A&E departments across England are struggling to deal with the unprecedented numbers of reporters and news crews that have descended upon them in the last few days. Cameramen have reported being kept waiting in corridors for up to eight hours, and more than twenty hospitals have admitted missing their target of enabling broadcasts to be transmitted from their emergency rooms every four hours.
âThe demand is just too great for us to cope withâ explained Guy’s and St Thomas’ Hospital’s spokesman Hilary Chappell. âAttention from the media always peaks during the winter months, but this year, with an election just round the corner, weâve just been swamped. Weâve called in all media-trained staff in an attempt to clear the backlog, but during peak times, such as when the six oâclock and ten oâclock news is on, the number of journalists seeking attention is simply too much.â
âPart of the problem is the number of non-urgent requests for interviews hospitals are receivingâ argued Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. âThe Bristol Royal Infirmary reported that more than twenty percent of all journalists attending their A&E department yesterday could have obtained a story somewhere else instead, freeing up doctors and nurses to give their attention to more important news stations, or to treat patients of course. Our message to the media is to see if they can annoy politicians, schools or foreigners first before getting in the way at hospitals.â
Labour blamed recent cuts in social care funding for the crisis though. âClearly the cuts havenât gone far enoughâ said Shadow Health Secretary Andy Burnham. âIf budgets had been slashed even further we could have seen journalists covering care home closures or public sector strikes instead. If we win the next election, thatâs exactly what weâll do.â
There was some good news yesterday however, as Sky Newsâ Kay Burley was said to have been kept waiting in a crowded, vomit splattered corridor for over twelve hours. A spokesman for the hospital concerned said âHa ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!â
Speculation Mounting Over Which Fired NFL Head Coaches To Be Emasculated As Coordinators Next Season
The Otis Elevator Company have announced the introduction of radical new technology in their latest range of lifts which actually increases the response time of the lift the more you press the call button. Following extensive consumer research, the company identified a niche in the market as elevators across the world were reported to be completely ignoring repetitive hole pressing.
The new technology, called Pronto, uses a patented âimpatience accelerator engineâ to increase the speed of the lift depending on how hard and how often the call button is pushed. It also has a built in voice recognition facility which responds to the phrases âCome on, come on!â and âFor Godâs sake!â
The new smart lifts can also recognize the fingerprint of people who are not welcome at the building, and will repeatedly offer them lifts going in the opposite direction to the one requested, or will sometimes just close the lift doors and then open them again on the same floor.
âWe want to take lift technology to the next levelâ said the inventor of the Pronto software. âWe are bored with just installing security cameras and then watching footage of people squeezing their blackheads in the lift mirrors.â
The technology is also being adapted for Pedestrian Light-Controlled Crossings, where a camera will monitor approaching cars, and will only turn the lights red if the pedestrians have already crossed during a gap in the traffic.
mattdaniels (with thanks to Des Custard)
Despite seven years of ill-considered wit, grammatical errors and excessive references to the Isle of Wight, Newsbiscuit.com has thoroughly failed to offend any terrorist organisation. While masked gunmen opened fire on French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, the wags of Newsbiscuit continue to churn out ‘half-arsed puns’ with impunity.
‘It’s not that we haven’t tried,’ said one disillusioned writer. ‘I’ve mocked David Cameron, I’ve imitated Ed Miliband’s nasal twang and I’ve drawn an enormous c**k on Nigel Farrage’s forehead. It almost as if my seventeen years of accountancy in Basingstoke has failed to hone my comedic genius. I once wrote a damning but droll story about EU fisheries policy – it got 400 Facebook ‘likes’…unfortunately ninety percent of those were from me spam-clicking the page.’
Human rights activists have expressed concern that Newsbiscuit will continue its campaign of ‘whimsical bilge’. A Newsbiscuit spokesman said: âWeâre trying to be more like Private Eye. They once did this humorous thing with a play on words, Eton rowing song and a split infinitive. Very clever. I knew it was funny the moment I didn’t understand it.’
Meanwhile fundamentalist Islamists have repeatedly attacked satirists for lampooning the Prophet Muhammad, but are yet to react to Newsbiscuitâs clever satire of the bitterly contested Women’s Institute regional election in Appuldurcombe. One extremists said: ‘Newswhat? Biscuitwho?â One Newsbiscuit editor said in response: âPhew!â
Sarcasm, parody and irony are all said to have been used in what many are seeing as a broader attack on everyone’s freedom to stone homosexuals or cut babies in half.
IS employee, Mohammed Adir, was quietly working on ways to interpret ancient religious texts so as to justify beheading schoolgirls when the siege took place. ‘One of them had a sketchpad,’ he said, ‘but that’s about all I can remember. I think he was the leader.’
‘The rest of them just sat there riffing gags back and forth and taking central tenets of our religious philosophy to their naturally absurd logical conclusions. They must have been planning it for months,’ he added.
Abu Mustafa, an IS freelancer who was busy cutting the still-screaming head off an aid worker in Northern Africa when he heard of the attack, considers himself lucky. ‘What’s the world coming to when you can’t go about trying to establish a worldwide caliphate of unchallenged barbaric totalitarianism in peace?’
‘I’m just thankful that most of those in the building at the time didn’t possess the requisite critical thinking skills to have been affected. Otherwise, who knows how many might have ‘got it’.’
Sadly, not everyone was so fortunate; the worst affected being the twelve who were subjected to over forty minutes of humorous, rational observations encouraging healthy skepticism and freedom of thought. Unfortunately, for IS and all its supporters, their condition is now said to be ‘critical’.
Recent amendments to the civil partnership laws have resulted in Britainâs first ever legal marriage between a man and his computer. Steve Wibburn, 27, from Brighton yesterday married his Hewlett Packard Pavilion (Media Centre Edition) desktop computer and has opted to take the name of his PC.
âWeâve been together for just over a year now, but even from the earliest moment I knew Iâd finally found complete happiness. I just didnât want to be with anyone or anything else for the rest of my life,â said Wibburn. âShe entertains me, she keeps me well-informed, we listen to our favourite music together,â he added, âand as for the sex, well itâs constant. I could never turn on a woman as easily as I turn on my computer.â Mr Wibburn says their only argument was when he became jealous of a technician tweaking one of her USB ports but the couple have apparently put that behind them and are hoping to have a little laptop together.
Wibburnâs friends suspected that Steve must be in love, when they realised that they were seeing less and less of him. He had given up tennis club, his evening classes, and his trips to the local library, so they knew something special must have come into his life. He claims he still ventures out of his room for trips to PC World to buy little trinkets and add-onâs for his new partner and itâs always with a look of joy that he hands his purchases to the cashier and says, âSheâs just going to love this.â
Steveâs friends did point out that one day, like all computers, Mr Wibburnâs Pavilion may become a bit erratic and slow down and start losing things. However Steve is adamant that that he wonât let that come between them. âWell thatâs going to happen to me too, so hopefully we can grow old together with lots of happy memories,â said Steve glancing at a brand new Sony Vaio that was a guest at the reception.
In a community already devastated by murder, dour-faced detectives will tackle a spate of shocking crimes that culminate in the vandalism of the cricket pavilion.
Hoping to garner better viewing figures than the US version of the show, Broadchurch creator Chris Chibnall has promised to look at the darker side of stolen pickânâmix. Award winning Olivia Coleman will give another stellar performance, drawing on her years of training at the Judy Dench Drama School for Smiling, while David Tennant reprises his role as ‘the bearded weasel’.
Referencing plotlines from the first series, viewers will be left on tenterhooks as to the identity of the perpetrator of the vomit puddle next to the war memorial. Bookies’ favourite is film star Charlotte Rampling, who joins the cast as a woman coming to terms with damage to her allotment. In one particularly harrowing episode Oscar-nominee Marianne Jean-Baptiste, will discover that someone has been selling unlicensed fish without due health and safety measures.
Refuting criticism that the show has run out of ideas, an ITV spokeswoman said: âOnly Broadchurch is addressing the serious issue of piggybacking on your neighbour’s wi-fi. These may seem like petty misdemeanours but to your average Daily Mail reader, this is serious stuff. No one wants to live in fear of someone forging a parent’s signature on school notes, breaking noise ordinances or worse still, posting flyers on a telephone pole. Itâs gritty. Itâs grim. Itâs got dog poo everywhere.’