Fake News

Swimming pools to introduce ‘hairy fatty back bits’ lanes

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 4:45pm

Walthamstow public swimming pool is to pilot new ‘smooth’ and ‘hairy’ shoulder lanes in a scheme due for nationwide rollout by 2015.

The new system was introduced after it was noticed that an effective swimming workout was being undermined for many by the fear of ingesting curly hair floating on the surface during their regular workouts.

‘It’s very easy for the hirsute swimmer to ignore the issue completely and carry regardless,’ a lifeguard shrugged. ‘They see nothing of the devastation they cause to those behind them; the gagging fits, the abandonment of the pursuit of personal best times for swimming a length or two. This is long overdue if you ask me. It really does slow people down, but we welcome this new rule; before it we would only be allowed to intervene over the speed thing if we saw someone engaging in other unsafe or distracting practices, like heavy petting, or torpedoing old ladies.’

Melanie Shafte, an HR worker who supplements her income by wringing chicken necks for a halal supermarket, admitted; ‘If sputtering hefty men shedding swatches of body hair wouldn’t let me past I’d take a deep breath and switch from breast stroke to crawl so I can ‘accidentally’ slap the soles of their feet to show my disgust, then head for the safety of the steps. Unfortunately they all seemed to take that as a come-on, so thank Goodness the people who run the pool have finally seen sense.’

Many regulars at Walthamstow have welcomed what has become known as the ‘Seamonsters’ ruling, including several hairy middle-aged men tired of ‘that look’ from females and juveniles. But there are also concerns that hygiene rules should be stricter too.

Apparently, bored teenagers have been abusing the knowledge that urine turns blue in chlorine, and daring one another to ‘draw chemtrails’ in the water. The pool’s management has now empowered lifeguards to issue blue ‘I done a wee’ rubber bands that must be worn prominently for the remainder of their session, with a ‘two stripes and you’re out’ rule.

Curtis Price, attending the local sixth form and looking forward to a promising career in fast food, weighed up the situation and decided that he would rather wear a blue arm-band than pubes on his shoulders. ‘Who knows what the future holds, though,’ he admitted, worried.

Categories: Fake News

Report: John Calipari Offered Cavaliers $20 Million To Leave Him Alone

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 4:05pm
Report: John Calipari Offered Cavaliers $20 Million To Leave Him Alone

Categories: Fake News

Increasingly Anxious Man Worried Order Confirmation Email Never Going To Come

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 2:00pm
AUGUSTA, ME—Nervously refreshing his inbox every five to 10 seconds, local man Gabe Hines was rapidly losing hope that his confirmation email from an online retailer would ever arrive, sources confirmed Monday.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 2:00pm
Pop star Justin Bieber was baptized in a friend’s bathtub this weekend after weeks of Bible study and church services, with celebrity blogs reporting that the 20-year-old sought spiritual guidance in an attempt to wash away his sins following a scan...

Categories: Fake News

New Study Finds People Who Sit For At Least 5 Hours Each Day Are Comfier

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 2:00pm
BATON ROUGE, LA—A study released Monday by physicians at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center has concluded that people who spend five or more hours per day sitting are significantly more likely to be comfy than those who do not.

Categories: Fake News

States Now Offering Millions In Tax Breaks To Any Person Who Says ‘High-Tech Jobs’

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 1:00pm
ST. PAUL, MN—In an effort to spur their local economies, many state governments are now offering tens of millions of dollars in tax breaks to any person who simply says the words “high-tech jobs,” according to a survey by the Pew Researc...

Categories: Fake News

Onion Poll: Should The Drinking Age Be Lowered To 18?

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 10:10am
The Onion – America's Finest News Source

Categories: Fake News

Editorial Cartoon: Va Va Vroom

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 10:00am
Va Va Vroom

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New Charter School Lottery System Gives Each Applicant White Pill, Enrolls Whoever Left Standing

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 9:50am
NEW YORK—Introducing key changes to the lottery system that governs the admissions process, the New York City Charter School Center notified potential students this week that openings will now be filled by randomly distributing white pills to applic...

Categories: Fake News

Karate Studio Hoping To Get Local Phone Number That Spells Out Word ‘Kick’ Or ‘Chop’

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 9:25am
Karate Studio Hoping To Get Local Phone Number That Spells Out Word ‘Kick’ Or ‘Chop’

Categories: Fake News

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 9, 2014

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 8:45am
The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 9, 2014

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Report: More Couples Getting Social Media Prenups

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 8:35am
According to a report by ABC News, more couples are opting to include social media clauses in their prenuptial agreements dictating what their spouses can and can’t post online, with some couples including fines as steep as $50,000 for posting an un...

Categories: Fake News

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

Onion - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 8:00am
BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Categories: Fake News

Cameron acts swiftly to deal with controversial ‘anti-homeless spikes’

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 7:35am

A crack squad of Indian fakirs have been flown in to the UK to teach the homeless how to have a good night’s sleep on the 2-inch-long metal spikes which have sprung up all over the UK’s capital to deter rough sleeping in doorways.

“I read with horror of these ghastly spikes and decided to get to grips with the root of the homelessness problem immediately,” said Prime Minister David Cameron, who announced his ‘practical compassion’ initiative after calling an emergency meeting of COBRA.

“With the help of Swami Yogesh and his elite fakirs, homeless people will now be able to continue to enjoy a good night’s ‘kip’, tucked up in stinking sleeping bags and sodden cardboard, whilst drunken yobs urinate on them from a great height. This is another example of the Coalition looking after the poor with compassion and dignity.”

Speaking through interpreters at the launch of the initiative, Swami Yogesh said he was impressed by how quickly rough sleepers in London were adapting to the spikes using fakir techniques. “They’re naturals. We fakirs don’t eat or wash for years on end either. The only difference is, we choose to do it.”

Categories: Fake News

Touré threatens to pull out of World Cup

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 4:30am

Ivory Coast midfielder YaYa Touré has threatened to pull out of their World Cup opener against Japan after team officials failed to put a chocolate on the pillow in his hotel room.

The Ivorian Football Federation insisted the turn-down service offered by the hotel did not include pillow chocolates and that it was the same for all the players, but agent Dmitry Seluk said the omission showed a complete lack of respect for his client who was now considering his options. ‘The snub has hurt YaYa, it shows the Ivorian officials don’t care about him,’ he warned. ‘The lack of individually wrapped confectionery on his feather-filled head support has thrown his World Cup into turmoil. He hasn’t ruled out moving on and playing for another country.’

Despite another recent spat where Touré felt the Ivorian FF did not respect his ability as a footballer ‘because he was African’ having only just been resolved, tensions between the parties remains high.

The Russian-born agent insisted the player’s issues were not about securing an increase in World Cup match fees. ‘It’s not about the money…it’s about the chocolate. Do you people never learn? OK, forget about the chocolate but let’s get one thing clear, there will be someone to tuck him in at night….right?’

Categories: Fake News

Belgium dead; lay undiscovered for two weeks

News Biscuit - Mon, 06/09/2014 - 2:00am

The UN today officially announced that Belgium has died. The discovery was made when Germany called round one afternoon to investigate an unpleasant smell drifting across the border and found the curtains still drawn.

The UN did acknowledge that Belgium hadn’t shown up at meetings for a fortnight but claimed that nobody really noticed. ‘They didn’t really say too much when they were here, didn’t really have many friends or enemies and they never socialised either. However, Austria did mention that stocks of hand-made chocolates and Stella Artois had dropped a bit which should have been a warning sign.’

Next-door Neighbours France commented; ‘Belgium kept themselves pretty much to themselves really, didn’t come and go too much, fairly quiet type.’ Britain did confess to noticing the mail piling up a bit at Zeebrugge and that the milk lake was fuller than one would expect but added that ‘you know, one doesn’t like to be too nosey.’

The UN also called on all countries to check on their neighbours regularly as unreported death can be a common problem. Holland said ‘I think that we all feel guilty about it, you could always do a bit more for neighbours, but one gets so involved with one’s own lives that it’s easy to ignore the needs of others. We, for one, are going to give Luxembourg a visit pretty regularly from now on. Has anyone spoken to Switzerland recently?’

The European country that will be remembered for many memorable things any day now, will be laid to rest next week. The last will and testament will be read next month and is expected to be uncontested with the Flemish region going to The Netherlands and the Walloon region being given to France. The only contentious issue concerns the Port of Ostend with Germany claiming it was promised the busy shipping port by Belgium some time ago. ‘We could send troops in’ said Berlin, ‘but it ended up causing all kinds of fuss last time.’

Categories: Fake News

Egypt swears in new Pharaoh

News Biscuit - Sun, 06/08/2014 - 3:55pm

Abdul Fattah al-Sisi, or al-Sisi the first, as he has become popularly known, has been inaugurated as Pharaoh of Egypt for the next 4,000 years.

The former military chief comes to power at a time of uncertainty in Egyptian politics following two military coups, after which it was decided that a return to the dynastic system offered the only viable form of government for the forthcoming centuries, with elections to be held every epoch and results subject to loose interpretation under the divine right of kings.

Al-Sisi, or ‘Eternal Monarch and Spiritual Intermediary to the Gods of Fire, Music and Horses’, was elected on a platform of more pyramids, a return an agrarian bartering system, the merciless crushing of his enemies, and being the son of Ra.

It is thought the government will also introduce hieroglyphics as the country’s official language, a massive increase in current sphinx production, and a strict crackdown on those not walking in a ‘two-dimensional manner’.

Elections were held two weeks ago, commencing with the live burial of the former government, their advisers and the entire Muslim Brotherhood in a special pyramid built for the occasion. During the election period, Egypt was governed by an interim Pharaoh, who also happened to be General Abdul Fattah Al-Sisi. Or was it Mubarak the Great? Nobody really seems to know.

Categories: Fake News

IDS stays in bed with curtains closed, neighbours say

News Biscuit - Sun, 06/08/2014 - 4:00am

Neighbours have claimed that Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith is still in bed with the curtains closed when they return from work at the end of the day. ‘It’s since he made a balls of Universal Credits,’ said one. ‘It’s the only proper job he’s had and he knows nobody will employ him in future.’

Although Mr Duncan Smith has been attending Job Centres for years, he has failed to find gainful employment. Many argue that the years he has spent ‘messing about with benefits’ have cost hardworking families millions of pounds and that the DWP benefit fraud squad should be on his case. However, it is predicted that IDS will be unemployed in May of next year and will be banished to Easterhouse.

Categories: Fake News

Middle England football team launched

News Biscuit - Sun, 06/08/2014 - 2:00am

A new national football team is being launched to reflect the values and aspirations of the silent majority who feel unrepresented by the political correctness and multi-culturalism of the current national set up.

The ‘Middle England’ side has been established following the disappointment of the Euro 2008 qualifying campaign when none of the Home Nations made it through to the finals; ‘a result of years of fashionable metropolitans knocking Britain and endless nanny state intervention promoting non-competitive sport’.

The team which was put together following a debate in the pages of the Daily Mail and phone-in programmes on BBC local radio is an all-white, all middle-class team drawn from the Home Counties. Although they have yet to reach the levels of fitness and experience expected from top international footballers, they hope to make up for it with their sense of fair play and sportsmanship.

Middle England supporters have been watching them train through their net curtains although the first session was cut short as it clashed with the Archers Omnibus. Fouls and sendings off were reported in the local Neighbourhood Watch Newsletter and half time team talk was a very interesting lecture from a local W.I. volunteer on how to make jam.

‘I know you’re not allowed to say this anymore’ said acting manager Robert Kilroy-Silk ‘but when England won the world cup in 1940 we didn’t have to have a so-called ethnic quota foisted on us by Brussels bureaucrats. Bobby Moore was a proper Englishman if you know what I mean, like Alan Ball and George Cohen. Actually, I’m not sure about that last one…’

Middle England’s first scheduled game was a grudge match against traditional rivals the ‘Liberal Elite’. Unfortunately the debut home fixture was cancelled as the pitch was covered in signs saying ‘Keep Off the Grass’.

Categories: Fake News

Britain unsure if it wants to be more or less ‘rapey’

News Biscuit - Sat, 06/07/2014 - 3:55pm

The Director of Public Prosecutions, Alison Saunders, is hoping to dispel the ‘myth’ that insufficient evidence should ever dissuade the police or courts from pursuing newspaper headlines with meaningless statistics.

‘Yes, we want more victims to come forward to the police,’ said the Crown Prosecution Service. ‘But not if they are making it up. We want more attackers prosecuted. But not if they are innocent. So what we are saying, from a statistical point of view, it would be really handy if all rapists – who know they are guilty – could hand themselves in at the nearest police station with a full confession. No timewasters, please.’

Over 1.5 million women and men suffer domestic abuse each year, but by chasing the 5% that relate to rape cases, lawyers are far more likely to meet their favourite 1970s TV presenter. Part of the problem, according to a spokesman for Assistant Commissioner Martin Hewitt, is the manner with which the police deal with sexual offences but mainly, he added, ‘sex sells’.

‘The only way to remove sexual assault from our society is an increase in conviction rates,’ said Saunders. ‘To do this we need more rapists behind bars, so ultimately we are going to need more rapes…hold on…I mean…when we have less rapes we’ll have less trials…nope…that’s no good…Damn it! You know what I mean!’

The dilemma for all DPPs is that in order to appear tough on crime you need criminals to step up their game and for innocent people to ‘stop messing them about’. The CPS proposes to focus more on the credibility of the allegations, not the credibility of the victim, but admitted it would speed things up and help with administration if everyone could just tell the truth’.

A CPS spokesman said: ‘Frankly the process of justice is sluggish at best, an absolute snooze-fest at worst. It’s far easier to reel off statistics on past crimes as if it is proof of future crimes. That way the court of public opinion can skip over the whole evidence thingy and cut straight to reading the salacious details opposite Page Three’.

Categories: Fake News
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