Fake News

Ministers ‘forgot’ to tackle dementia

News Biscuit - Sat, 03/12/2016 - 5:00am

The government has announced new measures to help dementia sufferers that it ‘intended to introduce this last year, sorry it slipped our minds’. The new measures aim at testing for mental deterioration at age 40 instead of waiting until the Chancellor is voted out of his constituency.

‘We intend to introduce ‘memory lanes’, old style streets with shops stocking next to nothing worth having, lots of low paid workers and a general air of dissatisfaction among residents,’ said a Treasury spokesman introducing the latest raft of austerity measures.

‘Hopefully it will make those with memory loss remember the important things in life, such as not complaining about a coalition when the alternative is Cameron, Osborne and Boris,’ said a dementia expert who admitted being envious of his patients. ‘At least they still think we have a government that gives a shit,’ he said.

Categories: Fake News

Einsatzgruppen to run UK job centres

News Biscuit - Sat, 03/12/2016 - 5:00am

In a bold move aimed at tackling worklessness and disability, the Einsatzgruppen are to take over from job centre staff at the Department of Work & Pensions. They will also run spot checks on the disabled.

‘This new approach to benefits claimants has great potential,’ said DWP Minister Iain Duncan Death. ‘When I first said that anyone not applying for 500 jobs a week, wasn’t trying and deserved to die, some people were shocked – but look at the results: the claimant count is the lowest it has ever been.’

Successful pilot schemes have shown that deployment of Einsatzgruppen reduces the numbers of claimants to zero and deters most potential claimants from trying it on in the first place. ‘Of course you still get a few insisting they’ve paid National Insurance for years and bleating on about entitlement, but we can soon liquidate those naive fools. The fact is, death works,’ he beamed.


Candide

Categories: Fake News

Middle class parents turn to plastic surgery to sharpen elbows

News Biscuit - Sat, 03/12/2016 - 3:00am

Evidence is mounting to suggest that middle class parents have found a new way to help their children get ahead in an increasingly competitive world. With much made of the need for ‘sharp elbows’ to improve life chances for their children in terms of school selection and internships, parents with naturally blunt elbows are turning to plastic surgeons to give themselves a competitive advantage.

‘We were prepared to spend whatever it took to get little Tarquin into a grammar school, but we were perpetually thwarted by the fact that he’s thick,’ said Marion Greenthwaite, 36, from Kent. ‘Even poor children who smelled a bit got in before him, which was an embarrassment in front of the neighbours. But since I’ve had my elbows sharpened, you just give them a quick shove in the ribs on open day and they go down in a trice.’

A spokesman for the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (BAAPS) confirmed that the number of pointy elbows procedures has increased by over 75% in the last two years. ‘I blame food banks. Middle class people thought the poor were getting something that they weren’t,’ he said. ‘Do you mind the acronym, by the way? We were doing a lot of breast implants in the old days, so it was quite funny at the time.’

Campaigners have claimed that elbow-sharpening procedures are unregulated and unsafe, adding that drug dealers and street gangs are increasingly using sharp elbows as concealed weapons. When George Osborne was asked if he was worried about this all leading to greater inequality, he smiled slightly and made no comment.

Labour has found itself split on the issue, with the left of the party arguing that all elbows should be removed at birth to counter the potential evils of entrenched pointiness, while Blairites have argued that pointy elbows should be available on the NHS. Asked how the poor would pay for this, a party spokesman said: ‘They’ll have to pay for it themselves. And if they haven’t got any money, they should jolly well get some’.

Andyiong

Categories: Fake News
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