Fake News

Jets Amazed By Percy Harvin’s Willingness To Fight In Huddle

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 10:40am
NEW YORK—Citing the 26-year-old’s relentless attitude and utter refusal to ever give in, New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan told reporters Thursday that the team has been amazed by newly acquired wide receiver Percy Harvin’s willingness t...

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Report: Advertisers Threatening To Pull Money Now The Only Remaining Way To Effect Any Change

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 10:36am
WASHINGTON—Confirming that civic engagement, democratic elections, and other large-scale efforts had effectively ceased to have any influence, a report published Thursday from the Pew Research Center determined that advertisers threatening to pull o...

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Scientists Announce Today Best Time To Look Directly At Sun

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 10:17am
TUCSON, AZ—Citing an ideal absence of obstructive cloud cover, scientists at the National Solar Observatory announced that today will be one of the best times for people to look directly at the sun.

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Greyhound Now Offering Premium Upgrade To Slightly Less Disgusting Seats

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 10:00am
DALLAS—In an effort to cater toward customers seeking a slightly less revolting bus-riding experience, transportation giant Greyhound announced Thursday it is now offering its passengers premium upgrades to marginally less disgusting seats. Official...

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New National Park Caters To Business Travelers

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 8:31am
PAICINES, CA—Hoping to encourage more busy professionals to visit America’s scenic natural areas, the Department of Interior announced this week the opening of Pinnacles National Park Express, the first federally designated preserve geared spe...

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Ryan Air Force contract ‘a qualified success’

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 6:00am

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has hailed the outsourcing of Britain’s air defence to Ryanair as generally successful, because the government no longer has to provide uniforms. Some had criticised the Ryan Air Force’s use of Airbus aircraft for interceptor roles as they can carry more crew, at the usual mark-up.

CEO Michael O’Leary dismissed the relocation of tactical airfields to locations away from normal defence flight paths and defended the policy of bombing any target within fifty miles of the designated coordinates. ‘It saves fuel, allows economy of scale and they usually miss anyway,’ he said.

The MoD is reviewing the contract to see if the proposed outsourcing of the Navy to P&O and the Army to G4S are viable. ‘It’s looking good,’ said one MoD official, now working for Office Angels, the first part of the defence infrastructure to be outsourced last year.


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Statshot: What Are Strangers Putting In Our Halloween Candy?

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 5:51am
What Are Strangers Putting In Our Halloween Candy?

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Football Hall Of Fame Acquires Peyton Manning's Record-Breaking Touchdown-Throwing Arm

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 5:49am
Football Hall Of Fame Acquires Peyton Manning's Record-Breaking Touchdown-Throwing Arm

Categories: Fake News

New Hobby To Tide Retired Man Over Until Death

Onion - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 5:47am
WARNER ROBINS, GA—Saying that it should take up an adequate amount of the 67-year-old’s remaining time on earth, sources confirmed Thursday that local retiree Ned McDowell has chosen gardening as the hobby to tide him over until his death.

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MythBusters investigate whether masturbation can make you go blind

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 3:00am

Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, creators of the science entertainment TV show MythBusters, have responded to repeated criticism that they are just overgrown kids playing with toys by investigating more grown-up topics, starting with the sticky topic of whether onanism affects eyesight.

The episode sees team member Grant Imahara undergo a thorough eye examination before taking up residence for a month in a specially constructed ‘wanking booth’, with a high-speed internet connection and a healthy supply of lube. The usual message warning viewers ‘Don’t try this at home’ was left out as it was years too late for many people.

Although Hyneman has revealed that Imahara’s right forearm now looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s, he refused to disclose the results of the eyesight tests. MythBusters fans, however, are inclined to think that the theory will prove false, given that Piers Morgan has never worn glasses despite having been a complete wanker for decades.


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David Cameron ‘may not have been beaten up enough at school’, warn experts

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/23/2014 - 1:00am

Child development specialists have today warned that Conservative Party leader David Cameron exhibits all the hallmarks of a violence-deprived childhood during which he may not have received the appropriate number of playground beatings for someone from his social background.

Current guidelines recommend that rich, upper-class children get their five-a-day of unprovoked blows to the head, or at least three proper kickings a week, to ensure they grow up to be properly adjusted adults with an accurate sense of their own worth.

‘Cameron’s blend of smug self-assurance and empty rhetoric can only be a result of his being under-bullied as a child,’ said leading paediatrician Dr Gonzales today. ‘Just one look at his milky-white, red-cheeked face and it’s clear that it hasn’t been punched anything like often enough or hard enough. Sure, he had a tough break being born into wealth and a private education, but at the end of the day if our teachers aren’t turning a blind eye when an annoying posh kid gets beaten up, then what on earth are we paying them for?’

Concerns were raised after specialists spotted that Cameron’s steady flow of vacuous platitudes and shameless posturing was issuing from a symmetrical face boasting both an unbroken nose and teeth unaltered by barroom dentistry. ‘How he’s survived so long without getting a real pummelling is beyond me,’ continued Dr Gonzales. ‘Our research has found no recorded instances of a request from an Eton and Oxford-educated aristocrat to ‘call him Dave’ not being answered with violence.’

Doctors are now concerned that as Cameron hasn’t had the shit beaten out of him anytime recently, it may begin exiting his body through other routes, most likely in the form of policy announcements, or worse, unsolicited details about his personal life. There are also fears that the condition, labelled victim-deficit disorder, may be rife in the Tory party, with observers agreeing that both George Osborne and Boris Johnson would benefit enormously from being caught without an umbrella in a force-nine fist storm.

29th October 2009

Categories: Fake News

West Midlands butterfly denies causing hurricane

News Biscuit - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 2:55pm

A butterfly from the Black Country has angrily denied being the cause of Hurricane Gonzalo, the tail end of which battered much of the UK this week. This all came after meteorologists, using cutting edge computer modelling, traced the origins of the hurricane back to the single flap of a butterfly’s wings three weeks last Tuesday in a field outside Walsall.

‘It was mental,’ said Red Admiral Roger Bould. ‘I was just fluttering about, as you do, when these boffins turn up and say that I set off a chain of events that caused devastation from Bermuda to Grimsby. Next thing I know, Sky News are reversing their outside broadcast lorries into the field and I’m being accused of everything from hurricanes and typhoons to the next James Blunt album. What am I meant to do, sit watching Channel 4 racing all afternoon and not flapping my wings just in case things go abdomen-up in Australia?’

Bould is actually no stranger to controversy. In April, a Wednesbury housewife had accused him of being a ‘very hungry caterpillar’ who over the course of a single week infiltrated her house then ate one apple, two pears, three plums, four strawberries, five oranges, one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and one watermelon before being sick over her collection of pottery ducks. He categorically denied the charge and was released after she failed to pick him out of an identity parade.

After news of the story spread, an angry mob descended upon the meadow where Bould and his family lived. He alleges that a big crowd chased him up and down the field screaming that it was my fault their garage roofs had blown off and that their insurance premiums would be going up.

‘I didn’t feel safe until that Kate Humble turned up and pointed out that I wouldn’t be around much longer anyway,’ said Bould. ‘Apparently I’m toast come the first cold snap. I can’t say that cheered me up any but she does have a lovely manner. I know I’m a butterfly and everything but I would, know what I mean?’

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Toys ‘R’ Us Pulls ‘Breaking Bad’ Action Figures From Shelves

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 12:45pm
Toys ‘R’ Us announced it will no longer sell action figures depicting characters from Breaking Bad, the AMC hit television show about a chemistry teacher turned meth dealer, after a Florida mother launched an online petition stating tha...

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Pueblo Indians Can’t Keep Pace With Area Mom’s Appetite For Earthenware

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 11:47am
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Claiming that the 56-year-old’s desire for authentic Native American ceramics is insatiable, local Pueblo artisans confirmed Wednesday that they can’t keep pace with area mother Shelly Burke’s ravenous appetite for ...

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Area Man Released After Being Wrongfully Employed For 9 Years

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 11:45am
RICHMOND, VA—In response to mounting evidence showing that he never should have been in there in the first place, administrators at KDM Marketing officially released 34-year-old account manager Alex Olmstead today after nine years of being wrongfull...

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Curt Schilling’s Family Urges Him To Finally See Doctor About Bleeding Ankle

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 11:07am
MEDFIELD, MA—Insisting that his prevailing injury could be serious, family members of retired baseball pitcher Curt Schilling reportedly urged the former Red Sox starter Wednesday to finally visit a doctor about his wounded right ankle, which contin...

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New Census Study Finds That 40% Of U.S. Population Is Filler

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 10:57am
WASHINGTON—Saying that a sizable cross-section of Americans exist solely to round out the nation’s general population, a new study released Wednesday by the Census Bureau found that a full 40 percent of U.S.

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Second-Grader Likes To Save Purple Pills For Last

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 9:47am
FARMINGTON, MO—Outlining his lunchtime medication regimen, local second-grader Brandon Ross explained to reporters Wednesday that he likes to save his purple pills for last.

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Cake Left Out In Break Room With No Instructions

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 9:21am
MINNEAPOLIS—Leaving dozens of workers unsure as to whether they were permitted to consume the enticing dessert, sources at the offices of Highwood Insurance told reporters Wednesday that a cake had been left out in the break room without any instruc...

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Man’s Whole Job Undoing Handiwork Of Self-Checkout Machine

Onion - Wed, 10/22/2014 - 7:55am
SIOUX FALLS, SD—Admitting that he basically just stands there until one of the stations starts blaring “unexpected item in bagging area,” local supermarket employee Andy Berenson reported Wednesday that his entire job consists of undoing...

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