Fake News

Man On Date Ready For Question About Siblings This Time

Onion - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 11:15am
DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his s...

Categories: Fake News

[video] Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier And Earlier, Report Teen Boys

Onion - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 10:33am
A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.

Categories: Fake News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 29, 2014

Onion - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 8:50am
Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem. Taurus You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro over what is and is not in f...

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Teens Getting High Off Lip Balm In New ‘Beezin’ Trend

Onion - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 8:00am
At least one local news station is reporting that teenagers are engaging in a new trend called “beezin,” which apparently involves applying Burt’s Bees lip balm to the eyelids to experience a tingling sensation from the peppermint oil.

Categories: Fake News

Double Pope beatification abandoned after fits of giggles

News Biscuit - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 7:00am

It is thought the outbreak began among the higher echelons of priests and worked outwards. Eventually the whole of Vatican Square was in engulfed in laughter.

‘I couldn’t help it’ said one cardinal, ‘I just glanced at the Pope and he had that look in his face that he was about to ‘go’. Then the bishops started and I couldn’t stifle it.’

‘There was incense swinging round, indecipherable Latin chanting, choirs, people running round with bits of popes … It was nuts. Everyone was just thinking of the madness of what we were doing.’

Categories: Fake News

A PR Nursery rhyme

News Biscuit - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 6:30am

Categories: Fake News

Britain to become satanist by next Thursday

News Biscuit - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 5:10am

Confusion continues to mount about Britain’s religious status after theological experts extrapolated data to show that the country could be “mostly satanist”, possibly by as soon as Thursday.

‘Less than a fortnight ago, we were a Christian country,’ said one theology researcher. ‘The latest we have is a clear and verifiable argument which suggests we are now ‘post-Christian’, so if we plot the rate of change on a graph and extend it a bit we can see that, by Thursday, shifting sociological trends and the pace of modern life will have transformed the faith of the country once more and we’ll all be worshipping Lucifer.’

But the research shows an even more worrying trend, the researchers revealed. ‘Taken to its extreme, we pass through to a yet worse, post-satanist state to a new and hideous conclusion where we are all in thrall to a dark, charismatic, even more demonic being. Our results show this could happen as early as…. er, when does X-Factor start again?’


Categories: Fake News

Rise in cannabis farms linked to new BBC show ‘Hash in the Attic’

News Biscuit - Tue, 04/29/2014 - 2:00am

An increase in the number of cannabis farms detected by the police in the UK has been attributed to a controversial new daytime TV show on BBC1, ‘Hash in the Attic’. Hosted by Gloria Hunniford and Aled Jones and aimed at students and the unemployed, the programme hopes to raise money for the households they visit by using their lofts to cultivate vast crops of illegal drugs and then sell them at auctions on the street corner.

‘Until Gloria Hunniford turned up at my house and started rummaging through the loft, I never realised I was sitting on such a treasure trove,’ said 22-year-old Carl Samuels, occupier of a house with 250-square-foot attic. ‘I needed to raise some money to pay off my court fines, but cannabis production had never occurred to me before Aled Jones started setting up the artificial lights and hydroponic equipment. I only needed £400 but at auction round the back of the pub we raised more than five grand.’

Each programme sees Hunniford and Jones arrive at someone’s home and discuss how much money they’d like to raise before heading into the loft to black out the windows, rig up lights and dispense expert advice on seeds, fertilisers and abstracting electricity from your neighbours. The presenters then return after a couple of months to help with the harvest and bag up the goods for auction.

‘The best bit was when they came round to test the crop,’ said 17-year-old Luke, a former apprentice mechanic from Luton but now a feared drugs baron and organic farmer. ‘I knew I was onto a winner when Gloria Hunniford took a couple of big hits on the bong, slowly grinned and gave me the thumbs-up before announcing, ‘This is some really good shit’. She then fell off her chair and laughed for 30 minutes straight before asking the production crew if they had any Monster Munch or Snickers. In the end we had to fit a stair-lift to get her back down.’

The success of ‘Hash in the Attic’ has prompted other daytime TV shows to change their formats. ‘Homes Under the Hammer’ will now focus on the violence that can follow when drug dealers pop round to collect the money they’re owed, while ITV are planning to send orange-skinned antiques expert David Dickinson to Columbia to score a ‘cheap-as-chips’ shipment of cocaine in ‘Dickinson’s Real Deal’.

Categories: Fake News

Cornwall ‘real’, apparently

News Biscuit - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 3:55pm

Much to the surprise of cartographers, scientists and pasty lovers, the EU has confirmed that the ‘bit that stops Devon getting too wet’ is not just a fairy story told to children to warn about the perils of a dairy-fat diet. Contrary to popular belief and evidence from tax-returns, Cornwall is actually a ‘non-fictional’ landmass and is populated by indigenous bipeds, whose DNA is 38% comprised of whortleberry pie.

Along with Brigadoon, Social Equality and the G-spot, Cornwall was previously thought to be an imaginary locale which was only brought into existence after being declared a Duchy by George III during one of his ‘less lucid moments’.

The legend goes that Truro was a ‘lost city’ situated at the heart of Earth’s clotted cream core. There the dark elves, condemned souls and Lib Dems would feast upon ‘gerty milk’, Ginsters and ‘toe nail clippings’. Only when under the influence of eight pints of cider could a human see these mythic creatures and their damp home. Every so often ‘when the moon was full’, Dorset virgins would be carried off into the night by piskies to be plied with saffron cake, dirty limericks and ‘the juice of the little people’ (‘pobel vean’).

Cornish folklore, or ‘Ye olde Tourist Trap’ as it is sometimes referred to in the glossy brochures, speaks of the country’s founding by Corineus as a ‘ponzi scheme gone wrong’. The ‘droll tellers’ often sing of the birthplace of King Arthur which coincidently doubles as the final resting place for ‘the concept of a sunny British holiday’. They also sing the sad lament of Bucca – the Spirit of the Sea – who will only allow the water to be ‘one degree above’ freezing point. Unfortunately Peter Jackson has already dismissed plans to film his next fantasy franchise there, as ‘too implausibly twee’.

European rules will grant the Cornish people minority status and all the same rights as ‘other small mammals’. A spokesman for Communities Minister Stephen Williams confirmed: ‘The Cornish will receive funding to protect against assimilation, hygiene and liking the English. They will also gain the same status as other Celtic communities – with their own ‘embarrassing Eurovision entry’, ‘spurious scrabble words’ and ‘absence from World Cup football finals’.’

Categories: Fake News

Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 3:30pm
WHITE PLAINS, NY—After years of gathering evidence and building a case against what has come to be regarded as one of the world’s largest and most successful smut distribution networks, federal agents busted a massive child pornography corpora...

Categories: Fake News

Americans Once Again Inspired As Kerri Strug Limps To Liquor Store

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 3:00pm
TUCSON, AZ—Kerri Strug, the former gymnast who memorably hobbled her way to Olympic gold in 1996, once again reportedly inspired the nation Sunday as she resiliently limped to the Four Star Liquor store, fighting back tears as she purchased $17.37 w...

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: George Clooney Engaged

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 2:00pm
People magazine is reporting that after a string of high-profile relationships, 52-year-old actor George Clooney has popped the question to his girlfriend of less than a year, British-Lebanese human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin.

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: What The Average Teen Spends On Prom

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 1:00pm
The cost of going to prom is predicted to be nearly $1,000 this year, with teens and their families spending enormous amounts of money on formal wear, limousines, post-dance parties, and more.

Categories: Fake News

Gym Teacher Still Remembers Names Of Every Former Pantywaist

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 11:40am
MADISON, WI—Saying he could still picture every one of their sissy faces like it was yesterday, longtime high school gym teacher Arthur Toborg told reporters Monday he is able to recall the names of every former pantywaist he had in class.

Categories: Fake News

Mom Packs Encouraging Note In Own Lunch

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 10:15am
GREENSBURG, IN—In an effort to brighten her afternoon and get herself through the tough first day of another week, area mother and account manager Anna Claremont, 43, reportedly tucked an affectionate, handwritten note into her own lunch bag Monday ...

Categories: Fake News

Bill And Melinda Scoggins Foundation Pledges $58 For Charity

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 10:00am
GALENA, IL—Continuing in its philanthropic mission to promote educational and humanitarian causes throughout the entire northwest Illinois region, the Bill and Melinda Scoggins Foundation announced Monday a landmark $58 pledge to help fund the local...

Categories: Fake News

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 28, 2014

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 8:45am
The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 28, 2014

Categories: Fake News

Editorial Cartoon: Maternity War

Onion - Mon, 04/28/2014 - 8:30am
Maternity War

Categories: Fake News
Syndicate content