UKIP will this week make public details of its most outrageous candidate to date, party leader Nigel Farage has announced. Farage added that the candidate ‘will knock all that Bongo-Bongo Land and gays-cause-flooding stuff into a cocked hat’.
‘I can tell you this guy â€“ oh yes, or woman – will really give the mainstream parties with their straight-laced candidates something to think about,â€™ Farage said. â€˜This is the fruitcake to beat all fruitcakes, present company excepted.’
Reports indicate the candidate claims he was abducted by aliens, that he was a babysitter for Nick Griffin, and believes the Earth is ‘definitely’ flat. Some commentators have expressed doubt that he will be very different than the average Ukipper.
‘The British people want to see plenty of colour in this election,’ Farage added. He later clarified this statement.
Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown was sold at a Dundee car boot sale on Sunday for a knock-down price of Â£1.50. Vendors Eric and Maureen Anderson, who were manning their stall at the Errol airfield site, said they were having a de-clutter and felt that it was the right time to let the former Labour leader go to a new home.
â€˜Itâ€™s amazing what rubbish you accumulate in your home,’ said Mrs Anderson. â€˜The Gordon, as we call him, has been moping around the house for some time now so we thought weâ€™d try to get a few bob for him along with the carpet offcuts that have been in the attic for years and that horrendous vase that Great Aunt Mary gave us for our wedding.â€™
â€˜I suppose it must be almost two years since we came by The Gordon,â€™ recalled Mrs Anderson. â€˜He knocked on the door one evening mumbling something incoherent about losing his fiscal stimulus. We offered him a cup of tea and sympathy and the next thing he had moved in with what he called some â€˜anti-boom-and-bust policy initiativesâ€™ and a good deal of baggage. Of course, the policies were soon ditched but the baggage remains. He carried it around with him from room to room like a lost soul.â€™
â€˜At first, it was quite a novelty having our own Gordon, and, if we had friends around for dinner, we would trot him out towards the end of the evening guaranteeing that guests would never outstay their welcome. But while itâ€™s quite fun to see a real Prime Minister doing his stuff in your living room, there is no off button for when they start waffling on about how they never got the recognition they deserved for saving the global economy. And the manâ€™s shocking language when ranting about his predecessor wouldnâ€™t even meet the 11 oâ€™clock watershed, let alone the nine oâ€™clock one.â€™
In the end, the Andersons were happy to see their Gordon go for Â£1.50. â€˜After all,â€™ admitted Mr Anderson, â€˜he was rather a sad sight sitting there under the wallpaper pasting table. And he needed new batteries.â€™
â€˜I arranged for the fair weather to start today,â€™ said David Cameron. â€˜I pledge that the next Conservative government will continue to improve the weather in real terms over the next five years.â€™ He looked annoyed when George Osborne suggested that he had, in fact, created the â€˜right climateâ€™ for the good weather.
Ed Miliband immediately countered Cameronâ€™s claims, saying that the Tories had cynically taken credit for a long-standing Labour policy. â€˜Under the last Labour government, we always provided good weather for Easter Monday,â€™ claimed Miliband as he barbecued another bacon sandwich. â€˜Admittedly it was easier back then. Tony only had to drop his pants and bend over – instant sunshine.â€™
â€˜I can tell you categorically that without us in the coalition the Tories would have had rain every bank holiday,â€™ retorted Nick Clegg during a whirlwind tour of his last three supporters in Hallam. â€˜If they had their way bank holidays would be so miserable workers would be happy to work through them on normal time. And Labour would make it too hot for many people to enjoy. Only the Liberal Democrats offer true balance in sunshine hours.â€™
Nigel Farage wasn’t as keen on the weather until he discovered that the warm front had not originated in Europe. He then agreed that warm weather complemented his third pint of warm beer perfectly.
â€˜It’s typical of the main parties, contributing to global warming and pretending thereâ€™s nothing wrong, said Green Party leader Natalie Bennett. â€˜If we are part of the next government, we will hold bank holidays only in the summer to reduce the carbon footprint of Christmas trees and people having the heating on all Easter.â€™
â€˜Actually we arranged it,â€™ said Nicola Sturgeon of the SNP, with a menacing glare. â€˜In Scotland, the sun shone for nearly three minutes on Easter Monday and the temperature got close to above zero, no thanks to anyone in Westminster.â€™
The Met Office confirmed that the good weather will continue â€˜until it changes, possibly sooner. Or it will go dark firstâ€™. Plaid Cymru leader Leanne Wood declined to comment as it was pissing down all day in Wales as usual.
Chancellor George Osborne has agreed to invest the nationâ€™s pension schemes on Nevadaâ€™s craps tables. By simply cashing out their savings now, those approaching retirement can boost the economy while experiencing the adrenaline of holding twelve in blackjack.
â€˜Frivolously spending your pension now definitely wonâ€™t leave you short in later years, oh no,â€™ added an Exchequer spokesman. â€˜Weâ€™ve been underfunding the NHS for decades, so thereâ€™s very little chance that youâ€™ll live to get the benefits of a full pension. In fact, if you like those long odds, can I recommend a game of baccarat supervised by the Mafia?â€™
Confused pensioners will be personally shepherded onto cruise liners by Mr Osborne, with promises of a â€˜trip of a lifetimeâ€™ provided that their lifetime does not exceed the agreed two-year limit.
Plans have been announced plans to build a brand new â€˜Colliderâ€™ ride at Alton Towers, based on the Large Hadron Collider at CERN. In what is being billed as a â€˜once in a lifetime experienceâ€™, up to 500 customers at a time will be contained in special magnetised particle pods, accelerated up to 25,000 miles per hour in a gigantic circular tunnel, then smashed into each other head on to see what happens. Tickets will be sold by a â€˜super conductorâ€™.
Scientists believe the project could ask and answer many fundamental questions about life and death and it has also aroused great interest from Iain Duncan Smith and Nigel Farage as a possible â€˜final solutionâ€™ to the problem of the unemployed, handicapped, illegal immigrants, terrorists and those desiring assisted death.
Delighted with the popularity of the links he made between â€˜welfare lifestyleâ€™ and multiple murders, George Osborne has called for more people on benefits to kill each other. â€˜Not only does this highlight the connection between welfare and violent crime, it also diminishes the number of people actually claiming benefit,â€™ the Chancellor told reporters.
â€˜Iâ€™m not advocating the murder of or by hard working families who pay their taxes. But those on sickness benefit, for example, should have their capacity to kill measured properly. And even those with physical disabilities could, say, handle a bit of poisoning, or push someone under a train on one of the new wheelchair-friendly stations created by new money we have put into public transport.â€™
â€˜Claimants should be prepared to murder, and if their tragic multiple victims are also on benefits, then we have a win-win situation, numerically and politically. Weâ€™re not criminalising poverty, as some have claimed. We want to eradicate it, by encouraging those on benefits to look for a way out of dependency that sets an example.â€˜
â€˜All too often we find claimants simply sitting at home not bothering to murder each other,â€™ argued Iain Duncan Smith. â€˜Perhaps the cuts in benefit will have an effect and some of these people will as a result, murder each other in order to make the best of scarce resources.’
The Liberal Democrats leadership have distanced themselves from the notion of murdering welfare claimants, saying that perhaps they should just be badly injured instead.
Meanwhile, Job Centres round the country have now been given secret targets related to client anger management. The aim, according to the Department of Work and Pensions is to increase claimantsâ€™ anger to such a pitch theyâ€™re more likely to kill each other.
â€˜With the cold weather showing no sign of abating, weâ€™re encouraging the return old outdoor dole queueâ€™ said one Job Centre manager. â€˜For us, the ideal scenario is a crazed claimant mowing down a line of spongers in an uninsured used Transit van we just bought, at a surprisingly low cost. Weâ€™re keeping that one quiet, though.’
With the result of the general election appearing increasingly unpredictable, the Conservatives are leaving nothing to chance in at least one constituency by making Death their new candidate for Chingford and Woodford Green.
Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps explained: â€˜Sadly, our current MP for Chingford, Iain Duncan Smith, has let slip the merest hint of compassion, and that won’t go down at all well with most Essex voters. His own predecessor Norman Tebbit was ditched equally ruthlessly when he showed twinges of a sense of humour, so you canâ€™t say he wasnâ€™t warned.â€™
â€˜So Iain will be relocated and – although our unbudgeted figures mean that taxes are still an uncertainty, at least for those earning as much as me or more – the pitiless people of Chingford can be absolutely certain that a vote for Death will be a vote for traditional Tory values. Their future, or lack of one, will be his number one priority after May 7th.â€™
Until now, Mr Death has kept his political persuasion under wraps, but speaking today from his new campaign office inside Chingford’s closed Sure Start centre he said: â€˜Nothing is certain in your mortal realm, except for Labour and taxes, and Tories and death. And I don’t do taxes. Mwahahahahahahahaa.â€™
â€˜Also, thanks to my subcontract with Atos, I’ve been able to follow Iain Duncan Smith – or the Grim Reaper as we call him in the other place – very closely for the past five years, and I’m humbly impressed with his unrelenting work at the Department of Work and Pensions, most of which I must admit to having more than just an occasional hand in.â€™
Death added that he did briefly consider standing for the mercilessly safe Tory seat of South West Surrey with a view to becoming Minister for Health â€˜but, although Iâ€™ve been doing my damnedest for some years now, there’s not a baby’s chance in Oldham that I could beat Jeremy Hunt’s record on the NHS.â€™
Duncan Smith declined to give a statement about his supernatural successor, but just before midnight he tweeted â€˜Who the devil does a Cabinet Minister have to deal with around here to save their skin? #anycushyprivatesectorjobsgoingâ€™