Fake News

Maitlis slams in a transfer request to spark a bidding war for top news talent

News Biscuit - Sun, 07/30/2017 - 3:00am

This summer could see the most frenetic trading ever in the news reading game, as the close season transfer market reaches fever pitch.  Two controversial rulings, by the game’s ruling body Auntie, are set to make this summer’s bidding war more intensive than ever. The first, the Gender Gap Expose, rocked the sport of autocue reading to its foundations, when it revealed that many men were on obscene amounts of money. The second initiative, the Two Wrongs Make a Right law, will see their female rivals demand the right to be overpaid with equal obscenity. The news reading game is ready for a torrent of employment litigation.

‘First we had a genderquake, now we’ve got a Sue-nami,’ said one insider.

Sources say top newscaster Emily Maitlis is to slam in a transfer request and seek showdown talks with the managers. Now Maitlis’ team mates – including top talent like Laura Kuesneberg and Jane Garvey – are involved in a furious bust up over wage demands.  The normally Ice Cool blonde is said to have flipped after hearing news room gossip about rivals in the other changing room. When Maitlis heard that one middling autocue reader at her club is trousering four times her wages she organised a dressing room revolt.

Maitlis leads the line on her news team, occupying the difficult position just in front of the camera. Having started her autocue reading career in the lower league with Thames News she soon impressed bosses with her quick wit. Male fans of Maitlis soon devised their own chant for her. ‘She’s quick! She’s hot! She’s everything I’m not, Emmer-lee, Emmer-lee!’

Meanwhile, many newsmen were seen running for cover and Jeremy Vine is said to have begged bosses to be transferred to a war zone.

Categories: Fake News

London declares war on Yorkshire

News Biscuit - Sun, 07/30/2017 - 1:00am

In a stunning new development in the fight against terror, London has declared war on Yorkshire. Citing the 7/7 bombings as justification, Prime Minister David Cameron said: ‘Yes, the bombers were all Muslims. But they were also all from Yorkshire, a fact which I don’t think has received enough attention until now.’

The Ministry of Defence expressed enthusiasm for the new strategy, a spokesman saying: ‘It’s a pain in the arse fighting bloody wars in the desert. The sand gets in everything. Yorkshire’s a much simpler proposition – we just need to give everyone a cagoule for the constant pissing rain.’ Asked whether they weren’t just pursuing the same policy that’s been so disastrous in the Middle East, the spokesman replied, ‘no, it’s different because this time it’s in Yorkshire.’

Fears that Yorkshire-based MPs would vote against the war were overcome by scheduling the vote during pub opening hours. However, civil liberties groups have stressed that the vast majority of the people living in the county are ‘moderate Yorkies, some of whom don’t even tell you they’re from Yorkshire until the second sentence they speak to you’, and warned that demonising the whole community only plays into the hands of the extremists.

Already there are stories of people being too afraid to leave the house wearing flat caps or leading whippets for fear of being attacked, or at least overcharged by London cabbies. Lancastrians, meanwhile, say they have long been the victims of Yorkshire-based terrorism, and are relieved the rest of the world has finally noticed.

‘Just the other day, we had a bloke self-detonate with a blood-curdlin’ cry of “How much?!?” in Morrisons in the Arndale Centre in Rochdale. Left a right bloody mess, I can tell yer.’


Categories: Fake News

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