It is thought the outbreak began among the higher echelons of priests and worked outwards. Eventually the whole of Vatican Square was in engulfed in laughter.
‘I couldn’t help it’ said one cardinal, ‘I just glanced at the Pope and he had that look in his face that he was about to ‘go’. Then the bishops started and I couldn’t stifle it.’
‘There was incense swinging round, indecipherable Latin chanting, choirs, people running round with bits of popes … It was nuts. Everyone was just thinking of the madness of what we were doing.’
Confusion continues to mount about Britainâ€™s religious status after theological experts extrapolated data to show that the country could be “mostly satanist”, possibly by as soon as Thursday.
â€˜Less than a fortnight ago, we were a Christian country,â€™ said one theology researcher. â€˜The latest we have is a clear and verifiable argument which suggests we are now â€˜post-Christianâ€™, so if we plot the rate of change on a graph and extend it a bit we can see that, by Thursday, shifting sociological trends and the pace of modern life will have transformed the faith of the country once more and weâ€™ll all be worshipping Lucifer.â€™
But the research shows an even more worrying trend, the researchers revealed. â€˜Taken to its extreme, we pass through to a yet worse, post-satanist state to a new and hideous conclusion where we are all in thrall to a dark, charismatic, even more demonic being. Our results show this could happen as early asâ€¦. er, when does X-Factor start again?â€™
An increase in the number of cannabis farms detected by the police in the UK has been attributed to a controversial new daytime TV show on BBC1, â€˜Hash in the Atticâ€™. Hosted by Gloria Hunniford and Aled Jones and aimed at students and the unemployed, the programme hopes to raise money for the households they visit by using their lofts to cultivate vast crops of illegal drugs and then sell them at auctions on the street corner.
â€˜Until Gloria Hunniford turned up at my house and started rummaging through the loft, I never realised I was sitting on such a treasure trove,â€™ said 22-year-old Carl Samuels, occupier of a house with 250-square-foot attic. â€˜I needed to raise some money to pay off my court fines, but cannabis production had never occurred to me before Aled Jones started setting up the artificial lights and hydroponic equipment. I only needed Â£400 but at auction round the back of the pub we raised more than five grand.â€™
Each programme sees Hunniford and Jones arrive at someoneâ€™s home and discuss how much money theyâ€™d like to raise before heading into the loft to black out the windows, rig up lights and dispense expert advice on seeds, fertilisers and abstracting electricity from your neighbours. The presenters then return after a couple of months to help with the harvest and bag up the goods for auction.
â€˜The best bit was when they came round to test the crop,â€™ said 17-year-old Luke, a former apprentice mechanic from Luton but now a feared drugs baron and organic farmer. â€˜I knew I was onto a winner when Gloria Hunniford took a couple of big hits on the bong, slowly grinned and gave me the thumbs-up beforeÂ announcing, â€˜This is some really good shitâ€™. She then fell off her chair and laughed for 30 minutes straight before asking the production crew if they had any Monster Munch or Snickers. In the end we had to fit a stair-lift to get her back down.â€™
The success of ‘Hash in the Attic’ has prompted other daytime TV shows to change their formats. â€˜Homes Under the Hammerâ€™ will now focus on the violence that can follow when drug dealers pop round to collect the money theyâ€™re owed, while ITV are planning to send orange-skinned antiques expert David Dickinson to Columbia to score a â€˜cheap-as-chipsâ€™ shipment of cocaine in â€˜Dickinsonâ€™s Real Dealâ€™.
Much to the surprise of cartographers, scientists and pasty lovers, the EU has confirmed that the â€˜bit that stops Devon getting too wetâ€™ is not just a fairy story told to children to warn about the perils of a dairy-fat diet. Contrary to popular belief and evidence from tax-returns, Cornwall is actually a â€˜non-fictionalâ€™ landmass and is populated by indigenous bipeds, whose DNA is 38% comprised of whortleberry pie.
Along with Brigadoon, Social Equality and the G-spot, Cornwall was previously thought to be an imaginary locale which was only brought into existence after being declared a Duchy by George III during one of his â€˜less lucid momentsâ€™.
The legend goes that Truro was a â€˜lost cityâ€™ situated at the heart of Earth’s clotted cream core. There the dark elves, condemned souls and Lib Dems would feast upon â€˜gerty milkâ€™, Ginsters and â€˜toe nail clippingsâ€™. Only when under the influence of eight pints of cider could a human see these mythic creatures and their damp home. Every so often â€˜when the moon was fullâ€™, Dorset virgins would be carried off into the night by piskies to be plied with saffron cake, dirty limericks and â€˜the juice of the little peopleâ€™ (â€˜pobel veanâ€™).
Cornish folklore, or â€˜Ye olde Tourist Trapâ€™ as it is sometimes referred to in the glossy brochures, speaks of the countryâ€™s founding by Corineus as a â€˜ponzi scheme gone wrongâ€™. The ‘droll tellers’ often sing of the birthplace of King Arthur which coincidently doubles as the final resting place for â€˜the concept of a sunny British holidayâ€™. They also sing the sad lament of Bucca – the Spirit of the Sea â€“ who will only allow the water to be â€˜one degree aboveâ€™ freezing point. Unfortunately Peter Jackson has already dismissed plans to film his next fantasy franchise there, as â€˜too implausibly tweeâ€™.
European rules will grant the Cornish people minority status and all the same rights as â€˜other small mammalsâ€™. A spokesman for Communities Minister Stephen Williams confirmed: â€˜The Cornish will receive funding to protect against assimilation, hygiene and liking the English. They will also gain the same status as other Celtic communities â€“ with their own â€˜embarrassing Eurovision entryâ€™, â€˜spurious scrabble wordsâ€™ and â€˜absence from World Cup football finalsâ€™.’