News Biscuit
Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science’
The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.
Johnson and Hancock’s valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’
A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s ‘doing the exact opposite’ research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:
– The ‘delay in taking any action whatsoever’ strategy
– The ‘not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy
– The ‘Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group’ strategy
– The ‘let’s go for herd immunity’ strategy
– The ‘don’t bother with facemasks’ strategy
– The ‘we’re not listening to the WHO’ strategy
– The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it’ strategy
– The ‘abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown’ strategy
– The ‘let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead’ strategy
The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn’t have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.
‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject’, said the spokseperson. ‘However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’
Categories: Fake News
Fears for life expectancy in Scotland triggered by Scottish Widows getting so much younger
Population forecasters are tinkling in their tighty whities. The clearest indication yet that life expectancy in Scotland is plummeting has sent shockwaves through the back of a fag packet totter community.
Experts in looking at women and assessing their relative ages examined Scottish Widows adverts over the past few decades and have declared that they are definitely getting younger. Professor Iain James explained, ‘We went back all of the way to the the 1980s and had a stab at guessing the ages of each Scottish Widow smirking knowingly in her black hooded cape.
‘What we found was shocking. Firstly, there was not one wrinkly old Scottish Widow with missing teeth in her 70s. There was one who might have been in her late forties, but her skin was as smooth as a plump haggis and her perfect white teeth glistened in the Glasgow rain.
‘But I’m afraid it gets much sexier. You can see that every few years each one is replaced with a younger model: Early forties; then late thirties; and by the 2010s she is early thirties, tops.
‘In the latest Scottish Widows advert she looks about 23. That can’t mean anything else other than the men they were married to are dying much, much younger than we had previously dared consider.
‘At these rates, we estimate the population of Scotland will be -17 in 2041.’
Categories: Fake News
Random story generator deployed at The Sun
It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse. Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:
A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.
Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].
[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”
We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.
Categories: Fake News
Alan Sugar under fire for bogus apprenticeship scheme
The employment practices of an Essex businessman were under the spotlight today, after investigators uncovered an elaborate scam being run from his Brentwood offices. Luring up to 18 recruits a year with the promise of £250,000, Alan Sugar, also known by the sinister sobriquet ‘Lord’, had been running a sham training programme for over 12 years. Newcomers worked unpaid for up to 3 months, forced to perform a series of demeaning tasks for Sugar’s personal gratification.
‘We first contacted Sugar after hearing that the search for his apprentice was continuing,’ reported David Peters, from the national fraud unit. ‘We suggested a 4-year Modern Apprenticeship to meet his needs. He seemed to have no idea about the new national qualifications framework and standards. He asked whether we were talking about a new public sector task planned for week 4, and whether our apprentice could ‘smell what sells’. He also assured us his training was accredited by the school of hard knocks and the University of Life, before hanging up.’
Suspicions aroused, Peters started to track Sugar using covert surveillance, 30 cameras, and a full symphony orchestra playing that well known bit from Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights.
Sugar proved elusive however, cleverly rotating his ‘apprentices’ around London townhouses, transporting them in separate chauffeur-driven black cars, and, in one notable episode, moving them to an antique shop in Northern France to avoid detection.
However, undercover police were able to gather slo-mo images of the workers striding purposefully across Millenium Bridge in business suits at 9 p.m. every Thursday on prime-time television. Together with surprisingly clear recordings of conversations about work tasks, shouted by the workers into a cell phone on speaker mode, a case against Sugar’s scam scheme was gradually built up.
‘This was no apprenticeship, just ritual humiliation, the effects of which will last a lifetime,’ noted Peters. ‘Spot checks at 5 a.m., required to parade for Sugar in tight-fitting Calvin Klein and Agent Provocateur underwear. That footage was, I have to say, tantalisingly brief. One particular worker was ordered to dress as a receptionist, and forced to repeat the phrase ‘Lord Sugar will see you now’, whilst the businessman pleasured himself behind a frosted glass screen. His henchmen, called simply ‘Claude’ and ‘Karen’, would stand guard, looking on impassively. Truly horrific.’
‘Self-centred, power hungry, a despicable individual,’ concluded Peters. ‘Enough about Katie Hopkins, though, this is about naming and shaming Sugar. Unfortunately, lowlife chancers like him inevitably turn up again, typically in professions where standards and ethics are much lower. Just look at Donald Trump.’
Categories: Fake News
Channel 4 apologizes as Grand Designs couple don’t overspend or get pregnant
A spokesman for Channel 4 has apologised profusely after thousands of viewers complained about the content of this week’s Grand Designs. Presenter Kevin McCloud, could be seen seething on camera as this week’s couple, Tarquin and Philomena Farquar-Slowly were seen to have planned everything down to the last detail and even had a contingency plan and emergency funds.
Their “grand design” a former railway water tower with the added twist of being rebuilt in a tree on the side of a former slag heap, using only reclaimed materials and local labour, and powered by their own urine, was a huge success.
One viewer told us, “I was devastated! They didn’t even have one blazing row where the man kicks something over and disappears for three weeks. The woman wasn’t even pregnant for the whole show and about to give birth any second, yet still managing to carry concrete slabs up a ladder. They even had the correct planning permission, FFS!!!! I feel cheated!”
Tarquin and Philomena did not have to spend the winter in a leaky caravan nor did they max out fifteen credit cards or have to give false details at B&Q. They did not go cap in hand to Philomena’s aunt, who hates Tarquin, or sell any of their family heirlooms, vehicles or bodily organs.
Kevin McCloud was unavailable for comment and is believed to be staying with friends.
Categories: Fake News
Wave down aeroplanes if you feel unsafe, Met tells women
Women should flag down an aeroplane if they feel unsafe during an arrest, according to the Metropolitan Police.
New guidance issued today suggests that any woman with doubts about the credentials of an arresting officer would be perfectly entitled to radio control “Mayday! Mayday!” into the cockpit of a passing Boeing 747 and await assistance.
Alternatively, every woman could carry equipment for a makeshift runway on their person at all times – including large cat’s eyes for the landing stage and two red flags. Any normal police officer would be more than happy to wait for them to set these up, rather than completing the arrest and/or assault.
“We’re close enough in London to two major airports that this idea is perfectly feasible,” said a source, “and not at all the panicked response of an organisation desperate to shift responsibility onto others.”
The Met has faced criticism for placing the onus on women to adapt their behaviour in the wake of male violence, rather than men. But, sources inside the most senior police body in the land insisted that any pilot diverting the course of their flight by 40,000ft to help a woman on the ground would clearly be adapting their behaviour significantly, and to please stop asking difficult questions.
“Yes, protecting women and excising police misconduct should be the role of the Met,” continued the source. “But, on the other hand, if women can keep themselves safe by gesticulating to an aircraft captain as he sets out on a long haul flight to New York, then who are we to stop them? It’s just common sense.”
Confirmed one woman, “When I have a jumbo jet bearing down on me from out of the clear blue sky, I’ll still feel safer than I would alone with a policeman.”
Categories: Fake News
Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist
A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.
Professor Tobias Dell said that within the next few years all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms where they will continue to exist in the primordial soup.
“Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located,” he told assembled scientists at an international geography conference.
“It’s a bit like the behaviour of, The Skeksis out of The Dark Crystal when they all felt some strange inexorable force drawing them back to the place of their creation.
“It’s my view, that by 2024, pretty much all of them will have been reduced to floating on the surface of the water gazing sightlessly at the sky, with absolutely no cognisance of the world around them.
“A bit like Young Conservatives in the hotel pool when they’re on holiday.”
A spokesman for the fiercely pro-Brexit, United Kingdom Independence Party, hit back furiously at the professor’s remarks.
“Primordial soup? Never! We only have good old proper British soup like oxtail or cockaleekie in my house!”
Categories: Fake News
Wind from Johnson’s arse will power every home in the UK
Addressing the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson has announced an ambitious plan that will see the endless flow of hot air and wind emanating from his bum-hole harnessed in a bid to supply the UK’s entire domestic electricity supply within ten years.
As ever when it comes to Mr Johnson’s sensational promises, hard details are in short supply, but it’s understood that from today onward he will eat only baked beans and hot spicy foods in a bid to build up initial reserves. One insider commenting off the record said, ‘The PM generates phenomenal amounts of wind wherever he goes so we hope he can deliver on his promise for once.’
Boffins are currently working on a sophisticated valve and detachable pipework system that will be inserted into Boris’s anus sometime next year. One wind expert commented, ‘With Mr Johnson undoubtedly being the nation’s biggest windbag it would be a shame to let this opportunity simply go to waste and disappear, as it were, on the breeze.’
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit is getting a face lift…and a tummy tuck
In the next few weeks, you will hopefully notice that NewsBiscuit has had a big makeover. This is partly out of necessity but mainly due to a mid-life crisis on the part of our editors.
For our loyal and undiscerning readers, you will find daily stories exactly where you expect them – at NewsBiscuit.com. However, we are launching a range of extra features – such as podcasts, caption competitions, annuals, etc. None of which, will be impacted by fuel shortages.
NewsBiscuit remains written by you, uncensored, non-profit and free to read.
Categories: Fake News
Levelling up: Boris moves entire North offshore
The whole North of England has been moved to a PO Box in the British Virgin Islands, it was confirmed today.
‘It’s the simplest way of levelling up’, said a government spokesman. ‘All northerner wages will cross the Atlantic, do the double Irish and circumnavigate the Channel Islands before hitting pockets. The only tax they’ll pay will be on Wetherspoons beer, pies and whippet insurance. Hardly any loss to the treasury, according to my mate Piers.’
However, some Conservatives expressed concern that the cost of public services for Redcar, Ribblesdale and Rotherham would fall on southern shoulders.
‘There’s an easy solution to that’, said a spokesperson for Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. ‘Stash the South in the Cayman Islands in a multilayered fund structure. Beyond that, Jacob reckons that if a wage-earner in Wokingham is stupid enough to lose his money to a Turkmen jumble sale scam that’s his lookout. He should have gone to a better school.’
Categories: Fake News
Tesla drivers overtake Audi drivers as the biggest pricks on UK roads
Thanks to the government-induced fuel shortage crisis, the ‘Tesla Tosser’ has overtaken the ‘White Van Thug’ and the ‘Audi Moron’ to become the most hated road user in the country.
Stories have been circulating in the press about Tesla drivers openly mocking people stranded in 15-hour queues for petrol or driving past in reverse, giving them the finger.
A sobbing Audi driver in Basildon who wished to remain anonymous said, ‘there was one bloke in front of me who’d queued for five hours in his Tesla. Then when it was his turn, he gets out his car, said he just remembered he don’t need petrol, creased up with laughter and drove off. Me and my mate were so shocked we had to stop fighting with a couple of electricians from Romford, and now I’m suffering from utter prick complex.’
A motoring organisation spokesperson Mark Kelly agreed: ‘They are utter pricks. Many of them have been pretending to run out of petrol and calling us up. As soon as we get to them, they say, ‘oh how silly of me, I quite forgot I don’t need petrol,’ and drive off. We caught one of them programming his car to play the Benny Hill theme when he pressed his horn. I hate them.’
‘We’ve all got our fingers crossed at the that the French carry out their threat and pull the plug on electricity supplies over the festive period.’
Categories: Fake News
Ironically early Christmas adverts just as annoying as the real thing
Ironic Christmas adverts that call attention to how absurdly early they are airing are just as irritating as the real thing, according to a highly scientific study.
These advertisements, which hit the public’s screens as early as the beginning of October, are shrouded in a thick layer of sarcasm, but in fact provoke the same enraged reaction in the viewer as a sincere ad would.
Encouraging people to get Christmas done early with a wink and a nudge, is no less obnoxious than a supermarket putting up its Christmas tree pre-Halloween, or a small child handing you her present list before the schools go back, scientists report.
“Self-awareness can only go so far,” said one angry couch potato. “Just because the ads themselves point out how early in the year it is, doesn’t mean I can accept hearing Noddy Holder and Bing Crosby before the leaves have turned brown. I’m still holding onto summer!”
Researchers warned that these adverts may contain knowing references to Halloween, bored teenagers rolling eyes at overexcited parents and unseasonal amounts of tinsel. The only known way to avoid the horror is to get off the sofa and venture outside into the mild autumn air.
“If you think this is bad, wait till we reach November,” the report concludes.
Categories: Fake News
Waitrose will unpack your ‘smug’ while you’re out
Waitrose is to test a delivery service which will allow customers to experience all their innate superiority over their neighbours, without any of the tiresome waving of artisan cheese under their nose. Instead, the driver will unpack your priggishness and gnocchi, while you can enjoy a night at the theatre or an introductory lute-making class.
Drivers will gain access to your property (via the servant’s entrance) and carefully unload your over-priced snobbishness, from bags made from recycled conceit. Just in case your neighbours are away, the driver will nail your shopping list to their door, using vintage cast iron nail and a gluten-free baguette.
The driver will wear a body camera, allowing envious locals to view your wondrous array of halloumi, charcuterie and ricotta – which are coincidently the names of your children. Even neighbour’s pets will be left impressed by your dog’s tinned tofu treats, accompanied by doggy crudités and avocado flavoured chorizo.
One shopper explained: ‘I’m obviously a better person, but I need you to know that as well. It’s not enough that I voted Remain and can name more than one type of mustard. Everyone needs to know their place – in my case, it’s plaice with pea purée, served asparagus and not a nectar point in sight’.
Categories: Fake News
Scrapping traffic light system will cause carnage, warns AA
Abandoning the UK’s traffic light travel system, in place since 1868, could put drivers at risk, says the leading motoring organisation.
Under the new rules, motorists won’t be required to stop anywhere. It means that fully vaccinated drivers will no longer have to pull over in red list cities such as Birmingham and risk being infected by a virulent local dialect.
Audi drivers such as Nigel Palmer, 43, from Bromley, broadly welcomed the move: ‘I’ll miss running red lights, of course, but it means we can still carry on not stopping at pelican crossings, even when there are kiddies about, which is great news.’
A government spokesman explained that the old system was not fit for purpose and was in dire need of an overhaul. ‘It was a highly confusing system. All that red, red and amber, amber, green nonsense just stopped hard-working people going about their business. It can now go back to Brussels, where it belongs.’
The President of the National Association of Cyclists didn’t see what all the fuss was about, simply asking: ‘What on earth are traffic lights?’
Categories: Fake News
“Celebrity HGV Driver” programme may solve government crisis
Major broadcasters plan to come to the aid of the government by tapping into an endless supply of celebs that will do simply anything to have their faces on TV again, by helping solve the country’s HGV driver shortage.
A plethora of has-beens have been taking the simplified HGV test, before showing their skills behind the wheel.
Producers of the programme have been tight lipped about the content, but have revealed that there were a few issues while filming. One hopeless celeb laughed as they delivered a tipper load of topsoil to a filling station on the M4. Another walked off the set after dropping some Toyota radiators at a Nissan factory. There was even a case of 20 tons of prime beef being delivered to a vegan wholesaler.
‘Some of the celebs seemed to struggle with the bastard gear changes of a Foden S20′, said one lorry driver, brought in as a consultant expert on the programme. ‘But those who got the Scania R420 just had a smug look on their faces – understandably so, its a dream of a ride.’
An ex model/reality star, who broke several of her nails fixing the sewerage extraction pipes to the pump of her clapped out Volvo F86, said the last straw came after she had not been supplied with pink protective gloves with a feathery trim. The unnamed star was last heard shouting the soon to be famous programme catchphrase: “I’m a celebrity, get me out of the layby on the A404!” .
Categories: Fake News
Leaves on line to be removed by dry ice and Legs & Co
Evoking a feel of 1970’s pyrotechnics, National Rail will be using dry ice to remove obstructions and introduce a song by Slade. It will also help conceal any rises in fares, through a mystical display of light, sound and share dividends.
The dry ice will make any leaves brittle but also cover up the transition between bands and the worst excesses of platform shoes. Rail firms had considered using other elements from Top of the Pops to clear the lines, but trials of DJ Jimmy Saville ended up clearing all the younger commuters, instead.
One driver explained: ‘It’s very exciting. As I approach the platform through the swirling mist, you don’t know if I’m the 7.52 from Paddington or Suzi Quatro’.
Categories: Fake News
Your new boss is too much to bear after just two weeks
After having given him the benefit of the doubt for a fortnight you have come to the conclusion that your new boss is definitely a moron and that now you will have to look for a new job.
You were hoping that he wouldn’t be, especially as he seemed to be ‘not a bad sort’ when he interviewed you along with that pointlessly bland HR woman who constantly referred to herself as the HR person. Sadly now your hopes have been dashed as you’d trust (call me) Andy’s judgment about as much as you’d trust a particularly intellectually challenged amoeba as your phone a friend on Millionaire.
Why? Well it’s mostly down to the endless stream of emails he sends out to you and the others in the team. He can’t form a cohesive sentence, his punctuation is dire and as for his spelling… does he ever check his spelling before hitting the send button?
The final straw came today when he sent this – ‘so from Monday and in line with our new lets all eat healthy policy the works’ canteen will no longer be serving sausage’s, chicken nugget’s or hash browns, as they have been pacifically identified as nonproductive foodstuff’s in the workplace.‘
The apostrophe abuse in that alone made you want to cry for mankind. For Jesus sake! This man earns three times what you do and he is obviously an idiot. How can you respect him?
Well it’s simple, you just can’t. So you’re tendering your resignation today.
Sausage’s? SAUSAGE’S??? Gaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
Categories: Fake News
Dinosaurs: asteroid “was good for them in the long-run”
The Dinosaurs eventually recovered and thrived after their culture was interrupted by “a large rock’s completely unnecessary decision to leave space and crash into Earth”, a government spokesperson claimed today.
“Sure, the dinos faced a temporary adjustment to less food, less sunlight and less being alive, » said the spokesperson, « but look at them now! They’ve never been more economically active! Have you seen how much Jurassic Park merch goes for?”
Thé spokesperson cited other examples of short term pain for long term gain, including Brexit, the hundred years’ war, the Black Death, and his mate Dave having to sit through a short speech by Grant Shapps before spending the rest of the evening in the Brew Dog.
Categories: Fake News