News Biscuit
iPhone user has ‘out-of-phone experience’ in-between operating systems
iPhone dependent Michael Potter has spoken of a bizarre ‘human-like experience’ today, when a delay in his download of iOS 7 to his iPhone 5 left him perilously exposed to the real world, with no operating system, for nearly 24-hours.
‘Normally I just stare at a wall from two-inches away with a blank expression in-between operating systems, but this time something different happened’, explained the now half-man, half-phone. ‘I discovered a world free of digital assistance, where friends are a physical reality. Although it turns out I don’t have nearly as many as my Facebook app suggests. I also discovered my mum passed away a couple of years ago. If only I had my bereavement app’.
Professor Robert Winston, who has based his latest studies around the dependency modern humans have on technology, said: ‘Out-of-phone experiences are very rare and can be extremely distressing and confusing. To find yourself in a tangible, 3D environment with no widgets available for assistance can be daunting, but, as in Michael’s case, it can sometimes prove quite enlightening’.
‘I feel free. Isn’t this sunset just beautiful?’, added Michael, who went for a long, inspiring walk along the seafront with a dog he didn’t realise he owned. ‘I don’t need an app to tell me when I need a shit anymore, I can just go whenever and wherever I want; like right now, if I want to. I don’t want my friends and family to worry; I’m adapting really well. Now, can anybody tell me how I charge this dog up?’
Categories: Fake News
Threat of third world war less feared than threat of ancient Greek poetry
Brits are pretty OK with the threat of a third world war, nuclear exchange, and the inevitability of mutually assured destruction. The important thing is that they have taken back control of their borders and whatever the other two were.
However, according to a poll conducted by leading finger-on-the-pulse polling organisation Polly McPollface, Brits are more concerned that they might be subjected to ancient Greek poetry than blinding flashes of light, million degree heat, and searing radioactive sickness.
One respondent told us, ‘Nuclear armageddon? Naah, won’t even wear a mask for that one, mate. What scares the crap out of me is that Boris might start reciting verses from ancient Greek poems. I mean, I like him and everything, and I’d vote for him no matter what, but you know what he’s like. He’s been waiting for this all of his life.
‘He’ll whip out a fat cigar quicker than you can say ‘oven ready’, exaggerate his hunch and utter the words we’ve all been longing for. You know the ones, ‘It is my great regret to inform you that we are at war…’ How brilliant would that be? That’s all we’ve ever wanted to hear, and why I pretended to support Millwall and organised a few Barneys in the 80s.
‘Now if I thought it would be that and a few lines about fighting on the beaches then, like him, I would be in hog heaven. But you just know that he won’t be able to help himself trot out the odd verse of ancient Greek. And that stuff don’t even rhyme. We didn’t take back control of our borders only to have that old foreign muck thrown at us.’
Categories: Fake News
Surplus UK vaccine to be loaded into super soakers
Although the majority of the third world is being devastated by the Covid pandemic, the UK government has decided that the people of Britain would rather we kept the shitload we over ordered for ourselves. Even the dodgy one that doesn’t work as well.
Some spokestwat for the government explained, ‘As poor foreign people die unnecessary agonising deaths across the globe, Boris and his chums felt that the only right and decent course of action was to not let them have one drop of vaccine.
‘Our finger right on the pulse of absolutely the entire peoplethings of Britain told us that what you all want is for the UK to stick two fingers up to everyone else and rub it in their faces.
‘Given that unshakeable truth, all of the excess vaccine we have will be poured into super soakers and we’re going to have a Great British end of summer epic water pistol battle down the park.’
Categories: Fake News
Lawyers to serve Prince Andrew papers, by hiding them on teenage girl
Frustrated by his attempts to avoid their couriers, a US law firm has decided the best way to lure Prince Andrew is to use bait – specifically 25% off at Pizza Express. They have also considered dressing the papers up as a young blonde or writing them in braille on the buttocks of a lingerie model.
Ninth-in-line to the throne, Prince Andrew is first-in-line to get sued in New York. Explained one lawyer: ‘We considered turning the papers into an edible bra for a Playboy model – but we hear he prefers pizza’.
The Prince lists his titles as KG, GCVO, CD, ADC but the court just lists him as AWOL. They may have to try Habeas Corpus, which literally means ‘you shall have the body’ – which allegedly is what got the Prince into trouble in the first place.
Categories: Fake News
Man washes neighbour’s car after being jokily asked to
The play book of social norms was ripped up into pieces today after a man washing his car took up his neighbour on the jokey aside that ‘you can wash mine after you’ve finished yours’.
Peter McBride made the throwaway comment after coming out of his front door, seeing Mike next door waxing his Nissan Qashqai, and realising he had little else to say to him.
‘Next thing I know he was knocking at the door saying he had a spare half hour, asking for the keys to my Astra and did I want the interiors vacuuming too’, said a flustered McBride. ‘I don’t want him anywhere near my pride and joy. It was just weird.’
‘The ‘you can do mine after you’ve finished yours’ is a timeless bit of small talk, simultaneously designed to close off further conversation whilst acknowledging the effort being undertaken to keep their property in better nick than your own’ , said David Davidson, Professor of Social Niceties. ‘It works particularly well with creosoting fences, trimming hedges and of course cleaning windows, the latter inevitably preceded by the quip ‘you’ve missed a bit’.
McBride is said to be looking forward to the clocks going back next month so he can revert to his ‘the nights are drawing in, aren’t they’, one-liner for the next few months.
Categories: Fake News
British TV British Legally British Required to be British
The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.
Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.
New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.
Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.
BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.
Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’
Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’
Categories: Fake News
‘Windows 11? I’ve barely mastered Windows 95′ complains man.
News that Microsoft plan to update their operating system, has caused widespread panic among those who struggle to tell the difference between a PC and gramophone. Particularly those who think the ‘Start Menu’ is what you order from before your Main arrives.
Jake Kalpar (49) has been particularly tense since the announcement: ‘I phoned my sister and she said Windows in the area were upgrading and I just assumed she meant double-glazing. 64-bit? I don’t even know what the other 63 bits are. And DirectX sounds like a hyperlink to a p$rn site’.
‘When did we start calling everything an App? Why is everything in tiles? What’s wrong with a list, a normal list? I’ve got a OneDrive? But it’s in a cloud? What? A cloud? For the love of God, I just want to copy some clip art – is that too much to ask? Where is spellcheck now?’
‘Can I help you?’ asked Cortana.
‘Who the f$ck said that?!?’ replied Jake.
Categories: Fake News
‘Windows 11? I’ve barely mastered Windows 95′ complains man.
News that Microsoft plan to update their operating system, has caused widespread panic among those who struggle to tell the difference between a PC and gramophone. Particularly those who think the ‘Start Menu’ is what you order from before your Main arrives.
Jake Kalpar (49) has been particularly tense since the announcement: ‘I phoned my sister and she said Windows in the area were upgrading and I just assumed she meant double-glazing. 64-bit? I don’t even know what the other 63 bits are. And DirectX sounds like a hyperlink to a p$rn site’.
‘When did we start calling everything an App? Why is everything in tiles? What’s wrong with a list, a normal list? I’ve got a OneDrive? But it’s in a cloud? What? A cloud? For the love of God, I just want to copy some clip art – is that too much to ask? Where is spellcheck now?’
‘Can I help you?’ asked Cortana.
‘Who the f$ck said that?!?’ replied Jake.
Categories: Fake News
Man who was never mis-sold PPI demands compensation
‘My neighbour claimed for PPI, and he got £13000. His cousin got £12000. Me – I didn’t get a penny,’ complained Bruce Aldridge today. ‘I never fell for that PPI shit – first they tried pre ticking the box, I always spotted that, then they did the dirty little trick where they left the box empty, but you had to tick it to opt out. Sneaky, but it never caught me out,’ he added.
Bruce is fuming that he’s being penalised for being aware of the scams banks were playing. ‘I could have let them mis-sell to me and I’d be loaded now, but because I’ve been careful I’m the only person in my group who can’t afford to go on holiday next year. Bruce is campaigning for compensation for those who didn’t get mis-sold PPI. ‘There must be dozens like me,’ he said today.
Categories: Fake News
Drug dealers concerned customers are unsure of imperial measurements
A spokesman for the National Union of Drug Dealers has expressed concerns that customers and pushers will not understand imperial measurements when changes come into force.
“We’ve always dealt in grams”, Spider Harris told our reporter. “The customers will have no idea how much to buy and, to be quite honest, I’m not sure many of my members will either.”
“It’ll be the ruin of us. A one gram wrap for £20 will now be a 0.035 ounce wrap. We’re gonna need new scales. My employees won’t be able to quickly work out grams to ounces by dividing current wraps by 28.364. Most of them didn’t go to school, if they’d got maths GCSE, they wouldn’t be working for me, would they?”
A spokesman for Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, released a statement saying the PM was concerned for the future of the trade and that the Department for Work and Pensions is looking into an advertising campaign, credit card sized conversion charts, new scales and extra training for dealers at this difficult time.
Categories: Fake News
Anti-vaxxer stays healthy, frustrating social media users hoping for ironic death
Yikes
Categories: Fake News
National Curriculum to include long division of gallons pints and fluid ounces
.
Categories: Fake News
Unattended PM on nursery school visit eats crayons and smears own faeces on face
Prime Minister Boris Johnson was momentarily left unattended during a visit to a nursery school. In the space of a few minutes he had eaten all of the crayons and entered the faeces smearing stage.
His handler said, ‘All of these visits to schools and playgroups and nursing homes are our way of getting him the care he needs at the expense of the state. Donors used to fork out for his playpen and bouncer and things like that which were disguised as Number 10 flat decoration expenses. But they’re refusing to stump up for the professional help he requires, so we have to plan his week very carefully to cause the minimum disruption to the country.
‘Can you imagine if we actually left him in charge of something important, even for a minute? Hah! Doesn’t bear thinking about, does it? No, it’s a very important role I fulfil, and extremely stressful. The other week I caught him trying to stuff a toy bus into Larry’s anus. If I wasn’t watching him 24/7 then he’d probably do something unimaginably off the scale batshit like give nuclear weapons to Australia.
‘To be honest though, it’s not as hectic as looking after the Cabinet in my wider remit as Wrangler of Ministers. Turn your back for two minutes and they’re swinging off the curtains, building cushion forts under the cabinet office table, pulling Liz Truss’s hair and forming national policy at a level which would make your average five-year-old sick up his cheese strings.’
Categories: Fake News
Richard Curtis new rom-com about turd stuck down toilet of luxury apartment
Richard Curtis, writer of such rom-com classics like ‘Notting Hill’, ‘About Time and ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral’, has revealed that his next movie will centre around a woman dropping an unflushable log down the toilet of her date’s luxury apartment along the South Bank.
The shooting of the movie is almost complete with Hugh Grant reprising his role as a bumbling upper-class twit, who at first is amusingly unable to deal with the situation of having a shit the size of a brick stuck down his loo.
Four Weddings and a Funeral cast member Andie McDowell, who will be playing Grant’s love interest in the movie, is said to have signed up to the role within minutes of reading the script. ‘She couldn’t turn it down,’ said an industry insider. ‘Scripts as polished as this come along once in a lifetime.’
One of the directing team explained that the floating turd is a metaphor for the world we live in. ‘We are living in a world that is going through a pretty shit time at the moment, but at the end of the day love conquers all.’
Without wanting to give too much away, he continued ‘One of my favourite moments in the movie is when McDowell’s character turns to Grant’s character and says, “is it still there, I hadn’t noticed.” And that’s the whole premise of the movie, no matter how hard it tries shit can never come between love.’
Another insider concluded: ‘It’s basically a story about a shit looking up from the toilet watching a boy and girl fall in love’. He also confirmed he was working on the sequel, where Hugh Grant’s character fishes the turd out with huge comedic effect, titled ‘Glove, Actually’.
NaffLaff, hat-tip chrisf
Categories: Fake News
Metric martyrs chain-ed in a bushel and peck-ed furlong time
Supermarket shelves may be empty, but that zero may need no longer be measured in metric.
Greengrocer Bob Bridlington says he once served 10 years in an EU maximum security prison for using imperial measurements, adding: ‘I deliberately cannot understand that 1000 grams is 1 kilogram. I prefer 16 drachms per ounce, 16 ounces per pound, then inexplicably 14 pounds per stone. Then 112 pounds per hundredweight, as God intended. We should ban apostrophe’s too because it feels European and I forget not to use them for plural’s.’
Scientist Shelley Stevenson asked ‘5 fluid ounces per gill, but 4 gills per pint. 3 barleycorns per inch but also 22 yards per furlong. What? Do I have to buy black market beakers now?’
A Tory strategist noted ‘Michael Gove is converting his cocaine order as we speak. Also, there’ll be more Olympic medals for Team GB because yards are shorter than metres, so we’ll have a head start.’
Categories: Fake News
Cabinet reshuffle is ‘top trolling’
The disbelief provoked by the recent reshuffle, is said to be evidence that this was a clear attempt to spark outrage and give Twitter users an embolism. A Downing Street source confirmed that Boris was just doing it ‘for the bantz’.
Rumours persist that originally Gavin Williamson was to be replaced with an egg plant but no one noticed. While appointing Nadine Dorries as Culture Secretary, is the political equivalent of poking a hornet’s nest and then for an encore shoving your thumb up an alligator’s butt.
Meanwhile the chairs on the Titanic objected to the tired analogy that Boris was simply rearranging the furniture on a sinking ship. Said one chair: ‘If anything we were killing time before an inevitable icy death, but with Boris it will be so much worse’.
Boris is considering staying on as Prime Minister, but that is just what a wind-up-merchant would say.
Categories: Fake News
Courtroom artist’s rendition of defendant stunningly accurate
Readers of the Daily Express and the Daily Mail were able to recognise the picture of Danny “Fingers” O’Toole drawn by Sarah Robinson during cross-examination at the Old Bailey.
“Blimey, it’s the dead spit of him,” claimed Nosher Curtains of Bexley Heath.
Asked how she achieved such a fine likeness Sarah replied, “Well, I did study life drawing at the Slade. At first I thought that the sketches were meant to be unintelligible to protect the identity of those in the courtroom. But the Usher told me that was not the case. So I let my natural abilities have free rein.”
Why, therefore are most sketches so bad? “Dunno, really. Maybe other artists want to get the reputation as the Francis Bacon of the court scene”.
Categories: Fake News
‘Moths are idiots’ scientists confirm
David Rogers, professor of futile entomology at Anthea Turner College Cambridge today published the results of his exhaustive seventeen year study into the uselessness of the common moth.
‘This is my life’s work. Over 2000 pages of analysis and statistics, comprehensively peer reviewed and submitted to the Royal Society which we believe proves, without doubt, that moths are a right bunch of dicks.
I mean, they fly into my bathroom at night because they think the light is somehow the moon. What’s that all about?, It’s nothing like the moon. It’s much smaller for a start.
And why are they so obsessed with the moon anyway? They’re never going to make it. And even if they did, there’s fuck all for a moth to do up there anyway. Honestly, set of furry faced wankers the lot of them.’
Asked about his next research project, Rogers explained, ‘We think we’re either going to look at whether wasps are a bit tetchy or if Boris Johnson is a clueless oaf. That one probably won’t take seventeen years though.’
Categories: Fake News
Imports of red tape cut by increased border bureaucracy
Finally fulfilling a promise made during Brexit and subsequent election campaigns, the amount of red tape in the UK has fallen by over 90% following delays to red tape imports caused by increased bureaucracy at the border. Stationery and art stores around the country have warned that a winter shortage in supplies will have a catastrophic affect on the number of bows around Christmas presents this year.
Although the fishing industry is on its knees, the promised £350 million a week cheque for the NHS is still in the post and the oven-ready deal is no more than an empty pack of unpicked frozen peas, the government have been celebrating the cut in red tape as “promises made, promises kept despite our best efforts to screw it all up”.
Nadine Dorries – newly appointed Minster for Flags, Farage and Gareth Southgate – indicated that the massive increase in paperwork, time and checks at the border were a small price to pay for the promised cut in red tape.
“We said from the very beginning that we got all of our red tape from the EU, and surprisingly we weren’t lying” a spokesperson for Dorries added. “Apparently 200 tonnes a year. Now we have more forms to fill in than the PM’s annual child maintenance assessment, most of it is stuck in Calais along with other unimportant things like food, medicine and a family of four who have been waiting in an immigration queue since February”.
Categories: Fake News