Fake News

American Voices: Male Students Overestimate Male Classmates

Onion - Sun, 02/21/2016 - 3:36pm

A study of gender bias in the classroom found that male college students consistently overestimated and gave more credit to male classmates than female ones, even when the latter group earned higher grades. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Michael Gove backs another winner

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/20/2016 - 4:55pm

With all the predictive powers of a magic eight-ball, the Secretary of State for Justice has given his full support and success-rate behind a Brexit. Having previously solved all problems that exist in schools and prisons, campaigners for an EU-exit are confident that the Gove-factor can deliver the same genius that made hydrogen airships today’s ‘vehicle of choice’.

Michael Gove has an unimpeachable track-record of endorsing the right option, be it smearing people through social media, helping to radicalize faith schools or choosing ‘New Coke’ over regular. Likewise as a long term employee of News International, Mr. Gove resolutely opposed freedom of information unless of course it related to someone’s phone messages. Always on the right side of any argument, Mr. Gove has proudly supported Tory manifestos, dismantling the NHS and the making of ‘The adventures of Pluto Nash’. Indeed, no one can question his judgment in claiming tens of thousands of pounds by manipulating his parliamentary housing and expenses claims. Those UK citizens who were undecided about EU membership will be able to use Mr. Gove as a moral compass, or at least as a xenophobic SatNav.

As one friend commented: ‘Michael has all the gut instinct of someone with irritable bowel syndrome. He a great fellow but he has the unswerving self-belief of someone administering a frontal lobotomy’.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Clinton Credits Nevada Victory To Inescapable, Pitch-Black Tide Of Fate

Onion - Sat, 02/20/2016 - 4:38pm

LAS VEGAS—Addressing a crowd of supporters at a victory rally in Nevada Saturday afternoon, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton credited her triumph in the state to the baleful, pitch-black tide of fate from which no man, woman, or child could ever hope to escape. “Our victory today is proof that the floodgates of history have opened, and the dire, unremitting current of inevitability has been loosed on the helpless masses,” said Clinton, bidding voters to surrender themselves to the advancing and all-consuming veil of destiny before its icy, ink-dark gloom laid waste to all who dared resist. “Do not attempt to flee or hide, for the stygian waters I have unleashed upon this earth will sweep along all in their path. Those who stand with me shall ride the crest of this woeful tidal bore all the way through Super Tuesday and unto the very steps of the White ...

Categories: Fake News

Holidaying Boris Johnson identified as source of Australian hairy panic

News Biscuit - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 4:54pm

Sighs of relief today in Western Australia as the source of the ‘hairy panic’ swamping a town was identified as a moulting Boris Johnson who has been holidaying near the most affected area of Wangaratta.

Mr Johnson sheds his winter coat every year in March and usually this is taken care of by government contractors in his London home. However, it is thought that the unusually warm weather during his holiday triggered an early shedding event which subsequently engulfed the sleepy outback town.

‘Yeah, we found Bozza lying on a beach asleep with loads of the stuff just floating off him,’ said Dale Blenkins, a Wangaratta farmer this morning. ‘We initially thought it was coming off the fields the other side of the billabong, but look at the state of the fella! It’s just flying off him.’

Mr Johnson was unavailable for comment as his moulting state usually leaves him partially vegetative throughout the process and he was thought to have been recovering en route to the airport. His spokesman told us, ‘Mr Johnson had a bit of a surprise whilst holidaying. No offence meant but when hje starts, it’s impossible to stop him. I believe the locals are taking it all in their stride. Jolly good, blitz spirit and all that. Pip pip, peasants!”

Whilst the clean-up began in earnest, Mr Johnson flew back to the UK to continue neglecting his mayoral duties since taking a seat in the Commons last May. His spokesman warned the general public of potential aftereffects from the unseasonal Johnson moult.

‘Usually after shedding, Boris is extremely fertile so the public, especially females with a pulse, should only travel into any of the 32 London boroughs if absolutely necessary, especially if he may be startled or on heat. Which is pretty much all the time.

‘If you are touched by one of his airborne spores, please seek medical attention immediately. Or just call the papers.’

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Married Couples Have Similar Immune Systems

Onion - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 2:17pm

A new study found married couples have immune systems 50 percent more similar to one another than to other people, likely because their antibodies adjust to a shared lifestyle. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Jaguars, Raiders Hold Postseason Exhibition Game In London

Onion - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 1:04pm

LONDON—In the latest effort by the NFL to expand the sport of football internationally, the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Oakland Raiders held a postseason exhibition game Friday at London’s Wembley Stadium. “Today was a fantastic opportunity for the fans in England to see the Jaguars and Raiders play a full game as both teams prepare to head into the offseason,” league commissioner Roger Goodell said of the postseason exhibition, which Jacksonville won 24-21 in overtime in front of a sold-out crowd of 90,000 spectators. “It was a great turnout, and as always, it provided a chance for the teams to evaluate their strengths and weaknesses coming out of the regular season.” Goodell added that, based on the overwhelming success of the overseas matchup, the league is planning to add three more London exhibition games to the postseason schedule.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Census Study Finds Thousands Of Undocumented Immigrants Living Inside U.S. Border Wall

Onion - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 12:25pm

WASHINGTON—According to a study released Friday by the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 12,000 undocumented immigrants currently reside within sections of the border wall that separates the United States and Mexico. “Over the past decade, thousands of individuals from Mexico and Central America have flocked to our nation’s southern border, breached the tall steel barriers, and started building lives for themselves inside the wall,” said the bureau’s associate director for research, Clara Smythe, who added that once immigrants find a space for themselves between the wall’s thick metal plates, they typically bring their extended families to live with them, further exacerbating the problem. “And reversing the flow isn’t as simple as sending people back to their home countries. Our study found that six months after deportation, many of these migrants end up right back inside the wall, often crouching behind the very same ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Takeout Burrito Shielded From Cold As Though It Were Week-Old Newborn

Onion - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 10:57am

NEW YORK—Clutching the tinfoil-wrapped bundle tightly to her chest as she emerged from a local taqueria, area woman Caroline Parrish tenderly shielded her takeout burrito from the cold as though it were a week-old newborn, sources confirmed Friday. “I’ll get you home soon, my love—just a few more minutes,” whispered Parrish, nestling the rolled mass of spicy steak and beans within the folds of her jacket to ensure it could not be chilled by the wind as she carefully sidestepped patches of ice and affectionately cradled her cherished lunch item to ensure its fragile form was fully supported. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” At press time, Parrish was terrified to realize her burrito had been switched with someone else’s.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: ‘I Can’t Do This Again,’ Shaking, Sweating Donald Trump Says After Nervously Vomiting Before Rally

Onion - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 9:56am

CHARLESTON, SC—Doubled over a garbage can backstage at a local auditorium, a trembling, heavily perspiring Donald Trump reportedly shook his head back and forth and muttered in between bouts of nervous vomiting Friday that there was no way he could go out on stage for a campaign rally. “Don’t make me go up there and talk in front of all those people, please—I can’t do it, I just can’t,” said the Republican presidential frontrunner, beads of cold sweat matting his hair to his wan brow, and loudly dry heaving as aides handed him a glass of water and attempted to calm his nerves by pointing out that he had done this plenty of times before and assuring him that people really enjoyed his speeches. “I can’t handle it—not again. There’s too many people, and they’re all looking at me. It’s ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Family At Restaurant Reminds Grandma What Food She Likes

Onion - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 8:27am

SPLENDORA, TX—As they carefully guided her through the menu at local eatery Republic Bistro Friday, the family of grandmother Barbara LeBlanc, 81, reportedly made a point of reminding her what foods she likes. “Oh, look, a Mediterranean chicken panini! You could have that. It’s basically just a chicken sandwich, and you like chicken,” said LeBlanc’s daughter Rachel Hallowell, explaining how the melted cheese and tomato slices made the sandwich similar to others she has liked in the past. “Or how about the Greek salad? You had one of those when we went out to dinner for Timmy’s graduation, and you said it was very good.” After LeBlanc reportedly pointed to the penne all’arrabbiata and suggested she might enjoy that, her relatives were quick to remind her that she hates spicy peppers.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Grated Cheese Found To Contain Wood Pulp

Onion - Fri, 02/19/2016 - 8:18am

An investigation of several top-selling brands of grated parmesan cheese found that most brands contained double the acceptable amount of wood pulp, or nearly 10 percent of the product’s volume. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Cameron surrenders Ant and Dec in EU negotiations

News Biscuit - Thu, 02/18/2016 - 4:55pm

National treasures Ant and Dec are to be given to the EU as part of a deal which will see David Cameron secure key concessions on welfare payments to immigrants. The move comes after Polish delegates stormed out of negotiations after the Prime Minister’s opening offer of the Chuckle Brothers and Bonnie Langford appeared to have backfired.

‘We don’t want your stinking Chuckle Brothers,’ said chief Polish negotiator Karol Bosko. ‘Cameron thinks we are a bunch of backward peasants, wetting our pants with laughter at the stupid antics of a couple of demented buffoons. We want the consummate entertainers Ant and Dec with their cheeky Geordie charm and touching man-love’.

The offer of Ant and Dec also appears to have secured the backing of the Czech Republic and Slovakia where re-runs of kids programme Byker Grove still regularly attract over 20 million viewers and the duo’s birthdays are celebrated as national holidays.

The deal follows earlier reports that the Prime Minister was humiliated by other EU leaders and forced to dance while delegates threw the remnants of their buffet lunch at him.

‘It was a degrading spectacle,’ admits German delegate Willy Ackerman. ‘On the other hand if he wants this deal as much as he says he does then he should be prepared to dress up in lederhosen and dance to the Birdie Song while I throw roast beef and caramelised onion vol au vents at him. He didn’t look happy, maybe he would have preferred the pork’.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Millennials Consume The Most Wine

Onion - Thu, 02/18/2016 - 4:20pm

U.S. millennials aged 21 to 38 consumed 159.6 million cases of wine in 2015, or an average of two cases per person, more than any other generation. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

News: Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

Onion - Thu, 02/18/2016 - 2:13pm

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Plans to replace the Renaissance-era church with The Vatican Downtown Community Center—informally known as “The Communion”—were reportedly first revealed by representatives of the Miami-based real estate firm RJ Lerneman & Co. during a city council meeting last Friday. The presentation, which touted the luxury apartments and high-end storefronts of the six-acre mixed-use development, was said to have immediately divided those in attendance, sparking an hour of intense back-and-forth debate and ultimately launching the campaign to save the Baroque-style church and Catholic pilgrimage site from destruction.

“This church has been an important part of the neighborhood since 1590 ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Mitch McConnell Has Hands, Vocal Cords Removed To Prevent Self From Holding Hearing On Scalia Replacement

Onion - Thu, 02/18/2016 - 1:01pm

WASHINGTON—In a move aimed at blocking any attempt by President Obama to appoint a new Supreme Court justice before he leaves the White House next January, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell reportedly had his hands and vocal cords surgically removed Thursday to prevent himself from holding a hearing to replace the late Justice Antonin Scalia. “Senator McConnell feels very strongly that the next president should decide this issue, and has elected to undergo surgical procedures to amputate both hands and sever his vocal cords to ensure that anyone nominated by President Obama for the vacant Supreme Court seat will receive neither a Senate hearing nor a confirmation vote,” said McConnell’s press secretary, Robert Steurer, adding that the top-ranking Republican would remain steadfast in his opposition to any liberal-leaning appointee by completely eliminating his ability to write, speak, or strike a gavel to open a legislative session. “Senator McConnell ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Man Who Downloaded $2.99 Meditation App Prepares To Enter Lotus Plane Of Eternal Serenity

Onion - Thu, 02/18/2016 - 12:49pm

SEATTLE—After downloading a $2.99 meditation app onto his Samsung Galaxy phone Thursday, local man Eric Reeves prepared himself to leave the earthly world behind and enter a lotus plane of pure, eternal serenity, sources reported. The 31-year-old, who is said to have scanned through several meditation and mindfulness apps in the Google Play store before deciding on one from the company SnorgleWorks, then reportedly clicked the Install button on his screen, leaving him just moments away from being carried like a cherry blossom on a soft breeze into a placid realm of unending tranquility. Having readied himself to expand his awareness to the bounds of infinity, Reeves is said to have then tapped the app’s icon, located between his apps for Lyft and the game Gummy Drop!, propelling his inner being into an enlightened, all-knowing state of profound oneness with all things. At press time, the veritable ...

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Tips For Getting Out Of Debt

Onion - Thu, 02/18/2016 - 11:38am
Here are The Onion’s tips for getting out of debt quickly and painlessly:
  • First, to discourage impulsive spending, cut up all your credit cards and paper money.
  • Make your assorted debts more manageable by spreading them out over several false identities.
  • Organization is key. Make a spreadsheet to neatly list all your minimum payments, interest rates, and remaining unfractured kneecaps.
  • Find inspiration in someone whose credit score you admire and tape their photo to the front of your wallet.
  • Ask credit card issuers for a lower rate on your balances. It’s likely they were unaware that you would prefer to owe them less money.
  • Look for everyday ways to reduce expenses. For instance, the average American saves $3,000 per year simply by switching to blended scotch.
  • Set up autopay options to consistently overdraft in a timely fashion.
  • Use cash for purchases instead of credit. If you don ...

Categories: Fake News
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