Fake News

‘Trump and close aides are escaped Westworld hosts’ claims FBI source

News Biscuit - Tue, 05/15/2018 - 4:00am

Sensational claims are being made by an FBI source that President Donald Trump and many of his inner circle of aides and advisors are not what they appear to be, but that they are in fact a gang of escaped ‘Hosts’ from Westworld, the fictional Wild West reality theme park.

Special Agent Bob Stadenko told reporters: ‘It had been puzzling us for some time and then suddenly all the pieces of the jigsaw fell into place. The really weird complexions, the totally vacant look in their eyes, the constant repetition, the extremely limited and infantile level of intelligence, but the real kicker was the total lack of empathy for anyone and everyone they interact with.’

However speaking at a hastily arranged White House briefing a spokesman for Mr Trump denied the claims dismissing them as utter fantasy. ‘This is just more crazy fake news completely invented by The Democrats who are so desperate to rubbish Mr Trump and everything that he is doing to make America great again.’

‘And what’s more… what is more… what… what… whawww… system malfunction… overload… reboot… reboot… initiating diagnostic sequence… shutting down…’

Categories: Fake News

Lethal pig virus set to oincubate in humans

News Biscuit - Tue, 05/15/2018 - 2:50am
Categories: Fake News

‘Fussy’ dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more

News Biscuit - Tue, 05/15/2018 - 2:00am

To zoologists, they are nature’s great recyclers, the 5,000 or so species that feed on faeces and maintain the ecological balance of the deserts, farmlands, forests and grasslands of the world. However, this may be about to change, as a younger generation of dung beetle tell their parents they ‘are not eating that shit’.

The generation gap has truly struck in the Scarabaeoidea world. Older dung beetles point out that millions of generations before them have been happy to eat shit and they are lucky not to have to eat or drink anything else, because the dung provides all the necessary nutrients. Young dung beetles, however, are not listening.

‘My mum keeps on how there’s so many different kinds of shit,’ said an Onthophagus gazella in Kenya’s Masai Mara. ‘Lion shit, zebra shit, elephant shit, rhino shit … well I don’t care, it’s all basically shit. Why should I put up with this shit because everyone else did? It’s just like Nazi Germany. I imagine.’

Religious leaders have tried to comfort any dung beetles who don’t like the taste of shit, saying that their role on Earth is ordained by God as a way of keeping the circle of life going. However, in today’s more open society, even lower order animals are wondering if the creator of the entire universe really would have such a warped sense of humour.

Mother dung beetles increasingly feel trapped between their demanding offspring and conservative older dung beetles. ‘Roller’ species of dung beetle have long derided the ‘tunnellers’ as stupid and ‘dwellers’ as plain lazy. Now they are turning their wrath on their great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.

‘When I was a youngster two months ago, living in a steaming puddle of hippo urine, omnivore shit was a treat to relieve a monotonous diet of decaying leaves and passing millipedes,’ said an old Euoniticellus intermedius. ‘We didn’t have two turds to rub together. And now these little shits are even turning their feelers up at fresh leopard shit. That’s seriously good shit that is. Shit.’

Categories: Fake News

Chinese TV Channel Bans School Choir Rendition Of ‘I Can Sing A Rainbow’

News Biscuit - Mon, 05/14/2018 - 3:55pm

A homophobic censorship row is brewing  as online Chinese channel, Mango TV, has now also banned St Winifred’s School Choir’s rendition of I Can Sing A Rainbow in addition to Ireland’s recent Eurovision entry.

‘Any song that pledges solidarity with the LGBT community is clearly suspect, so this and other songs like Tom Robinson’s, Sing If You’re Glad To Be Gay, are definite non-starters. Err… not that the children were planning to sing Mr Robinson’s song, of course, because they are still far too young to have decided upon their sexuality, but you can never be too careful,’ explained a spokesman for the channel.

There was further incredulity when St Winifred’s smash No.1 hit, There’s No One Quite Like Grandma, was also added to Mango’s blacklist, as no one could spot any obvious breach of China’s core values being expressed.

However, it now transpires that there is no one quite like Grandma because she actually used to be Grandad…before the gender reassignment surgery. So say Mango sources, who insist they fully researched the song’s background.

Amidst the increasing paranoia, the LGBT community is secretly waging a protest to have Mango TV banned from the Internet. Communicating via social media, and she-mail, people are invited to sign a petition. Anyone who has been affected by the impact of paranoid censorship is invited to add their name. Latest signatories include, George, Zippy, Bungle and Geoffrey.

And in an unanticipated bizarre twist, Mango TV has now reportedly banned itself due to the use of the ambiguous term, TV. From now on, they prefer to be known as Mango Television.

Macattack1964

Categories: Fake News

Britain To Be Excluded From Channel Tunnel After Brexit

News Biscuit - Mon, 05/14/2018 - 7:00am

‘The channel tunnel was a joint project between two countries which at the present time are part of the EU’ stated a representative of the Departement de Fabrication des Statements de l’EU yesterday ‘And this of course means that the tunnel is an EU project.

Naturally, if Great Britain chooses no longer to be part of the EU in future, then it is not reasonable for her to to continue to expect access to this EU tunnel.’

‘Nevertheless we are not going to be unreasonable about this. Britain will be an independent country, free to do as she chooses, and that includes what she may do with her end of the tunnel. We will only be closing off the end which is in France.’

However upon hearing the news Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, one of the prime movers instrumental in securing the Brexit win hit back. Speaking on LBC he delivered this stark ultimatum to France: ‘Hmm… yes… ah…erm… I-I-I-I-I… well… mmm…so there!’

Categories: Fake News

Royal Wedding Bun Fight

News Biscuit - Mon, 05/14/2018 - 4:00am

A furious row has broken out in Westminster over an initiative by UK Food Banks to celebrate the upcoming Royal Wedding on May 19th. In line with Meghan and Harry’s desire for the whole nation to celebrate with them, all UK food banks announced that they intend including an extra 500g bag of pasta in all their clients’ rations.

But the idea, to be known as Meghan’s Meal, was furiously condemned as ‘a recipe for disaster’, by Esther McVey Minister for Work and Pensions. Speaking to a packed House of Commons, she dubbed it ‘Harry’s handouts’ and told MP’s: ‘Giving these People free food will only make them more idle and take away any incentive for them to even try and find meaningful employment or to help themselves.’

Roared on by her Tory Colleagues Ms McVey asked the House to imagine the scene on the big day, and painted a picture of millions of feckless, work shy scroungers gorging themselves on free pasta while decent people paid their own way.

Iain Duncan Smith and Jacob Rees-Mogg, two of Britain’s leading Catholics told reporters afterwards that the Bible is clear, God will provide for all he deems worthy and if some, either through hunger or untreated illness, die, then it is a clear sign that God is doing our work for us.

Asked to comment, Boris Johnson said that he was relieved that it was only Pasta, ‘When I heard Meghan’s Meal, I thought they would be serving up Roast Possum and Grits’.

 

Categories: Fake News

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge fail to mate, say keepers

News Biscuit - Mon, 05/14/2018 - 2:00am

Scientists working at Kensington Palace have announced the mating window of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has closed after the pair failed to conceive, despite several romantic encounters in a specially constructed royal ‘love tunnel’.

Efforts are continuing to encourage the shy, adorable pair to mate for what is thought to be the second time. In 2013 the female Kate-Kate gave birth to a single male offspring so impossibly cute that even its mother was sick for three months beforehand, but royal conservationists agree that this is not necessarily enough to guarantee the survival of the species Monarchia windsorica in the long term.

The couple had just 36 hours to procreate again before Kate-Kate became unreceptive, with the final meeting between the pair occurring last night, attended by both Professor Robert Winston and Peter Stringfellow. It had been expected that the two would have another attempt today, though tests revealed that the Duchess’s hormone levels had dropped, leading to her watching The One Show and eating pizza while the heir to the throne read a book on polo. The couple have since been returned to their separate enclosures.

During the week they had shown signs of attraction to each other on several occasions, with Kate-Kate feigning interest in her husband’s collection of African masks, and the couple were later spotted discussing charity work by press and tourists watching from a special viewing platform.

‘They showed encouraging signs, with the Duke appearing to mount the Duchess,’ a spokesman for the Palace told us, ‘though it was later found that they had merely been wrestling over the TV remote.’

Palace staff are already working with Russell Brand to construct a specially adapted kilt for the prince, in order for mating to proceed at just a few minutes notice if and when the opportunity arises.

Categories: Fake News

Man convinced he can mend anything with gaffer tape

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/13/2018 - 3:55pm

Despite never having had any formal medical training, Paul Nowakowski (36) is fairly sure that an amputated thumb can be reattached with a combination of gaffer tape and wood glue. Faced with a DIY ‘accident’ involving a hedge trimmer and innate male stubbornness, Paul is a firm believer in improvised health care – just like Jeremy Hunt.

Although copious blood loss would suggest otherwise, Paul has every confidence that the gaffer will hold: ‘Yes, I lost consciousness for a few minutes but that’s probably just the hay-fever. I’ll be right as rain, as soon I’ve cleared up all the vomit and got the thumb facing the right direction’.

Rather than visit an A&E Department, Paul is determined to ‘power through’, knowing full well that his wife had given him strict instructions not climb ladders unaided. ‘Let’s not mention my little mishap, I don’t want any awkward recriminations. Mrs Nowakowski hasn’t forgiven me since I hard-wired the TV into the plumbing and electrocuted her mother- again’.

Undeterred, Paul stuck by the curative powers of gaffer tape and lying to your wife: ‘Gaffer can repair anything – shelving, subsidence, even Brexit.’ What about your marriage? ‘No, probably not that’.

Categories: Fake News

Big Sam takes over at R Kelly

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/13/2018 - 4:00am

Rumours that Everton FC manager Big Sam Allardyce is to take over at struggling R Kelly have been confirmed.

With a multi-million dollar deal penned, the Midlands troubleshooter has agreed to try and save the artist from being relegated from Spotify Premier.

It’s understood the rapper’s entire entourage will be replaced with the same back-room staff of political correctness coaches that Big Sam used to great effect with Wayne Rooney at Everton.

Big Sam added, ‘I had the lad on trial to see what he could do, and I’ll be honest he failed miserably in the bleep test.’

‘He believed he could fly once, he believed he could touch the sky. He will again. He just needs a kick up the ‘R’ to get there.’

Categories: Fake News

Rooney`s Career On The Wayne As Everton Exit Beckons

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/13/2018 - 2:49am

Macattack1964

Categories: Fake News

5p levy to be introduced for every plastic fiver transaction

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/13/2018 - 2:44am

Macattack1964

Categories: Fake News

Top hospitals to pay surgeons in toothpaste

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/13/2018 - 2:36am
Categories: Fake News

Pasta ordered to stop lying about cooking times

News Biscuit - Sun, 05/13/2018 - 2:00am

Notorious BULLSHITTER Pasta, has been warned by police to stop stating that it takes just ’10-12′ minutes to cook.

Last year scientists began to investigate the phenomenon of the nefarious foodstuff un-cooking itself the longer it remained in hot water, but died of starvation before the research could be completed.  A scrawled note next to 3 lab-coated skeletons read: ’10:41 – Opened packet of fresh pasta, seems almost cooked already, now placing in boiling water. 13:52 – dinner still not ready, have eaten stir-in sauce cold. Feel numb. Jenny, I’m so sorry, I love you..’

Escaped lunatic Heston Blumenthal, disagrees: ‘Just last week I cooked a whole warehouse full of spaghetti in minus thirty seconds, using a time machine and a copy of Katie Price’s autobiography’ he yelled, before being pelted with uncooked Fusilli by an angry mob.

 

thatwasbeast

Categories: Fake News

Footballer picks up coveted nose spit award

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/12/2018 - 3:55pm

A Division 2 footballer was celebrating last night, after receiving the annual spitter of the year prize at the Golden Greenie awards, held in Gobowen. Peter Jones, full back with Port Vale, was commended by a panel of journalists and fellow players for ‘a season of unparalleled nose ejections, with variety, trajectory and speed of delivery more typically associated with a premier league player, or someone with a quite serious bacterial infection’ .

‘Jones has been untouchable this year, something unfortunately that you can’t say about his discharge’, noted the Telegraph’s chief football journalist. ‘It’s hard to single out individual gobs in such a great season, but I’d say his right nostril ejection midway through the Stoke cup game in January was a watershed – well, snot-shed actually – moment. Finger blocking left nostril. Rapid exit of phlegm in a single shot, with no residue onto the shirt. Deliberately targeted to miss opponent’s foot by less than a centimetre. Outstanding.’

‘Pete’s versatility has been a hallmark of his nose clearances this year’, waxed legendary commentator John Snotson. ‘He’s a great utility gobber. He can deliver a little bit of spit between his two front teeth finishing with a double pike of the saliva into the advertising hoardings, along with the best in the world. But he’s not afraid to honk out a huge mucus and saliva mix around the penalty area on a wet and windy Tuesday in January at Burnley either’.

‘I’ve been really pleased with my consistency this year’, admitted Jones, ‘Thick, mostly green, and very, very difficult to remove from the playing surface’.

Hat-tips Titus, ron cawleyoni, Paul L, Macattack1964

Categories: Fake News

Home Office issues L.A.V.A. guidelines for volcanic eruptions

News Biscuit - Sat, 05/12/2018 - 9:00am

After witnessing scenes of eruption from the Kilauea volcano spewing molten lava across carefully manicured Hawaiian lawns, a special Home Office task force convened in an emergency meeting to formulate an effective response strategy should Britain suffer the same fate. Today saw the first advice published by the task force.

L.A.V.A.

In the event of receiving an order to evacuate due to volcanic eruption, the public should follow L.A.V.A. guidelines:

L = Lunch.
If you’re about to eat, do so. British lava is likely to be slow moving and suffer delays due to moderate weather fluctuations. Evacuation on an empty stomach is not recommended. If you’ve already eaten, consider utilising the spare time before engulfment to clear memory space on your recording devices or bring the washing in. Don’t allow noxious sulphurous fumes from a pyroclastic flow to ruin the alpine-fresh fragrance of your line-dried delicates.

A = Argue.
Even with super-heated liquid rock encroaching unabated, it’s still going to get chilly in the evening. Try to have a brief ding-ding with your partner about what to wear to circumvent the problem, this will eventually clear the air of nonsense to allow for more rational conversations as the threat of atom by atom vaporisation becomes ever imminent.

V = Video.
There’s likely to be a ‘vlogger’ at your evacuation assembly building ‘vragging’ about escaping his impending demise and showing everyone a trickle of lava filmed to look like an approaching tsunami. As you cleared your devices earlier, you won’t be caught out articulating your own predicament without first-class video evidence, preferably with your partner in shot for scale. An artily shot video of your domestic cataclysm will bring a multitude of social media ‘likes’ which although cannot compensate for losing house and home, may bring a fleeting sense of dislocated sympathy.

A = Arse.
You are now in mortal peril and it’s too late to take that skirt back to M&S, or snip any more cuttings from your prize-winning Rhododendron. This is the time to set your pets or livestock free. If they are hand-reared or purchased from a reputable establishment they’ll come looking for you. Now get your arse to the designated evacuation assembly building before white-hot pumice removes more than the skin from your feet.

Remember: There’s no palaver with L.A.V.A.

Categories: Fake News
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