Fake News

Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause

Onion - Tue, 04/05/2016 - 7:51am

LUTSEN, MN—According to witnesses, local mother Deborah Miller, 49, apologized to her family profusely Monday for going through the natural biological process of menopause. “Gosh, I am so sorry—I know it’s cold in here, but I’m having a hot flash,” said Miller as she cracked open a window in the den, fanned herself with a nearby magazine while her husband and two sons watched television, and repeatedly asked them for forgiveness for her ovaries ceasing to release eggs and her decreased estrogen production, physical and chemical changes that happen to every woman during her lifetime and over which Miller has no control. “I really hope I’m not bothering anyone. This won’t last long, I promise. Sorry, sorry.” Sources added that Miller later apologized softly to no one in particular for the perfectly normal stage of life when she stepped on several loud floorboards late ...

Categories: Fake News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 5, 2016

Onion - Tue, 04/05/2016 - 7:49am

Categories: Fake News

You Don’t Get To Be As Old As I Am Without Knowing A Few Things About Basic Shapes And Colors

Onion - Tue, 04/05/2016 - 7:01am

I’ve seen it all in my time. Been a lot of places, done a lot of things. Had my share of scrapes here and there, too. Those experiences taught me so much more than I ever could have imagined and shaped me into who I am today, the kind of person who just knows right away what’s red, what’s orange, that circles are round—all that stuff. Yeah, you might say that where basic shapes and colors are concerned, I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

Kinda comes with the territory for a guy my age.

Eighteen months is a long road to travel. It changes you. At first, I had no idea what a square was. Now, when I see one, I just point to it and say, “Square!” Easy. Same goes for triangles, hearts, stars—the whole shebang. You hand me ...

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Tech Company Develops Chewable Coffee

Onion - Tue, 04/05/2016 - 6:58am

San Francisco tech company Nootrobox has developed a product called Go Cubes, a chewable tablet made of cold brew coffee containing 50 milligrams of caffeine. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Tips For Male Bonding

Onion - Tue, 04/05/2016 - 6:53am
  • Show them you care. Always maintain steady, intimate eye contact while bumping chests.
  • To get any new buddies up to speed, compile a PowerPoint presentation of consensus choices for famous actresses you and the guys would most like to have sex with.
  • Take time out of each day to admire and appreciate each other’s workbench setup.
  • Slap some steaks on the grill and see who wants theirs rarest in an elaborate game of chicken.
  • Don’t be afraid to really open up and share your feelings about how that last penalty call was bullshit.

Categories: Fake News

Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 6:00pm

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. “Man, I wish I could watch tonight, but there are four different exams I have to prepare for this week,” said Wright, adding that he will only be able to periodically check the game’s score on his phone while cramming all night for senior forward Brice Johnson’s human physiology exam. “I might stream it on my laptop during the second half just to have it on in the background, but I’ll probably be too busy trying to memorize equations for the stats test [small forward] Justin Jackson has on Wednesday to even pay attention to ...

Categories: Fake News

Kevin McCloud ‘cupped me and gave me intimate massage’, says unsuccessful housebuilder

News Biscuit - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 3:52pm

A 44-year-old man from Kent who has spent the last 5 years building his dream home has told how he had his testicles held and gooch gently teased by the hand of Grand Designs presenter, Kevin McCloud.

‘We were at that point in the programme where Kevin sits you down and delights in finding out how much you’ve spent,’ said Colin Mahoney, the owner.

However, in a build that had gone way over budget and three years past its deadline, the self-builder seemed reluctant to disclose any financial details to the show’s host. ‘I knew it was coming so when he finally popped the question, I told him to piss off and stop being so bloody nosey!’

But the mercurial McCloud took the rebuff in his stride, stood up, walked across the polished marble floor (with his shoes still on) and nestled himself next to Colin on his £300,000 sofa.

‘When he put his arm around me and fixed me with a point-blank stare, I knew I was in trouble. But it was when he put his hand between my legs, his middle and ring fingers round my balls, while his index and little fingers caressed my perineum that I felt obliged to tell him everything,’ said a beaten Colin.

This is now the second incident involving a presenter of a housebuild show as only last week it was revealed that Nick Knowles, the dirty sod, stuck his finger up a homeowner’s bum after he failed to show the slightest bit of emotion at even the most persistent of questioning by Knowles.

Both incidents have been referred to the TV ombudsman but can be seen on Gogglebox this Friday at 9pm.

Categories: Fake News

Panama Papers Reveal Widespread Tax Evasion

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 1:52pm

Over 11.5 million leaked files dubbed the “Panama Papers” reveal that the world’s wealthy elites are hiding money in offshore accounts to evade taxation, a leak that implicates the prime minister of Iceland, the president of Ukraine, and Vladimir Putin, among others. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Panama Papers Reveal Widespread Tax Evasion

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 1:52pm

Over 11.5 million leaked files dubbed the “Panama Papers” reveal that the world’s wealthy elites are hiding money in offshore accounts to evade taxation, a leak that implicates the prime minister of Iceland, the president of Ukraine, and Vladimir Putin, among others. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 1:28pm

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op. “As soon as Ted Cruz touched the cow, this yellow, lumpy fluid started oozing out of its udders,” said eyewitness Sarah Verdin, adding that the heifer appeared to be perfectly healthy and had been producing fresh white milk just moments earlier when the owner of the farm demonstrated how to handle the teats. “The cow was bellowing and stomping the whole time; it was clearly in distress. And the longer he tried milking it, the thicker and chunkier the milk came out. They even brought him a second cow to try and ...

Categories: Fake News

What You Need To Know About The Women’s Soccer Equal Pay Controversy

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 1:01pm
Members of the U.S. women’s national soccer team recently filed a formal complaint accusing the U.S. Soccer Federation of gender-based wage discrimination. Here’s what you need to know.

Q: Do players on the U.S. men’s and women’s national soccer teams earn the same amount?
A: Women earn 42 percent more adoration and national pride than their male counterparts.

Q: Why aren’t wages on the women’s team equal to those on the men’s team?
A: The arbitrary justification of pay inequity is a man’s game.

Q: What is the purpose of the women’s national team’s lawsuit?
A: To shrink the pay gap between men’s and women’s soccer to something more in line with the level of wage discrimination accepted by the rest of society.

Q: Which players are behind the lawsuit?
A: The hot brunette one ...

Categories: Fake News

Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 12:40pm

SAN FRANCISCO—Slinking stealthily as he scanned the departure desk for any sudden movement, local man Aaron Smith reportedly prowled San Francisco International Airport’s gate 33 Friday like a jungle cat ready to pounce at the first sign of a boarding announcement. Smith, whose pupils had fully dilated after witnessing the gate agent lean in toward her microphone, is said to have frozen in place, tightening the grip on his carry-on bag and tensing his entire body as if he were a jaguar ready to lunge at a marsh deer drinking from an Amazonian water hole. According to onlookers, Smith tracked the elderly travelers and passengers with disabilities during the pre-boarding process like an apex feline predator eyeing the weakest member of a herd to isolate and ambush, his gaze fixed and intense as attendants guided the group’s wheelchairs down the jet bridge. At press time, after the ...

Categories: Fake News

Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood’s ‘The Finer Things’

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 10:33am

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood. “Tragically, nine in 10 Americans will die having only heard the song’s beguiling synthesizer intro accompanied by Mr. Winwood’s silky-smooth yet slightly edged vocals for just the most minuscule fraction of their time on earth,” said professor Cindy Nancherla, lead author of the report, which also found that most people will unfortunately spend vastly larger portions of their life sleeping, working, stuck in traffic, and, most disturbingly, listening to Toto’s “Rosanna.” “So much of the typical individual’s lifespan is squandered not waiting for the upbeat drums to kick in during the chorus and not hearing that heart-stopping key change in the bridge. It’s just so ...

Categories: Fake News

Editorial Cartoon: ‘Special Afflecks’

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 9:42am

Categories: Fake News

God Admits He Way Less Strict With Last Few Billion Children

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 7:24am

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was a very rigid and domineering Father in the years immediately following the Creation of Man, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday He has been far less strict with His last few billion children. “I was kind of a stickler back then, to be honest, and I could be pretty harsh when I punished my children for doing something wrong or disobeying me,” said God, who remarked that He has mellowed out quite a bit over the millennia and that it has been a long time since He has sent forth floodwaters to cover the face of the earth or cast any of His children into a lake of fire. “Back then, I was still learning how to be a good Father of all Mankind. I can see that now. And I used a more disciplinarian approach, sending down a plague, slaughtering all the firstborn and ...

Categories: Fake News

The Week In Pictures – Week Of April 4, 2016

Onion - Mon, 04/04/2016 - 7:05am

Categories: Fake News

New Method Accurately Measures THC In Edibles

Onion - Sun, 04/03/2016 - 10:00pm

Though the labeling on cannabis chocolates, gummies, and other edible items is currently inconsistent and unregulated, a new technique provides accurate measurements of the cannabis within these newly legal products. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News
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