The BBC entered a new era this weekend with the launch of â€˜BBC Hardcoreâ€™ â€“ a free to air pornography channel intended to compete with the fastest growing area of digital broadcasting. â€˜BBC 69â€™ as it will also be known will cater for those who are currently being attracted away from the corporationâ€™s mainstream channels by programmes featuring large breasted women having sex with unlikely strangers at very little prompting.
â€˜We have to recognise that there is a market for these programmesâ€™ acknowledged the BBC Director General Mark Thompson, reacting to tabloid headlines such as â€˜Auntieâ€™s Bloomerâ€™s Now Crotchlessâ€™; â€˜Our public service brief is to cater for everyone. We see it as part of the BBCâ€™s historic remit to inform, educate, and sexually arouse.â€™
The first programme on â€˜BBC 69â€™ as it will also known, was a fly-on-the-wall type documentary about a muscle-bound pizza delivery man who received an order from a lone blonde woman specifying that she wanted â€˜extra large sausageâ€™. The programme was followed by a public service announcement, stating â€˜If you were affected by any of the issues raised in â€˜We Promise Not to Come Within 30 Minutesâ€™ then please phone the BBC 24 hour Helpline for interactive live chat with these girls.
BBC Hardcore is also launching a competition to find Britainâ€™s next big porn star, with thousands of unlikely candidates auditioning to be the winner of â€˜The XXX Factor.â€™ â€˜Iâ€™ve definitely got what it takes to win The XXX Factorâ€™ said twenty-stone grandmother of seven Mavis Johnson from Wigan to the derisive laughter of the judges. Finalists in the search for a porn-star will have to demonstrate their versatility by specializing in a different fetish every week, with Bruce Forsyth guiding the contestants through their paces.
At a Press The Director General claimed that BBC Hardcore represented the future of Public Service Broadcasting, and went on to praise a number of the individual programmes in some detail. Although he confessed that he was unable to comment on the end of â€˜LadyBoys Must Be Punishedâ€™; â€˜as I heard my wife coming downstairs.â€™
The soon-to-be former Shadow Home Secretary, Andy Burnham, has called for the Parliamentary Labour Party to â€˜unite, or somethingâ€™, as he prepares to leave Parliament for the next eight years, minimum. Burnham, who is making a departure from Westminster to escape from his own party, confirmed that the best way forward for Labour is if everyone else comes together.
â€˜Things are about to start going really well for me, personally,â€™ Burnham went on, while carefully enveloping garden gnomes in bubble wrap. ‘I’m about to run for Mayor of Manchester, which is going to be a right laugh. I won’t have to deal with the great unwashed and I’ll be able to pop back in about a decade, win the leadership, and hopefully be able to bring your â€“ er, our – party back up above 100 seats again.â€™
â€˜It’ll be really tough for Labour to win the next few general elections, so that’s why I’m sodding off for a bit,â€™ he explained, as he strapped the kids in the car and his wife packed the last of the glassware. â€˜Other than in Manchester. They love us in Manchester. It’ll be like Bono campaigning for election at a Bono concert, or whatever.â€™
â€˜So yeah,â€™ finished the grinning northerner, rolling down the window of his new sports car to toss away his cigarette butt in a â€˜devil may careâ€™ way. â€˜Work together, Labour. Or not. I’ll come back and sort it all out just as soon as everyone’s forgotten the time when I lost the leadership to a bearded old socialist who loves drain covers.
After all, running a major city is usually a stepping stone to Number Ten. Ask Boris. No, actually, donâ€™t.â€™
Rumours that the Burnhams blasted songs by the anti-Corbyn half of UB40 out of their car stereo as they sped up the motorway remain unconfirmed, as does the suggestion that his first acts as Mayor of Manchester will be to instate a minimum eyelash length and issue new gibbon-swaggering guidelines within the city limits.
Fred Fortune. Hat tip to Sir Lupus
A right-wing think tank that has hailed an increase in attempted suicides as evidence that savings can still be made from the social security budget. With a concerted effort to depress the populace, tax credits could easily be replaced with a bottle of sleeping pills, while the welfare safety-net could be made into a fetching noose, the Adam Smith Institute said.
A pioneering study has revealed that dead people are substantially less likely to claim benefits. Explained one call centre operative: â€˜Here at Concentrix, we regularly speak to suicidal clients. But why worry about eating, when you can just stop? For us itâ€™s about consumer choice. And we encourage them to choose natural selection. If youâ€™re a low-income household whoâ€™ve had your tax credits stopped in error, this can be reviewed through a simple appeals procedure. Likewise any rash suicides.â€™