Fake News

Doctor who signed Jesus’ death certificate struck off

News Biscuit - Sun, 04/01/2018 - 3:00pm

A doctor is facing professional ruin after a man he pronounced dead was later seen walking around Galilee in perfect health.

The disgraced medic says that he didn’t have time to look closely at the alleged corpse before signing the papers, claiming he was ‘under pressure to meet targets’. He now admits, ‘I just looked at the three crosses and the man on the middle one seemed dead to me. I’d had a hard day and I wasn’t about to start feeling the pulse of some guy nailed to a bit of wood.’

The ‘dead’ man Jesus is believed to have been feeling drowsy after a heavy supper of bread and wine and says he ‘probably dozed off’ on the cross, as ‘the conversation with two thieves wasn’t very stimulating.’ Crucifixion experts say this could be mistaken for death by a careless doctor about to knock off on a Friday evening.

Jesus is now taking legal action for the trauma of being locked in a cramped and chilly tomb for a whole weekend where he almost caught his death of cold. However, lawyers for the doctor claim it’s an elaborate compensation scam, pointing out that the plaintiff was involved in a previous back-to-life trick with local man Lazarus, who is still in a legal dispute with his health authority and undertaker.

Categories: Fake News

DVLA to unveil ‘sunlit uplands’ Brexit signage

News Biscuit - Sun, 04/01/2018 - 7:00am

As the UK commemorated 365 days until the end of its membership of the EU, the DVLA announced plans to unveil commemorative road signage to be used on all roundabouts, motorways, roads, slipways and rural paths at some point before March 2019, all being well and subject to agreement with the other 27 member states. The signage allegedly combines grandstanding rhetorical certainty and strategic directionless, all somehow leading to ‘sunlit uplands’.

The agency denied that its traditionally mundane mandate had been desperately ‘sexed up’ in the national interest upon receipt of ‘red hot’ intelligence from DexEU and said it not able to provide a sample, having been delayed by waiting for ‘impact reports’ on traffic on the roads below the sunlit uplands. A spokesperson insisted: ‘But it’s definitely been finished. We’re just, er, tweaking it.’

Categories: Fake News

Hard shoulder rubbish to be classed as street art

News Biscuit - Sun, 04/01/2018 - 4:00am

In a move that will save the government and local authorities millions, all rubbish by motorways, railway lines and trunk roads is to be classed as ‘street art’. ‘Littering is an affirmation of belonging,’ said an Arts Council spokesman. ‘Like graffiti art it is saying ‘Here I am, or I was here’ allowing ordinary people to symbolically come together and express themselves in a world of isolation and alienation.’

The new classification will also see the introduction of an annual prize to be known as the Detritus Award, sponsored by KFC and funded by the proposed plastic bottle deposit scheme. Drivers and commuters will be able to nominate their favourite stretches of motorway or track online. The winner will receive World Heritage Status for their contribution to English cultural identity.

Among the shortlisted routes are stretches of the M2 in Kent and the entire West Coast line. Leading contenders are ‘Route 666′ the six-mile-long plastic bag and bottle installation along the M54 in Shropshire, ‘Shit on the Rails’ at Birmingham International Airport and ‘Roadside Crap at Watford Gap’.

Categories: Fake News

Child finds Jesus in her Kinder Surprise™

News Biscuit - Sun, 04/01/2018 - 2:00am

After a culmination of generations of messianic prophecies and the consumption of millions of Easter eggs, the Second Coming has at last been triggered by toddler from Fleet, Hampshire. Vatican officials are reluctant at this stage to categorise this event as a miracle but admit it is certainly a ‘surprise’.

Madeleine, 4, was fairly nonplussed by having found the Son of God in her egg and seemed more concerned by the lack of sweet-based centre to her treat. Her mother said: ‘A new dawn of universal peace and love is all very well, but Maddy would prefer some jelly beans’.

When quizzed Madeleine admitted to having hastily eaten the Jesus’ ‘chocolaty cave’, which many theologians fear may have had new gospels scrawled onto its white chocolate interior. One priest admitted: ‘The fused halves represent the relationship between Christ’s corporeal and ethereal form. Remember he died, so we might have guilt free chocolate’.

Unfortunately Jesus 2.0 still comes in the form of several fragile pieces of plastic which will need to be assembled by bishop or some one with a degree in engineering. Cryptically the only scripture that come with Jesus 2.0, warns (in multiple languages) that organised religion may be a ‘choking hazard’.

Categories: Fake News

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 5:00pm
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