Fake News

Give a man a turnip & you feed him for a day. Give him a hoe and he’s wealthy. More soon.

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/18/2018 - 12:44am

(hattips Mandy Lifeboat & Benvoleo)

Categories: Fake News

Tell your parents ‘You’ll be dead soon’, advises young Remainer

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/17/2018 - 4:55pm

A young Remain supporter, frustrated by the fact that his generation will have to live with the consequences of Brexit for longest, has come up with a new strategy for winning Leavers around to his way of thinking.  ‘In the past, we’ve too often just told Leavers they were gullible, stupid or racist’, he explained.  ‘Clearly, that’s just going to harden attitudes, when we should be focused on their hardening arteries’.

‘Today we’re launching a campaign encouraging young Remainers to tell their parents ‘You’ll be dead soon, so you ought to vote the way I want’.  If they don’t accept the logic, try pointing out that they’re looking a bit pasty this morning, they had red meat for dinner again last night, and belonging to a gym is no use unless you actually go.’

‘While you’re at it, try asking them to be a bit more frugal in their lifestyles, or else there’ll be nothing left for you to inherit.  ‘Seriously, two trips to the garden centre this weekend?  What you just spent on compost would keep me in vaping accessories for a month’.’

The young man’s parents initially declined when asked for a comment, until finally his mother issued a statement admitting they clearly hadn’t done a great job as parents, to which his father said: ‘It’s not all our fault dear, they get these things from their friends.  Anyway, thanks to Brexit, he’ll be dead soon’.

Categories: Fake News

Apathy Party threatened by radical new group ‘Inertia’

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/17/2018 - 8:00am

One of Britain’s most well-established and highly-respected political parties, the Apathy Party, faces a new threat to its established order.  A small group of fanatical inactivists, anxious, as they say, to restore the party ‘to its core values’ and calling itself ‘Inertia’, has begun to unorganise in local branches.

‘The Apathy Party was losing its way’ claimed one inactivist.  ‘Candidates were occasionally thinking of actually seeking nomination, which would have required party members specifically and consciously to refrain from voting.  That is contrary to everything our party holds dear’.

‘The main objective of Inertia will be to ensure that no possible candidates ever even think about volunteering, let alone nominating anyone else, to do anything at all.  Sitting non-candidates need to be aware that they risk de-selection if they are ever even merely suspected of contemplating engaging in any activity of any kind whatsoever.’

The party has remained utterly indifferent to its very foundations by this shock revelation

Categories: Fake News

Digital Services manager not actually ‘passionate’ about job

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/17/2018 - 5:00am

While having a quick drink after work on Monday, digital services manager Sarah Barrett has admitted that she – in direct contradiction to the office wide email announcement sent round earlier that day – is in fact NOT ‘passionate about keeping customers secure online and protecting the information we hold of theirs.’

‘I’m paid to,’ Sarah confessed, ‘that’s true.  But to say I’m “passionate” about it?  That’s not quite right’.  Later – after missing the twenty-seven past train and resolving to definitely get the next one – Sarah, exasperated now, said: ‘I’m passionate about two things – my husband and learning languages.  That’s it.  Digital services is just a job.  What’s wrong with that?  Why isn’t that enough?’

Categories: Fake News

Anti-capitalist protester starts ‘anti-capitalist events management company’

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/17/2018 - 3:00am

An anti-capitalist protester camping outside St Paul’s Cathedral in London confirmed today that the experience has inspired him to start ‘ProtestEx’ – the world’s first event management company dedicated to ‘making sure your bid to overthrow the status quo goes without a hitch’.

‘The people running this one have done brilliantly,’ said Christopher James of Kingham, Oxfordshire. ‘It’s a great central location, near Starbucks and Pizza Express, and there’s plenty of opportunities for a few sherbets in the evening. But all the organisers are hippies and unemployed, so they had some time on their hands, and that got me thinking – what if you wanted to start a protest but couldn’t fit the destruction of the entire bourgeois rentier system into your busy working schedule? You’d need an events manager – just like if you were planning to get married.’

ProtestEx offers to handle all aspects of creating a protest, from catering to communication to accommodation. ‘We can even sell you colour co-ordinated tents that spell out your aims when viewed from a BBC helicopter – I’ve got a source in Shanghai,’ said Mr James. ‘But I’m also looking to branch out into other causes. Fox hunting, anti-nuclear, anti-Murdoch – you name it, we’ll help you hate it. Obviously we can’t promise your protest will succeed, but we can guarantee you unlimited skinny macchiatos during the attempt. If things go well I’m hoping for a stock market flotation in 2015.’

‘What we want is to make sure your big day goes off without a hitch,’ he continued. ‘You can’t have just anyone turning up, so we’ve negotiated favourable security rates with G4. Can you imagine if gypos showed up on your campsite with their dogs, unruly children and big fat brides? Nightmare! The last thing you want when demonstrating to save the world is a bunch of selfish people only worried about their own needs. We’ll stop them for you – for a fee.’

Categories: Fake News

British Steal pension fund. More soon.

News Biscuit - Sat, 02/17/2018 - 1:23am
Categories: Fake News

Titanic passengers call for reconsideration of order to ‘abandon ship’

News Biscuit - Fri, 02/16/2018 - 4:55pm

‘We are not impressed by the confusion over the transition into the lifeboats,’ said a disgruntled passenger. ‘And we should have a chance to change our minds, once we know exactly how the lifeboats will be filled, who will be in which lifeboat, how big the lifeboats are, how comfortable they will be and even whether there will be absolute certainty that there are enough lifeboats anyway.’

Other passengers have voiced doubts about the whole idea of taking to the lifeboats at all. ‘We will be adrift, alone, in the dark, in the middle of a vast ocean. Surely we should stay aboard the ship we know as it heads at full speed towards Ever Closer Union, whether that is Ever Closer Union with the USA, Ever Closer Union with an iceberg, or whatever’.

‘Yet the ship was designed by experts and is crewed by experts – very highly paid experts, too, by all accounts – even if we didn’t have any say in their appointment.  What could possibly go wrong?  And who invited Boris into the lifeboat?  He’s too fat for us to stay afloat and keeps demanding £350m for Jet Skis.’

However many of the passengers are undecided. ‘Perhaps, at regular intervals, we should repeatedly re-examine the idea of abandoning the ship,’ said one of them.  Another said: ‘The ship was built in Northern Ireland.  The people there seem to be a calm, wise, level-headed and open-minded bunch of people, always with a clear, logical and consistent idea of what they want.  Why don’t we let them decide for us?’


Categories: Fake News

You don’t have to mad to own a gun license, but it helps

News Biscuit - Fri, 02/16/2018 - 8:00am

People across America have today been mourning the loss of 17 lives following the latest this latest incident of a man brandishing his ‘mental health’, raising questions about how someone suffering from gun ownership was able to get his hands on some mental health and use it to such deadly affect.

An advocate of stricter mental health ownership said: ‘We need to make sure people armed to the teeth with pistols, rifles, and enough ammunition to supply a small army aren’t able to just walk into a crowded place and start indiscriminately taking people out with their mental health”.

One suggestion is to make sure teachers in school are all in possession of mental health issues to try and combat anyone committed to perpetrating a mass mental-healthing in their class.  A local resident to the recent mental-healthing and supporter of the idea said:  ‘It’s a well known fact that the best way to defend against a heavily armed bad guy with mental health issues is a good guy with mental health issues.’

James Pluside

Categories: Fake News

US government to ban single-use bullets by 2020

News Biscuit - Fri, 02/16/2018 - 5:00am

With year-on-year shootings steadily increasing throughout America, the government has bowed to pressure and moved to tackle the environmental impact of this ongoing carnage.  ‘We have reached a point in our collective history where something needs to be done,’ said a White House spokesperson.  ‘There were in excess of 60,000 incidents last year involving the discharging of a firearm and we need to ensure that every effort is being made to re-use as much of that ammunition as possible.’

Full details of how this will be achieved are yet to be confirmed, but early proposals include installing recycling banks inside operating theatres and co-ordinating lead collection drives during school shooting aftermaths.

The spokesperson avoided being drawn on the topic of alternative solutions, dismissing the idea that reducing gun ownership could save both ammunition and lives as ‘utterly absurd’.


Categories: Fake News

Donkey Sanctuary ‘should have spotted the donkeys were people in costumes’

News Biscuit - Fri, 02/16/2018 - 3:00am

A donkey sanctuary admitted today that most of last year’s record intake of rescue animals were, in fact, ‘men in quite convincing pantomime donkey costumes, many of them Greek’. It also announced an immediate overhaul of its admission procedures.

‘It can be quite tricky to spot a real donkey from a fake sometimes,’ said a spokesman, ‘especially when 500 of them turn up at your gates holding signs in their mouths reading “my master no feed me any more. Plees help”. Our policy is to help first, ask questions later – although with hindsight the fact that some of the animals could actually answer our questions was a bit of a giveaway.’

The fakers, most of whom came from Athens, were thought to have been drawn to the Sanctuary by its multi-million pound endowment, its offer of free food and lodging for life for abused animals, its beautiful Devon location and its excellent on-site medical facilities. ‘OK so we had to walk around a field on all fours being stared at by visitors, and the food was a bit oaty, said one of the asinine impersonators, ‘but in stable number 6 we had a radio, tv, everything. In Piraeus my bank had just repossessed the stereo – what did I have to lose?’

One of the donkeys underwent a major heart operation during his stay, and the surgeons were shocked when the first incision in his skin revealed a subcutaneous layer described as ‘patterned bri-nylon’. They were even more surprised by the anatomical irregularities described as ‘two hearts, and some extra limbs kicking around in there’ but decided to submit their findings to the prestigious journal ‘Nature’, rather than query the judgement of their superiors as to the species of creature laying on the slab before them. The fraud only came to light when a visitor provided photographic evidence of ‘Hercules the blind donkey’ smoking a joint whilst talking on a mobile phone’ in the far corner of Field 8.

Despite the fraud a government spokesman confirmed there were no plans to introduce new regulatory oversight, but suggested the sanctuary reduce the benefits it gives its charges. ‘Whenever you have a system of donkey welfare it fosters a culture of donkey welfare dependency – we’ve seen that again and again’ he said. ‘Make them work for their keep – haul coal trucks, give rides on the beach – that should deter future freeloaders, be they man or beast’.

A spokesman for Battersea Dog’s Home was more sympathetic: ‘I can understand with an animal that size how you might get caught out, but it’s never happened to us. Well, except for that time when a particularly smooth puppy we reared for four years turned out to be someone’s unwanted child. Honestly, some people just suck the milk of human kindness out of you’.

New Suburban Dad

Categories: Fake News

Feminists demand right to bare arms. More soon.

News Biscuit - Fri, 02/16/2018 - 12:30am


Categories: Fake News
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