News Biscuit
‘Tears of hungry children will help fill my swimming pool’ Chancellor promises parents
Chancellor Rishi Sunak has assured worried parents of hungry children that their bedtime tears will not be shed in vain. A Treasury spokesman explained: ‘When children go to bed hungry it inevitably ends in tears, what child wouldn’t cry if it hadn’t eaten a proper meal for over 24 hours. But what better way could there be than to put those hunger tears to good use, then topping up the Chancellor’s pool?
‘And with the proposed £20 cut in benefits we will undoubtedly see even more tears in future. We’ve also asset stripped the companies their parents used to work for, so it’s a huge saving for the tax-payer, and Mr. Sunak’s water bill.
‘So, if parents will simply gather their children’s tears in a bottle and send to RISHI’S POOL, Kirby Sigston Manor, Northallerton, second class post will be adequate. First class post would be 85p and that’s probably all you have to spend each day on food for the kiddies, we might be many things but we’re not monsters.
‘I know lots of parents will be shedding tears too, but please, can you keep it to just your children’s tears, apparently the fatty oils contained in a child’s teardrop are good for your skin’.
Categories: Fake News
Chicken-runners smuggling KFC into Auckland caught licky-fingered
Strict laws regarding access to takeaways in New Zealand have led to organised gangs running illegal KFC hot rods into Auckland. But in a successful police swoop, flutter and cluck, 12 herbs and spices with a street value of not all that much really have been seized.
The Serious Crimes Squad Chief based at Old Zealand Yard said, ‘The criminals were highly organised and very clever. They evaded detection by not shipping the food in buckets. But a tip off pointed to illicit activity, and when one of our investigators licked the index finger of that point, we knew we were hot on the trail of something tasty.
‘We conducted an operation codenamed Zinger Stinger, which employed the use of highly untrained sniffer cats. We found a lot of dodgy fish in a lot of dodgy bins, and there was a setback when the sniffer squad dispersed and couldn’t be rounded up. But eventually we had a breakthrough and were back on the trail. Literally a trail of discarded hot wings bones.
‘An officer operating undercover informed us that a particular vehicle he was tracking smelled gorgeous. We put a tail on it – an actual tail, so that we wouldn’t lose it in heavy traffic. That vehicle led us straight to the gang leader who we believe was operating under an alias as The Colonel. After removing her white beard, there was no doubt that this was our biggest ever bust. She denied everything of course, but there were too many sauces on her.’
Police are now said to be intensively investigating an unspecified number of fries.
Categories: Fake News
Librarian of the Year Award in chaos after winner asks noisy audience to leave
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Categories: Fake News
Nationwide candle shortage after Government assurance of no power cuts
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Categories: Fake News
HS2 has ‘no end in sight’? Surely some sort of platform would work?
The never-ending railway development, is set to last longer than re-runs of ‘Friends’. Tracks continue to be laid for no other reason than they were there, a bit like Uni students at Fresher’s Week.
An oversight by planners have seen the project overrun, literally, with tracks now covering three fifths of the Earth’s surface. Confessed one contractor: ‘We were supposed to terminate at Euston Station but instead we kept going. Currently we are somewhere near the Suez Canal and not one buffet cart in sight.
‘At the other end, skipping Birmingham proved popular with our focus groups, but now we don’t know where to stop. Wales is too wet and the Irish sea is…well, too wet.’ Asked if she thought the project would be delayed further: ‘The upside of a track that never ends, is there aren’t enough leaves to cover it’.
Categories: Fake News
‘I own the van and my mum washes the kit,’ Rooney reminds team-mates
Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.
‘Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend?’ Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. ‘Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether I’m actually playing.’
‘I guess little Marcus Rashford could take you all,’ continued Rooney. ‘Oh, except he hasn’t taken his driving test yet, has he? Zlatan could drive you in his Volvo, but it’ll mean a few trips. A real selection dilemma for the boss, isn’t it? Oh and Chris, give my love to your granny won’t you? … Never mind why, just do it.’
‘Might as well take your dirty kit home with you too today,’ added Rooney, pursing his lips. ‘My mum won’t be able to wash it anymore, if I’m not involved. I love those Summer Fresh conditioner tablets she’s been using recently, don’t you? Won’t matter so much for you Pogba, as you don’t make any tackles, but for everyone else – well, I’m sure you’ll sort something out.’
Rooney also announced that a number of other team activities could be under threat if he wasn’t playing. These include his popular annual trip to Chessington Wold of Adventure, regular sleepovers and playdates at his house and his legendary funded trips to the sweet shop near their Carrington training ground, nicknamed ‘Wagon Wheels with Wayne’ by fellow players.
Jose Mourinho responded by suggesting that Rooney needs to adapt to the inexorable passage of years and expand his portfolio of activities. ‘If he wants to continue to pull in a big salary he needs to take on more media work, perhaps?’ suggested the Special One. ‘A legend from Merseyside, interested in dough and making a decent crust, still good in short bursts for an hour a week during the Autumn season? I hear the Great British Bake Off may have some opportunities.’
Categories: Fake News
CO2 Shortage: Government urges people to breathe out more and breathe in less
The fizzy drinks industry can breathe more easily thanks to the latest plans to solve the carbon dioxide crisis, which has meant millions have gone without their fizzy pop thanks to a shortage of nose-tickling bubbles.
Dr A Pepper, an expert in fizzy-ology explained: ‘The current shortage is due to people breathing unfairly. If people would only breathe out at least double the amount they breathed in, then we could squirt more CO2 into bags containing limp salad and make your Cherry Cola (*sings C-O-L-A COLA) as burp-worthy as it was in the good old days. Trouble is breathing in feels good, but everyone knows breathing out causes marital strife due to garlic, onions and curry, so people do it less.’
C02 is also used in the meat industry to stun animals before slaughter. The animals are told that trees breathe out oxygen and breathe in CO2. Animals that understand this surprising apparent reversal of nature are so stunned they don’t notice the sudden appearance of a bloody great bolt gun and go to their maker wondering if they could take GCSE biology.
In an unconnected development famers in Denmark have invented the self-barbecuing cow. The methane connected at the entrance and exit of the bovine alimentary canal is stored in a basic BBQ set up under the cow itself. Once enough gas has been collected the apparatus ignites automatically and the cow is cooked in its own emissions.
Categories: Fake News
Clerical error leads to Labour Party suspending ‘disbelief’
Having suspended thousands of party members, many in error, the Labour Party has targeted the abstract concept of ‘Disbelief’. This means being banned from the annual conference, despite other attendees including Boredom, Hypocrisy and Dumbf$ckery.
Unconfirmed reports that even suspenders have been suspended; said one member: ‘We have had to remove a set of bright red bracers for their support of trousers and of Palestinian rights’.
Party leaders have worked out that their best route to electoral success, is getting rid of all the membership, polices and the whiff of democracy. Said one executive: ‘And if only we can work out a way to ban all the voters as well…’
Categories: Fake News
Afghan translators concerned about spam emails
With the release of 250 email addresses of former Afghan translators by the MoD, many are living in fear of being targeted by spammers, phisheres and other nefarious abusers of online abuse. ‘I’ve emailed the Taliban to see if they can’t do something about it,’ said one one former translator who wished to remain anonymous (number forty-one on the list). ‘It was bad enough when the MoD issued us with mobile phones and published the numbers – I don’t even know what PPI is, let alone think I’ve been mis-sold it,’ said another un-named translator (number two hundred and two on the list, just below Ahmed Khali, who also asked to for his identity to be kept secret).
The MoD has apologised for ‘a slightly inconvenient release of data’ but has stressed it has kept most of the information pertinent to the translators secret – such as if and when they will be repatriated and where they can redeem their Nectar points if they don’t get to leave Afghanistan.
Categories: Fake News
Taliban ban Matalan; Matalan bans Taliban
The Taliban and Matalan have increased the distance between each other in an act of mutual banning. ‘The Taliban-Matalan ban pre-dated the Matalan Taliban ban’ claimed Mohammed Smythe, the Taliban’s head of Retail Acquisition. Meanwhile a man from Matalan said Matalan’s Taliban ban had come first.
Irrespective of who banned whom when, the mutual banning has left high street watchers and middle east correspondents scratching their heads. ‘The fashion and homeware retailer offers attire and household goods at prices that are hard to resist, even by a hardline quasi-political group known for colourful fabrics and unorthodox views about womenswear,’ said one insider.
Meanwhile a Matalan spokesman has declared that staff have repeatedly had to ask members of the Taliban to leave Matalan or surrender assault rifles, whips and swords with G4 security guards while they browse mattress toppers, garden furniture and non-stick cookware at unrepeatable prices. The chain has decided to end the to and fro arguments with the shopping-mad militia. To and fro arguments that canny Matalaniacs refer to as a ‘Taliban-a-ding dong’.
In a separate development Australian movie maker George Miller has inked a deal for an all action yarn that combines mass discount retail with high octane thrills, to be called TK Mad Max.
Categories: Fake News
Back teeth fed up with being fed up to
Molars and premolars have lashed out with frustration at being labelled the metaphorical high watermark of frustration.
‘When we are in use crushing your difficult-to-chew food into convenient boli so you can swallow it, then you don’t give us a thought,’ said an amalgum filled tooth from a Bournemouth mouth. ‘But you’re all to ready to reach for us when you want to express impatience with climate change, inconsistencies in Midsomer Murders and that woman in the chiropodist’s waiting room.’
The molar went on to moan about front teeth. ‘These are identified with cutesy six year olds at Christmas, John Bishop or the fucking Goofey joke. All very fine but useless without us sturdy backroom boys who do all the heavy lifting and barely see any floss. To tell you the truth I’m fed up to the back….Oh bollocks I’m doing it now.’
We approached bollocks for a response to being the go-to gonads for expression of vehement disagreement but they declined to comment.
Categories: Fake News
Russian Government denies involvement in the Opal Fruits/Starburst name change
A spokesman for Vladimir Putin has categorically refuted the claim that it was Russian interference which resulted in Opal Fruits changing their name to Starburst in 1998. Despite evidence uncovered by UN investigators and the CIA, the bare-chested, horse-riding, journalist-culling, yet democratically-elected dictator denies any State involvement.
“Russia has always denied being involved in this tragedy” our reporter was told. “It is more western propaganda designed to make the Russian State look bad, and believe me, we don’t need any help on that front.”
Western researchers have discovered that two KGB agents were operating in Slough in the late ’90s, disguised as tourists. The men involved claim they were just tourists and proved this by showing photographs of them outside the Queensmere Observatory Shopping Centre, the Slough Ice Arena and admiring the tower of the historic St Ethelbert’s Church.
This is not the first time a foreign power has been accused of such underhand dealings. The Israeli government still denies any MOSSAD involvement in Marathon becoming Snickers in 1990.
Categories: Fake News
Big Dick Energy latest utility company in trouble
Big Dick Energy is one of several smaller energy companies struggling with high wholesale gas prices.
A spokesman with BDE read a statement, whilst swaggering: ‘At this rate we’re going to have to start diversifying into gaslighting. I would say I have a lengthy penis, when the only lengthy things about me are my list of failed relationships and my criminal record.’
Business Secretary Kwasi Kwartengergy was allegedly seen rolling a gas canister into his house, shouting ‘Don’t get high on your own supply bitches… mentioning no Goves.’
Other utility companies who may be in trouble include Hi NRG, The Gas Man Cometh, Knowing Methane Knowing Youthane, Rock the Gasbah, Lil Gas X and Gas You Like It.
Hat tip Lockjaw54
Categories: Fake News
Government refuses to help energy companies, but if any banks are in trouble….
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Categories: Fake News
Pfizer jab safe for kids from 5 to 11. Any later than that is anyone’s guess
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Categories: Fake News
Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension
People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.
Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: ‘Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It’s brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.’
Luke Lyle from Manchester added ‘Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month’s salary. On average it’s 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.’
Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged ‘I mean it’s on the Northern Line, that’s close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?’
Categories: Fake News