// mail.inc disabled due to spam abuse Mass Historia aggregator http://walternelson.com/dr/aggregator/categories/6 Mass Historia - aggregated feeds in category Fake News en News Biscuit: Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science’ http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/09/johnson-hancock-awarded-nobel-prize-for-work-on-not-following-the-science/ <p>The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.</p> <p>Johnson and Hancock&#8217;s valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/09/johnson-hancock-awarded-nobel-prize-for-work-on-not-following-the-science/">read more</a></p> Fri, 08 Oct 2021 23:00:48 -0700 News Biscuit: Newcastle flogged http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/newcastle-flogged/ <p>.</p> Fri, 08 Oct 2021 10:10:54 -0700 News Biscuit: Fears for life expectancy in Scotland triggered by Scottish Widows getting so much younger http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/fears-for-life-expectancy-in-scotland-triggered-by-scottish-widows-getting-so-much-younger/ <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>Population forecasters are tinkling in their tighty whities. The clearest indication yet that life expectancy in Scotland is plummeting has sent shockwaves through the back of a fag packet totter community.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/fears-for-life-expectancy-in-scotland-triggered-by-scottish-widows-getting-so-much-younger/">read more</a></p> Fri, 08 Oct 2021 07:00:58 -0700 News Biscuit: Christmas warning: Slinky costs set to spiral http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/christmas-warning-slinky-costs-set-to-spiral/ <p>.</p> Fri, 08 Oct 2021 06:44:57 -0700 News Biscuit: Random story generator deployed at The Sun http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/random-story-generator-deployed-at-the-sun/ <p>It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse. Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:</p> <p><em>A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.</em></p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/random-story-generator-deployed-at-the-sun/">read more</a></p> Fri, 08 Oct 2021 04:00:57 -0700 News Biscuit: Alan Sugar under fire for bogus apprenticeship scheme http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/alan-sugar-under-fire-for-bogus-apprenticeship-scheme/ <p>The employment practices of an Essex businessman were under the spotlight today, after investigators uncovered an elaborate scam being run from his Brentwood offices.  Luring up to 18 recruits a year with the promise of £250,000, Alan Sugar, also known by the sinister sobriquet ‘Lord’, had been running a sham training programme for over 12 years.  Newcomers worked unpaid for up to 3 months, forced to perform a series of demeaning tasks for Sugar’s personal gratification.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/alan-sugar-under-fire-for-bogus-apprenticeship-scheme/">read more</a></p> Fri, 08 Oct 2021 02:00:32 -0700 News Biscuit: Channel 4 apologizes as Grand Designs couple don’t overspend or get pregnant http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/channel-4-apologizes-as-grand-designs-couple-dont-overspend-or-get-pregnant/ <p>A spokesman for Channel 4 has apologised profusely after thousands of viewers complained about the content of this week&#8217;s Grand Designs. Presenter Kevin McCloud, could be seen seething on camera as this week&#8217;s couple, Tarquin and Philomena Farquar-Slowly were seen to have planned everything down to the last detail and even had a contingency plan and emergency funds.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/08/channel-4-apologizes-as-grand-designs-couple-dont-overspend-or-get-pregnant/">read more</a></p> Fri, 08 Oct 2021 00:26:07 -0700 News Biscuit: Wave down aeroplanes if you feel unsafe, Met tells women http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/wave-down-aeroplanes-if-you-feel-unsafe-met-tells-women/ <p>Women should flag down an aeroplane if they feel unsafe during an arrest, according to the Metropolitan Police.</p> <p>New guidance issued today suggests that any woman with doubts about the credentials of an arresting officer would be perfectly entitled to radio control “Mayday! Mayday!” into the cockpit of a passing Boeing 747 and await assistance.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/wave-down-aeroplanes-if-you-feel-unsafe-met-tells-women/">read more</a></p> Thu, 07 Oct 2021 07:00:57 -0700 News Biscuit: Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/brexiteers-slowly-returning-to-the-primordial-soup-claims-leading-anthropologist/ <p>A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.</p> <p>Professor Tobias Dell said that within the next few years all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms where they will continue to exist in the primordial soup.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/brexiteers-slowly-returning-to-the-primordial-soup-claims-leading-anthropologist/">read more</a></p> Thu, 07 Oct 2021 04:00:38 -0700 News Biscuit: Wind from Johnson’s arse will power every home in the UK http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/wind-from-johnsons-arse-will-power-every-home-in-the-uk-within-10-years/ <p>Addressing the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson has announced an ambitious plan that will see the endless flow of hot air and wind emanating from his bum-hole harnessed in a bid to supply the UK&#8217;s entire domestic electricity supply within ten years.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/wind-from-johnsons-arse-will-power-every-home-in-the-uk-within-10-years/">read more</a></p> Thu, 07 Oct 2021 01:47:51 -0700 News Biscuit: NewsBiscuit is getting a face lift…and a tummy tuck http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/newsbiscuit-is-getting-a-face-liftand-a-tummy-tuck/ <p class="paragraph" style="margin: 0cm; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="eop"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: 'Arial',sans-serif;"> </span></span><span class="eop"><span style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: 'Arial',sans-serif;">In the next few weeks, you will hopefully notice that NewsBiscuit has had a big makeover. This is partly out of necessity but mainly due to a mid-life crisis on the part of our editors.</span></span></p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/newsbiscuit-is-getting-a-face-liftand-a-tummy-tuck/">read more</a></p> Thu, 07 Oct 2021 01:30:19 -0700 News Biscuit: Levelling up: Boris moves entire North offshore http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/levelling-up-boris-moves-entire-north-offshore/ <p>The whole North of England has been moved to a PO Box in the British Virgin Islands, it was confirmed today.</p> <p>&#8216;It’s the simplest way of levelling up&#8217;,  said a government spokesman.  &#8216;All northerner wages will cross the Atlantic, do the double Irish and circumnavigate the Channel Islands before hitting pockets. The only tax they’ll pay will be on Wetherspoons beer, pies and whippet insurance. Hardly any loss to the treasury, according to my mate Piers.&#8217;</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/07/levelling-up-boris-moves-entire-north-offshore/">read more</a></p> Wed, 06 Oct 2021 23:23:42 -0700 News Biscuit: Tesla drivers overtake Audi drivers as the biggest pricks on UK roads http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/tesla-drivers-overtake-audi-drivers-as-the-biggest-pricks-on-uk-roads/ <p>Thanks to the government-induced fuel shortage crisis, the ‘Tesla Tosser’ has overtaken the ‘White Van Thug’ and the ‘Audi Moron’ to become the most hated road user in the country.</p> <p>Stories have been circulating in the press about Tesla drivers openly mocking people stranded in 15-hour queues for petrol or driving past in reverse, giving them the finger.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/tesla-drivers-overtake-audi-drivers-as-the-biggest-pricks-on-uk-roads/">read more</a></p> Wed, 06 Oct 2021 07:00:03 -0700 News Biscuit: Ironically early Christmas adverts just as annoying as the real thing http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/ironically-early-christmas-adverts-just-as-annoying-as-the-real-thing/ <p>Ironic Christmas adverts that call attention to how absurdly early they are airing are just as irritating as the real thing, according to a highly scientific study.</p> <p>These advertisements, which hit the public’s screens as early as the beginning of October, are shrouded in a thick layer of sarcasm, but in fact provoke the same enraged reaction in the viewer as a sincere ad would.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/ironically-early-christmas-adverts-just-as-annoying-as-the-real-thing/">read more</a></p> Wed, 06 Oct 2021 04:00:14 -0700 News Biscuit: Waitrose will unpack your ‘smug’ while you’re out http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/waitrose-will-unpack-your-smug-while-youre-out/ <p>Waitrose is to test a delivery service which will allow customers to experience all their innate superiority over their neighbours, without any of the tiresome waving of artisan cheese under their nose. Instead, the driver will unpack your priggishness and gnocchi, while you can enjoy a night at the theatre or an introductory lute-making class.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/waitrose-will-unpack-your-smug-while-youre-out/">read more</a></p> Wed, 06 Oct 2021 02:00:27 -0700 News Biscuit: Scrapping traffic light system will cause carnage, warns AA http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/scrapping-traffic-light-system-will-cause-carnage-warns-aa/ <p>Abandoning the UK&#8217;s traffic light travel system, in place since 1868, could put drivers at risk, says the leading motoring organisation.</p> <p>Under the new rules, motorists won&#8217;t be required to stop anywhere. It means that fully vaccinated drivers will no longer have to pull over in red list cities such as Birmingham and risk being infected by a virulent local dialect.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/06/scrapping-traffic-light-system-will-cause-carnage-warns-aa/">read more</a></p> Tue, 05 Oct 2021 23:00:46 -0700 News Biscuit: “Celebrity HGV Driver” programme may solve government crisis http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/celebrity-hgv-driver-programme-to-solve-crisis/ <p>Major broadcasters plan to come to the aid of the government by tapping into an endless supply of celebs that will do simply anything to have their faces on TV again, by helping solve the country&#8217;s HGV driver shortage.</p> <p>A plethora of has-beens have been taking the simplified HGV test, before showing their skills behind the wheel.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/celebrity-hgv-driver-programme-to-solve-crisis/">read more</a></p> Tue, 05 Oct 2021 07:00:01 -0700 News Biscuit: Leaves on line to be removed by dry ice and Legs & Co http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/leaves-on-line-to-be-removed-by-dry-ice-and-legs-co/ <p>Evoking a feel of 1970&#8217;s pyrotechnics, National Rail will be using dry ice to remove obstructions and introduce a song by Slade. It will also help conceal any rises in fares, through a mystical display of light, sound and share dividends.</p> <p>The dry ice will make any leaves brittle but also cover up the transition between bands and the worst excesses of platform shoes. Rail firms had considered using other elements from Top of the Pops to clear the lines, but trials of DJ Jimmy Saville ended up clearing all the younger commuters, instead.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/leaves-on-line-to-be-removed-by-dry-ice-and-legs-co/">read more</a></p> Tue, 05 Oct 2021 04:00:14 -0700 News Biscuit: Your new boss is too much to bear after just two weeks http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/your-new-boss-is-too-much-to-bear-after-just-two-weeks/ <div class="post"> <p>After having given him the benefit of the doubt for a fortnight you have come to the conclusion that your new boss is definitely a moron and that now you will have to look for a new job.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/your-new-boss-is-too-much-to-bear-after-just-two-weeks/">read more</a></p> Tue, 05 Oct 2021 02:00:46 -0700 News Biscuit: Dinosaurs: asteroid “was good for them in the long-run” http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/dinosaurs-asteroid-was-good-for-them-in-the-long-run/ <p>The Dinosaurs eventually recovered and thrived after their culture was interrupted by “a large rock’s completely unnecessary decision to leave space and crash into Earth”, a government spokesperson claimed today.</p> <p>“Sure, the dinos faced a temporary adjustment to less food, less sunlight and less being alive, » said the spokesperson, « but look at them now! They’ve never been more economically active! Have you seen how much Jurassic Park merch goes for?”</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/05/dinosaurs-asteroid-was-good-for-them-in-the-long-run/">read more</a></p> Mon, 04 Oct 2021 23:00:30 -0700 News Biscuit: Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/leaked-papers-land-mayor-of-cowes-in-freebie-donkey-ride-scandal/ <p>The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – <em>all</em> with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/leaked-papers-land-mayor-of-cowes-in-freebie-donkey-ride-scandal/">read more</a></p> Mon, 04 Oct 2021 07:00:22 -0700 News Biscuit: Police offer advice to women on what to do while being murdered by police http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/police-offer-advice-to-women-on-what-to-do-while-being-murdered-by-police-2/ <p>Women have been told to ask for a police officer&#8217;s warrant card and if possible use a mobile phone to photograph it and send it to a local police station or their MP while being murdered by the policeman. The police have also suggested that while being unlawfully killed women should take a note of the officer&#8217;s number and jot down any physical characteristics that might later identify him.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/police-offer-advice-to-women-on-what-to-do-while-being-murdered-by-police-2/">read more</a></p> Mon, 04 Oct 2021 04:00:19 -0700 News Biscuit: Johnson solves petrol crisis by imposing new lockdown http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/johnson-solves-petrol-crisis-by-imposing-new-lockdown/ <p>.</p> Mon, 04 Oct 2021 03:52:55 -0700 News Biscuit: Man wildly optimistic ahead of flat pack assembly http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/man-wildly-optimistic-ahead-of-flat-pack-assembly/ <p>A man with no DIY experience has set aside around 15 minutes to assemble a 300 piece cabin bed this weekend.</p> <p>Having glanced through the 36-page instruction booklet, 40-year-old Nick Ferguson plans to start the job at around 6pm on Saturday and will definitely be done by quarter past if not slightly before.</p> <p>&#8216;I&#8217;ll simultaneously be making a vegetarian chilli,&#8217; he said. &#8216;And I&#8217;m going to complete both tasks in a cool and fun way that involves my three young children.&#8217;</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/man-wildly-optimistic-ahead-of-flat-pack-assembly/">read more</a></p> Mon, 04 Oct 2021 02:00:13 -0700 News Biscuit: NewsBiscuit’s ’15 Years of Typos’ – now available in hardback http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/buy-our-book-and-save-a-kitten/ <p>Having hit your shelves a year ago and selling all of 2 copies,  <a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/NewsBiscuit-Years-Typos-News-Biscuit/dp/B09HFXH6DG/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&amp;qid=1633332266&amp;sr=8-1">’15 Years of Typos’</a> is finally available in hardback. The perfect draft excluder for this Christmas. This humble collection of stories is the culmination of years of frantic scribbling and at least three minutes of careful editing.</p> <p style="text-align: left;"> <p><em>‘Five stars? I thought I was reviewing a toaster’ – Amazon Reviewer</em></p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/buy-our-book-and-save-a-kitten/">read more</a></p> Mon, 04 Oct 2021 02:00:10 -0700 News Biscuit: Man shocked to learn he is tall after stranger points it out http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/man-shocked-to-learn-he-is-tall-after-stranger-points-it-out/ <p>A man has been left stunned after finding out he is tall.</p> <p>&#8216;Big Mike&#8217;, 39, had never thought of himself as tall until a complete stranger pointed it out: &#8216;Suddenly the pieces fell into place. I often wondered why my trousers finished at my ankles, why I was always banging my head on doorways, why everyone else was so short. It was only when this bloke in the pub went &#8216;blimey you&#8217;re tall&#8217; I thought &#8216;am I? &#8230;yes, actually he might be on to something&#8217;&#8230;then it all made sense.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/04/man-shocked-to-learn-he-is-tall-after-stranger-points-it-out/">read more</a></p> Sun, 03 Oct 2021 23:00:58 -0700 News Biscuit: Quantum physicists excited to learn that string theory also works with elastic bands http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/03/quantum-physicists-excited-to-learn-that-string-theory-also-works-with-elastic-bands/ <p>.</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p><em>Jack Yates</em></p> Sun, 03 Oct 2021 05:17:33 -0700 News Biscuit: Lorry driver shortage to be filled by Bradley Walsh http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/03/lorry-driver-shortage-to-be-filled-by-bradley-walsh/ Sun, 03 Oct 2021 05:10:28 -0700 News Biscuit: Pepys’ Diary: Famine by Christmas http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/03/pepys-diary-famine-by-christmas/ <p>To the coffee house behind the Exchange. There, much talk of the likelihood of a famine across the land. The fields are full of produce yet there are none to pick it. If picked there is no means to transport it, as all the carters, wherryman, and pack horse drivers where expelled to Bohemia, Silesia,and Hungary in the great Purge last year.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/03/pepys-diary-famine-by-christmas/">read more</a></p> Sun, 03 Oct 2021 04:00:29 -0700 News Biscuit: ‘Rejoice, the era of gruel is over’ announces workhouse treasurer http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/03/rejoice-the-era-of-gruel-is-over-announces-workhouse-treasurer/ <p>Britain&#8217;s huddled masses of urchins, scullions and paupers are today rejoicing at the news that their years of a diet of gruel are over, thanks to the goodwill of their government. &#8216;Kind Old Phil&#8217; Hammond, Workhouse of Commons treasurer, has been saving up copper coins all this time, and is now able to lay on a much improved regime of crumbs purchased from the tables of some of his colleagues in the Workhouse of Lords.</p><p><a href="http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2021/10/03/rejoice-the-era-of-gruel-is-over-announces-workhouse-treasurer/">read more</a></p> Sun, 03 Oct 2021 02:00:04 -0700