Fake News

‘Please…smash…me’ mouths Ronaldo statue

News Biscuit - Mon, 04/03/2017 - 4:00am

The honorary bust of Cristiano Ronaldo has ‘begged to be destroyed’ sources close to the footballer have revealed.  Unveiled as a tribute at Madeira airport on Wednesday, the bizarre unlikeness has caused an outpouring of compassion and ethical debate on social media over its wish to be euthanised.

‘Is very hard for me’, said the Real Madrid number 7 and Portugal superstar.  ‘Clearly this is great honour for me, for Portugal, but Ronaldo #6 so is so sad, so broken.  He look like a failed Ripley clone from Alien Resurrection.  Perhaps he just needs peace?’

Keen not to be seen to be snubbing the honour of having the island’s airport after him, Mr Ronaldo’s PR team are hoping to arrange a tasteful, yet high profile, decommissioning ceremony whereby Cristiano kicks open the door and weeps while incinerating the monstrosity with a flame thrower.

thatwasbeast

Categories: Fake News

Attractive woman in bikini breaks silence over unseasonably warm weather

News Biscuit - Mon, 04/03/2017 - 2:00am

A size 10 blonde from Southend-on-Sea has come forward in a fetching and diminutive halterneck swimsuit to go public with her views on the unusually warm bank holiday weekend. ‘It’s really hot,’ announced Courtney Jones, 19, 36D. ‘Last time it was this hot was like last summer when I went on holiday to Mykonos and me and Jade went on this mega booze boat where they made you down tequila shots for breakfast and then ride a banana boat topless and Melissa pulled that bloke who smelled like soup. It’s like… so hot.’

As the sun glistened on her lightly oiled sun-kissed skin, Courtney considered whether this abnormally warm Easter may be linked to environmental factors such as glacial recession and if we as a species should take greater heed of the significant paleoclimatological concerns about projected rises in the Earth’s near surface air temperature throughout the 21st Century. ‘Nah. It’s just really hot,’ opined Courtney, delicately rearranging the rear of her swimsuit as she apologised for her ‘hungry bum’.

A professor of meteorology who happened to be sunbathing nearby offered his services for interview, but was told that the reporter had everything he needed and was further advised to immediately seek the dictionary definition of ‘back, sack ‘n’ crack’.

When pressed further on her plans for the remainder of the Spring break, Ms Jones detailed her plans for ensuring an even and strapless tan, determined to escape the perils of ‘tits like a pair of headlights’. ‘But then it’s the Royal wedding next weekend and me and the girls are going up to London and we’ll like camp the night outside the church so we can see Kate’s dress,’ revealed Courtney, denying strenuous suggestions from Jade that ‘you just want to give Prince William one, oh God, you so do, don’t you dare deny it you lying cow’.

‘I bet her dress will be like, so gorgeous, like Karen Millen or something. Of course, there will be the question lingering throughout the day of whether an outdated and oligarchic institution like the constitutional monarchy truly has a valid contribution to make to 21st Century Britain, but I think it’s important to celebrate the nuptials of a young couple in love,’ added Courtney. ‘But seriously though. I hope it’s like, well hot.’

Categories: Fake News

Sadly Tennis ‘still a thing’

News Biscuit - Sun, 04/02/2017 - 2:55pm

Through the inept competence of Johanna Konta, British sports fans have been forced to acknowledge her victory at the Miami Open and, by implication, the existence of that medieval torture – commonly known as – Tennis.  Many had hoped that this archaic snooze-fest had died out alongside other historical favourites such as witch-burning, rickets and Proportional Representation.

Inspired by Louis X of France, after he ‘bludgeoned to death a midget’ using a polo mallet, the game of Tennis was soon adopted in England as a way to ward off evil spirits.  The, then thirteenth, Marquis of Wimbledon is attributed with establishing the first set of rules; developed out of an elaborate scheme to protect Papist Monks from the terrors of the Reformation, amorous Nuns and Association Rules football.

To this day, the game is still played in a Top Hat and jodhpurs, with players hitting a swan’s egg over a moat.  Peasants scramble for any wayward egg (or ‘ball’), then must doth their cap and buttocks upon return.  Traditionally a live fox is released into the ground in between sets and is ritually torn apart by a wild pack of reporters.  Cliff Richard is optional.

The game is presided over by sitting High Court Judge, resplendent in a gigantic high-chair and bib.  Scoring is based on elaborate tax returns from the Cayman Islands.  While the crowd is encouraged to gasp every time a faux pas or split infinitive occurs.

Miss Konta is not the first successful British female player, in fact the first lady player participated in 1862 – although it later transpired that it was actually an inaccurately sexed baboon.  Primates had been allowed to play since the late 1700s, ever since the 18th Marquis was mistakenly married to ring-tailed lemur by a drunken Papist monk.  One reluctant fan commented: ‘Henman’s Hill. Murray’s Mound.  Konta’s Ku- yep, that’s not going to work’.

Categories: Fake News

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 5:00pm
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