Fake News

Labour votes to ‘Kinda’ leave the EU

News Biscuit - Thu, 03/01/2018 - 5:00am

The Labour Party has decided its Brexit policy is now to leave the EU ‘more or less’ – but mostly less. ‘We are committed to respecting the spirit of the Brexit referendum which we have determined was pretty half-hearted,’ said Shadow Brexit Secretary Sir Keir Starmer. ‘I mean 52% to 48% – that’s practically a draw in our books.’

‘It’s like asking the Missus if she wants to go to the movies on Thursday night,’ continued Sir Keir, ‘and she says “Oh I dunno, maybe, not bothered really. I’ll see how I feel, but if you really want to go I’ll go too. It’s not exactly decisive.”

Under the new plan Labour have proposed leaving the EU for the first half of the year, then re-joining it for the second half. Or having a rotating one day-in, next day-out policy. Or just leaving the EU at night-time then popping back in in the morning.

‘Instead of a hard Brexit or a soft Brexit, we’re proposing a really, really half-arsed Brexit. Basically the country couldn’t really make its mind up one way or the other and we feel this should be reflected in our policy. Except maybe Sunderland. Those leave-voting bastards can just haddaway and shite, man!’

Categories: Fake News

Authorities condemn figure-of-eight M25 prank

News Biscuit - Thu, 03/01/2018 - 3:00am

The Highways Agency has condemned pranksters who last night reconfigured the M25 in to a giant figure-of-eight, and branded their actions as ‘short-sighted, potentially dangerous and extremely silly’.

Kevin Baxter, a 42-year-old Chartered Accountant from Guildford, was one of the many motorists delayed even more than usual following the prank as he tried to get to the airport. ‘I was driving clockwise round the M25 just minutes away from Heathrow’ he explained, ‘when all of a sudden I found myself heading anti-clockwise. At first I thought the Sat-Nav was playing up, but when I unexpectedly encountered oncoming traffic crossing my carriageway, I knew something was up. In the end I didn’t get to the airport until nine hours after the scheduled departure time of my flight, but luckily I’d booked with Ryanair so I should be on my way to Dublin in a few more hours’.

The Highways Agency have warned motorists to expect ‘severe disruption’ on the M25 for at least the next fifteen years, while junctions 6 and 24 are separated and the motorway returned to its original ‘orbital’ layout.

The Metropolitan Police have also advised motorists to avoid the Lambeth area, where the new crossover point of the rerouted motorway was dumped, resulting in widespread carnage. ‘I’m confident that we will catch the culprits’ stated Chief Superintendent Matt Bell, ‘and if we can prove that their recklessness has been a contributing factor in the 892 road traffic accidents reported overnight then they can be sure of receiving a hefty fine, and possibly even several hours of community service.’

However, the new figure-of-eight configuration has won some admirers, not least the Mayor of London Boris Johnson, who declared himself a fan of the new layout, which he described as, ‘a refreshing change, that’s sure to ease the monotony of circumnavigating London. Personally, I think that both the Highways Agency and the Met are completely overreacting’ declared Boris. ‘This is nothing more than a harmless jape, not dissimilar to the sort of high jinx that I’d get up to in my youth following a Bullingdon Club dinner’.

However, critics of Mr. Johnson have suggested that his favourable view of these, ‘unofficial road works’, may have been unduly influenced by the sudden and sharp rise in Congestion Charge revenue over the past 12-hours.

Categories: Fake News

Trump to update US schools with sheriffs, stables and saloons

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/28/2018 - 4:55pm

The President Trump Corporation (in association with the NRA Investments & Loans LLC) has put forward its plans for hardening schools all across the United States to make them fit for the 21st century – and yet remarkably similar to the 1800s west of the Pecos.

The plans were announced after another mass school shooting in which Donald Trump didn’t actually see for himself how gun-free schools are a magnet for rootin-tootin desperados. However, he strongly believes that students can solve all of their soft-target problems if only schools would hombre the hell up and turn the gyms into blacksmiths, the canteens into mercantile stores, and the staffrooms into whorehouses like the best little ones in Texas.

During a special White House meeting with many many survivors of school shootings, Mr Trump hosted a listening session in which he reassured everyone by saying: “My darling clementines, it’s a real shane that once upon a time in the west, a wild bunch of little big mans hud to be the outlaw, and unforgiven for a duel in the sun. But now, thanks to the searchers for a few dollars more than a fistful of dollars, every student – the good, the bad, and the ugly – right across the big country, from Fort Apache to the Rio Grande, will get a bonanza of magnificent sevens with the true grit to save their rawhides from a bad day at black rock before high noon.”

Meanwhile, critics of Donald Trump are expecting his presidency to end with a bang that’s shortly followed by a bigly parade from Capitol Hill to Boot Hill.

Categories: Fake News

Hollywood greenlights new film – ‘High Plains Supply Teacher’

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/28/2018 - 8:00am

Hollywood has been quick to react to the new era of armed teachers in schools, announcing today that it’s given the green light to a modern day Western, “High Plains Supply Teacher”.

The film tells the story of Dodge, a Local Education Authority menaced by bad people with guns, thought to be former students with a grudge. Local teachers can’t control them, and the townspeople have all but given up hope when a mysterious stranger rides into town on a Honda C90 moped with no name.

Complete silence falls, apart from a slight squeak from his leather elbow patches as he walks, as he confronts the bad guys on Main Street, telling them “This Education Action Zone ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

He manages to gun them all down despite being vastly outnumbered and struggling to control his class at the same time, telling them “Settle down 3C… it’s your own time you’re wasting… no, you’ll get it back at the end of term… are you chewing?”

However, he himself sustains a fatal wound and dies in the arms of his students, who say “If only there’d been less of them!” which he corrects to “fewer of them”, at which point they finish him off themselves.

Categories: Fake News

Chi*a bans the ‘N’ letter.

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/28/2018 - 6:45am
Categories: Fake News

Outbreaks of smugness from 4×4 owners forecast

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/28/2018 - 5:00am

With Britain in the grip of a Siberian weather front, some councils have issued a yellow alert for smugness from drivers of 4×4 vehicles.

Forecasters have revealed that drivers of Chelsea tractors who have never been off road will experience a sudden surge of feeling invincible, despite their chunky vehicles not being equipped with winter tyres, as they plough on regardless of the road conditions in the belief that a permanent four-wheel drive system somehow turns them into a Finnish rally champion, capable of inch-perfect driving in all whatever the weather.

The smugness outbreak is not expected to last for long as it will soon be replaced by schadenfreude from drivers of regular vehicles who find these Land Rangers stuck in very small amounts of snow.


Categories: Fake News

Toys Я bUst

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/28/2018 - 4:08am
Categories: Fake News

Conservative Party to adopt new ‘jackboot’ logo in place of tree

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/28/2018 - 3:00am

The Conservative Party has decided to rebrand itself as ‘The Workers Party,’ following poor opinion poll ratings among low-waged workers in marginal constituencies.

They have also been urged by constituency MPs to replace the party’s logo – currently a green tree – because it no longer reflects the party’s aspirations and the leader’s determination to ‘get rid of all this green crap.’

A backbencher has suggested adopting a boot as the party’s new symbol, to suggest sympathy with hardworking Brits who, as a consequence of the global economic crisis of 2008, have had to show resilience and fortitude by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. However, a graphic design consultancy asked to submit some preliminary images said it was difficult to make the bootstraps stand out in silhouette, and suggested the party might prefer to use the more classic outline of a military jackboot instead.

‘Perfect,’ opined Marjory Spandau, backbench MP and free school history teacher. ‘Just what we need. It’s a tough, no-nonsense image the average worker can relate to, especially warehouse and construction workers who wear boots at work for health and safety reasons. This communicates very strongly that, far from being just a party for the rich, the modern Conservative Party is on the side of the working man or woman.’

‘There just remains the problem of UKIP taking votes off us with its appeal to nationalism and closed borders, and the worry that Labour might be winning back popular support by offering an alternative that looks a little bit more like socialism than anything it has offered in over 20 years. While we’re re-branding the party we could kill another two birds with the same stone by adding the words ‘National’ and ‘Socialist’ to the name. If we call ourselves the National Socialist Workers’ Party we could become an almost unstoppable force in European politics, extending our reach far beyond these British Isles.’

Backbench MP Nigel Corduroy said ‘We could go further, of course. We have long been envious of the hardworking example of the German worker, which British workers would do well to emulate if Britain is not to be left behind in a very competitive global economy. We could insinuate ourselves into voters’ imaginations as the National Socialist German Workers’ Party. That’s got to inspire people.’

The re-branding is in its early stages yet, but sources suggest the jackboot logo is to be unveiled with a new slogan outlining the Conservative Party’s vision of the future: ‘imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.’

Edward Knight

Categories: Fake News

Splice Girls ?

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/28/2018 - 2:13am
Categories: Fake News

‘I will build a truly great and amazing border to encircle Camden’ says Boris

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/27/2018 - 4:55pm

Tory MPs broke into excited chants of ‘build the wall, build the wall’ when a hard border between Camden and the rest of London was suggested. Boris Johnson led the calls, suggesting Camden was not sending its best people to Westminster.

Donning a bright red ‘Make Westminster Grey Again’ baseball cap he said Camden was mainly sending policy analysts, marketing managers and bad street entertainers to the heart of London, and he wanted to stop any more Camden residents leaving the area in future.

Mr Johnson claimed Camden was plagued with gang violence, although he did concede it was pretty good place to occasionally score some good ‘charlie’ – or as he called it – ‘a bit of the jolly old whooshity-bosh schnizzle schnozzle’.

As the proposal began to gather strong support, many other ‘vibrant’ London suburbs were put forward as candidates for being sealed off. Peckham, where 1 in 3 residents admitted to being a member of a moped gang, topped the list. However, Tower Hamlets was rejected, as it was pointed out it has already sealed itself off from the rest of the capital.

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn was outraged by the suggestion that only Westminster should be protected from some of the less desirable elements of London, demanding that the nice part of Islington where he lived be heavily shielded as well.

Categories: Fake News

‘I’d be paid more if I wasn’t such a knob,’ claims Piers Morgan

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/27/2018 - 8:00am

Breakfast presenter Piers Morgan has said that he’d be paid ‘a hell of a lot more’ if he was less of a knob. He told reporters: ‘Presenters who, for whatever reason, aren’t knobs get more money and it’s neither fair nor acceptable. I mean if I wasn’t such a colossal knob I’d have got a fortune for that merciless grilling I gave Trump a few weeks ago, instead I only got ridiculously overpaid.’

GMB’s biggest anchor went on to claim that broadcasters should make an effort to recruit more knobs. ‘Channel bosses concentrate on ethnic diversity, but overlook the benefits the presenter / host being a knob can bring to any item, if they had just a little more savvy then we’d get far more realism in broadcasting which would reflect society far more accurately; after all, I’m sure most people have met someone who’s a knob. In fact, everyone I know says they’ve met at least one monumental knob, and then look at me rather pointedly.’


Categories: Fake News
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