IOC Vice-President John Coates has told delegates at an Olympic Forum in Sydney that officials in the 2016 host city Rio de Janeiro have claimed to know nothing about the games being held there in a little over 2 yearâs time.
âOur IOC delegation to Rio couldnât believe the lack of progress,â said Coates, âpractically nothing has been done, and when we spoke to the head of the Brazilian Games Organising Committee he told me he âdidnât know anything about any Olympicsâ and asked if we were sure we had got the right city. When I pressed him further he said âno, you mean the World Cup, yes come and see our stadiumsâ but when I said it was the Olympic Games stadiums we had come to see he pretended he couldnât speak English and just shrugged his shoulders and said âno speaka da eenglish, you like girls? I get you girls no problemâ.â
The Olympic Committee is now sounding out London about possibly hosting the Olympics for a second time after the success of 2012 although the initial talks arenât going too well, conceded Coates. âI asked Boris Johnson about it and all he would say was; âwhat? Olympics? when did that happen? Do you like girls? I can get you girlsâ.â
Despite ânot actuallyâ auditioning for Episode VII, the MEP for South East England has taken pre-emptive steps to obviate any possibility of him starring in the latest Star Wars blockbuster.
Political commentators had assumed the latest film in the franchise would star Mr. Farage purely because âhe seemed to be appearing in everything else at the momentâ, but also because he had earlier declared to a packed pub that Mos Eisley had become inundated with immigrants, and was now little more than a âwretched hive of scum and villainyâ.
Mr, Farage is already on the record expressing his âconcernâ that humble Tatooine farmers were becoming disposed by Polish-speaking Sandmen and cheap Bulgarian Jawas. Despite evidence pointing towards Stormtrooper involvement, he is convinced the deaths of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were caused by cheap EU droid imports, with malfunctioning âmotivatorsâ.
Lucasfilm executives have indicated that âno formal approachâ had been made to Mr. Farage, but confirmed Ed Milliband would reprise his role as Jar Jar Binks. Meanwhile Mr. Farage says he will also not stand in Newark by-election despite Tory MP Patrick Mercer being barred from Parliament – having been caught during a Commons debate saying â…these arenât the questions youâre looking forâ. An assistant to Director JJ Abrams is quoted as saying: âWhile we donât know who Mr. Farage is, we do acknowledge he clearly lives in galaxy far far away.â
The Singapore government has announced plans to impose the death penalty for anyone caught using a sense of irony within its hallowed borders. Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong delivered a patriotic speech on national television in which the new measures were announced. One watching journalist commented âOh thatâs really going to work, that isâ, and was immediately led away by police.
Mr Loong pointed to a decline in national well being, mental health and respect for authority as a direct result of imported irony. âProtecting our citizens from moral decline and the evils of drug abuse has only dealt with part of a much larger problemâ. There will also be long prison sentences for âsatirical exaggeration or overstatementâ and âraising an eyebrow in a knowing way.â Later in the day the leader of the opposition appeared to go further, suggesting that anyone âsuspected of over-emphasizing one word to suggest that they didnât really mean what they were sayingâ, be publicly flogged and then chopped into small pieces, although it might be that he was simply satirizing the Prime Ministerâs firm stance, which of course would have made him eligible for execution himself.
Singapore has traditionally taken a firm stance on matters of law and order and respect for authority, but there are fears that they provoke international condemnation if they go ahead and execute people for being ironic in a public place. âI mean, durr! Like talk about making Genghis Khan seem liberalâ said one local who wished to remain anonymous. Plus there is the problem of the inadvertent ironies of life; âFor example, will you be prosecuted if you go to a singles night and get sat opposite your ex-wife?â asked one observer.
However the Prime Minister himself appears to be under pressure after allegations that he gave a little wink at the end of his Press Conference, suggesting that the whole announcement might be some sort of ironic wind up. âIt was not an ironic wink, he just had something in his eyeâ said a spokesman from his office. However Singapore police are now studying footage of the subtle wink, and may yet bring charges. Or maybe just pretend to arrest him and then say âHad you going there for a while.â
The droid, manufactured by Omni Consumer Products, was originally intended for law enforcement and is armed with three auto cannons, one auto shotgun and a rocket launcher.
âYes, technically it is a killer robot,â said DWP minister Esther McVey, âbut IDS-209 has been programmed to use its weapons in only the most extreme circumstances. So long as everyone complies with its requests there really shouldnât be any problems.â
In future, applicants will be expected to sit before the droid, who will scan their benefits claim. If IDS-209 is in any way dissatisfied with the application, it will make the request: âPlease withdraw your claim. You have 20 seconds to comply.â At this point, faced with an arsenal of lethal weaponry pointing directly at them, most claimants are expected to then drop their claim and go home.
However, critics of the scheme have pointed to early trials of the droid in which a number of applicants did as requested and withdrew their claims, but were then faced with the message: âYou have 10 seconds to complyâŠ,â then, âYou have 5 seconds to comply,â before IDS-209 opened fire and blew them out of the window.
âOf course these incidents are regrettable,â said Ms McVey, âbut if we ignore the human tragedy and look at it in purely monetary terms then this droid is already paying for itself.â
The droidâs designer, Dr McNamara has admitted that IDS-209 does have some limitations. âIt has weak logic circuits and it cannot process information very quickly,â he said. âAlso, it has no concept of compassion or human empathy, which is probably why it was awarded the contract in the first place.â
IDS-209 will be rolled out from next month and will also be making house calls. âIt still has trouble getting through doorways,â said Ms McVey, âso for the time being it will be entering peopleâs homes by smashing through the outside wall and conducting its assessments amid the rubble. Needless to say, if anyone tries to run away it only goes to show they are fit for work.â
Many tube commuters have admitted to unnecessarily increasing the length of their journeys to take advantage of the exquisitely intimate conditions caused by the strike on the London transport network over the past 24 hours.
Long queues formed on the platforms to participate in the hot, frenetic action every time the doors opened to admit revellers onto the trains or onto the alternate transport, openly referred to as ‘the Boris bendy bus’ after ‘he of eerie appetite’.
‘I am forever indebted to Bob Crowe for the most sexually gratifying experience I could get without risking a criminal charge,’ explained Paul, a startlingly unattractive individual from Salisbury and a Whitehall middle manager admitted, ‘Normally when I rub myself forcibly against junior staff at work, I run the risk of being accused of bullying or harassment,’ he explained. ‘Here though, itâs terrific as everyone just seems to get on with the fun.’
The strike has been welcomed ‘with open arms’ by, among others, psychologists, sex-therapists and S&M enthusiasts. Some admitted to being lured by the promise of ‘action’ from the ‘RMT Union’, which was widely misunderstood to be an unnatural but perversely exciting underground movement. But there are those who view the behaviour as âmisguidedâ. ‘Some of these people are looking for love in all the wrong places’, explained an Underground engineer. ‘The Northern Line can be a cruel mistress, even at the best of times’.
UKIP today announced plans to leave their current headquarters in Devon and move to a new, purpose-built head office in London. This proposal, originally scheduled for 2020, has been moved forward thanks to the thousands of bricks sent to their Freepost address during the European Election Campaign.
âIâm utterly delighted with the countryâs support for our idea,â UKIP Leader Nigel Farage said today. âThanks to their generous donations of bricks, we now have enough for a four-storey building on a brownfield site we have identified in Central London. Work will start as soon as we can persuade our members to have anything to do with something brown.â
Architectural plans for the building are unavailable at this time, but UKIP promise a design in keeping with their ethos and values. Mr. Farage was coy on the style of the building, but assured it would be memorable. âThis will be a return to the great days of British design, echoing immense citizens such as Brunel and Wren. Iâm also pleased to say it will be environmentally friendly â as along with bricks, we have also received enough excrement to coat the entire building in wattle and daub.â