Taking its cure from the British Ministry of Defence, ISIS is to form its own Territorial Army. Volunteers will fly out to Syria or Iraq on the Friday evening and return on Monday morning. To avoid Ryanairâs hefty prices for extra baggage, especially assault rifles, grenades and rocket launchers, these will be picked upon arrival in Iraq.
In theatre preparation will involve a few ritual decapitations followed by random firing into the horizon. Volunteers with psychiatric problems will then be given one woman to beat senseless before shooting her through the back of the head. An advantage for ISIS is that on return to the UK, injured people may get free help on the NHS
A ruling by Justice Secretary Chris Grayling that from August all young offenders will have to be in their cells with lights out by 22:30 may solve the UK’s sperm shortage says the British Fertility Society, which said that this âmay have untapped a major supply of sperm for us at a time of drastic shortages’.
However, the Royal Institute for the Blind warned of a future increase in poor sighted burglars, while one Young Offenders Institution has already ordered in extra supplies of Kleenex ahead of the new decision coming into force. Grayling’s blanket ruling has not gone done well at Ashfield YOI. ‘He’s a wanker,’ said one inmate.
âAs I write today, from the former mining township that I came to after leaving my successful career at the Sydney Herald to raise my children, Australian men are more in touch with their mojo than they have ever been.
âWhen I first started out as a junior hack in Sydney, I worked with a bunch of over-paid and over-sexed Neanderthal knuckle-draggers. But times have certainly changed, because I now work in Burra Burra. I put my success down to the interest that my male superiors took in me, and sleeping with them at critical stages in my career.
âMy father was also a real inspiration to me. He used to sit me on his knee, crack open a can of lager and say, âSheila, youâd better get used to being a second class citizen and donât ever harbour any notion of being a lezza, because that would just be a real waste.â When he died my mother swore sheâd never remarry until the bruises healed â now thatâs commitment for you.
âI do take issue with people who look at Australia and only see the bigger political picture with our female Prime Minister being stabbed in the back by a class-one bigoted, no-hoper alpha male. That really gives a false impression of what itâs like for a woman working in a male environment and doesnât do Australian men justice. There are thousands of women in Australia whoâve managed to smash through the glass ceiling and find their way into the revolving doors and back out into the street, and none of them ever spit the dummy.
âMen are different now. Iâve got two daughters who worship their father and pay him regular visits even though they donât get on with his latest girlfriend. They tell me that when they grow up they want to be just like me, but maybe with a pair of testicles. I think thatâs really sweet and proof that we are moving on as a society.
âRussell Crowe said thereâs no gallantry in Australia anymore. I think heâs mistaken. I had a guy hold the door open for me only last week until I told him to get out of the ladies toilet or Iâd stuff his head down the dunny. He left immediately. Now thatâs what I call progress.â
Details were emerging last night that Jimmy Savile may have been even more revoltingly criminal than anyone had previously imagined. The latest allegation is that he may have ‘advised’ David Cameron. A police spokesman said: ‘This simply beggars belief and will be hard to bear for the victims, of which there will be a staggering number.’
Cabinet Office officials have admitted that Savile may have been granted unfettered access to dead or dying government policies. He was known to have an abnormal interest in ‘going over figures’, and liked to visit the Treasury where many differently-abled individuals were being cared for. The Foreign Office, meanwhile, has been rueing having an open-door policy to him. Savile is thought to have ‘vigorously interfered with’ the hole in the centre of the ‘Donut’, as the GCHQ headquarters in Cheltenham is affectionately known by inmates.
The Ministry of Defence, in its weakened state, was also rumoured to be unable to defend itself from Savile’s unsavoury and unwelcome advances. ‘Philip’, a young aide who was clearly still traumatised, gave evidence that he had once seen Savile ‘caressing the nuclear button’. He sobbed: ‘It was obscene. I thought I would die. I felt I couldn’t tell anyone because no-one would ever believe me.’
Scotland Yard has refused to comment on speculation that there may have been an organised ring of unelected and unqualified ‘advisers’, passing vulnerable PMs from one abuser to the next. The criminal adviser fraternity is thought to pre-date a ‘dodgy dossier’ incident, where the victim went on to become an abuser himself, invading entire countries.
Family and friends of David Cameron are now said to be worried about his state of mind. An un-named deputy Prime Minister, who seemed on the verge of bursting into tears himself, confided: ‘With Dave having such a pink, open forehead, smooth as a baby’s bottom, we may never know what really happened in there.’
Messing and mucking about is still the most important part of the school curriculum for most pupils, according to OFSTED.Â ‘It’s my favourite bit,’ said Brett, a year eight pupil at Scunthorpe Comp, âthough school dinners when it’s double burger, chips and beans is good.’
The report will be a disappointment for Education Secretary Michael Gove who wants to replace messing about in schools with the study of Shakespeare and String Theory. ‘Iâm not really arsed about Shakespeare’, added Brett. ‘Basically we just mess about and wind Miss Edwards up all day. Itâs aceâ.
But the UK recently came top in messing about in an international league table of schools with South Korea at the bottom. A plan to put messing about on the curriculum as a discrete subject alongside English and history was abandoned when educationalists pointed out that pupils would probably just mess and muck about in it.
Tim Nolan, stationery sales executive from Windsor and passenger on board flight BA16 to Madrid became an unlikely hero yesterday as he successfully wrestled with the controls of the stricken plane after both the Captain and First officer were taken sick during the flight.
Mr. Nolan 44, who is describes himself as a highly nervous passenger, and who hasn’t even passed his car driving test, averted near disaster when he answered a call from the crew for anyone who had flying experience. âI absolutely havenât,â said Mr. Nolan, âbut a friend of mine had posted a quote on Facebook that day from Muhammad Ali; something about the impossible not being a fact, just an opinion. So I thought Iâd take a risk, give it a goâ.
In a strange twist of fate there was another seasoned BA pilot on board, who made way for Mr. Nolan â recognizing that it was his moment, his hour, his single chance to be the very best he could be. âExperience is nothing compared to thatâ added the vastly experienced, wise old war veteran BA Captain.
Mr. Nolan single-handedly landed the aircraft in poor weather conditions and a cross-wind, whilst simultaneously assisting the ailing pilots and nursing them during the descent to Madrid. âPeople are calling me a hero for saving 250 people,” said Mr. Nolan, “but the real hero is my friend who posted that quotation. He chose to âshareâ those inspirational thoughts, and it gave me the strength. Luckily, I didnât choose to view the video of a cat playing ping pong that heâd posted earlier, or it all could have ended very badly.â
Nr Nolan now says he is to consider his career options. He has been avidly scouring the internet for other motivational quotes since the incident and realizes that he has been limiting himself by selling paper clips for a living. âI thought about many things since the incident, and Iâm thinking big now. There a second-in-command job available in Bristol in the ink cartridge division, and Iâm putting my name down. ‘You miss 100% of the shots you donât take’,â he added, quoting Wayne Gretzky.
Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with âtheatrical turdsâ from the 1980s. Â Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness reported seeing a father of three throw his young daughters into the Thames rather than expose them to âDon’t Cry For Me Argentinaâ.
Refugees clutching tickets for âA Book of Mormonâ attest to being shell shocked at the news that such productions will be returning to Londonâs theatre land. Many fear that Webberâs planned attack on the city could mean that they will now be exposed to the next generation of Wayne Sleeps and Bonnie Langfords.
One expert commented: âWhile Hitler may have bombed London 71 times in 267-days, Cats alone has bombed in front of over 50-million people worldwide. Something has to be doneâ. Â Children have been sent away from their families to either live in the countryside or at least stay with someone with season tickets to the Royal Court or National Theatres. The people of Coventry have already volunteered to âburn their cathedral to the groundâ if Cameron Mackintosh promises not to bring the shows north of the Watford Gap.
The V-1 âdoodlebugâ bomb with its familiar strange tearing and rasping sound will be accurately replaced by Elaine Paige singing âMemoryâ. Cats itself will run for 12-weeks at the London Palladium, while the populace will run in any direction they can. One veteran remarked: âI didnât fight in a World War to have Nazis marching through the streets of London or people dressed in a cat unitard’.
Non-existent law firms from throughout the UK are intending to take Wongaâs team of fictional legal practitioners to court for not being believable enough.
Idle threats, baseless accusations and abstract concepts are also expected to take legal action against Wonga for diminishing their effectiveness. Hefty out-of-court settlements have already been agreed with intimidating statements, such as: âMy big brother will beat you up if you donât do itâ, and, âmy dad is a black belt in Karate and will kick your dadâs head inâ.
The ordinarily scrupulous payday lender inadvertently brought the questionable practise to the publicâs attention, when a letter they sent from Tulkinghorne, Rumpole & Finch, was received by an astute debtor who immediately realised that the firm had the same PO Box as Wonga.
The company has been ordered to pay 2.6 million in compensation, but hope to recoup this money by suing the imaginary law firms they created. They escaped more severe financial penalties, as the majority of the offences were committed before the previous regulatory acronym, the FSA, had ceased to exist.
In Brazil, over a million people are reported to have joined demonstrations against the seeding of Rafael Nadal in this yearâs Wimbledon. While many might consider the tennis tournament to be an elitist, predictable and insignificant waste of strawberries; for the disenfranchised youth of Rio de Janeiro it means everything.
The âKing of Clayâ has slipped down the rankings after seven months out with a knee injury, but has won 43 out of 45 matches since returning. The newspaper Folha de Sao Paulo highlighted widespread inequality throughout Brazil, citing as an example Wimbledonâs own formula for men’s seedings. One protester said: ‘Exorbitant transport fares, corruption and taxation we can tolerate, but placing the two-time champion behind David Ferrer is an outrage!’
The Spaniard has turned into lightning rod for all forms of protest, ever since a masked, bare-chested protester interrupted his victory at the French Open. Despite tournament director Gibert Ysern condemning this as ‘pathetic’, he could not deny that Nadal has become the Che Guevara of grass tennis. The All England Club is already considering the use of tear gas and rubber bullets on Henman Hill should things ‘turn nasty’ later this month.
The BBCâs correspondent in Rio, Julia Carneiro, commented: ‘It is not yet known how this will end, but with so much at stake, it might be worth Andy Murray considering an escape in the early rounds.’
The long-awaited report by the Chilcot inquiry, set up in the wake of the Hundred Yearsâ War, which ended in 1453, is now unlikely to be published until next year, it has been revealed. The inquiry, which has been sitting for 561 years, was set up to examine the legality of the decision to go to war in 1337 in order that lessons could be learned and future foreign policy blunders prevented.
âI am confident my report will soon see the light of day,â said Sir John Chilcot, now aged 617. Â âThe British public deserves to know the truth about why their fourteenth-century ancestors were led into war, and whether this decision was compatible with the Magna Carta.â
The focus of the inquiry has been on claims that the attempt by Edward III to seize the French throne was motivated purely by âregime changeâ, and the suggestion that the case for war was exaggerated in a secret document, the so-called âpimped parchmentâ. âThe idea that the French army could strike within 45-minutes was simply absurd,â said historian David Starkey. âHave you ever been on the Eurostar?â
The Chilcot report has already been delayed by prolonged wrangling between the estates of Edward III and Henry V of England, and Philip VI and Charles VI of France over the release of sensitive letters. These disputes were ended earlier this year when it was discovered that all the relevant documents had long since decomposed. Â But with this further delay, the Plantagenets now fear that their chances in the 2015 general election could be damaged.
âThis latest delay is to allow for the Maxwellisation process by which those directly criticised in the report will be given advance sight of the relevant passages,â explained Chilcot. âIt may take some time to exhume them.â