Fake News

Anti-Punctuation Society pulls out all the stops. More soon.

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/07/2017 - 1:48am

Smart Alex

Categories: Fake News

Trump bans death

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/06/2017 - 4:55pm

While Frederick Douglass has not been up to much in the last century— having been dead for the whole of it— his nonexistence has proved to be merely bureaucratic red-tape in the face of Donald Trump’s assault on tact and good taste.  Having declared the 19th century journalist as alive and well, to a packed room of journalists Trump went on to heal the medically uninsured, walk on Russian urine and turn water into Kool-Aid.

Sadly for Trump, Mr. Douglas quickly admonished the President in a shocking séance interview – held by six junior high-school girls.  One quoted from the newly popularized abolitionist: ‘The ground started shaking, the headstones started cracking, and we heard a faint lilting of alliteration coming through the topsoil.  We immediately stopped being afraid and put our ears to the ground to understand what was being said.  “Declarative defamer of demonstrably dynamic deceased denizens…blah…blah…yada…yada…You orange faced, Motherf$cker!”  Or something like that.  He wasn’t happy, that much was clear.’

What happened next remains debatable but according to the girls, Douglass shook himself clean and grabbed Suzy’s iPhone, then proceeded to record the following message: ‘Now you can refer to me in the present tense you half-wit!  Is that what you want?  The laws of the universe to cater to your utter lack of knowledge of anything in it?  Here I am, you wanted to what?  To say I’m doing a ‘good job?’  I helped end slavery and all you’ve done is increase check-in times at airports!’  The video was cut short due to Suzy having an overload of selfies and ‘The Weeknd’s early stuff’ cluttering her storage.  But the message was clear, bone up on American history or face a Night of the Living Dead scenario.

For Trump, Defeater of Death, this is now just another thing he owns – like Slovenian sex slaves and a large portion of the national debt.  Trump, the man who’s known for knowing no bounds of respect and decency, will now be the poster child of destroying the fundamental fabric of separation between the living and the dead. A spokesman explained that with Mr. Trump’s new appointment to the Supreme Court, you could expect to see a whole series of laws repealed – including Obamacare, Gravity and Murphy’s.

Kelly Ervin
Categories: Fake News

Trump counters global warming with nuclear winter

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/06/2017 - 8:00am

President Trump, speaking through his spokesperson the Mouth of Sauron, has announced a revolutionary plan to deal with Global Warming – ‘if such a thing does exist…which it clearly doesn’t’.

‘But assuming it does – which it doesn’t – but if it did…”Beings” have told the President that a limited nuclear exchange will throw enough particulate up into the atmosphere to block the sun’s rays and cool the earth for years’.

This will reverse any negative effects of Global Warming, if any such effects really do exist: ‘- which they don’t’.  Toward that end the President plans to bait North Korea and Iran, using trade embargos and ‘d$ckpics’.

Sinnick & David Malcolm Rose

Categories: Fake News

Farexit. More soon.

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/06/2017 - 7:21am

Sir Lupus

Categories: Fake News

Reduced Yorkie Bar renamed ‘Middlethorpe’

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/06/2017 - 5:00am

Food giant Nestle have confirmed that York, with a population of 200,000, is a far too large to represent their shrinking chocolate bar and that a more modest hamlet will be chosen for their advertising campaigns.  Likewise other brands – such as Milkybar and Rolos all cutting by 20% – will be rebranded to reflect their dwindling size and shrinking appeal.

Tilman Shneider, customer marketing manager for the Swiss based confectioners said that some of the chocolate bars would be forced to change their slogans while others would need to tweak their image a little.  The original Milkybar Kid, 74 year old grandfather Terry Brooks is to star in a new advert, but instead of the familiar wild-west scene with schoolboy Terry dressed as a cowboy shooting a six-gun, we will see Terry sitting in a rocking chair by an open fire, eating chocolate buttons off his cardigan: ‘Terry will still be able to shout “the Milkybars are on me” but in a post modern, slightly ironic way.

But Schneider reassured chocolate lovers that the Nestle Animal Bar will not need to change in size: ‘The Animal Bar will be fine’ said Schneider….have you ever tasted one…it’s like dog shit, no one is ever going to question what we put in an Animal Bar’.

 

 

Categories: Fake News

Cameron to end ‘postcode lottery’ of postcodes

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/06/2017 - 3:00am

The coalition government has pledged to end the ‘postcode lottery’ of postcode allocation by allowing communities to choose their own postcodes. ‘No longer will people be disadvantaged, or their house prices affected, by the state imposing an alpha-numeric suffix that shows where they live,’ said the Prime Minister yesterday. ‘Why should anyone be denied access to a Mayfair address, just because they happen to live in Peckham?’

A pilot study in Liverpool suggested the policy could help to improve social mobility. In November last year the run-down city district of Kensington changed its postcode from L7 to SW1, and witnessed a small yet significant increase in the number of residents classing themselves as ‘Russian oligarchs’ or ‘trustafarians’. ‘The pad is like, yah, a bit further to Harvey Nicks than I thought,’ said new resident Poppy Lee from her two-up-two-down terraced pied-a-terre next to Costcutter, ‘but then I always go by helicopter anyway.’

However critics pointed out that if other regions followed Liverpool’s lead and reused fashionable postcodes to boost the image of deprived areas, the postal service could descend into chaos.

‘The Royal Mail will just have to cope’ said Mr Cameron. ‘The fact that the entire populate of Burnley wants to live in Wimbledon SW19 7AA is no excuse for poor delivery, and if these enemies of choice mess up, we’ll fine them and pay Haliburton to distribute the post on mopeds instead.

‘Of course there will be teething problems,’ he continued, ‘but we believe passionately that people should have the freedom to choose where they think they should live, even though they could never afford to live there.’

In time the government hopes to extend the model from communities to individual households, giving every home in the country their own personalised postcode. ‘Why not?’ said a postman. ’I’d love to deliver to 10 Downing Street, CO CK5.’

Categories: Fake News

May held Trump ‘artificial hand’ at White House visit

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/05/2017 - 4:55pm

The Donald Trump hand, held by Theresa May on her recent visit to the White House, was probably a prosthetic limb according to a sensational claim by artificial limb experts.  Number 10 has so far refused to comment on the reports. A Conservative party spokesman said that the hand holding symbolised the UK’s ‘very special relationship’ with America and it was irrelevant if the hand holding was: ‘a transradial prosthesis or the real thing’.

A number of observers of the hand-in-hand walk down the White House steps have commented on the awkwardness of the pair’s grip.  White House insiders have suggested that President Trump was wearing a prosthetic hand because of his reluctance to feel a female body. While British commentators are leaking that the story in an attempt to literally distance the Prime Minister from Trump – who she is now finding increasingly embarrassing.

Artificial limb specialists say the artificial limb could in fact be the very latest myoelectric prosthesis, although, if so, Mrs May should have experienced during the hand holding a faint electric shock – something she may have mistaken for her, or Trump’s excitement.  While neither side is willing to admit who started the irritating rash that both leader’s now have.

Counselor to President Trump, Kellyanne Conway, who this week mistakenly cited a massacre that never happened, dismissed ‘alternative facts’ claiming that accusations of false and artificial hands were completely false and artificial. She added: ‘And if he wanted an artificial hand – why would he pick such a small one?’

 

 

Categories: Fake News

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 5:00pm
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