University of California Gender Studies major John Warshofksky complained:Â ‘I never sat down at a meeting until I was sure every woman had arrived, to make sure I wasn’t depriving a woman of a seat. Â But I was just accused of awarding myself privileged status by standing up. Â And everything I said was dismissed as ‘mansplaining’, even when I was just agreeing with what the previous female speaker had said. Â Which I always was.’
‘Of course it was predatory behaviour,’ explained campus feminist leader Sharon Nussbaum. ‘Why else would he be at those meetings full of women? Â Jeez, what a douche. Â He needs to grow a pair.’
Warshofsky was last seen heading to a strip club in the company of the most notoriously un-PC fraternity in the university, where he proceeded to get riotously drunk and grope every waitress in the building. Â Unfortunately, his new friends also think he’s a douche.
At 5,525 miles long and 30 feet high, it would cost a staggering $40bn. Â However, in a recent poll of Canadian citizens, it was found that respondents thought it would be worth â€˜every last centâ€™ to protect them from the fall-out of a Trump led US Presidency.
Addressing Canadaâ€™s House of Commons, President Trudeau said: ‘The USA has taken advantage of us in a number of ways: gangs, drug traffickers and maple syrup thieves have freely exploited our open borders and committed vast numbers of crimes inside Canada. We have the moral high ground here, and all the leverage. Â It is time we use it in order to make Canada as boring as it has always been’.
His views were echoed by thousands of Canadians, many of whom called for the cost of the wall to be met by the USA. Â In response, Donald Trump has made it known that he will ban the importation of Canadian Art House Movies, Ice Hockey players and post-nubile Elks, unless they give good head.
There was pandemonium at London’s Prince of Wales theatre last night as talk-show host Jeremy Kyle invaded the stage during a performance of hit musical â€˜Mamma Miaâ€™ in a bid to determine which of three men who had slept with a singer in the late 1970s was the father of 22-year-old Sophie.
‘Let me get this straight,’ Kyle said to Sophie’s mother, Donna, as the audience looked on in disbelief. ‘You claim that you spread it about so much you don’t even know who your daughter’s father is? Yet you keep their details in a diary she conveniently found shortly before her wedding? I just don’t buy it. I think you owe Sophie the truth after all these years.â€™
The action then cut to a backstage booth where a tearful Sophie explained that she had contacted the producers of the Jeremy Kyle Show in order to confront her mother before her impending wedding to her sweetheart, Sky. â€˜I just want to know who my dad is,â€™ sobbed Sophie, as audience members found themselves booing her mother and spontaneously shouting â€˜Slag!â€™
Kyle then brought out the three men who identified themselves as Sam, Harry and Bill, all claiming to be unaware of Sophie’s existence until the wedding invitations arrived a month ago. ‘And I suppose none of you, with no idea you had a daughter, helped set up this single, non-working mum with her own hotel on an idyllic Greek island?’ asked Kyle. ‘Oh please! Â Iâ€™ve had some sordid stuff on my show, but this really takes the biscuit. A beautiful young girl is about to get married â€“ the time for lies is over. Bring on the lie detector!”
The production then rapidly deteriorated into name calling and fist throwing as Kyle manfully continued to berate the cast, the curtain finally coming down to a standing ovation from the full house as Kyle promised to read the DNA test results after a short break.
His crew then moved on to the Lord Chamberlain’s Players production of ‘Hamlet’ at Shakespeare’s Globe to record another show entitled ‘Mum, You’re Shagging My Uncle Who Murdered My Dad, But I Still Quite Fancy You’.
The world of genetics has offered up its most staggering revelation yet.Â Having first hit us with the shock news that humans share about 96% of their DNA with chimpanzees and 50% of it with bananas, biologists have now conclusively demonstrated that Tory and human DNA is 99.9% identical.Â For all practical purposes, it is now agreed, they are the same species.
‘Because of the superficial physical resemblance between them, we had always suspected that Tories shared a common ancestor, now extinct, with human beings,’ said Professor Robin Allshire of the Wellcome Centre for Cell Biology.Â ‘This is a stunning revelation, with profound ethical implications.’
The Greater Tory (Psychopathens illegitimus) is indigenous to the UK alone but shares multiple common traits with related strains across the world, notably the Common American Republican (Religiosus stultus).Â Tories have long led an uneasy, symbiotic coexistence with humans, occasionally keeping them as domestic pets but more often attaching themselves as parasites on human activity by exploiting humans’ natural docility.
Tories have radically different nesting behaviour to humans – particularly their compulsive need to occupy multiple excessively large sites – and strange, only partially studied breeding rituals, which are mainly centred around giant country estates, well out of the gaze of other species.Â Because of this, the idea that they could be a distant cousin of humans had not hitherto occurred to anyone.
‘We will need to rethink everything,’ warned Collins. ‘DNA proves that Tory behaviour is not genetic but learned.Â For some, that may make us identify with them, just as learning about our close relationship to great apes makes us want to preserve them for future generations.Â Then again, others may think that there’s really no excuse for the bastards now and will be even keener than ever to punch George Osborne in his stupid, smug face.Â I couldn’t really comment on that.’
Going into a shop to buy items from other EU countries could take up to a decade to complete if Britain leaves the EU warn peers; taking years of tough negotiation and could involve masses of paperwork.
â€˜Going into a shop to buy a tariff-laden Chorizo or a bottle of Evian could see UK citizens involved in complex trade negotiations and unless they have the correct paperwork the deal would probably fall apart anyway,â€™ warned Lord Auge. â€˜They would probably need a lawyerâ€™
However fears that France might pull out of the Hinckley Power Station (Â£800m per annum) deal, were laid to rest – as technically that money already belongs to China.
As a number of national industries and businesses go into administration, Britainâ€™s shareholders have been forced to take an unpleasant reality check.Â Where once a magical unicorn had managed to fill everyoneâ€™s coffers, this time it merely pooped in their shoes and ate their chequebooks.
Said one shareholder, clutching an iridescent poop: â€˜It started out with a few investments â€“ then it went all zeitgeisty, all modern – so inane that you could feel your brain melting. Â Sure, this poop has no actual use, but as long as I can sell it on â€“ who cares?â€™
â€˜The key is to liquidate your assets before anyone notices the smell.Â Thatâ€™s when it implodes, somehow sucking all of the money from your pockets; like a kind of evil Hawking radiation â€“ a fecal black holeâ€™.
â€˜And as for this rainbow having a crock of gold at the end of itâ€“ well, thatâ€™s a crock of sh@tâ€™
It was confirmed today that the serial killer formerly known as â€˜The Scented Slasherâ€™ was being renamed for the fourth time in as many weeks, as detectives pleaded with the press for more time to find a common theme to his crimes and a suitable nickname to reflect them. Officers from across the country have now been drafted in to help the Metropolitan Police with their high-profile hunt for a new tag for the murderer.
â€˜His first two victims were found with multiple stab-wounds and doused with Lâ€™Air du Temps in woods close to their homes,â€™ said Detective Inspector Craig King, leading the investigation. â€˜We put two and two together and dubbed him â€˜The Scented Slasherâ€™ â€“ the newspapers loved it and we were all pretty chuffed. But when his next victim was a 53-year-old taxi-driver, shot in his cab in Richmond and with the index finger on his left hand removed, well, that really put a spanner in the works.â€™
With no perfume involved and a different murder weapon, the police were forced to stop calling the murderer â€˜The Scented Slasherâ€™ and pursue other lines of inquiry. â€˜We soon realised that each victim had recently come back from a holiday in the Costa del Sol, so we settled on the â€˜Marbella Murdererâ€™. Suddenly it was all tying together nicely, and we had some alliteration going too.â€™
That nickname lasted only two weeks, however, as the next victim, an elderly woman found asphyxiated in her nursing home, had no connection with Spain. Furthermore the killer had placed a Vandoren V.12 reed on her forehead and had shortened her emergency alarm cord with a double-loop bowline, suggesting, perhaps, a nautical clarinet player.
At a loss to bring all these elements together in one nickname, the police settled on â€˜The London Serial Killerâ€™, until last week, when the fifth victim, a 39-year-old bar manager, was found poisoned, his mouth stuffed with chess pieces, and wearing a wetsuit in his garden in Swansea.
â€˜This guy was starting to make us look silly,â€™ said Detective King. â€˜It was just so infuriating to think that even as we sat at our desks desperately trying to come up with a new nickname, that monster was out there claiming fresh victims in a creative and original manner. It just made us feel so helpless.â€™
However, following a breakthrough late last night at the station, detectives are confident that theyâ€™ve now got the better of the killer. â€˜We really think we can make this latest nickname stick, and I’ll be as suprised as anyone if we have to stop calling him â€˜Random Crime Dudeâ€™.â€™
Thousands of men who secretly play table-top games with little plastic figures, have had their details published online in the latest high profile web security breach – known as ‘Gamer-shaming’.
‘WAYNEâ€™S BERKSHOP’ actively encourages its users to collect, paint and then argue about the rules for moving piles of badly painted models around a pretend battlefield that looks suspiciously like your dining table â€“ and to do all of it behind their partnerâ€™s backs.
Espousing the ethos of â€˜Lifeâ€™s short, be a goblinâ€™, the Nottingham based company has strenuously denied that itâ€™s products – such as their table-based ‘Warplanner 40,000′ – encourage participants toÂ abandon their spouses every Saturday; armed with suspiciously light tool boxes and the flimsy excuses about: ‘Going over to Daveâ€™s to watch Babestation’.
One wife spoke of her disgust: ‘Heâ€™d often get plain packages in the post, but he just told me they were football DVDs and car manuals. I feel so stupid. When I saw his name on the list I immediately ran into the bedroom and found a shameful box of 50-sided dice, broken models and indecipherable yet impressively illustrated rule books; which heâ€™d attempted to conceal beneath his back issues of Bra-Busters and a Katie Price autobiography.’
‘I feel like I donâ€™t know him anymore, I just keep imagining him undercoating tiny little tanks with other men!’
A group of human body parts, both gender-specific and universal, have joined to demand that the British people cease making analogies between them and the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne.Â They have called these accusations, which are aired somewhere in the UK about four times every second, ‘lazy, simplistic and offensive’.
‘How can anyone justify calling Osborne a prick?’ demanded a prick.Â ‘Every man has a prick.Â They serve two essential bodily functions.Â Without a prick, a man’s life would be demeaning and miserable.Â OK, we can be used in unpleasant ways or just to scare old ladies, but Osborne manages that all the time anyway.Â So stop calling that arsehole a prick, will you?’
An arsehole immediately retorted that, whilst he sympathised with the prick’s frustration, he resented the slur no less.Â ‘Arseholes are certainly not pretty to look at and they may not give as much pleasure as pricks, although … no, let’s not go there right now … anyway, where was I?Â Yes, so they spread shit everywhere, like Osborne, I’ll concede that much, but they are also vital to the healthy function of every human body.Â You certainly can’t say that of old Smuggy McSmugface.’
The commonest insult used against the Prime Minister-in-waiting, that he is a complete twat, was strongly refuted by a twat.Â ‘I feel demeaned as an intrinsic part of a woman when I hear that,’ the twat sobbed.Â ‘Twats are alive with feeling, they have depth and individual character.Â Unlike pricks and arseholes, many find twats beautiful.Â The comparison between George Osborne and a twat is in extremely poor taste … oh ha ha, very funny. Prick.’
‘What she said,’ a cunt concurred.Â ‘Look, if you really have so little imagination that you can’t liken George Osborne to anything other than an atomised part of the body, why not try the appendix?Â It’s small and ugly, it is a non-functioning part of the digestive system, it serves no useful purpose and the only thing it will ever do is cause severe pain when you least expect it.Â Will that do?’
A highly inflamed appendix sitting preserved in alcohol in a biology laboratory in Cambridge reportedly flared up again when he heard this and gesticulated wildly as told the prick, the arsehole, the twat and the cunt in a slurred voice that they were all a bunch of pricks, arseholes, twats and cunts and should come over here for some if they were hard enough.Â Michael Gove could not be reached for comment.
A spokesman for the Health Secretary confirmed that Junior Doctor’s had been following the Liverpool Pathway; referring to their controversial tendency to strike on any day ending in a ‘y': Â ‘We’ve assessed the NHS and believe adding more funding will only prolong the pain’.
Critics have argued that an intravenous injection of cash is the only way to save the Health Service, however senior Conservatives argue that all people with illnesses need to do is: ‘take a little cash out of the offshore fund daddy set up and go private – or curl up and die – their choice’.
FOOTBALL!! FOOTBALL!! (In other news: ISIS surrender, Martians invade, etc). More soonâ€¦probably football related.
A Downing Street spokesman told a press conference: â€˜Look, I fully accept that making the wrong choice could be disastrous, but we firmly believe that, people with no flight experience and little or no grasp of the relevant information, should be making the decisions. In a democracy, itâ€™s not up to pilots to dictate what happens; the public should be consulted…though obviously not in things like reforming the electoral system by moving to PR.â€™
â€˜Itâ€™s all about consumer choice â€“ and the consumer knows best; which is why Iâ€™ll be having Katie Price educate my children, Boaty McBoatface defend our borders and Iâ€™ll be having my appendix removed by a team of meerkats from the car advertâ€™.
‘We’ve proved our critics wrong once again,’ said Kevin Simkins, the leader of Surbiton Council’s Lib Dem administration. ‘According to our entirely independent survey, we’ve exceeded our targets for ending racism and all types of social injustice,’ he reported.
Simkins said the council will not rest on its laurels, and its next target is to cure cancer and motor neurone disease, with a series of slogans and awareness-raising magazines written in terms that will engage the youth of the borough. There will also be a fashion show, a solemn play written by Surbiton Warehouse theatre’s writer in residence and a guest appearance by TV’s Leslie Grantham, who will talk about the danger of deep vein thrombosis to sedentary workers. ‘Leslie Grantham doesn’t come cheap, but if it saves just one taxi driver’s life, it will all have been worth it,’ he said.
Simkins came under fire from all sides when he committed Â£20 millionÂ to printing, in a range of different languages,Â what critics have called ‘a series ofÂ insipid leaflets containing buzzwords and meaningless corporate jargon’. Others complained that closing down an old people’s home to fund the leaflet campaign probably shortened many of its residents’ lives.
‘If I’m being criticised on both sides, I usually take that as a sign that I’m getting the balance right,’ said the council leader. Simkins gave short shrift to those who complained that his brother’s firm was the only company allowed to bid for the printing work. ‘I will treat that with the contempt it deserves,â€™ he said.