Fake News

Hells Angels ruin bank holiday as tea shops run out of fairy cakes

News Biscuit - Mon, 05/04/2015 - 7:00am

Rural England is ‘in revolt’ today over the growing menace of marauding chapters of Hells Angels, descending on tea-shops and eating all the cakes.

‘Satan’ Smith, from the Bishop-Stortford chapter admitted, ‘I am rather partial to a cream tea and do tend to pig out a bit at Carol Hopkin’s Tea Emporium. I just wish she would have enough fresh scones and cream on nice days. You have to turn up early.’ ‘Knuckles’ Harmer had to concur, ‘You really can’t beat Carol’s Victoria sponge, and I do like her use of doilies with proper crockery’.

Residents of Corfe and Worth Matravers have started a petition ‘Save our Tea Shops from the Motorcycle Menace’. A spokesman explained, ‘You hear a terrifying roar in the distance, but by then it is already too late. Within five minutes you have all these burly, leather-clad men swarming everywhere, being frightfully polite and cleaning you out of French fancies. We are then left having to face all of these irksome walkers in their cagoules, complaining because there is nothing left.

Yvette Simpkins, 52, from Eastleigh, folded her aubergine cagoule waspishly, ‘They are a plague of locusts. They should bring their own bloody lunch.’

Categories: Fake News

Royal couple ‘not sure what they did with the other one’

News Biscuit - Mon, 05/04/2015 - 4:00am

A proud Prince William stood on the steps outside Kensington Palace holding the new Royal baby and thanked everyone for their kind wishes and thoughts.

The heir to the throne expressed his joy at becoming a father for the second time but when asked by wellwishers how their first child was coping he had to admit he couldn’t remember for sure what they had done with it but it was probably around here somewhere.

He said he vaguely remembers handing it over to some sort of nurse or maybe it was a bursar or a valet or gamekeeper or something just after the first photo op but couldn’t honestly say exactly where the Prince (or was it a Princess) was being kept right now.

Prince William said he wasn’t duly concerned about the child’s whereabouts and said he/she would probably turn up again in about 17 or 18 years time ‘demanding their own castle or shire or whatever teenagers of that age bang on about’ quipped the Prince.

Categories: Fake News

Elton John plays tribute song as nation mourns death of Brown’s premiership

News Biscuit - Mon, 05/04/2015 - 2:00am

Following days of round the clock news reporting on the worsening state of health of Gordon Brown’s tenure as leader of a once great nation, David Dimbleby announced yesterday that the premiership had finally died. Books of condolence have been opened around the country, and ranks of carefully placed cellophane-wrapped bouquets are accumulating on the steps of Labour clubs up and down the land. Elton John will lead the mourners by playing a re-worded version of The Stranglers classic Golden Brown.

As the prime ministerial cortege proceeded solemnly from Downing Street to the leadership’s final resting place in Kirkcaldy this morning, thousands of weeping citizens lined the route, throwing flowers at the cars.

It is understood the corpse will be subject to a thorough autopsy by members of the press over a period of several days, and will then lie in state for a further period before being buried by the next major story to come along.

Onlookers were shocked when, as the motorcade gathered speed on Finchley Road on its way north, a person identified only as ‘Mandy’ threw herself in front of the lead car, wailing that her life was no longer worth living. However, by doing so when the motorcade was still quarter of a mile away, she left plenty of time to be dragged away, and observers say it was probably a cry for help.

Mr Dimbleby said the occasion marked another break with the country’s stiff upper lipped past, when a premiership would simply die quickly and be taken away in a removal van as the new one came in the front door, and wondered if this was a sign of a sea change, whatever that might mean.

The Queen will be asked to asked to explain a breach of Royal Protocol the like of which has not been seen for years. Instead of flying the Union Flag at half mast, as has been agreed for such occasions, the Palace was festooned with bunting and shrieks of laugher were heard as those inside were reported to be gearing up for a massive celebration. Reports of sightings of Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg arriving at the door with bottles of champagne have been denied.

10th May 2010

Categories: Fake News

Labour explains ‘tablet of stone’ plans for the Dawn of Miliband

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/03/2015 - 3:55pm

Ed Miliband caught the public imagination in Hastings yesterday by unveiling an eight foot stone slab, carved with some words and his signature. The monolith contains all six of Ed’s Ten Commandments.

A spokesman explained, ‘We felt that the ubiquity of the internet and digital records of every word uttered and each hard stare were insufficient testament to the Labour party’s ability to keep a promise. The choice of font in CAPSLOCK, reflects how he passionately believes in these abstract statements, and how they cannot be quantified.

‘We are most proud of our first pledge’ he went on, ‘as rubble is a pretty solid foundation.’

He admitted that the party faithful were rather irked that they had to drop the ‘hard’ from the second promise about ‘hard-working families’, but explained that ‘Frankly we didn’t want to alienate those who hadn’t already defected to the Tories in the hope of tax cuts if they did work hard.’

One of the most dearly-held pledges, he claimed, is number three on the list. ‘While we haven’t promised to deliver an NHS that is functional in the sense of actually healing the sick, we will at least pledge to be more caring about it. Specifically we will set ‘concerned face’ targets and ensure that staff have time set aside to be mindful about caring. We are planning to call this a ‘comfort break’, and mandate that staff be allowed at least one of these per 8-hour shift.

‘We are particularly smug about our fourth pledge, of controls on immigration, as we needn’t even say where, never mind what, to evoke a warm feeling in the breast of every right-thinking wavering UKIP supporter. Of course we actually mean the Scottish border, but no-one has asked.’

He was happy to skip over the fifth, as it is ‘refers to at least four terms hence, three in deprived areas with a high degree of teenage pregnancy.’

The sixth and final pledge, he explained, is about building, ‘starting with a cenotaph in the Downing Street Garden.’

Ministerial code-breakers are trying to fathom how the eight foot headstone, bearing Ed’s signature, can be installed in the Downing Street garden without becoming an enormous trip-hazard. ‘We need to take into account that Ed Balls may need to bash away at the monolith with thigh bones and other rudimentary tools.’

Categories: Fake News

Tesco to attract ‘better class of customer’ with Waitrose price-match

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/03/2015 - 4:19am

Tesco bosses have announced a new price-match promotion which they hope will attract a ‘better class of affluent customer’ into their stores. The price-match with Waitrose will guarantee that no equivalent product in Tesco is ever sold cheaper than Waitrose. Should a promotion or a pricing mistake accidentally undercut a Waitrose price the customer can rest assured that the difference will automatically be deducted from their card.

For customers who are still unsure about whether the quality of the Tesco product matches up to the Waitrose version, customers will be offered a sheet of self-adhesive stickers to attach to the products as they walk around the store. These will include black circles to cover over the ’2 for 1 special offer’ markings on packets and word/phrase stickers including ‘Premium’, ‘Finest’, ‘Gluten Free’, and ‘Duchy Organic’ that can be attached as appropriate onto any product in the store.

‘We are also working on increasing the number of badly-parked BMW 4x4s that we have in our car parks, but this may take a little longer’, a spokesman added.

Categories: Fake News

Cut-off Nepalese villages still unaware Kate has had girl, say Red Cross

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/02/2015 - 3:55pm

Many remote villages in the worst hit areas of Nepal remain cut off and completely unaware that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby girl, according to the International Red Cross. Aid agencies have confirmed that thousands of people in Nepal’s middle hills and isolated western towns have still to be reached by rescue teams and given the news of the Royal baby.

‘With each passing day we reach more villages’, says aid worker Dr Willy Ackerman. ‘When the villagers see the helicopters they rush to us and demand to know whether Kate has given birth yet. Only when they have been given the latest news do they begin to unload the medicine, drinking water and food. They can then finally start planning their parties in what is left of their streets’.

Efforts to rescue and recover those buried deep beneath collapsed buildings have been placed on immediate hold, which will enable workers to focus instead on re-establishing a reliable TV signal for BBC News 24. Aid officials are hoping to have the channel streaming a loop of Kate leaving the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s any time soon.

Rescue workers hope that in the next few days they will reach all but the most remote villages in the region and be able to spread the news of the Royal baby. ‘Hopefully it won’t be too late’, added Ackerman ‘Nepalese people are tough and used to living in extreme circumstances but it’s the not knowing that can kill you. On the plus side Nepalese prayer flags also work wonderfully well as bunting’.

Categories: Fake News

Article: Pinwheeling, Out-Of-Control Horse Crashes Into Kentucky Derby Stands

Onion - Sat, 05/02/2015 - 11:44am
LOUISVILLE, KY—In one of the biggest tragedies to ever befall the 141-year-old event, more than a dozen spectators were reportedly injured and the Kentucky Derby was temporarily delayed Saturday after a pinwheeling, out-of-control horse crashed into the stands.

Categories: Fake News

Man who shared ‘money making secrets’ online shocked as competitors flood market

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/02/2015 - 4:40am

Local man Ken Young was devastated last night after the bottom suddenly fell out of his work-from-home industry.

Young was earning around £700,000 a year, working from home with just his laptop, in some kind of unskilled position that needed no training. In an apparent act of philanthropy, or a misguided attempt at recruiting business partners, Young went online to tell millions of complete strangers his secret. Shortly after posting on multiple web sites ‘The Home Working Secrets They Don’t Want You To Know’, Young suddenly found his fortunes took a nose dive. With barriers to entry low, suddenly millions of competitors flooded into the same market that Young had previously had all to himself.

It was a mistake anyone could make, says business analyst Gina Sharpe, author of Don’t Tell Anyone My Secret Formula Will You, a business bible that is the talk of Wall Street and currently top of the New York Times best Sellers list. “Which of us, on discovering a lucrative niche that nobody else is on, but which requires no great skill, could resist the temptation to share the news with all our competitors?” says Sharpe. But Sharpe has some counter intuitive advice that top businessmen have known for years. “If you give your secrets away, they ain’t valuable any more,” says the tough talking broad. What does she mean by that? All will be explained in her follow up book: The Business Secret They Tried To Hush Up.

Experts are now questioning what made Ken Young make this terrible strategic mistake. “I was onto such a good thing. I found a company that would pay me hundreds of thousands of pounds for a repetitive task that needed no great skill or effort. I suppose it went to my head and I thought I was untouchable,” says Young.

He soon discovered how transient success can be. But he remains philosophical. He has a book coming out and Hugh Grant is set to play him in a heart-warming British comedy from Handmade Films. As one door closes another doors opens, and recently Ken Young was appointed to a top post that could see him pulling the levers of the economy. He’s going to be an advisor to Ed Balls.

Categories: Fake News

Maverick headteachers kidnap Ofsted

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/02/2015 - 4:16am

Following complaints from the National Union of Whinging Heads that Ofsted is suppressing ‘maverick’ tendencies, an elite squad of maverick headteachers has taken ‘assertive action’ against the education regulator.

‘We’re trained to work behind enemy lines, living off the land’, explained one maverick, who goes under the name ‘Red Leader’ (not his real name, which is Mr Wilberforce). ‘I was on recon, so I disguised myself as an Ofsted inspector to gain entry to their headquarters. You don’t think about the danger when you’re on a mission.

‘Blue Troop was in position outside, armed to the teeth with biros and calculators. After taking out their comms networks – I unplugged the phone – I gave the signal and Blue Troop entered the building, using speed aggression and surprise as well as Malcolm Knowles’ Andragogy Theory of Adult Learning.

‘We rounded up all the Direct Instruction fanatics we could identify and herded them into the basement. Some of the boys wanted to cull them on the spot, but we’re mavericks, not animals, so we organised a workshop on Student-Centred Learning instead. After an hour the scum were begging for death’.

The siege only ended when an Ofsted inspector slipped out of his handcuffs and managed to ring a bell. Realising it was already well after 3.30, the maverick headteachers sprinted for their cars and fled the scene.

Categories: Fake News

David Cameron’s hair pledges to leave UK if Labour wins

News Biscuit - Fri, 05/01/2015 - 3:55pm

With less than a week to polling day, David Cameron’s hair has weighed into the general election campaign by threatening to pull up its roots and emigrate if the Labour party wins on 7 May. ‘Under this Conservative-led government, what we have seen from David Cameron’s hair is recovery from recession and a return to growth,’ said George Osborne today. ‘It’s been a miraculous turnaround. Figures show our prime minister now has the fastest-growing head of hair in Europe.’

Cameron’s tresses have rarely been out of the spotlight in recent times. UKIP leader Nigel Farage recently accused the prime minister of dying his hair, or ‘blacking-up’, and last year Lino Carbosiero, David Cameron’s hairdresser, was awarded an MBE for services to biological implausibility.

‘There’s no doubt Mr Cameron and his hair have grown apart over recent years – the savage cuts certainly haven’t helped,’ said celebrity hairstylist Nicky Clarke. ‘But there’s still a connection there, and although his parting has veered from right to left depending which way the political winds have been blowing, he has never been completely exposed.’

But Labour has dismissed the threat from David Cameron’s coiffure as a gimmick. ‘What we’ve seen from the prime minister is a widening gap between front and back,’ said Ed Miliband. ‘As always David Cameron is heavy on style and light on substance. I think voters should allow his hair to finish what it’s started.’

In unrelated news, David Miliband left the country in 2013 ‘just in case’.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: School District Served Meat From 2009, Hid Stench With Gravy

Onion - Fri, 05/01/2015 - 12:28pm
According to a report from a local ABC affiliate, a school district in Tennessee thawed out pork frozen since 2009 and served it to students, smothering it in gravy to mask its stench and “give it a better taste.” What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Top Prom Trends For 2015

Onion - Fri, 05/01/2015 - 11:11am
Prom season is a time for high school students to plan elaborate proposals, shop for fashionable formalwear, and arrange blowout events in the effort to make prom a night to remember. Here are this year’s most popular prom trends

Categories: Fake News

Mothershould: Show Off Your Unique Mommy Style With A Handmade Wicker Car Seat

Onion - Fri, 05/01/2015 - 10:00am
On Mothershould, Grace Manning-Devlin spotlights some trendy shabby chic car seats that put style first.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Archaeologists Discover First Hominid To Own Tools But Never Use Them

Onion - Fri, 05/01/2015 - 9:23am
KANJERA, KENYA—In a groundbreaking find that provides new insight into early human behavior, a group of archaeologists from the Smithsonian Institute announced the discovery Friday of the first known hominid to own tools but never use them.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

Onion - Fri, 05/01/2015 - 9:03am
WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: ‘Avengers’ Sequel Picks Up Where First Film’s Profits Left Off

Onion - Fri, 05/01/2015 - 8:28am
Promising that the sequel would continue to follow the impressive feats of an incredible group of revenue streams, executives at Marvel Studios confirmed Friday that Avengers: Age Of Ultron picks up right where the first film’s profits left off.

Categories: Fake News
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