Fake News

Sports News: No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

Onion - Wed, 10/21/2015 - 11:54am

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game. “If the ball comes to me, I don’t care where I am on the court or who’s around me—I’m either spiking it or bumping it really high into the air,” said sophomore Elliot Wahl, echoing the sentiments of every one of his classmates, none of whom had set a single ball for a teammate at any point during the 45-minute game. “I basically just want to be right at the net so I can jump up and smash it as hard as I can. That’s all I want to do right now.” At press time, teams had rotated positions for ...

Categories: Fake News

News: Government To Confiscate One Person’s Guns Just To Make Rest Of Them Squirm

Onion - Wed, 10/21/2015 - 9:16am

WASHINGTON—Saying they can’t wait to see the looks on the faces of the nation’s most avid gun enthusiasts, top government officials outlined their plan Wednesday to confiscate the legal firearms of one American citizen just to make the rest of them squirm.

In a massive, highly coordinated raid, 50 armed agents from the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives will reportedly storm the home of a randomly selected law-abiding gun owner in the dead of night and seize every weapon on the premises. According to sources, the surprise operation has been several months in the planning stages and is being conducted entirely for the sake of watching the individual gun owner—and subsequently, the nation’s gun-rights activists as a whole—completely freak out over it.

“We want to get these people as riled up as possible, so we’ll be going in big and ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Desperate Ohio Now Exploring Homeopathic Execution Methods

Onion - Wed, 10/21/2015 - 8:53am

COLUMBUS, OH—Facing a critical shortage of key lethal injection drugs with over 100 inmates currently waiting on the state’s death row, desperate Ohio officials announced Tuesday that they were now exploring homeopathic execution methods. “Supply restrictions prevent us from obtaining the thiopental sodium or pentobarbital used under our old system, but we’re confident that our new combination of noxious herbs and lethal dilutions will allow us to swiftly and humanely execute our worst offenders via natural means,” said Ohio prisons spokesperson Michael Ewert, adding that the state had consulted with a number of leading homeopaths, gurus, and yogis to ensure their new, holistic method of capital punishment would be effective for killing inmates in mind, body, and soul. “The linchpin of our new system is a potent three-herb cocktail of foxglove, wolfsbane, and deadly nightshade, which will shut down the inmate’s chakras one by one before ...

Categories: Fake News

National Police Chiefs Council demands the ‘right weapons’ to be truly racist

News Biscuit - Wed, 10/21/2015 - 6:00am

A spokesman for the NPCC explained: ‘If we are to successfully target ethnic minorities – we need to do more than just stop and search. Look at the success the US justice system has had in killing unarmed African-Americans. The sooner we can get something with more poke than a taser, the sooner we can really give in to our inner demons.’

Justice Secretary Michael Gove, at the recent Tory Conference, had spoken of public sector complacency in the UK lagging behind the US in racist profiling and assaults. However, the NPCC spokesman defended his position: ‘Those critics who had warned that the introduction of tasers would lead to the targeting of the disenfranchised have been proven wrong. If you are poor and white – we’re probably not going to bother you.’

The NPCC took pains to explain how officers were specifically trained in the use of tasers and on how to distinguish between different ‘shades of skin’. Meanwhile in separate news, hate crimes in England and Wales are up 18%. Although that does not include attacks by the police on the general public.

Categories: Fake News

Chinese nuclear reactor firm to build Trident replacement in ‘bonus’ deal

News Biscuit - Wed, 10/21/2015 - 3:00am

‘It makes absolute sense to capitalise on Chinese technical expertise and economic success – and for us to throw in a nuclear weapons contract to sweeten the nuclear reactor deal,’ George Osborne told the Institute of Directors.  ’That is why we have invited Chinese enterprises to build Britain’s new nuclear deterrent in Faslane.  ’This is a win win win outcome, the third win being how much this will annoy the Scots.’

Questioned on the security implications of the plan, Mr Osborne said: ‘The Chinese have made a solemn promise to hand over the passcodes for both the weapon system and the power plant, thereby making it impossible for them to destroy the UK in two mouse clicks.  It is our intention to change the passcodes to Michael Gove’s middle name, which is already an Official Secret after Mr Gove was on the receiving end of hurtful teasing.’

Mr Osborne continued ‘By allowing Chinese high tech firms to bid for the IT contract for GCHQ, we will build another layer of security. It is well known that Chinese expertise leads the world in cyber-conflict.  Their online defence systems, working in our interests, will make Britain impregnable, and bring billions of pounds worth of inward investment, as well as ensuring total security from potential enemies.  Frankly that threat is most likely from countries like China, whose political system and human rights record is so different from ours.  That is why it is imperative we do business with the Chinese, and why I am buoyed up by the potential opening of a branch of Paperchase at Shanghai Airport, subject to contract.’

Categories: Fake News

‘Realistic’ Farmville upgrade features battery hens pecking off their own flesh

News Biscuit - Wed, 10/21/2015 - 1:00am

Facebook users showed their disapproval after an upgrade to one of their most popular games, Farmville, prompted thousands of complaints that it has rendered the game much less enjoyable and in some cases unplayable.

Julie Evans, a mother of two young children is horrified at the new style of the game ‘my little ones are only five and seven and they used to love tending to their crops and buying a new tractor when they could afford it but since the caged hens add on where you have to shove as many chickens as you can into a confined space and watch them peck their own feet off they cry when they see an egg.’ She also complained about the upgraded dairy farm feature in which she hovered her cursor over one of the cows and got the option to inject it with antibiotics and hormones so she could milk it five times a day.

Other users have had different experiences with some logging in for the first time after the upgrade to find their fields decimated by protesters for using GM crops, while others have had to wait for hours for their farmer to return from protesting in London. One user has even complained that their farmer refuses to do anything for them and instead stands in the middle of the field shaking his fist and shouting ‘you city folk will never understand the hardships we go through.’

Despite the lukewarm response the Farmville development team are unrepentant insisting that once the players get used to the new format they will enjoy the realistic farmer experience and immerse themselves fully in the new expanded version.

‘I believe there’s something in the New Farmville for every age’ said lead developer Tim Jones; ‘It will give children a chance to see where their meals come from as they transport the livestock to the virtual slaughterhouse and with the new graphics engine blood will actually appear to splash up onto the screen as you slit their throats. Likewise for the older person we think they will appreciate the time we spent emulating the debt ridden farmer completely devoid of shame turning to alcoholism and cage fighting.’

When the farmer finally reaches the end of his tether players can unlock the option to have him smother his family and hang themselves in the barn. ‘We’re even working on a mini game based around this in the style of Pac-Man with the Farmer chasing his children through a cornfield with a pillow, it’s very addictive.’

the everlasting first

25th March 2010

Categories: Fake News

‘Sh@t’ still fails to make the list of new storms

News Biscuit - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 11:00pm

While the British public in their infinite wisdom have selected inspirational weather monikers such as Nigel and Steve, more appropriate storm names are going unrequited. Unimaginative responses to the Met Office appeal have meant that no whirlwinds are named after romance, no blasts are called after the past and not a single ‘bloviating windbags’ is named after Michael Gove.

It is hoped that naming storms will help raise awareness of how bland the British public are when it comes to meteorological christenings. Up until now only storms and Peers of the Realm are named when it deemed they will cause substantial damage to the UK’s infrastructure and reputation. With many of who still remember the ‘Great Jeffrey Archer’ of 1987.

To help, the Met Office has provided a handy guide to the list of new storm names-

Abigail: Floaty, causes light breeze all across the country; still able to enjoy a light Prosecco in the garden provided pashminas are worn.

Barney: Troublesome little blighter, surly, stubborn, liable to cause fight with insurance company over smallprint for roof damage claim.

Boris: Blustery, full of hot air; likely to destroy hairstyles in seconds

Clodagh: Blows over from the Irish sea, causes little gusts in London bars before heading back over the Atlantic to settle in New York

Eva: Sexy little minx. Liable to blow skirts up at short notice. Icy but controlled.

Gertrude: Ask your gran about the time she was stuck in the house with nothing but 6 candles and a saucer full of dripping for 10 days.

Henry: Affects South-East England only. Mild but liable to blow wildly whenever inheritance tax is mentioned. Closely followed by precipitation of schadenfreude in rest of country.

Jeremy: Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing

Jordan: Blown out of all proportion.

Lewinski: Just suck it up, will be soon forgotten.

Mary: Motherf***** of all storms. The real deal.

Nick: Wind occassionally blowing to left and then to the right, with no set direction, really. Threatens to be intense, but disappears immediately after landfall

Nigel: Dependably blustery and wet but with no real damage. May even helpfully blow off some leaves from the gutter your wife has been asking you to clear out for the past year.

Rhonda: Like the New York storms you saw in imported comedies from the 70s. Full on, but cosy.

Savile: Everything needs fixing after this one.

Thorgeson: So widespread that it can be seen on the Dark Side of the Moon.

Troopers: Causing major disruption as they sweep across the country

Wilbert: Ask your grandad.

Although the list is not exhaustive , the Met Office hopes to provide completed list by 2016 or whenever the public stop giving them flak.

The Writer’s Room

(Hat-tips to S J Roe, Bravenewmalden, Gary baldy, Idiot, Rogerg, Wrenfoe &  Sinnick)

Categories: Fake News

Onion Film Standard: The Onion Looks Back At ‘Back To The Future’

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 9:10pm

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at ‘Back To The Future’ in this week’s Film Standard.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Podcaster Makes Solemn Promise To Improve Sound Quality Next Episode

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 9:00pm

AUSTIN, TX—Apologizing profusely for the scratchy tone and uneven audio levels, local man Thomas Gebhard, host of the weekly podcast The Best Is History, solemnly vowed to his listeners Wednesday that the sound quality would be vastly improved for the next episode. “Before we get into anything today, I’d like to apologize to all of you about the audio quality—we had to switch microphones at the last minute, but I promise you everything will be fixed next week,” said Gebhard, assuring his audience that he was well aware of how profoundly poor sound could detract from an otherwise enjoyable history podcast. “Regular listeners will know that I make every effort to present a professional-quality production. Today I fell far, far short of that standard, and for that I am truly sorry.” Sources later confirmed that the sound remained subpar in the following episode and that a disconsolate ...

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Oprah Winfrey Buys Stake In Weight Watchers

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 9:00pm

Despite the company’s lagging membership in recent years, shares of Weight Watchers stock are up 117 percent since Oprah Winfrey announced in a statement this week that she has purchased a stake in the company. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Man gains beach body only THREE WEEKS after wife’s labour – we reveal his secret

News Biscuit - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 2:55pm

Yesterday Dave Jones (21), from Staines, wowed holidaymakers with his amazingly toned abs – showing few signs of the arduous delivery his wife had recently been through. Breaking away from his new parenting duties, he frolicked in the waves, seemingly without a care in the world. He even managed to enjoy a ‘light’ lunch of lager and pizza as he recharged on the well-earned break in Dubai.

In patterned board shorts and trendy espadrilles, Mr. Jones drew admiring glances. Friends accompanying him confirmed that his wife had been through 24 hours of a difficult birth, yet Mr. Jones seemed ‘relaxed’ – displaying very little wear and tear. While his Twitter feed offered a plethora of sun-tanned poses for his wife at home: ‘This one’s for my rock,’ gushed one tag.

Some had expressed concern that his wife had not accompanied Mr. Jones during this tough time; but Dave remained unconcerned: ‘It’s important she knows that I’ll manage’, he said. ‘I want her to have the time and space to bond; and if a week in the sun with my mates is the price I have to pay, so be it’.

Mr. Jones was said to be even considering extending his stay, as his parental leave from work was generous: ‘It’s great to have the chance for a extra few days off – I think its important not to try and go back to soon’.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Defunded Planned Parenthood Reassures Supporters It Has Enough Fetus Cash To Keep Going

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 12:30pm

WASHINGTON—Following the announcement by Texas state officials to cut Medicaid funding for the nonprofit organization, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards assured supporters Tuesday that it has plenty of fetus cash to keep going for a while. “While the decision by Texas to eliminate taxpayer funding for Planned Parenthood is unfortunate, I want everyone to know that we have an ample supply of sweet baby-organ cabbage to continue providing our services,” said Richards, adding that the reproductive and maternal health organization had enough fetal-tissue scratch to keep the doors open for the foreseeable future. “Lawmakers remain determined to deny reproductive health care to women in need, and if not for our golden baby-parts goose, they well may have succeeded. But rest assured that with our mad stacks of aborted-fetus bucks, the future of Planned Parenthood is as secure as ever.” Richards added that even as she was speaking, Planned Parenthood ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Huckabee Forced To Attend Fundraiser With Head Stuck In Molasses Crock

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 12:14pm

ATLANTA—Struggling in vain to free himself from the sticky vessel, GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was reportedly forced to attend a campaign fundraiser Tuesday with his head stuck firmly inside a crock of molasses. “I’d love to tell y’all ’bout how Obama’s done let the Arabs run buck-wild ’round the Middle East, but I seem to have got myself into a whole hog’s heap of trouble here,” said Huckabee, his remarks to donors muffled by the ceramic container that slowly trickled dark brown liquid over his neck and shoulders. “It’s past time we had a president who could tell the difference ’tween a tater and a tax plan, and if I weren’t stickier than a possum in pine tar, I’d be fixin’ to shake y’all’s hands for tossin’ a whole mess of money my way.” At press time, sources confirmed ...

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Oscar Pistorius Released From Prison

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 10:29am

After completing one year of his five-year sentence for the manslaughter of girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius has been released from jail to serve the remainder of his sentence under house arrest at his uncle’s mansion. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Commentary: I Want My Children To Have A Better Nightlife Than I Had

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 10:09am

Like most parents, I spend a lot of time thinking about the future my children will inherit and the exciting possibilities that await them. I would love for them to have the chance to achieve their dreams, to be able to go places I’ve never been to and do things I’ve never done. What matters to me most in the world, I’ve come to realize, is that my kids grow up to have a better nightlife than I had.

Nothing would make me happier than if my children were better off than I was, with so many more opportunities to hit the hottest clubs, exclusive foam parties, and underground techno DJ duels.

When I envision what’s ahead for my kids, I see a much brighter future. I see opportunity, prosperity, clubs with three levels of dance floors and a fucking killer mix of dubstep, industrial, and ...

Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Steve Bartman: ‘You Must Kill Me To Break The Cubs’ Curse’

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 9:08am

CHICAGO—Claiming that he alone represents the key to the team finally winning a championship, infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman announced Thursday that he must be killed in order to break the organization’s World Series curse. “I am writing today to inform you all that, in order to end this 106-year-long title drought, you must find me, and you must kill me,” read the statement released by Bartman’s lawyer, which went on to say that as long as he lives and breathes, “so too does the Cubs’ curse go on.” “I must be killed by a dagger, clutched in the hand of a true Cubs fan, plunged directly into my heart, and only then can the Cubs win a World Series title. Be warned: Should I be killed by any other means, the curse will last for another 100 years. I will be here waiting for you ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 8:34am

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday. “Prior to joining the board, Horvath spent 19 years in corporate strategy and equity analysis with Hudson-Palmer Advisors and 11 years as an independent asset management consultant,” read the second-to-last sentence of the 450-word bio, which up until the final nine words had given no indication that Horvath had anything in his life other than his lengthy career in the financial sector. “He lives with his wife, Cheryl, and two daughters.” According to sources, a small number of other bios humanized their subjects even further, briefly mentioning their fondness for sailing or the arts.

Categories: Fake News

News: MPAA Adds New Rating To Warn Audiences Of Films Not Based On Existing Works

Onion - Tue, 10/20/2015 - 6:12am

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide moviegoers with the information they need to determine which films are appropriate for them to see, the Motion Picture Association of America announced Tuesday the addition of a new rating to alert audiences of movies that are not based on existing works.

According to MPAA officials, the new “O,” or “Original,” designation will inform viewers that a particular film contains characters with whom they are unfamiliar, previously unseen settings, and novel plots. The rating will also reportedly serve as a warning of the potentially disorienting effects associated with having to remember characters’ names for as many as two hours and the discomfort that can occur when one is forced to keep track of narrative arcs for an entire film.

“It’s simply a value-neutral designation intended to protect consumers, ensuring that they are fully informed about a movie and are able to make their ...

Categories: Fake News
Syndicate content