News Biscuit
Man with a large collection of online, money off vouchers is accused of tokenism
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Categories: Fake News
#TakeBackControl means ‘please come back at double the price’, Government confirms
The British Government has confirmed the underlying message of the flagship #TakeBackControl message to Vote Leave was that foreign workers should leave the UK then return to the UK for higher wages.
Critics of British immigration policy had previously contended that European visa conditions allowed European workers to undercut British ones, thereby leading to pervasive unemployment among ‘indigenous Brits’.
However, post-Brexit labour statistics have suggested a different view. But the British Government has now acted in contravention of the earlier implied message by pleading to non-British workers to come to the UK as HGV drivers and fruit pickers amidst a labour shortage in those areas.
A spokesperson confirmed: “Look – we have taken back control: we are taking back control by taking back the workers from whom we had taken back contr… wait what was the question?”
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit Podcast 6 – available for FREE now
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit.
NewsBiscuit Podcast 6 Sept 2021 – YouTube
Host: Wrenfoe Featuring Guests: Chipchase, Ron Cawleyoni, Antharrison & StanleyMizaru
August 2021
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Categories: Fake News
New rules for Strictly Come Adultering
The BBC is putting the Come into Strictly Come Dancing, as couples are judged and voted off, based on their likelihood of copping off during rehearsals. Extra points are available depending on the length of the marriages that are ruined. A “ten from Len” will require the couple engage in full sex during their Saturday night routine.
One overweight male married celebrity said ‘Strictly curse? An attractive dancer, half naked and half my age grinding on me seems like the opposite of a curse. Anyway, my wife probably won’t leave me and take the kids?’
His dance partner openly wept with Claudia Winkleman, but did dismiss controversy about the Strictly cast’s Covid vaccinations, saying ‘I don’t want foreign bodies inside me, but vaccines are fine.’
To somehow increase the “Britishness” of Strictly, and violating Tess Daly’s restraining order, the 2021 final will be presented by the twitching lecherous reanimated corpse of Bruce Forsyth.
Categories: Fake News
Investment Banks switch status to ‘Casinos’
Two of the world’s largest and most respected financial institutions have been granted permission to switch their status from investment banks to super-casinos, offering customers the chance to put their savings into roulette, black jack and Texas Hold ‘em.
Investors at Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs will now have their pension funds and mortgages placed on a roulette table, and returns will be based on whether the ball lands on black or red. The move resulted in improved stability in the markets, as some investors saw a slight return on their investments, compared to the universal meltdown of the week before.
The status switch comes after a surprise ruling made yesterday by US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and will allow the two remaining major investment banks to diversify into a ‘wider risk portfolio’. Today in Wall Street, attractive girls dressed in skimpy clothing were outside the bank offering traders a free cocktail if they went inside to try their luck on the tables. Investors were also invited to dine at the banks, where later on they would be entertained by Neil Diamond. Small investors are being told to deposit their money in one of the machines in the entrance to the bank and then pull the lever on the right. The return on their investment now depends on the number of bells that line up in the display panel. As always, customers are reminded that investments may go down as well as up.
In Britain, the Chancellor followed suit by allowing the merger of Lloyd’s TSB and the Copper Cascade Amusement Arcade at Blackpool. The chairman of the bank Sir Giles Cruddock has swapped his City of London office for a little kiosk on the pier, where he now dispenses change and occasionally points at a sign saying that players must be over 16. ‘A lot of our capital is now tied up in two pence coins that look as if they are all about to tumble into the dispenser. We are saying to our customers at this worrying time, ‘keep putting more and more coins in the copper cascade, because you must be due a massive pay out any time now.’ Oi, don’t nudge the machine!’
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Categories: Fake News
Din-dins choo-choo noises replaced with 5:35 from platform 2 delay announcement
Din-dins noises to assist the spoons of food entering the tunnel have been upgraded in accordance with lived experience. The fsh-ti-coo, fsh-ti-coos and the woo-woooos have been cancelled until further notice.
In their place, young ones – and indeed very old ones who still partake and only receive their mashed potato that way – will be upgraded to a modernised service reflecting the real world out there.
Delays to all choo-choos coming from Three Bridges will be blasted out through a megaphone until din-dins are eaten. Except on Sundays, when a replacement bus service to Redhill will be in operation, meaning no food for anyone until much, much later.
In addition, a repeat loop of a crackly announcement will be audible reminding ‘customers’ that if they see a suspicious package, they should inform non-present platform staff immediately. Suspicious packages also include whatever it is that is making that nappy bulge. Which side of the nappy has not been specified here and is purely in your own mind, you filthy bugger.
A mid-autumn suspension of all food services will be dubiously attributed to leaves on the highchair table, and the January timetable will be plagued by the wrong type of snow cone.
Hairplanes flying in from over the mountain have been grounded due to the pandemic. Brum-brum cars are allowed, but the noises must all be silent like the electric vehicles everyone should be driving already.
Categories: Fake News
Starmer homework eventually marked
Following the publication by the Fabian Society of Kier Starmer’s missing homework, it has now been marked by his Modern Politics tutor in secondary school, Mr Birch. The essay, which was intended to be handed in in May 1977, was discovered in a satchel his mum had given to a charity shop a few months ago.
Mr Birch, who had Kier down as ‘unlikely to go anywhere’ has reviewed the essay and marked it as a C minus. ‘Pretty good for Kier, I never gave anyone more than a C plus anyway,’ said the retired teacher, who still sticks with his career forecast for Kier.
‘The essay was about ‘how I will make a difference, or at least make anybody notice me’,’ the teacher said, holding the Fabian pamphlet out at arm’s length. ‘This can be summarised to ‘I’m not Boris and I’m not Jeremy’, but he still hasn’t said what he is. If I was still teaching I’d have him round and give him twenty lashes of the cane, just like in the good old days,’ added Mr Birch.
Image: Free-Photos/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
BBC Thought Police order all staff to stop thinking nasty things about Boris
Right Wing Tory acolyte & Director General of the BBC, Tim Davie, has issued detailed orders in a last ditch attempt to adjust the left leaning bias of the corporation. He’s been politely told by Government advisors to realign its current radical anarchist approach, to a more totalitarian, North Korean style regime.
Davie admitted that all journalists, newsreaders and presenters will be fitted with electrodes attached to their genitals.
’This will administer a severe electric shock whenever someone thinks of something beastly and unpleasant about Boris’, he thundered, ‘or all my other Conservative mates who I went to Cambridge with.’
So if you see dear, dear Laura Kuenssberg, standing outside Parliament with her hair burning and standing on end, you know she’s taking the consequences for all those evil, unbalanced, Pro-Marxist, Anti-Brexit, Anti-incompetence thoughts she’s been hiding down her bra.’
Categories: Fake News
Brits stockpiling their own breath in empty pickle jars
The UK government has told the public not to rush out and buy petrol. Which is code for ‘selfish BoJo apologists: panic and get down to your petrol station immediately, or be a total loser who missed out’.
The combination of previously stockpiled toilet paper gathering breezeblock dust in garages alongside rusty Jerry cans sploshed with hastily squirted petrol dribbles, does suggest that there might be an explosive flurry of eruptions in your road if you select the correct bedroom window vantage point and give it a short while. OOh and aah.
But it’s not just what Americans call gas which is a looming threat to British society. It has been roundly refuted that there is a shortage of pretty much every gas GCSE science holders can name. Somehow there is at the same time both an oversupply and undersupply of carbon dioxide, which is a testament to just how fast and how impressively this government can completely bollocks up the country.
Clever sausages up and down the land, however, have been breathing into empty gherkin jars. They are at the same time engaging in carbon capture, and providing a future stockpile of their own carbon dioxide which will soon be worth a bomb.
In an unfortunate mix-up at number 47, Jeremy Howard unscrewed the lid of an unlabelled jar to expel his held breath into. But it turned out to be a jar previously used for personal methane collection. Jeremy is said to be in a stable but sour-faced condition.
Categories: Fake News
OED announces that the Collective Noun for Lorry Drivers is “A Lack”. More soon
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Categories: Fake News
Netflix buy Roald Dahl’s books so rich corporations can get a happy ending
The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.
‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’
With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.
Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted… BFG… Big F$ckin Greed’
Categories: Fake News
Studios in bidding war for movie rights to Starmer’s ‘essay’
Leaked copies of Sir Keir’s conference speech have ignited interest in Hollywood, with producers desperate to tell the powerful story of one man’s struggle against popularity, trapped inside Tony Blair’s an$s. The tag line is – ‘They asked for policies. He gave them Brylcreem’.
Titled ‘The road ahead – asleep at the wheel’, the essay is taken from a conversation Keir had with his SUV’s satnav. The sweeping narrative of one man going round in circles because he only turns right. One man, one vision, one man, 000.1% of one vote.
His agent confirmed that Keir is set to be played anyone, as long as they are not called Keith. There were concerns that Starmer had plagiarised David Cameron’s manifesto but transpires Cameron had copied his from a fortune cookie. Already a sequel is planned, with the working title ‘Starmer: My life in the House of Lords’.
Categories: Fake News
Husband awarded MBE for twice-annual laundry service
A married man from Richmond-Upon-Thames is reported to be ‘overjoyed’ with the news that his biannual laundry contribution towards the household chores is to be recognised in the New Years Honours List.
‘After years of my wife asking if I want a medal for putting my own laundry in the machine, it is a privilege to finally have my efforts acknowledged in this way,’ said Mark Slade MBE. ‘But I feel I share this award with every man who has ever actually ironed his own shirt, occasionally cleaned the ring off the bath or made it home in time to put the kids to bed for the first time in months. Here’s to you, guys.’
Mr Slade’s wife Alison was quick to commend her husband’s achievements, although accepts that talk of a third laundry load in the Spring when she goes to hospital for scheduled knee surgery may be the excited hyperbole of a giddy winner.
Categories: Fake News