Citing ‘irreconcilable breakdowns’, the government has decided that henceforth Network Rail can only have access rights to the rail network at weekends, public holidays and any other inconvenient time possible. â€˜Itâ€™s been a stormy relationship,’ said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling.
Critics stated that the relationship had been doomed from the beginning, and that there would inevitably be ‘the wrong kind of anguish’ on the tracks.
Commuter groups have applauded the decision, stating that the problems had been signalled clearly, red flags had been raised and, predictably, whistles had been blown. ‘It’s late,’ noted one commuter, nodding at to 17:10 to Wolverhampton.
‘I’d never really thought about it before,’ said the shy 47 year old bachelor, ‘but that awful Savile scandal has made me realise that putting kisses on cards for kids under the age of 10 has to be considered rather dodgy. Even writing â€˜with love from’ could be misinterpreted, so after considerable thought I’ve decided to sign them ‘yours faithfully’ just to be on the safe side.’
After further consideration, Mr Johnson has decided to be extremely neutral on the card that he sends to 18 year old niece, Emma. ‘I regret scribbling ‘have fun’ on her last birthday card. It was an unforgivable encouragement to all sorts of terrible acts, especially since I added a throwaway exclamation mark after my comment.’
Mr Johnston admits to finding the pressures of reaching middle age without a life partner rather difficult. ‘I’ve only ever had eyes for one girl and sadly she has never reciprocated. I’m not even sure if she ever reads the love letters I send,’ he said wistfully, before adding forcefully ‘I’m not gay you know, like almost all of the other members of my Kylie fan club branch seem to be.’
Turning to his brother and sister in law, Derek is now worried that any signs of affection in their Christmas card might be open to misinterpretation. â€˜Jacqui is a lovely girl, but I donâ€™t want her to get the wrong impression from the type of card I send. You have to be so careful these days. I mean, something as innocent as mistletoe on a card could cause all sorts of awkwardness.â€™
Despite his concerns dealing with the greetings card minefield, the council administrator is still looking forward to his seasonal job as a department store Santa Claus. â€˜I just love to see the innocent faces of the youngsters as they climb up on my knee and I give them a little something,â€™ he said joyfully, â€˜it gives me such a thrill.â€™
After years of study, researchers have finally found the answers to many of those difficult questions posed by pop stars. â€˜We started with the easy stuff first,â€™ said research assistant John Whitehouse. â€˜We told Dionne Warwick to take the I280 south from San Francisco and shown Tony Christie that one way is the eastbound I40 from Albuquerque. We also let the Sweet know there is no way to Blockbuster, because it closed down some years ago and persuaded the Beatles that on balance it is better to ‘do it’ in bed rather than in the road.’
Researchers have now informed Bob Dylan that a man is a man, regardless of how many roads he has walked down, that looking up once is enough to see the sky, except possibly in Hull, and that two ears are usually enough to hear someone cry. Meanwhile, Pete Seeger has been told that the reason all the flowers have gone because itâ€™s winter, duh, and Peggy Lee has learned that yes, that is all there is, unless she wants to tell us otherwise via a ouija board.
Furthermore, researchers informed Rod Stewart in no uncertain terms that no, they don’t find him sexy and they don’t want his body; while the Clash were told that, given that if they go there will be trouble but if they stay there will be double, then logically they should go. They also agreed that Stevie Wonderâ€™s baby daughter is lovely but wondered how he could tell.
Some more ambiguous questions, however, have proved more difficult. Without actually knowing the context, it has only been possible to tell Bono to see if he can remember where he left it or, failing that, to try down the back of the sofa. â€˜It could have been where the streets have no name, of course, but I doubt that will help much,â€™ Whitehouse said.
One researcher, named informally as Kenneth, has contacted REM with the answer of 46.4 KHz. Kenneth also reckoned, in answer to a question posed by Pink Floyd, that he can tell Heaven from Hell. ‘Heaven’s the one with cherubs and hell looks a bit like Croydon, right?’ he asked.
Another research assistant, Fernando, has told Abba that, no, he can’t, but perhaps the drums could be brought up a little in the final mix. ‘And as for Boy George and Culture Club, yes, we really do want to hurt you. Finally, I neither know nor care who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong â€“ it sounds pervy if not downright dangerous.â€™
Smart Alex. Hat tips to Robopop, Rootin Tootin, Titus and Oxbridge
Following Louise Casey’s report on Muslim women and British society, which concluded that they need to integrate better and so become â€˜more British’, the government has urged them to become gobby Islamophobes, swap their burkas for balaclavas, attend EDL marches and eat bacon butties every meal, washing it down with beer – or in Scotland, a bottle of Buckfast.
â€˜A hatred of the migrant and the Muslim defines modern Britain, and to blend in Muslim women need to embrace this theme,â€™ said a spokesman. â€˜Whilst it may take time before they are ready to burn down a mosque, they can start by painting insults on their front doors, taking off their hijab in front or a mirror, abandoning religious books preaching peace and tolerance and start reading the Daily Mail instead.â€™
Tim Wilkinson, 51, has spoken of his anguish at being unmolested as a child. Framed photos show him at five joining Sunday School with Father â€˜Spankieâ€™ O’Dowd, at ten in his Scouts uniform beaming at being away at Jamboree with just his personal Scoutmaster, receiving a post-coma Jim’ll Fix It” medallion from the man himself at 12 and lining up with his Chelsea Youth Squad footie mates.
â€˜What kind of monster must I have been?â€™ he mumbled. â€˜All those opportunities but no-one ever laid a finger on me, not even at boarding school. Even my private lessons with Gary Glitter just got me Grade 8 guitar. I must have been the most repellent kid in the world. But at least I have finally found the courage to tell the world and encourage other untouched children to speak out.â€™
Cinquecento and Titus
Al-Qaeda has announced that its long-anticipated comeback tour, involving commando-style waves of suicide assaults on European cities and ever more devious ways of planting bombs on planes, will be delayed until the New Year. This is because it is currently unable to secure sufficient numbers of bombers while Strictly Come Dancing and X-Factor continue to enthral the world.
Hasan al-Khalil, Director of Martyr Recruitment at the Islamist terror group, admitted that staffing levels were an issue. ‘We are a highly professional organisation and we won’t send out missions if we are not confident that we can get the right mix of nihilistic rage, externalised sexual inadequacy and stupidity needed to complete them to the high standards we expect,’ he said.
In recent weeks, al-Qaeda has increasingly found its young zealots unwilling to train on Saturday evenings, let alone die in agony in a blazing fireball. Contrived excuses, such as ‘I’ve got a cold’, ‘My uncle died’ and ‘I just wanted to see if Anton has put his back out lifting Ann Widdecombe yet’, have become the bane of its leaders’ lives.
‘You can’t volunteer to die for the glory of God then put conditions on it,’ said al-Khalili. ‘We even had one young Egyptian recently who said he’d only drive a carload of bombs into Downing Street if Aliona Vilani could be one of his 72 virgins in paradise. I tried to tell him gently, look she’s a 25-year-old Russian woman, it’s not very likely … he ran off in tears and we never saw him again.’
Al-Qaeda has stressed, however, that this is only a tactical move and that it remains fully committed to destroying the West. ‘We shall return fiercer than ever in the New Year, insh’Allah, to bring terror to the decadent crusaders,’ vowed al-Khalili. ‘God is great! God is great! God is great! Unlike Wagner, who is shit.’
24th November 2010
What should have been a straight-forward interim telemarketing job, has turned into a diplomatic nightmare, accompanied by accusations that Donald Trump had been cold-calling nations with promises of cheaper car insurance or refunds of their PPI. The White House has now been accused of outsourcing the Presidency to a low budget contractor, â€˜which ironically is what Trump has planned for the economy,â€™ according to a Democratic Party source.
Controversy surrounds Trump breaking protocol by heavy breathing on the phone to the president of Taiwan, which is understood to have been in the mistaken belief that he was speaking to Miss Taiwan. China has already complained that the President-elect â€˜got our pizza order wrong’, keeps pestering them on how to build a wall and has gifted Tibet to a Sherpa called ‘Big Ron’.
Trumpâ€™s call-centre manager, Chuck Waldstein IV, spoke of his frustration: ‘Instead of sticking to the agreed script, Donald would just ramble on about time-shares in Mexico, while encouraging callers to ‘grab their pussy’. He sold almost no stationery in his time on the job, so I had to tell him he was fired. Then he just complained I was stealing his punch line, which he said was â€˜a beautiful punch line, so beautifulâ€™. Now he keeps tweeting that heâ€™s going to sue my ass.â€™
Theresa May has stated that the UK’s Telephone Preference Service had filtered out any nuisance calls from the Washington DC area, but Trump said he had simply contacted someone with a better credit rating than Britain, such as Kerry Katona. Trump campaign spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway concluded by explaining: ‘Donald wasn’t sacked, he just got tired of making random debt collection calls. Instead he is looking forward to being President and receiving a few of these calls himself.â€™