Fake News
Covid confusion after GB’s Olympic table tennis team gets pinged then ponged.
Categories: Fake News
Passport photos required to show ‘sex face’
Passport photos are to show the ‘sex face’ from September onwards, rather than the ‘pissed off face’ currently used as standard.
‘The sex face is impossible to forge with current technology’, explained a security expert. ‘The pissed-off face has been in use for over 20 years and hasn’t kept pace with technological advances. Even the sex face – the most unfakeable of human expressions – will be vulnerable within 5-7 years, after which passports will need to be replaced with increasing frequency as we cycle through the ‘caught on a porn website’ face, the ‘she’s nicer than my wife’ face and the ‘trapped my pubic hair in the zip’ face.
Categories: Fake News
Australia ok with killer sharks, spiders and snakes, but deports Katie Hopkins
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Prick launches prick with prick inside
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Let Freedom Ring by Covid-19
Today is the day.
Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.
Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.
Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.
This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.
Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.
To this I say: never again!
So today, let freedom ring.
Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.
Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.
Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.
Let freedom ring.
From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-
Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!
I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.
And that dream came true today.
Categories: Fake News
Olympic sports you ludicrously think you could medal in
The Olympics. The pinnacle of sporting endeavour, where the frailties and limits of human abilities are exposed and redefined under the most intense of spotlights. Reaching that sort of level is simply beyond comprehension for us mere mortals. But Skateboarding? Seriously? You were boardsliding down the handrail outside your local Tesco when you were 15. It’s not that hard.
Here are 5 other Olympic sports that you also reckon you could win:
BMX Racing – when you were 11 you spent your summer holiday arseing around a disused scrap yard on your Raleigh Grifter, so you definitely have the pedigree. You’d have been even better if your mum hadn’t kept calling you in for your dinner. With success directly correlated to being a twat and taking out your opponents on the first corner, you’ll be quids in.
Shooting – A socially awkward man lies immobile for hours on end, blocking out all external stimuli, and occasionally pulling a trigger and hitting a target. It’s a perfect description of your last 5 years playing Call of Duty in your darkened spare room, if you add in a crate of Monster Energy drinks and regular masturbation breaks. The podium awaits.
Modern Pentathlon – Fencing, swimming, show-jumping, shooting, and cross-country skiing. An unfathomable collection of sports, seemingly thrown together by the Marketing Team at Center Parcs. Luckily for you, you developed significant prowess in all of them at Big Rich’s stag do at that stately home last year, alongside coke-snorting.
Surfing – Bottom turns, cutbacks, off the lips….the uninterested instructor mentioned all these moves in the over-priced surfing lesson you took on a recent family holiday at Newquay. You’ve watched Point Break hundreds of times, and after you win gold, you’ve already got your Donald Trump ‘5th president’ mask ready to slip on as a joke as the National Anthem plays.
Breakdancing – frustratingly, not included as a medal event until Paris 2024, meaning another 3 years before you can unleash those windmills and headspins that you perfected at the school disco 30 years ago. You are confident of a medal, as long as don’t get distracted again by school bully telling you that you have a very small penis and you’ve got no chance of getting off with Michelle in the gym tonight.
Categories: Fake News
Number 10 to privatise Number 4
Concerns are being raised over the government’s plan to privatise the number 4.
A spokesman for the Department of Digital Ineptitude, Culture Wars, Media Suppression and Sport Bandwagon-Jumping said:
‘It’s all to do with the changing numerical landscape. 2 plus 2 is 4, but 2 times 2 is also 4. That’s typical public sector wastefulness. We’ve pretty much privatised number 10 already. Three is the magic number. Yes it is, it’s the magic number, but it’s also a big mobile phone company already. We also can’t privatise 9, because 7 ate it.
‘How much do you think we could get for the number 4 made up of the spinning coloured rectangles?’
Oscar Oldroyd, who turns 4 next month and whose birthday party would be cancelled, said ‘Boris is a poo-poo head’. Oscar’s parents both nodded sadly in agreement.
Categories: Fake News
Woman ecstatic after finding an episode of Friends she hadn’t seen
Thirty three year old mum of three and self-proclaimed “World’s Number 1 Friends Fan”, Laura Bishop, of Newport, was beside herself yesterday after finding an episode of the surprisingly popular 1990s sitcom “Friends”, which she had never seen before.
“I was just channel hopping when, all of a sudden, I found myself on E4+1. The theme music came on and I sang along, as you do, and a funny feeling came over me. It all felt slightly different, yet totally familiar.” she told our reporter, adding, “I consider myself to be an expert on the show and it’s my specialist subject if I’m ever asked to go on the Mastermind.”
“I’ve always been a huge fan of the show and I thought I’d seen every episode but this was unbelievable, like discovering a new colour, opening the tomb of the Sphinx or crossing the Rubix cube.”
“I couldn’t believe it. It’s called: The one where Joey buys toothpaste. I was mesmerised. For the first few minutes I couldn’t move. Then the adverts came on and I started texting and messaging all my friends to let them know.”
“Jen told me I had seen it before, but she was thinking of “The one where Chandler buys floss” and Karen said she’s seen it but couldn’t tell me what colour earrings Rachel was wearing, so I don’t believe her.”
When asked if she had enjoyed the episode, Laura replied, “Even though I missed the last 10 minutes because a parcel came and I had to sign for it, then I forgot I was watching TV and made a cup of tea. When I got back to the living room it was over, but I absolutely loved it.”
Image: ivanovgood/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Producers of ‘Middle-age Love Island’ give up and go home
At a no-expense-spared, fully-accessible villa on the sun-kissed Isle of Wight, a TV production crew and twenty contestants on the show ‘Middle-Age Love Island’ are packing their bags and going home. Executive Producer Martin Jackson explains, ‘The contestants were a nightmare. It was too hot during the day so all they did was sleep, but then it was too hot at night and they were wide awake, moaning about being wide awake.’
‘We had to use the bleep button to cover all the involuntary body noises being emitted and conversations were so heavily edited for offence, all that was left to broadcast was a pack of adults tum-ti-tumming, whistling random tunes or making exertion grunts whenever they moved. There was nothing happening sexually, any fumblings under a duvet were usually to find glasses or elbow snorers, that’s not good TV.’
‘Re-couplings involved pairings matched with compatible medications. We did manage to get one new couple on a date and they never spoke. In fact, for two of the days no one spoke at all! When they did it was to boast about the achievements of their progeny, which ended up in tit-for-tat snobbery.’
‘The bickering was good TV at first, but after they divided the villa up between separate groups and began to build fences we said enough is enough. I’m putting this whole sorry episode behind me, I’m sure we’ll have more fun in Thailand with ‘Goth Nihilism Cave’.
Image: Free-Photos/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Starmer ‘listening’ tour, third on the bill after Showaddywaddy
Sir Keir has decided to tour the UK, in order to hear how people from lots of different regions ‘don’t like him very much’. Listening to the concerns of voters, will enable him to understand that regardless of demographic or political leanings, everyone thinks he is a bit of a numpty.
The tour itself is a little bit underwhelming, with Sir Keir only allowed a five-minute set ahead the main acts – a Timmy Mallett lookalike and a variety entertainer who swallows spoons. Starmer’s own 90s revival – The Blair Witch Tribute Band – only has one song, which no wants to hear.
Each performance culminates in a theatrical focus group, complete with pyrotechnics and questions such as – ‘if the Labour Party was a jelly, what flavour would it be?’. Unsurprisingly questions like ‘why am I so sh$t?’ do not illicit the sympathetic response that Sir Keir was hoping for but tend to lead to the focus group just shrugging and saying, ‘you tell me’.
The most embarrassing moment of the tour came when Keith (sic) held a focus group for members of his own family, who subsequently claimed never to have heard of him. His agent explained: ‘This tour is about Keith reconnecting with his fans, but that presupposes there was a connection in the first place’.
Categories: Fake News
Britons returning from Staycations to self isolate
The government has noted that the UK has the highest incidence of covid in Europe and with immediate effect the whole of the UK is being put on Amber Plus alert status,’ said a government spokesperson today.
‘We are particularly concerned with the amount of UK residents taking a staycation, as by definition they are taking a holiday in one of the most highly infected regions in the world,’ he added. ‘From midnight tonight all Britons returning from a staycation, even if it was in their back garden, will have to self-isolate for ten days and pay for a PCR test.’
The Treasury has admitted that the new policy will hit the economy hard but a spokesman for the Treasury added that ‘with everyone in the UK having to pay for the PCR tests sometime over the summer the initiative will probably be cost neutral for the government, and especially welcome for friends of the Cabinet who have been awarded PCR test supply contracts.’
Categories: Fake News
UK takes the lead in Covid Olympics
Long before the athletics starts, the UK is already leading the medal table with eight self-isolations and a bronze medal in track and trace. Prior to the starting pistol going off, Britain has surged ahead with transmission surges.
During events, athletes will have to clear vaccine passport hurdles, sprint for vaccines and take a hop, skip and jump based on sketchy data. The Head of GB Athletics spoke of their pride: ‘We have golds in infection rates, corruption and Mo Farrah has a tickly cough’.
The Games will culminate in the Covid Relay, where British runners pass infected phlegm from one to another, over 100m and 400m. The closing ceremony, as hospitalizations peak, will be followed by the closing of the NHS.
Categories: Fake News
Giant iceberg to re-unite with Antarctica ‘for one night only’
Following the highly publicised split between Antarctica and the Luxembourg-sized iceberg known as A-68, promoters have persuaded the famous duo to get back together for one last time for the sake of the fans.
‘There are a lot of penguins still bereft at the big split’ said promoter Harvey Goldsmith. ‘Plus a lot of seals, walruses and that other big ugly sea mammal whose name escapes me. We have persuaded A-68 to turn around and rejoin his pal of three billion years for one great night of nostalgia.’
‘It’ll be just like old times’ said Goldsmith. ‘There have been some concerns expressed about possible cold weather, but we have hired thousands of patio heaters so we are expecting everything on the ice shelf to go swimmingly.’
Categories: Fake News
Nation pities poor Boris stoically self-isolating on massive country estate
Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.
A government spokestosser confirmed, “Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn’t do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.
“Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn’t happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is ‘doing a Gove’. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.”
In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.
Categories: Fake News
Public urged to count butterflies to distract from the Covid numbers
Naturalist Chris Packham has asked TV viewers to look the other way, put their fingers in their ears, while the UK records 50,000 new coronavirus cases, in one day. Rather than focus on doom and gloom, he has asked us to frolic through fields, towards the sunlit uplands of the Blue Remembered Hills, of Yesteryore.
A spokeswoman for the Big Butterfly Count said: ‘Concentrate on all the pretty colours. A delicate butterfly. That’s it. Lovely. Go to your happy place. Oh, look a rainbow! Whiskers on kittens. Marmalade on toast. Breath in. Breath out’.
The group were quick to emphasis that we should not be counting moths, as ‘no one likes them’. Instead, if we just keep counting the sheep, I mean butterflies, we will soon drift off into a peaceful sleep, as opposed to Covid’s eternal rest.
‘Just enjoy the butterflies and ignore the Covid. The beautiful butterflies…which, incidentally, are all dying out due to climate change’.
Categories: Fake News
Columbo guilty after LAPD concludes historical misconduct enquiry
A long-running investigation into misconduct at the Los Angeles Police Department finally concluded yesterday, delivering a damning verdict on Lieutenant Columbo, chief homicide investigator with the force from 1968 to 2003. In a period that saw an unprecedented rise in carefully pre-meditated murders of family members and business partners in the city, Columbo had enjoyed a 100 per cent conviction rate, putting away a remarkable 69 murderers with his legendary ability to solve complex cases in around 73 minutes (rising to 90 in the ABC years).
‘Columbo was a renegade cop, pure and simple, who rode roughshod over all principles of good policing,’ announced Chief Commissioner John Finnegan, who headed up the enquiry. ‘Harassment of suspects on 69 occasions. 37 cases of entrapment. Contamination of crime scenes with cigar smoke and dirt from that infested jacket. The list goes on and on.’
The enquiry resulted in dozens of victims coming forward, notably Patrick McGoohan, William Shatner and Jack Cassidy, who described intimidation by Columbo on an industrial scale. McGoohan was pestered by the grubby detective four separate times. ‘I kept changing occupations to try and evade Columbo, albeit always typecast as an ice cool murderer with a grudging respect for a clever adversary, obviously’ revealed McGoohan.
The investigation also revealed thousands of infringements of the standard US police show formula, including excessive reliance on the ‘reverse whodunnit’ and a complete refusal to include any bread and butter ‘detective-procedural’ filler scenes. One LA Medical Examiner during the 1970s, Quincy, described how Columbo would stubbornly refuse to retch and faint at the sight of a dead body on the slab, in direct contravention of forensic pathology TV series regulations. Retired LA Private Investigator Jim Rockford was also critical. ‘In 1974, it might have been okay to rely on ‘last number redial’ as the only hard piece of evidence against a criminal, but to use that in 14 different episodes?’ noted Rockford, shaking his head. ‘I compiled literally hundreds of instances of him continuing to question a suspect after formally concluding an interview. ‘Just one more thing?’ mimicked Rockford. ‘If only that was the case.’
Image:Â OpenClipart-vectors/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Pingageddon as NHS covid app forces entire UK population to self-isolate
The UK has informed the world that it’s now closed, and Downing Street has hung up a handwritten ‘Closed – Back in Five Weeks’ sign in the shop window. Everything is shut, including the nations favourite workplaces such as hospitals, Sports Direct warehouses and nail bars as workers stay at home.
The government’s self-destructive libertarian tendencies in opening everything up to keep its backbenchers happy means it has completely cocked it all up again, and it’s not business as usual.
A government spokesperson was quick to defend its policies.
‘Anyone can say we haven’t learned our lessons, that we were originally slow to lockdown and now we’ve been too hasty in coming out of lockdown. Now they are moaning about the NHS app. However, we need to remember that the app is an important tool in our fight against Covid and not a complete tool like the health secretary’.
‘Our trusted and valued colleagues in the private sector companies we all have shares in have closely scrutinized the blame list. It would appear that the Italian fans we allowed to come to the UK to watch a grossly unfair game of football have been up to no good in the virus spreading department’.
‘Please rest assured that this government will take imminent action should it need to take imminent action imminently. For example, if all the food runs out apart from a carton of pot noodle in Burnley, we do have a vital ‘Eat Anything to Stay Alive’ contract with our friends in North Korea’.
Categories: Fake News
