Fake News

American Voices: Oxford Apologizes For Sexist Definition

Onion - Mon, 02/08/2016 - 8:13am

Oxford Dictionaries has responded to anthropologist Michael Oman-Reagan after the latter argued their definition of “rabid” was sexist due to its use of the example phrase “rabid feminist,” a term that Oxford has promised to revisit and potentially revise in their collection going forward. What do you think?

Categories: Fake News

Corbyn makes Parliamentary Fight Club debut

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/08/2016 - 8:00am

Jeremy Corbyn has finally made his first appearance at the cross-party Parliamentary Fight Club, which dates back to the 1800s and pits MPS in no holds barred, bare-knuckle fighting. He defeated, John Pugh, Lib Dem spokesperson for education, but Fight Club regular Michael Gove, who prefers to fight naked, said that the performance lacked any real aggression and he simply wore his opponent down finally by a points victory.

It is thought that Corbyn polled his Twitter followers earlier in the day as to what type of strikes he should inflict on his opponent. On attempting a predictable upper he was heard to say ‘This one’s from Marjorie Evans in Cardiff!’

He is due to fight again in two months’ time and followers are hoping for a David Cameron match-up, although Cameron will insist on a tag team with their respective chancellors and the choice of one non-lethal weapon each. Cameron will choose a wooden replica of a Trident missile to taunt Corbyn, whereas rumours are that his opponent will wear a boar’s head.


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Storm names criticised for being ‘too white’. More soon

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/08/2016 - 6:09am

Dun Dunkin

Categories: Fake News

Storm names criticised for being too white

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/08/2016 - 6:06am

Dun Dunkin

Categories: Fake News

Kung Fu Panda series set to outlive species. More soon

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/08/2016 - 6:06am


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Researchers allowed to edit DNA of young offenders

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/08/2016 - 5:00am

Secretary of State for Justice Michael Gove has given his first approval to use a gene-editing tool on 10 to 17 year-old criminals. Researchers at the Francis Crick Institute will attempt to modify DNA in donated offenders to better understand which human genes are responsible for extreme twattishness.

Once isolated, a destroy and replace function enables the DNA of a lamb to be imported. In government efforts to alleviate a teeming adult prison population, the most violent young convicts will be given an ultimatum: accept gene therapy or accept fast-tracked assisted suicide in Zurich.

Geneticist Karen James commented: ‘No UK medical trials have been undertaken as we rely on some encouraging results from China; Beijing authorities have carried out similar experiments, albeit illegally, with a 36% unimpaired brain rate.’


Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Peyton Manning Declares He Has At Least One More Surgery In Him

Onion - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 8:30pm

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following his team’s 24-10 win in Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning ended weeks of speculation surrounding his future by announcing Sunday that he has at least one more surgery in him. “I’ve had a long run and been a part of a lot of pretty big surgeries, but I still think I’ve got one more major operation left in the tank,” said Manning, adding that he had deliberated for the past six months with friends, family, and medical specialists before deciding that he wasn’t ready to hang up his hospital gown for good. “Ultimately, I have to listen to my body, but I’ll keep going as long as I can still handle the anesthesia. I just can’t imagine myself never being under those bright lights in the operating room again. I’ll get on the gurney one more ...

Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

Onion - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 8:22pm

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday. “To go out on top with a Super Bowl win, there’s no better way to end our time in the league,” read a joint statement released by quarterback Peyton Manning, general manager John Elway, head coach Gary Kubiak, all 22 assistant coaches, every executive in the Broncos’ front office, and every player on the Broncos’ roster, as well as the organization’s trainers, equipment managers, scouting personnel, medical staff, executive assistants, marketing team, IT team, human resources department, receptionists, security guards, and janitors, and the Sports Authority Stadium at Mile High ushers, grounds crew, and food vendors. “It was a tough decision to make, but ultimately, we realized that we’d accomplished everything we set out to do, and ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Area Dad Spends Super Bowl Looking Regretfully At Son Who Wasn’t Allowed To Play Football

Onion - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 7:38pm

WESTERVILLE, OH—Repeatedly glancing away from the television while the rest of his family excitedly watched the game, local father Doug Bryant reportedly spent most of the Super Bowl 50 broadcast Sunday looking regretfully at his 17-year-old son, Alex, who was never allowed to play football. “Some game so far, huh?” said Bryant, clapping his son on the shoulder as they watched the game together, all the while ruefully recalling how he and his wife had refused his son’s requests to play Pop Warner football over the years, thus preventing him from ever discovering a talent for the sport, competing at a high level, and perhaps someday even making it all the way to the Super Bowl himself as a star NFL player. “That was a heck of a play right there. Great catch, and what a throw, too. Just awesome.” Sources also confirmed that at one point during ...

Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Super Bowl Halftime Show Marred By Functioning Sound System

Onion - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 6:33pm

SANTA CLARA, CA—Disappointing the thousands of fans in attendance as well as an estimated 100 million viewers watching at home, the Super Bowl 50 halftime show was marred Sunday by the stadium’s functioning sound system, sources confirmed. “Right from the beginning, the sound was working normally, and unfortunately, I could clearly hear the singing,” said 29-year-old spectator Joe Kessler, adding that the show’s audio feed, which was amplified throughout the stadium and transmitted to television broadcasts with no technical issues, made the performances by Beyonce, Coldplay, and Bruno Mars completely unbearable. “There was definitely nothing wrong with the speakers or the microphones. It’s a shame, because the perfect sound quality just ruined the whole thing.” Kessler added that he hopes Super Bowl organizers would learn from the incident and avoid a similar disaster next year.

Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Surviving Members Of First Championship Team Honored During Puppy Bowl Halftime

Onion - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 6:15pm

NEW YORK—Slowly making their way out to midfield with the assistance of their owners, surviving members of the first Puppy Bowl championship team were honored at Animal Planet Stadium during Sunday’s Kitty Half-Time Show. “Tonight, we are proud to recognize the accomplishments of these iconic legends whose exceptional playfulness on the sport’s cutest stage paved the way for future generations of puppy players,” announcer Dan Schachner said before introducing the aging title-winners—several of whom are now blind or whose hind legs are supported by a wheelchair—and giving each dog a commemorative Puppy Bowl I chew toy. “Of course, no one will ever forget ‘The Fetch’—the defining moment of that first Puppy Bowl and arguably the most adorable play in puppy football history—when Cocoa sniffed out an opposing wagging-tailback in the barkfield, retrieved the plush ball, and took it all the way to the ...

Categories: Fake News

News in Brief: Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

Onion - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 5:42pm

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed. “I looked downfield for a few seconds, and when I looked back, he was gone—we all just started panicking and trying to figure out what happened,” said Cooper Manning, adding that his brother was soon spotted roaming aimlessly near the sideline. “We always tell him, ‘Peyton, you have to stay inside the pocket so we know you’re safe,’ but sometimes he just forgets where he is. Thank God he’s okay, but my heart was in my mouth for a few minutes there. He has to be more aware of his surroundings, because next time we might ...

Categories: Fake News

Norfolk to fine next beached whale

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 4:55pm

Following the second beaching of a whale on their shores, Norfolk County Council chiefs have announced their intention to fine the next whale that chooses to strand itself on any of their beaches to deter any further standing incidents.

Announcing the plan as a ‘deterrent’, chief executive Ian Rate commented, “Whilst we have sympathy with these mammals, they can’t just park themselves on our bootiful beaches and expect us to look after them. The cost of attending to a broken down whale is huge and it’s not easy getting a breakdown truck out to tow these brutes away.’

Responding to criticism that the authorities were being rather harsh, Rate said: ‘We’ve done everything we can, we’ve posted notices on the wind farms warning creatures of the risk of stranding; hired whale whisperers to persuade the spermy buggers to move; and we’ve even looked into providing free satnavs to stop them becoming lost, all to no avail. So we think the threat of a fine is the only thing left to us.”

‘What I can’t understand,” he continued, ‘is why these whales keep choosing to strand themselves on our wonderful golden beaches and not those in Suffolk? Unless, of course, it’s because Suffolk only has crappy old shingle beaches which no self-respecting whale would go near – even to die. Ahahahahaha. Just kidding. No, seriously – and go ahead and marry outside your families if you like, it’s no skin off my nose.’

Although the spectacle of an ailing whale could arguably be a boost to local businesses at this quiet time of year, Mr Rate said this simply isn’t the case because only one shop opens in Hunstanton before Easter. Instead, he urged Japan to accelerate its ongoing research into wales by killing a few more in the North Sea.

‘E-mail is due to be launched in Norwich next month, but we just don’t know if that will be soon enough. How quickly do you think the Japanese scientists could research these whales to extinction? We need those beaches to be clear by mid-May for the witch-burning season.’

Stan and Des/Deceangli

Categories: Fake News

Sports News in Brief: Nervous Peyton Manning Feeling Better After Vomiting Blood Before Game

Onion - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 3:25pm

SANTA CLARA, CA—Having suffered from intense pregame nerves just 30 minutes before the kickoff of Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Sunday that he felt much better after throwing up blood in the locker room. “I always get major butterflies right before a big game, so it’s nice to just get it out of my system,” Manning said while wiping smeared blood from around his mouth with a paper towel, having spent over 20 minutes vomiting blood into a toilet until he was left dry-heaving. “It’s good to be nervous, though. This has just become part of my routine over the last few years.” Manning added that he also likes to spend a few minutes hitting a punching bag before each game in order to pump himself up and get the feeling in his arms back.

Categories: Fake News

BBC lose Operation Yewtree franchise to Sky

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 9:00am

In a day of frantic bidding, Sky has won exclusive rights to Operation Yewtree raids, wresting control from the BBC. The move has won especial approval from the South Yorkshire Police Commissioner, who stated that his officers ‘were looking forward to working closely with Sky.’

In a separate statement officers from Operation Yewtree praised the BBC for its ‘unstinting professionalism’ and insisted that most Yewtree officers would ‘probably continue to purchase a TV Licence.’

Sir Cliff Richard praised the move. ‘Although I’ve had nothing but respect for the BBC regarding their Wimbledon coverage, they’ve been hopelessly out of their depth on this project. I can’t wait for Sky to cover the return of South Yorkshire police to my various homes, and hopefully we can issue my films, concerts and home raids as a box set for Sky customers.’



Categories: Fake News

North Korea brings forward fake satellite launch

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/07/2016 - 5:00am

North Korea has brought forward the pretend launching of a satellite. They’d originally said they would claim the launch in 2 weeks time but following Kim Jong-Un’s early triumph on an online Photoshop course, they now feel confident the made-up rocket firing would ‘take-place’ next week.

The North Korean government issued the following statement, ‘Supreme leader Kim not only completed an awkward cloning test, he also rewrote the entire Photoshop program in 20 minutes and redesigned the computer all while pleasuring Mrs Kim with the other hand. With these skills in place, we feel confident that satellite launch will definitely take place, assuming he remembers to plug in his laptop.’

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