Fake News

Tory ‘pairing’ system fails to match socks

News Biscuit - Thu, 07/19/2018 - 3:55pm

Not happy with just tricking MP’s on maternity leave into missing crucial votes, Conservative Whips have instructed Members to undermine all pairings by throwing out one shoe, removing one sock and ‘f$cking up all kitkats’. Henceforth no pairing will be honoured, which could spell disaster for fish n’ chips, Ant n’ Dec and A n’ E.

The implications are widespread, with swingers parties reporting an excess of frustration and car keys at the end of each evening. Complained one biblical character, a Mr. Noah: ‘I tried using the Tory pairing system but instead of two by two, I just got one lion trying to shag one very bewildered goat’.

Of course this refusal to ‘pair’ cuts both ways, with Tories  having to vote in person – putting pressure on their already short supply of crayons. Some MPs have suggested sending doubles in their place; with Boris Johnson employing an orangutang, Michael Gove a puff adder and David Davis a copy of ‘Where’s Wally’.

A spokesman for the Chief Whip, Julian Smith, denied taking advantage of vulnerable women, although with Boris on the prowl ‘…it was only a matter of time’. He assured reporters that the Conservative Party was a friend of the working mum: ‘But only one mum at a time. Don’t forget, if God had meant women to MPs he wouldn’t have given us Nadine Dorries’.

Categories: Fake News

JFK seeks to clarify that he is *not* a Berliner

News Biscuit - Thu, 07/19/2018 - 7:00am

Footage has just come to light of a press conference in which then-President John F Kennedy seeks to clarify certain remarks he made addressing a public meeting in Berlin.

“I thought I made myself pretty clear, but I just looked at a transcript of what I said, and even watched some footage of my speech, and I realise I may have misspoken and maybe some clarification might be a good idea.

“It turns out I said I was a Berliner, whereas in fact, and I would have thought this would be pretty obvious, I’m actually from Boston. To be fair, I was speaking German so you can’t blame me for getting a bit mixed up.”

It’s thought the revelation won’t dent JFK’s reputation – rather it will make Americans weep for the days when their president could speak a second language. Or a first one.

Categories: Fake News

US intelligence services claim Trump is not out of the wouldn’ts yet

News Biscuit - Thu, 07/19/2018 - 4:00am

United States security services have expressed their dismay that US President Donald Trump sided with the Russian President Vladimir Putin with regard to Russian meddling in the Presidential election, saying that Mr Trump can’t see the wouldn’t for the trees.

Despite Trump’s claim that he misspoke, and that he now accepts the intelligence community’s assertion that Russia interfered, more and more people are coming out of the wouldn’twork to criticise him.

Chuck Schumer, who was born in the same neck of the wouldn’ts in New York as the President and is leader of the opposition Democrats in the Senate, said that Trump was expecting a medal for his meeting with Putin but all he deserved was a wouldn’t spoon. ‘It was a classic Hollywouldn’t Moment’, he said.

Others were even more critical, saying the President should be ashamed of his failure to hold Putin accountable for Russia’s activities worldwide. When asked if he thought that the President was weak, one Democrat said, ‘Do bears shit in the wouldn’ts?’

Categories: Fake News

Barry Hearn to spice up office jobs with entrance music and dancing girls

News Biscuit - Thu, 07/19/2018 - 2:00am

A Bedford-based logistics company is working with renowned sports promoter Barry Hearn, in an attempt to make their office jobs more popular with the addition of loud music, rowdy live audiences and dancing girls.

The move was the idea of Managing Director Alan ‘The Big Boss’ Ball, who thinks Hearn’s track record of making a huge success of darts, and revolutionising snooker, makes him the ideal partner for his business.

‘Morale around the place seemed to be a bit low and we were struggling to attract quality staff.’ explained Mr Ball, while Snap’s hit single ‘I’ve got the power’ played in the background, ‘Barry’s previous achievements speak for themselves, and I decided he was the perfect man to turn this place around. I’m not too sure about his suggestion for a shorter format on Fridays though, taking some of the phones away and introducing a ‘Power Call’ that earns a bonus for whoever answers it.’

The business’ employees seem to be divided over the changes, with many enjoying being escorted into the building by two scantily clad women, accompanied by their own entrance music, but complaining that chanting from the live audience can be off-putting. Some ladies in the office are also claiming that being required to wear short skirts, and dance around every time somebody uses the shredder, actually constitutes sexual harassment. Most people in the company are keeping an open mind though.

‘There’s definitely a great atmosphere and a new energy around the place, and the crowd are generally quite good at keeping quiet while you’re on the phone.’ said Steve ‘The Bedford Bull’ Bennett from accounts, ‘I’m not sure I’m really comfortable with them cheering and holding up signs with the number 2 on when I come back from the toilet though. And nobody really wanted to see Mavis on reception wearing a mini skirt and a thong.’

‘One of the main downsides is if you’ve had a heavy night and are a bit late on a morning. It’s pretty much impossible to sneak in unnoticed when Eye of the Tiger is blaring over the PA system and you’re high-fiving everybody you walk past. It does nothing for your headache either.’

Categories: Fake News

Lib Dems in favour of proportional not voting

News Biscuit - Wed, 07/18/2018 - 3:55pm

By forgetting to vote against hard Brexit amendments, Vince Cable has signalled his party’s intention to stay in the EU – provided it does not require any particular effort.  Mr. Cable said he would do everything in his power to stop Brexit, unless that meant actually stopping Brexit, then no.

With elaborate games of double bluff, hide ‘n seek and knock down ginger, the Lib Dems will lure the House of Commons into a false sense of security – which will in fact be 100% secure.  This will be followed by the ‘third way’ in British politics, which is ‘not turning up’ – first pioneered by the England’s defence in the 2010 World Cup.

Senior Liberal Democrats took the bold move to ignore the one policy they were meant to be standing for.  A special friend of Tim Farron explained: ‘Tim would loved to have voted, but he was staying in for an evening of elderflower cocktails, a pedicure and a ‘Queer as Folk’ boxset’.

A party spokeswoman said: ‘Every time Vince votes for austerity, in the interests of fairness, he then votes against something that matters.  All our voting is proportional to how much we care – which is not very much’.

Categories: Fake News

Big 4 tell OAPs to ‘BOGOF’ as discount vouchers set to be scrapped

News Biscuit - Wed, 07/18/2018 - 12:00pm

Pensioners throughout the land are in a state of shock today as the nation’s big four supermarkets have announced they will no longer be accepting any special offer or two-for-one discount vouchers to pay for goods from September.

Commercial Director for Sainsbury’s, Gavin Thompson, said: ‘This is a move across the board to free the majority of our customers from the scourge of standing in queues, sometimes for hours on end, as a succession of Berts and Adas pay for three cans of cat food, a packet of Polos and a pack of Brillo Pads with seven different vouchers and a handful of pennies in loose change they’ve been keeping in a jam jar behind a piano.’

But sprightly eighty one year-old former school janitor, Alf Hillage, has hit back. ‘It’s a bleeding liberty, son. I relies on me vouchers to keep body and soul together. If this goes ahead then I’m likely gonna starve to death by Christmas.’

However Thompson and the other executives of Tesco, Morrisons and Asda remain unswerving, insisting they will not back down and there will be no last minute reprieve likely over the decision.

And there’s support too for the move from parliament as speaking on World at One Jacob Rees-Mogg said: ‘Often times after having perambulated down the aisles in my local emporium, I frequently must endure a tedious delay at the reckoning station when the elderly, and indeed the poor too, detain me overlong. Thus I must tarry in the queue before settling my account.’

‘These people must simply learn to use the much-prais’d and newfangl’d cards of credit to pay, or failing that there are always food banks.’

Categories: Fake News

Congratulations!

News Biscuit - Wed, 07/18/2018 - 7:29am

LittleSpender and roncawleyoni

Categories: Fake News

Airfix announces it has won contract for Typhoon replacement

News Biscuit - Wed, 07/18/2018 - 7:00am

Airfix has won the lucrative contract to provide the next generation of UK fighter planes, it has been revealed.

‘It’ll be pretty neat,’ said Gavin Williamson, aged eight, CEO of Airfix UK and apparently Defence Secretary. ‘We’re working on glueless wing joints and clip together tailplanes. If we can get Rolls Royce on board it’ll probably make a vroooom type of noise too,’ he said speaking from the Airfix stand at Farnborough today, while denying any conflict of interests.

‘I’ve resigned from my non-executive role at superglue and I sold all my shares on modelling paints yonks ago,’ he insisted. The aircraft will be much smaller than most current fighter aircraft, at about one forty-eighth of the size, lighter using modern easily moulded materials and will cost ‘only about £2 billion each, including the box which we recommend you hold onto to preserve market value,’ said Williamson.

Categories: Fake News

Producers of ‘Middle-age Love Island’ give up and go home

News Biscuit - Wed, 07/18/2018 - 4:00am

At a no-expense-spared, fully-accessible villa on the sun-kissed Isle of Wight, a TV production crew and twenty contestants on the show ‘Middle-Age Love Island’ are packing their bags and going home. Executive Producer Martin Jackson explains, ‘The contestants were a nightmare. It was too hot during the day so all they did was sleep, but then it was too hot at night and they were wide awake, moaning about being wide awake.’

‘We had to use the bleep button to cover all the involuntary body noises being emitted and conversations were so heavily edited for offence, all that was left to broadcast was a pack of adults tum-ti-tumming, whistling random tunes or making exertion grunts whenever they moved. There was nothing happening sexually, any fumblings under a duvet were usually to find glasses or elbow snorers, that’s not good TV.’

‘Re-couplings involved pairings matched with compatible medications. We did manage to get one new couple on a date and they never spoke. In fact, for two of the days no one spoke at all! When they did it was to boast about the achievements of their progeny, which ended up in tit-for-tat snobbery.’

‘The bickering was good TV at first, but after they divided the villa up between separate groups and began to build fences we said enough is enough. I’m putting this whole sorry episode behind me, I’m sure we’ll have more fun in Thailand with ‘Goth Nihilism Cave’.

Categories: Fake News

Wasps to undergo PR make-over

News Biscuit - Wed, 07/18/2018 - 2:00am

The ubiquitous summer ruiners are to get a completely new image in a move that’s shocked the animal kingdom.

‘Up until now, they’ve always chosen to focus on the bad things,’ said Brian the wasp. ‘The stinging, the fondness for picnics, the fact we have no discernible place in the food chain. But we’ve got a lot of positives to offer as well. You could cast us as anorexic bees in a nature documentary, for example.’

Margaret Boyle, the campaigner whose initial idea sparked the PR shift, has come up with a range of pro-wasp slogans she intends to turn into bumper stickers and billboards. Some of the most popular so far include, ‘You never hear of anyone stepping in wasp shit’, ‘Poison-free since ‘83’’ and ‘Wasps. At least we’re not spiders’.
‘I really think wasps are overdue a comeback,’ said Margaret. ‘I keep them as pets myself and you’d be amazed just how sociable and affectionate they can be. It’s just like having lots of tiny black and yellow kittens that can fly.’

Wasps used to be revered as gods in certain ancient and stupid cultures but their reputation took a severe knock after a group of them were found attempting to groom children around an ice-cream van to get access to their lollipops. The challenge of reinventing the much-maligned creatures is being taken up by Max Clifford’s PR company, as they ‘fancied a break’ after the fall-out with their own boss.

SamSmith (hat-tip to jp1885)

Categories: Fake News

Trump leaves Britain a scathing Trip Advisor review

News Biscuit - Tue, 07/17/2018 - 3:55pm

Donald Trump has only given the UK one star on his Trip Advisor review of his recent visit.

He criticised many aspects of this trip, including the food. “When I booked I had expected bed and Brexit,” Trump wrote. “I had wanted a Full English Brexit, but was disappointed to find that the landlady had gone for a more Continental offering”

The weather also faced his online ire. “The Sun put me in a tricky situation,” he said. “They really turned the heat up on me and made things awkward with Landlady May.”

Child care facilities also did not meet with Trump’s exacting demands. “It was awful! They had a baby tethered outside the Houses of Parliament. Mind you it was a very good looking baby. Chunky but well proportioned. Looked like it needed a good wind, though, he was full of air.”

A flight delay on Friday also put a dampener on Trump’s good spirits. ‘Stuck on the runway at Stansted for over an hour after some idiot managed to board our plane and started making a nuisance of himself. Managed to distract him with a few nonsense answers to his questions and thankfully he eventually left. Sad!’

Finally, he said that Landlady May had been “good” but that he couldn’t help thinking that Landlord Boris would have been “the highest level of special.”

Categories: Fake News

Elon Musk thanks Thai Navy SEALS for their support, as popularity of Tesla cars rocket

News Biscuit - Tue, 07/17/2018 - 7:00am

Billionaire tech genius and all-round great guy Elon Musk has thanked the Thai Navy SEALS and the worldwide expert diving community for their support following his recent daring rescue of the Wild Boars youth football team.  A very private man, it only became apparent Musk was leading the rescue when he inadvertently splodged it all over Instagram and Twitter to his 382 million followers.

Very little is known about Musk due to his crippling modesty, but he did grab headlines recently when he accidentally launched his car into space. “Now that was embarrassing, the police were looking for it for days” he said, “but I’ve definitely redeemed myself in Thailand.”

The news comes on the same day that corporate thought-jizz journal ‘Aspiring Executive’ has suggested that Musk’s Tesla cars are gaining popularity in company car parks across the UK – particularly in the highly competitive ‘young vectoring alphas’ marketing demographic. Serial over-achiever Lee is only 26, works in financial services and already manages an elite team of three responsible for Credit Card marketing to the unemployed in East Anglia. The job itself is hugely rewarding, but Lee also enjoys a full benefits package from his employer which includes a monthly car allowance of “£289 – and that’s excluding VAT yeh”.

Lee feels he identifies very strongly with Tesla founder Elon Musk proudly nodding “We’re both winners yeh? I used to love Audis cos yeh they had those fancy arse LED day running lights yeh that dazzled people and yeh like screamed ‘oi, move over, a champ is behind you yeh?’ – but now every car has them yeh, even my mum’s Motability Honda Jazz.”

Tesla launches its new midsized sporting ‘coupsaloon’ later this year, with the name of the new model being kept a close secret. Tesla has indicated the name will be a fusion of the company founder’s persona with one of his greatest achievements. “I hear it’s called the KnobRocket” exclaims Lee enthusiastically: “that would seal the deal for me yeh!”

 

fletcher

Categories: Fake News

Piers Morgan seizes power and establishes his own TV channel

News Biscuit - Tue, 07/17/2018 - 4:00am

Breakfast broadcaster and GMB’s biggest anchor, Piers Morgan, has seized power at ITV Studios and established a new channel called Morgan TV which will broadcast nothing but programmes featuring the puffed-up windbag every evening for ten hours.

In a video loop on the channel’s website, Morgan says tonight’s grand opening schedule (available on Sky on 1543) will consist of his two hard-hitting GMB Donald Trump interviews followed by the entire 2008 series of Celebrity Apprentice USA that he won.

Speaking later to press at a glitzy launch party he said: ‘The nation wants this. They love me and my brand of incisive interviewing. I can get right to the nitty-gritty with everyone. Did you see me aboard Airforce One with Mr Trump on GMB? Wasn’t I just brilliant? Donald was eating out of the palm of my hand. To be honest we’d still be recording more great stuff now only I had to wrap things up. Wow! How great am I?’

‘Every other broadcast  and newspaper journalist in the country was gutted that I got the scoop. That’s sad, real sad, but it’s down to my incredible journalistic instinct, along with my amazing willingness to lick Trump’s arse all day long. I’m just so a-bloody-mazing that I can’t believe it myself. You know, if I could somehow manage it, I’d never get anything done as I’d likely be trying to shag myself f*cking stupid all day long.’

When asked for her thoughts on the development, Morgan’s co-host on Good Morning Britain, Susanna Reid, said: ‘He hasn’t shut up about Airforce One all day. It’s just so tedious. But as I said to Charlotte (Hawkins) – Orifice One more like.’

Categories: Fake News

EU employ French Brexit negotiator to shrug and pretend not to understand English

News Biscuit - Tue, 07/17/2018 - 2:00am

The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesn’t speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.

‘The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid’ he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations.  ‘Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three o’clock.’

Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.

‘We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU’ he told reporters. ‘Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say ‘Ce n’est pas possible.’ And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say ‘Je ne comprends pas!’

‘In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.’

 

Categories: Fake News
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