Fake News

Antivegetarians Celebrate Ban Cauli Day

News Biscuit - Tue, 08/28/2018 - 3:17am
Categories: Fake News

Pope pledges to fight paedo priests on Papal view

News Biscuit - Tue, 08/28/2018 - 3:00am

The Pope has agreed to fight every single one of Ireland’s paedophile priests in a one-of-a-kind boxing event exclusive to paid subscribers on You Tube.

The decision is seen by many as a knee-jerk response by the 81 year old Pontiff to a global scandal still enveloping the Catholic Church, with critics claiming he himself has not only helped cover up the myriad of institutional abuse but more tellingly that he steadfastly refuses to hold any of the known abusers to account.

Francis used a speech at Mass in Phoenix Park, Dublin to ‘ask forgiveness’ for the decades of abuse by clergy, but when the 500,000 strong crowd, angry at hearing the same old shit, began throwing sharp objects at him, he reluctantly announced he would engage with the perverts, predators and pederasts one by one. Or all at the same time, he wasn’t bothered, bring it on.

In the grand tradition of naming high-profile boxing matches, “The Bruiser for Abusers” is in its early stages of planning, with Durex the surprise favourite as the lead sponsor.

A spokesman for the Pope said, “His Holiness can’t think what puts young people off the Catholic Church. But hopes that by live-streaming him fighting a register of sex offenders, many of whom are in positions of authority within the church, that they would then be more motivated to join.

“How the church is viewed by outsiders is critically important to Pope Francis, but at the end of the day, his Holiness is very much a realist and knows that whatever he says, whatever he does, he is unlikely to reach the number of followers KSI or Logan Paul have.”

DGreen, Hat-Tip to Midfield Diamond

Categories: Fake News

Hadrian bans fancy dress at the Colosseum

News Biscuit - Tue, 08/28/2018 - 1:00am

The divine Emperor Hadrian has issued an official decree, under which the wearing of outlandish costumes during gladiatorial contests at Rome’s Colosseum will no longer be permitted, starting with this week’s Palatine Games, which are sponsored by Mars. Since the time of his father Trajan, many young plebs have worn fancy dress on the third day of tournaments, to the disgust of patricians.

‘About time too,’ snorted Gaius Publius Agricola, senator for Campania Central and a member of the Minervan Censors Committee (MCC), which has laid down the rules for chariot racing and gladiator fighting since the year LXXXVIII. Agricola added that at last month’s wild animal fight, he could barely hear the antelopes’ dying screams because of a group of young hooligans chanting in the Romulus Stand.

‘They were sitting there stark naked with blue skin and false beards, stuffing themselves with sows’ vulvas and singing Gaulish war chants. Apparently they were meant to be Picts. Picts! What appalling disrespect to the brave men of the 6th Legion who died defending our borders against these barbarians under Vespasian,’ said Agricola. ‘Can’t get the slaves these days,’ he added, thrashing a Scythian who was late bringing his wine with a bundle of sticks.

Hadrian’s decree states that anyone found in the Colosseum without the regulation toga and garum-and-larks-eggs tunic will be hurled onto the Tarpeian rock, dredged from the Tiber and nailed upside down to a plank on the Appian Way with their livers hanging out for vultures to peck clean until they die. Repeat offenders, however, cannot expect such leniency.

Some diehard fans are not worried, just as long as they still get to see their heroes stab each other to death every week. ‘Me and my mates all SO fancy Pugnax Aemilianus, the trident and net fighter, he’s well lush, like,’ said Metella Claudia, 14-year-old daughter of a lictor. ‘Oh come to think of it, he was eaten by three panthers last week. So who is it now again?’

Categories: Fake News

Lib Dems to introduce nationwide “opt out scheme” to choose new leader

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/27/2018 - 2:55pm

The Liberal Democrats are to change the rules on choosing their leader, says Vince Cable.

Under new proposals (to be known as ‘deemed consent’ or ‘opt out’), everybody in the UK would be considered a potential future Lib Dem Leader unless they have added their details to the Lib Dem Leadership Exemption Register to say that they do not wish to lead the Party, or are in one of these excluded groups: the DUP, UKIP, KKK or Little Mix.

Mr Cable told a reporter, “Over 80% of British adults say they would definitely, or would consider, becoming Lib Dem leader, but less than 1% of the UK population has registered as a fully paid-up Liberal Democrat member.

Under the current system, people who want to lead the Lib Dems have to be card carrying members of the party. Often members’ families are unaware that their loved has even considered joining, let alone leading, the party.”

He continued, “If a person has not admitted to joining the Lib Dems, then our specially trained volunteers are around to sensitively provide information to families to help them to come to a decision about whether their loved one should be the next leader.”

Critics of the scheme claim it is unworkable and that Mr Cable may be finally losing it.

Categories: Fake News

No-deal Brexit plan ‘mainly involves rats’

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/27/2018 - 6:00am

In a short paper on the ramifications of a no deal scenario, the UK Government admitted it would all depend on ‘what the cockroaches wanted to do’. Rats droppings would be adopted as an interim currency until the pound stabilizes, while refuse collection centres would replace Marks and Spencer Food.

A spokeswoman said: ‘The rat is a versatile, renewable resource, which encapsulates the merits of a low-wage, de-regulated gig-economy. Your average rat can survive on 7 grams of food a day, while still holding down jobs at both Sports Direct and an Amazon warehouse. And unlike most workers, the rat can use its tail for balance and will do anything for cheese.’

Rats can create affordable low-rent properties out of shredded paper and will happily make do with a budget smart-phone. In times of austerity the rat is one of our few growth industries and for those that can not afford a child of their own, they make the perfect surrogate.

A helpful guide to schools, in association with Jamie Oliver, explained the healthy options at meal time: ‘You can have sautéed rat, pan-fried rat, glazed rat, smoked rat, pickled rat, pureed rat, fondue rat, roasted rat, barbecued rat, confit of rat, boiled rat, rat stuffed with rat and rat with rat foam on the side. Ultimately, the public don’t need to worry about rats leaving the sinking ship, as they will have all been eaten by then’.

Categories: Fake News

Trump: I like loyal Republicans who didn’t die

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/27/2018 - 4:00am

Hat-tip Sinnick

Categories: Fake News

‘No Healthy Level of Church Attendance’ Major Study Finds

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/27/2018 - 3:00am

Whilst previous studies have suggested small amounts of church going might have positive health benefits,  new researxh indicates that even the slight positives engendered by repeated kneeling are far outweighed by the very real negatives of worship.

These negatives include ridiculous sycophantic singing, unwelcome fondling and being forced to listen to someone read passages from one of the worst books ever written, which can actually cause susceptible people to lose their will to live or become seriously depressed.

According to the research all of these regular features of church life have a seriously detrimental effect on mental health, particularly the singing which psychologists believe would be intolerable for any normal person. The study concluded that excessive church attendance often leads to a very unadventurous sex life and for some men a partial cessation of masturbation, though being based on a self-assessment questionnaire these results are thought to vastly underestimate the true number of wankers who regularly attend church.

Categories: Fake News

Daily Express readers bemused by genuine wonder drug

News Biscuit - Mon, 08/27/2018 - 1:00am

The announcement of a genuine wonder drug has thrown the Daily Express community into confusion, with several readers threatening to boycott it. ‘The way this news has been leaked is an outrage’, said one reader. ‘Medical protocol dictates that the Daily Express has the scoop on medical discoveries, with rags like The New England Journal of Medicine announcing them years later, if at all. This discovery has gone through some randomised double-blind clinical trial nonsense instead. Don’t these people understand?’

Many readers have said that they won’t take the drug if offered, and a vocal minority has claimed it was all just an attempt by the Duke of Edinburgh to deflect attention away from Diana. Another reader said: ‘If we wanted to immerse ourselves in gritty reality we’d watch Call the Midwife or Midsomer Murders. This discovery has far too much science in it, and absolutely no references to how much better things were in the 50s’.

The Duke of Edinburgh was unavailable for comment. Probably plotting to overthrow the Al Fayed family or something.

Categories: Fake News

NetFlix blamed for ‘empty’ enclosures at troubled monkey attraction

News Biscuit - Sun, 08/26/2018 - 2:55pm

 

The ‘Go Bananas’ monkey sanctuary in Dorset is at the centre of criticism from both animal welfare experts and visitors, after it was revealed that an initiative to provide cutting-edge, 21st century facilities for resident primates encountered a series of problems.

As Peter Cooper, Head Keeper, explained, “Monkeys are sophisticated and complex higher primates who love life and have a passion for adventure and new experiences. Unfortunately, we don’t really have the staff, or the money to give them that, so earlier this year we thought, ‘F*ck it, we could just get them the latest 4K televisions, take advantage of 6 month discount subscription to Netflix and let them binge-watch some mind-rotting TV like their human equivalents. What could go wrong?’

To begin with, feedback from both keepers and the park’s guests to the initiative were positive, despite the odd riot or two over the ownership of the remote control. However, by the beginning of July the situation had changed for the worse.

“We were starting to get complaints about some of the animals’ behaviour in front of the guests, particularly if the guests were discussing anything television-related’, noted Simon Lewis-Briggs, duty manager. “For example, Bobo the gorilla, ‘overheard’ two girls discussing some American reality TV show and he started covering his ears and grunting something that sounded very much like, ‘No spoilers, no spoilers!’, and begun baring his teeth and banging on the glass of the enclosure.

“Now the primates won’t leave their inner enclosures at all, unless to feed or shit. And sometimes not even then – when they got hold of the last series of The Crown, we didn’t see them for days.

Amidst falling ticket sales, the attraction’s management team have worked hard to make the best of the situation. ‘We’ve installed interactive booths at every enclosure so the kids can watch what is not happening and then vote on whether they think the monkeys are still alive’, continued Lewis-Briggs.  ‘Dead or Escaped: You Decide’ is bringing it home!

Not all visitors have been positive about the changes, however. As one indicated, “Like the majority of people who come here I don’t give a shit about monkeys, today I’ve spent all my time, smoking, drinking coffee and shouting at kids.”  Whilst another, Judy Little, said. “I don’t know what the fuss is all about. Staring mindlessly for hours at an enclosure waiting expectedly for some animals to do something isn’t much different from watching Love Island.”

DGreen

Categories: Fake News

As Pope upgrades holy relic, priests release grime mix of My Lovely Horse

News Biscuit - Sun, 08/26/2018 - 3:00am

Aides of His Holiness Pope Francis, have confirmed The Pontiff is to make an addition to his schedule during this weekend’s visit to Ireland, when he will preside over a ceremony that sees The Holy Stone of Clonrichert upgraded from a category 2 relic to the highest possible classification of ‘A Very Holy Thing Indeed Altogether’ (AVHTIA).

The stone has long been associated with Ireland’s success in The Eurovision Song Contests with past winners, Johnny Logan and Dana, both having visited and kissed it before their respective wins. With its imminent elevation to AVHTIA it’s feared in some circles that this will assure the Irish become contest winners in perpetuity.

However Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has sounded a note of caution telling reporters: ‘This is a great thing for tourism but we must exercise care, because quite frankly the country cannot afford to host Eurovision annually, so it will necessary to ban any of our future entrants visiting the stone before taking part.

Meanwhile Craggy Island’s Parish Priest, Fr. Ted Crilly, and his curate, Fr. Dougal McGuire were spotted going into a Dublin recording studio with grime artist, Stormsy, where showbiz insiders understand they are mixing a new version of their own failed Euro Song, My Lovely Horse, as a possible entry for next year’s contest.

 

Chipchase (with apologies to Linehan & Matthews!)

Categories: Fake News

Oompa Loompas speak out about abuse at hands of ‘cruel confectioner’

News Biscuit - Sun, 08/26/2018 - 2:00am

Diminutive factory workers for the Wonka confectionary brand have spoken out about dangerous working conditions and cruel treatment at the hands of Willy Wonka in the wake of the sweet maker’s death. The confectioner was already under investigation for a series of disappearances of children in the local area, amid allegations of workers being forced to inflict bizarre punishments on young visitors as their smiling master, known to workers as ‘The Candyman’, looked on.

‘The smiling demeanour was just a front’, one worker told us. ‘Away from the cameras it was a different story; we were restricted from leaving the factory and made to sing and dance in a patronising mockery of our indigenous culture. He’d ply us with candies but too late we realised they were treated to stunt our growth and keep us in our place.’

‘Groups of children were occasionally brought in for factory ‘tours’, and we would be forced to torture them for his amusement, forcing them up pipes, attacking them with specially-trained squirrels, and shrinking them to a tiny size. He saw them as an inexhaustible supply of guinea pigs for his untested products. Half of them were never seen again, and survivors kept silent by means of an enormous contract.’

Wonka was on the ‘radar’ of the authorities and once questioned by operatives from Operation Gumdrop, a group charged with investigating historic allegations of abuse by chocolatiers, following the arrest of Vulgaria’s Childcatcher, who was known to visit sweet factories to stock up on supplies of lollipops, but which has also led to arrests of rival confectioners Slugworth, Fickelgruber and Prodnose.

Today, many of the factory’s former workers are unable to talk about their experiences except through the form of jaunty rhyming couplets. One such nameless victim told us:
‘When he took us in we all thought him our savoir
But his sugar-coated words soon turned a different flavour
His candy delights make every boy and girl smile
When in truth, ritual humiliation was more his style
Our days were filled with hardship and spite
Being forced to sing and dance with no respite
His manner of rule was cruel and sadistic
With the restriction of basic human liberties its chief characteristic.
Now at last we’re no longer his slave
We’ll dance upon his candy grave.’

Categories: Fake News
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