News Biscuit
Cast of It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum to take charge of petrol crisis.
After announcing that the army is to help resolve the fuel crisis, Grant Shapps, has confirmed that the concert party from 1970s BBC sitcom It Ain’t Half hot, Mum will be taking an active role.
The fact that most of the cast have now died does not seem to be of any concern to Mr Shapps, who is convinced that they are the best men for the job. The Royal Artillery Concert Party, will be responsible for the logistical planning and delivery of fuel to service stations all over the country, whilst simultaneously providing entertainment for queueing motorists.
A new version of the song “Meet the Gang” will be played on giant screens on the forecourts. La De Dah Gunner Graham will play piano while Melvyn Hayes, dressed as Greta Garbo, will soothe angry customers by dancing seductively around them with a feather boa and winking seductively.
Holograms of Don Estelle and Windsor Davies will sing a new version of their 1975 hit, “Whispering Grass”, now titled “Rationing Gas”, with Davies occasionally asking motorists “to show them lovely shoulders”.
A Labour spokesman claims the idea was stolen from them, citing the successful scheme last year when the cast of Are You Being Served delivered truckloads of pasta and toilet rolls to most of the UK’s major supermarkets.
Categories: Fake News
You can return to the office- you just won’t have the petrol to get home
Reports suggest that fuel shortages are part of a wider strategy to ensure the UK’s workers remain at their desks. Other policies to ensure you stay at work include hiding your shoes, locking all the doors and putting superglue on your keyboard.
A government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Petrol rationing will allow you to get into the office, but no further. Once you’ve arrived, large elastic bands will be tied to the back of your vehicle. Your tires will be let down. And we’ll be hurling your car keys into a nearby canal.’
To stop workers demanding flexible working hours, the government is bringing in inflexible travel conditions: ‘Ever wondered why offices have their lights on at night, it’s to fool you into thinking it’s still daytime. A shortage of petrol? After sleeping in office for a week, I’d be more worried about a shortage of socks’.
Categories: Fake News
Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw
As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.
“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”
The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.
“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”
Categories: Fake News
Army to machine-gun turkeys to help avert Christmas shortage
Following news that the army has been drafted in to deliver fuel to resolve supply issues at UK forecourts, it has emerged that the army will also be used to help prevent a shortage of Christmas turkeys by massacring the birds with machine-gun fire.
Farmers have warned that a turkey shortage is on the Christmas cards due to visa changes, allowing recruitment from abroad, coming too late. The idea of sending in the army to help assuage problem came to the Prime Minister when actioning a memo to deliver another raft of swingeing cuts to the military.
Head of the British Army, General Ignatius Fortesque-Smythe said the ideas was, “Top drawer.”
“My boys will attend poultry farms up and down the country and give each of the birds five rounds-rapid. That’ll show the feathery blighters.” Enthused the General. “We could even set up specialist platoons known as the Turkhas who will help us save Christmas this year but can then be treated appallingly for many years to come.
“We also have the option of calling in air strikes from the RAF, a nice dose of napalm would cater for all those lazy oiks who like their Turkey pre-cooked. Or alternatively, using modern methods, they could kill two birds with one drone, thought that might take longer.”
Labour have warned that the move could put unnecessary strain on dentists over the festive period with bullets found in turkey breasts damaging revellers’ teeth. The profession already struggles with Christmas workloads, mainly due to the toffee penny in boxes of Quality Street.
The government are also said to be giving thought to supplying each UK household with a festive sledgehammer for help with cracking their Christmas nuts…
Categories: Fake News
Ventnor man fails to acknowledge acknowledgement of traffic courtesy
Isle of Wight police were last night trying to track down a motorist who failed to acknowledge a local man’s acknowledgement of the other driver’s previous acknowledgement of his thoughtful act whilst driving.
The incident took place at around 3pm in St Martin’s Way, Ventnor. Local driver Trevor Blake, who had been heading east in his Kia Picanto when he saw a large saloon approaching from the opposite direction, said: ‘There was a removal van parked on my side, so I pulled to a brief stop in order to let the other driver pass. It was nothing really, it just made sense at the time. The other driver raised his hand in acknowledgement – I believe we also made eye contact – and I lifted I think four fingers off the steering wheel to indicate that I’d seen and appreciated his acknowledgement.’
And that’s when the trouble started. ‘I kept an eye out for the response to my expression of thanks for his gratitude, which was heartfelt and genuine, but there was nothing. He effectively blanked me. Even when we were side by side, when he had plenty of opportunity to give a friendly wave or even wind down the window to convey his appreciation verbally, perhaps with a cheery admonition to enjoy my day, he just stared resolutely ahead. I was shaking with rage. At the next safe stopping place I used my mobile telephone to contact the police.’
At a hastily convened press conference, Chief Superintendent Nick Hampton of the Isle of Wight police said that, while acknowledgements of acknowledgements of acknowledgements of driving courtesies weren’t a legal requirement in most of the UK, the law was different in the Isle of Wight. ‘The process of giving thanks for thanks can continue for many hours in the polite roads and avenues around the island. We completely understand Mr Blake’s sense of loss and we have officers with him now assuring him that our search for the culprit will continue for as long as it takes. Mr Blake thanked us for our efforts, and our officers in turn thanked him for drawing the matter to our attention. Mr Blake then kindly acknowledged our response, and I believe the officers are currently expressing their appreciation of Mr Blake’s recognition of our efforts.’
With that, the press conference drew to a close. The Chief Inspector thanked the members of the press for turning up at such short notice. ‘No, thank YOU,’ said one.
Categories: Fake News
Every Christmas to be ‘saved’ by Boris ad infinitum
Downing Street insiders have confirmed that Britain is to be subjected to an avoidable crisis every Autumn so that Boris can continue to ‘save’ Christmas for the nation.
“It’s a new Christmas tradition”, explained a Conservative spokesman. “The Victorians gave us trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution. The modern Conservative Party has added Boris Rescue to the traditions, while continuing with trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution.
“Boris and Father Christmas are already confused in people’s minds. We’ve developed artwork for a Santa with unruly blond hair and an erection. Instead of leaving mince pies and carrots by the fireplace we’re asking people to leave their teenage daughters. Could Boris impregnate them all in one night? Possibly – it’s only be a slight increase on his usual pace”.
Children will continue to write letters to Santa, though instead of toys they should ask for food.
Next year’s crisis is still at the planning stage. Civil servants are drawing up plans to have all the turkeys abducted, though they would welcome suggestions from the public.
“The ideal crisis is something entirely foreseeable and manageable, which we can somehow make 1,000% worse through a combination of poor communication and ministerial cretinism”, the spokesman explained. “It’s an inversion of the traditional role of government, which hitherto has been to make things better for the nation”.
News editors have welcomed the plan, as it will relieve the tedium of having to make up a headline once a year.
Categories: Fake News
Traumatised shopper forced to use Lidl
A customer was left distraught after trying to complete their weekly grocery shop in a discount retailer instead of their usual supermarket due to the hordes of people waiting to fill up their cars. Mrs Hart decided that, rather than wait patiently in the queue to get into Sainsbury’s, she would shop in Lidl in order to give herself enough time to get to her pilates class later that morning. She now regrets that decision.
‘Before going in, I tried to make myself look working class by putting on the hi-vis waistcoat that I always carry in my Yaris in case of a breakdown’, explained Mrs Hart. ‘But I stood out a mile amongst all the horrid women in leggings that really shouldn’t be wearing leggings with their figures’.
Even accepting that she would probably be unable to get her usual superfood salads and kale-flavoured couscous, Mrs Hart was nevertheless disappointed that she was unable to discuss the relative merits of Iberico ham and prosciutto di Parma with the deli counter staff, primarily because there wasn’t a deli counter.
‘I saved quite a lot of money compared to my usual household bill but only because I couldn’t lower myself to buying pies instead of chicken and ham en croute, or pasta in tomato sauce instead of penne con pomodoro e basilico’, said Mrs Hart. ‘Some people might think they’re the same thing but my usual food emporium assures me that I’d be able to taste the difference’.
Categories: Fake News
NASA rover discovers Starbucks on Mars
NASA’s Perseverance rover has discovered a Starbucks coffee shop on the surface of Mars, in the clearest indication yet that the red planet has been home to life willing to pay ridiculous prices for hot drinks.
“This is a startling discovery that proves Mars has hosted life. And not just any life, but life intelligent enough to take a cup of coffee, give it a fancy name and charge an extortionate price for it in order to exploit less intelligent life.” said Ken Farley, chief scientist for the project.
“Unfortunately this may well be where our mission ends, as Perseverance, in an attempt to secure samples, purchased a Venti caramel java chip frappuccino and a small chocolate brownie, pushing us massively over budget.”
A spokesman for Starbucks explained that, while they were not personally aware of the company having locations on other planets, the news was not a surprise.
“Perseverance landed on Mars around seven months ago. In line with our aggressive expansion policy I would expect at least one or two new stores to have opened up there in that time. The only real shock is that it has taken this long for it to find one.”
Shortly after discovering Starbucks the rover also sent back images of a Costa, McDonald’s and four separate Subway stores.
Categories: Fake News
Gym advertises for fat bloke to talk b*@locks in the sauna
An Edinburgh gym and spa club is looking to recruit an over-opinionated morbidly obese man to talk complete shit in the sauna, steam room and Jacuzzi after the previous incumbent retired.
The post is being advertised with an annual salary of £25K though the successful candidate will be expected to tell fellow sauna users that he earns at least 10 times that amount and lives in a big house in the same street as JK Rowling.
‘Ideally we’re looking for someone with previous experience of sitting in a high-temperature environment wearing only a towel or a pair of Speedos pontificating loudly about Brexit, Trump, Nicola Sturgeon and whatever else comes to mind’ says Aquarius Gym & Spa manager Fenton Barnes.
‘The chap that held the post previously, ‘Big Davie’, was with us for 15 years and retired last month because he wanted to spend more time talking bollocks to his family. He’s left behind some pretty big trunks to fill’.
Club member Frank Hughes says ‘Big Davie’ is being sorely missed.
‘It’s just not the same going into the sauna and Davie not being there taking up half the bench and talking loudly about how we’ve got our country back before loudly slamming the door behind him’, says Hughes.
‘I don’t mind telling you that there were grown men with tears rolling down their cheeks. Though it could just have been sweat, it gets quite hot in there’.
Categories: Fake News
Panicked Kier Starmer stockpiling Labour members
Sir Kier Starmer is stockpiling Labour members after fears of a leadership shortage in the party.
Reports of a lack of leadership in the party have circulated for a couple of years, but the shortage is said to have reached crisis point, with sources suggesting that the Labour leader has turned to storing his own supplies in a large venue in Brighton.
However, sceptics have suggested that the crisis is manufactured. “In fact, there is plenty of leadership in the Labour Party”, said one insider. “Leaders of the hard left faction, the moderate left faction, the centrist faction, the neo-Blairite faction, Momentum, the moderate right faction and loads of trade union leaders.”
“People also talk about there being a shortage of an effective opposition at the moment and that is nonsense as well,” the party insider added. “Most of these factions oppose each other – in fact, many of them actually oppose Sir Kier’s leadership”.
The news comes as a blow, on the back of widely publicised shortages of policies within the Labour Party. Whilst many brilliant, revolutionary policies are reported to exist, they frustratingly remain sealed and locked securely in air-tight containers, stacked up in a far-distant warehouse in La-La Land.
“It’s all about blockages in the supply chain”, said one insider. ” Policies keep getting stuck in the party bureaucratic machinery, and there’s no-one competent enough to present them to to an enraptured public at conference anyway, in order for us to inevitably complete a massive landslide victory in the next general election”.
Political experts urged members of the public to remain calm, and that they expect the supply of Labour members around the UK and policies to normalise somewhat over the coming days, as Starmer’s leadership continues to stagger slowly along.
StanleyMizaru and Titus
Categories: Fake News
First rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don’t talk about Labour Party Conference
Someone found out there was a thing called a Labour Party Conference taking place. But it was completely accidental and only when their usual Brighton hotel shagpit was double booked as a storage room for sixty boxes of hard-hitting misspelled leaflets.
Hot on the case of what this mysterious event was all about, we sent an undercover investigative journalist to infiltrate the conference. Using a secret code developed at Luton College of Strings and Things, this report was filed hidden in a series of beautifully crafted but highly inedible angel cakes. Many Bothans completely survived unscathed to bring us this information:
Apparently, the first rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don’t talk about Labour Party Conference. The second rule of Labour Party Conference is that it’s probably OK to talk about Labour Party Conference because most people zone out the moment they hear the word Labour. The third rule of Labour Party Conference is that you wedge an axe through the handles of the double doors, and ignore the very existence of the general voting public outside and everything they think.
It appears to be profoundly important that Labour people have this massive pointless slagging match, until there is just one husk of a person left standing. It is then the job of that one bedraggled person to oppose government, get the last feeble Labour message out to the entire UK public, and somehow convince voters that Labour still exist as a political entity come the next election.
But rather than use their last remaining energy to hold the Conservative Party to account, the eighty third rule of Labour Party Conference is that the last person standing has to argue against themselves about whether they should argue against themselves.
On the face of it, it seems like an awful lot of effort for no gain whatsoever. But leading left wing strategists have strokeybeard hypothesised that this might be an extremely clever way of absolutely ensuring that the Labour Party always takes an insignificant position on anything voters might be interested in.
Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone this. Or do. Makes no odds either way.
Categories: Fake News
“I’m not panic buying, I’m filling up while I can” says panic buyer
A motorist queueing to fill his already three quarters full tank has slammed panic buyers, while insisting he is simply taking the sensible precaution of filling up while he can, because of all the panic buying.
“With all of this panic buying going on I don’t know when my local fuel station will have diesel again, so thought I should top up now.” said Wayne Riley, without a trace of irony.
“Sure I’m not planning on doing any long journeys, I work from home, have Tesco deliver my shopping and travel an average of fifteen miles per week, but you never know do you?” continued Riley, who is definitely not one of these selfish people needlessly rushing out to buy fuel.
“It really knocks your faith in humanity when you see how everybody is just ‘me, me, me’ at the first sign of a problem.” he concluded, while filling a third jerry can and putting it in the boot alongside the hundred toilet rolls that are still there from last spring.
Categories: Fake News
Chutney Use Risen Alarmingly In Men Over Sixty
The use of chutney by men over sixty has reached epidemic proportions recently with many reporting using half a jar in a week. Chutney experts warn that at this time of year the British Isles are flooded with the tangy sticky temptation. Appearing at harvest festivals and presented as a treat in Christmas hampers it’s hard for those who want to say no to the spiced sauce that often appears innocuously in a little jar under a gingham hat.
Self-confessed chutney aficionado Don Brown spoke to us about his long term heavy chutney habit and how he got started. “I was about fifty-five, which is a common age for men to get interested in chutney. We were at a farmer’s market and there were free samples of tomato chutney and red onion chutney on crackers so I had a nibble and I said to our Marjory “That’d be just the ticket with a bit of cheese, what do you think?” and the farmer whose crackers I was nibbling looked hopeful and so we bought a jar of the red onion. All the way home I was wishing I’d bought the tomato too, I think I was hooked from the start to some degree”.
Asked for her opinion Marjory commented “It’s hard to find room in the fridge with all the half used jars of chutney. As you know, no-one ever finishes a whole jar of chutney, instead at the half way point they open a different one for a new thrill. We’ve got seven jars on the go! Nowadays he puts it on everything, without even tasting it first. My sticky toffee pudding is not in need of anything extra when I bring it to the table”.
Don replied “Stop pretending we eat at the table just because we’re being interviewed, we eat in front of the telly so we don’t miss Bargain Hunt on those nice lap trays with chickens on we got in Bourton On The Water”.
Marjory told us that it was when Don went to an allotment shop in the next county that she realised he might have a problem. Don was unable to comment, he’d been distracted reading online reviews of hot gooseberry chutney and was considering a trip to a supermarket that wasn’t their usual to score some.
Categories: Fake News
PM blames expanding universe for empty supermarket shelves and petrol shortage
Boris Johnson has denied that Brexit or the coronavirus are to blame for shortages in supermarkets and at petrol stations, instead he said it was due to the universe expanding.
“Look folks, he’s just following the science,” a spokesperson for the PM said. “Boris knows that the universe is expanding at an estimated rate of 82.4 kilometres per second per megaparsec, which, as he has pointed out numerous times to everyone, means that everything in it is gradually moving further apart.
“Boris has concluded that while there is exactly the same amount of goods on supermarket shelves than before Brexit or the pandemic, the gaps between them have got bigger which makes it look like the shelves are empty.”
The Prime Minister has been able to use his dubious grasp of scientific facts, which first emerged during his handling of the coronavirus pandemic, to explain the current petrol crisis.
“Boris would like everyone to know that there is plenty of petrol at the refineries”, continued the spokesperson, “but it is obviously taking us longer to get it to the pumps, as, once again thanks to our old friend the ever expanding universe, they are now further away from each other – quod erat demonstrandum!”
The spokesperson added that it also meant that there was an increase in demand from drivers as they were having to drive further to reach destinations.
“So, there you have it,” Johnson’s spokesperson said. “All down to science, ergo not Boris’s fault or due to piss poor planning by his government.”
When asked to comment on the Prime Minister’s remarks, Sir Patrick Vallance, the government’s chief scientific adviser, is said to have replied with a strange kind of quiet sobbing noise.
Categories: Fake News
EU Apple device users outraged at plans to give same charger as everyone else
Apple users in the EU were today outraged by plans to force them to use the same USB-C charging cables as the ordinary Windows or Android user. “We are used to a cooler, more ergonomic, slicker form of electricity” said Ambroos, 26, from Amsterdam. “And what if Android users want to borrow my charger? What can I say?” She asked.
Apple are said to be developing designs to comply with the regulations, but the Apple chargers and sockets will be retained in new models alongside the new ones. A spokesman said: “There will be a USB-C port in the centre of the back of the case, covered by a flap. The flap will open only when you push a button on an app which will be free to download to a linked Apple phone. This action will also purchase for you a new Apple charger, unless you disable this feature in settings.”
Categories: Fake News
Priti Patel welcomes opportunity to deport people on Christmas day
The government’s temporary visa plan has been welcomed by the Home Secretary, it has been reported.
A spokesperson for Ms Patel explained; “Her instinct is to keep all foreigners out of Britain – she still remembers the look on her parents’ faces when the border police escorted them to the the airport – so she was cautious about the temporary visa scheme when she first heard about it. But when they told her the visa expires on Christmas Eve, she had a vision of of festive police vans arriving outside people’s homes on Christmas morning that gave her a smile she hasn’t lost yet.”
Categories: Fake News
Covid test gazebo attains listed status
Historic England, the government agency responsible for maintaining lists of Harry and Meghan’s residencies, have awarded a gazebo at Bolton’s Covid-19 test centre Grade 1 listed status.
Grade 1 listed buildings are of exceptional national interest, and it was deemed the Bolton test gazebo should qualify. It satisfied the criteria by its huge number of visitors, its significance historically, and through calamitous mismanagement; now being the only functional test centre remaining in England.
Joanne Nolan, a spokesperson for the agency, explained: “This is the first time a temporary structure has been given protected status. I cannot understate the historical importance of the Bolton gazebo. It has become a key battleground in the futurely-historic war against Covid-19. David Starkey is filming there, right now, with a film crew.”
An overview on the Historic England website indicates the gazebo’s prestige: ‘Attendants bloom in hi-viz yellow. Socially distant punctuations upon a desolate concrete landscape evoke a reflective dystopian twist of Wordsworth’s daffodils. No toilets on site.’
Councillor Derek Tattersall, summed-up the implications for the town: “We’ve got big plans to jazz-up the place. It’ll our lockdown Lourdes.”
Categories: Fake News