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To counterbalance the crime of ‘hate speech’, Her Majesty the Queen has asked parliament to enact a Bill criminalising ‘Love Speech’ after Pastor Curry mentioned the word 978 times a minute during Harry and Meghan’s wedding. If the law is passed those guilty of ‘Love Speech’ will be punished by having to listen to old recordings of Katie Hopkins’ radio show.

Senior members of the Royal Family are still seething at having to listen to 13 minutes of love-filled invective. ‘We weren’t ready for such a love-ful diatribe,’ said one unnamed royal. ‘One minute we’re sitting there, happily nodding off to the Archbishop boring us to the death, the next minute some black American chap has sprung up out of nowhere and starts babbling on about…love! I thought it was completely inappropriate – at a wedding of all places!’

Zara Phillips was even more scathing. ‘I was about to order Mike to run up there and rugby tackle the bastard. Then I thought, no, better save that for later in case Elton John gets anywhere near a piano. But I mean dear lord, what was the man thinking? This is the Royal Motherfucking Family for fuck’s sake not some Southern Baptist Church full of happy-clappy nut-bags.’

‘I mean, I know hate preachers are thoroughly bad chaps, but bloody hell – 3 minutes into that nonsense and I was starting to think where’s bloody Abu Qatada when you need him. At least he wouldn’t have rambled on about fire-powered jet-planes, some complete wanker called Martin Luther King, and some other hippy-sounding love-bandit called Jesus.’

Social network's boss will meet the EU and explain how the data of users ended up in the hands of a consultancy.

Summit with North Korean leader under threat unless Pyongyang meets 'certain conditions', US president says.

Emmanuel Macron, who plans to cut 120,000 public sector jobs, is on a collision course with France's trade unions.

Venezuelan president expels top US diplomat after Washington imposes new sanctions over disputed presidential election.

Nabih Berri, holding the position of assembly speaker since 1992, is widely expected to be reappointed in first session.

Analysts say Tehran needs tangible guarantees from Europe to protect businesses from being hit by American sanctions.

The US makes 12 sweeping demands of Iran and warns against 'the strongest sanctions in history'.

The activists, mostly women who advocated for equal rights and driving, were smeared by state-linked media as traitors.

Rights group says Rohingya rebels killed as many as 99 Hindu villagers in one day in August last year.

Amid South China Sea dispute, President Rodrigo Duterte balks at pushing back after landmark maritime rights ruling.

Many doubt vow of populist parties in new coalition government to restore rights of working class Italians.

More than 30 alleged drug dealers killed in the past week in 'shootouts' with police amid rights activists' warnings.

No vaccine available for deadly infection carried by fruit bats, as 12 tested positive in southern state of Kerala.

Mustafa Ali, a Muslim wrestler of Pakistani descent, says his religion and culture are incidental to his success.

Afghan forces accidentally detonate explosives in southern city of Kandahar, killing 16 and wounding 38 others.

Yevgeny Roizman announces resignation, criticising the abolition of direct elections as a blow to democracy.

Thousands of residents displaced after at least 3,000 homes, businesses and farms were destroyed, rights group says.

In a first, Palestinian leadership submits referral to International Criminal Court to investigate 'Israeli crimes'.

Condemnation follows Washington's new demands over Tehran's nuclear programme.