Fake News

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 3, 2014

Onion - Mon, 02/03/2014 - 10:00am
The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 3, 2014

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Girl Scouts Introduce Gluten-Free Cookies

Onion - Mon, 02/03/2014 - 9:00am
In an effort to better accommodate those with gluten intolerance, a number of Girl Scout troops around the country will sell a gluten-free version of their chocolate chip shortbread cookie.

Categories: Fake News

Music extravaganza interrupted by irrelevant ball game

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/03/2014 - 8:00am

Rock fans and devotees of ‘girls jiggling’ were left fuming as the coverage of Super Bowl XLVIII was disrupted by twenty two pumped up men in helmets and a mis-shapen football invading the pitch at MetLife Stadium. Thousands bore witness to the Red Hot Chili Peppers being forced from the stage and replaced with some kind of ‘girly rugby’ which ‘dragged on for ages’.

Claims that this was a meaningful sporting event were quickly contradicted by the 43-8 scoreline. In fact, residents of Denver who had tuned in to watch Bruno Mars belt out his only hit were surprised to see their city being mocked by a motley collection of ‘athletes’ with over-excited pituitary glands and a high incidence of positive drug testing.

As one music journalist complained: ‘People paid good money to see a pyrotechnic-filled show crammed with pop stars, cheerleaders and Janet Jackson’s nipple. What they don’t expect to see is a wrestling match between owners of second-rate degrees in pants so tight that Mick Jagger would blush, and sporadic mindless violence disguised as some sort of sport. It was only slightly redeemed by Seattle coach Pete Carroll twerking on the touchline’.

Categories: Fake News

‘We wait until your mouth’s full before asking how your food is’, admit waiters

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/03/2014 - 6:15am

Waiting-on staff across the UK have admitted today that they love nothing more than waiting until you’ve just shovelled half a quiche in your mouth before asking you if ‘everything’s okay with the meal’.

‘Most of the customers in this place earn my annual salary in a week; I have to do something to cheer myself up’, said London Hilton waiter, Thomas Seddon. ‘If you’re at an important business lunch and you’re acting all snotty and “executive”, there’s nothing more satisfying that waiting until you’re in mid-chew, asking you a question, then watching you frantically nod and start trying to mime your appreciation whilst spitting a piece of tiramisu all over your new client. What do you think gets me through working here every day? It ain’t your measly tips.’

Categories: Fake News

British labour market flooded by workers from Narnia

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/03/2014 - 3:30am

Government figures released today reveal that tens of thousands of economic migrants are flooding into Britain from Narnia. Beavers, fawns and over-allegorical lions are working long hours for low wages on building sites, in the service industries and as farm workers, causing a certain amount of resentment in some areas of the country.

Along with Rumania and Bulgaria, Narnia joined the European community on January 1st despite worries about the human rights record of the Snow Queen and an ongoing diplomatic row over the whereabouts of four British children. Romanians and Bulgarians have come in smaller numbers than anticipated and have blended into the British workforce almost un-noticed. However, thousands of Narnians arriving via a wardrobe in an unspecified English country house have not found it so easy to blend in to British society, being as they are talking mammals or mythical creatures like giants and witches. A building site manager in Ipswich said ‘We’ve got a few Narnians on the site. There’s a satyr, a stag and I think that nattering beaver is from Narnia as well. They’re good workers, but all that sixth form symbolism gets on the other lads tits from time to time…’

In Market Harborough, a group of local youths got into a fracas with a number of Narnians calling them ‘Fawnies’, pushing and shoving and saying that none of the books were as good as the first one. Eventually police had to be called after one of the locals was turned into a stone statue.

Now there are calls for limits to be put on the number of Narnian workers coming into the country. However, they have been defended by one New Labour MP who admits to employing a Narnian handyman. ‘He’s marvellous…’ said Dawn McHugh, ‘Not only does he do the gardening, decorating and odd-jobs around the house, but he also lays down his life for the children before the epic climactic battle between good and evil. Why can’t British workers do that?’

See also
Human traffickers to face congestion charge
Father Christmas relocates to China


Categories: Fake News

Panicking Marshawn Lynch Unable To Deactivate Beast Mode

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 9:00pm
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Caroming wildly around the locker room following the Super Bowl on Sunday, a panicked Marshawn Lynch reportedly informed teammates that he couldn’t figure out how to deactivate Beast Mode.

Categories: Fake News

Depraved Lombardi Trophy Excited To Be Covered In Greasy Fingerprints

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 8:00pm
Depraved Lombardi Trophy Excited To Be Covered In Greasy Fingerprints

Categories: Fake News

Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 7:56pm
Super Bowl Confetti Made Entirely From Shredded Concussion Studies

Categories: Fake News

Troy Aikman Fruitlessly Attempts To Conjure Super Bowl Memory For On-Air Anecdote

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 7:05pm
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Disoriented by the effects of years of violent head trauma, Fox analyst and Dallas Cowboys Hall of Famer Troy Aikman fruitlessly attempted to come up with a Super Bowl memory for an on-air anecdote during Sunday’s broadcast...

Categories: Fake News

Sports Poll: What Did You Think Of The Super Bowl Halftime Show?

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 6:22pm
The Onion – America's Finest News Source

Categories: Fake News

Huskies Unstoppable During Cold-Weather Puppy Bowl

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 6:20pm
NEW YORK—Overcoming frigid temperatures and biting winds, a team of husky puppies overpowered and trounced the opposition Sunday during Puppy Bowl X, the first ever cold-weather Puppy Bowl. As temperatures dropped into the low twenties, puppies atte...

Categories: Fake News

Ofsted Chair ‘sleeps with the fishes’

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 6:00pm

After the delivery of a ministerial attaché case containing an 11lb tuna to the headquarters of Ofsted, it has been hinted by sources at the Department of Education that the Chair of Ofsted, Labour Peer Baroness Morgan ‘Ain’t gonna be around no more, capisce?’

With the Ofsted chief not having been seen for days, a nationwide search has been launched and although hopes of finding the well-respected education Tsar are fading, the DoE firmly clarified their position that there were no hard feelings from their point of view, that whatever had caused the disappearance was probably ‘simply business’, and if anything unpleasant had happened, the interests, well-being and future of the family country would not be adversely affected by her loss.

The departure of Baroness Morgan comes hard on the heels of the removal of non-Conservative members from the Arts Council and the Charities commission. Senior Labour and independent members of both bodies have variously been reported to have been cemented into the foundations of a new Tesco Metro in Slough, or fed into an industrial meat-grinder along with horses’ heads, but only in a genuine initiative intended to drive up standards in the quality of low-cost lasagne.

Questioned about the removal of Baroness Morgan, the minister of Education, Don Gove, replied “Fuhgeddaboutit.” Signore Gove was also reticent about reports that he was attempting to heal the rift between himself and Ofsted Chief Inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw by inviting Sir Michael to a “Sitdown” at Papa Giuseppe’s Old-Timey Sicilian Pizzeria in Little Venice where, earlier, an adviser from right-leaning think tank CosaNostra Policy Forum was found taping a snub-nosed Smith & Wesson under the cistern in the men’s lavatories.

Signore Gove halted further questions by gesturing to have his Consigliere slowly close the door of his office while a kneeling PPS kissed his hand with all respect, accompanied by the lyrical sounds of a pastorale played on a Mandolin by an expensively-educated ‘patron’ who seriously only does this sort of thing in his spare time.

Categories: Fake News

Roger Goodell Freezes To Death

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 4:45pm
Roger Goodell Freezes To Death

Categories: Fake News

Keys To The Matchup: Seahawks vs. Broncos

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 4:00pm
The Seahawks battle the Broncos in a game that players will be treating like the Super Bowl. Onion Sports examines what each team must do to win.

Categories: Fake News

Magazine: 30 People With Publicists

Onion - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 10:00am
30 People With Publicists

Categories: Fake News

ITV4 schedulers to assist with dredging operation

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 5:00am

Somerset council have recruited ITV4 schedulers to assist with with dredging. ‘We needed someone with expertise for pulling out old rubbish from the depths and they ticked all the boxes’, said a council spokesman.

‘We were concerned that our storage systems would pollute the water, but after ITV4 finished scraping the bottom of those barrels, they were really cleaned down to the wood.’

ITV4 removed all the detritus and dregs from the depths which it seemed more than happy to take away ‘for display purposes’. And then an hour later, the entire operation was pointlessly repeated by ITV4+1.

Categories: Fake News

Kindle launches dog-eared e-book for reluctant e-readers

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/02/2014 - 4:45am

Kindle have revealed plans for their next generation platform aimed at traditional book readers who have so far proved to be resistant to the increasingly popular portable e-book reader. More formally known as DE, the dog-eared version of the Kindle has been designed following extensive market research with focus groups of reluctant converts to the new technology.

In a contrast to the sleek lines of the current version the DE has been fashioned from high performance materials to provide a shabby looking player with creased corners, giving the reader the comfortable impression that their book is a well-thumbed edition. This blends seamlessly with the tea and coffee stains that appear randomly on the e-pages.

‘We are especially pleased with that effect,’ said a spokesman for Amazon, adding, ‘as well as the usual beverage spill marks, users can now simulate their own book stains, by simply choosing a number of modes such as chocolate, blood and ‘unknown but brown and worrying.’ We see this feature appealing to those who are used to the horrors of reading books borrowed from public libraries.’

‘A further innovation,’ he continued, ‘is the text book application for students where occasional words are underlined for no apparent reason and scribbled rants and comments such as ‘rubbish’, ‘fascist pig’ and ‘don’t forget toilet rolls’ appear in the margins in weird green ink.’

Prototypes of the DE have been a huge success with focus group users, although some appear to have forgotten the principle behind the e-book. One tester was so pleased with the battered and creased DE that he asked for a dozen of them ‘to start his collection off.’

After the DE, Amazon will continue to develop their e-book player. Already in the pipeline is the Kiddie Kindle, a pop up version to create a world of wonder for small children. This will be followed by the adult DE-X model which promises to create a world of shame for older e-readers, with e-books that automatically fall open on ‘the best pages’ of the more erotic chapters, although early prototypes have experienced with occasional sticking.

Categories: Fake News

Government to step in to deal with floods of tax returns

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/01/2014 - 4:55pm

The government has been forced to step in to deal with an expected deluge of millions of last-minute online tax returns on 31 January. Troops will be on standby to ensure phone lines are kept open, and GCHQ will temporarily lift surveillance activities to ensure there are no blockages.

The Taxpayers’ Alliance say it was a disaster waiting to happen, and that HMRC is to blame for dangerously high levels of dredging in company and individual bank accounts. But HMRC has responded by saying the flood was predicted long ago and that people should have taken precautionary measures such as occupying the moral high ground and declaring and paying every penny of potential tax due as early as possible.

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls said he had no sympathy for the victims, saying people should do what he and his wife do and employ an accountant do deal with ‘flipping’ the designation of their various homes long before the deadline, adding that a 50p top tax rate isn’t too bad if you plan things properly.

Chancellor George Osborne simply smirked and said an offshore haven was the obvious way to avoid any flooding at home.

UKIP councillor David Sylvester has blamed the flood of tax returns primarily on the deadly sins sloth and greed, but says unnatural lust has probably distracted people from doing their duty, adding that he will pray for everyone who finds sins of the flesh more interesting than boring paperwork.

Categories: Fake News

Amazon pulls pop-up book following Kindle disasters

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/01/2014 - 5:00am

Popular children’s book ‘Harry The Hippo’s Massive Yawn’ has been withdrawn from sale on download sites following reports that the spectacular pop-up centre-page section, depicting the main character opening his mouth very wide, can cause the screen on some Kindles to shatter.

Dennis Carwardine, who had downloaded the story to his reader, had to return his broken Kindle to the store. ‘The quiet, peaceful and entertaining bedtime story I’d been reading had turned suddenly into a nightmare, with little shards of glass everywhere. Because I couldn’t be sure I’d cleaned up every last one, I had to throw my favourite pyjamas away.’

An Amazon spokesperson commented, ‘The very impressive and highly realistic pop-up section in ‘Massive Yawn’ is too much for some screens, it would appear. So far, the incident has only affected a handful of Kindle Fires, but we are recommending that anyone who has purchased ‘Massive Yawn’ in e-book format should not read past page 15.’

The news has put a stop to several new titles due soon for release in electronic format, including ‘Mary Berry’s Interactive Bake-off’, ‘Sing-along With Jake The Peg’ and ‘Eric Pickles: My life in pictures.’

Categories: Fake News

Town Planners playing Scrabble using Google Earth

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/01/2014 - 4:45am

An investigation is underway after it was discovered that town planners and architects in the Midlands are playing a massive game of Scrabble by constructing letter-shaped buildings to spell out words that can then be identified on Google Earth.

Two years ago, new office and shopping complex in Dudley was praised for its creative use of new materials on a challenging elongated site, where it ‘defined a new relationship between the built environment and external spaces.’ But what nobody realized was that when viewed on Google Earth, the architect had actually spelt out ‘HADDOCK’. The challenge was then on for a rival architect who had been commissioned to build a site directly to the south of this one, incorporating the second ‘D’ from the middle of the word. His team-mates in the local planning department soon gave permission for a new residential development, without revealing that they had successfully spelt out ‘DHAL’ with massive fifty metre letters that had become the homes for hundreds of people.

On being challenged that ‘you can’t have curry dishes as they are not proper English words’, the office responsible explained that ‘Dhal’ was in fact in the Oxford English Dictionary, and was ‘a type of tropical woody herb much cultivated in the tropics’. The large ‘L’-shaped building at the southernmost point of the development necessitated the demolition of a rural school, thereby earning them a triple word score.

It has emerged that after a succesful challenge last year, that ‘you couldn’t have ‘THERMOS’ because it was actually a proper noun’, a new hospital and old people’s care home were demolished as the architects and planners were forced to take their go again.

The officers in Dudley’s Town Planning department who based their decisions on this game of Google Earth Scrabble have now been sacked from their department, but not before they had given the green light to a new City Academy, which joined up to the last letter of HADDOCK and used up their last letters, U, F and C.

Categories: Fake News
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