Fake News

Maya Angelou, Poet, Author, Civil Rights Activist, And—Holy Cow—Tony Award–Nominated Actress, College Professor, Magazine Editor, Streetcar Conductor—Really? Streetcar Conductor? Wow—Calypso Singer, Nightclub Performer, And Foreign Journalist, Dead A

Onion - Wed, 05/28/2014 - 10:30am
Maya Angelou, Poet, Author, Civil Rights Activist, And—Holy Cow—Tony Award–Nominated Actress, College Professor, Magazine Editor, Streetcar Conductor—Really? Streetcar Conductor? Wow—Calypso Singer, Nightclub Performer, And Foreign Journalist, Dead At 86






Categories: Fake News

Study: Human Ability To Cooperate Most Strongly Exhibited When Ordering Pizza

Onion - Wed, 05/28/2014 - 10:30am
ANN ARBOR, MI—Confirming that the process causes individuals to collaborate closely, reach compromises, and display empathy, a new study from the University of Michigan has found that the human ability to cooperate is never more strongly exhibited t...






Categories: Fake News

Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn’t Think She’s Worth $3,000 Gallstone Surgery

Onion - Wed, 05/28/2014 - 9:15am
TOPEKA, KS—Saying that she could tell he had already made the mental calculation based on the hesitant tone in his voice, local dog Ruby confirmed that her owner does not consider her to be worth the $3,000 necessary to treat her gallstone condition...






Categories: Fake News

Infographic: Beach Safety Tips

Onion - Wed, 05/28/2014 - 9:00am
The return of warm temperatures and summer sun means many families and friends are hitting the beach to swim, sunbathe, and relax.






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: UConn Holding ‘Football 101’ Clinic For Female Fans

Onion - Wed, 05/28/2014 - 8:00am
The UConn Huskies announced that the team will host a clinic for female fans instructing them on the basics of football, with officials saying the course is not meant to be condescending to women and that many women may in fact know more about the sport t...






Categories: Fake News

Outrage after new Marvel film has only three post credits scenes

News Biscuit - Wed, 05/28/2014 - 7:00am

‘I don’t particularly care who the caterers or paymasters were for the film’ said one outraged fan, ‘but I usually stay till the end of the credits to get a hint about what might be coming next, or to see if one of the characters who apparently died in the film is actually implausibly alive…’

However many fans were dismayed to find Marvels latest offering only had 3 of those scenes dotted throughout its closing titles.

‘Its just pure laziness on the part of the filmmakers’ posted one fan on a popular comic enthusiasts forum, ‘To make matters worse, it turns out the villain briefly teased for the next film wasn’t even an obscure character. Usually only the most die hard fans get the chance smugly nod and go ‘ahaah!’ to their friends like they have the faintest idea who he is, but this guy is so well known, even the old dear who thought she was seeing The Grand Budapest Hotel knew who it was. I feel like I got in the way of the cinema’s cleaning staff for no reason’.

Bigglesworth

Categories: Fake News

Scientists create ‘normal’ mouse

News Biscuit - Wed, 05/28/2014 - 4:00am

Scientists in Oxford have created what is believed to be the first normal mouse to exist since genetic experimentation began in 1937.

The mouse nicknamed ‘Norman’ has four legs a tail and just two ears positioned on each side of it’s normal sized head. A spokesman for the Government funded laboratory in Queens University Campus said that the breakthrough could lead to the development of other normal creatures such as chickens which are able to stand up and fish which taste of fish.

Underconstruction

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Parents Paying Professionals To Pack Kids’ Summer Camp Bags

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 4:00pm
To reduce the stress of getting kids ready for summer camp, parents in New York City are reportedly paying professional organizing companies up to $250 per hour to pack their children’s bags with high-quality sheets, fancy soaps, and other supplies.






Categories: Fake News

Chilcot ‘may deploy WMD at any time’, says Blair

News Biscuit - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 3:55pm

Tony Blair has today warned that Sir John Chilcot, chairman of the Iraq War Inquiry, has WMDs and might launch a strike against targets in the West with very little notice.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4, the former Prime Minister told James Naughtie; ‘I mean, let’s be clear about this. All the intelligence points towards Chilcot having some pretty nasty stuff. And who knows when he might use it? Anyone who’s not worried about that, from where I’m sitting, that’s a pretty relaxed attitude to take’.

When pressed about the nature of the weapons, he replied “Well, that’s not for me to say. They could be chemical, biological or something we’ve never seen before. Like the truth, for instance. But everything points towards him being in possession of Weapons of My – sorry, Mass Destruction and it’s increasingly clear that something must be done”.

Mr. Blair went on to say that he was pressing for a pre-emptive strike against Chilcot. ‘I think it’s important to be absolutely clear that I, we rather – the UK, all of us – have the right to defend myself against foreign aggression, even if it’s not from outside the country and not actually foreign. I’m advocating a full military response in the next few days, and I know President Bush agrees with me on this one’.

Sir John was unavailable for comment, having told his wife that he was going out for a walk.

Bob Crumpett

Categories: Fake News

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 2:00pm
ISLA VISTA, CA—In the days following a violent rampage in southern California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals, including himself, and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mas...






Categories: Fake News

VA To Improve Veterans’ Health Care With New $500 Million Waiting Room

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 1:00pm
WASHINGTON—Responding to recent allegations concerning agency misconduct and an overall lack of quality treatment for the nation’s servicemen and women, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Eric Shinseki announced plans Tuesday to improve health care...






Categories: Fake News

College Rape Victim Pretty Thrilled She Gets To Recount Assault To Faculty Committee

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 11:45am
CLAREMONT, CA—Visibly excited for the thrilling hour ahead, college sophomore Megan Anderson enthusiastically made her way to a meeting with members of her university’s Office of Student Conflict Resolution to offer a detailed account of her recent sexual assault, the eager undergraduate told reporters Tuesday.






Categories: Fake News

[video] SPONSORED: New Video Game’s Second-Person Shooter Mode Features Someone Just Describing Game To You

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 10:00am
The revolutionary second-person mode presents players with an authoritative voice describing the players’ actions without any of the hassle of actual gameplay.






Categories: Fake News

Elderly Man Hailed As Alert

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 9:45am
AVONDALE, AZ—Seeing him this weekend for the first time since the holidays, the family of local widower Gene Riggs spoke glowingly of the 87-year-old, hailing him as alert and aware of what was going on around him.






Categories: Fake News

New STEM Education Initiative Inspires Girls To Earn Less Than Men In Scientific Career

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 9:35am
WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand women’s presence in traditionally male-dominated fields, the STEM Education Coalition launched a new initiative Tuesday dedicated to inspiring young girls to pursue math and science educations so they could ...






Categories: Fake News

Militia Leader Sentenced To 6 Months’ Probation For War Misdemeanors

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 9:00am
THE HAGUE—Following his 15-minute appearance today before the Civil Ordinance division of the International Criminal Court, Mai Mai Kata Katanga militia leader Emile Kyenge was sentenced to six months’ probation for several war misdemeanors co...






Categories: Fake News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 27, 2014

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 8:45am
Aries Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered the contest. Taurus You will be celebrated and vilifie...






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Study: Nearly Half Of Americans Can’t Swim

Onion - Tue, 05/27/2014 - 8:00am
According to a new study by the Red Cross, 46 percent of Americans who say they know how to swim can’t perform the five water safety skills that are essential for saving oneself from drowning.






Categories: Fake News
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