Fake News
Joy as England win in extra time from wrongly awarded penalty against a country with a tenth of its population. More soon
More soon
Categories: Fake News
Duchess of Cambridge self-isolating after wearing same jacket twice
Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge has been forced to spend ten days isolating in her poky 20-room apartment at Kensington Palace after she was photographed in a jacket that she had worn more than once. This unforgivable faux pas is being blamed on an aide whose primary role is to burn every pre-worn item in a special furnace on the grounds of the Palace. The hapless aide mixed the jacket up with Kate’s new range of single-use designer apparel, which led to the future Queen being placed in such a harrowing predicament.
Kate reportedly barricaded herself in her own private chamber shortly after the incident and is refusing to wear anything at all until every item of her clothing has been destroyed as a safety precaution and replaced with brand new outfits by her tailor, who has been working round the clock ever since. The former aide, who was last seen being accompanied down to the royal furnace by two burly footmen, was not available for comment.
Categories: Fake News
Success of Iceland’s four-day week leads Britain to adopt an eight-day week
Reacting to the Icelandic study that a four day week increases productivity and health, the British Government has decided not to give up on indentured servitude and gruel for breakfast. A spokeswoman said: ‘If anything, the average Brit needs to work more hours. Those asbestos mines won’t dig themselves, you know’. The name of the eighth day is still up for debate, but the front runners are ‘DorisDay’, ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’ or ‘Happy Mondays’.
Most of this day will be spent in a man-sized hamster wheel, while you are whipped by hooded figures from a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Mediaeval laments will form the background noises, alongside the whirring of a photocopier, the tapping of a keyboard and disgruntled murmurs of your work colleagues. UK workers have greeted the eight-day week with a cheerful smile, as they doffed their caps and genuflected before a marble statue of the Queen’s corgi. Although Craig David is said to be rather annoyed.
Categories: Fake News
Self-regulating porn industry urges users to ‘wank responsibly’
The British porn industry has bowed to pressure to warn people not to over-indulge in the thing it would really, really like them to over-indulge in, it was confirmed today.
‘Sure, our porn is sexy, cool, hot and cheap – but don’t watch too much!’ said an industry spokesman. ‘As the tiny label says in the final scene where the actress gazes directly at you, overwhelmed in ecstasy and admiration at your ability to make a woman climax in the past just by leering at her via fibre-optic cable, ‘If the cum stops, stop’.’
Bored men in lockdown have been lured to sites such as paddyphoar or Pink Casin-ho by the offer of ‘favourite games’ or ‘free slots’, only to reappear drunk and bankrupt days later. Many routinely exceed the safe limit of half a hand-shandy a day, and a significant minority have begun to wank and drive.
Following mounting criticism of wrist-strain-related productivity loss, the government allowed the creation of a sector-funded website offering guidance for flesh consumers worried where their habit is leading them, rather than adopt a more heavy-handed approach.
‘Wankaware.org is full of useful tips ‘said the spokesman. ‘For instance, it’s a common myth that masturbation leads to blindness, but you can debunk this yourself. If you suspect that being a massive wanker has affected your eyesight, simply chuck your kids in the back of the car and head to Barnard Castle.’
Categories: Fake News
England football team to unite nation, say people who divided it
As England’s heroic lions march towards a glorious defeat on penalties to Italy in the Euro 2021 final, the potential for the nation to be reunited has been celebrated by all the people who did most to divide the country in the first f*cking place.
‘It’s coming home #euro2021,’ tweeted Home Secretary and horrible person Priti Patel, in between masturbating to the scene where Bambi’s mother gets killed and ordering officials to check that football has the proper documents to come and live here and to deport it promptly if it hasn’t.
Meanwhile, left-wing football fans were in no way conflicted by pictures of Prime Minister (no, really) Boris Johnson standing on an enormous great flag outside 10 Downing Street. Keith Poole, a Labour councillor from Nottingham, said: ‘Glad to see Boris is a fan too and is in no way making political capital out of temporary success in a game he completely understands, played by working class people he doesn’t believe to be sub-human scum.’
‘Shows we were right to leave the EU cos we never won the Euros while we were in Europe,’ agreed Nigel Walker, a shaven-headed cockwomble from Essex, lifting his knuckles from the floor for just long enough to wave an England flag in the air. ‘Eng-er-land! Eng-er-land! But I’m sure all the Remoaner traitor Marxist scum will agree to keep politics out of it and get behind the team.’
‘Sport is a great unifier, particularly at times of national strife,’ commented Professor Richard Drew of the University of Somewhere or Other. ‘So we as can expect to see everyone come together in a spirit of national celebration for the England team. Even the Jocks and the Taffs, who were crap as usual, and definitely the Bog Irish other than any sausage importers, though probably not the Mick Irish. And probably not the 40 million people who don’t give a stuff about football either, to be fair.’
Categories: Fake News
North Koreans heartbroken at Kim Jong-un’s only slightly obese appearance
The entire population of North Korea are reported to be seriously concerned about their Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un’s apparent weight loss. An unidentified resident of the country’s capital, Pyongyang said: ‘He used to be morbidly obese, but now he’s only clinically obese – it’s a real worry to us all. He was always so handsome, like a big, fat baby. The weight loss has aged him – he now looks like a chubby toddler.’
‘We have been suffering from some food shortages here, but I would gladly take food from the mouths of my starving children to help our beloved leader return to his former glorious health and good looks.’
Reports that Kim Jong Un will shortly be releasing a book entitled ‘Dictate, Lose Weight, Be Great!’ are unconfirmed.
Ragmans Trumpet
Categories: Fake News
Harry defends putting landmines around Diana statue
Campaigners from the ICBL have criticised the Dukes of Cambridge and Sussex have been criticised by campaign organisers over their decision to use landmines to protect the Diana memorial statue in Kensington Gardens. However, Prince Harry defended the decision, saying he hoped laying a ring of concealed explosive devices in the garden would help deter future acts of vandalism and prevent the statue being toppled by protestors.
‘We are very happy for the public to come and enjoy the surroundings, take in the serenity of the garden….but just don’t get too close to the statue.
The last thing we want is to wake up one morning and find Diana has got a traffic cone on her head – or someone has erected a statue of Uncle Andrew lurking in the background carrying a pizza.’
Categories: Fake News
Wimbledon Ladies’ Prettiness Championship enters tense final stages
Tension is growing among fans of attractive women in short white pleated skirts as the annual Ladies’ Prettiness Championship entered its final stages this week at Wimbledon. And, despite complaints in some quarters that the standard of gorgeousness is not what it used to be, there have been plenty of surprises along the way.
Long-time no-hoper Venus Williams surprised many observers by getting to the second round by means of an unusual style of dress but was subsequently knocked out for unfashionable collars, while plucky Brit Laura Robson managed to outscore Italy’s Francesca Schiavone on face, legs and shape alike, before inevitably succumbing to the honey-toned loveliness of Serbia’s Ana Ivanovic in round three.
Meanwhile, five-time champion Maria Sharapova, who breezed past several excessively muscular also-rans in the first week, scraped through to the quarter finals over her compatriot Alona Bondarenko. Sharapova forged an early lead with her searing blonde strokes but was pegged back by Bondarenko’s superbly tanned thighs and only won on a tie break after her orgasmic shriek was preferred to Bondarenko’s guttural moan. Sharapova then made the semi finals by outscoring Dominika Cibulkova in straight legs.
Many Prettiness observers have said that this could be the year of pony-tailed Danish stunner Caroline Wozniacki. However, some say that whilst Wozniacki has often flattered to deceive in brightly coloured clothing, her body simply does not suit the all-white dresses required to take Wimbledon. China’s Li Na is also not given much chance, and her recent victory in a French beauty tournament has been dismissed as a typically perverse French preference for skinny legs.
‘It’s anyone’s contest now,’ said renowned sports analyst Tim Henman, who happened to be in town to cover a mens’ sporting contest. ‘I quite fancy Jankovic, or Maria Kirilenko, or Jelena Dokic – actually I just fancy them all, to be honest. Except Simona Halep, obviously. I’m told she actually had a breast reduction so that she could play tennis better. Honestly, what was the silly mare thinking of?’
(hat-tip to pere floza)
Categories: Fake News
‘There are going to be deaths’ to become flagship government policy. More soon
More soon
Categories: Fake News
Oops I did Gove again, admits Britney Spears
Pop sensation and skimpy outfit aficionado Britney Spears has tacitly confessed to a long-standing, steamy affair with blancmange-faced cabinet minister Michael Gove. Long-time Britney fan Amy Armstrong said: ‘The whole reason Britney wants to end her conservatorship is so she can begin her conservativeship with Michael. She knows he’s toxic, but she’s just a slave 4 him.’
Armstrong added that she was furious about Gove’s ex-wife Sarah Vine’s eye-wateringly hypocritical request for privacy. ‘I’m Team Meghan as well as Team Britney,’ she said. ‘I’ll give her sorrow, sorrow sorrow sorrow…. hey Vine, if U seek Amy, I’m right here and I will fight you. Do you want a piece of me?’
In response to developments, the UK Government is to sharply increase funding for mental health as this makes it two separate women found to be sexually attracted to Michael Gove. ‘It just isn’t plausible.’ said psychiatrist Jodie Johnstone. ‘I know it’s Britney’s prerogative, but Gove is 100% the kind of guy who yawns just to sneak his arm around you. You wouldn’t even friend-zone him, just hit him baby one more time, right in his stupid face.’
Luke Lawrence, a nightclub bouncer near where Gove lives, said: ‘In the before times, when MG arrived at the club, he’d step out of his Benz dripping in diamonds and snow – straight from the Colombian mountain tops, if you know what I mean. I remember his purple fur cloak and emerald encrusted cane. Once enthroned in his VIP booth, he would settle down with a Peach Schnapps and make it rain PPE contracts. Those Gove Groupies – girls and boys – just lost their minds.’
‘Since Britney came in to his life, he’s different. It’s as if he was born to make her happy.’
Categories: Fake News
Football fan caught trespassing on Durham estate claims: ‘It’s Cummings’ home’. More soon
Categories: Fake News
New tasty fluoride snacks mean no one has to brush their teeth any more
Sugar-free, yet delicious little bites containing fluoride are coming to market this year, meaning the need to brush teeth or gargle mouthwash will be eliminated. Concerns that the food will have a minty flavour have been dismissed as immature, as fluoride itself doesn’t taste of anything. In addition, fluoride can be ingested with no harm to the body.
‘There are many different flavours with a wide range of mouthfeels,’ said Professor Amy Cardling, the developer of the fluoride treats. ‘We’ve got chocolate bars, biscuits, crisps and cakes, and next year, we’ll be launching ranges of drinks, including alcohol. This will bring an end to tooth decay for anyone who consumes our products regularly.’
Rival Professor, Laura Daintree from the Institute of Not Buggering About, responded: ‘Wonderful as all that sounds, the real Holy Grail of long-term tooth protection is getting our salivary glands to produce fluoride. Clinical trials have been very successful, and we are only 18 months away from being able to offer the minor, inexpensive medical procedure. And next we’re working on spunk which doesn’t taste salty.’
Categories: Fake News
We’re full now, insist fridges
Fridges don’t have room for any more cans or bottles, they have confirmed. Having been stocked up this morning to allow the beverages a chance to get cold, and then looked at every half hour to see if 20 x 275ml of liquid, plus 15 x 440ml of liquid, plus 4 x 750ml of liquid will be adequate for four adults, one of whom only drinks hot drinks anyway, for a two-hour time period on Wednesday.
Enthusiastic fridge stocker Dave Smith has been assessing the temperature of the under stairs cupboard and considering nipping to the supermarket for more supplies. Meanwhile in the fridge, the cottage cheese is squashed right at the back and thinking of leaking or freezing in protest, the half jar of gherkins is complaining about being overlooked for months and the lemon curd is looking sourly at the smug green Kronenburg 1664 interlopers.
Categories: Fake News
We’re going on a bar hunt
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! This bus looks busy. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to get on it! Scuse me Missis! Scuse me Mister! Scuse me, Scuse Me!
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! A queue outside the pub And it’s only 9am. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to wait in it! Stand and chatter. Stand and chatter. Stand and chatter
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! Contact details for trace and trace. We can’t go over it, We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to comply with it! Name and phone! Name and phone! Name and phone!
.We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! You have to use an app.We can’t get round it. We can’t avoid it. Oh no! We’ve got to go try and use it! Three bitters and a lager top! Three bitters and a lager top! Three bitters and a lager top!
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! A plastic screen and social distancing. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We can only look through it! Speak up I can’t hear you. Speak up I can’t hear you. Speak up I can’t hear you
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! A barman has appeared. Dressed tip to toe in PPE. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. We’ve got to put up with it! Thanks mate, we’ll sort em out. Thanks mate we’ll sort em out. Thanks Mate we’ll sort em out
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! Someone wanted nibbles too.Crisps, pork scratchings and dry roasted nuts.
We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. We’ve got to forget about it. I’ll remember next round. I’ll remember next round. I’ll remember next round
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! The beers warm. Warm and flat after three months in the cellar. And how do you drink it through a face mask anyway? And how do you drink it through a face mask anyway? And how do you drink it through a face mask anyway?
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Quick! Leave the drink on the table. Ignore social distancing. Delete the app. Tear up your contact details. Abuse the queue. Get a kebab on the way home
Get to our front door. Open the door. Up the stairs Uh-uh!
We forgot to shut the door. Back down stairs. Back upstairs. Into the bedroom Into the bed Under the covers. And before you go to sleep you promise yourself I’m never going on a bar hunt again.
theboyinthebubble
Categories: Fake News
