Fake News

Grime is shite claims new report

News Biscuit - Sat, 10/13/2018 - 3:00am

It has emerged today that Grime Music is pure shite according to a report commissioned on behalf of the BPI.

Author of the study, Professor Darius Morgan, from the Royal College of Music said: ‘When asked to undertake this project I had major reservations about my preconceptions on this genre. I had more than an inkling that perhaps Grime was shite but I wanted to be dispassionate and totally professional in my assessment as part of the evaluation process. It was imperative that I did so to ensure a fair conclusion.’

‘But in the event I needn’t have worried because after undertaking the research it turned out that I was completely correct. We found without any shadow of a doubt incontrovertible evidence proving Grime is definitely pure, and what is more, utter utter utter shite.’

The Met Police’s senior officers have welcomed the report’s findings arguing the music has criminal undertones, as the message often contained within the lyrics is disturbing and encourages crimes of drug abuse and extreme violence creating major problems in many areas of the Capital. One high ranking office stating: ‘We need to be tough on Grime, tough on the causes of Grime.’

Calls are now coming from many quarters for a curb of the genre on YouTube and other social media platforms where it can be freely listened to.

But Grime ‘musicians’, Bastard Crew, have been quick to hit back. ‘That shite jibe is shit, know what I’m saying,’ says their leader, trainee accountant David Potter from Watford. ‘This professor and the cops know Jack about our music, man. And as for it being a crime in itself, have they never heard Olly Murs?’

hat-tip Titus

Categories: Fake News

Back to the Future prequel ‘to be made retrospectively’

News Biscuit - Sat, 10/13/2018 - 1:00am

25 years after the hit movie, Back to the Future, scientists at CERN have discovered time travellers from the real future have already made a prequel to the film, which was secretly released ten years before the 1989 original, but vanished, due to its own illogicality.

Experimental physicist Professor Mike Smythe commented: ‘Back to the Future – 0’ directed by the yet to be born Phyllis Smithers, features some amazing predictions, many of which have or will come true, including ‘cordless’ phones, frozen food, Gareth Bale and Shake n Vac.  One key prediction will be and was that a quite unremarkable film from 1989 would enjoy an undeserved revival, so that crap hacks can bang on about hoverboards, Deloreans and the Smash potato advert, when they should be writing about the real future which will be the end of humanity due to war and climate change and is predicted to happen just after the next Bond movie but one.’

Professor Smythe continued: ‘What these movies show without doubt is that time is not, as we have always considered it, a continuum of events measured by mechanical devices and dictated by planetary functions.  It’s more of an invisible blue substance with a texture like egg custard, in the shape of a Mobius doughnut, some of it as big as a double decker bus.’

Meanwhile Bill Murray, the star of hit movie Groundnut Day has announced a new version of the film in which an allergic TV reporter is forced to vomit again and again until he appears to die a tragic death.  Then he wakes up, accidentally eats peanuts and the same thing happens. The new film will be identical to the original except everyone will look older.

Categories: Fake News

GPs to be replaced by vending machines

News Biscuit - Fri, 10/12/2018 - 2:55pm

For as little as 20p patients will soon be able to shove their head, limb, or genitals into a hole and have a vending machine assess a range of medical conditions.

In a bold move to address the crisis in GP services, the government has announced a multi-million pound investment in diagnostic vending machines. ‘Kwik-Sick’ machines will be placed in workplace canteens and train stations across the UK.

Modelled on popular coffee and snack vendors, the new machines will have a series of holes into which customers can stick a body part for an instant diagnosis of flu, piles, or brain tumour. Holes will come in a range of sizes and will be set at different heights to accommodate a diverse patient population. Having stuck your body part into a hole the vending machine will then print out a diagnosis. If the machine fails to print out, it will need to be kicked and thumped repeatedly.

The government believes Kwik-Sick is a cost-effective alternative to GPs because each one contains an underpaid and poorly trained ‘diagnostic advisor’ who crouches inside and examines body parts as they are poked through. In a further innovation, prospective patients will first need to input their basic details into a gatekeeping vending machine which will announce that  ‘The GP vending machine will allow you to access it next Thursday week at 9:30am.’.

GPs have reacted in a typically Luddite fashion and condemned the new service outright. They point out that children with saucepans stuck on their heads could receive electric shocks. However, the Health Minister has expressed his full confidence in the new technology and its preferred supplier, Bodyparts International Plc.

Myke, Hat-tip Titus

Categories: Fake News

Soyuz Salisbury trip cancelled

News Biscuit - Fri, 10/12/2018 - 7:05am

Guido Drapatolli

Categories: Fake News

Government appoints Minister for National Suicide Prevention

News Biscuit - Fri, 10/12/2018 - 6:00am

Theresa May has announced that some obscure MP who you really don’t need to bother looking up is to be its first Minister for National Suicide Prevention. The appointment was revealed to coincide with World Mental Health Day, which everyone agreed was really quite appropriate in a country that is apparently determined to kill itself.

‘National suicide is a growing problem,’ said Mrs May. ‘In 2016, no fewer than 17.8 million British people decided they wanted to take their own country’s life. We want to bring an end the stigma that has forced so many people to suffer in silence – well all right, not silence. National suicide doesn’t just affect the people involved directly, it affects everyone, especially their grandchildren.’

According to campaigners, the national suicide problem has grown out of control, particularly among the elderly and others who ‘don’t like darkies’. Many British people are now irrationally determined to bring the UK’s life to an end for no better reason than the colour of a passport they will be unable to afford to use or the chance to eat spam fritters like they would have done in the war, if they had been born ten years earlier.

‘We are determined to bring the rate of national suicide down,’ added Mrs May. ‘That’s why I am tasking [insert name here] to head this new department. Plus, with the Brexit dividend we can add to our budget next year, I anticipate being able to offer the Samaritans a further £10 million to continue their … why are you all looking at me like that?’

Dismissing the announcement as ‘a cheap political stunt’, Labour’s Chuka Umunna said: ‘It’s not a Minister for National Suicide Prevention we need, it’s a proper strategy to tackle Career Suicide. Like the kind we committed when we elected Corbyn leader, for example.’

Categories: Fake News

Great British Menu slammed ‘pretentious’ by Fire Chief

News Biscuit - Fri, 10/12/2018 - 3:00am

Fire Crews were called to the set of BBC’s most ludicrous food show to date, Great British Menu, when one dish caused a major emergency and very nearly burnt the studio to the ground.

Chef, Paul Champion, one of the finalists was recreating his heat-winning dish entitled Vesuvius Erupting in a Lake of Compassion in Gran’s Fading Mind, paying homage to the NHS and its workers, when things went badly wrong.

‘I had just sprinkled shavings of unicorn penis and testicles over the heritage irradiated wasp antennae powder,’ explains a shaken Paul, ‘then fired up the army surplus flamethrower to meld them together, before finishing the dish off in a bath of liquid hydrogen super-chilled tree bark jus.’

‘But unfortunately the thrower was set on full and a thirty-foot long flame immediately shot across the kitchen licking the back of Matthew Fort’s jacket which lit up like a Christmas tree. Luckily he managed to throw it off before he was badly burnt, but unfortunately it landed on top of a red-hot vat of sunflower oil simmering on top of my particle accelerator and the whole place went up!’

Chief Fire Officer, Reg Knaphill, who headed up the team that eventually brought the blaze under control was less than pleased when speaking to reporters. ‘What is the matter with these idiots? Can’t they just cook sausage, mash and baked beans like bloody normal people do instead of dicking about with this kind of stupid and pretentious highfalutin nonsense?’

‘I am sick of this sort of thing. It’s becoming far too frequent an occurrence and is endangering the lives of my officers. If you ask me Heston Blumenthal has a lot to answer for. Molecular Gastronomy? Molecular Gastronomy my arse!’

Categories: Fake News

Great British Menu slammed ‘pretentious’ by Fire Chief

News Biscuit - Fri, 10/12/2018 - 3:00am

Fire Crews were called to the set of BBC’s most ludicrous food show to date, Great British Menu, when one dish caused a major emergency and very nearly burnt the studio to the ground.

Chef, Paul Champion, one of the finalists was recreating his heat-winning dish entitled Vesuvius Erupting in a Lake of Compassion in Gran’s Fading Mind, paying homage to the NHS and its workers, when things went badly wrong.

‘I had just sprinkled shavings of unicorn penis and testicles over the heritage irradiated wasp antennae powder,’ explains a shaken Paul, ‘then fired up the army surplus flamethrower to meld them together, before finishing the dish off in a bath of liquid hydrogen super-chilled tree bark jus.’

‘But unfortunately the thrower was set on full and a thirty-foot long flame immediately shot across the kitchen licking the back of Matthew Fort’s jacket which lit up like a Christmas tree. Luckily he managed to throw it off before he was badly burnt, but unfortunately it landed on top of a red-hot vat of sunflower oil simmering on top of my particle accelerator and the whole place went up!’

Chief Fire Officer, Reg Knaphill, who headed up the team that eventually brought the blaze under control was less than pleased when speaking to reporters. ‘What is the matter with these idiots? Can’t they just cook sausage, mash and baked beans like bloody normal people do instead of dicking about with this kind of stupid and pretentious highfalutin nonsense?’

‘I am sick of this sort of thing. It’s becoming far too frequent an occurrence and is endangering the lives of my officers. If you ask me Heston Blumenthal has a lot to answer for. Molecular Gastronomy? Molecular Gastronomy my arse!’

Categories: Fake News

Ventnor corner shop abandons one child policy

News Biscuit - Fri, 10/12/2018 - 1:00am

The ‘only one child at a time’ policy in Smythe’s corner shop in Leeson Road has been abandoned after 30 years in place. ‘Originally our one child policy was accused of being anti human rights,’ said Derek Smythe. ‘But our prosperity rose, especially where pick and mix was concerned, as a result of decreased pilferage.’

Mr Smythe cited a downturn in global trading conditions for the change of heart: ‘China’s slowdown has resulted in a growing threat to our economy, with the international trade in bulk foodstuffs becoming ever more competitive, resulting in a need for greater footfall. We have also been struck by parking restrictions in Trinity Road, the new Tesco Metro and the unexpected cancellation by Mr Smethurst of James Crescent of his regular order of Hefty Throbbers.’

Categories: Fake News

Homeless man offers to give up doorway to help Royal couple

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/11/2018 - 2:55pm

A homeless man from Bridgnorth has said he is willing to give up his doorway for a few nights if it helps the Royal couple with their wedding plans.

52 year-old Gulf War veteran Jason Beesley said he was saddened to hear that Princess Eugenie’s wedding to Jack Brooksbank had been saddled with a paltry £2m price tag and wanted to do all he could to help.

‘They can have my doorway for a few nights. It’s not much but it’s all I’ve got’, said Jason ‘They’ve probably already made honeymoon arrangements, but if not I can move out almost straight away. It keeps the wind and rain out and it’s handy for the toilets across the road, although they do shut at 5 and unsurprisingly smell of days-old urine.’

‘I think £2m for a Royal wedding is an insult.’ continued Beesley. ‘It barely buys you an open-top horse-drawn carriage and a couple of dozen footmen these days.

‘Some people are saying her father should pay up, but is that really fair? He’s estimated to have a substantial personal fortune of his own. Well, I say ‘fortune’ but it’s only £65m, and I may be homeless but even I can work out that £2m from £65m would be quite a hammering.’

‘Do you know if they’ve got a dog?’, enquired Beesley. If they don’t want my doorway the only other thing I’ve got is this length of rope I use to tie up the dog at nights. All it needs is a bit of a clean and it will come up like new’.

Categories: Fake News

PMQs to be multiple choice and answered from a lakeside café in Italy

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/11/2018 - 7:59am

fter clashing with Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and feeling under pressure to solve self-inflicted political problems, Prime Minister Theresa May has decided that from now on PMQs will be in a multiple choice format and she will answer them from a quaint café on the banks of Lake Garda.

In an interview the PM explained, “This first PMQs after summer recess was awful. Wretched opposition ministers were standing and clapping along whilst shouting, ‘Dance! Dance! Dance!’ at me, like a pack of deranged socialist sea lions.”

“As Prime Minister it is my duty to serve the country in a competent fashion, relaying strong and stable statistics to the House about stuff is part of that. So why Jeremy Corbyn insisted on asking questions about austerity, I don’t know. I’ve clearly stated in interviews and speeches that austerity is over. Over, means over.”

When asked about the break with PMQ parliamentary tradition, the PM responded: “I’m sure the great British taxpayer would expect me to be calm, taking afternoon tea whilst absorbing a serene vista during PMQs, instead of gazing across the House and noticing the Member for Neanderthal Central’s mottled buttocks in my eyeline with the word ‘Resign’ emblazoned across them.”

A copy of a draft PMQ multiple choice answer sheet has been obtained indicating there would be over 20 possible responses from the PM to each question. Examples are:
‘We’re putting record levels of funding into it’
‘The figures represent a year-on-year rise in living standards, in real terms.’
‘It’s a legacy from when the opposition were last in power’
‘That would be a constituency matter’
‘(insert topic), means (insert topic)’
‘Talk to the hand!’
‘With the greatest respect, is the minister drunk in charge of an opinion?’
‘You’ve never had it so good.’
‘Mr. Speaker! Could you remind the Right Honourable member that questions of this complexity and magnitude should really only be asked by somebody with the capacity to fully comprehend the answer.’

The PM concluded, “And I’ll have no more grumblings about Brexit. I’m sick to the back teeth of Brexit twaddle, I want to get back to the serious business of governing this great island nation. And as far as TV debates go; I know a lovely place in Italy.”

Categories: Fake News

Government counts ‘pocket money’ towards school funding

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/11/2018 - 6:00am

The UK Statistics Authority has discovered that not only has the Conservative Party included private tuition and university loans in their calculation of record funding levels for schools, but have also added in birthday money and anything obtained from the tooth fairy. Controversially the funding calculation also includes the sum value of a child’s harvested organs – in the event of a Hard Brexit.

An Education spokeswoman admitted: ‘In real terms, funding per child has dropped to five pence but if you include the revenue from North Sea oil, Amazon’s owed taxes, the loose change found in Simon Cowell’s sofa, plus flogging Arthur’s Excalibur and every communion chalice in the Church of England on eBay – the total stands at $48m a student’.

This means that the average school child will be expected to hold down three paper-rounds and a job in the city, in order to subsidize the scale of the Government’s lie. Even a £2 profit from any bake-sale will counted as an increase in teacher wages – almost doubling them.

The spokeswoman said: ‘This is a great way to improve our statistics. Employment is up – if we get rid of the letters U & N. Homelessness to down – if we call them rough-renters. Windrush deportations are just enforced holidays. And prisons don’t need more funding if everyone is just zonked out and suicidal on Spice anyway. Maybe the officers could try it too.  Basically, support for Theresa May is at an all-time high – if you ignore all days ending with a Y. Who needs maths anyway?’

Wrenfoe, Hat-tip to A.L. Shaw

Categories: Fake News

Chess tournament disrupted as white queen calls police on black pieces

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/11/2018 - 3:00am

The World Chess Championships, held for the first time in Alabama in America’s deep south, became the subject of controversy when one of the white pieces called the police on the black ones, accusing them of threatening behaviour.

“First of all it was the pawns – they were all standing in a line, you know how they do, which always makes me nervous.

“Then suddenly a black knight jumped over the pawns and got right in my face. Well, he was actually six squares away with my own pawns between me and him, but I was still uncomfortable.”

The black knight was beaten to the ground by several cops for “moving in a suspicious way, two squares forward and one to the side”, despite his protestations that he was allowed to do that and no one ever complains when a white knight does it.

Responding to suggestions she was overreacting, the white queen insisted she had seen many white pieces taken by black ones in the past. “But of course the liberal media never talks about that, do they?”

Hoping to defuse tension, the black bishops suggested a meeting with the white ones to see if they couldn’t find some common ground. Unfortunately, it turned out that what looked like bishops from across the board were actually white pawns wearing pointy hoods.

Categories: Fake News

Optician reprimanded for performing ‘insufficiently weird’ eye examination

News Biscuit - Thu, 10/11/2018 - 1:00am

A Surrey optician has been rebuked and warned as to his future conduct after he performed an eye examination described as ‘Not in the least bit odd or creepy and thus failing to meet the rigorous standards expected of the profession.’

Abigail Winter, 36, reported the optician to his professional body after her eye test failed to live up to her expectations. ‘I went to my local optician in Guildford for a routine check-up,’ recalled Ms Winter. ‘The optician didn’t waste my time by bombarding me with a lot of subjective questions I didn’t have a hope of answering correctly or by asking me to tell him which of two extremely blurred objects was slightly less out of focus. He also didn’t invade my personal space whilst carrying out the examination or asphyxiate me with his halitosis whilst gazing rather too fixedly into my eyes. He just quickly, calmly and competently tested my vision. I was shocked.’

The optician Mr Raymond Smith, 25, admitted his oversight in ‘forgetting to ask whether the red trapezium inscribed inside the green dodecahedron is more or less blurred than the green parallelogram inscribed inside the red ellipse, adding ‘I find I get much better results by simply asking my patients to read a few letters on an illuminated board.’

However, the British Association of Opticians responded angrily to Mr Smith’s lapse of professionalism. ‘People expect to be seated in a squeaky leather chair for at least half an hour with a pair of futuristic specs like that bloke in the Pet Shop Boys used to wear’ said a spokesman.

Only one aspect of Mr Smith’s performance scored highly in terms of weird creepiness. ‘The examination was almost over when he suddenly picked up what looked like a large staple gun and held it close to my eyeball,’ recalled Ms Winter. He warned me that it might tingle a bit and I thought he was completely psychotic. In fact the only thing that hit my eyes was a puff of air. When I flinched, Mr Smedley just laughed and told me I didn’t have glaucoma. I suppose even modern opticians have to get their kicks somehow.’

backroomboy

03 March 2009

Categories: Fake News

Man blames poor Vodafone coverage for failure to dump girlfriend

News Biscuit - Wed, 10/10/2018 - 2:55pm

A Vodafone user has been unable to ditch his girlfriend because his signal is total wank, it has emerged.

Mobile phone owner and horny first-year student, Sean Wilson, has been trying to phone partner, Sophie Goodier, 20, for a number of weeks to tell her that their long-distance relationship has run its course.

In his urge to ditch Sophie, silver-tongued lothario, Wilson, contacted Vodafone to inform them that he couldn’t get any signal at his home, but after waiting three hours for an answer, was told he needs to fork out seventy quid for a signal booster.

Wilson said,

“Of course I could send her an email, but that seems a little harsh considering that I have almost certainly given her a sexually transmitted disease.”

“I merely wanted to contact Sophie directly to tell her that it’s been fun, but that I’ve changed as a person, and that she should get the full range of sexual health tests carried out at the nearest available clinic as soon as is physically possible.”

“And, yes, sadly that does include antibiotic-resistant gonorrhoea.”

“However, due to Vodafone’s pitiful coverage, I only got as far as ‘itchy rash accompanied by a painful discharge’ when the line started to break up.”

Wilson now feels trapped both in his relationship with Vodafone and with his soon-to-be-ex and blames Martin Freeman’s considerable acting skills for his present dilemma.

He continued:

“If it hadn’t been for the Vodafone ad featuring that bloke out of The Office, which gave me the false impression that I could change my network provider at any time, I wouldn’t be stuck in a loveless relationship and swallowing pills that may ultimately prove to be useless.”

Ms Goodier, also a Vodafone subscriber, added:

“I’ve been plucking up the courage to text Simon with the news that I’m shagging his best mate, but I’ve run out of data.”

Categories: Fake News
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