It has emerged that Islamic State fighters have resorted to making disparaging comments about the United States heavy Ryder Cup defeat this weekend. The messages written in the sand are said to be clearly visible on satellite images and include taunts such as â€˜I hope your bombing is more accurate than your putting, LOLâ€™; â€˜â€™16 Â½ – 11 Â½ ROLF!â€™; and â€˜Bubba Watson couldnâ€™t hit a cowâ€™s arse with a banjoâ€™.
US military strategist Colonel Chuck Hansen believes that these new tactics show how successful the US bombing campaign has been â€˜these cheap shots just prove how desperate they are. Theyâ€™re running scared, we think that many of their fighters have gone to ground are probably hiding in bunkers. But weâ€™ll get them, weâ€™ve drafted in our Ryder Cup team to help, they seem to be experts at finding bunkers.â€™
Residents at a street in Birmingham were â€˜slightly surprisedâ€™ to find that the Council had ordered an RAF airstrike to deal with a â€˜modestâ€™ pest problem.
‘We thought theyâ€™d send a man round, but apparently they were worried that he might be taken hostage by the fleas, so instead a squadron of RAF Tornados strafed the house and then dropped bombs on itâ€™, said homeowner Arthur Cummings. ‘The devastation was terrible, and as far as I can see the fleas are still there. If anything, they seem to like rubble even better.’
A government spokesman defended the practice of bombing the bejabers out of places where bad creatures are believed to be living, saying that these were â€˜surgical strikesâ€™ involving bombs which had been designed â€˜not to kill children or other innocent peopleâ€™. The spokesman was unable to explain how a bomb would differentiate between guilt and innocence, but mumbled something about electronics.
According to pest control experts, the next step will be to acknowledge that the initial airstrikes failed to kill the fleas, followed by further airstrikes ‘to demoralise the fleas’. The established protocol is then to send insufficient officers initially so that the problem grows worse, before eventually flattening the entire territory and leaving it a smoking wasteland where the next species of pest can evolve.
The International Rugby Board has finally bowed to pressure and agreed to lift the policy which has sought to bar openly-heterosexual players from the game. Until this week the sportâ€™s governing body had embraced a â€˜donâ€™t ask, donâ€™t tellâ€™ policy on the grounds that a propensity to engage in sexual acts with members of the opposite sex would undermine the gameâ€™s reputation and be detrimental to the morale of the homosexual majority.
â€˜Although â€˜donâ€™t ask, donâ€™t tellâ€™ had served to conceal the sexuality of those few straight men and women who chose to spend their time groping, hugging and wrestling others of the same sex, we know accept that it was morally wrong,â€™ said Bernard Lapasset, chairman of the IRB. â€˜It has long been recognised in law that discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is wrong, so itâ€™s about time the sport of rugby accepted that if you are a man who wants to play with odd-shaped balls and then go home to engage in sexual relations with a woman, that is entirely your own business.â€™
The controversial policy had long been opposed by equalities groups after a succession of closet heterosexuals were forced to hang up their boots after being ‘outed’ by their homosexual teammates. Other straight players have been persecuted, many for what their teammates described as â€˜sloppy personal hygieneâ€™ after choosing to nip off straight after a game and shower at home.
â€˜I always knew I was different to the other lads,â€™ said one anonymous Welsh player today. â€˜Some of the team used to tease me because I didnâ€™t seem to enjoy it enough when I had my head between another manâ€™s legs in the scrum. But I love the sport and wanted to represent my country. It always felt unfair that I couldnâ€™t do that just because I liked a bit of fanny.â€™
But now even hardline gays seem to have accepted the change in policy. â€˜I suppose itâ€™s not the end of the world if these straight fellas want to play the game,â€™ said one. â€˜Just donâ€™t go rubbing our faces in it by bringing their girlfriends to the games. No one wants to see some dirty WAGs among the HABs.â€™
24th September 2011
Hot on the heels of surprise new albums from U2 and Beyonce, the music world has again been rocked by news that Radiohead had released their tenth album online three weeks ago. Postmortemism came out to coincide with the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 and was deleted the following day, before anyone could become aware of its existence.
Lead singer Thom Yorke explained that the band were sick of â€˜prostituting themselvesâ€™ by bothering to tell people when they issued new music. Instead, the band flagged up the albumâ€™s release by posting a series of cryptic five second animations on their website of aardvarks flossing their teeth.
A luxury CD edition in a hand-chiselled sustainable-walnut digipack was also released, but was pulped after failing to sell a single copy. Both were available via a special Postmortemism web page â€˜somewhere on the internetâ€™ for a full five or six hours, before the band â€˜gave up hope of ever selling a copyâ€™ and pulled the project.
NME has hailed the release as â€˜probably a return to formâ€™, going on to praise the â€˜plethora of esoteric musical and socio-political influences that are almost undoubtedly on display.â€™
The band say they had no plans to tour the album, having already played a series of â€˜low keyâ€™ dates in abandoned warehouses, farm buildings and disused Cornish tin mines. The tour was aborted after four dates when a passing janitor accidentally wandered into one show and witnessed a full thirty seconds of the groupâ€™s performance. The band immediately declared the performance â€˜artistically null and voidâ€™ by the presence of an audience member and walked off stage.
Maths professor Alan Daley has worked out the true cause of crop circles after his son started attending a minor public school in Kent and he began to delve into the complex maths of how public schools structure their fees.
‘I was able to link the apparently standard pricing of tuck shop credits, which involves both i and j polar coordinates raised to negative powers, to a frequently repeating pattern the world over. That became my Rosetta Stone as I compared the variances in pricing structures across Public Schools the length and breadth of the country and finally discovered Eton was a complete match.â€™
Most crop circles are messages regarding ongoing funding, though some are clearly personal like one from around 1986 that translated to â€˜Boris, stop acting like a twatâ€™. Having fully researched Eton alumnae, Daley has concluded that the Earth’s gravitational force is larger than the aliens can cope with, rendering them incapable of manual work, and that the constantly fluctuating magnetic flux disrupts their thought processes. Consequently many drift into politics instead.
â€˜The new iPhone 5S isn’t just the greatest smartphone of all time. It’s also your ticket to get first in line for the new iPhone 6,â€™ said store manager Damian Walsh, ushering new owners of the Â£549 gadget to the start of a five-mile obstacle course of tensile barriers on a circuitous route back to the front of the store, which will be their home for the next year.
â€˜Sure, the queue has no food, shelter, or toilet facilities,â€™ Walsh admitted. â€˜But did Steve Jobs stop to worry about those things when he was creating the legend that is Apple? No, and neither should our fans.â€™
Clutching his still-boxed iPhone5S, which cost him half of his monthâ€™s salary, Apple devotee Craig Flack commented: â€˜Wow! I spent four days queuing in the pouring rain to get my hands on the iPhone5S, but I never dreamed that I’d get the added bonus of being one of the first to queue up to purchase the iPhone 6! Come to think of it, Iâ€™m a little embarrassed to be seen with this now outdated model.â€™
Flack was later seen holding his head in his hands and tossing an unopened white package into a nearby bin, before hurrying off to join the rapidly growing queue, which industry analysts believe will remain in situ for at least the next year while Apple design and manufacture the device.
Asked what he thought about customers who declined the offer to queue up immediately after their purchase for the sixth edition of the iPhone, Walsh commented: â€˜Whatever. They’ll be sorry in two months’ time when the screen on their iPhone5S has cracked, their apps are no longer supported and the battery life has reduced to half an hour. Then we’ll see how cool they look with their so called ‘smartphones’. Dickheads.â€™
Animal rights activists have reacted in horror after the exponential rise in meerkat numbers throughout Europe forced Russian authorities to introduce a genetically modified strain of the myxomatosis virus into the village of Meerkovo. Meerkat numbers have grown massively in the last couple of years, from a solitary â€˜uber-meerkatâ€™ to a â€˜plague of Biblical proportionsâ€™, according to Yuri Rochenko, head of the Moscow State Pest Control Authority.
â€˜What started off as one meerkat on a TV advert has rapidly increased to a whole village full of them and they’re now spreading to other European countries, infiltrating nation states by being boxed up and sold with insurance policies. There is an urgent need to keep these vermin down in a humane way that does not invalidate our no-claims bonuses.â€™
The ramifications of the myxomatosis outbreak are already affecting the marketing industry, with the makers of insurance commercials hastily rewriting their scripts. â€˜Have you any idea how the 9 pm watershed restricts sales?â€™ complained one advertising executive. â€˜Our latest campaign was due to feature a Slavic meerkat handing out cuddly toys to bemused members of the insurance-buying public, but we’ve now had to change that to footage of a near-blind Aleksandr Orlov crawling along the ground before being shot by a farmer to put him out of his misery.â€™
Critics have blasted the introduction of myxomatosis into the Russian meerkat population as â€˜barbaricâ€™. One activist said: â€˜We are still seeing the fallout from the original introduction of myxomatosis in Australia in the 1950s, so the fact that they have gone ahead and repeated that tactic is reckless in the extreme. Plus my car insurance is due for renewal and my grandsonâ€™s birthday is coming up. Do these people have any feelings?â€™
As international criticism mounts and negotiations begin to send an emergency RSPCA rescue mission to save the listless, shivering and starved citizens of Meerkovo, the Russian government has defended its actions.
â€˜Would you rather we roam the streets, blasting away with rifles? This is a delicate operation, not a British badger cull!â€™ said Vladimir Putin, who has personally taken charge of the project. â€˜We have carried out painstaking research to find the most painless way possible to eliminate these creatures â€“ at one point we nearly crashed the servers of comparethebiologicalweaponry.com. Simples.â€™
Born of an unholy alliance between Vertically Challenged Giant and jp1885
BBC executives have discovered that there is a direct correlation between hemline and the groping machinations of their former employee. In fact, scientists are convinced that the infamous Unwelcome DLT Syndrome is also caused by chest size, gender and being in the vicinity of a hairy octopus.
Women have been warned that shortening skirts or simply turning up to work can provoke an assault by BBC stars. An attack of the DLTs can come at any time, so women are being advised to stay locked in a darkened room, avoiding a career in the media.
A CPS spokeswoman said: â€˜The DLT is a deeply invasive experience. Obviously men never get this and dressing like hirsute freak with a pituitary gland disorder might have something to do with it. My advice to women, to avoid unwelcome sexual attention from a Radio 1 DJ, is to dress like a Radio 1 DJâ€™.
The silky consulting skills of the normally unflappable Dr Christian Jessen were tested to their fullest today as his mother surprised him by guesting on his no-holds-barred medical show, Embarrassing Bodies. Usually a showcase for fame-hungry hotties with non-industry-standard erogenous zones, the Channel 4 show does occasionally feature older people whose intimate areas, be it from atrophy or wear and tear, have gone off.
â€˜I didnâ€™t want to bother him at home,â€™ explained Mrs Maud Jessen (70), afterwards, â€˜so when his award-winning telly clinic roared into my home town I thought â€“ why not?â€™
But Mrs Jessen didnâ€™t get quite the warm reception sheâ€™d anticipated. â€˜Heâ€™s usually such a polite lad, but I was surprised by his consulting style. Maybe it was all the cameras, but he just clammed up and looked very strange as soon as I started explaining about my thick smelly discharge.â€™
Mrs Jessen went on: â€˜It took him such a long time to croak out his reassuring catchphrase â€˜Letâ€™s take a look, then, shall we?â€™ So I said â€˜Are you all right dear?â€™ as I took my slacks and knickers off, hopped on the couch and pulled my knees up. I said to him, I said, â€˜It used to be me looking down at you like this, didnâ€™t it!â€™ I think he wanted to laugh but he had to be professional with all the cameras there. But he did suddenly dash out of the room for a moment, probably to have a good chuckle.â€™
Probed for more detail, Mrs Jessen revealed: â€˜I felt heâ€™d need to know whether the thick smelly discharge was affecting my, you know, relations with his dad and it was nice to be able to reassure Christian that everything was wonderful in that department. In fact, as I explained, itâ€™s a jolly good scratch right now. Well, by this time Christian had flattened himself against the wall and seemed to be struggling for air.â€™
Mrs Jessen was unsure whether she would consult her son again. â€˜His manner wasnâ€™t the best, if Iâ€™m honest. I mean, instead of showing me out like a proper doctor, he ran off down the corridor screaming â€˜Doctor Pixie! Doctor Pixie! Oh, sweet Lord, where ARE you Doctor Pixie?â€™ Honestly. I know heâ€™s a bit, you know, special, but I didnâ€™t realise he was away with the fairies.â€™
In a move welcomed by office workers everywhere, the Oxford English Dictionary has today granted full ironic status to the expression â€˜working from homeâ€™. This status will initially apply to Fridays only, but depending on its success may in due course be rolled out across the entire working week.
Before this ground-breaking move, the traditional excuse given for a managerâ€™s absence from the office on a Friday was required to be accompanied by a wiggling of the index and middle fingers of both hands, a raising of the eyebrows and an exaggerated pout. When used on the phone, the expression had to be said in a slow, emphasised way, preferably with a small pause beforehand and a clearing of the throat afterwards.
â€˜Itâ€™s one of those difficult expressions that goes beyond mere euphemism,â€™ explained lexicographer Sadie Forbes. â€˜Originally it was almost always meant literally, with managers saving up routine work for the end of the week and perhaps taking advantage of not having to commute to make an early weekend getaway.â€™
â€˜It was only when people noticed that emails from home-workers were almost invariably terse and sent from mobile devices, and all their phone calls were accompanied by background noises of shopping or dog-walking, that the ironic use gained the upper hand.â€™
The only downside of full ironic status is that an adverb such as â€˜genuinelyâ€™ or â€˜actuallyâ€™ will need to be used for a small number of people who really do get out of bed and down to work. People who habitually work from home, such as â€˜writersâ€™ and â€˜consultantsâ€™, are not expected to be bothered by the new distinction, many of whom have long lunchtime â€˜meetingsâ€™ away from home on Fridays anyway.
The expression is soon expected to join â€˜spending more time with my familyâ€™ and â€˜musical differencesâ€™ in losing its literal meaning completely. The OED added that it is prepared for its website to crash when the news is formally announced under the weight of complaints from people â€˜working from homeâ€™ who are â€˜actuallyâ€™ just dicking about on the Internet.