Fake News

BBC suspend badger after attack on Springwatch producer over catering

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 3:55pm

The BBC has announced that it has suspended Jeremy Badger following allegations that he bit the ankle of a Springwatch producer following a disagreement over catering. Badger, who is appearing in the current series of Springwatch, is understood to have become abusive toward the unnamed producer when he was told that there were no rabbits or small rodents laid on at the end of the day’s filming.

‘We’d been working hard on sett all day’, said Badger’s Springwatch co-star James ‘the fox’ Fox. ‘Jeremy was a bit frazzled after having to do 23 takes for a simple tracking shot along a tunnel. We went to the pub with Richard Hamster to unwind with a few jars but when we got back and found out there was no food left Jeremy became positively rabid. After taking about 20 minutes of abuse the producer suggested that since Jeremy was a badger perhaps he should go forage for some food. That’s when Jezza really lost it and bit him on the ankle’.

‘If the BBC sacks Jeremy then I’ll probably resign. I know he can be a bit of a twat but without the edge that Jeremy brings to Springwatch it would just be a bunch of hedgehogs and otters pissing about, and who wants to watch that? I’m sure Richard would have resigned too if Jezza hadn’t eaten him last night’.

The BBC has confirmed that Springwatch presenter Michaela Strachan witnessed the attack and had to prise Jeremy Badger off the producer’s leg. ‘It’s true’ confirmed Fox. ‘It’s the first time I’ve seen Michaela pull a badger off since she got pissed at the Autmnwatch wrap party last year’.

Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Excited, Nervous J.R. Smith Unable To Sleep Through David Blatt’s Pregame Speech

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 3:00pm

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that he had so much pent-up energy that he would likely remain wide awake until tip-off, Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard J.R. Smith told reporters Thursday that he was far too excited and nervous before Game 1 of the NBA Finals to sleep through head coach David Blatt’s locker room speech. “I can usually doze off around now without any problem, but tonight is such a big game that I’ll probably be up the whole time Coach is speaking,” said Smith, adding that he was the only Cavs player who was still awake while Blatt reiterated the team’s defensive strategy for stopping Stephen Curry. “I’ve tried everything—earplugs, counting backwards from 100, even listening to some ambient music—but I’m still just here with my eyes wide open staring at Coach talking about giving our all to bring a championship to Cleveland ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 12:29pm

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday. “It’s a really nice place, so I figured I should put on my best,” said Finnegan, who reportedly seemed to think he had made clothing and grooming choices that will be regarded as appropriate for the semi-formal occasion. “I don’t have to wear a tuxedo or anything, but at a place like this, you can’t just show up in the usual.” At press time, Finnegan appeared to believe that he may have even overdressed.

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Candidate Profile: Rick Perry

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 11:32am

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

  • Campaign Slogan: “I Studied This Time”
  • Experience: Effectively and efficiently led bungling of 2012 presidential campaign
  • Policies: Tough on crime, specifically homosexuality
  • Death Penalty Record: Undefeated, 234-0
  • Political Base: Unsettling white guys in wraparound Oakleys
  • Biggest Political Asset: Looks pretty presidential on muted TV at airport
  • Biggest Liability: Public forums
  • Greatest Political Accomplishment: Provided underserved minorities and mentally retarded individuals with access to quality executions
  • Oh, And: Was recently issued felony indictment for abuse of power as Texas governor

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Cameron Crowe Apologizes For Casting Emma Stone As Multiracial Character In ‘Aloha’

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 11:28am

Filmmaker Cameron Crowe has apologized to critics of his new film, Aloha, who chastised him for casting white actress Emma Stone as a character named Allison Ng, who is meant to be one quarter native Hawaiian and one quarter Chinese. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Nation’s Dogs Vow To Keep Their Shit Together During 4th Of July Fireworks

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 10:52am

WASHINGTON—Admitting that their behavior in previous years had left them embarrassed and ashamed, the nation’s dogs announced Thursday that they intend on keeping their shit together during this year’s Fourth of July fireworks displays. “Though we recognize we have not always demonstrated the most poise and self-control on this particular holiday, we want to assure everyone that this will finally be the year we don’t completely lose it and freak out upon hearing the booming of distant fireworks,” said Duchess, a 6-year-old cocker spaniel, adding that the country’s 80 million dogs aim to avoid cowering under the coffee table or uncontrollably urinating on the kitchen floor in a moment of pure panic after neighbors light off firecrackers or bottle rockets. “We’ve been preparing for the past few months, and we think we’ll finally be able to maintain our composure this time around. We ...

Categories: Fake News

Onion Film Standard: The Onion Looks Back At ‘The Goonies’

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 10:03am

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at ‘Goonies’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: New Claritin Flamethrower Incinerates Whatever Causing Allergies

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 9:55am

WHIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to combat common seasonal and year-round allergens, pharmaceutical manufacturer Bayer introduced Wednesday its new Claritin flamethrower capable of incinerating whatever is causing one’s allergies. “Our new flamethrower is proven to be effective at relieving itchy eyes, sneezing, and congestion by quickly and efficiently reducing dust mites, pollen, and other allergy-causing agents to smoldering ashes,” said company spokesperson Elaine Ferguson, adding that the product is available in either a regular 25-foot or an Extra Strength 50-foot jet of fire—ideal for eliminating ragweed, trees, grasses, and entire mold-ridden homes. “With this over-the-counter treatment, you can simply look at the latest allergy forecast, strap on the Claritin fuel pack, and wipe out allergy-inducing plants and pets without a hint of drowsiness.” Due to potential side effects, Ferguson cautioned that the Claritin flamethrower should never be combined with alcohol.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Report: Asian Ivy League Applicants Coached To Be ‘Less Asian’

Onion - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 8:40am

According to a profile in the Boston Globe, many consulting businesses catering to Asian-American students applying to Ivy League colleges coach them to appear “less Asian” on their applications so they can distinguish themselves from other high-achieving Asian-American candidates. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Houses of Parliament identified as source of dark matter

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 7:00am

CERN scientists have started drilling beneath Westminster in order to collect ‘high concentrations of anti-matter’. The levels being released into the community have been shown to be damaging to the public over large areas of Hackney and other North London boroughs as well as Tyneside.

After consultation with Health & Safety executives, scientists were particularly interested in limiting the output of the Department of Work and Pensions and warned staff working in close proximity to Iain Duncan Smith of ‘taking in too much of this stuff’’.

The public have been made aware that the risk is not restricted to Government buildings as hot spots are known to exist near to retirement homes populated by ex Tory ministers. Michael Howard was not available for comment.

Robert Koch

Categories: Fake News

Health concerns over man who paid full price at Alton Towers

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/04/2015 - 2:00am

A man, whose name has been withheld to spare him public humiliation has been detained for psychiatric reports after arriving unannounced with his wife and two children at Alton Towers and attempting to pay full price for a family ticket.

‘He looked like a very ordinary bloke, and his family were what I would call run-of-the-mill too,’ said Derek Jarvis, 25, who was manning the booth at the time. ‘I was just gobsmacked when he handed over a credit card and nothing else. I was waiting for the cereal box vouchers, the newspaper coupons, the Facebook, the Groupon, the two-for-one flyer, the student discount, the annual pass, the manager’s apology letter in response to a complaint about a former visit… But nothing. Not even a Blue Peter badge.’

As there isn’t a ‘full price’ button on the tills at Alton Towers, Jarvis said that he had to sell the man two ‘mid-season adults go free family specials’. ‘I said “Haven’t you forgotten something?” but he replied “No I don’t think so,” quite calmly, and tapped in his PIN. I called my supervisor and she straight away pressed the panic button.’

After being questioned by managers, the man and his family were later released to enjoy the theme park. However, once the news got about, the remainder of their day was ruined as they encountered finger pointing and hysterical laughter from staff and other visitors at every turn. Reprints of the family’s log flume photo quickly became a top seller in the gift shop.

‘I don’t know why they think this is so amusing,’ the man was later heard to say. ‘I was just spending a bit of the cash we were fortunate enough to save when buying a sofa last week. Who would have thought I’d be lucky enough to pop in to DFS on the day of their sale?’

Categories: Fake News

Blatter escapes disguised as the Von Trapps

News Biscuit - Wed, 06/03/2015 - 3:55pm

Taking inspiration from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, the outgoing FIFA president has fled over the Swiss mountains dressed as a Bavarian singing troupe. Resplendent in pigtails and lederhosen, Mr Blatter has escaped an oppressive fascist regime in search of eight-part harmonies and no extradition treaty.

Despite a quick rendition of ‘I Have Confidence’ to the world’s press, in transpires that very few people have confidence in him. With choreography by Marc Breaux, Dee Dee Wood and a team of tax accountants, Mr. Blatter has so far tap danced around any criminal wrong doings. Although rumours persist that the FBI is on the verge of pursuing him, dressed as the Jackson 5.

The original cinematic release of the Sound of Music, adjusted for inflation, earned $2.366 billion; ironically just enough to cover Qatar’s bribes. Also the similarities with Maria Von Trapp are startling; Blatter has the innocence of a novice nun, the timeless good looks of Julie Andrews and insists on dressing young girls in tight fitting shorts ‘made from old drapes’.

Promising to climb every mountain in search of immunity from prosecution, Mr. Blatter offered a very abridged version of ‘So Long, Farewell’. A spokesman insisted that: ‘he was older and wiser, telling us what to do. He is 79 going on 80 and he’ll take care of you’. Elaborating on this, the spokesman mentioned a few of Mr. Blatter’s favourite things, some of which included: ‘Big silver trophies with ribbons and sashes; Brown paper packages where all the cash is; Businesses paying out bribes with no strings’.

‘Those were just a few of his favourite things’, he clarified.

Wrenfoe (hat-tip to Oxbridge)

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Study: Chimps Have The Mental Ability To Cook Food

Onion - Wed, 06/03/2015 - 12:43pm

A new study has found that chimps have the mental ability to cook food, though they are unable to because they can’t light fires. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

‘Cancer drugs will shrink Daily Mail’, says report

News Biscuit - Wed, 06/03/2015 - 8:10am

Consultants at Royal Marsden Hospital say they have finally developed a pair of cancer drugs that greatly reduces the copy size of the Daily Mail newspaper.

A report in this month’s New England Journal of Medicine revealed that of the 945 people infected by the cancerous Mail on Sunday, over 60% went on to make a full recovery while others were able to take a less damaging weekend newspaper. Cancer Research UK said the drugs attach themselves to any reference made by the newspaper to words such as ‘cancer’ or ‘house prices’ or ‘Prince Harry’ and shrinks the tumour to the size of a postage stamp.

The Daily Mail is the second most common newspaper in the UK and infects nearly two million people a day with its aggressive and corrosive style of reporting. Consultant Dr John Larken said that although the newspaper was now only the size of a postage stamp it was still able to poison the immune system with its invective bile and work was already under way to reduce the copy further.

‘A microdot Mail is still some way off’, he explained. ‘Side effects such as fatigue, vomiting and diarrhea are still an issue even with the postage stamp edition. This cancer has gone on long enough and we owe it to all tabloid sufferers and their families to find a cure.  You wouldn’t let a dog suffer by reading the Daily Mail so why should we prolong the agony of those nearest and dearest’.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Swedish Fathers Likely To Get 3 Months Paid Paternity Leave

Onion - Wed, 06/03/2015 - 6:49am

The Swedish government has submitted a new proposal to extend paid paternity leave for fathers from two to three months, about equal to the 14 weeks provided to mothers, while the U.S. remains last among OECD member countries in offering government-supported time off for new parents. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

Onion - Wed, 06/03/2015 - 6:32am

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him. “Given how many times in the past month I’ve showed up to work on two hours of sleep and just stared at my computer in total silence, I’d kind of expected someone to ask me if everything’s all right at home or at least tell me I look tired lately, but so far I haven’t heard a thing,” said Uhler, adding that he thought the frequency with which he places his face in his hands and mutters morosely to himself would have been a clear indication that he was completely unraveling and prompted somebody at some point to stop by his cubicle. “I was sure ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: New Montana Tourism Campaign Marketed Toward Urban Bison

Onion - Wed, 06/03/2015 - 6:30am

HELENA, MT—Promising unspoiled nature and a relaxing escape from the hectic rigors of city life, a new Montana tourism advertising campaign that debuted this week is reportedly marketed toward urban bison. “We want Montana to be the only destination a bison thinks of when they need to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city,” Montana Office of Tourism head Brian Kinnard said of the $5 million campaign, which consists of billboards and advertisements placed in subways and bus stops in Chicago, New York, Seattle, and Washington, D.C. in order to reach city-dwelling bison. “Montana offers expansive views, fresh local food, and gorgeous national parks where bison can reconnect with nature and spend quality time with family or friends.” Kinnard told reporters that most bison visiting Montana would probably never want to go back to the city after getting out into the open and realizing they ...

Categories: Fake News
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