The election of President Trump is not just a victory for orange people everywhere but an overwhelming mandate for those in the wall-building industry or Muslims who never wanted to visit the US. At last Americans can ‘grab pussies’ with impunity and give global warming the chance it deserves.
With a sympathetic House and Supreme Court, Trump looks set to secure his vision of a gun in every cereal box, deporting California and ‘waterboarding for fun’. The US itself will naturally be rebranded as âTrump Statesâ˘â; with a topless golf resort covering most of the mid-west. This will be followed by criminal charges against Hilary Clinton, Megan ‘Fox’ Kelly and all menstruators refusing to compete in his compulsory swimwear contest.
Trump promised to unify a deeply divided country by imprisoning all pollsters – a decision warmly greeted by a confused electorate. In his first few days he is expected to repeal Obama-care, replacing it with the less socially inclusive ‘Who Cares?’ He will also eliminate debt, cut taxes and increase military spending – by simply redefining basic arithmetic.
With Brexit now a dumb and distant memory, US voters confirmed that there is something worse than an Adam Sandler movie. Many await to see if Trump will keep his grandiose promises – such as free Trump-Steak for all, an end to billionaire-shaming and his long term commitment to ‘teabaging’ the Chinese President.
Satire, an archetype invented by classical Roman poets, has reversed a decision it took in early July and will continue taking charge of the global situation. Satirists, who had hoped to resume control of a vehicle that has now nullified itself by creating real world conditions so ridiculous that it is impossible to send them up, called the decision âdisappointing but understandableâ.
âJust to recap,â said Satire, âI actually began all this in the States a year ago so itâs come full circle. The joke seemed to have gone stale after a while, so I switched to Britain. I whipped up an unnecessary referendum, chucked in some grotesque stock characters and got an overgrown blonde child to pretend to be for one side when he had been for the other just months before.’
âI encouraged him to do just enough to get an honourable defeat, only to have him win so that his school chum who had been ruling the country had to resign. Then, I arranged for his weird sidekick to stab him in the back, only to get chucked out in turn, then let two demonic female figures fight it out and had one win who thought much the same as the original man about the original problem, which wasnât really a problem at all and ensured she is bound to win an election on the decision, even though most people regret it.â
At that point, Satire took a back seat, agreeing that the possibility that a fictional orange-skinned character might become the worldâs most powerful man after a campaign based on telling obvious lies, losing every debate and winning the evangelical vote by grasping vaginas was just too ridiculous to write about. Now, however, he has decided to make another go of it.
âOK, so Iâm in my comfort zone now,â Satire concluded. âThe worldâs leading nation devoting its entire energy to building a wall to stop brown-skinned people coming to do the jobs they wonât do themselves, people protesting against the 1% by voting for the epitome of the 1%, a thin-skinned, four times-bankrupt narcissist making decisions that will affect the whole world for a generation – itâs going to be epic. I mean, seriously, whatâs the worst that could happen? âŚ Nuclear war, you say? Hey, that could lead to another satire boom too. Boom â geddit? Did you see what I did there? Oh please yourselvesâŚâ
Notoriously mild-mannered editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre, made his move to trigger Article 50 today, arguing that 49 articles about Brexit in his paper each day just wasnât enough to get his message across.
âWeâve tried everything. âTake a Bow Britainâ, âEnemies of the Peopleâ, âYouâre all a bunch of European-loving t****â, noted Dacre placidly. âHowever, some people remain unconvinced by the softly-softly, measured, evidence based headline-making that is our hallmark. Itâs time for more drastic measures.â
All features in the paper will now be expected to have a Brexit angle, with the exception of the daily filler piece on the dangers of statins, for which copy is already in the can for at least the next five years.
Early sightings of tomorrowâs paper reveal a front-pager on the big overnight news from the US, revealing âMeghan Markle looking Supreme, thatâs the Judgement of everyone, as she looks for a quick Brexit back to Statesideâ. Crossword answers must now be drawn from a series of approved words, which include Brexit, May, Article 50, invoke, the, people, have, spoken, timetable, for, exit, now, now and NOW! The regular free garden seeds promotion will feature a new âsovereign Brtainâ bloom which the paper hopes will blossom ‘sometime in 2017′, but which the planting notes caution will need much attention and care from May.
Some at the paper are said to be uncomfortable with Dacreâs new editorial policy, but they know that arguing with him is ultimately a futile exercise. âColleagues say that likes to impose his will on the paperâ, said one insider. âAt least thatâs what I think they meant when they talked about that big cock on the Mail.â
Helplines have been jammed with MPs and party activists suddenly remembering that 90% of their experience at elite private schools may constitute bullying â rather than good nature âjoshingâ with a cricket bat and a âtube of lubeâ. Even the Prime Minister is said to have been abused during University initiations, Coalition negotiations and once at a dinner party by Rebekah Brooks âhigh on horse tranquilisersâ.
One MP, who did not want to be identified but who is the Right Honourable Member for Tatton, said: âLooking back at 44yrs of being a Tory, Iâve realised that itâs been non-stop bullying and preppy haircuts. I was emotionally abused by the hired help. Verbally abused by the electorate. And Vince Cable once put me in a headlockâ.
Ironically many severed animal parts may also have been on the receiving end of Tory hectoring or unwelcome coitus. Injury lawyers are anticipating a plethora of claims to be made by family members of animals forced into participating in Bullingdon Club rituals or photo opportunities. One spurious claim is that Boris Johnson, in 1989, may have swallowed half a dozen goldfish without âprior consentâ, mistaking them for âsalty table mintsâ.
A Downing Street spokesman said: âGrant Shapps has been forced to resign, which is ironically an example of when bullying works to everyoneâs benefit. However if you think you may have been mis-sold a PPI experience (or Porcum Penetratio Interrumpere as it is known) then please phone a lawyer or Lord Ashcroft – as he likes that sort of thing.â
Today the world awaits the results of a record-breaking American vote against the worst Not President of the United States (NPOTUS) in history, instead electing by default someone it is already ashamed of. In the past twenty-four hours, the two front-runners have finally ceased in their last-ditch attempts to sway swing voters to detest them less than the other contemptible candidate.
The UK has recently emerged from a similar vote on the basis of limited information on two outcomes where the consequences were indeterminate and the candidates literally lied for Britain. Most voters voted for the thing they least understood because the consequences of the other thing sounded dire. The politicians then found themselves in the invidious position of defending and implementing the thing they really didn’t vote for, or would not have given an ounce of integrity.
Sympathetic British voters have been sending advice and best wishes to their American counterparts via social media. Tristram Hopgood, a civil servant from Winchester gave the least-twattish words of advice:
âIdeally, one would avoid having a massive, bungling-man child with ridiculous yellow hair and no concept of poverty or morality anywhere near the process. If this is unavoidable, at least never allow him to act unsupervised and offer him a pretend steering-wheel on the family car and hope he is delighted with that.
If you end up voting in a scary female super-villain who makes her shoes and cloak from the skins of puppies, it is best to dig a big hole and hide in it until the financial melt-down blows over. It should be noted that the lady in question is likely to show an unhealthy interest in all things nuclear within twenty-four hours of gaining office, so best dig that hole good and deep.â
Media outlets world-wide have had an unexpectedly easy time of it preparing the front pages for the next day, with headlines reading: âAmerica, what HAVE you done?â, regardless of the outcome.
Experts around the country, from rocket scientists to brain surgeons, have confessed that they’re tired of the British public.
‘If we’re not careful, we’re in serious danger of having no experts at all.’ says the nations favourite expert on absolutely everything, Professor Brian Cox. ‘I refuse to believe that’s what Joe Public really wants, but it’s what they’re in danger of getting.
Professor Jane Wilson, clinical neuroscientist at Greater London Hospital agrees. ‘Patients routinely ask me about diseases they looked up on the internet and think they have, just because they got a headache last Tuesday. I never use Google to look up symptoms, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve searched “how to become a plumber” and considered passing on my ‘expert badge’ to Barbara from Ealing – she clearly feels she’s earned it.’
The Centre for Rocket Scientists took it one step further, and released a statement that accused the public of being ‘children with the delusion of competence about issues they haven’t the slightest clue about’, and challenged any person on the street ‘to put a rocket millions of miles into space before crashing it on Mars’.
‘We must have sent him four emails asking for a review, but he just ignored them,’ said an Amazon spokesman today. ‘He hadn’t marked the product as a gift, so there was no reason to not provide a review,’ he added.
Judge Roberts commented when sentencing Billy Askew (24) from Winsford to three months in gaol that: ‘it was every on-line shopper’s civic duty to provide a review, even if it’s clearly horseshit’. Billy was clearly shaken by the sentence: ‘it was just a set of toe-nail clippers,’ he pointed out as he was escorted from the dock. ‘They cut my toe-nails, what more is there to say?’ he asked, narrowly avoiding having his fingers trapped in the cell door.
The Amazon spokesman defended referring Billy to the authorities: ‘Everybody provides reviews these days, even HMRC gave our tax return a review. One star, a bit harsh,’ he added, while confirming that if Billy had been an Amazon Prime member. ‘We’d probably have written the review for him’.
Billy has clearly seen the error of his ways, as he posted a review of his cell on TripAdvisor. ‘Smaller than advertised, has an all pervading smell of wee and can you believe it – no spare keys!’