Fake News
Lucrative pizza ads beckon for England’s young lions after Wembley penalty woes
Even as a nation’s tears flowed, following England’s defeat in the final of the Euros at Wembley on Sunday, it turns out that it’s not all bad news.
Because for penalty zeroes, Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka it has signaled an opportunity for all three to land themselves a handsome consolation prize, appearing in lucrative TV ads for restaurant chain, Pizza Hut.
A spokesman for the company said: ‘Well obviously watching the final was incredibly tense, particularly after the Italians missed their first spot kick, but luckily the lads reverted to type and made a total shambles of taking theirs, so in the end it was all hunky dory.’
It’s understood that in addition to the three players, England Manager, Gareth Southgate, will play a cameo role in the ad campaign.
‘This is amazing the way things have gone full circle,’ said the boss. ‘There I was thinking this tournament was going to lay my ghosts to rest, but now I get a second chance to ride the gravy train again. Isn’t modern sport truly wonderful?’
In related news, it’s been reported that brown paper bags have seen a sudden and colossal surge in demand.
Categories: Fake News
Dinosaurs to make comeback tour
After an absence from public life of over 60 million years, Stegosaurus and Brontosaurus could be roaming the country again soon for a limited period. Celebrity publicist Ed Masp, who claims he has represented many extinct species in the past, promises the comeback will be spectacular, including such acts as ripping trees up by the roots and squashing a Ford Mondeo with a tap of the foot.
However, there are already serious health and safety concerns about letting gigantic reptiles run amok for entertainment purposes. Jeremy Pardloe of the Dinosaur Vigilance Society explains: “We are strongly urging insurance companies to refuse to cover this extravaganza. These are five-ton reptiles with brains weighing only three ounces, a brain to body mass ratio matched only by reality TV stars”.
“In fact”, adds Mr Pardloe, “the Mesozoic Era had an appalling record for health and safety, and dinosaurs must shoulder some of the blame. How do you think all the continents got ripped apart from each other?”
Categories: Fake News
COVID beaten, PM confirms
Thanks to Britain’s world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.
Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.
‘We’ve seen it off and that’s an end to it once and for all. We’ve tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.’, the PM is thought to have said.
‘It certainly won’t be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre’, he continued. ‘But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that’s highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won’t have been following our latest and most excellent advice.’
Categories: Fake News
Met Police launches new recruitment drive aimed at divorced alcoholic mavericks
The Met Police has defended a new recruitment advertising campaign which targets alcoholics, divorcees, misfits, mavericks and veterans of unpopular military campaigns that the public didn’t really understand.
In an unprecedented campaign, adverts have appeared on the side of can of Tennents Extra, on notice boards in reception at firms of family lawyers and divorce courts and psychiatrists have been recruited to recommend any patients displaying signs of autism, obsession or post traumatic stress disorder.
‘We particularly welcome applications from the maverick community, who are underrepresented in the Metropolitan Police,’ said chief commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe, ‘If your marriage is on the rocks, if you have a drink problem and if you have got a hunch, my message to you is this. We will find you and we will hire you.’
Each maverick may be given a side-kick who will be able to cover the maverick’s arse in a variety of ways. The side-kicks have been trained to make up alibis, do the paperwork, accompany the maverick to the pub and assist in interrogations.
Home Office efficiency targets have meant that by the book policemen who come from stable homes with a life-partner and children are becoming seen as more and more of an expensive luxury. ‘In the past the safe copper who filled in paper work, turned up to do a 9 to 5, and didn’t sleep in his car in a puddle of vomit whilst starring at pictures of old loved ones, where exactly what the MET were looking for’ explained head of HR Lucy Thorton, ‘But we all know such pen pushers are there to make us look good, the acceptable face of modern policing, but goddammit we need results.’
Thumping the table to emphasise the point Thorton reasoned that ‘if it means that we have to turn to socially unstable winos who can stitch up a few weak member of society as some sort of redemption for their own relationship failings then by God I’m prepared to take that risk. Maybe that makes me a bad head of HR. Maybe it just means I hate crime that little bit more than others.’
The MET have also toyed with the idea of pairing wild maverick cops with other wild maverick cops instead of the traditional maverick-straight laced cop combination favoured since the times of Robert Peel. ‘Just think how much more fun it’ll be watching Police Camera Action with 2 out of control men going through a mid life breakdown before your eyes, firing wildly into the night sky and shouting the names of their ex-wives between uncontrollable sobs’ figured hapless Mayor of London Boris Johnson. ‘It’s a win-win’.
ronseal & thisisall1word
Categories: Fake News
Virgin Galactic bus replacement service ‘ready to go’
Virgin Galactic has said a bus replacement service is ready should there be any problems with the flight scheduled to take Virgin representatives and Richard Branson to the edge of space.
‘As with the West Coast route, we appreciate that there may be issues on the day ranging from wrong beard in the cabin to the wrong kind of stratosphere,’ said a Virgin spokesman today.
Most rocket experts believe the flight will take place regardless, but fully expect the toilet door to remain open for most of the flight.
Categories: Fake News
Some tennis thing. More soon.
Categories: Fake News
Euroexit means Euroexit.
Categories: Fake News
“England football team? Never heard of that bunch of losers” backtracks Boris.
Categories: Fake News
South China Sea extended to include Antarctic penguins
After China constructed a military airbase in Antarctica under the watchful eyes of a colony of chinstrap penguins, Foreign Minister Wang Yi rejected suggestions China was militarizing the icy continent. ‘China has always owned Antarctica. We have a map from 1947 with 90 dashes on it, the dashes go all the way round. And as early as the 13th century we were sending researchers there in ocean-going junks to investigate the climate,’ he said.
Boris Johnson and Australian Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing released a joint statement rejecting this claim, saying the 90 dashes are labelled ‘Antarctic Circle’ on their map. Meanwhile, former President Trump called the claims of ancient research voyages were ‘junk Science’. ‘America has a scientific base down there, it’s the biggest, and we haven’t fond any traces of climate. These claims that Galactica has a climate are designed to replace American workers with penguins. They can’t stand.’
Dagular
Categories: Fake News
Football calls ahead and asks you to pop the kettle on
Football has phoned and asked if you wouldn’t mind putting the kettle on, as it’s nearly home and hasn’t had a proper cup of tea for over 50 years. If there are any hobnobs in the cupboard it would like a couple of those too if it’s not too much trouble.
Since last coming home in the 1966, football has travelled extensively, including extended spells in South America visiting Brazil and Argentina. It almost came home in 1990 and again in 1996, but both times made late decisions to go to Germany instead, where it spends so much time it has actually bought a second house.
A planned trip home in 2018 was also changed at late notice. Still upset about the country voting to leave the EU, football decided to go and spend some more time in France while freedom of movement was not a concern.
While a cup of tea and a biscuit would be lovely if football does come home, don’t go so far as to plan dinner around it, as there is a chance it will decide to pop over to Italy for a few years instead.
Categories: Fake News
Paris Hilton spotted with Syrian migrant in handbag
Syrian migrants are set to become this years ‘must have’ accessory, after socialite Paris Hilton was photographed leaving an exclusive Munich fashion store with a desperate refugee clinging to her Louis Vuitton Kusama Pumpkin handbag.
It is believed that the glamorous heiress picked up the young person, said to have travelled to Europe from war-torn Aleppo, after seeing his plight on television. ‘Paris had accidentally clicked on CNN while channel surfing,’ revealed a friend, ‘when she saw these poor people trying to catch some train to Germany. Y’know she’s got a big heart and was truly moved by what she saw, so she flew over and bought one. Everyone’s making such a big deal about caring for these guys, but she’s the only one who’s actually doing something about it.’
Fashionistas eager to emulate their millionaire heroine are now flocking to mainland Europe to bag themselves a migrant. Dozens of WAGs, pop stars and glamour models have been papped outside London’s exclusive Chinawhite nightclub with a bewildered immigrant in tow. While a Syrian refugee may go for thousands of dollars in Mayfair, these haute couture accessories have also been quick to filter down into the high street, with Dorothy Perkins currently advertising a range of Eritrean migrants for as little as £500.
Categories: Fake News
ITV commentator Sam Matterface in training for full meltdown tonight
After his two-hour stint of channelling Alan Partridge during Wednesday’s semi-final match between England and Denmark, ITV football commentator Sam Matterface is in the final stages of training for a full-on patriotic meltdown during tonight’s Euro 2021 final. Perched on a stool in a sound-proofed bunker underneath ITV’s broadcasting centre, clutching a lip mike and surrounded by life-size photos of the Queen, Alf Ramsey and Geoff Hurst, Blatherface described his training regime.
‘On Wednesday, I pretty much aced the last minute of the England-Denmark match for TV viewers with a hysterical and possibly psycho-sexual gush of verbal diarrhoea, which went “Call your boss, you ain’t coming in in the morning. You deserve this. England deserve this. Feel it, ride it.”
‘But that was just a semi-final. Now I must up the ante for the final so that I can really stick it to our Scottish, Welsh and Irish viewers with a truly monumental tirade of English jingoism. I have been reading Shakespearean soliloquies and the poetry of Rudyard Kipling for inspiration and I have decided that in the event of victory my immortal words will be: “England have won! Very much so! Albion Gloriana!”
‘After that, the synapses in my brain will fuse together and I will run off at the mouth uncontrollably, urging the world’s population to kiss Gareth Southgate’s ring. That will be my crowning moment, coming after 90 minutes in which Lee Dixon and I will castigate every dive in the penalty area by an Italian player as a cynical act of gamesmanship while describing every dive in the penalty area by Raheem Sterling as the cruel fate of a doughty British bloke brought low by the wiles of an evil foreigner.’
Viewers have the option of watching this match on the BBC instead, but they will probably have to put up with similarly idiotic drivel from its team of commentators. Otherwise, they can just watch the match with the sound turned off. It’s probably Antiques Roadshow on BBC2, by the way.
Categories: Fake News
Faulty bikes ‘causing teenagers to ride dangerously’
Bicycle manufacturers have recalled over 10,000 bikes after learning of a design fault that causes riders to veer into traffic and do wheelies. This occurs mainly when a group of teenage boy are riding together. For reasons that are not yet clear, the presence of teenage girls in the vicinity increases the chances of the fault occurring by a whopping 50%.
Tests also showed that as the teenagers get older the less frequently the fault happens. ‘We believe this to be down to accumulation of life experience – an unfulfilling job or broken dream weighs upon the rider, pinning the bike down, and somehow bypassing the fault,’ said a spokesman. ‘However, adult men with their tops off are also vulnerable. Although we did sometimes find these men hanging out with teenagers, we quickly discovered their behaviour had nothing to do with the fault. And so under no circumstances do we advise approaching these men and attempting to recall their bikes.’
Categories: Fake News
Football punditry actually a live group therapy session
The National Association of Football Pundits has admitted that they are only allowed on television in order. to release dangerous levels of pent-up angst.’When you see me discussing the details of the half of football you’ve just watched, I am actually leading a group therapy session,’ said leading expert in psychological care for pundits, Professor Ian Wright. ‘If you see me and Dr Gabby Logan there at the same time, you know we’ve reached a critical level of support requirement.’
‘If we didn’t let Roy Keane get it out of his system, then he’d be standing on a street corner in piss-stained trousers shouting at passers-by that Holland don’t know what they’re doing and should switch to a double-pivot system. And Alan Shearer would be in a constant vegetative state. That said, there’s no excuse for Gary Lineker, but there is an emergency plan in place to convince him that he doesn’t need to put the ‘pun’ in pundit.’
Categories: Fake News
Pope invites Gok Wan to Vatican to ‘camp-up’ the clergy
After surprising the world with his relaxed views on homosexuality, Pope Francis has stepped-up his attempts to modernise the Catholic Church by enlisting the services of style guru Gok Wan in a bid to ‘makeover’ the Church’s hierarchy.
‘There’s absolutely no reason why a bishop or a priest can’t look divine and fine’, said Gok as he arrived at the Vatican today. ‘These guys have been in some kind of fashion coma for about five centuries, so I’m here to wake them up and tell them that religion can be sexy. They’ll be preaching the word of Gok in no time.’
In his first lesson to the Pope and his cardinals, Gok asked them to form a large circle, strip naked and stare into full-length mirrors until they ‘accepted their body shapes’. ‘If you can’t even love yourselves,’ explained Gok, wagging his finger theatrically, ‘don’t expect God to.’
One bishop was delighted with the new form of instruction. ‘I’m finally getting in touch with my true self,’ he said. ‘Gok has taught me that long and drab garments are all well and good in a prayer-room setting, but if I want to make a real splash on the weekends I should try a lime-coloured suit and a Burberry baseball jacket with my clerical collar. I finally have the confidence to look religious and sexy. Thank Gok.’
The Pope, who has ditched his ‘cumbersome’ ceremonial headdress and replaced it with a camouflaged beanie, is thrilled that his followers have really taken to the wisdom of Gok. ‘The guys are looking fab,’ said the leader of the Catholic faith.
He then sashayed away from the camera, strode confidently down the aisle of St Peter’s Basilica to cheers of ‘Work that catwalk, sister!’, before becoming the first pontiff to deliver mass in a leopard-print loincloth.
Jesus H
Categories: Fake News
