Fake News

American Voices: Russian Gangsters Steal 1.2 Billion Passwords

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 1:00pm
A Milwaukee online security firm discovered this week that a Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion username and password combinations from internet users, the largest theft of its kind in history, and are using most of the information to send out spam...

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Dorm Room Essentials

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 12:25pm
With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like ...

Categories: Fake News

Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 11:50am
WILMINGTON, DE—Over the course of their dinner Tuesday evening at a local bar and grill, area woman Melissa Kowalski, 27, reportedly faced a constant stream of her date’s personal flaws so swift and intense that she could not possibly rational...

Categories: Fake News

Study Finds Blame Now Fastest Human Reflex

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 11:40am
WALTHAM, MA—According to a study published Wednesday in the New England Journal of Medicine, blame has now surpassed instinctive responses such as blinking and flinching as the fastest human reflex.

Categories: Fake News

Going-Out-Of-Business Sign Thanks Neighborhood For 3 Months Of No Support Whatsoever

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 11:00am
INDIANAPOLIS—Shuttering its doors after an unprofitable 12 weeks in business, local coffee shop Crossroads Café offered a heartfelt goodbye to the community this week with a large going-out-of-business sign thanking residents for their total ...

Categories: Fake News

New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 10:40am
WASHINGTON— In an effort to ensure that those on welfare are actively seeking employment, a new law enacted this week will require recipients of federal aid to periodically submit vials of sweat for measurement by government officials.

Categories: Fake News

Special K women in court on suspicion of theft

News Biscuit - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 8:26am

A gang of beautiful women appeared in court today facing charges of theft and trespassing. The women were nabbed last week at a barn in Kent, where Police found them feasting on their ill-gotten grains. Witnesses say the gang, led by a woman wearing a red dress and known as ‘Kay’, gained access to the field by bursting through a set a barn gates and dancing onto the private land.

The court then heard how the women proceeded to steal a barrow load of grapes, apples and barley wheat before hijacking a tractor. ‘All the while the women were laughing a smiling and showing a complete disregard for the law’, said a witness. The judge will pass sentence tomorrow, where the farmer says he hopes they all do porridge.


Categories: Fake News

American Voices: More Couples Using ‘Wedding Drones’ To Film Nuptials

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 8:10am
A growing number of U.S. couples are using small commercial drones to shoot photographs of wedding guests and capture aerial footage of their ceremonies, though the Federal Aviation Administration has warned that the practice is illegal and offenders coul...

Categories: Fake News

Ecclestone appointed as Justice Czar: New crime tariffs announced

News Biscuit - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 4:21am

Bernie Ecclestone is to lead a ‘modernised’ justice system, with cash penalties rather than time in jail as the deterrent. ‘It works in every walk of life’, he told journalists. ‘If you ask a plumber to change your bath for one with thicker gold plating, he doesn’t put you in jail, he sends you a bill’.

‘We should do the same with crime. Okay, if somebody can’t pay or won’t pay, then he should be locked up. But after a while it will just be the thick criminals who get locked up, the smart ones will be out there, contributing to the exchequer like the good citizens they are’.

He added: ‘We need to properly incentivise crime, let the successful criminals expand. And it would pay for more coppers to catch the criminals, resulting in a virtuous cycle of more chargeable offences leading to more taxes leading to higher conviction rates and so on. I foresee a day when the whole country is just criminals and coppers, and we’ll all be rich enough to own an F1 car. Beautiful.’

Categories: Fake News

‘Guess Who? Religious Edition’ criticised for leaving out Muhammad

News Biscuit - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 2:10am

Hasbro, makers of the famous ‘Guess Who?’ game, has had to increase security at all its offices and factories worldwide following threats of protests and violence. The complaints have come following its release of a special ‘Religious Icon’ edition where they have not included the prophet Muhammad.

‘We have all of the main Gods, sons of Gods, and other religious characters,’ said a spokesman for Hasbro, ‘but we just couldn’t find an up-to-date picture of Muhammad. He’s obvious very protective of his privacy. But after seeing the problems previous attempts to caricature him have caused, we thought it best to leave him off. Now we’re criticised for not recognising Islam. It’s Catch-22.’

The omission of Muhammad has led to accusations that Hasbro is being anti-Islamic, with protesters claiming that their religion is again being discriminated against and portrayed as having no sense of fun.

‘Of course us Muslims know how to have a good time – we love Guess Who as much as the next person,’ said one protester. ‘But although you cannot show a picture of the prophet, they could have found a way around it. Leave the tile blank, just put his name on it or cover him in a burkha. There must be some way to do it, otherwise how could Muhammad have had a passport?’

The exclusion of Muhammad is not the only criticism made about the new ‘Religious Icon’ edition of the game. ‘Us professional players have had to completely change our questioning techniques,’ said ‘Guess Who?’ world champion, Mark Headley. ‘Asking ‘does he have a beard?’ is now pointless, and if you have a Hindu god, you can lose with just one question, ‘does he have six arms?’’

Although the protests against Hasbro’s decision started peacefully, one quickly turned violent and the company’s head office was taken over. ‘We had been anticipating trouble so set up four rows of guards outside the building,’ said Hasbro’s head of security. ‘However, the protesters simply flipped them over when it turned out none of them had glasses or a beard.’

23rd September 2012

Categories: Fake News

Critically acclaimed street performer actually ‘pissed angry dosser’, says Fringe

News Biscuit - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 3:55pm

Fringe Festival organisers have confirmed today that a man who has been delighting tourists on Edinburgh’s High Street is not an ‘artsy street performer’, but actually a local homeless man with alcohol issues and an aggressive personality disorder.

The clarification comes after the Guardian gave the man, known locally as ‘Mad Davie’, a five-star review.  ‘Street theatre doesn’t get any better than this’, claimed critic Fenton Barnes in the misguided and widely-read review.  ‘The boorishness of Mad Davie’s performance is a wonderful counterpoint to all that is going on around him – in Mad Davie’s hands being told to ‘eff off back where ye come from’ – is truly exhilarating.

It continued: ‘His stream of phlegm speckled invective is interrupted only by his harrowing pleas for cash before we are engulfed once more in a tidal wave of four-letter opprobrium. Has first world hypocrisy ever been more starkly exposed than this?’

Visiting English couple John and Helen Brookes sought out ‘Mad Davie’ on the strength of the Guardian review. ‘We felt a bit foolish when we found out that he is just a local drunk, especially after we gave him £20 for his ‘performance’, said Helen.  ‘That said, paying twenty quid to have an alcoholic psychopath screaming abuse in your face for five minutes is still better value than the American improv group we saw last night’.

A spokesman for the Fringe said: ‘Mad Davie isn’t street theatre; he’s here all year. If the Guardian like that sort of thing they should have been here in January when he was pissing up against our office window at nine o’clock on a Tuesday morning, threatening to kick our heads in. That really was ‘truly exhilarating’.


Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Open Carry Gun Law Advocates Release Children’s Book

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 2:00pm
Pro-gun advocates have released a children’s picture book called My Parents Open Carry about a 13-year-old girl named Brenna Strong, whose parents openly carry guns for self-defense, which the authors say aims to educate people on Second Amen...

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 1:10pm
With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Keeping Your Child Safe Online

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 12:40pm
Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices.

Categories: Fake News

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 12:25pm
GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Categories: Fake News

Seventh-Grader Only Has 2 Weeks Left To Acquire Cool Identity By First Day Of School

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 11:05am
VALPARAISO, IN—Expressing concern that his summer vacation is too quickly passing him by, local incoming seventh-grader Matthew Valentine told reporters Tuesday he now has just two weeks left in which to acquire a cool new identity before school sta...

Categories: Fake News

Wife Already Knows The One Thing She’ll Say That Can Never Be Taken Back

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 10:35am
OCALA, FL—Acknowledging that she has the ability to forever change the dynamic of her marriage with only a few simple words, area wife Sarah Causley told reporters Tuesday that she already knows the single comment she will never be able to take back...

Categories: Fake News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 5, 2014

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 9:10am
VIRGO: You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you'll still manage to be considered a success.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Study: Human Culture Evolved As Testosterone Levels Fell

Onion - Tue, 08/05/2014 - 8:00am
According to new research, the development of modern arts and advanced tools arose in human culture about 50,000 years ago, at the same time as levels of testosterone—the hormone linked to macho, aggressive behavior—began decreasing in humans.

Categories: Fake News
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