Fake News

We’re just helping Mugabe find his keys, says army

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/16/2017 - 7:00am

The Zimbabwe army has denied that it has carried out a coup and placed Robert Mugabe under house arrest.  ‘No, no, no, that is not true,’ a general told state media.  ‘President Mugabe cannot leave his house as he has lost his keys and wouldn’t be able to get back in.  All the troops and tanks you see out on the street are just looking for his keys.’

Until President Mugabe finds his keys and is able to leave his house the army will carry out some errands for him, such as getting in some milk, collecting his pension and running the country.  Reports that his wife has fled to a WI meeting in Namibia with the keys in her handbag have not yet been confirmed.  Nor have suggestions the keys slipped down the back of former vice-president Emmerson Mnangagwa’s sofa when President Mugabe went to round his place to sack him last week.

The streets of Zimbabwe’s capital Harare have remained relatively calm with most citizens seeming to accept that at 93 President Mugabe is quite likely to lose things such as his keys or 37 years of power.

 

StanleyMizaru

Categories: Fake News

Russia strongly criticises Corbyn’s future acceptance speech

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/16/2017 - 4:00am

‘How can a man set to increase his majority in Islington North by 4242 votes – including 789 proxies – think we care about British so-called-free elections?’ said a Kremlin spokesman. ‘Mr Corbyn should concentrate on what he does best; whistling the Internationale every time he poos, and reading the Daily Express in the cupboard under the stairs where he thinks no-one can see him.’

The Kremlin also denied all knowledge of the surprise Belgian Christmas number one (a military march from St Petersburg), the winning ticket of the Sutton Grammar School Christmas Raffle (belongs to one ‘V Putin’), and the Great British Bake Off 2018 announcement (to be won by someone called Natasha who only speaks Russian, wears a wig and cites bare-chested horse riding as ‘her’ hobby).

The draft speech, kept under Mr Corbyn’s bed in a red Huntley & Palmer’s biscuit tin, is thought to contain the phrase ‘at least we won fair and square, not like Donald Trump’.  ‘It’s ridiculous to suggest we mess with everything,’ said the spokesman, ‘you Brits are quite capable of screwing things up yourselves.  Besides, Agent Leith works for the Americans since she swapped sides’.

Categories: Fake News

Home Office to phase out full-facial passport photos for gimps

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/16/2017 - 2:00am

The Home Office is to waive the rule which insists on a full-facial photograph where the applicant is a leather-clad sex slave habitually used to peering through a mask. The proposed moves follows pressure from the Liberal Democrats who claim it is necessary to avoid problems encountered by people who are chained to a leash 24/7 and are only able to breathe through a narrow opening.

Currently everybody with a passport must identify themselves as either male or female on the document.  But the Home Office has begun a consultation on changing the system to allow a category for the small minority of people who are unable to tick either box because they are only allowed out of a dungeon for short intervals.

The new ruling will insist only that the photos be in colour, against a plain background, and that the leather outfit and face-mask are the most recently worn. The leash must be fully visible at all times. Gimps and associated sex dwarves should also be facing forward, staring directly at camera through the narrow eye slots and must not be urinated on while the photograph is taken.

Although the lack of a golden shower may enrage some enthusiasts, it is thought essential to avoid problems such as lens flare.  Lib Dem Home Office Minister Lynne Featherstone said ‘This new approach to passport processing uses cutting-edge biometric iris recognition technology so we cannot overstate the need for gimps to keep their eyes wide open and face the camera no matter how much pain and degradation they are currently experiencing. ‘

‘You’ll still need to get Section 10 countersigned by your gimp-master or dominatrix who must confirm that you are fully resident within the UK and are in a consensual sub-dom relationship with them.’

‘We hope these new guidelines will dispense with the requirement for gimps to remove their restrictive head gear when passing through immigration controls. ’Last night Nigel Farndon, a full-time gimp from Solihull, gave a guarded welcome to the ruling. ‘Having to remove the leather mask at customs checks was an infringement of my fundamental human rights which I found extremely humiliating.  It was sheer ecstasy.’

Categories: Fake News

Newsbiscuit’s Guide to Zimbabwe

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/16/2017 - 1:00am
  • Zimbabwe derives its name from an attempt to cheat at Scrabble by Cecil Rhodes.
  • Zimbabwe recently won the international irony championship after placing the president under house arrest, then getting a man wearing military fatigues to announce that this wasn’t a coup.
  • If you flip Zimbabwe around on the map, it looks a bit like Anglesey, which is appropriate because it cuts down an area of farmland the size of Wales every week. Probably.
  • The odds against Rhodesia being discovered by someone who just happened to be called Rhodes are nearly three million to one.
  • Robert Mugabe can sing all the songs from ‘Legally Blonde the Musical’
  • Poaching is a problem, most Zimbabweans opt to scramble.
  • There are 147 official languages including: zcouse, Manq, Broom’i and Kokni
  • In literary circles Mr. Mugabe’s toothbrush moustache is called ‘foreshadowing’
  • Pamela Stevenson is delighted as she can now revive her Not the Nine O’clock News impersonations of Angela Rippon talking about Robert Moo-ga-bay and Joshua Enn-Kohmo.
  • When Zimbabwean men want to complement their girlfriends on their appearance, they say ‘Darling, you look a trillion dollars’
  • Mr. Mugabe tried to sort out the economy by making inflation illegal (fakenews).
  • Subsequently he tried to end corruption and (in particular) bribery, by rendering his country’s currency completely valueless. This has not been noticeably successful.
  • The national musical instrument, the mbira, is also known as ‘the thumb piano’. Oh grow up…
  • Zimbabwe is even lower than Scotland in the FIFA World Rankings
  • Victoria Falls is actually a (yet to be repaired) plumbing disaster
  • Zimbabwe’s major exports are ‘bad news’ and ’empty shell cases’
  • Zimbabwe set to become China’s 24th Province ‘Zimbabwai’

(hattips DavidH, Oxbridge, Sinnick, Smart Alex, Midfield Diamond, Chipchase, Titus & Dick Everyman)

 

Categories: Fake News

Nelson’s Column converted into flats

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/15/2017 - 3:55pm

Nelson’s Column has been converted into 30 affordable dwellings, with generous views and near-standing room for all but the average in height.  The iconic structure has stood for over 200 years; held together by pigeon shit and a rabid dislike of the French.

The 169 ft building has been infamously under-developed, with most of be structure wasted on supporting just one resident.  But thanks to some vertical boring and the world’s narrowest lift, 30 families will be able to stoop in luxury inside the generous 5’7″ high executive apartments.

Parking is limited and ablutions are of the ‘do it in the fountains at night’ variety.  The vertical tubular housing solution also has other innovative features.  ‘If you live at the top, obviously everyone else will have to go out first to make room for your descent’ explained the architect. ‘But what do you bloody expect for 800 grand?’

Simon Travis is hopeful the new development will mean that at 63, he can finally move out of his parents home.  ‘It’s time to leave the nest and settle down with my girlfriend. She’s really excited. It’s been very cramped sharing a Victorian postbox with both my parents and three siblings. But this will be the very definition of high-rise living’.

Newscat

Categories: Fake News

Man banned from local gym after failing to urinate in shower

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/15/2017 - 7:00am

A Doncaster man has been banned from his local gym after it was found that he had been regularly having a post-workout shower without taking a piss at the same time.  The offence was spotted by the male changing room cleaner, who noted that the shower tray remained a pristine white colour after Peter Smith, 24, emerged at 630pm each evening, rather than having the more typical light yellow film around the edges.

‘I’ve been under a lot of pressure recently, and in my rush to free up the shower for other users at a busy time of day, I forgot basic changing room etiquette’, argued Smith in his defence.  ‘With a bit more time, I would have undoubtedly turned towards the wall, lathered up some extra shower gel to hide the flow of urine, and enjoy the sensation of warm piss on leg, but hindsight is a wonderful thing’.

‘Filthy b*stard’, said a naked man in the male changing rooms today, as he walked from the showers back to his changing spot, towel round his neck, dripping absolutely everywhere.  ‘It’s people like that who ruin this place for everyone else.  Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to absent-mindedly tug at my penis whilst standing about three inches away from you, before doing that thing where I dry my undercarriage by putting one leg on the bench and then start that two-handed sawing motion from front to back with the towel’.

Categories: Fake News

Flat Earth Society now ‘a truly Global organisation’

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/15/2017 - 4:00am

Fred Helm, Chairman of the Flat Earth Society, has announced that the venerable society has gone ‘truly global – we’ve got branches all around the globe,’ he said today. Flat Earthers believe that the planet is a disc, not a sphere, that the Earth doesn’t revolve around the sun and that Donald Trump is for real.

‘We are so popular now, we quite literally are communicating with colleagues on the other side of the, er, planet,’ he added, before going outside and shooting himself.

Categories: Fake News

Boxing club defends cot-fighting event

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/15/2017 - 2:00am

A sports club in Preston which charged adults £25 a ticket to watch a fight between two 18-month-old boys has denied that the toddlers in question were being exploited.

The controversial cot-fight between Tommy ‘Rusk-crusher’ Jones and Benny ‘Bedwetter’ Benson was eventually stopped in the third round because it was time for the challenger’s afternoon nap. Club owner Barry Hardwick defended the contest, saying ‘No one forces these toddlers to fight – all we do is put one really nice toy in the cot; after that, it’s up to them what they get up to.’

When it was pointed out that Tommy was crying loudly throughout the bout, Mr Hardwick said, ‘Well they do that, don’t they?’ He also defended the lack of gum shields on the grounds that ‘they haven’t got many teeth yet and they’re going to fall out in a few years anyway.’ He also pointed out the extensive padding worn by the youngsters, all be it mainly in the nappy area.

Defenders of the event point to the educational and health benefits of cot fighting. ‘Toddler boxing is a noble and ancient sport and gives the under-twos a regulated outlet for their aggression,’ said Hardwick. ‘If they weren’t knocking each other unconscious these youngsters might be out rioting or mugging or something. Now that can wait until they start nursery school.’

The two toddlers were unavailable for comment, as it was way past their bedtime. However, Benson’s manager told the press, ‘My boy Benny is hoping to grow up and become a cage-fighter by the time he’s four,’ adding, ‘Just as long as no one forces him to marry Jordan. Now that would be cruel.’

Categories: Fake News

Geldof returns Order of the Bath (unused). More soon.

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/15/2017 - 12:35am

cinquecento

Categories: Fake News

‘Shark tried to grope me’ claims Brit surfer

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/14/2017 - 3:55pm

A UK surfer says he was forced to punch a shark in the face after it tried to grope him.

Stephen Cadbury, a dentist from London was surfing at Bronte Beach near Sydney when the alleged incident took place.  Mr. Cadbury said everything appeared quite normal at first, the mood was light, the two were laughing and joking, enjoying the surf.  ‘The shark was a little flirtatious but nothing to suggest he was a potential predator.  He even commented on my swimming briefs saying they made me look like a Bond girl’ said Cadbury.

But after a few minutes the mood changed, the shark started making lewd remarks, touching the surfers breasts with one of its penises.  ‘Then, following a break in the waves, it made a lunge for my genitals and I realised I was in trouble.  So I slapped the shark across the face and told him in my best Lady Bracknell voice that I would be reporting him to the Australian Coast Guard patrol as soon as I made shore’.

Mr. Cadbury said the shark then backed off, laughing nervously and claiming it was only having a ‘bit of fun’.  The Australian Coast Guard said allegations such as this were taken very seriously and a full investigation would take place.   There have been 18 reported incidents of sharks approaching surfers so far this year.  ‘They have all taken place at sea where sharks tend to live’ said Jed Baker of the ACG.  ‘It could just be a coincidence but its a lead we will certainly be investigating’.

With its razor sharp teeth, grey palid skin and cold, dead eyes the dentist moved to Australia two years ago to take up a post at Sydney Hospital, local media reported.

Categories: Fake News

Daesh claim responsibility for Iran/Iraq earthquake

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/14/2017 - 7:00am

‘The instructions for how to make an Earthquake were on our website’ claimed a spokesman for the jihadist terror organisation. Google, Facebook and Twitter have all stated that ‘as a matter of the very greatest urgency,’ they will, over the next six months or so, gradually begin to instigate measures to prevent (or at least, very much slow down) the dissemination of information which might enable ordinary, non-technical, would-be jihadists to build their own Earthquakes in the privacy of their own homes, using everyday household items.

‘Oh, bugger.’ a Daesh official spokesman subsequently said in an official press release.  ‘We’ll be f$cked then – no more Earthquakes’.

 

Titus

Categories: Fake News
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