Fake News

Boris tricks prankster into thinking he’s Foreign Secretary

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/27/2018 - 4:00am

A hoax-caller was tricked into believing that Boris Johnson is real person and not a skit involving Sacha Baron Cohen. The fake Foreign Secretary was able to maintain his ruse by pointing out that if David Davis could be a Minister, then why not he?

For 18 minutes the conman was conned into believing that people would actually vote for Boris and that there was £350m available for the NHS. Despite the clue that Boris knew nothing about Foreign Affairs, the charade continued until Boris was no longer able to keep a straight face.

Said the Armenian prankster sheepishly: ‘Alarm bells should have rung when he said Brexit could work. It’s obvious now – the silly voice, the wig and the rudimentary grasp of numbers – I don’t know how I could’ve been fooled. I feel like a Leave voter’.

This is not the first time that Boris has imitated a minister; he once cavorted naked on Parliament square, hurling excrement and gibbering like a baboon– although, at the time, Chris Grayling said that imitation was the highest form of flattery.

Categories: Fake News

War and Famine denounce Brexit at B&Q canteen

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/27/2018 - 2:00am

Workers at B&Q in Tunbridge Wells were stunned yesterday during their tea break by the surprise arrival of two demonic figures: War and Famine. The nervous employees had only just sat down to chew on their ginger nuts when they were treated to an apocalyptic account of the horrors waiting in store for them if the country voted for Brexit.

‘No jobs! No food! No money!’ yelled Famine. He paused to let the weeping die down before he continued, his voice rising to a crescendo: ‘How will you be able to look your child in the eye in their last dying moments, when they ask you: Why Daddy? Why Mummy? Why did you put that little cross next to the box marked LEAVE?’

War then angrily asked the staff if they had ever seen a picture of Hiroshima and told them this could easily come to pass right here next year if the Leave campaign won. He then paused to pass his withering gaze over the trembling audience before delivering his final blood-curdling warning – ‘And if all that were not bad enough, a package holiday on EasyJet might go up by a couple of hundred quid!’

As the duo left the stage, the acrid scent of brimstone wafted slowly around the room and many staff shook or sobbed uncontrollably into their handkerchiefs. One said: ‘I only popped in to get a drink of coffee, and I ended up being lectured by these two. It was all rather upsetting really. I wouldn’t mind, but I only get fifteen minutes break.’

Another assistant, asked whether she had changed her mind about the referendum, said: “I’m a good judge of character and those two had honest faces. I’m certainly going to vote to stay in now – I have my children to consider. I can’t vote for nuclear weapons falling on their poor little heads, can I? And how would Tracy and Kylie feel if I had to tell them we couldn’t afford to fly to Disneyland this year?’

War and Famine were not available for comment, although a reporter’s microphone did pick up an unidentified voice from behind the stage saying ‘Good God, George. You don’t think they actually bought it do you?’ Organisers were quick to explain that the voice had been a B&Q employee referring to an unexpected sale of a garden shed.

Headache

Categories: Fake News

Pastor Curry’s sermon enters second week

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/27/2018 - 1:01am
Categories: Fake News

God resigns, leaves “driverless Universe”

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/26/2018 - 3:55pm

The former deity and Bible personality says He has been inspired by Tesla cars to put the Universe on autonomous mode and concentrate on playing golf with celestial bodies bin His declining years. He has announced that as from today He will not be answering any prayers or responding to requests to smite sinners.

“I know fundamentalist Christians really appreciate a bit of divine intervention every now and then, but after 15 billion years I think it’s time I started taking it easy”, He says. “Plus it’s a little-known fact that the laws of physics are more reliable than an Old Testament god when it comes to guiding planets in their orbits and keeping planes from dropping out of the sky”.

Theologians are divided on whether the cosmos would run more smoothly without the guidance of a Supreme Being. “I suppose it was only a matter of time”, said one of them resignedly, “seeing as we’ve already got self-driving cars and vacuum cleaners. Still, I think we’re going to miss God’s personal touch. Like the way He wiped out Sodom and Gomorrah in a fit of anger. It’s hard to imagine a software program doing that”.

Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Canterbury admits this “looks pretty bad” for his future employment prospects, but insists he is still available for royal weddings and spots on Prayer of the Day.

Categories: Fake News

Subway unveil “It All Tastes The Same” slogan

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/26/2018 - 4:00am

As increasing transparency becomes obligatory for businesses, Subway – sellers of the footlong sub – have decided honesty at all costs is the way forward as they unveiled their new slogan: It All Tastes The Same.

One sandwich technician, working in the London Charing Cross branch, admitted: ‘I always felt terrible offering the customer the choice of five different breads, knowing full well each one tasted the same. And as I filled their sub with our extensive range of fillings, I couldn’t look them in the eye; I just kept thinking, “it doesn’t matter; it doesn’t matter”. But now they know that, I can serve the sub without shame’.

‘Customers can still order a range of subs like our classic Chicken Ham, or the much-loved Meatball Marinara,’ reassured Subway’s Director of Sandwiches, Nicola Benger, ‘but now they can order sure in the knowledge that all they are going to get is a general unpindownable taste. Unless,’ she added, ‘they add jalapeños. Then it will taste “hot”. We’re charging an extra 50p for jalapeños’.

And this new honesty is a trend that’s in the ascendancy. With fast food outlets and some restaurants signing up to Just Eat’s new venture: Just Don’t Eat Here. Said one analyst: ‘It’s honest. It’s true. It’ll probably end in bankruptcy’.

Categories: Fake News

Militant Christian bakers capture Brighton, destroy historical gay sites

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/26/2018 - 2:10am

Reports are coming in from the southern province of East Sussex that a fundamentalist force of Christian bakers, cake decorators and cream fillers have worked themselves up into an extreme state and seized control of Britain’s ancient gay capital, Brighton, vowing to destroy every remnant of it.

Several sites of special sexual interest have already been bulldozed, including the Pink Moustache gay bar, Glitterballs nightclub and the Pumping Muscle gym – you know, the one that Geoff stopped going to because he kept finding empty lube bottles in the changing room, but now he’s worried he might be an awful bigot just like his dad.

The holy hetero army of God-bothering bun merchants is now threatening to flatten the Royal Pavilion, which was built between 1787 and 1823 for Britain’s campest king, George IV. In a video posted online, the anti-buggery bakers are claiming that the absolutely fabulous Pavilion is a shameless attack on their religous beliefs and gayer than a two-tiered frosted fairy cake with candy cock candles.

‘It’s terrible,’ says Sebastian Barratt-Wilson, a refugee bathroom designer from Prince Albert Parade. ‘There’s gangs of obese bald men all dressed in stark white aprons, marauding through The Lanes brandishing rolling pins and piping bags and smelling of baking soda and yeast.’

Thousands of Brighton’s metrosexuals and LGBT community have fled across the border into neighbouring Eastbourne where tensions are now running high with conservative locals, many of whom have openly tutted at them in the streets. A battalion of Gay Pride infantry is hoping to retake the city from behind the park and ride with a stunning flanking manoeuvre and dance routine that will catch the homophobic batter-boys with their trousers down.

Crayon

Categories: Fake News

Average speed cameras are really mean. More soon.

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/26/2018 - 1:02am

Hat tip to DavidH

Categories: Fake News

Kitchen bin still not full, confirms man

News Biscuit - Fri, 05/25/2018 - 3:55pm

The pedal bin in the kitchen does still not need emptying yet, a Leicester man has announced today. Peter Jones, 46, made the announcement today after clearing away dinner for his wife and 2 kids into an overflowing, impractically thin Brabantia rolled-steel finish bin.

‘Room for a few more things in there, and then the binmen come on Friday so I might as well take it out then’, said Jones confidently in a tone designed to cut off any challenge, whilst simultaneously trying to hold back a retch after getting a whiff of 4 day old chicken carcass.

Privately, Jones is thought to be harbouring concerns about his ability to extract the full bin bag from the bin, having already employed emergency tactics earlier in the day to stuff more waste in there, using his tried and tested two handed compresssion technique to squeeze a load of mouldy fridge items in. He is thought to be preparing for the worst, resorting to wedging the base of the bin between his two feet whilst trying to lift the bin bag, In the style of Geoff Capes in Worlds Strongest Man, by the couple of millimetres of material that remain visible at the top.

‘It’s a perfect storm’, said his wife in an exasperated tone. ‘Cheap Asda smart price bags. Rips in the side already from when he put a tin can in earlier this week. Seepage of some unknown liquid already into the base of the bin. God help whoever empties this one, and it will definitely be Peter.

In other news, Mr Jones has confirmed that the dishwasher isn’t quite fully stacked yet, and the ironing pile looks to be in a ‘steady and stable condition’

Categories: Fake News

GDPR can ‘f$ck off’

News Biscuit - Fri, 05/25/2018 - 7:00am

The UK has reached a consensus that the spread of data protection across Europe is on par with the Bubonic plague or an idea by Michael Gove. Many people have likened it to the End of Times or almost as bad as ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’.

The European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation (COCKWOMBLE for short) soon comes into effect, with data being erased faster than you can say, Theresa May, a box of matches and a Jamaican passport. No one will be truly safe until we have deleted all data – including the secret of fire – and re-set civilization to the Palaeolithic Era

Sadly all our inboxes are now flooded with unwanted emails from needy businesses, leaving very little space for those who need our data for legitimate purposes; such as Vote Leave, Nigerian Princes or your creepy ex. IT specialists admit that you can only really encrypt your identity by shaving off your finger-prints and smashing your face with a claw-hammer.

With a compliance checklist longer than the Doomsday Book, GDPR promises to be such a ‘pain in the arse’, that it would make a proctologist wince. Said one IT expert: ‘Basically, we’ll erase everything, Everything that matters. So only James Corden is safe’.

Categories: Fake News

UK to distribute, ‘In case of employment’ leaflets

News Biscuit - Fri, 05/25/2018 - 4:00am

As Sweden prepares to issue ‘In case of war’ documents to its population, the UK is vying to look equally as informative. In the unlikely event that the government’s assurances of job-creation in post-Brexit Britain come true they are distributing ‘In case of employment’ leaflets.

According to the literature, Britain’s 30+ million people of employable age have a duty to act if confronted with an opportunity to work, yet understanding the vast swathe of British people consider ’employment’ to be an activity captured by L.S. Lowry, the brochure offers advice for the potential worker on topics including: Coping with increased well-being, Not all conversations are threatening, and How to use an umbrella.

The publication will be issued in 10 languages, including native emoji, and follows other successful government leaflets, including: ‘Aids. Don’t die of ignorance’, ‘Banking crisis: what you think you need to know’ and the hugely popular, ‘Mad Cow Disease and masturbation. Am I at risk?’

Categories: Fake News

Printer manufacturer unveils new fruit conserve, Paper Jam

News Biscuit - Fri, 05/25/2018 - 2:10am

Xerox, the well-known supplier of office and home printers and photocopiers, has today branched out into the world of fruit confections and unveiled its Paper Jam, a tasty pulp-based gelatin ideal for spreading on toast or scones.

‘Our printing and photocopying operation has given us years of experience in producing jams, but until now we never thought about bottling and selling it,’ said Ursula Burns, Chairman and CEO of Xerox UK. ‘Paper Jam contains materials sourced from only our finest aborted and scrumpled print jobs and so is rich in iodine and fibre, ironically making it excellent at clearing blockages.’

Xerox say they first thought about diversifying into food products after their customers reported getting frustrated and peckish while experiencing unexpected delays in their print jobs. ‘Now they’ll be able to make themselves a snack while they wait for their documents to finally finish printing,’ continued Burns. ‘And if the paper does get chewed up they can always send it back to us to be recycled.’

Paper Jam jars also draw on Xerox’s patented intelligent stock control technology to warn customers that their supply is running low by only producing patchy and faded coverage of their toast.

Despite the high-profile launch, testing of Paper Jam exposed a crucial design flaw as on occasion the foodstuff inexplicably got stuck in the subject’s gullet, leaving them unable to function properly but without being able to give a clear explanation of the problem or comprehensible instructions on how it might be fixed.

Neverthless Xerox are buoyant about the prospects of their new venture and are already extending their range. ‘We just tried to print some flyers and posters promoting Paper Jam but they didn’t come out right, and instead we ended up with some fine-shredded marmalade.’

Categories: Fake News

World Celebrates End of GDPR Emails

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/24/2018 - 3:55pm

Global celebrations kicked off at midnight in Australia with a huge fireworks display on Sydney Harbour Bridge, as the world’s citizens woke to a bright new future without their inboxes clogged with begging GDPR emails. From now on people can look forward to simply being spammed with fanciful penis enlargement remedies, and fortunate Nigerian lottery wins.

By now, all companies that had spent their entire previous existence not giving a flying shit about your privacy and data security, have now solemnly promised that they now care deeply about your privacy and data security, so long as you don’t cut off all future contact with them.

Companies whose entire business model consisted of being able to send you endless marketing bullshit you don’t want, because of a tiny box you didn’t tick on an email 10 years ago, are facing tough times.

Jihadi groups attempted to crash the celebrations by threatening an all-out global cyber-assault with GDPR emails. One group’s website sent out the message ‘O brothers, send upon the infidel dogs of the west fire, blood and millions upon millions of GDPR emails,’ but most of their followers never got the message because they failed to answer ‘yes’ to their previous GDPR consent email.

Categories: Fake News

‘Bojo needs wings’ says Boris

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/24/2018 - 7:00am

Foreign Secretary Boris de Pfeffel Johnson is requesting a private plane to better facilitate his duties representing British interests abroad in a more efficient and prudent manner, also to avoid hordes of screaming fans.

‘Bojo! Bojo! Bojo! It’s terribly off-putting for passengers disembarking public flights to know all that’s waiting for them is a cardboard sign with their name spelt incorrectly, and not the overwhelming public adoration I get. It’s kids too, they respect Bojo, not just because my dad did good jungle. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s Boristeria, but it’s jolly-well not far off. That’s why Bojo needs his own wings, it’s not for me.’ commented the Foreign Secretary.

Boris added, ‘So, I’m in South America, yeh? I’m here to represent British interests but the only British thing everyone’s interested in is Bojo. I’ve just done DC – smashed it! And I’m thinking about a stadium tour of Europe next year to coincide with Brexit, they’ll lap me up… Does anyone know the whereabouts of my mariachi band?’

‘And I want a proper plane not like that fetid old grey RAF Voyager that’s never ruddy available. I’m talking a brand new British 747 but shaped like a unicorn, a British unicorn with an effigy of yours truly riding it, in armour, like St. George…and then, when I’m President Of Earth…’

Categories: Fake News

Prince George Sells Page Boy Outfit on eBay

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/24/2018 - 4:00am

With his parents’ pocket money allowance not quite letting the young Prince live like a prince, George has put his page-boy outfit on Ebay to try to make some extra coin. He hope’s it’ll fetch a cool 20 odd grand so he can fully pimp out his tricycle.

And he’s not the only royal attempting to cash in on the wedding. Beatrice and Eugenie both have their wedding outfits up for sale but have no bidders as yet. The Middleton’s have posted up a whole range of cutlery and dining pieces they swiped from the reception, which are all doing quite well, and Bishop Curry is offering his services as wedding preacher supreme to all those happy couples who want to be bashed on the head about love for 15 odd minutes.

Royal fans also have the chance to bid for Prince William’s ‘nut-crusher’ wedding trousers, and the live-action wax-work model of Prince Phillip who stood in at the ceremony for the real Duke of Edinburgh.

Categories: Fake News
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