Fake News

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 12:21pm
VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...






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Heavy Police Presence In Ferguson To Ensure Residents Adequately Provoked

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 11:16am
FERGUSON, MO—Ahead of a grand jury’s decision over whether to indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, police in the city of Ferguson have reportedly heavily increased their presence this week...






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Sportsgraphic: NFL Week 12 Winners And Losers

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 10:58am
Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the 12th week of the NFL season






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Aspiring Politician Hopes Government Leaves Some Women’s Rights For Him To Gut One Day

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 10:54am
COLUMBIA, MO—Worried that the remaining legal protections in his state will be fully dismantled by the time he can run for office, University of Missouri senior and aspiring politician Andrew Lipian told reporters Monday he hopes the government will...






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Lettuce Sentenced To Slow, Painful Death In Vegetable Crisper Drawer

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 10:25am
Lettuce Sentenced To Slow, Painful Death In Vegetable Crisper Drawer






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Ferguson Pool Supply Store Overestimating How Badly Looters Want Chlorine Tablets

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 9:35am
FERGUSON, MO—Having reportedly enlisted friends and family members to help him board up his shopfront’s windows and reinforce its doors, sources confirmed Monday that Crystal Waters Pool & Spa proprietor Larry Hardwick is greatly overestim...
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New Contraception Law Would Require Teenagers To Consult With 3 Different Peers Before Selecting Birth Control Method

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 8:42am
COLUMBUS, OH—In an effort to help them make informed decisions about their reproductive health, a state law passed Monday will require teenagers to consult with at least three different peers before selecting a method of birth control.






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Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 8:39am
MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...






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Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 8:36am
GREENVILLE, SC—Saying that he only uses it as a last resort, local driver’s ed instructor Bill Dennison confirmed Monday that there is an extra gas pedal on his side of the vehicle in case one of his students is a complete pussy.






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Lifetime Presidency ‘too short’ claims Putin

News Biscuit - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 8:00am

After two stints as President, two as Prime Minister and now another as President, Vladimir Putin is still unable to justify stepping down in the foreseeable future when there’s ‘so much more to do’, according to reports from the Kremlin.

‘I’ve given this a lot of thought,’ said the President, who still retains his boyish good looks and youthful frame despite 15 years at the top. ‘The way I look at it, 2020 is too soon for a guy like me to stop. It’s going to take until the end of 2015 to reunite Russia with the Ukraine, a couple of years more to bring Albania back into the fold and then there’s Poland? And the Baltics?’

‘Come on, Rome wasn’t invaded in a day,’ he added, circling a date in 2022 that had ‘invade Rome and pick up dry cleaning’ penciled in already. ‘Don’t take that too literally,’ he joked, ‘There’s no hurry for the dry cleaning.’

Throngsman

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Slideshow: The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 24, 2014

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 7:15am
The Week In Pictures – Week Of November 24, 2014






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American Voices: Study: Women In Power More Prone To Depression

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 7:04am
According to a new study, women in positions of authority who have the power to hire, fire, and determine the pay of workers are more prone to depression symptoms, which may be because female bosses are more heavily scrutinized than their male peers and e...






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Editorial Cartoon: Plymouth Crock

Onion - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 6:58am
Plymouth Crock






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Thousands turn up to watch pensioner’s Xmas lights being switched off

News Biscuit - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 5:00am

More than 5,000 people braved pouring rain in Scunthorpe last night to watch 93 year old Reginald Smith’s Christmas lights being switched off.

Celebrity chef Pierre Blanc took centre stage on behalf of Northern Electric after the pensioner failed to stump up the outstanding £27 owed before the 8pm deadline.

The excited crowd provided a ten second countdown before witnessing fairy lights and smoke alarms flicker and die and the house fall into darkness.

A spokesman for Northern Electric praised the spirit of those turning out to celebrate the occasion, adding that rising energy prices could make the switching off a regular feature on the winter calendar. Local undertakers ‘Body & Son’ have already expressed an interest in sponsoring future events.

Mr Smith was unavailable for comment and in fact hasn’t been seen or heard of since the ceremony.

underconstruction

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Family of brain-dead woman finally agree to switch off X Factor

News Biscuit - Mon, 11/24/2014 - 4:30am

A family from Ipswich has taken the agonising decision to remove their matriarch, Mrs Brenda Higgins, from the reality TV format that has been sustaining her Saturday evenings. ‘It’s just not right to keep her like this,’ said her husband John, who has kept a faithful vigil by her side since the audition rounds. ‘She has no quality of conversation, no hope of intelligent thought. We had hoped there were some signs of higher brain function when she appeared to express outrage at Lucie’s eviction from the competition, but we quickly realised it was just a reflex reaction to Danni Minogue’s stupid fringe.’

Doctors had initially hoped that Mrs Higgins could be gradually taken off the X-Factor and could enjoy a reasonable quality of life with specially adapted episodes of Opportunity Knocks. ‘But we quickly realised that the extent of the intellectual decline was just too severe,’ said Dr Angelo Kroukas, who led the team that pioneered the antidote to Britain’s Next Top Model.

‘When she commented ‘do these people really think they can sing?’ in the early days, we knew she had lost the ability to contribute anything interesting. But by the time she remarked that ‘I think some people just vote for the ones they like’ we knew any hope of her ever being engaging company again had long gone.’

The Higgins family were being comforted at home last night as experts completed the channel-changing procedure that would bring and end to Brenda’s suffering. ‘The family asks that you respect their privacy at this difficult time,’ said a tearful neighbour. ‘But by all means keep invading that of the X-Factor hopefuls. It’s what Brenda would have wanted.’

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Disaffected UK extremists ‘may not be allowed to re-join the Conservative Party’

News Biscuit - Sun, 11/23/2014 - 3:55pm

The Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later return to the Conservative Party.

While support for UKIP continues to grow, many of those who joined are now looking for a way back, having become disillusioned with life in the organisation. Douglas Barswell (not his real name) is one such individual. Douglas joined UKIP a few months ago, after being radicalised by the online sermons of their enigmatic leader Nige Al-Farage, but now wants to leave.

‘When you first get in contact they make it sound like a great life,’ he explained. ‘They’ll say, “Sure, you can go and have five pints in your lunch hour and still drive back to the office” or “Yeah, we’ll give you your own saucy 70’s sitcom secretary who considers a playful slap on the arse or a quick breast rummage to be the most empowering compliment any man could pay her”, but when you get there it’s a different story.’

‘Instead, I get up really early and spend all morning misinterpreting some statistics. Then at lunchtime I have to give Nige his daily oiling, while the rest of the day is spent denouncing his views on privatised healthcare, arguing that Mark Feckless (not his real name) doesn’t always mean what he says or trying to persuade Mike Read not to record any more bizarre racist singles.’

John Chapman, an outreach worker who specialises in combatting extremism at grass roots level explained, ‘Douglas is a classic example of the sort of disaffected 48 year old white male that, faced with losing both his majority and his hair, and equipped with a misplaced nostalgia for a time when a Polish Shop was somewhere that you’d go to buy turtle wax, becomes an easy target for the extremists. My job is to stop that happening in the first place.’

‘But society needs to do its bit as well and understand that deep down they are just ordinary people trying to make sense of life. In fact, if you take away their six bedroom Georgian townhouses, holiday cottages in Cornwall, well stocked wine cellars, regular skiing holidays, generous expense accounts, lucrative company directorships, brand new X-Type Jaguars and all-expense paid business class ‘fact finding’ missions to the Seychelles then you’ll find they’re just like you and I.’

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It Becoming More And More Clear That Browns Fan Came To Sports Bar Alone

Onion - Sun, 11/23/2014 - 1:00pm
HOUSTON—Noting his quiet demeanor and the fact that he has not been included in any of the conversations taking place around him, sources at Murphy’s Tavern and Grill confirmed Sunday with increasing certainty that a Cleveland Browns fan has s...






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New research cast doubts on the story of the tortoise and the hare

News Biscuit - Sun, 11/23/2014 - 4:00am

Scientists at a West Midlands University have expressed doubts about the story of the tortoise and the hare, after reproducing the race under laboratory conditions. The researchers recruited a variety of species of tortoise and hare and raced them over distances from 10 metres up to 10 miles. In every single case the hare won and the tortoise had barely finished crossing the start line. ‘We expected one of the hares to stop for a nap or eat a slap up meal or something but they just kept running’ said Professor de Bono of the University of Oxford in Wolverhampton.

The story, written by Aesop in olden times, has been used for years by teachers to encourage fat, asthmatic children to run against the fit kids on school sports days. ‘To be honest we have been concerned about this story for some time’ said a teacher, ‘because the fat kids always lost.’

Professor de Bono and his team have now turned their attention to a more modern tale, which is also under suspicion. ‘The story claims that a felis and a strigiforme went on a boating holiday together. However,’ declared Dr de Bono, ‘we have tried this several times and so far have three drowned cats and four severely mauled owls.’

blacklesbian

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X-Factor viewers thrilled by ‘Joy Division week’

News Biscuit - Sun, 11/23/2014 - 2:00am

Last night saw pop contest X-Factor pay tribute to seminal post-punk band Joy Division, as each of the remaining finalists sought to impress judges and public alike with interpretations of their favourite tracks by the influential Manchester combo.

One Direction, the last remaining group, kicked things off with what the judges agreed was a ‘modern, relevant, and tasteful’ version of Love Will Tear Us Apart, finishing with each of them climbing onto a stool as nooses were lowered from above – a nod to the circumstances surrounding the suicide of Joy Division’s lead singer, Ian Curtis, in 1980.

‘It was a heart-breaking performance, and not a single doo-wop out of place,’ said Simon Cowell. ‘As you stood on those stools and sang, I think everyone watching would have understood just how Ian Curtis felt that night.’

The Ian Curtis leitmotif continued in the choreography of the next number with Rebecca Ferguson applying her likeability factor to Transmission, surrounded by two dozen dancers simulating synchronised epileptic seizures. She was followed by Cher Lloyd making She’s Lost Control her own, bringing the track right up to date with her inimitable rap stylings. ‘I could see that being a hit record tomorrow,’ said Cheryl Cole, ‘at least in the miserabilist-rap crossover chart.’

‘The one to beat’, Matt Cardle, then wowed the audience with a slowed down 11-minute version of Atmosphere, receiving a standing ovation from all four judges. But controversy followed Mary Byrne’s operatic rendition of In a Lonely Place, with Simon Cowell accusing Mary’s mentor, Louis Walsh, of bending the rules in his song choice by using a New Order track on Joy Division night.

The evening was rounded off in style, first by Katie Waissel delivering a restrained version of Dead Souls which Dannii Minogue felt ‘captured perfectly Curtis’s toneless baritone’, and then Wagner ‘nailing’ his reggae medley of Atrocity Exhibition, Leaders of Men and These Days. ‘I think even Ian Curtis would have been tapping his foot to that one,’ gushed his mentor Louis Walsh.

With the music of an alternative British group making last night such a success, producers have wasted no time in announcing the theme of next week’s show. ‘Next time: it’s Bauhaus!’

20th November 2010

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Derbyshire man devises fellatio voucher scheme after breastfeeding initiative

News Biscuit - Sat, 11/22/2014 - 3:55pm

Gary Prendergast, a 32 year old Derbyshire man, has successfully introduced a fellatio voucher scheme into his marriage.

The scheme follows on from a controversial Government health program in three areas of Derbyshire to persuade mothers to breastfeed by offering them shopping vouchers of up to £200.

‘After giving birth the wife suddenly became reluctant to go down in her usual way saying things were different now that we’d got the bab. So when she started getting vouchers to suckle the little nipper I realised that some kind of incentive was the best way forward if my little nipper was to get some attention too.’

Since launching the scheme Gary says that he hasn’t looked back, offering vouchers in denominations of £10, £50, £150 and £200 for various kinds of matrimonial service from prostate massage to teabagging.

‘The money has suddenly broken down the barriers preventing oral satisfaction and made fellatio feel normal and natural again to the missus.’

Since the scheme started Gary’s wife has taken charge of a new Ford Mondeo, dined out at the local Harvester for the last five Sundays on the trot and enjoyed several facials.

Gary’s scheme is now being rolled out across the whole county and has the support of hundreds of married men who are keen to try it out. But there has been some criticism from some women.

Dr Barbara Kanter from Derbyshire STD outreach group said, ‘It is essentially a bribe if you’re offering money for fellatio and we are seeking expert advice about the legality of the scheme.’

However, Mr Prendergast remains convinced that men and women across the County will come to their own very satisfactory conclusions by taking up the scheme.

‘It’s a win win situation. Dr Kanter can do what she wants but it will never stand up in court.’

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