Fake News

A&E departments unable to cope with influx of news teams

News Biscuit - Thu, 01/08/2015 - 4:55pm

A&E departments across England are struggling to deal with the unprecedented numbers of reporters and news crews that have descended upon them in the last few days. Cameramen have reported being kept waiting in corridors for up to eight hours, and more than twenty hospitals have admitted missing their target of enabling broadcasts to be transmitted from their emergency rooms every four hours.

‘The demand is just too great for us to cope with’ explained Guy’s and St Thomas’ Hospital’s spokesman Hilary Chappell. ‘Attention from the media always peaks during the winter months, but this year, with an election just round the corner, we’ve just been swamped. We’ve called in all media-trained staff in an attempt to clear the backlog, but during peak times, such as when the six o’clock and ten o’clock news is on, the number of journalists seeking attention is simply too much.’

‘Part of the problem is the number of non-urgent requests for interviews hospitals are receiving’ argued Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. ‘The Bristol Royal Infirmary reported that more than twenty percent of all journalists attending their A&E department yesterday could have obtained a story somewhere else instead, freeing up doctors and nurses to give their attention to more important news stations, or to treat patients of course. Our message to the media is to see if they can annoy politicians, schools or foreigners first before getting in the way at hospitals.’

Labour blamed recent cuts in social care funding for the crisis though. ‘Clearly the cuts haven’t gone far enough’ said Shadow Health Secretary Andy Burnham. ‘If budgets had been slashed even further we could have seen journalists covering care home closures or public sector strikes instead. If we win the next election, that’s exactly what we’ll do.’

There was some good news yesterday however, as Sky News’ Kay Burley was said to have been kept waiting in a crowded, vomit splattered corridor for over twelve hours. A spokesman for the hospital concerned said ‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!’

Categories: Fake News

Speculation Mounting Over Which Fired NFL Head Coaches To Be Emasculated As Coordinators Next Season

Onion - Thu, 01/08/2015 - 12:17pm
NEW YORK—With several names circulating as possibilities for the unique brand of public humiliation, speculation continued to mount Thursday over which recently fired NFL head coaches will be utterly emasculated by working as coordinators next seaso...

Categories: Fake News

Apartment Completely Flooded With Disgusting Sunlight

Onion - Thu, 01/08/2015 - 11:15am
CHICAGO—Expressing revulsion while surveying the sudden deluge of brightness, local sales clerk Adam Grant told reporters Tuesday that his apartment was completely flooded with disgusting sunlight.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: John Boehner Survives Biggest Revolt Against House Speaker In 150 Years

Onion - Thu, 01/08/2015 - 6:44am
John Boehner was reelected to his third term as House Speaker this week despite losing the votes of 25 House Republicans, representing the most opposition to a major party’s speaker nominee since 1860.

Categories: Fake News

Elevator company launches new lift which arrives quicker the more you press the button

News Biscuit - Thu, 01/08/2015 - 3:00am

The Otis Elevator Company have announced the introduction of radical new technology in their latest range of lifts which actually increases the response time of the lift the more you press the call button. Following extensive consumer research, the company identified a niche in the market as elevators across the world were reported to be completely ignoring repetitive hole pressing.

The new technology, called Pronto, uses a patented ‘impatience accelerator engine’ to increase the speed of the lift depending on how hard and how often the call button is pushed. It also has a built in voice recognition facility which responds to the phrases ‘Come on, come on!’ and ‘For God’s sake!’

The new smart lifts can also recognize the fingerprint of people who are not welcome at the building, and will repeatedly offer them lifts going in the opposite direction to the one requested, or will sometimes just close the lift doors and then open them again on the same floor.

‘We want to take lift technology to the next level’ said the inventor of the Pronto software. ‘We are bored with just installing security cameras and then watching footage of people squeezing their blackheads in the lift mirrors.’

The technology is also being adapted for Pedestrian Light-Controlled Crossings, where a camera will monitor approaching cars, and will only turn the lights red if the pedestrians have already crossed during a gap in the traffic.

See also Elevator fantasy celebrates fifteenth anniversary of remaining unfulfilled

mattdaniels (with thanks to Des Custard)

Categories: Fake News

Newsbiscuit ‘not good enough’ to be attacked

News Biscuit - Thu, 01/08/2015 - 1:00am

Despite seven years of ill-considered wit, grammatical errors and excessive references to the Isle of Wight, Newsbiscuit.com has thoroughly failed to offend any terrorist organisation. While masked gunmen opened fire on French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, the wags of Newsbiscuit continue to churn out ‘half-arsed puns’ with impunity.

‘It’s not that we haven’t tried,’ said one disillusioned writer. ‘I’ve mocked David Cameron, I’ve imitated Ed Miliband’s nasal twang and I’ve drawn an enormous c**k on Nigel Farrage’s forehead. It almost as if my seventeen years of accountancy in Basingstoke has failed to hone my comedic genius. I once wrote a damning but droll story about EU fisheries policy – it got 400 Facebook ‘likes’…unfortunately ninety percent of those were from me spam-clicking the page.’

Human rights activists have expressed concern that Newsbiscuit will continue its campaign of ‘whimsical bilge’. A Newsbiscuit spokesman said: ‘We’re trying to be more like Private Eye. They once did this humorous thing with a play on words, Eton rowing song and a split infinitive. Very clever. I knew it was funny the moment I didn’t understand it.’

Meanwhile fundamentalist Islamists have repeatedly attacked satirists for lampooning the Prophet Muhammad, but are yet to react to Newsbiscuit’s clever satire of the bitterly contested Women’s Institute regional election in Appuldurcombe. One extremists said: ‘Newswhat? Biscuitwho?’ One Newsbiscuit editor said in response: ‘Phew!’

Categories: Fake News

Twelve amused and four left laughing in satirical attack on IS headquarters

News Biscuit - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 4:55pm

Twelve members of Islamic State have been left seriously amused after a ruthless gang of satirists forced their way into its headquarters and proceeded to ridicule up the place.

Sarcasm, parody and irony are all said to have been used in what many are seeing as a broader attack on everyone’s freedom to stone homosexuals or cut babies in half.

IS employee, Mohammed Adir, was quietly working on ways to interpret ancient religious texts so as to justify beheading schoolgirls when the siege took place. ‘One of them had a sketchpad,’ he said, ‘but that’s about all I can remember. I think he was the leader.’

‘The rest of them just sat there riffing gags back and forth and taking central tenets of our religious philosophy to their naturally absurd logical conclusions. They must have been planning it for months,’ he added.

Abu Mustafa, an IS freelancer who was busy cutting the still-screaming head off an aid worker in Northern Africa when he heard of the attack, considers himself lucky. ‘What’s the world coming to when you can’t go about trying to establish a worldwide caliphate of unchallenged barbaric totalitarianism in peace?’

‘I’m just thankful that most of those in the building at the time didn’t possess the requisite critical thinking skills to have been affected. Otherwise, who knows how many might have ‘got it’.’

Sadly, not everyone was so fortunate; the worst affected being the twelve who were subjected to over forty minutes of humorous, rational observations encouraging healthy skepticism and freedom of thought. Unfortunately, for IS and all its supporters, their condition is now said to be ‘critical’.

Categories: Fake News

It Sadly Unclear Whether This Article Will Put Lives At Risk

Onion - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 2:24pm
PARIS—Following the fatal terrorist attack Wednesday at the offices of French newspaper Charlie Hebdo, sources confirmed this afternoon that it is sadly not yet clear whether this very article will ultimately put human lives at risk. 

Categories: Fake News

Stressed-Out 8-Year-Old Looks 12

Onion - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 7:25am
Stressed-Out 8-Year-Old Looks 12

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Report: More Cities Banning Sledding To Avoid Lawsuits

Onion - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 7:25am
According to a report from the Associated Press, more cities around the nation are banning sledding on public land to avoid being sued for millions of dollars in the event of an injury.

Categories: Fake News

Area Man Only One With Problems

Onion - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 7:20am
BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Categories: Fake News

Woman Fulfills Manifest Destiny Of Hardwood Floor Throughout Home

Onion - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 7:15am
EDINA, MN—Moved by a grand and profound force to expand her maple-finish domain beyond its limited borders in the kitchen, area woman Linda Ellison finally achieved her own manifest destiny of hardwood floors throughout her home this week, sources c...

Categories: Fake News

Everyone At Consumer Electronics Show Forced To Share Single Surge Protector

Onion - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 7:05am
Everyone At Consumer Electronics Show Forced To Share Single Surge Protector

Categories: Fake News

Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service

Onion - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 7:00am
NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Categories: Fake News

Man marries computer

News Biscuit - Wed, 01/07/2015 - 3:00am

Recent amendments to the civil partnership laws have resulted in Britain’s first ever legal marriage between a man and his computer. Steve Wibburn, 27, from Brighton yesterday married his Hewlett Packard Pavilion (Media Centre Edition) desktop computer and has opted to take the name of his PC.

‘We’ve been together for just over a year now, but even from the earliest moment I knew I’d finally found complete happiness. I just didn’t want to be with anyone or anything else for the rest of my life,’ said Wibburn. ‘She entertains me, she keeps me well-informed, we listen to our favourite music together,’ he added, ‘and as for the sex, well it’s constant. I could never turn on a woman as easily as I turn on my computer.’ Mr Wibburn says their only argument was when he became jealous of a technician tweaking one of her USB ports but the couple have apparently put that behind them and are hoping to have a little laptop together.

Wibburn’s friends suspected that Steve must be in love, when they realised that they were seeing less and less of him. He had given up tennis club, his evening classes, and his trips to the local library, so they knew something special must have come into his life. He claims he still ventures out of his room for trips to PC World to buy little trinkets and add-on’s for his new partner and it’s always with a look of joy that he hands his purchases to the cashier and says, “She’s just going to love this.”

Steve’s friends did point out that one day, like all computers, Mr Wibburn’s Pavilion may become a bit erratic and slow down and start losing things. However Steve is adamant that that he won’t let that come between them. ‘Well that’s going to happen to me too, so hopefully we can grow old together with lots of happy memories,’ said Steve glancing at a brand new Sony Vaio that was a guest at the reception.

Team Biscuit

Categories: Fake News

Broadchurch to tackle teen graffiti threat‏

News Biscuit - Tue, 01/06/2015 - 4:55pm

ITV’s flagship police drama has returned to our screens and promises a series of hard hitting story lines for future episodes; fly-tipping, unsolicited dogging and the misuse of cycle lanes.

In a community already devastated by murder, dour-faced detectives will tackle a spate of shocking crimes that culminate in the vandalism of the cricket pavilion.

Hoping to garner better viewing figures than the US version of the show, Broadchurch creator Chris Chibnall has promised to look at the darker side of stolen pick’n’mix. Award winning Olivia Coleman will give another stellar performance, drawing on her years of training at the Judy Dench Drama School for Smiling, while David Tennant reprises his role as ‘the bearded weasel’.

Referencing plotlines from the first series, viewers will be left on tenterhooks as to the identity of the perpetrator of the vomit puddle next to the war memorial. Bookies’ favourite is film star Charlotte Rampling, who joins the cast as a woman coming to terms with damage to her allotment. In one particularly harrowing episode Oscar-nominee Marianne Jean-Baptiste, will discover that someone has been selling unlicensed fish without due health and safety measures.

Refuting criticism that the show has run out of ideas, an ITV spokeswoman said: ‘Only Broadchurch is addressing the serious issue of piggybacking on your neighbour’s wi-fi. These may seem like petty misdemeanours but to your average Daily Mail reader, this is serious stuff. No one wants to live in fear of someone forging a parent’s signature on school notes, breaking noise ordinances or worse still, posting flyers on a telephone pole. It’s gritty. It’s grim. It’s got dog poo everywhere.’

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Report: Congress More Religious Than General Public

Onion - Tue, 01/06/2015 - 2:00pm
According to the Pew Research Center, members of the 114th Congress are much more religious than the public they serve, with only one member describing herself as religiously unaffiliated compared with 20 percent of the general public.

Categories: Fake News

Man Who Spent 300 Hours Playing Fantasy Football This Year Rewarded With $30 Second-Place Payout

Onion - Tue, 01/06/2015 - 1:47pm
ALBANY, NY—Having barely lost in the championship game against his former college roommate, local 28-year-old Tim Beaumont, a man who spent roughly 300 hours playing fantasy football this year, was reportedly rewarded for his efforts Tuesday with a ...

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: The GOP’s Legislative Agenda

Onion - Tue, 01/06/2015 - 1:17pm
With the GOP formally taking control of Congress today following victories in November’s midterm elections, House and Senate Republicans are in a strong position to push their legislative agenda.

Categories: Fake News

Marvin Lewis Not Sure What He Should Be Learning From Playoff Losses At This Point

Onion - Tue, 01/06/2015 - 11:15am
Marvin Lewis Not Sure What He Should Be Learning From Playoff Losses At This Point

Categories: Fake News
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