Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has hailed the outsourcing of Britainâ€™s air defence to Ryanair as generally successful, because the government no longer has to provide uniforms. Some had criticised the Ryan Air Forceâ€™s use of Airbus aircraft for interceptor roles as they can carry more crew, at the usual mark-up.
CEO Michael Oâ€™Leary dismissed the relocation of tactical airfields to locations away from normal defence flight paths and defended the policy of bombing any target within fifty miles of the designated coordinates. â€˜It saves fuel, allows economy of scale and they usually miss anyway,â€™ he said.
The MoD is reviewing the contract to see if the proposed outsourcing of the Navy to P&O and the Army to G4S are viable. â€˜Itâ€™s looking good,â€™ said one MoD official, now working for Office Angels, the first part of the defence infrastructure to be outsourced last year.
Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, creators of the science entertainment TV show MythBusters, have responded to repeated criticism that they are just overgrown kids playing with toys by investigating more grown-up topics, starting with the sticky topic of whether onanism affects eyesight.
The episode sees team member Grant Imahara undergo a thorough eye examination before taking up residence for a month in a specially constructed â€˜wanking boothâ€™, with a high-speed internet connection and a healthy supply of lube. The usual message warning viewers â€˜Donâ€™t try this at homeâ€™ was left out as it was years too late for many people.
Although Hyneman has revealed that Imaharaâ€™s right forearm now looks like Arnold Schwarzeneggerâ€™s, he refused to disclose the results of the eyesight tests. MythBusters fans, however, are inclined to think that the theory will prove false, given that Piers Morgan has never worn glasses despite having been a complete wanker for decades.
Child development specialists have today warned that Conservative Party leader David Cameron exhibits all the hallmarks of a violence-deprived childhood during which he may not have received the appropriate number of playground beatings for someone from his social background.
Current guidelines recommend that rich, upper-class children get their five-a-day of unprovoked blows to the head, or at least three proper kickings a week, to ensure they grow up to be properly adjusted adults with an accurate sense of their own worth.
â€˜Cameronâ€™s blend of smug self-assurance and empty rhetoric can only be a result of his being under-bullied as a child,â€™ said leading paediatrician Dr Gonzales today. â€˜Just one look at his milky-white, red-cheeked face and itâ€™s clear that it hasnâ€™t been punched anything like often enough or hard enough. Sure, he had a tough break being born into wealth and a private education, but at the end of the day if our teachers arenâ€™t turning a blind eye when an annoying posh kid gets beaten up, then what on earth are we paying them for?â€™
Concerns were raised after specialists spotted that Cameronâ€™s steady flow of vacuous platitudes and shameless posturing was issuing from a symmetrical face boasting both an unbroken nose and teeth unaltered by barroom dentistry. â€˜How heâ€™s survived so long without getting a real pummelling is beyond me,â€™ continued Dr Gonzales. â€˜Our research has found no recorded instances of a request from an Eton and Oxford-educated aristocrat to â€˜call him Daveâ€™ not being answered with violence.â€™
Doctors are now concerned that as Cameron hasnâ€™t had the shit beaten out of him anytime recently, it may begin exiting his body through other routes, most likely in the form of policy announcements, or worse, unsolicited details about his personal life. There are also fears that the condition, labelled victim-deficit disorder, may be rife in the Tory party, with observers agreeing that both George Osborne and Boris Johnson would benefit enormously from being caught without an umbrella in a force-nine fist storm.
29th October 2009
A butterfly from the Black Country has angrily denied being the cause of Hurricane Gonzalo, the tail end of which battered much of the UK this week. This all came after meteorologists, using cutting edge computer modelling, traced the origins of the hurricane back to the single flap of a butterflyâ€™s wings three weeks last Tuesday in a field outside Walsall.
â€˜It was mental,â€™ said Red Admiral Roger Bould. â€˜I was just fluttering about, as you do, when these boffins turn up and say that I set off a chain of events that caused devastation from Bermuda to Grimsby. Next thing I know, Sky News are reversing their outside broadcast lorries into the field and Iâ€™m being accused of everything from hurricanes and typhoons to the next James Blunt album. What am I meant to do, sit watching Channel 4 racing all afternoon and not flapping my wings just in case things go abdomen-up in Australia?â€™
Bould is actually no stranger to controversy. In April, a Wednesbury housewife had accused him of being a â€˜very hungry caterpillarâ€™ who over the course of a single week infiltrated her house then ate one apple, two pears, three plums, four strawberries, five oranges, one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and one watermelon before being sick over her collection of pottery ducks. He categorically denied the charge and was released after she failed to pick him out of an identity parade.
After news of the story spread, an angry mob descended upon the meadow where Bould and his family lived. He alleges that a big crowd chased him up and down the field screaming that it was my fault their garage roofs had blown off and that their insurance premiums would be going up.
â€˜I didnâ€™t feel safe until that Kate Humble turned up and pointed out that I wouldnâ€™t be around much longer anyway,â€™ said Bould. â€˜Apparently Iâ€™m toast come the first cold snap. I canâ€™t say that cheered me up any but she does have a lovely manner. I know Iâ€™m a butterfly and everything but I would, know what I mean?â€™