A gang of beautiful women appeared in court today facing charges of theft and trespassing. The women were nabbed last week at a barn in Kent, where Police found them feasting on their ill-gotten grains. Witnesses say the gang, led by a woman wearing a red dress and known as â€˜Kayâ€™, gained access to the field by bursting through a set a barn gates and dancing onto the private land.
The court then heard how the women proceeded to steal a barrow load of grapes, apples and barley wheat before hijacking a tractor. â€˜All the while the women were laughing a smiling and showing a complete disregard for the lawâ€™, said a witness. The judge will pass sentence tomorrow, where the farmer says he hopes they all do porridge.
Bernie Ecclestone is to lead a â€˜modernisedâ€™ justice system, with cash penalties rather than time in jail as the deterrent. â€˜It works in every walk of lifeâ€™, he told journalists. â€˜If you ask a plumber to change your bath for one with thicker gold plating, he doesnâ€™t put you in jail, he sends you a billâ€™.
‘We should do the same with crime. Okay, if somebody canâ€™t pay or wonâ€™t pay, then he should be locked up. But after a while it will just be the thick criminals who get locked up, the smart ones will be out there, contributing to the exchequer like the good citizens they are’.
He added: â€˜We need to properly incentivise crime, let the successful criminals expand. And it would pay for more coppers to catch the criminals, resulting in a virtuous cycle of more chargeable offences leading to more taxes leading to higher conviction rates and so on. I foresee a day when the whole country is just criminals and coppers, and weâ€™ll all be rich enough to own an F1 car. Beautiful.â€™
Hasbro, makers of the famous â€˜Guess Who?â€™ game, has had to increase security at all its offices and factories worldwide following threats of protests and violence. The complaints have come following its release of a special â€˜Religious Iconâ€™ edition where they have not included the prophet Muhammad.
â€˜We have all of the main Gods, sons of Gods, and other religious characters,’ said a spokesman for Hasbro, ‘but we just couldnâ€™t find an up-to-date picture of Muhammad. He’s obvious very protective of his privacy. But after seeing the problems previous attempts to caricature him have caused, we thought it best to leave him off. Now we’re criticised for not recognising Islam. It’s Catch-22.â€™
The omission of Muhammad has led to accusations that Hasbro is being anti-Islamic, with protesters claiming that their religion is again being discriminated against and portrayed as having no sense of fun.
‘Of course us Muslims know how to have a good time â€“ we love Guess Who as much as the next person,’ said one protester. â€˜But although you cannot show a picture of the prophet, they could have found a way around it. Leave the tile blank, just put his name on it or cover him in a burkha. There must be some way to do it, otherwise how could Muhammad have had a passport?â€™
The exclusion of Muhammad is not the only criticism made about the new ‘Religious Icon’ edition of the game. ‘Us professional players have had to completely change our questioning techniques,’ said â€˜Guess Who?â€™ world champion, Mark Headley. ‘Asking â€˜does he have a beard?â€™ is now pointless, and if you have a Hindu god, you can lose with just one question, â€˜does he have six arms?â€™â€™
Although the protests against Hasbro’s decision started peacefully, one quickly turned violent and the company’s head office was taken over. ‘We had been anticipating trouble so set up four rows of guards outside the building,’ said Hasbro’s head of security. ‘However, the protesters simply flipped them over when it turned out none of them had glasses or a beard.’
23rd September 2012
Fringe Festival organisers have confirmed today that a man who has been delighting tourists on Edinburghâ€™s High Street is not an ‘artsy street performer’, but actually a local homeless man with alcohol issues and an aggressive personality disorder.
The clarification comes after the Guardian gave the man, known locally as â€˜Mad Davieâ€™, a five-star review.Â â€˜Street theatre doesnâ€™t get any better than thisâ€™, claimed critic Fenton Barnes in the misguided and widely-read review.Â â€˜The boorishness of Mad Davieâ€™s performance is a wonderful counterpoint to all that is going on around him – in Mad Davie’s hands being told to â€˜eff off back where ye come fromâ€™ – is truly exhilarating.
It continued: â€˜His stream of phlegm speckled invective is interrupted only by his harrowing pleas for cash before we are engulfed once more in a tidal wave of four-letter opprobrium. Has first world hypocrisy ever been more starkly exposed than this?â€™
Visiting English couple John and Helen Brookes sought out â€˜Mad Davieâ€™ on the strength of the Guardian review. â€˜We felt a bit foolish when we found out that he is just a local drunk, especially after we gave him Â£20 for his â€˜performanceâ€™, said Helen.Â â€˜That said, paying twenty quid to have an alcoholic psychopath screaming abuse in your face for five minutes is still better value than the American improv group we saw last nightâ€™.
A spokesman for the Fringe said: â€˜Mad Davie isnâ€™t street theatre; heâ€™s here all year. If the Guardian like that sort of thing they should have been here in January when he was pissing up against our office window at nine o’clock on a Tuesday morning, threatening to kick our heads in. That really was â€˜truly exhilaratingâ€™.