Fake News

Crocs seen in Aussie school… but Clarks sandals still top choice in UK

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/22/2016 - 1:24pm

silly billy scotland

Categories: Fake News

‘You only get ONE life’ warns risk-averse tax accountant

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/22/2016 - 6:00am

A risk-averse tax accountant from London has today warned friends and family that ‘you only get ONE life’.

42 year-old Simon Walker, who has worked at financial services practice Thornton McGrath for 17 years, is concerned that those closest to him are ‘treating their existence like a dress rehearsal’, whilst he continues to seize every moment in his purpose-built office block. When not at his desk, Simon shares his leisure time between posting inspirational quotes on social media such as ‘Life always offers another chance. It’s called tomorrow’ and prudently checking his Blackberry for any work emails of seismic importance.

‘We’re here to change the world. Not just follow rules, earn money and die,’ remarked Simon, after typing some numbers into a colour-coded Excel spreadsheet called ‘Accounts’. ‘You have to surround yourself with people who inspire you’, he continued, as his colleague Keith whinged that the stationery cupboard was permanently low on staples. ‘And if your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough,’ he concluded, after feeling comforted by recent nightmares about a giant hamster wheel.

jonessgl

Categories: Fake News

US voters ‘shocked’ to learn Donald Trump has campaign managers

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/22/2016 - 3:00am

On advice from his latest campaign manager, Republican US Presidential candidate Donald Trump has launched a new ‘softer’ campaign slogan: ‘KKK for the USA’

‘I really think we’ve come up with a winning slogan this time’ enthused Mr Trump ‘’KKK’ yes, ‘Kind Knowledgeable King’, I love it!’

When he found out ‘KKK’ in the slogan is meant to stand for ‘Kaput Kitsch Knobhead’ he said: ‘Jeez, goddam it! Hey, I don’t know what those words mean, but I love it even more now!’

Waving his right hand around like there was no tomorrow he exclaimed: ‘I feel totally re-energised right now and can’t wait to get my finger on that nuclear button come November! It’s true. God bless the United States of America!’

At his next press conference, Mr Trump was persistently asked by journalists if he had anything to do with bugging the All Blacks rugby team’s hotel room in Australia: ‘I don’t even know where Australia is and I’m gonna keep my true thoughts on all blacks to myself until when I am President.’

farmer giles

Categories: Fake News

British youth inspired by menial Olympic support roles

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/22/2016 - 1:00am

After concerns that the London Olympics would fail to deliver the legacy promised by its ‘inspire-a-generation’ tag-line, Lord Coe has hailed a survey that confirms the young people of Great Britain have been inspired by the Games to pursue careers as unpaid volunteers and menial assistants.

‘This is exactly what we hoped for when we brought the Games to London,’ said Lord Coe. ‘By showcasing to the nation home-grown talent like Jessica Ennis, Sir Chris Hoy and Mo Farah, we hoped that a new generation would dare to dream of one day carrying in the athletes’ tracksuits after a race, measuring how far the discus was thrown or working for free at sporting venues directing tourists towards the toilets.’

South London teenager Conor Turner admitted that he’d been inspired by the Games. ‘I’ve watched the Olympics on the telly and I now know what I want to do with my life,’ he said. ‘I want to be the man who rides the little electric scooter at the start of the keirin cycling race.’

His sister, 12-year-old Jade, agreed. ‘To think that I might have the chance to one day rake the long-jump sandpit, pull the arrows out of the target or maybe even drive the remote control car that carries javelins back to the competitors is awe-inspiring. I’m going to work hard and do everything I can to be in with a chance of doing that in four years time.’

However, former Olympics minister Tessa Jowell is worried schools are not doing enough to safeguard the Games’ legacy. ‘I know of some schools that don’t even have a rake, let alone a sand-pit,’ she said. ‘How can children become the best they can be without adequate facilities? If we don’t do something about it, sadly Britain is going to have far fewer champion helpers and administrators in Rio in four years time than we’ve had in London.’

11th August 2012

Categories: Fake News

Delusional couple somehow expecting to still be happy together

News Biscuit - Sun, 08/21/2016 - 2:55pm

Psychiatrists are rolling their eyes in disbelief after a Swindon couple, Paul and Sophie Rice, announced that they were seeking marriage guidance because of a crisis in their relationship. Many of them have been staggered to learn that the pair seriously expect not to be locked into a downward spiral of loathing after spending such an unnatural length of time together.

‘I can’t quite put my finger on why, but things haven’t been going well between us for some time,’ said the manifestly insane Paul, who nonetheless holds down a job as a senior executive at a data exchange software firm. ‘It’s somehow just not like it used to be when we first got together,’ he added, to bitter snorts of derision from every other married person in the country.

Paul and Sophie first met at the University of Lancaster in 2002, carried on seeing each other after graduation and married in 2007, mainly because they had no compelling reason to break up. For some unfathomable reason, neither of this apparently intelligent couple has yet grasped that men and women are incompatible and only meant to tolerate each other for long enough to procreate, which, mercifully, they have not yet done.

‘I sometimes feel Paul takes me for granted,’ complained Sophie Rice, who has failed to draw any obvious lessons from their contrasting preferences for spa weekends and shopping on one side and golf and computer games on the other. ‘We scarcely make love once a month,’ she continued, blissfully unaware that that’s mainly because he doesn’t want to get caught screaming her sister’s name (Julie) when he climaxes, like he does when he slips off to the bathroom every other night.

Leading marital therapist Dr Simon Hobbs added that he is seeing an increasing number of couples pissing their hard-earned up a tree by coming to him in a vain attempt to defy nature. ‘Because of our ludicrously elevated expectations in life, we foolishly refuse to live lives of barely repressed resentment like our parents,’ he said. ‘Then again, I’ve got two gold-digging ex-wives to pay for and I need the money, so bring ‘em on.’

Categories: Fake News

‘There’s a clue in the name,’ says Caster Semenya. More soon

News Biscuit - Sun, 08/21/2016 - 3:13am

newsbiscuit editorial team

Categories: Fake News

Jools Holland to host the Night Tube

News Biscuit - Sun, 08/21/2016 - 3:00am

London Underground will begin running a late night anarchic pop show on its Victoria and Central lines, in response to the high level of commuter demand for a 24/7 showcase of contemporary music. Normal train services will be suspended, while 80s bands scurry through the tunnels looking for recording contracts, loose change and the rat-gnawed remains of their careers.

Jools Holland, rescued from hosting fake Hogmanay events and children’s balloon parties, has agreed to return to the format that made him a household name – if only amongst the band members of Squeeze. Sadly the late Paula Yates is unavailable due to ‘circumstances beyond her control’, but she will be replaced by aggressive tramp called Malcolm, with a penchant for special brew.

A Transport spokeswoman said: ‘Police officers will be on patrol to allay any fears that Duran Duran might release a new album. But we expect the Night Tube to have that same train crash feel as the original show. Get your Oyster card or be an ungroovy fucker!’

Categories: Fake News

Benedict Cumberbatch ‘magnificent’ as Bloke in Tesco

News Biscuit - Sun, 08/21/2016 - 1:00am

Benedict Cumberbatch has blown away the critics after a ‘magnificent, power-house performance’ at the Brent Cross Hendon Way Tesco Superstore in Cricklewood last night. The Sherlock star, already receiving plaudits for his role as Hamlet at the Barbican Theatre, was praised for his thirty-five minute ‘tour-de-force’, in which he grappled with the gritty role of ‘Man Shopping in Tesco’.

‘His was a multifaceted performance,’ wrote The Telegraph’s Dominic Cavendish. ‘On the surface an ordinary man browsing the magazine section, but with shades of the Danish Prince as he struggled to choose between The Angling Times and Fly Fishing Illustrated – his portrayal of the inner conflict lifting to a crescendo after taking a sly glance at FHM’s Lucy Pinder on the top shelf.’

‘I always knew he had it in him,’ said Sherlock co-star Mark Gatiss. ‘Nobody else can accidentally knock over a box of Shredded Wheat with such intensity and put it back, seemingly at random, with the Frosties – the symbolism really takes one’s breath away. Anyone in that packed audience can be honoured to have witnessed an historic moment in the history of theatre – made even more memorable by a really good BOGOF deal on Lynx deodorants – Africa, Excite and Lynx Sensitive.’

Michael Billington of The Guardian was equally impressed, giving Cumberbatch full marks for his efforts: ‘The arrogant, self-assured Cavalry officer from War Horse was convincingly metamorphosed into some bloke wandering the dairy aisle,’ he wrote, praising the actor for taking the role into ‘unexpected corners of the Human psyche.’

He continued: ‘In a poignant scene, Cumberbatch’s character is confronted by an elderly lady blocking the yoghurt section, looking at the use-by dates on some Muller Light multi-packs. Lesser performers would have merely tutted, or boorishly tried to edge in, but Cumberbatch confounded all expectations by wandering off to get some cottage cheese, before returning to the now vacant spot a minute later to extract a carton of Yakult. You could have heard a pin drop.’

However not everyone was so enchanted by the Imitation Game Oscar Nominee. The Independent’s Paul Taylor called it a ‘rather mixed affair’ in his three-star review: ‘Make no mistake – Cumberbatch’s Tesco Shopper marks him out as Britain’s leading theatrical light, but where his enigmatic persona dazzled as his fungal foot powder was run through the till, and his stuffing of the petrol vouchers into his wallet brought tears to the eye, a lacklustre car-parking scene put something of a tarnish on the brilliance.

‘Taking the last parent-and-child space and making me walk an extra ten metres? Come on Benedict, you’re better than that’, he added.

Categories: Fake News

The ‘one’ it ‘always was’ quits due to stress

News Biscuit - Sat, 08/20/2016 - 2:55pm

Harold Robson, 57, has quit his post of making true the popular observation that ‘There’s always one, isn’t there?’, citing stress and exhaustion from overwork. Robson has spent a frantic career being the annoying exception to a broadly benevolent rule and has worked himself into the ground

‘From speeding to cut in at the front of a queue of traffic at a roadworks so I could make it to a wedding to photobomb the pictures and still have time to take my dog for a walk and hang up a bag of poo right next to the dedicated waste bin, it was a 24/7 job,’ said a visibly drained Robson, speaking from his seat in front of the sightscreen at the Oval.

‘After all, it’s true there is always one – and that was me. The pressure was relentless,’ he confessed. ‘The trouble was there really was one – and only one. It wouldn’t have been so bad if there had been two or more. But that’s downsizing for you. What a bunch of considerate tossers the rest of the country are.’

‘And as for holidays, no chance. That was my busiest time. Do you know how much the small change needed to pay for a return flight to Magaluf in cash weighs? Took ages to get the check-in desk to accept it. And the one litre bottle of Scotch in my hand luggage.”

Since Robson’s retirement, an unusual serenity has settled over the UK. From schoolrooms where no-one has flicked a bogey at the blackboard for an hour to office parties where the photocopier is left unmolested and weddings where no-one farts when the vicar asks for objections, life has begun to flow more smoothly. However, not everyone was pleased at his decision to call it a day early.

‘What with pension shortfalls and retirement ages going up, people in this country are working longer and harder than ever before. We all know we’ve got to keep our noses to the grindstone,’ said Sidney Jones of Littlehampton. ‘But there’s always one, isn’t there?’

Sir Lupus

Categories: Fake News

Mr Trump to be first of the new Mr Men characters

News Biscuit - Sat, 08/20/2016 - 6:00am

Adam Hargreaves, son of the late Mr Men creator Roger Hargreaves, has created a new series of characters to celebrate the 45th birthday of the Mr Men.The first, Mr Trump, is currently being trialled in the USA, where he will ‘parade about in an inane frenzy of self-importance and generally getting on everyone’s tits’ Hargreaves revealed.

Like the originals, the new characters may also be identified by their quirky physical traits. Mr Farage, for instance, is merely a head and torso, having removed all his limbs in a misguided pursuit for independence. Mr Osborne is never seen without his bejewelled red briefcase, in which he keeps his diseased black heart, and Mr Trump must hop from place to place, because he was born with one foot in his mouth, a permanent malady which is beyond remedy.

Jodster

Categories: Fake News

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 4:00pm
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