Fake News

Cheating foreign footballers set to boost Brexit campaign

News Biscuit - Fri, 06/10/2016 - 3:55pm

Those campaigning for a leave vote at the European referendum are expecting a surge in support during Euro 2016 as the country’s disdain for overseas players and their unsporting behaviour grows during the tournament.

The British sense of fair play is set to be severely tested by Spanish strikers diving in the penalty area, Portuguese midfielders feigning injury, French players waving imaginary cards at the ref, and dirty bastard Italian defenders. Boris Johnson is said to be preparing a speech arguing that Britain should not remain part of such a despicable community of cheats, fraudsters and hooligans.

Mr Johnson’s speech is also expected to refer to the vast number of Albanians, Romanians, Hungarians, Poles and Turks who will be travelling to France to support their country in the tournament. The speech is then likely to claim that Euro 2016 is just a stopping point en-route to England for 150 million of these people per day as they look to start their new life as UK immigrants.

General mistrust of foreigners remains a cornerstone of the Brexit campaign, and there is a hope within the camp that this will develop into full-blown hatred in the case of many of the nations. Belgium, the home of the European Parliament, could become despised if their players con their way past the Republic of Ireland, while any sympathy for Ukraine’s citizens following their disagreements with Russia could dissipate if their team is a bunch of thugs during their game against Northern Ireland.

The German team will naturally be hated by all British voters before a single ball is kicked, but Brexiters are secretly hoping that Germany progresses through the Group stage with ruthless efficiency. This will signify how domineering they are over their weaker neighbours, giving everyone a further reason to hate them, and more inclined to vote Leave.

Overall though, it is England’s failure to impose their game on their opponents that Brexiters are counting on. If England fail to get through, the Brexit campaign will maintain that we should never have entered the tournament in the first place and are better off out of it.

Categories: Fake News

Isle of Wight man fails to see shocking internet video before it’s deleted

News Biscuit - Fri, 06/10/2016 - 7:00am

Barry Haines from Sandown, Isle of Wight, is reported to be ‘kicking himself’ that he failed to look at a shocking internet video before it was deleted. Now he is using his experience to warn other web users to ‘click now rather than later’.

‘I certainly meant to see it,’ he said. ‘Given that the still showed two pneumatic, leggy blondes in very tight cut-off jeans my mind was racing as to what kind of racy stuff there might be in the video proper. But like the fool I am, I sort of assumed it would always be there.’

When he did eventually click on the link Haines was distraught to find an Error 404 message saying that the video had already been deleted from the internet. ‘It even specifically said Isle of Wight men should look at this, so I have no-one to blame but myself,’ he said.

‘Ah well,’ he consoled himself, ‘there’s still plenty of pictures of funny cats out there and I suppose if I really want to see nudie pictures of girls, I can always ask at Simpson’s Newsagents if they have any back issues of Health and Efficiency.’

Categories: Fake News

If you try to leave The Community, Lizards will devour you, warns L Ron Cameron

News Biscuit - Fri, 06/10/2016 - 4:00am

L Ron Cameron, founder of the Lyin’-Tologists, has defended his remarks in a debate on ITV when he said those who try to leave The Community will lose their homes, be weakened by war and finally picked off by lizards and the plague. These events are all scientifically proven by Remainian Scientists, he added, because if anyone leaves The Community, all scientific progress will stop.

His views were backed up by Noel Edmonds, who stated that anyone who doesn’t like living in a system where laws are made by people you can’t see, speak to or identify is clearly a monster who deserves every disease coming to them. ‘That’s a scientific fact,’ said Edmonds.

Cameron was backed by the Grand Confederacy of The Ruling Classes, which consists of every mimsy fake fabian in the kingdom of the media.

Categories: Fake News

Euro 2012 cameramen vying for coveted ‘TottyCam’ honours

News Biscuit - Fri, 06/10/2016 - 2:00am

Half way through the group stages of the European Championships and competition is hotting up among the television cameramen hoping to bag the tournament’s highest honour for picking out pretty young women from the stadium crowds.

‘The job of the TottyCam operator is highly valued, so naturally there is a lot of competition within the squad of cameramen,’ explained ITV’s Head of Sport, Niall Sloane. ‘He’s like the team’s playmaker – the other cameramen are there to do a holding job, but his only role is to bring the game to life with a sudden touch of magic by training his lens on the most beautiful women he can find. He shoots, he scores – job done.’

The tournament starts with each cameraman taking a turn on the TottyCam during the group stages, with the best performers continuing into the knockout stages. The honour of operating the TottyCam for the final traditionally goes to whoever who has shown the keenest eye for talent during the entire tournament, with the cameraman who scores the greatest number of shots on target scooping the coveted Golden Booty award.

But the pressure of performing in a big-match environment may be beginning to get to some cameramen. ‘I thought he started really brightly,’ said BBC pundit Mark Lawrenson of the TottyCam operator during England’s opening fixture against France. ‘Early on the lad did well to drift in from the right and pick out a cracking pair of French girls with a spectacular long-range effort. But then he really let himself down when he missed that blonde flashing her boobs after Lescott’s goal. It was a sitter, and at this level you just can’t afford to miss chances like that.’

Despite the pressure, English cameraman Martin Stevens is hopeful of getting his hands on the TottyCam for the final on 1 July and bringing home the honours for his country. ‘I put in a strong performance during the Italy versus Spain game, but then with the quality on display that day anyone with half an eye and a slow-motion setting could make it look sexy,’ he said. ‘But it’s the knockout stages next and anything can happen. If you get Denmark or Russia you’re laughing, but Ukraine or Greece? Well, you might be in trouble there. Pick out a minger and its sudden death.’

grumblechops

13th June 2012

Categories: Fake News

MP spots ONLY lie in EU debate

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/09/2016 - 3:55pm

Dr. Sarah Wollaston, Tory chairman of the health select committee, has stumbled across the one anomalous detail in what political commentators have described as a flawless referendum made up purely of truth, clarity and ‘unicorn tears’. Suggesting that Brexiters had fabricated a £350m figure, related to NHS funding, Dr. Wollaston was at pains to explain this was the only occurrence of a politician lying that she could think of – if you discounted any made during a day ending in ‘Y’.

Most acknowledge that finding this discrepancy was a one in million chance, similar to finding the Higgs Boson particle in your cornflakes or Donald Trump observing Ramadan. One campaigner said: ‘It’s a shame, because up until now both sides of the debate had been factually accurate in every detail; focusing on the life-affirming issues – such as plague, pestilence and dirty foreigners’.

Shocked at her discovery, Dr. Wollaston has promptly swapped sides in the debate – joining those that champion truth or at least a different brand of equivocation. Her spokeswoman said: ‘Dr. Wollaston is confident that she can put these deceptions behind her and embrace the principled exactitude that made her a Conservative – her unwavering commitment to the public sector, worker’s rights and accurate tax returns’.

Voters are hopeful that they can now return to putting their blind trust in a collection of MPs; all of whom have no problem being honest about their spouse, expenses or proximity to the oral cavity of dead livestock. The spokeswoman confirmed: ‘These little errors occur from time to time, but voters should not become distrustful. Just keep looking into my eyes. Don’t look away. Look into my eyes. You are feeling sleepy…very sleepy…’

Categories: Fake News

Maria Sharapova is appealing

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/09/2016 - 1:38pm
Categories: Fake News

Man invents new awkward greeting noise for passing strangers

News Biscuit - Thu, 06/09/2016 - 7:00am

Rob Flynn from Scole, said he felt strangely compelled to audibly recognise another rambler that he passed in country lane, but had no foreknowledge or designs on the bizarre sound that actually issued forth from his mouth and airways.

‘I don’t know why I did it, but I appeared to have no choice’ lamented the 39 year old, as colleagues brought him a cup of tea and a biscuit back in the relative safety of the office.

‘The figure who approached initiated eye contact at around 30 paces – meaning I was unable to hurl myself into a hedge and hide there until he passed, as is my usual strategy’ he continued. ‘Torn between my dual but diametrically opposed English traits to seem both polite yet also mind my own fucking business, I exhaled some sort of guttural anomaly that was neither human, nor animal.’

‘It kind of sounded like a ‘Huuu-yii!’ – the intonation rising at the end like the umpire’s recognition of a strike in the Japanese sword-art of Kendo. I actually tried to commit Seppuku at the end of the road with a fallen branch but ended up apologising profusely to another pedestrian who had bumped into me.’

thatwasbeast

Categories: Fake News

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 5:00pm
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