Fake News

Trump Royal Engagement tweets revealed

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/30/2017 - 2:18am

US President Trump has now issued a series of tweets offering congratulations and observations on the royal engagement. Here they are in full:

‘Smart move by UK Prince Harry to marry the German lady Merkel. Shows true self-sacrifice. Some of these Brits would do anything to stay in Europe! Even the royal guys!’

‘Prince Harry telephoned me to say he was “probably” going to be ask me for my tiny, orange hand in marriage. I would have had to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said “probably” is no good and took a pass.’

‘Happy to help the British guys here in arranging this marriage. Because of my incredible foresight, just the best foresight, and my truly amazing greatness, America will soon have a new 100% genuine Duchess. The Duchess of Sussex. How great is that? Wow!’

‘Some Brits will find it strange, their chief Prince Barry marrying a German, given Brit history, and especially the wars we fought for them. But Angela’s between a rock and a hard place politically right now so I guess she’s clutching at straws!’

‘Hey – it turns out all the British Kings and Queens including the one named after a big London railroad station have secretly been German! Who knew?’

‘My advice to Prince Larry: You royals do great divorce stories! So keep the marriage going for a while but when the going’s good, get a new model. I got Melania online in the robot section, and let me tell you Artificial Intelligence has come a long way!’

‘Frankly the idea of meeting the Prince and Mrs Merton (can someone check her name again?) isn’t that appealing. He looks fun but I know she isn’t. I’m holding back on the UK state visit. Prince Cary, you could have married like royal arm-candy. What the hell happened?’

‘My advisors have told me I am fourth in line to the British throne. This is because I am a Scotch Lord. (Though I don’t drink Scotch – go figure!) But I told my guys I don’t intend to wait in line for the throne. When I go to Britainland, I wanna sit right down on it, like straight away!’

‘I’m locked and loaded on the first tee to give Miss Markle away next Spring. Come on you protocol guys, it’s my Constitutional Right’.

 

NickB, ChipChase, dominic_mcg 

Categories: Fake News

Salads to feature ‘extra cold sore’ in the run up to Xmas

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/30/2017 - 2:00am

Restaurateurs and microbiologists are bracing themselves for a seasonal fusion between the nation’s least imaginative side-dish and its most virulent side-blister.  This heady mixture leads to an unsightly phenomenon that can linger on the upper lip if not treated properly by dabbing with a McDonald’s serviette, TCP and discreet spitting.

One epidemiologist said: ‘We’ve seen a huge influx of Scandinavian pickled salad coming into contact with boiled British herpes.  For example when Darren Smythe (16) and Julie Smethers (17), both employed at the South Basildon ‘drive thru’, got bored with slicing and dicing and started snogging around the back.  Their coleslaw developed into heavy petting in the cold store, which in turn became an irritating cold sore’.

‘When you’re under the weather, coleslaw just adds to the suffering.  It happens when a brassica oleracea or cabbage comes into contact with tiny fragments of daucus carota (the common carrot) invisible to the naked eye.  A curious, pus like substance is secreted, which was first discovered by Dr. Lilian Hellman.  And the best way of avoiding it is to have a proper salad; including lettuce, tomato and even cucumberbatch’.

Darren later reported to being under the weather, while Julie later found herself under store manager Barry Smith (31) who later explained his late working patterns to his wife, Brenda.  Although outbreaks have concentrated on Basildon, the cold sore offer has been seen as far afield as Romford, Harlow, Billericay, some parts of Dagenham and even east Chelmsford*.  NHS chief Dr Vera Smeaton advised there is no danger of genital warts, whose popularity is limited by distribution method.  Colchester based Ms Smeaton explained ‘The only way is sex.’

*Participating slaws only

CulchaVulcha

Categories: Fake News

1970s comedians hail relaxation of Viagra sales as lifeline to flaccid careers

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/29/2017 - 3:55pm

A group of 1970s comedians has welcomed news that Viagra will soon be available over the counter without prescription, saying that it will give their drooping careers a new lease of life and enable them to be cutting-edge, relevant and part of the comedy zeitgeist once more.

Speaking from his home Jim Bowen said: ‘This is super, smashing, great. Now that Viagra is in the news it will allow me to get right back up again. Eh?..Eh?  Did you hear the one about the man who took two Viagra tablets? He tripped over the dog and pole vaulted out the bedroom window!

Curly-permed Liverpudlian, Stan Boardman, who until recently has been eking out a meagre existence by doing after dinner speaking engagements in golf clubs agreed. ‘Me and the other lads will be able to toss our hat into the ring for some big parts, now, if you know what I mean. It’ll still be hard. Now in addition to my one signature ‘Da Jayminz’ hilarious gag, I can be topical again with lines like ‘Why couldn’t they get the dead man’s coffin lid shut? Because he overdosed on Viagra.”

Other stars of hit show The Comedians were also said to be looking forward to being able to report on unlikely pharmacy scenarios where customers could talk about the first thing that comes up, as well as commentating on the Viagra addict who was said to be pleased that he could get it over the counter.

‘On a serious note though, there’ll still need to stiff regulation’, warned Bowen sagely. ‘Otherwise pop-up Viagra sellers will become a real bone of contention for pharmacies’.

ChipChase, Hat-Tips to ChrisF, DavidH, Smart Alex, dominic_mcg, Titus, Susie Pink, Squudge

Categories: Fake News

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle ‘still engaged’ reveals Daily Mail

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/29/2017 - 7:00am

Two days on from the official announcement, the Daily Mail has officially confirmed that Prince Harry and American actress Meghan Markle are still engaged and still planning to get married in May. The front page confirmed that the 36-year-old actress had failed to storm out of Kensington Palace at 3am in tears shunning reporters and shielding her eyes from the paparazzi.

The shocking exclusive follows hot on the heels of yesterday’s front page exclusive that the couple were said to be greatly looking forward to the honeymoon due to take place somewhere or other shortly afterwards. The Mail apparently beat both The Telegraph and The Daily Express to this latest revelation. ‘We too had received a tip-off that the wedding was still on’, admitted Thaddeus Gormley, the Telegraph’s Royal Correspondent. ‘However we were still desperately trying to confirm the story with our sources as we went to press.’

‘Frankly, in the search for royal exclusives, we have been utterly trounced by the Mail,’ added a dejected-looking Mr Gormley.  ‘They beat us to it with news that the engagement ring is worth £50,000 or possibly £199,475. They were first with news that the bride-to-be is ‘a bit modern’ by royal standards. And they left us all in the starting blocks with the revelation that Diana, Princess of Wales would probably have really liked Ms Markle. Now with this morning’s exclusive… it’s as good as game over for the other royal correspondents on the block.’

The Mail is remaining tight-lipped about any forthcoming revelations. However, rumours are circulating within Fleet Street that a series of no photographs have been leaked to the paper. These non-existent pictures are said not to show Ms Markle in compromising positions with high ranking Saudi officials, suggesting that the wedding is unlikely be cancelled in a blaze of negative publicity for the Palace

‘If that one’s true, they’ll pull off the scoop of the decade, speculated Alan Frankl, Times correspondent for royals lower than fourth and higher than sixtieth in line for the throne. ‘Let’s hope for their sakes their sources are right about this one!’

 

Categories: Fake News

Theresa May edges towards first disaster free week

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/29/2017 - 4:00am

Haunted trouser suit, Theresa May, has taken the unusual step of physically restraining her entire cabinet as the government inches ever closer to its first calamity free seven days since the general election.

‘Global news knows its place, and as tradition dictates it has ground itself to a complete standstill so journalists can slaver and brown-nose over the royal engagement’, noted one political correspondent today. ‘There is literally nothing else happening – anywhere. The whole world is talking wedding dresses, paternity tests and laying bets on which bridesmaids arse is going to have tabloid editors reaching for the Kleenex.’

‘Of course all this is a positive boon for Britain’s first see-through Prime Minister who has reigned over a perpetual sh*tstorm of a clusterf**k from the very second she took office’, continued the correspondent. ‘All she has to do now is keep a steady line and steer her troops towards the weekend without one of them claiming nobody is unemployed or being photographed snogging Benjamin Netanyahu in a paddling pool full of Marmite.’

‘Mrs May cannot take any chances and so has taken the bold step of chaining and gagging her entire cabinet until the weekend’, revealed a government insider.  ‘They will be locked away in a secret bunker at Farmer Teds Adventure Farm near Formby. All except Boris Johnson who has had bacon sellotaped inside his underpants and been shoved in a broom cupboard with a doberman pinscher. He’ll be quite happy in there for a few days.’

Webbo

Categories: Fake News

Royal engagement marred by media focus on ‘colour’

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/28/2017 - 3:55pm

The UK Commission for Racial Equality has today raised concerns regarding yesterday’s media coverage of the latest royal engagement, citing excessive references to ‘inter-racial’ marriage.

Channel4 news came under the heaviest criticism after lining up an array People of Ginger and interviewing them about their view of the match. One young lady, self-identifying as having auburn hair, brimmed with optimism, ‘Until now, I never thought the royal family really represented my life. But now one of them is ginger, so the babies will be gingers too.’ BBC News and CNN were equally criticised for ‘Gingexploitation’, blatantly stopping and searching carrot-tops for their opinions.

Finola Barfoot, an ardent fan of the American actress, Meghan Markle, summed up public feeling yesterday. ‘I just saw a wealthy and relatively good-looking but otherwise ordinary young couple in love, until I heard all the disappointing and discriminatory references to his Titian-gold follicles. Most viewers probably hadn’t given much thought to the fact that Meghan was introducing a royal to her family bloodline. But did they have to make such a bloody issue of the fact that he is a red-head?’

Prince Philip has yet to issue a gaffe on the matter. However, one thing everyone agrees as that marrying a ginger royal will usher in a new era in the life of an American divorcee, and that she may still have normal-looking aristocratic children.

Categories: Fake News

Is space the final frontier for Katie Hopkins?

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/28/2017 - 7:00am

Former Apprentice quitter and right nasty piece of work, Katie Hopkins, is preparing to unveil her next move following the termination of her contract as a columnist for The Mail Online.

Sources close to the controversial rent-a-gob confirm that recently she’s had several meetings with conspiracy theorist and total barmpot, David Icke, and it’s now widely believed that the pair intend to declare themselves the joint leaders of a new cult.

Once this has been established then together they will pilot a spaceship that Icke has been building in his potting shed, fly to Mars and become twin godheads living in a glacial fortress of solitude, a bit like Superman does, where they will teach Martians salsa dancing, advanced xenophobia, bonkers conspiracy theory and basket weaving.

Meanwhile as her Twitter account has been deleted, President Trump is believed to have offered Hopkins a job managing his own social media output. He told Fox News: ‘Katie’s a real feisty lady, just the feistiest. And as she’s gonna be on Mars partnering this David Icke guy, then we’ll be able to keep a tight lid on the whole shapeshifting reptilian extra-terrestrial thing.’

ChipChase

Categories: Fake News

Brexit And Northern Ireland – a handy guide to who’s who and what’s what

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/28/2017 - 5:34am

What is the Irish border?

The Irish border was the splitting of Ireland by the British government in 1922 designed to try and stop political violence over the issue of Irish independence. This was wholly successful, if you don’t count the last 95 years of subsequent political violence over the issue of Irish independence.

Who are the main players in the current situation?

The British and Irish governments, the EU negotiating team and nationalists and unionists in Ireland.

What role does the camp Justin Trudeau impersonator have in all this?

I think that is probably Leo Varadkar, the Irish Taoiseach.

Oh, okay. So, the unionists in Ireland are presumably the ones who support the European Union then?

No, the unionists hate the European Union and the EEA as they say they oppose being told what to do by an unelected person from a foreign country. They also vehemently insist that they should be ruled over by an English/German monarch.

So they want nothing to do with EU or the EEA?

Yes……..well, apart from having unfettered access to the EU and the EEA by demanding that there be no noticeable border in Ireland, even though their only policy for the last century has been to make the border more noticeable. They also now say that there needs to be free movement of trade and people across this border.

Sort of like being in the EU and the EEA then?

Yes, but presumably in a much more British way.

What do the nationalists want?

The nationalists want to hand over their country’s political sovereignty to unelected foreigners, despite having fought against being ruled by unelected foreigners since approximately 1169AD.

Do most Irish people get the irony of all this?

Nope.

Do a slim majority (51.9%) of British people get the irony of their desire for political independence being scuppered by their preventing the political independence of another country for the last 800 years?

I doubt it.

What has happened to the Northern Ireland assembly?

Jesus, just don’t ask about that fecking thing, all right.

jamsieoconner, Hat-Tip to A.L. Shaw

Categories: Fake News

English cricketers to resit first test. More soon

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/28/2017 - 5:19am

DavidH

Categories: Fake News

Dad dismisses sell-by dates as ‘superstitious nonsense’

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/28/2017 - 4:00am

A dad has dismissed sell-by dates as ‘superstitious nonsense’ after buying his family’s entire weekly shop from the reduced aisle at his local supermarket.

‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with luncheon meat, macaroni cheese and pineapple chunks that are a day or two past their so-called sell-by date’, insisted Nev Burke, a 43 year-old welder from Hull.

‘Believing in sell-by dates is as irrational as carrying a rabbit’s foot, not walking under a ladder or making travel arrangements using a Southern Rail timetable’, continued Burke.

Mr Burke did admit, however, that there are some dangers involved with purchasing cut-price groceries. ‘There’s only one scientifically proven health risk associated with buying food from the reduced aisle; getting a life-threatening injury from another bargain hunter’, he noted. 

‘Unfortunately, these days, prices aren’t the only things getting slashed’, explained the father of two. ‘Basically, thriftiness has become a vicious, cruel blood sport. It’s my generation’s Tinder.;

‘It’s only a matter of time before the ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’  is someone’s vital organs he added.

ItsMeJack

Categories: Fake News

‘Children in Need’ cash to fund Palace makeover

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/28/2017 - 2:00am

Organisers of the Children in Need charity say the cash from this week’s record breaking fundraiser will be used to help upgrade a crèche at Buckingham Palace. BBC chiefs say the £46.6m will be used to improve facilities at a Palace playroom once visited by Prince George. Presenter Tess Daly said donating the £46.6m to the Royal household in their time of need was exactly the right thing to do and would go some way to help pay for the multi-million pound makeover.

Palace officials confirmed the crèche has had nothing spent on it since a £23m upgrade in 2009. ‘Prince George once played in it for nearly an hour’ purred Royal advisor Damian Dalrymple. ‘He used one of the butlers to fill in a colouring book for him which as you can imagine took its toll on the neoclassical decor.  There’s no doubt the Byzantine architraves and columns are due a much needed lick of gold leaf after all that wear and tear’.

Fund raiser Debbie Poulter from Carswell Primary School in Buxton had hoped the money she raised would be spent providing fresh drinking water for children in a village in Mali. ‘The children have to walk six hours everyday to fill jugs from a well, then walk six hours back. But I guess if Prince George ever needs to play in the crèche again then it needs to look its very best. You wouldn’t expect one of the Royals to play in a room where bits of mosaic are hanging loose from the pilasters or baldachins.
‘That’s what this charity is for…. helping children in need’ added Tess…it’s what Sir Terry would have wanted.’

Categories: Fake News

Mount Agung erupts in anger over Prince Harry engagement

News Biscuit - Mon, 11/27/2017 - 3:55pm

A slumbering Balinese Fire Goddess has taken exception to proposed nuptials between Meghan Markle and the “ginger hotty” from House of Windsor. So aggrieved is this green-eyed deity, that 100,000 people have been evacuated from around Mount Agung, with the threat of a volcanic eruption and tantrums on Facebook.

One Geologist described the explosions as extensive, violent and “very jealous”. While seismologists say they have not seen a hissy fit on this scale since Taylor Swift dumped Thor.

A High Priestess explained: “We refute the claim that the Goddess has been throwing rocks, debris and her toys out her pram. The rivers of lava are just a public display of affection. Its harmless sulphur dioxide and billowing ash. And has nothing to do with the fact that Harry is not replying to her texts”.

Harry is fifth in line to the throne, but could move up a couple of rungs if locals are forced to appease the Goddess with a virgin sacrifice. Worryingly there are 130 active volcanoes around Indonesia but not enough eligible Princes; forcing many deities to rub tectonic plates together with dating Apps like Grindr.

Categories: Fake News

Minister calls for a total ban on Morris dancing in public places

News Biscuit - Mon, 11/27/2017 - 7:00am

The Department of Media Culture and Sport is seeking to table a bill that will see Morris Dancing totally banned from beer gardens, village greens and country fairs, following a survey showing it is having a detrimental affect on Britain’s tourist trade.

John Usher, a regular customer at The Six Bells pub in Berkshire agrees. ‘Having a bunch of beardy, malodorous and overweight men arseing around outside, playing diddly-diddly music, wearing smocks and bells should never be allowed under any circumstances. Why can’t they take up train spotting or something more worthy?’

But the ancient art was stoutly defended by its society’s National President, Charlie “Caper-Caper”  Clarke, who told Mariella Fostrup: “Well I don’t roightly know. There’s plenty o’ them as likes Morris, me little darlin’. Now tell me what could be better of a lovely sunny Summer’s evenin’ than six blokes all a-leapin’ about, drinking beer and a-fartin and a-burpin in the faces of tourists? Absolutely fabaluss I’d say, me pretty!”

However it’s understood that if the ban becomes law then the government’s next target on its dancing hit list will be Bruno Tonioli.

Chipchase

Categories: Fake News

Plans for Northern Powerhouse rocked by discovery of Midlands

News Biscuit - Mon, 11/27/2017 - 4:00am

Over the past few years Her Majesty’s Government has worked tirelessly to stave off a full scale rebellion by repeating the phrase “Northern Powerhouse” at people who say tut instead of the. Now their carefully laid plans appear to have been undermined by an office intern.

Last Tuesday, Candice Reilly, 19, had her pert buttocks playfully slapped by a fifty-five year old civil servant as she was bent over shoveling Universal Credit claims into a furnace. Her response has shaken Westminster to its very foundations: “Do yow moind?”

After calling in MI5 it was confirmed that Candice was indeed speaking a form of English from a hitherto undiscovered place called Smethwick, found neither in the south or that grubby northern bit, but somewhere in the middle. The – if you will – Midlands.

A government spokesperson said, “It would appear upon closer inspection that there is a whole other part of the country we simply knew nothing about, and what’s more, one would need to traverse this ‘Mid-Lands’ should one ever wish to reach the north. Until now Derby was a horse race and I was at prep school with Sheepy Magna, but it turns out they’re both place names in this middle bit. They’ve even got something called Lester but you spell it with all I’s and C’s!”

One insider told us, “We couldn’t believe it. I suppose they’ll want a devolved government or some bollocks next. Anyway, we’ll keep ’em quiet, plans for the Midlands Fanbelt will be announced next week,” before adding “Don’t suppose you’ve got any porn on you? We’re not allowed it in there now.”

Webbo

Categories: Fake News
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