Fake News

News in Brief: New Dating Site Suggests People You Already Know But Thought You Were Too Good For

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 9:00pm

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying love could be as close as a neighbor or colleague you’ve never once found yourself remotely interested in, new dating website OnSecondThought.com launched this week with a promise to pair users with people they already know but thought they were too good for. “On Second Thought uses a compatibility formula unlike any other site, drawing your personalized matches exclusively from those within your daily life who you’ve always considered beneath you,” said founder Layla Mufti, adding that the site’s easy-to-use interface allows members to get another look at the network of people they’ve written off in the past for not being attractive, intelligent, interesting, polite, active, hygienic, or stable enough to meet their standards. “One day you might get paired with someone from work who you’ve always regarded as mediocre-looking and kind of dumb, while the next it could be a ...

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Authorities Block Alleged Site Of ‘Nazi Gold Train’

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 9:00pm

Police in Poland blockaded a stretch of tracks after the alleged discovery of an abandoned train rumored to be the “Nazi gold train,” a freight car reportedly filled with gold and gems before vanishing in 1945 and a target of treasure hunters who, police say, risk their safety by investigating the still-active tracks for clues. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: 5-Year-Old At Underfunded Kindergarten Enjoying Last Few Weeks Before Achievement Gap Kicks In

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 9:00pm

SHREVEPORT, LA—Saying the sense of equality and self-worth wouldn’t last much longer, local 5-year-old Jake Williams told reporters Tuesday that he was enjoying the final few weeks before the achievement gap between him and children at better-funded schools really kicked in. “Pretty soon, kids my age who live in wealthier districts will start testing better than me in every subject, so I might as well try to make the most of this parity while I have it,” said Williams, adding that he planned to savor the experience of being on equal footing with other 5-year-olds until the difference in resources being funneled to their respective schools began hindering his ability to learn basic language skills and math. “I really want to appreciate what little time I have left, because once I’ve internalized the idea that I’m not as smart as other kids, it’s only going ...

Categories: Fake News

News: NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 9:00pm

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

The rover, named Hope, is a remotely operated, semi-autonomous vehicle outfitted with ultra-sensitive equipment that can detect even the smallest amounts of program-sustaining revenue, NASA scientists confirmed. The unmanned explorer will reportedly traverse the chambers of both the Senate and House of Representatives, continuing its search as long as necessary.

“The climate Hope will be navigating is incredibly hostile to this sort of research,” said project manager John L. Callas of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, explaining that the rover will collect any deposits of funds it can find, however miniscule. “But we have engineered this vehicle to withstand the most challenging fiscal landscape, having learned ...

Categories: Fake News

Chilcot appearance on Just A Minute “longer than 45 minutes”

News Biscuit - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 2:55pm

Sir John Chilcot’s debut appearance on Radio 4 panel show Just a Minute has received a critical mauling, after he hesitated more than any other player in the programme’s history and caused Monday evening’s edition to last fourteen hours instead of the usual thirty minutes.

The former civil servant and independent inquiry chair appeared on the panel alongside series regulars Paul Merton, Sue Perkins and former foreign secretary Jack Straw. As usual, Chilcot was asked to speak for sixty seconds without repetition, deviation or hesitation, but after an initial burst of energy (on the topic ‘the terms of this inquiry’) he rapidly dried up and dragged the proceedings out far longer than anybody else could ever have anticipated.

‘I’ve never known such incompetence,’ said panel chairman Nicholas Parsons. ‘Paul Merton repeated the words ‘sexed up’ at least eight times but Chilcot just sat there, smiling benignly and doing absolutely nothing. It was infuriating.’

Controversially, Chilcot refused to press his buzzer even when Jack Straw was given the subject ‘Why the War in Iraq was Completely Justified’ and committed several deviations from the subject on the card. ‘He paused at least three times,’ said Merton. ‘You could have made a ham sandwich in those pauses. I came all the way from Great Portland Street for this.’

The appearance became Radio 4′s most complained about show of the year. ‘We had eight thousand people emailing in to demand progress before the show had even finished,’ Parsons said. ‘Of course we’ve given Sir John the chance to reply to each criticism individually, but that might take quite a while as well. Between you and me I think he’s just a bit, well, slow.’

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: NYC’s ‘Taxi Of Tomorrow’ Unveiled

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 11:55am

The Nissan NV200 minivan was revealed Tuesday as New York City’s newest taxi, featuring a low-annoyance horn and a more comfortable driver’s seat, with city officials announcing plans to roll out thousands more as older models are retired. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Infographic: What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 9:48am
As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100:
  • Acidification of Earth’s oceans will give seawater refreshing citrus kick
  • Extinction of 80 percent of world’s wildlife to be slightly offset by couple new species of lizard
  • Atmosphere visibly bubbling
  • Vast arid landscape will necessitate the creation of 1,000 new words for the color brown
  • Increased competition for shrinking habitats will finally allow biologists to determine which Arctic species wants it most
  • Temperature of car steering wheel up 18 percent
  • Disappearance of idyllic mountaintop glaciers set between two picturesque peaks may force beverage companies to bottle water from other sources
  • Far more barren desert ...

Categories: Fake News

Commentary: You Really Don’t Know Who People Are Until You Make A Vicious Snap Judgment About Them

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 9:01am

People can be tricky to read sometimes. Often, just when you think you’ve got someone all figured out, they throw you a curveball and you realize you don’t have a clue. I guess human nature is complex like that. So what are we to do? Well, if there’s one thing I’ve discovered over the years, it’s that you can never really know a person until you make a vicious snap judgment about their character.

It’s only after you impulsively assign a fixed set of abhorrent traits to someone that you begin to understand who they truly are deep down.

Believe me, getting to really know someone takes work. You have to make an effort to focus on one superficial aspect of their personality and then judge them for it—quickly and harshly. In an ideal situation, this should happen within the first few minutes ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Relationship In Exciting Early Stage Where Every Exchange Causes Unspeakable Anxiety

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 8:49am

GARDEN CITY, GA—Admitting that they often felt like they were still on their first date, local couple Derek Peterson and Tara Meyers told reporters Tuesday that they were in the early, exciting stage of their relationship where every interaction causes deep, unspeakable anxiety. “It’s only been a few weeks, so we’re still in that fun part where you closely examine every single thing you say, carefully choosing each word and rehearsing it in your head to make sure nothing can be misconstrued as off-putting,” said Meyers, adding that she and Peterson were for the moment just savoring the thrill of overanalyzing every text message for signs that some sort of offense was taken. “Sure, couples change over time, but for now we’re just gonna enjoy worrying whether a minor pause in a phone conversation was an indication that someone’s feelings were hurt and that the ...

Categories: Fake News

Horoscope: Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 7:14am

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 6:55am

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks. “On projects like this, it would probably work better if you bring the design team in for the initial concept meeting with the client to avoid these kinds of complications later on, but I guess you would have known that if you had put even a minute of thought into it from the start,” said Crowell during a one-on-one meeting with one of his project managers, displaying his renowned skill for weaving together valid concerns and helpful pointers with belittling, hurtful jabs to produce a jarring mixture of advice and cruelty. “If I were you, I’d repurpose the basic framework instead of scrapping the ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Report: Climate Change To Force People To Double Ice Cream Consumption Speed By 2050

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 6:17am

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that these projections necessitate immediate action, a report released Thursday by the Environmental Protection Agency revealed that global climate change will force humans to double the speed of their ice cream consumption by the year 2050. “Should greenhouse gas emissions rise according to our current forecasts, the entire global population will need to adapt their ice cream eating habits to the resultant higher temperatures, or risk exposing themselves to sticky hands, faces, and clothing as scoops begin dripping with unprecedented quickness,” said the report’s lead author Amy Ellison, explaining that, within a single generation, humans will have no choice but to eschew any sort of cone and instead opt for a cup and spoon to better contain the faster-melting treat. “Unless we take the necessary steps to reduce CO2 emissions on a global scale, our fate is sealed: ice cream will have to be eaten hastily and ...

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Researchers: Drinking Water Doesn’t Prevent Hangovers

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 6:07am

A new study of 800 Dutch students has concluded that neither drinking water nor eating fatty foods helps significantly ease hangover symptoms after consuming alcohol, emphasizing that the only way to avoid suffering a hangover is to drink less. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 6:05am

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts. “Look at all this—it’s disgusting,” a visibly repulsed Federer said while using his racket to swat a crumpled McDonald’s bag away from the baseline, pulling his shirt collar over his nose to block the court’s putrid stench that had only grown worse in the afternoon sun. “There’s broken glass all over the backcourt, and I stepped on a used condom when I was walking by the net. I’m pretty sure someone went to the bathroom over by the opposite service line too, because it absolutely reeks of piss over there.” Federer added that, despite the repugnant conditions, he is ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

Onion - Tue, 09/01/2015 - 6:04am

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth. “Oh, yeah, if I got a really good windup I bet I could chuck it four or five thousand light-years,” said God as He eyed the third planet from the Sun, adding that He could probably toss it right into the Pleiades star cluster with His eyes closed. “This thing weighs, what, 6 sextillion tons? With a running start, there’s no way I couldn’t get it past the Crab Nebula. Probably farther.” At press time, the Lord was loosening up His arm by lobbing Mercury and Venus into the nearby A0620-00 black hole.

Categories: Fake News

IS still ‘decades away’ from mastering Tetris

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/31/2015 - 2:55pm

Despite their best attempts to demolish the Temple of Bel, the Islamic State has been unable to explode a variety of stacked geometric shapes. Although the historical city of Palmyra boasts more than 1,000 columns, 500 tombs and many coloured squares – the military group has repeatedly ‘topped out’ to the soundtrack of the ‘Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy’.

Touring the Middle East, IS had hoped to destroy a myriad antiquities with their quick fingered mastery of Nintendo’s NES and ‘a huge quantity of explosives’. However, the increasing speed with which these ancient ruins have appeared, have made it impossible to keep up. One terrorist commented: ‘We’d been hoping to level up but we just seem stuck on this medieval zone – which any five year old could master’.

Last week, IS blew up the much smaller Baalshamin temple, but many claim they used ‘cheat codes’. The caliphate knows it is under a timer to complete as many lines as possible before the end of the game – or ‘drone strike’ as it is called.

The UK-based Syrian Observatory for Human Rights monitoring group said: ‘Parts of the Middle East (or ‘Blocks’) are falling faster to IS but at the same time Sunni’s are struggling to manoeuvre around falling debris. To date, Tetris remains the most ported video game in history; while fundamentalism remains the most copied brand of stupidity, since the dawn of time’.

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Mt. McKinley To Be Renamed Denali

Onion - Mon, 08/31/2015 - 12:40pm

As part of his visit to Alaska this week, President Obama will officially change the name of Mt. McKinley back to its original and native name, Denali, a decision praised by Alaska residents who have long fought for the name reversal. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Editorial Cartoon: Suppers And Downers

Onion - Mon, 08/31/2015 - 12:18pm

Categories: Fake News

Sportsgraphic: Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Onion - Mon, 08/31/2015 - 11:48am

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Ted Cruz Worried All The Good Countries To Wall Off Taken By Other Candidates

Onion - Mon, 08/31/2015 - 10:33am

TIPTON, IA—Following Gov. Scott Walker’s recent endorsement of building a fence along the Canadian border, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly worried Monday that all the good foreign countries to wall off from the U.S. had already been taken by other GOP candidates. “Sheesh, the rest of the guys snatched up the best countries right away and now all that’s left to barricade ourselves off from are a few crummy islands,” said Cruz, who appeared visibly distressed upon realizing that, in order to gain attention on the issue of immigration, he was now stuck with backing a plan to build a U.S. border wall in the middle of the Caribbean Sea to keep out undocumented Bahamian citizens. “Boy, I should have jumped on a better option when I still had the chance—it’s down to slim pickings now. Hmm, maybe I can say it would ...

Categories: Fake News
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