Fake News

ISIS rebrand to IS ‘a great success’, as group vanishes from Google results

News Biscuit - Sat, 08/09/2014 - 7:00am

The well-known barbarian horde has declared today that the work of its image consultants in reimagining its brand has ‘exceeded all expectations’. Focus groups drawn from key stakeholders including Al Qaeda, the CIA, IDF and the Victim Support Group, were consulted about a range of options including ISWAS and OMFG, before settling on ‘IS’.

As Google ignores common words such as ‘is’, the new brand effectively mitigates the risk of searches highlighting the group’s beheadings, forced child marriages and other atrocities. ‘This can only be good for my client’s image’, said Justin Urquhart of Nu Yu Brand Consultants.

Based on the IS success of vanishing under Google’s radar, Al Qaeda is now considering a similar rebranding to ‘A’, he claimed.

‘There was also strong support for the addition of an exclamation mark – IS! – as respondents felt this made the group seem more vibrant and in-touch with the under 18 demographic’, continued Justin, ‘however we decided to keep this in reserve as a title for the forthcoming musical.’

cinquecento

Categories: Fake News

Rejected reality TV contestants discovered in sack in river Thames

News Biscuit - Sat, 08/09/2014 - 5:00am

A London man was shocked last night when he pulled a writhing sack out of the river Thames and discovered that it contained a collection of half-drowned, almost-forgotten reality TV stars.

Ian Anderson was walking his dog when he noticed the struggling sack beginning to sink below the surface of the water. He managed to hook it with a tree branch and pull it to the shore but was stunned by what he found.

‘I thought it must contain unwanted kittens or something. I couldn’t believe that people would still chuck them in a sack in the river in this day and age, but the kids have been banging on about wanting a cat, so I grabbed a branch and got it out of the water.’ said the unsuspecting hero.

‘They weren’t making any noise but there was movement so I knew there was something alive in there. When I opened it up I didn’t see the kittens I was expecting, but instead saw Frankie Cocozza staring at me with his pathetic, attention-seeking eyes. I was pretty sure my kids wouldn’t want to keep him as a pet, so naturally I was a bit gutted.’

As he delved deeper Ian also found someone from the last series of Big Brother and another one who looked vaguely familiar, who he thinks might have been in Fame Academy but he can’t be sure.

‘I couldn’t believe what I’d found but since then I’ve discovered this sort of things is more common than you’d think.’ continued Anderson, ‘A mate of mine is a plumber and he got called to the X Factor studios once to deal with a blocked toilet and found that Louis Walsh had tried to flush away a discarded boy band. It took him ages to force them around the U bend and get it working properly again.’

‘Anyway, this soaking wet lot were clearly no use to me, so I found some more bricks, re-tied the sack and chucked them back in. It’s the kindest thing to do.’

(hat-tip to SuburbanDad)

Categories: Fake News

‘Yes’ on Scottish independence ‘more likely’ as Boris Johnson heads for Parliament

News Biscuit - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 3:55pm

Alex Salmond’s campaign for an independent Scotland was bolstered this week, as Mayor of London Boris Johnson announced he’ll be standing as MP in the 2015 general election, with his eyes set firmly on Number 10.

Johnson’s unexpected announcement was met with dismay by many north of the border, with even the most outspoken of anti-independence campaigners beginning to find reason in Salmond’s rhetoric. Scotland’s younger generation have also been affected by the news, as many begin reconsidering their outlook.

‘It’s a tough decision; I mean, what if he gets the top job?’ said concerned first time voter, Tim McGuire. ‘On the one hand, independence will almost certainly cast us into unchartered economic waters, but on the other hand, our lives could be in the hands of a man whose middle name is ‘de Pfeffel’. I might just take a gap year to Basra or something’.

Many celebrity heavyweights have also been quick to voice their concerns following Thursday’s news. ‘This is a huge mistake’, said Rolling Stone and ‘pro-no’ campaigner, Mick Jagger. ‘Trying to persuade Scotland to remain in the UK after letting someone like Boris stand as MP, is a bit like persuading your friends to come over for dinner just after you’ve contracted the Ebola virus. Chances are you’ll be dining solo’.

Genealogy specialists Ancestry.com have also been impacted by the Mayor’s plans, claiming that their membership sign-ups reached an ‘all time high’ on Thursday evening. ‘We saw a huge spike of England-based users subscribing to our service’, explained website administrator, Michelle Dixon.

‘It seems that, the prospect of Boris Johnson having even more power has created a rush of people desperately trying to establish even the faintest of Scottish ancestry, presumably so they have the emigration option, should anything bad happen’.

Categories: Fake News

Obama: Iraq Airstrikes Not Slippery Slope To Other Humanitarian Interventions

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 2:25pm
WASHINGTON—In an effort to reassure a weary American public, President Obama said Friday that his decision to authorize airstrikes to protect Iraqi Kurds and besieged Yazidi minorities was not the beginning of a slippery slope toward other humanitar...






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: NRA Removes ‘Guns For The Blind’ Video

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 2:00pm
After receiving widespread backlash, the NRA has pulled an installment of its NRA News segment in which a U.S.






Categories: Fake News

Rest Of Evening Spent Declaring Asshole Not Going To Ruin Evening

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 1:25pm
SAN RAMON, CA—Following a brief and uncomfortable confrontation with an obnoxious stranger during their night out, a local group of friends spent the remainder of the evening declaring that they would not let the total asshole ruin their evening, so...






Categories: Fake News

[video] Asexually Reproduced Sea Sponge Worried She’s Turning Into Herself

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 1:00pm
A civilian casualty is flattered to have been mistaken for a Hamas leader, the entirety of a man’s personal data is protected by a reference to the third season of ‘The West Wing’, and an asexually reproduced sea sponge is worried she...
Categories: Fake News

[video] Security Experts Advise Americans To Not Click Anything

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 1:00pm
A civilian casualty is flattered to have been mistaken for a Hamas leader, the entirety of a man’s personal data is protected by a reference to the third season of ‘The West Wing’, and an asexually reproduced sea sponge is worried she...






Categories: Fake News

Cardinals To Donate $1,000 To Charity Every Time John Lackey Hits A Batter

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 11:35am
ST. LOUIS—As part of their ongoing effort to give back to the community, the St. Louis Cardinals announced Friday that the team will be donating $1,000 to charity for every batter that starting right-hander John Lackey hits with a pitch.






Categories: Fake News

Magazine: Can Anyone Challenge Koala For Baby Changing Station Dominance?

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 10:00am
Can Anyone Challenge Koala For Baby Changing Station Dominance?






Categories: Fake News

Frito-Lay Contest Offers Consumers Chance To Appear In Upcoming Bag Of SunChips

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 10:00am
PLANO, TX—Inviting consumers to experience their favorite snack product like never before, Frito-Lay announced a new sweepstakes this week that will offer customers the chance to appear inside an upcoming bag of SunChips.






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: McDonald’s Testing 60-Second Drive-Thru Guarantee

Onion - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 8:35am
Select McDonald’s restaurants in South Florida are testing out a new promotion that guarantees drive-thru customers a 60-seconds-or-less wait period for food or else they’ll get a free sandwich on a future visit, which has drawn criticism from...






Categories: Fake News

New English GCSE to require all answers to be less than 140-characters

News Biscuit - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 7:00am

Efforts to modernise the dated GCSE English syllabus have been announced by the Department for Education today. All GCSE English answers will be required to adhere to the 140-character limit to prepare students for a future in social media.

‘In this age of austerity, it is important that students learn to limit their messages to just one text, and are able to effectively communicate their daily activities in a Twitter-acceptable format,’ said a spokesman for the DfE.

He added: ‘If they aren’t able to anonymously and inhumanely troll innocent people in under 140-characters, then what sort of future do they have?’

tomholder

Categories: Fake News

PE teacher genome sequenced; possible cure ‘within 5 years’

News Biscuit - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 4:00am

Scientists have announced that PE teachers could be identified in the womb using a new DNA test. The breakthrough follows the complete sequencing of the ‘PE teacher genome’, which is a 98% match with human DNA.

Professor Dave Watkins explained the discovery: ‘This places PE teachers closer to humans than chimpanzees, which was a huge surprise. We can now design a foetal screening programme so the little bastards can be terminated before birth’. The condition has not attracted much sympathy from the public, and charity campaigns to identify its cause have been poorly supported.

Professor Watkins added: ‘This discovery has only been possible because hundreds of scientists across the world have given their time free of charge. Scientists really hate PE teachers, so we’re happy to help eradicate this curse. Speaking personally, I’ve never forgiven Mr Ellis for making me play rugby in my underpants and vest. In your face, Ellis’.

deceangli

Categories: Fake News

Britain’s oldest man still waiting for BT Infinity

News Biscuit - Fri, 08/08/2014 - 2:00am

Britain’s oldest man is celebrating his 110th birthday, whilst continuing to wait for BT to sort out his wireless broadband service.

Reg Nixon, from Cromley in Derbyshire, first got a leaflet extolling the virtues of BT Infinity on 25 January 2010, then aged a sprightly 108. He put a call through and was told an engineer would do a site visit within three weeks. 144 weeks later he’s still waiting for the service to be installed.

Mr Nixon’s daughter Valerie Crosby says the possibility of one day having high-speed connectivity is the secret to her father’s longevity: ‘It’s what keeps him going, really. He’s already outlived most of his friends, three wives, and about half a dozen BT engineers.’

‘It all looked very exciting,’ said Mr Nixon, ‘with the ability to stream movies and music whenever I wanted, at super fast speeds. I initially thought that Infinity was a reference to bandwidth, but I now realise it’s an indication of the average waiting time.’

Mrs Crosby added: ‘Dad has been witness to some of the most momentous events in history; but I think all of that would pale compared to finding a customer services representative capable of accessing his notes in less than 25 minutes.’

Mr Nixon, who has lived through two world wars and 24 British prime ministers, has also waited 12 weeks to get a telephone line, 18 months for a hip replacement and 28 hours at Crewe for a connection to Nantwich.

His local MP Malcolm Toddy said: ‘Reg is a testament to the indomitable British spirit, which is prepared to queue, hang on and generally receive shoddy customer service in the hope of one day getting somewhere.’

The world’s oldest man is 115-year old Hoshima Takamoto from Japan, who has been waiting since 1998 for someone at Apple to send out the lead for his iMac.

Categories: Fake News

Rock world mourns the passing of Colin, the 5th Ramone

News Biscuit - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 3:55pm

News has emerged that Colin, the little known 5th Ramone has died at his Chiswick home, aged 63. Colin, who was at the time a moderately successful draughtsman for a small architects’ firm in Brentwood, joined the band in 1975 after meeting them at the infamous punk venue The Flob and Strangle.

Initially, Joey and Tommy were reluctant to include the reedy timbre of the piano accordion to their fast paced shredded guitar sound, but after Colin bought several bottles of Jack Daniels, two ounces of prime Afghani resin, and several dozen pints of Worthington E for the band and their entourage, they finally relented.

Delighted, Colin spent the last of his inheritance on a one way ticket to New York, and met the band at their Manhattan recording studio.  Dee Dee Ramone took Colin’s portfolio of cutting edge punk rock songs arranged specifically for accordion and crumhorn, and agreed that the band would start to work on arrangements whilst Colin went to the liquor store to buy beer and whisky to keep them going for the three day recording session.

By the time he’d returned, the band had chosen a dozen of Colin’s best songs to record, including “The RAC took my baby away”, about the time Colin’s car broke down on the North Circular near Cricklewood, “Sheena is a Financial Administrator”, a song about a girl he had tried to ask out at a Christmas party some years earlier, “Do You Remember Big Band Radio”, about Colin’s love for old timey music and “I Wanna Be Reinstated”; a song he’d written after being sacked from a previous job due to false accusations of stationary misappropriation.

After numerous alcohol and fried chicken trips for Colin, the band announced that the recordings were complete and that he should return home while they went through the final mixing and added the occasional overdub.  Without the expected funds from record sales, Colin pawned his accordion to buy a return ticket, glowing with pride at the great music they’d made. He was also confident of all the attention he’d be getting from Sheena in accounts now that thousands of pounds would be pouring into his Midland bank account.

The rest is of course history. The album was delayed for several years by a contractual argument between the band and their record company, and was eventually dropped in favour of later recordings as the punk era took firm hold of the music industry.  Many of Colin’s songs did eventually emerge in the Ramones catalogue, albeit tweaked here and there to better fit into the sound of the New York punk scene. The rewrites did mean that royalties would have to be reduced somewhat, and the ongoing legal delays prevented the cheques from being issued as the band had wanted.

Colin Ramone died last Tuesday while listening to a worn out vinyl version of Rocket to Russia, following complications from a chest condition caused by too much accordion playing.

He leaves behind nothing.

Wallster

Categories: Fake News

Report: Middle Class Running Dangerously Low On Things To Be Squeezed Out Of

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 2:10pm
WASHINGTON—An alarming report released Thursday by researchers at the Economic Policy Institute confirmed that, following a generation of dwindling economic opportunities and stagnant wages, the American middle class is now running dangerously low o...






Categories: Fake News

American Voices: China Bans Government Use Of Apple Products

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 1:35pm
Due to fears of espionage posed by revelations from Edward Snowden, the Chinese government has banned its ministries and federal agencies from buying or using 10 Apple products, including the iPad and MacBook, over concerns that the U.S.






Categories: Fake News

Latest Online Security Breach Forces Mom To Change Post-It

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 1:25pm
Latest Online Security Breach Forces Mom To Change Post-It






Categories: Fake News

Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

Onion - Thu, 08/07/2014 - 12:50pm
MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly w...






Categories: Fake News
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