Fake News

Scandinavian detective to remain upbeat despite series of personal tragedies

News Biscuit - Sat, 01/24/2015 - 3:00am

Detective Sergeant Fred Blomqvist was in no way downcast last night after falling victim to the latest in a series of personal and work-related traumas.

Having your six-year-old daughter chopped into pieces and fed to the piranha collection of Sweden’s self-styled ‘Aquarium killer’ would be enough to make even the most battle-hardened detectives consider their future, but Blomqvist insists he is rolling with the punches.

‘Yeah, I’ll hold my hands up – the daughter thing was a setback,’ admits the 53 year-old divorcee from his converted Uppsala farmhouse, which overlooks acres of bleak agricultural landscape, ‘but I am refusing to react to it. I won’t take the bait,’ he says with a cheeky wink and a playful nudge to the ribs.

Blomqvist, head of Uppsala’s Serious Crimes and Misdemeanours Squad for the last ten years, is legendary for his almost supernatural ability to take everything in his stride and is credited with the introduction of a ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps’ poster in the foyer of the police force’s main HQ.

The happy-go-lucky detective‘s career has not been without controversy and he was faced with accusations of insensitivity when days after four new recruits where killed in a head-on collision with an overloaded oil tanker from which the brake cable had been deliberately removed, Blomqvist tried to lighten the mood by throwing an office foam party.

Added to this is the fact that twenty four hours after his daughter was turned into fish food, Blomqvist’s faithful Golden Retriever ‘Blondi’ was discovered lying dead next to a bloodstained cricket bat in a park on the outskirts of Lund. ‘I’ve no idea what she was doing there, but y’know – she had a good innings,’ says Blomqvist with that trademark chuckle.

The interview was interrupted by Blomqvist’s distinctive ringtone. When the call is over, Blomqvist’s voice cracks momentarily. ‘That was the son from my first-marriage with Linda who was killed when a tractor reversed over her in a one-way street in broad daylight.’

‘Well it’s not such great news about his leukaemia, but on the plus side it’s looking like the Jackdaw he found by the roadside with a broken wing is going to pull through. Isn’t that just fantastic? Aww heck, pass me a tissue will you – I’ve got something in my eye’

Categories: Fake News

Page 3 to feature extracts from Chilcot inquiry

News Biscuit - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 4:55pm

In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’

Several media outlets were premature in reporting demise of Page 3 after The Sun briefly experimented with publishing words as well as pictures on it. Now, many believe, printing the text of the Chilcot Inquiry on Page 3 over the course of the coming year could prove to be more controversial than the semi-naked torsos. One diplomat commented: ‘British Intelligence with their pants down may not have the phwoar factor, but it will certainly be seen as a booby trap. Two.’

Many fear that the delay in releasing the Chilcot Report into the 2003 Iraq War was due to concerns that people would objectify Tony Blair. A spokesman for the ex-Prime Minister said: ‘Mr Blair is more than just a tremendous boob. He needs to be respected as a person and a former leader of his country, not just seen as someone suffering from mammary lapse. Three – no, four, actually. Wooo.’

MPs from all parties have demanded immediate access to Tony Blair’s ‘baby pillows’. A spokesman for the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: ‘In the interests of transparency it’s only right we get a look at the good stuff. Sir John Chilcot can’t just keep all those lovely apple dumplings to himself. Do either of those count? AND the puns, ahahahahaha.’

Campaigners against topless photos of women on Page 3 have condemned the decision, saying that this may be even worse than what went before. One said: ‘Featuring Tony Blair is explicit enough in a tabloid paper, but we draw the line at Bush.’

Categories: Fake News

Page 3 to feature extracts from Chilcot inquiry

News Biscuit - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 4:55pm

In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’

Several media outlets were premature in reporting demise of Page 3 after The Sun briefly experimented with publishing words as well as pictures on it. Now, many believe, printing the text of the Chilcot Inquiry on Page 3 over the course of the coming year could prove to be more controversial than the semi-naked torsos. One diplomat commented: ‘British Intelligence with their pants down may not have the phwoar factor, but it will certainly be seen as a booby trap. Two.’

Many fear that the delay in releasing the Chilcot Report into the 2003 Iraq War was due to concerns that people would objectify Tony Blair. A spokesman for the ex-Prime Minister said: ‘Mr Blair is more than just a tremendous boob. He needs to be respected as a person and a former leader of his country, not just seen as someone suffering from mammary lapse. Three – no, four, actually. Wooo.’

MPs from all parties have demanded immediate access to Tony Blair’s ‘baby pillows’. A spokesman for the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: ‘In the interests of transparency it’s only right we get a look at the good stuff. Sir John Chilcot can’t just keep all those lovely apple dumplings to himself. Do either of those count? AND the puns, ahahahahaha.’

Campaigners against topless photos of women on Page 3 have condemned the decision, saying that this may be even worse than what went before. One said: ‘Featuring Tony Blair is explicit enough in a tabloid paper, but we draw the line at Bush.’

Categories: Fake News

Page 3 to feature extracts from Chilcot inquiry

News Biscuit - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 4:55pm

In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’

Several media outlets were premature in reporting demise of Page 3 after The Sun briefly experimented with publishing words as well as pictures on it. Now, many believe, printing the text of the Chilcot Inquiry on Page 3 over the course of the coming year could prove to be more controversial than the semi-naked torsos. One diplomat commented: ‘British Intelligence with their pants down may not have the phwoar factor, but it will certainly be seen as a booby trap. Two.’

Many fear that the delay in releasing the Chilcot Report into the 2003 Iraq War was due to concerns that people would objectify Tony Blair. A spokesman for the ex-Prime Minister said: ‘Mr Blair is more than just a tremendous boob. He needs to be respected as a person and a former leader of his country, not just seen as someone suffering from mammary lapse. Three – no, four, actually. Wooo.’

MPs from all parties have demanded immediate access to Tony Blair’s ‘baby pillows’. A spokesman for the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said: ‘In the interests of transparency it’s only right we get a look at the good stuff. Sir John Chilcot can’t just keep all those lovely apple dumplings to himself. Do either of those count? AND the puns, ahahahahaha.’

Campaigners against topless photos of women on Page 3 have condemned the decision, saying that this may be even worse than what went before. One said: ‘Featuring Tony Blair is explicit enough in a tabloid paper, but we draw the line at Bush.’

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Study: Dog Movies Spur Adoption For Up To 10 Years

Onion - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 1:21pm
A study has found that popular dog movies can boost adoption of featured breeds for up to 10 years after their release, though in previous cases, many families have quickly returned dogs they were not prepared to own.






Categories: Fake News

New NCAA Regulations Prohibit Student-Athletes From Studying More Than 30 Hours Per Week

Onion - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 11:16am
INDIANAPOLIS—Hailing the importance of maintaining a proper balance between education and sports, the NCAA announced new regulations Friday prohibiting student-athletes from dedicating more than 30 hours each week to studying.






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Study Links Negative Tweets To More Heart Disease

Onion - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 9:48am
According to a new study, tweets that convey negative emotions such as hate, hostility, or boredom correlate to higher rates of heart disease-related deaths in the surrounding community.






Categories: Fake News

Medical Breakthrough Provides Elderly Woman With 2 Extra Years Of Inconveniencing Family

Onion - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 9:34am
MUNCIE, IN—Saying that the experimental procedure was a complete success, doctors at Muncie’s Ball Memorial Hospital confirmed Friday that a recent medical breakthrough has provided 89-year-old Anna Goldman with an additional two years of inco...






Categories: Fake News

Chinese Officials Vow To Fix Nation’s Crumbling Reeducation System

Onion - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 9:17am
BEIJING—Acknowledging that its current programs are insufficient to meet the needs of a fast-paced, 21st-century population, the Chinese Ministry of Justice held a press conference Friday affirming its commitment to fixing the nation’s crumbli...






Categories: Fake News

Nigeria comes to Britain’s aid over deficit

News Biscuit - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 8:00am

Chancellor George Osborne has announced a new business relationship with Nigeria which he says will help reduce the UK’s national debt. He has entered a 100% risk free business relationship’ with Dr Umaru Shinkafi Egwuatu, director of the Nigerian Petroleum Trust Fund, for a share in a $600 million construction contract that Nigerian officials over-invoiced to the tune of $635.5 million with the intention of sharing the remaining $35.5 million among themselves.

However Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls said that the deal has huge cracks in it and needs investigating further. ‘The Labour party has a much better alternative. Following the tragic death of Nigerian Chief Nze Akpamgbo in a plane crash, the family have inherited a $700 million fortune and are offering 35% to help transfer funds and 15% for any costs incurred. Do the maths.’

Categories: Fake News

Rabbits ‘have no intention of punching the Pope’

News Biscuit - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 5:00am

Despite Pope Francis’s provocative insinuation that their mothers breed ‘like Catholics’, a spokes-rabbit has confirmed that modern rabbits are mature and civilised enough to avoid violence. They will instead invite His Holiness to sit down with rabbit representatives and constructively discuss the different approach to birth control by mothers in the two species.

The Pope has reminded Catholics that using man-made technology to avoid pregnancy is cheating, since it was unfair not to allow God a fighting chance of imposing His will on them in the form of an unwanted child they had no means of looking after. Meanwhile, local pharmacist John Spencer has offered the rabbits a special contraceptive operation guaranteed to prevent unwanted pregnancies, or indeed mothers, in conjunction with the pie shop next door.

Kealo

Categories: Fake News

Bayeux Tapestry ‘contains world’s first photobomb’

News Biscuit - Fri, 01/23/2015 - 3:00am

An astonishing solution has emerged to a mystery that has long vexed historians of the Battle of Hastings in 1066. A recently rediscovered memoir by Aelfflaed the Badger-Legged, one of the nuns who embroidered the Bayeux Tapestry on the orders of Bishop Odo of Bayeux, conclusively proves that England’s last Saxon king Harold II is actually the figure being cut down by a Norman knight on horseback, while the figure next to him with an arrow in his eye is a ‘tapestrybomb’.

‘I had just finished sewing the words Harold Rex Interfectus Est – King Harold is killed – when in sauntered that joker Count Guy de Lussignac in full armour,’ states Aelfflaed, who was 17 at the time, translated from the Latin by Professor Stuart Hudson of the University of Durham. ‘He saw what we were doing, then staggered about clutching at a pretend arrow, saying “Ecce puellae, Harold Rex sum”.

‘As he had perjured his oath to let William have the throne, Harold was meant to die that way, you see. I imagine all this loses something in translation from Norman French but it was really funny at the time. I giggled so much next Complines I nearly wet my sackcloth. Anyway, Beornwyn the Fair, who was the fastest stitcher in the convent, asked him to keep still then did a quick picture of him to fill the gap. Sorry for any confusion.’

The memoir, scribbled on the back of a manorial court roll, also clears up many other uncertainties about the Norman Conquest. Gryphons were put into the tapestry ‘for a laugh’, while two anatomically correct naked men were the work of Eadgifu Chafed-Neck ‘who was like a total slag before she took her vows’. And early plans to pick out the Saxons by sewing in tiny balls of glass were abandoned after another nun Editha de Spooner, said she had seen a sign in the nearby park saying ‘Please do not bead the fyrds’.

Professor Hudson has, however, poured scorn on suggestions that an even earlier form of ‘paintingbomb’ has been identified in the famous cave paintings at Altamira in Northern Spain. ‘I’m no expert on Neolithic art,’ he said, ‘but just look at those bulls and mammoths running away from left to right while the caveman stares straight back at you waving his spear in the air. That’s a selfie if I ever saw one.’

Categories: Fake News

Merchant Ivory release back catalogue in glorious 3D

News Biscuit - Thu, 01/22/2015 - 4:55pm

Film-lovers from all around the UK, though mostly in the Home Counties, are abuzz this week with the re-release of every single Merchant Ivory film in spellbinding 3D, including classics like A Room With A View and The Remains Of The Day.

When asked why he had gone 3D with 55 different period dramas, director James Ivory said: ‘I felt it was time to reach a younger audience, like people in their 70s. If you think another shot of Anthony Hopkins gazing wistfully out of a window onto an Edwardian lawn can’t get any more exhilarating, wait until you see it in 3D. Honestly, it feels like you could reach out and stroke his croquet balls.’

Ivory and his producer partner Ishmail Merchant first decided on the radical move about 20 years ago. ‘We started with Howard’s End because we felt the understated, soporific Stoical interbellum estate drama really leant itself to the format. It turned out so well we just couldn’t stop. We painfully converted every film frame-by-frame. The hardest part was all those shots of Emma Thompson’s trembling lip. It made me feel very woozy and killed Ishmail outright.’

There was a minor setback on the eve of the Surviving Picasso relaunch when Ivory realised his 3D process was obsolete and had to recall thousands of those plastic red/blue eyeglasses from cinemas. Ivory re-mortgaged his house and took hundreds of reels of film back into the editing room. ‘It took twice as long this time, I just kept falling asleep. About halfway through Mr & Mrs Bridge, I actually went into a coma and only woke up at the end of Jefferson In Paris.’

So far, the public response has been positive, with only one complaint from Barry Saunders, 82, from Watford, who was convinced he was about to get squashed by Denholm Elliot’s sideburns during a screening of A Room With A View, freaked out and drove his mobility scooter through the screen. Patrons are advised to check local cinemas for screening times, hearing loops, first aid and the cost of a cup of tea. Special discounts apply for care home excursions and stag parties.

Lang

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

Onion - Thu, 01/22/2015 - 1:48pm
Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Cake Shop Accused Of Religious Discrimination For Refusing To Write Anti-Gay Slur On Bible Cake

Onion - Thu, 01/22/2015 - 1:22pm
A bakery in Arizona is facing a religious discrimination complaint after refusing to comply with a customer’s order to decorate a cake shaped like a Bible with the words “God hates gays” and an image of two men holding hands with an ...






Categories: Fake News

Diphtheria Excited About Possibility Of New Outbreak

Onion - Thu, 01/22/2015 - 12:58pm
LOS ANGELES—Following a flare-up of measles in California and reports of new cases across several western states this week, the disease diphtheria told reporters Thursday that it was excited about the possibility of a new outbreak in America.






Categories: Fake News

Infographic: The Pros And Cons Of Free Community College

Onion - Thu, 01/22/2015 - 12:37pm
As part of an effort to make higher education accessible to all Americans, President Obama has proposed offering two free years of community college to qualified students, a plan critics say is too expensive and misses the mark on education reform.






Categories: Fake News

Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby

Onion - Thu, 01/22/2015 - 11:02am
MEQUON, WI—Saying that the practice saves her considerable time and effort each day, local ob-gyn doctor Anna Schiesser told reporters Thursday that she typically just shows soon-to-be parents the same ultrasound picture for every baby.






Categories: Fake News

Statshot: Least Inspiring Biographical Movies

Onion - Thu, 01/22/2015 - 10:14am
Least Inspiring Biographical Movies






Categories: Fake News
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