Nationâ€™s Prospective College Applicants Go Straight To Princeton Reviewâ€™s â€˜Best College Radio Stationâ€™ Rankings
The FA will ensure that Premier League referees will be better equipped to handle encroachment at free-kicks for the coming season, with the introduction of â€˜heavy-duty nail gunsâ€™, Chief Executive Richard Scudamore announced today.
Following extensive trials at St George’s Park, the FA confirmed that vanishing spray â€˜just isnâ€™t enoughâ€™ to keep a defensive wall the correct distance from a free-kick taker, and insist nail guns are the way forward.
â€˜Letâ€™s see if those cheeky defenders can sneak forward with two rusty nine-inch nails through their metatarsalsâ€™, said excited Premier League referee, Mark Clattenburg.
Meanwhile, an experimental scheme to discourage diving by allowing referees to â€˜taserâ€™ errant forwards has been discontinued. â€˜The equipment is just too bulky for referees to carryâ€™, said Scudamore, â€˜so we’ve given it to the assistantsâ€™.
After an agonisingly long wait, married men up and down the country were delighted to see the return of the BBC’s ‘The Great British Bake Off’ last night.
â€˜It’s been wall-to-wall sport in our house over the last few months, what with the golf, World Cup and the Commonwealth Gamesâ€™, said father of two, Scott. â€˜The wife just sits there all day in her sweat pants watching it with crates of lager. Not enough comfort TV on nowadays if you ask me,â€™ he added.
Men, in particular married men, have really taken to the pedestrian pace of watching macaroons rise in the oven, and Mary Berry giving expert advice on tempering white chocolate. â€˜Thereâ€™s something about watching an amateur chef battling with an egg custard that really helps me relax after a long day in workâ€™, said newly wed, Thomas. â€˜I sometimes grab a bottle of vino and invite the lads roundâ€™.
He added: â€˜And what about that Mary Berry? I would. The show also has the comedy factor too, with Mel and Sue’s ‘soggy bottom’ innuendos. Women don’t get it; they lack the emotion.â€™
According to a survey carried out by the Radio Times, last yearâ€™s final attracted nine-million viewers, most of which were said to be married men looking for ‘escapism’ and â€˜me timeâ€™. Â Wife and mum Jennifer said: â€˜You have to let your husband have a bit of time to himself now and againâ€™.
â€˜Plus it gives me time to go online to watch porn and visit dating sites. Result.â€™
Britainâ€™s banks are under fire once again, after rating agency Moodyâ€™s downgraded them to â€˜a shower of bastardsâ€™. While investors at HSBC are still regarded by many observers as â€˜pondlifeâ€™, several other major financial institutions fear they could lose their cherished status of â€˜immoral grabbing shitbagsâ€™.
Industry experts believe that despite their lower rating, wages for investment bankers should remain unaffected. â€˜With the right sort of scam, we should be able to pass any additional costs straight to our customersâ€™, explained Dominic Sharlton of Lloydsâ€™ pilfering division. â€˜In fact, weâ€™ve been running several trial ruses for quite a while now.â€™
With new technology now available to Britainâ€™s high street banks, account holders are rarely sure just how theyâ€™re being shafted. â€˜Weâ€™ve learned from our mistakes with PPI and mis-selling endowmentsâ€™, admitted Sharlton. â€˜It really pained us to hand back quite so much money to the people it belonged to. Thankfully, we recovered most of it when we doubled your car insurance.â€™
Key to the sectorâ€™s recovery are computer crashes and glitches, coupled with telephone â€˜swipecardsâ€™ that make ghost payments if itâ€™s damp. â€˜By combining personal banking and IT support into one huge, useless call centre, most of our victims actually believe itâ€™s their fault that weâ€™ve robbed themâ€™, enthused Sharlton. â€˜And all the while itâ€™s costing them Â£1.20 a minute, plus a small charge for converting the payment into rupees.â€™
International rating agencies had feared that a streak of morality had infected Britainâ€™s banking system, but Sharlton was quick to dismiss the rumour as â€˜reckless scaremongeringâ€™. â€˜Iâ€™d like to reassure the public that we plan to carry on with â€˜business as usualâ€™, and if you don’t like it, then we know we’re on the right trackâ€™, he confirmed. â€˜There’s always room for improvement, and we never stop ducking and diving. Once we’ve introduced our latest charge for using debit cards in rush hour, Iâ€™m confident weâ€™ll be upgraded back to â€˜heartless thieving cuntsâ€™.
After years of waking up early to walk his dog, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse.Â The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.
â€˜Iâ€™ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years agoâ€™, said the 67-year-old. â€˜Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but Iâ€™ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton.Â Iâ€™ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; itâ€™s terribly excitingâ€™.
When pressed for details of the gruesome find, he explained:Â â€˜It was textbook. My black labrador ran ahead and I lost sight of him, but then I found him sniffing around a pile of leaves and saw the hand poking out. Â I realised it was the body of an old woman. I phoned the police straightaway and waited for them to arrive. They put a tent around the body, and then a haggard looking world-weary cop turned up to take over and wind-up the forensics teamâ€™.
The Chief Superintendent in charge of the crime scene said: â€˜We thank this old man for contacting us but we will not be talking to him from now on, and even though he discovered the body, he is not a suspect and you wonâ€™t be seeing him againâ€™.
â€˜At the moment we have no idea who the dead woman is but assume that the discovery of the body will be the start of a long and complex investigation.Â We suspect that the motive for the murder will have its roots in something that happened decades ago, possibly in a childrenâ€™s home.
He concluded: â€˜We would ask anyone who may know the dead person to come forward so that we may suspect them of not giving us the full story before offloading in an emotional denouement, at which point we will probably agree that the dead woman had it coming. For now Iâ€™ve passed the investigation over to a shambolic, divorced, middle-aged functioning alcoholic who deals with this sort of thing every weekâ€™.