Fake News

Sportsgraphic: NFL Week One Winners And Losers

Onion - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 8:58am
Onion Sports presents its winners and losers from the first week of the NFL season






Categories: Fake News

Editorial Cartoon: Sit. Stay. Die!

Onion - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 8:27am
Sit. Stay. Die!






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Every One Of Man’s Priorities Unrecognizable To Grandfather

Onion - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 7:10am
STOUGHTON, MA—From his aversion to using plastic bags to his refusal to eat bread and other foods containing gluten, every one of local man Joshua Pell’s life priorities is reportedly baffling to his grandfather, Everett Pell, sources confirme...






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Study: Action Movies Make People Eat More

Onion - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 6:40am
According to a new study, people watching action movies eat twice as much food as those watching talk shows, which may be because fast-paced programs can distract viewers from how much food they’re putting in their mouths.






Categories: Fake News

Free school meals to include ‘pony and rabbit’

News Biscuit - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 6:00am

Education Minister David Laws says that free school dinners for primary school children will include ‘rabbit and pony’. Law said that coalition research had shown every child under the age of six adored ponies and rabbits and saw no reason why this love of red meat would not transfer to the dinner table.

Laws added that most kids from poorer backgrounds didn’t even know what it was like to hold a rabbit in their hands, but thanks to coalition initiatives, this was about to change – and it would come with a choice of barbecue sauce.

‘Thanks to our good friends at Tesco, pony has already been on the menu for years, so no horrible surprises there for our school kids, whatever their background’, Laws said today, adding: ‘And the great thing is, there will be no means testing, so chances are the next time some privileged child digs into some pony ribs it will be with a knife and fork and not a pair of riding boots’.

Some schools say government money to improve the 15,200 kitchens across the country has ‘not been enough’. Laws quickly hit back, arguing that the coalition had tough choices to make regarding the funding of the nation’s kitchens.

‘We have done our best to provide adequate cooking facilities for the 1.5m school children across the country, but after we spent £4m on Will and Kate’s new kitchen at Kensington Palace, there wasn’t that much left’.

Categories: Fake News

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures – Week Of September, 8, 2014

Onion - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 5:50am
The Week In Pictures – Week Of September, 8, 2014






Categories: Fake News

Salmond proposes ‘Mars Bar currency’

News Biscuit - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 3:05am

Amid the furore about keeping the pound as its currency and the confirmation that it could take ‘over five years’ to join the EU, Alex Salmond has revealed that the Mars Bar would be an interim currency.

‘One king-sized Mars Bar would be the equivalent of one British pound and a deep fried Mars Bar would be like a fiver’, said Salmond today. ‘I suppose those frozen Mars ice creams you find in petrol stations would be like a fifty-pound note’.

He added: ‘We’ve measured the volume of the major Scottish banks and calculated how many freezers we can fit in them to store Mars Bars. We expect to be able to hold at least eighty million bars in reserve’.

One economist pointed out that, eighty million Mars bars would only keep the economy running for three-weeks. ‘They eat ten million every week without other transactions and they only cost eighty-pence to buy, so I think the policy has some significant flaws,’ he said, adding, ‘and what’s to stop fraudsters deep frying or even freezing their own Mars bars?’

throngsman

Categories: Fake News

One in ten fire-fighters ‘not fit enough’ to be novelty strippers

News Biscuit - Mon, 09/08/2014 - 1:10am

Hen parties, tree-bound felines and infernos throughout the UK have been put at risk by the paucity of ‘fit’ fire-fighters. Those in active service are expected to pass strident examinations in ‘oxygen consumption’, ‘body waxing’ and use of ‘double entendre’. Not only have 10% of the UK’s fire service recently failed an exercise test, but most have displayed allergies to baby oil, thongs and Velcro.

The Scottish Fire and Rescue Service (SFRS) (whose motto is ‘teaze not sleaze’) is one of the worst offenders for ‘fitness’; trying to substitute high-class party entertainment with novelty gorilla-grams, topless waiters and one petulant dwarf in a kilt. One disappointed bride said: ‘We called 999 in response to bonfire getting out of control. When the crew arrived they made no attempt to extinguish the flames, remove their clothing or rub their genitals on my face’.

The Chief Fire Officers Association has promised to introduce a nationwide fitness standard which will include ‘weight training’, ‘whipped cream guzzling’ and ‘gyrating’ for an hour to ‘It’s Raining Men’. Fire-fighters have long used part-time work to supplement their income and stripping is the easiest way to pay your way through college. An SFRS spokesman said: ‘If our members want to continue to show their members, they need to buff up. Public safety can only be guaranteed if we quickly tackle fires and fire our tackle quickly. We need to return to our proud roots as sensuous, well-built strippers with an intimidatingly large hose’.

Categories: Fake News

Polish Jack the Ripper ‘probably had a free council house too’, claim UKIP

News Biscuit - Sun, 09/07/2014 - 2:55pm

The mystery surrounding Britain’s most notorious serial killer ‘Jack the Ripper’ has finally been solved this week, after ‘conclusive DNA evidence’ revealed him to be Polish immigrant Aaron Kosminski, a hairdresser living in Whitechapel.  The startling revelation has caught the attention of the world, including UKIP, who have already claimed that Kosminski was ‘probably a sponger’.

‘This just proves that, even nineteenth-century England would have been a safer place, had UKIP been around’, said party leader Nigel Farage today. ‘Looking at his handy work, I always guessed he was eastern European. He no doubt arrived illegally and was given a massive council house, or whatever the equivalent was back then’.

He continued: ‘And he probably didn’t pay any tax with that barbershop of his either, which would have freed up enough cash to buy the equipment needed to commit those heinous crimes on our people. Not much changes, does it? Change can happen, though; just vote UKIP. Don’t let Jack win. That’s our new strapline’.

Businessman and Jack the Ripper researcher Russell Edwards, who revealed his findings after fourteen-years of painstaking analysis, said: ‘It was a wonderful feeling, finally unmasking the world’s most infamous serial killer. As soon as I announced he was Polish, I had Nigel on the phone, congratulating me. He wants me to star in their next Party Political Broadcast on the BBC, apparently called, ‘See, We Told You So’.

UKIP are also claiming to have their own evidence to support the findings: ‘We’ve conducted our own investigation into the grisly murders of 1888’, claimed the party’s newest member, Douglas Carswell. ‘We have it on good authority that the piece of fabric covered in the victim’s blood and Kosminski’s DNA was found next to a spanner, a workman’s belt and some stolen copper piping. Case closed’.

Categories: Fake News

Controversy as Eric Pickles awarded planning consent for fourth chin

News Biscuit - Sun, 09/07/2014 - 3:00am

Opponents of the expansion of Eric Pickles have reacted angrily today to the news that the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government has been granted planning consent for a fourth chin. ‘The decision to allow a fourth chin is an environmental disaster’ said Greenpeace activist Fenton Barnes. ‘The expansion in the capacity of Eric Pickles will only lead to a large increase in greenhouse gas emissions, specifically methane’.

Neighbours of Mr Pickles are also unhappy with the decision. ‘We objected to the planning application because when Pickles is in his garden he already blocks out most of our sunlight’ said next door neighbour Jessica Harrington. ‘The construction of a fourth chin means we can pretty much wave goodbye to lovely summer days relaxing in the sunshine. Noise pollution is also a concern, when a belly the size of his rumbles it can make the lives of people nearby a misery’.

Mr Pickles told reporters ‘the planned expansion is good news for the local economy; it will create hundreds of jobs in catering and associated industries. I understand the concerns of neighbours and environmental groups but they’ll just have to take it on the chin. Pun intended’.

harrypalmer

Categories: Fake News

Mystery surrounds repeated absences of ‘useless fat pillock’ salesman

News Biscuit - Sat, 09/06/2014 - 2:55pm

Scholars at market-tracking software firm eMarket Systems in Basingstoke are engaged in a lengthy, rancorous debate about the repeated absences from work of weighty sales executive Jason Bradshaw. Several are now planning to rock conventional views of world history by publishing their findings.

Variously described as ‘a salad-dodging gobshite’, ‘not bad when he actually lifts the sodding phone’ and ‘a fat waste of space who looks like Shrek’, Bradshaw has been away from work for 75 of the 245 working days since joining the firm last autumn. He has variously attributed this to migraines, car breakdowns and relatives dying. However, senior accountant Nigel Clark, who first spotted Bradshaw’s propensity to return on Tuesday mornings unshaven, believes there may be more sinister causes.

‘HR have established that he is 43% more likely to be away one week either side of the full moon than the new moon and this must be statistically significant,’ said Clark, author of the forthcoming ‘Secrets of the Wolf People’. ‘Whether he is in a sinister cult that pretend to be wolves to worship the Greek moon goddess Artemis at night or his migraines are caused by the fluctuating tides I have yet to establish.’

Marketing executive Louisa Woods, by contrast, noted that Bradshaw’s chair on the fifth carousel from reception is situated where four ley lines cross. ‘It’s the chair itself that is jinxed because of changes Earth’s magnetic field and that’s why its previous occupant, sales manager David Peters, only lasted three months,’ she wrote in her new book ‘Fingerprints of the Druids’. ‘I never bought into the idea he was eased out for shagging my predecessor. That’s just what THEY want us to think.’

Other theories involve Bradshaw being in an al-Qaeda sleeper cell and a Masonic plot to destabilise the entire business software market and bring the economy crashing to a halt. However, research by company director Michael Higgins which is currently in proof at Sidgwick & Jackson found that monthly sales on Bradshaw’s patch have not varied for over four years, no matter who is meant to be selling there.

To Woods, though, this is no mystery. ‘Our products are adequate, so they sell themselves,’ she said. ‘And if they were significantly different to six or seven other equally adequate products in the same field, we wouldn’t need a sales and marketing department, would we? Duh.’

Categories: Fake News

Man mistakes chasing his children up the stairs shouting ‘Raarrr!!!’ for parenting

News Biscuit - Sat, 09/06/2014 - 9:00am

A father from Solihull has encountered a barrage of criticism after his long-suffering wife revealed that ‘chasing the children up the stairs on all fours going ‘Raarrr!!!’ every evening’ was his sole contribution to their upbringing. The nightly routine – which Dan Hurrell, 37, described as, ‘Just a bit of fun, that’s all’ – has, after six years, finally driven his wife, Debbie, to breaking point.

‘I just can’t cope any more,’ she said. ‘I cook all the meals, drop them off at school, do all the washing and cleaning. ‘I’m the one who reads with them after school and at bedtime. All he does is chase them up the stairs every night going ‘Raarrr!!!’. That’s it!’

‘He’s not a bad person,’ she continued, ‘it’s just he thinks that’s all there is to being a dad – chasing them up the stairs on all fours going ‘Raarrr!!!’.’

Immediate neighbours of the Hurrells have also spoken of their frustration at what Dan tries to pass off as being ‘good with the kids’.

‘He’s a nice enough bloke to talk to, but every night it’s the same,’ said Hannah Morgan. ‘Seven thirty, on the dot: stomp- stomp-stomp, ‘Raarrr!!!’, stomp-stomp-stomp. In the garden, too. They’re outside playing nicely when, all of a sudden, the patio doors open and then it’s ‘Raarrr!!!’ all the way round the swings, across the decking, into the house and back out again. For ages. And let me tell you, those kids can scream. We just close the windows now as soon as we hear the lock on the patio door go.’

Following this criticism, Dan is now receiving help from consultant psychologist, Dr Fiona Grace. ‘Chasing the kids about while going ‘Raarrr!!!’ is fine every now and then, but ideally it should be complemented with other, less loud and chase-y forms of parental interaction. If not, it can manifest itself in adulthood as anxiety, shyness and a chronic phobia of roaring and stairs.’

‘I’ve spoken to Mr Hurrell about this and he now understands the error of his ways,’ she continued. ‘In fact everyone’s being very supportive – apart from his father, that is, who burst in halfway through our session and chased him around the room and up the stairs going ‘Raarrr!!!’.’

29th September 2011

Categories: Fake News

New tech allows ‘blood sucking bankers’ to upgrade from metaphor to fact

News Biscuit - Sat, 09/06/2014 - 3:00am

Barclays’ business customers will now be able to log on by scanning the unique pattern of their veins; or as one banker described it as ‘…the fast track to their life essence’. Slumbering in their coffins by day, Barclays’ employees will now visit savers in their homes at twilight but only if the customer has signed a waver ‘inviting them in’, ‘banning the use of garlic’ and to avoid all reference to ‘PPIs’.

The new finger scanner is expected to speed up internet banking and supersede the inefficient ‘neck/fang interface’ that had been in use since the 1800s. By using biometric information, Barclays hopes to reduce the risk of fraudsters and confrontations with anyone called ‘Van Helsing’. Meanwhile the Bank of England has said it will underwrite any ‘feasting on the living’, ‘pacts with the Devil’ but draws the line at ‘…helping out the Co-Op’.

Categories: Fake News

Aliens regret policy of only abducting lone weirdos

News Biscuit - Sat, 09/06/2014 - 2:00am

Extra-terrestrials have today conceded that a decades-long programme of abduction to gather detailed knowledge of human society and biology might have produced better results had they looked beyond suggestible loners with a history of mental health problems.

‘In hindsight, I suppose there was always going to be a limit to the intelligence we could get from a depressed farmer drink-driving his tractor at 2am,’ said an alien spokesbeing today. ‘We were disappointed to find that the majority of these people from isolated rural communities were not as well-connected to the planet’s major political powers as we’d hoped, and in truth they only confused our understanding of the human race. For a time we weren’t sure the species had a definitive stance on incest, or indeed what the correct number of fingers and toes was for a human. Perhaps we should have made better use of Wikipedia.’

Alien leaders have taken the opportunity to apologise formally to the ‘lost generation’ of socially awkward stay-at-homes they had previously targeted, expressing particular remorse that their routine examinations of human reproductive organs may have been seen as a come-on by the many abductees with limited sexual experience. They also apologised unreservedly to all their former guests for any damage to their credibility or social standing on earth caused by their failure to return and crown them Grand Master of Quadrant Z as promised.

‘If we could travel back in time and do it all again,’ continued the spokesbeing, ‘we’d probably choose to convey our message of constructive engagement with humans in writing or by just popping round to introduce ourselves in person, rather than relying solely on crop circles. And we’d certainly think twice before going with recreational drug users again as our preferred messengers for warnings of global apocalypse.’

Aliens had hoped that their apology would go some way to building bridges between human and extra-terrestrial civilisations and might attract more promising candidates for cranial and rectal probing, but their latest visitor appears to be no different to previous guests. ‘He talked passionately about a vision of the world as a giant theme park in which adults and children live in a harmonious condition of mutual love and respect unhampered by legal interference. By the time he tried to convince us it was normal to walk backwards while keeping both feet on the ground at all times, we knew he was taking the piss and we sent him packing with enough drugs in his system to forget the whole sorry episode.’

Categories: Fake News

Aliens regret policy of only abducting lone weirdos

News Biscuit - Sat, 09/06/2014 - 2:00am

Extra-terrestrials have today conceded that a decades-long programme of abduction to gather detailed knowledge of human society and biology might have produced better results had they looked beyond suggestible loners with a history of mental health problems.

‘In hindsight, I suppose there was always going to be a limit to the intelligence we could get from a depressed farmer drink-driving his tractor at 2am,’ said an alien spokesbeing today. ‘We were disappointed to find that the majority of these people from isolated rural communities were not as well-connected to the planet’s major political powers as we’d hoped, and in truth they only confused our understanding of the human race. For a time we weren’t sure the species had a definitive stance on incest, or indeed what the correct number of fingers and toes was for a human. Perhaps we should have made better use of Wikipedia.’

Alien leaders have taken the opportunity to apologise formally to the ‘lost generation’ of socially awkward stay-at-homes they had previously targeted, expressing particular remorse that their routine examinations of human reproductive organs may have been seen as a come-on by the many abductees with limited sexual experience. They also apologised unreservedly to all their former guests for any damage to their credibility or social standing on earth caused by their failure to return and crown them Grand Master of Quadrant Z as promised.

‘If we could travel back in time and do it all again,’ continued the spokesbeing, ‘we’d probably choose to convey our message of constructive engagement with humans in writing or by just popping round to introduce ourselves in person, rather than relying solely on crop circles. And we’d certainly think twice before going with recreational drug users again as our preferred messengers for warnings of global apocalypse.’

Aliens had hoped that their apology would go some way to building bridges between human and extra-terrestrial civilisations and might attract more promising candidates for cranial and rectal probing, but their latest visitor appears to be no different to previous guests. ‘He talked passionately about a vision of the world as a giant theme park in which adults and children live in a harmonious condition of mutual love and respect unhampered by legal interference. By the time he tried to convince us it was normal to walk backwards while keeping both feet on the ground at all times, we knew he was taking the piss and we sent him packing with enough drugs in his system to forget the whole sorry episode.’

Categories: Fake News

Criminals asked to push themselves down the stairs by ‘over-worked’ police

News Biscuit - Fri, 09/05/2014 - 2:55pm

An inspection of police forces in England and Wales has reported that crime suspects are being asked to racially abuse themselves, plant their own incriminating evidence, and if the police are really busy, push themselves down the stairs on the way to the holding cells.

Offenders everywhere are protesting at further degradation to an already limited service. ‘Really, service is parlous,’ complained career criminal, Cecil ‘Nutter’ Smythe, from Gosport. ‘It is almost as if the police aren’t there. How are we supposed to rest easy knowing that some activities such as car crime are being effectively decriminalised?’

Spencer Knott, and HR professional currently serving two years in Croydon for aggravated buggery commented: ‘This is devastating from a continuing personal development perspective. How are younger criminals supposed to get on the career ladder if twocking and five-fingered retail discounts are no longer considered worthy of recognition? The youngsters are going to feel unmotivated and move into other sectors of employment such as politics and banking. This could lead to a serious drain in skills.’

The report highlighted further failings with a number of instances of wrong-doers attempting to turn themselves in at the local police station being handed leaflets advising them ‘not to do it again’. Cheryl from Hemel Hempstead confided ‘I rang the line the leaflet gave and got an automated response that said ‘Your crime is important to us. Please hold.’ Then they play you endless Justin Beiber records. If that isn’t police abuse I don’t know what is.’

Police have hit back, while conceding they couldn’t get too excited about it. ‘We have offered to get victims to muck in with the paperwork, shredding files and stuff. At a push we could dress them up as Community Officers and get them to do a spot of brutality for us.’

Senior Police officers have advised their clients, however, not to be overly ambitious in their support, and to avoid such complex operations as fibbing about objectionable members of Parliament. A spokes-PCC added, ‘We would like to assure the public that the Force will be retaining core functions such as covering up stadium disasters and long-term oversight of organised paedophile rings.’

Categories: Fake News

American Voices: Russian Mating Geckos Didn’t Survive Trip To Space

Onion - Fri, 09/05/2014 - 11:15am
Russia’s space agency confirmed this week that a group of geckos that were launched into space in July in order to study “the effects of weightlessness on lizard mating” didn’t survive the journey.






Categories: Fake News

Chase Executives Fondly Recall Financial Company’s Hip-Hop Roots

Onion - Fri, 09/05/2014 - 8:55am
NEW YORK—Sitting in the multinational corporation’s boardroom, Chase executives reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon nostalgically recalling the financial company’s hip-hop roots, reminiscing about being young bankers who helped cre...






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: NYPD Requiring Cops To Undergo Twitter Training

Onion - Fri, 09/05/2014 - 7:10am
The New York Post reported that, following a Twitter outreach campaign that backfired horribly, the NYPD is requiring its officers to attend mandatory classes at a local college on how to use Twitter.






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[video] Screws, Splintered Bones, Mangled Joints That Make Up Rob Gronkowski Poised For Huge Fantasy Year

Onion - Fri, 09/05/2014 - 6:30am
OSN’s fantasy guru, Perry Bigwell, says owners should take a risk on the bolted-together collection of screws and tendons.






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