Fake News

[video] The Onion Looks Back At 'Citizen Kane'

Onion - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 11:40am
The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal looks back at 'Citizen Kane' in this week's Film Standard

Categories: Fake News

Statshot: Most Common Food Allergies

Onion - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 10:40am
Most Common Food Allergies

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Woman A Leading Authority On What Shouldn’t Be In Poor People’s Grocery Carts

Onion - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 10:15am
NORTHAMPTON, MA—With her remarkable ability to determine exactly how others should be allocating their limited resources for food, local woman Carol Gaither is considered to be one of the foremost authorities on what poor people should and should no...

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Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops

Onion - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 9:45am
VATICAN CITY—Numerous onlookers confirmed that His Holiness Pope Francis could be seen Thursday sprinting along the Holy See’s rooftops, darting between the chimneys and marble sculptures of the apostles atop St. Peter’s Basilica

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Curious David Ortiz Wondering What Happens To Players After They Retire

Onion - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 9:00am
BOSTON—Speculating there is “a big clubhouse way up at the top of the sky,” Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz reportedly expressed his curiosity Thursday over what happens to players after they retire.

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Brazil denies all knowledge of hosting Olympic Games in 2016

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 8:00am

IOC Vice-President John Coates has told delegates at an Olympic Forum in Sydney that officials in the 2016 host city Rio de Janeiro have claimed to know nothing about the games being held there in a little over 2 year’s time.

‘Our IOC delegation to Rio couldn’t believe the lack of progress,’ said Coates, ‘practically nothing has been done, and when we spoke to the head of the Brazilian Games Organising Committee he told me he ‘didn’t know anything about any Olympics’ and asked if we were sure we had got the right city. When I pressed him further he said ‘no, you mean the World Cup, yes come and see our stadiums’ but when I said it was the Olympic Games stadiums we had come to see he pretended he couldn’t speak English and just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘no speaka da eenglish, you like girls? I get you girls no problem’.’

The Olympic Committee is now sounding out London about possibly hosting the Olympics for a second time after the success of 2012 although the initial talks aren’t going too well, conceded Coates. ‘I asked Boris Johnson about it and all he would say was; ‘what? Olympics? when did that happen? Do you like girls? I can get you girls’.’


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American Voices: Study: Lab Mice Stressed Out By Male Scientists

Onion - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 8:00am
A new study has found that laboratory mice and rats experience more stress in the presence of male researchers than they do with female researchers.

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Nigel Farage rules himself out of new Star Wars movie

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 5:15am

Despite ‘not actually’ auditioning for Episode VII, the MEP for South East England has taken pre-emptive steps to obviate any possibility of him starring in the latest Star Wars blockbuster.

Political commentators had assumed the latest film in the franchise would star Mr. Farage purely because ‘he seemed to be appearing in everything else at the moment’, but also because he had earlier declared to a packed pub that Mos Eisley had become inundated with immigrants, and was now little more than a ‘wretched hive of scum and villainy’.

Mr, Farage is already on the record expressing his ‘concern’ that humble Tatooine farmers were becoming disposed by Polish-speaking Sandmen and cheap Bulgarian Jawas. Despite evidence pointing towards Stormtrooper involvement, he is convinced the deaths of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were caused by cheap EU droid imports, with malfunctioning ‘motivators’.

Lucasfilm executives have indicated that ‘no formal approach’ had been made to Mr. Farage, but confirmed Ed Milliband would reprise his role as Jar Jar Binks. Meanwhile Mr. Farage says he will also not stand in Newark by-election despite Tory MP Patrick Mercer being barred from Parliament – having been caught during a Commons debate saying ‘…these aren’t the questions you’re looking for’. An assistant to Director JJ Abrams is quoted as saying: ‘While we don’t know who Mr. Farage is, we do acknowledge he clearly lives in galaxy far far away.’

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Singapore introduces death penalty for use of irony

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/01/2014 - 2:32am

The Singapore government has announced plans to impose the death penalty for anyone caught using a sense of irony within its hallowed borders. Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong delivered a patriotic speech on national television in which the new measures were announced. One watching journalist commented ‘Oh that’s really going to work, that is’, and was immediately led away by police.

Mr Loong pointed to a decline in national well being, mental health and respect for authority as a direct result of imported irony. ‘Protecting our citizens from moral decline and the evils of drug abuse has only dealt with part of a much larger problem’. There will also be long prison sentences for ‘satirical exaggeration or overstatement’ and ‘raising an eyebrow in a knowing way.’ Later in the day the leader of the opposition appeared to go further, suggesting that anyone ‘suspected of over-emphasizing one word to suggest that they didn’t really mean what they were saying’, be publicly flogged and then chopped into small pieces, although it might be that he was simply satirizing the Prime Minister’s firm stance, which of course would have made him eligible for execution himself.

Singapore has traditionally taken a firm stance on matters of law and order and respect for authority, but there are fears that they provoke international condemnation if they go ahead and execute people for being ironic in a public place. ‘I mean, durr! Like talk about making Genghis Khan seem liberal’ said one local who wished to remain anonymous. Plus there is the problem of the inadvertent ironies of life; ‘For example, will you be prosecuted if you go to a singles night and get sat opposite your ex-wife?’ asked one observer.

However the Prime Minister himself appears to be under pressure after allegations that he gave a little wink at the end of his Press Conference, suggesting that the whole announcement might be some sort of ironic wind up. ‘It was not an ironic wink, he just had something in his eye’ said a spokesman from his office. However Singapore police are now studying footage of the subtle wink, and may yet bring charges. Or maybe just pretend to arrest him and then say ‘Had you going there for a while.’


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Fit-For-Work tests to be conducted by killer robot

News Biscuit - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 3:58pm

Following the departure of Atos, the Department for Work and Pensions has awarded the contract for conducting Work Capability Assessments to ‘Benefits Enforcement Droid’ model IDS-209.

The droid, manufactured by Omni Consumer Products, was originally intended for law enforcement and is armed with three auto cannons, one auto shotgun and a rocket launcher.

‘Yes, technically it is a killer robot,’ said DWP minister Esther McVey, ‘but IDS-209 has been programmed to use its weapons in only the most extreme circumstances. So long as everyone complies with its requests there really shouldn’t be any problems.’

In future, applicants will be expected to sit before the droid, who will scan their benefits claim. If IDS-209 is in any way dissatisfied with the application, it will make the request: ‘Please withdraw your claim. You have 20 seconds to comply.’ At this point, faced with an arsenal of lethal weaponry pointing directly at them, most claimants are expected to then drop their claim and go home.

However, critics of the scheme have pointed to early trials of the droid in which a number of applicants did as requested and withdrew their claims, but were then faced with the message: ‘You have 10 seconds to comply…,’ then, ‘You have 5 seconds to comply,’ before IDS-209 opened fire and blew them out of the window.

‘Of course these incidents are regrettable,’ said Ms McVey, ‘but if we ignore the human tragedy and look at it in purely monetary terms then this droid is already paying for itself.’

The droid’s designer, Dr McNamara has admitted that IDS-209 does have some limitations. ‘It has weak logic circuits and it cannot process information very quickly,’ he said. ‘Also, it has no concept of compassion or human empathy, which is probably why it was awarded the contract in the first place.’

IDS-209 will be rolled out from next month and will also be making house calls. ‘It still has trouble getting through doorways,’ said Ms McVey, ‘so for the time being it will be entering people’s homes by smashing through the outside wall and conducting its assessments amid the rubble. Needless to say, if anyone tries to run away it only goes to show they are fit for work.’

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American Voices: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher Return For New ‘Star Wars’ Film

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 3:00pm
After concealing the cast from fans, director J.J. Abrams finally announced this week that Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Carrie Fisher will be returning for the new Star Wars film in their roles as Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia.

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Infographic: The Arguments For And Against Capital Punishment

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 2:10pm
Here are the leading arguments for and against the death penalty

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Dad Knows Guy At Work Whose Son Plays Triple-A

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 2:00pm
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Noting that the topic has been brought up at dinner several times this week, household sources confirmed Tuesday that local father Adam Pitzer works with a guy whose son plays Triple-A baseball.

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Unemployed Man Vows To Wake Up Early, Finish Watching Movie

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 1:00pm
SANTA FE, NM—Claiming that he was simply too exhausted to give the film the attention it deserved at such a late hour, local unemployed man Colin Yarbrough, 25, reportedly vowed Tuesday night to wake up bright and early the next morning and finish w...

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Thousands Of College Football Players Expected To Play Through Season With Broken NCAA System

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 12:30pm
INDIANAPOLIS—Asserting that the tenacious athletes are prepared to tough it out just as they have in recent years, officials confirmed Wednesday that thousands of collegiate football players are expected to play through the upcoming season with a ba...

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New Census Report Reveals U.S. Has Over 316 Million Nobodies

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 12:00pm
WASHINGTON—Drawing on data gathered during the most recent decennial survey of the American populace, the U.S.

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Carlos Santana Surprises Wife With Coupon For Free 45-Minute Guitar Solo

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 11:00am
LAS VEGAS—In a spontaneous romantic gesture by the 10-time Grammy Award winner, guitarist Carlos Santana presented his wife, Cindy Blackman, with a handmade coupon redeemable for a complimentary 45-minute guitar solo Wednesday, sources confirmed.

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American Voices: Fox Announces ‘Grease’ Live TV Musical For 2015

Onion - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 8:00am
Fox has announced that the network is planning to air a live version of the hit 1978 musical Grease in 2015.

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Tube strike a massive bonus for those ‘starved of human contact’

News Biscuit - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 7:35am

Many tube commuters have admitted to unnecessarily increasing the length of their journeys to take advantage of the exquisitely intimate conditions caused by the strike on the London transport network over the past 24 hours.

Long queues formed on the platforms to participate in the hot, frenetic action every time the doors opened to admit revellers onto the trains or onto the alternate transport, openly referred to as ‘the Boris bendy bus’ after ‘he of eerie appetite’.

‘I am forever indebted to Bob Crowe for the most sexually gratifying experience I could get without risking a criminal charge,’ explained Paul, a startlingly unattractive individual from Salisbury and a Whitehall middle manager admitted, ‘Normally when I rub myself forcibly against junior staff at work, I run the risk of being accused of bullying or harassment,’ he explained. ‘Here though, it’s terrific as everyone just seems to get on with the fun.’

The strike has been welcomed ‘with open arms’ by, among others, psychologists, sex-therapists and S&M enthusiasts. Some admitted to being lured by the promise of ‘action’ from the ‘RMT Union’, which was widely misunderstood to be an unnatural but perversely exciting underground movement. But there are those who view the behaviour as ‘misguided’. ‘Some of these people are looking for love in all the wrong places’, explained an Underground engineer. ‘The Northern Line can be a cruel mistress, even at the best of times’.

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UKIP to build new Headquarters with bricks sent in post

News Biscuit - Wed, 04/30/2014 - 4:30am

UKIP today announced plans to leave their current headquarters in Devon and move to a new, purpose-built head office in London. This proposal, originally scheduled for 2020, has been moved forward thanks to the thousands of bricks sent to their Freepost address during the European Election Campaign.

“I’m utterly delighted with the country’s support for our idea,” UKIP Leader Nigel Farage said today. “Thanks to their generous donations of bricks, we now have enough for a four-storey building on a brownfield site we have identified in Central London. Work will start as soon as we can persuade our members to have anything to do with something brown.”

Architectural plans for the building are unavailable at this time, but UKIP promise a design in keeping with their ethos and values. Mr. Farage was coy on the style of the building, but assured it would be memorable. “This will be a return to the great days of British design, echoing immense citizens such as Brunel and Wren. I’m also pleased to say it will be environmentally friendly – as along with bricks, we have also received enough excrement to coat the entire building in wattle and daub.”


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