Fake News

Sergeant Pepper dating site upsets visitors

News Biscuit - Sun, 06/04/2017 - 4:07pm

In a move that has disappointed some of its more traditional band members, Sergeant Pepper has launched his Lonely Hearts Club online as a dating site. The 50-year-old club has been a “late adopter” of modern technology, but “we have gone for it big-time”, says the Sergeant, “and the response has been overwhelming”, with 1,967 visitors signing up in the first hour alone.

However, Mr Kite, the band’s famous baritone trampoline player, complained that the website was “lurid” and “not in the spirit of the band. There are adverts offering premium rate chatlines with Lovely Rita, and I can tell you now that the picture does not depict the lady in her full uniform. And as for the ad that offers you 10,000 holes in Blackburn, I am disgusted.”

Other users complained that the advertising for Lucy In The Sky With Diamante Knickers and offering “a little help from your friends with benefits” was lewd. The ad beneath the banner “within you without you” is not fit to describe here.

In response, Sergeant Pepper, 64, admitted the site suffered from teething troubles but would be “getting better all the time”. The advertising was beyond the control of the site, he claimed, saying they were placed by Google, and he promised that “all holes would be fixed very soon”.


Categories: Fake News

Amber Rudd gives magic money tree advice on Gardener’s Question Time

News Biscuit - Sat, 06/03/2017 - 3:54pm

After her successful turn standing in for Theresa May at the BBC Election Debate – in which she mocked Jeremy Corbyn for not knowing how to grow a magic money tree – Home Secretary Amber Rudd has made a guest appearance on Radio 4’s Gardener’s Question Time.

Ms Rudd told the live studio audience that “Magic money trees really need a Caribbean climate to flourish, where they are protected from financial storms in the shelter of secure and stable tax havens. I’ve personally grown two magic money trees in the Bahamas, but Bermuda and the Cayman Islands can be just as fruitful.

“Mr Corbyn will be sadly disappointed if he tries to grow a magic money tree in his North Islington allotment, or anywhere else that you commoners have access to.”

Listeners were then charmed by Ms Rudd’s vague recollections of how she inherited her green fingers from her late father, who was a successful stockbroker in all weathers and a master plantsman when it came to cash crops, greenbacks and preventing HMRC blight.

Ms Rudd, who blossomed as a director of share fraudsters Monticello plc, went on to explain how the magic money tree (Arecaceae Taxavoida,  also known as the Greedy Palm) requires no actual work once it is established, and yet every financial year it produces a lovely bunch of cash coconuts.

When asked if the magic money tree is an endangered species, Ms Rudd said that thanks to the Conservatives it would continue to have protected status and they will keep on digging in a rich mix of bullshit to ensure its survival.

Categories: Fake News

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 5:00pm
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