Fake News

Philanthropist Murdoch extends back to work scheme to useless manager

News Biscuit - Fri, 03/06/2015 - 8:00am

Unlike many employers, who would have baulked at the idea of re-employing a manager who failed to notice massive organisational corruption, Rupert Murdoch has generously provided a job at media agency Storyful to criminally inept former editor Rebekah Brooks.

Earlier this year, Mrs Brooks was cleared of being even vaguely awake during her tenure as editor of News of the World. Her lawyers proved that rather than being a criminal at the heart of a scandal, she was simply innocently clueless, ‘like a cute ginger kitten on rohypnol’.

A spokeswoman for NewsCorp said: ‘Yes, Brooks is clearly the worst manager we’ve ever had. But gross misconduct is not a barrier to employment, provided you know how to keep schtum and giving the impression of competence is not always desirable. Ask Coulson how he liked Wandsworth.’

Categories: Fake News

Korean freestyle barber in diplomatic incident

News Biscuit - Fri, 03/06/2015 - 5:00am

South Korea’s champion extreme barber, Swi-Ne Tod, has been arrested in Seoul after a competition went wrong. Tod, a world record holder in the Ambassador class of Extreme Shaving, was in the process of executing a high-tariff soap-free shave on American ambassador Mark Lippert when things got out of hand.

‘Swi-Ne had done the somersault and added a twist before attempting to tidy up the right sideboards when the stupid American moved,’ said a judge, who was masquerading as a waiter at the breakfast meeting Lippert was attending. ‘This caused the competitor to lose 0.5 marks for the little nick although the style marks weren’t affected.’

Extreme Shaving is an event in which the shaving models are unaware of their role in the competition until afterwards, usually in the A&E departments where they are sewed up later.


Categories: Fake News

Parisian waiter ‘accidentally nice’ to English family

News Biscuit - Fri, 03/06/2015 - 3:00am

In an unprecedented disruption of normal relations between France and Great Britain, a Paris waiter has admitted being ‘accidentally nice’ to an English family visiting Paris. The Hatcher family from Letchworth, Herts, are still ‘in shock’ after the incident in which bistro waiter Georges Latour smiled and wished the family ‘A bientôt’ and politely thanked them for the adequate tip which had been left for him.

Graham Hatcher said:  ‘We were completely shocked and I could see that the children were scared and upset.  The holiday had been lovely up to then, typically Parisian.  The museum staff at the Louvre were completely pig ignorant, the Gendarmes pointedly ignored us when we asked for directions, and even when we went to Euro Disney, Goofy and Minnie Mouse shrugged contemptuously when we asked for a picture with the kids.  It was perfect; we couldn’t have asked for a more authentic Parisian experience.  And then in one moment, the whole holiday was ruined’.

President Hollande has personally expressed grave concern over the incident and the President of the Waiters Union, the Federation Nationale du Serveurs Grossieur, issued a statement:  ‘Visitors from all over the world have come to expect a certain standard of seething contempt from the waiters of Paris.  I can only express my personal apologies to the Flaccid, Charmless Rosbifs involved in this incident and assure them that if they return to Paris, I will personally make sure they are treated like the Anglo Saxon refuse they are’.

The waiter at the centre of the incident has been suspended from his post and stripped of his apron and bow-tie pending a full inquiry.  Speaking from his home in the 18th Arrondisement, Monsieur Latour said:  ‘It had been a long day, I was exhausted.  It was a moment of thoughtlessness.  I’d already worked a 36-hour week as a sneering Gallic Stereotype.  If the Hatcher’s ever do decide to return, I promise wholeheartedly to snigger at their pasty complexions and phlegm in their onion soup to ensure they experience the true taste of Paris’.

Categories: Fake News

Ofsted criticises ‘simplistic’ Jihadi Janet & John books

News Biscuit - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 4:55pm

Poor teaching materials are being blamed for falling standards of radicalisation in state schools, according to a recent Ofsted inspection. When Year 8-10 pupils should be reading the Qu’ran and instructions on how to make cluster bombs, all too many are still looking at the simplistic dogma of Jihadi Janet and John

‘By the time they get round to colouring in they aren’t ready to get full benefit from gay porn mags stuffed behind the cisterns in the bogs in time to do badly at their GCSEs,’ said an inspector. ‘We cannot hope to educate a new generation of embittered, violent misfits like this. Numeracy standards are also sadly lacking. We are finding children can’t even down from ten to one without a device going off prematurely.’

Parent focus groups echoed the sense of their children being failed by the system. ‘Nowadays if you want to be sure of your child going on to drop out of decent university and turn up in Syria wielding sharpened cutlery you have to go private,’ said Tanya, a disappointed mother from Cripstead. ‘I didn’t get two jobs and flog the Range Rover to get the twins into one of the best state schools in the country just to have them end up with careers in banking.’

A frightened parent who wished to remain nameless said that she had heard her first-born talking to his friends about going into politics because the standards of radicalisation at his school had slipped so badly. She added she knew she should confide her fears to the police, but was worried about the shame that he might be bringing on his family.

Added an ISIS spokesman: ‘See John. John has big knife. John take knife. John cut off bad man’s head. Good boy John. John blow up church. See Janet. Janet in house. Janet belong in house. See Janet come out of house. John punch Janet in face. Janet go back in house. Bad girl Janet. Good boy John.’

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: NYC To Give Students Muslim Holy Days Off From School

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 1:18pm
New York City mayor Bill de Blasio officially added two Muslim holy days, Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha, to the public school calendar, making it the nation’s largest school district to close schools in observance of Muslim sacred days.

Categories: Fake News

Hockey Referee Comes Away From Faceoff Without Hand

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 1:16pm
Hockey Referee Comes Away From Faceoff Without Hand

Categories: Fake News

Loyal Senator Still Lying Patiently In Spot Where Beloved Bill Died

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 1:15pm
WASHINGTON—In a scene that congressional staffers have called heartbreaking and difficult to witness, sources within the Capitol reported today that Sen.

Categories: Fake News

Justice Department Calls On Ferguson To Align Level Of Institutional Racism With Rest Of Country

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 12:59pm
WASHINGTON—Describing its policing practices as totally out of step with the nation as a whole, the U.S.

Categories: Fake News

People Apparently Been Using Rest Stop Barbecue Pit

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 11:51am
GREENVILLE, SC—Scrutinizing the ashes of charcoal briquettes inside the weathered firebox, motorist Matt Palmeri reportedly deduced Thursday that people traveling southbound along Interstate 85 have apparently been using the rest stop’s barbec...

Categories: Fake News

Wedding Planner Suggests Replacing Unsightly Groom

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 11:00am
NASHVILLE, TN—Saying that a lot of brides don’t give enough thought to such an important detail and end up regretting it later, local wedding planner Maureen Crompton suggested that her client Ali Peterson consider replacing the unsightly groo...

Categories: Fake News

Courageous Man Overcomes Woman’s Body Language To Continue Hitting On Her

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 10:25am
CHICAGO—Displaying the fortitude and mettle of only the most battle-hardened warriors, local man Cory Watts courageously overcame the body language of a woman at O’Houlihan’s Pub to continue hitting on her, sources confirmed Thursday.

Categories: Fake News

Report: Cavaliers Players Having Issues Gelling During Postgame Celebrations

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 10:11am
CLEVELAND—Saying that they still appear disjointed and unsure of themselves, sources within the Cleveland Cavaliers organization revealed Thursday that players are having significant issues gelling during postgame celebrations.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Uber Launches Quarterly Print Magazine For Drivers

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 9:31am
In what some say is an effort to make amends with drivers whose data was stolen and who have complained about working conditions, Uber has launched a new print magazine specifically for their drivers called Momentum, which will feature tips for sta...

Categories: Fake News

Frustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure

Onion - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 8:53am
WASHINGTON—Offering vocal criticism of the aging transit network and its continued failure to meet their transportation needs, frustrated citizens nationwide are calling upon federal officials this week to at long last update the country’s obs...

Categories: Fake News

Cameron ‘can only have sex once before election’

News Biscuit - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 8:00am

Samantha Cameron has accused the Prime Minister of running scared after he told her that he would only be available to have sex with her once in March for a single 90-minute session before the election a rather than the three bouts she had proposed.

David Cameron’s mail said that ‘while I admit that I have enjoyed intercourse in the past the negotiations in the run up to our night of passion have been chaotic’ and demanded that the DUP be included as well. His wife tersely replied: ‘If you don’t have the guts to stand up and do your duty as a husband perhaps Nick Clegg will do it.’

‘It’s typical of David,’ she told reporters, ‘he will use any excuse to pull out at the last minute. The whole thing leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth’.

Categories: Fake News

France to be sent to bed early

News Biscuit - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 5:00am

The Council of Europe has taken draconian measures to deal with France’s failure to play by the rules regarding corporal punishment, after it emerged that 90% of French parents have at some point smacked their children. France is to be in bed by 9 o’clock this evening and will not be allowed to watch television, go on Facebook or attend sex parties.

‘This type of behaviour has to be stamped out,’ said the Council. ‘France has let Europe and itself down and it should take some time out to think seriously about its attitude.’ However, UKIP leader Nigel Farage commented: ‘Typical French, one rule for them and one for everyone else, I would advocate a sharp clip round the ear for this type of misbehaviour.’


Categories: Fake News

Church of England ‘forces women into bobble hats’

News Biscuit - Thu, 03/05/2015 - 3:00am

The Church of England confirmed yesterday that it will soon require female adherents to cover their heads in public, and that the covering should be ‘fluffy, preferably woollen, with a pom-pom on top’.

‘We’re sick of losing ground to stricter religions’ said a spokesman. ‘The bobble hat, as well as representing an English cultural tradition going back many years, is an effective way of ensuring a lady’s modesty. We’re not saying anyone who refuses to wear it is going to hell. We’re just saying they’re probably a slut.’

A pilot study in south London revealed strong support among conservative evangelicals for the move. After two months of hat-wearing last summer the congregation of Holy Trinity, Wallington, went even further, forcing their women to wear anoraks when out and about. It is understood extremist fringes quickly added waterproof trousers to the uniform, ‘just in case’.

The motives of the Anglican ministry have been questioned by observers however. Some pointed out that the church pension board became a major investor in Millets, the high street camping equipment store only last month, while others noted the reversal of the Church’s previous tolerant position, which saw many women ordained to positions of authority. ‘We’ve thought of that’ said the spokesman. ‘Their bobble hats will be called ‘Birettas’ and in accordance with their status, their cassocks will be made of the finest duffel.’

There have also been sinister rumours that female churchgoers unwilling to comply with the hardline rules have been subject to a public tutting. Church officials, however, insist that ecclesiatical law is clear that the only sanction for non-compliance is ‘harmless’ private eye-rolling at coffee mornings. And despite the controversy, there are already signs that the new approach might boost attendance figures.

‘I never knew what the C of E stood for’ said Stacey Williams, 23. ‘But now I know it has a random, defeminising dress code that will make me stand out in public, I’m definitely more interested. And as a committed advocate of equal rights, I just can’t wait to get stuck into making intellectually tortuous feminist justifications for being being forced to sell jumble.’

SuburbanDad, with a hat-tip to IronDuke

2nd March 2011

Categories: Fake News

Katie Hopkins to be crucified on Good Friday to redeem sins of mankind

News Biscuit - Wed, 03/04/2015 - 4:55pm

The Church of England’s first female bishop has confirmed that celebrity Antichrist Katie Hopkins is to be executed on the cross on Good Friday, April 3. Against the backdrop of yet another cosmologically inconsequential but newsworthy Twitter spat, the Right Reverend Libby Lane preached that this was humanity’s last chance to find eternal salvation.

‘If my new role has taught me anything, it’s the mantra “Let’s try it with a woman”,’ said Reverend Lane. ‘If Jesus of Nazareth can’t save us, what do we lose by crucifying a horse-faced troll from Barnstaple? I’m certain we can find a tenuous Bible passage which foretold this. It’s never failed before.’

She continued: ‘First she has a go at Lily Allen, then Katie Price and now she’s taunting Bravo TV star Danny Dyer about an unorthodox marriage proposal. It’s tantamount to blasphemy, considering his performance in films like ‘Run For Your Wife’ and ‘Pimp’. I’m told that Miss Hopkins wasn’t so much immaculately conceived but the failed experiment of trying to crossbreed a tapeworm and a Tory peer. So there’s little to no chance of a resurrection. Thank God. We could even cremate her afterwards to be on the safe side.’

The crucifixion has triggered a frenzied bidding war for television rights with the spectacle likely to be shared by Sky and God TV. Thirty-second television adverts are to be shown in between nail hammerings and are expected to achieve higher revenues than the Superbowl. Davina McCall will host and One Direction will perform a cover version of Michael Jackson’s ‘Heal the World’, which viewers can then download on iTunes.

‘I like the sound of this new Libby geezer bird,’ said Danny Dyer. ‘I’ve never been into all that religious stuff, but she’s got the right idea sorted when it comes to justice. She’s also agreed to star in my new TV series ‘Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Women’, along with Myleene Klass and hopefully Rose West live by satellite link. Result.’

Katie Hopkins also wanted to speak to us, but we told her to shut the fuck up.

jonessgl, hat tip to Crayon

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Tips For Living Longer

Onion - Wed, 03/04/2015 - 1:53pm
Thanks to better medical care and higher quality of life, human beings are living longer than ever.

Categories: Fake News

Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country

Onion - Wed, 03/04/2015 - 1:37pm
WASHINGTON—Noting that they are far more likely than their peers to have sufficient savings in their later years, a new study released Wednesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security confirmed that Nazi treasure hunters are currently foll...

Categories: Fake News
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