Fake News

Report: Middle Class Running Dangerously Low On Things To Be Squeezed Out Of

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 2:10pm
WASHINGTON—An alarming report released Thursday by researchers at the Economic Policy Institute confirmed that, following a generation of dwindling economic opportunities and stagnant wages, the American middle class is now running dangerously low o...

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American Voices: China Bans Government Use Of Apple Products

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 1:35pm
Due to fears of espionage posed by revelations from Edward Snowden, the Chinese government has banned its ministries and federal agencies from buying or using 10 Apple products, including the iPad and MacBook, over concerns that the U.S.

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Latest Online Security Breach Forces Mom To Change Post-It

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 1:25pm
Latest Online Security Breach Forces Mom To Change Post-It

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Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 12:50pm
MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...

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Survey: Americans Watching Better Sex Than Ever

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 12:30pm
LOS ANGELES—Reflecting a significant shift in societal attitudes and behaviors, a survey completed this week by researchers at the University of Southern California revealed that American adults are watching far better sex than ever before. The init...

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Delta Launches Alumni Magazine For People Who Flew Airline Previously

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 11:50am
ATLANTA—In an effort to foster lifelong connections with past fliers and provide them with updates on the lives of their old cabinmates, Delta Air Lines announced Thursday the launch of Flown, an alumni magazine for its former passengers. Pub...

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Slideshow: A Look Back At Greg Oden's Career

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 11:10am
A Look Back At Greg Oden's Career

Categories: Fake News

Statshot: Why Are We Getting Our Tattoo Removed?

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 10:20am
Why Are We Getting Our Tattoo Removed?

Categories: Fake News

Hispanics Expected To Become Majority Of U.S. Population By Middle Of Father-In-Law’s Rant

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 10:10am
WASHINGTON—According to a Census Bureau report released Thursday, Hispanics are now projected to make up the majority of the U.S.

Categories: Fake News

Nation’s Prospective College Applicants Go Straight To Princeton Review’s ‘Best College Radio Station’ Rankings

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 9:50am
NATICK, MA—Saying that the ratings were influential in helping them make decisions about where to pursue higher education, prospective college applicants across the country reportedly rushed online this week to consult the Princeton Review’s 2...

Categories: Fake News

Tiger Woods Developing Swing That Doesn’t Send Pain Shooting Through Every Inch Of Body

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 9:35am
LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to fine-tune his mechanics after returning from a recent back surgery, golf star Tiger Woods told reporters at the PGA Championship Wednesday that he is currently working on building a new swing that doesn’t send waves of intense pain through every single inch of his body.

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American Voices: ‘Pheromone Parties’ Help Singles Find Dates By Sniffing Each Other

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 8:45am
More singles are taking part in an alternative dating trend called “pheromone parties,” in which participants sleep in the same T-shirts for three nights, put them in numbered plastic bags, and bring them to parties where guests can sniff the ...

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Referees to use nail guns to keep feet behind vanishing foam

News Biscuit - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 7:07am

The FA will ensure that Premier League referees will be better equipped to handle encroachment at free-kicks for the coming season, with the introduction of ‘heavy-duty nail guns’, Chief Executive Richard Scudamore announced today.

Following extensive trials at St George’s Park, the FA confirmed that vanishing spray ‘just isn’t enough’ to keep a defensive wall the correct distance from a free-kick taker, and insist nail guns are the way forward.

‘Let’s see if those cheeky defenders can sneak forward with two rusty nine-inch nails through their metatarsals’, said excited Premier League referee, Mark Clattenburg.

Meanwhile, an experimental scheme to discourage diving by allowing referees to ‘taser’ errant forwards has been discontinued. ‘The equipment is just too bulky for referees to carry’, said Scudamore, ‘so we’ve given it to the assistants’.


Categories: Fake News

Married men delighted with return of ‘The Great British Bake Off’

News Biscuit - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 4:00am

After an agonisingly long wait, married men up and down the country were delighted to see the return of the BBC’s ‘The Great British Bake Off’ last night.

‘It’s been wall-to-wall sport in our house over the last few months, what with the golf, World Cup and the Commonwealth Games’, said father of two, Scott. ‘The wife just sits there all day in her sweat pants watching it with crates of lager. Not enough comfort TV on nowadays if you ask me,’ he added.

Men, in particular married men, have really taken to the pedestrian pace of watching macaroons rise in the oven, and Mary Berry giving expert advice on tempering white chocolate. ‘There’s something about watching an amateur chef battling with an egg custard that really helps me relax after a long day in work’, said newly wed, Thomas. ‘I sometimes grab a bottle of vino and invite the lads round’.

He added: ‘And what about that Mary Berry? I would. The show also has the comedy factor too, with Mel and Sue’s ‘soggy bottom’ innuendos. Women don’t get it; they lack the emotion.’

According to a survey carried out by the Radio Times, last year’s final attracted nine-million viewers, most of which were said to be married men looking for ‘escapism’ and ‘me time’.  Wife and mum Jennifer said: ‘You have to let your husband have a bit of time to himself now and again’.

‘Plus it gives me time to go online to watch porn and visit dating sites. Result.’


Categories: Fake News

Britain’s banks downgraded to ‘bastards’

News Biscuit - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 2:00am

Britain’s banks are under fire once again, after rating agency Moody’s downgraded them to ‘a shower of bastards’. While investors at HSBC are still regarded by many observers as ‘pondlife’, several other major financial institutions fear they could lose their cherished status of ‘immoral grabbing shitbags’.

Industry experts believe that despite their lower rating, wages for investment bankers should remain unaffected. ‘With the right sort of scam, we should be able to pass any additional costs straight to our customers’, explained Dominic Sharlton of Lloyds’ pilfering division. ‘In fact, we’ve been running several trial ruses for quite a while now.’

With new technology now available to Britain’s high street banks, account holders are rarely sure just how they’re being shafted. ‘We’ve learned from our mistakes with PPI and mis-selling endowments’, admitted Sharlton. ‘It really pained us to hand back quite so much money to the people it belonged to. Thankfully, we recovered most of it when we doubled your car insurance.’

Key to the sector’s recovery are computer crashes and glitches, coupled with telephone ‘swipecards’ that make ghost payments if it’s damp. ‘By combining personal banking and IT support into one huge, useless call centre, most of our victims actually believe it’s their fault that we’ve robbed them’, enthused Sharlton. ‘And all the while it’s costing them £1.20 a minute, plus a small charge for converting the payment into rupees.’

International rating agencies had feared that a streak of morality had infected Britain’s banking system, but Sharlton was quick to dismiss the rumour as ‘reckless scaremongering’. ‘I’d like to reassure the public that we plan to carry on with ‘business as usual’, and if you don’t like it, then we know we’re on the right track’, he confirmed. ‘There’s always room for improvement, and we never stop ducking and diving. Once we’ve introduced our latest charge for using debit cards in rush hour, I’m confident we’ll be upgraded back to ‘heartless thieving cunts’.

Nunnion Splendacular

Categories: Fake News

Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods

News Biscuit - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 3:55pm

After years of waking up early to walk his dog, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse.  The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.

‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton.  I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.

When pressed for details of the gruesome find, he explained:  ‘It was textbook. My black labrador ran ahead and I lost sight of him, but then I found him sniffing around a pile of leaves and saw the hand poking out.   I realised it was the body of an old woman. I phoned the police straightaway and waited for them to arrive. They put a tent around the body, and then a haggard looking world-weary cop turned up to take over and wind-up the forensics team’.

The Chief Superintendent in charge of the crime scene said: ‘We thank this old man for contacting us but we will not be talking to him from now on, and even though he discovered the body, he is not a suspect and you won’t be seeing him again’.

‘At the moment we have no idea who the dead woman is but assume that the discovery of the body will be the start of a long and complex investigation.  We suspect that the motive for the murder will have its roots in something that happened decades ago, possibly in a children’s home.

He concluded: ‘We would ask anyone who may know the dead person to come forward so that we may suspect them of not giving us the full story before offloading in an emotional denouement, at which point we will probably agree that the dead woman had it coming. For now I’ve passed the investigation over to a shambolic, divorced, middle-aged functioning alcoholic who deals with this sort of thing every week’.


Categories: Fake News

Entirety Of Man’s Personal Data Protected By Reference To Third Season Of ‘The West Wing’

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 1:30pm
ALPHARETTA, GA—Online sources confirmed Wednesday that every piece of 34-year-old Mark O’Connell’s personal data is currently protected by a reference to the third season of long-running NBC political drama The West Wing.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Russian Gangsters Steal 1.2 Billion Passwords

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 1:00pm
A Milwaukee online security firm discovered this week that a Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion username and password combinations from internet users, the largest theft of its kind in history, and are using most of the information to send out spam...

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Infographic: Dorm Room Essentials

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 12:25pm
With college right around the corner for millions of incoming freshmen, students across the country are shopping for sheets, towels, shower sandals, decorations, and other essential items to prepare for college life and make their dorm rooms feel like ...

Categories: Fake News

Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them

Onion - Wed, 08/06/2014 - 11:50am
WILMINGTON, DE—Over the course of their dinner Tuesday evening at a local bar and grill, area woman Melissa Kowalski, 27, reportedly faced a constant stream of her date’s personal flaws so swift and intense that she could not possibly rational...

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