North Korea has announced that it has once again proven the superiority of its socialist system by having its Christmas dinner family argument earlier than any other country in the world. â€˜Great Successorâ€™ Kim Jong-un has â€˜decisively pre-emptedâ€™ any potential disruption or family dissent over the forthcoming festive period by having his uncle Chang Song-thaek executed.
It is understood that the Great Successor was already annoyed by his uncleâ€™s feeble pun of referring to him as ‘young ‘un’ in a cod Yorkshire accent that simply did not work coming from a 67-year-old Asian man with no English. Initially he decided to resolve the issue over who sat next to who at Christmas dinner by unfriending Chang Song-thaek on Facebook. Unfortunately this did not work, because North Korea does not have the internet.
â€˜Uncle Chang continued to undermine his nephewâ€™s position at the head of the table by insisting on carving the turkey himself,â€™ claimed the South Korean foreign ministry. â€˜The final straw came when Chang tried to plan the ultimate Christmas coup dâ€™etat by wresting control of the TV remote. Kim then ordered him to be shot, a plot development he is thought to have gleaned from the trailer for the Christmas Day edition of Eastenders.â€™
Kim continued the purge, later personally telling joyful crowds at the Kim Il Sung Memorial Grotto that Rudolph the red-nosed running dog of imperialist warmongers and bourgeois careerism had been purged from the elite Peoples Reindeer Cadre. â€˜Under interrogation by State Security, Rudolph admitted to using his red nose as a beacon to guide drone attacks onto the collective farms geared to producing a bumper harvest of Brussels sprouts,â€™ he said.
According to official radio, vigilant North Korean citizens have denounced the traitorous Rudolph as a saboteur after the failed launch of the nuclear-powered people’s sleigh, designed, built and piloted by the Great Successor.
The remaining family members of the ruling family are now believed to be drawing lots for the traditional Russian roulette cracker pulling contest with Kim on Christmas Day for fear of him not getting the paper hat, understanding the festive joke or being reminded that he didnâ€™t like the pair of socks they got for him on the black market last Christmas.
A collectivised effort: Irreverend J, from original by Titus, with contribution by Blokefromstoke
â€˜This was a shameful crime,â€™ said Justice Neville Norbury, jailing a prince for kissing a young girl, who had been in a coma for more than 15 years following an industrial injury involving spinning machinery. The girl, who cannot be named for legal reasons, regained consciousness immediately after the assault.
â€˜The girlâ€™s coincidental arousal from her coma is no mitigation,â€™ continued the judge. â€˜Indeed, the fact that she was not yet 16 and clearly has mental health issues, since she claims to want to marry him, makes the offence all the more despicable.â€™
The prince may also face even more serious charges of vandalising a Site of Special Scientific Interest, breaking and entering a listed building and killing a protected species of dragon. At present, he is reported to be in the showers at HMP Belmarsh, where he has been told that â€˜heâ€™s behind youâ€™.
The UK Foreign Office has advised all members of the Fellowship of the Ring not to travel to Russia, where new laws based on the belief that sexual orientation is determined by early exposure to fantasy novels, it is feared, may soon extend to â€˜fruity wizardsâ€™, â€˜effete elvesâ€™ and â€˜dwarves in sailor suitsâ€™.
â€˜British literary heroes have long been sending subliminal messages to the resolute peoples of Russia to grasp Harry Potterâ€™s wand and come out of the Narnia closet,â€™ stated the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs, which has made clear its preference for â€˜butchâ€™ Nazguls and their â€˜utterly heterosexualâ€™ ring fixation.
A spokesman said: â€˜Whilst we respect Sir Ian McKellenâ€™s right to mince around the Shire, the Russian Federation is staunchly behind muscular orcs. With their strong green arms, flowing matted locks and come-to-bed squint, they embody Russian family values.â€™ As yet, President Vladimir Putin has refused to get drawn on the Dumbledore debate, in part due to his cameo role in the films as Dobby the House Elf.
The 22-year union between Lionel and Marjorie Alwyn was reportedly under threat last night, as it emerged that Mr Alwyn had declined their traditional festive sexual congress and asked â€˜for the money insteadâ€™.
â€˜Well what was I supposed to say?â€™ said an outraged Mrs Alwyn, who had been led to believe that her festive fur-trimmed stockings and saucy Santa hat had been hitting the spot since the Berlin Wall came down. â€˜And it wasnâ€™t just that he was turning down a few hours of nookie with me in favour of some money in an envelope. It was that he only gave it a transferable value of twenty-five quid.â€™
Lionel was quick to defend his actions, citing the need to keep things fresh in a long-term relationship. â€˜She was never this chewy when I asked if we could take a break from exchanging M&S pants last year,â€™ claimed Mr Alwyn, who insists he chose not to take offence when his wife requested the receipt for last yearâ€™s garden herb-themed oven-mitt/apron combo.
â€˜She claims Iâ€™m not as up for it as I used to be, but thatâ€™s just not fair. Only last week I told her that the moment Walsall lift that cup, Iâ€™ll be at her like mildew on grout.â€™
But Marjorie was determined last night that her husbandâ€™s slight was not going to ruin Christmas. â€˜Perhaps Lionelâ€™s got a point and we should mix it up a bit this Christmas,â€™ she said. â€˜So when I open the same John Lewis voucher Iâ€™ve been getting every year since we married, I will have a radiant smile on my face. Not least because Iâ€™ll be imagining the saucy drawers theyâ€™ll buy me to give his golf buddy Roger a welcome change from his customary Old Spice gift set.â€™
15 December 2009
England football manager Roy Hodgson has welcomed Uruguayâ€™s decision to allow the cultivation, possession and personal use of marijuana as a potential boost to England’s seemingly forlorn hope of qualifying from a tough group in the World Cup and going on to lose on penalties to Portugal in the knock-out stages.
England has never beaten the middle income South American nation with a population almost 9% of its own, but expectations are high within the English FA that, with six months for the Uruguayan team to acclimatise to the new regime, all their players will turn up in Sao Paulo on 19 June completely off their muscular tits.
‘We’ve developed a whole new set of tactics around how we expect them to play,’ enthused Hodgson. ‘For the first half they could well be staring at the lights changing on ad hoardings, pointing at things and giggling. I see their midfield looking up at the ball at it goes on Route 1 from our goalmouth to theirs and falling over backwards like penguins as it whistles overhead.’
FA Chairman Greg Dyke, accompanying Hodgson, smilingly replaced his ‘cut-throat’ gesture when the draw was made by miming inhaling deeply and slumping down in his chair looking ‘chilled’. Morale in the England camp, Dyke said, is now â€˜sky high, manâ€™.
‘Then if they could come back at us in the second half,’ cautioned Hodgson, ‘we’ll be watching closely to see when the giggling stops and will need to adjust our game plan again. We’ll run the ball up to the defence, stop, distract them with a bag of Monster Munch, get round behind them, back of the net. Super.â€™
Research is still going on into the likely effects of the new laws on Uruguayâ€™s main threat, Luis Suarez. Some believe that he will stop playing and start a commune in the stands, while others fear that he will be more effective than ever if he outruns Kyle Walker in an aimless sprint toward the corner flag while impersonating a cockerel and then invites Ashley Cole for group sex with his wife.
Hodgson added that he will take it one game at a time but if England get a result against Uruguay, anything is possible. â€˜A lot depends on Wayne Rooney keeping his toes out of trouble, Jack Wilshere not smoking anything at all, oh, and Joe Hart getting his confidence back by taking a shitload of cocaine.’