Fake News
Government to target victims of violent crime
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised to target victims of violent crime in an effort to make UK neighbourhoods a safer place to live. The government has said that victims of knife crime and gunshot wounds will be tagged once they are discharged from hospital and anyone who has suffered physical violence will be ordered to stay at home so that local police officers can monitor their location at all times. Victims of burglary will have their remaining possessions confiscated so that they cannot be burgled again and anyone involved in an alcohol-related crime will have their Nectar points taken away.
‘The easiest way to tackle crime is to take potential victims off the street’ said the PM ‘this means anyone walking the street is clearly up to no good…..whether they be a career criminal, an opportunist thief or a member of an organised crime gang…they will be easier to identify by their freedom to come and go as they please. We are aiming for a 100% anti-victim tolerance levels….no victim of crime will be safe on our streets.’
Drug dealers will be forced to make home deliveries, making it easier for police to identify and prosecute drug users. Social behaviour will not be tolerated. All future bus shelters would come pre-vandalised, councils would be asked to scatter used syringes and broken glass around playgrounds to deter kiddies from playing on the swings and any remaining youth club would be forced to close although this last initiative has probably already happened.
Victims of on-line fraud and confidence tricksters would also be targeted by new legislation now going through parliament with some having their computers and mobile phones confiscated so that it could not happen again.
However, the PM was quick to assure close friends and family that the awarding of eye-watering contracts for doing nothing in return would largely be unaffected as it was not actually a crime.
‘Schoolchildren are particularly vulnerable to criminal activity and bullying on their way to school every day. So the answer to that particular problem is obvious……..I don’t think I need explain it to you do I?
I have already notified our developer friends in the building industry about what will happen next.
They have already donated millions to party coffers and we haven’t even closed our first playgroup yet’.
Categories: Fake News
School to start selling random shit in retaliation for Aldi selling uniforms
A school is to start selling the weird, random shit that’s usually found in Aldi’s middle aisle in retaliation for the German supermarket giant’s decision to sell cut-pice uniforms.
From the beginning of next term, Rick Wakeman Academy in Romford will start selling hundreds of products – including mineral polishing kits, Bluetooth fax machines and gazebos – from their tuck shop.
“Woolworths, BHS and Blockbuster Video all tried to sell uniforms on my patch and look what happened to them. If Aldi wants a turf war, they’ve got one” said headmaster Nev Burke.
“Originally, I was going to sue them or, at the very least, take them on Judge Rinder”.
“However, although the jumpers and blazers Aldi are selling are almost identical to the academy’s, there’s no copyright infringement because they replaced the school badge with an embroidery of Cuthbert the Caterpillar. Bastards”.
Mr Burke added that he also intends to launch a loyalty scheme to encourage parents to continue to buy uniforms directly from the school. Perks of the scheme will include early access to exam questions, a meet-and-greet with the lollipop man and complimentary airbrushing of school photos.
Categories: Fake News
Crimestoppers hit by gobstoppers
Crimestoppers’ campaign to attract younger informants by offering free gobstoppers has ‘bockfried’ according to its CEO Mike Smythe. ‘Wore delsuhed wish gogshoppers an ish haulding bock our walk,’ he commented. ‘The pobom is theshe kids ahre phobing in to roport crimesh boct thore onintelligible ccosh they have got mauves foll of gogshockers we our shelves has hambid oup.’
It’s understood that Mr Smythe and his team have tried to diminish their pile of donated gobstoppers held at Crimestoppers HQ with a concentrated sucking campaign, which has led to call centre workers and those that call them having conversations neither can understand.
Mr Smythe said: ‘This hash memp a pershect shtorn, cobbubications wives, wiv urshent crimesh mishreforted.’ The problem has been compounded by the fact that the 480 kilos of gobstoppers that Crimestoppers thought were a charitable donation were actually stolen with, say Crimestoppers, ‘the intention of pervorting the cosh of juss pish’. This has led to the organisation launching a nationwide helpline to catch the confectionery thieves. Mr Smythe said ‘anygun wish informashoh shoub call ush om: oh aitch humbled aitch fibe nibe five. I’ll repeach that oh aitch humbled aitch fye nibe fibe’.
Categories: Fake News
May completes Brexit deal by agreeing to stay in EU
Prime Minister Theresa May has successfully concluded Brexit negotiations on the first day that she took over them – but accidentally committed to remaining in the EU. ‘At first we were all slightly confused because she just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ and ‘strong and stable’ at us,’ said Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiating officer. ‘But eventually we had a rigorous debate. She was as tough with us as she is at Prime Minister’s Question Time – so it was quite easy.’
Hours went by and the deal while the deal was thrashed out behind closed doors. Recently appointed – and even more recently deputised – Brexit secretary Dominic Rabb said the negotiations were ‘fierce’ before adding: ‘Well, they sounded like it through the keyhole I was listening at. But I didn’t like to pry too much because Mrs May said it wasn’t any of my business.’
After just three hours Barnier and a confused looking May appeared before the press to announce the details of the deal. ‘We spent the last few hours listening to Mrs May’s demands and looking at the Chequers White Paper,” Barnier said. “We still have no idea of what her Government wants. There seemed to be no common ground and then we had a breakthrough and found areas we agreed upon, which was to piss Boris off.’
‘We laughed a lot, far more than we ever did with David Davies,’ Barnier continued. ‘Mrs May was willing to make quite a few concessions to get at Boris. She conceded on the issue of blue passports, the need to leave the EU and the future of her political career.’ May was led away whilst mumbling ‘Brexit means Boris’. Meanwhile, Home Secretary Sajid Javid said the deal meant the UK would not object if the EU wanted to bring the death penalty for Nigel Farage.
Categories: Fake News
Six year old violinist happy with progress as neighbour suggests studying abroad. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Passport Control officials to re-train as nightclub bouncers
Following the news that nightclub attendees will need to show vaccine passports from the end of September onwards, immigration control workers are preparing to adapt their skills at refusing entry to people they don’t like the look of.
With fewer flights arriving in the UK than is customary in August, there was a real prospect of airports having sufficient staff in Passport Control to deal with demand. However, the re-training and subsequent redeployment of the majority of the department to nightclubs around the country will see a return to the customary inadequate provision and the usual delays of up to three hours.
These staff will be re-trained to scrutinise a different set of passport documentation than they are used to and then use their powers of discretion to admit attractive groups of girls out on a hen night, attractive girls with barely anything on, girls that may be less attractive but could be up for it, and maybe some young, weedy lads that they could punch into the middle of next week if they felt like it. They will also be trained to feel like it.
Queue mismanagement is one aspect of the job that will be very familiar to former passport control personnel. Many are used to having one official dealing slowly and painstakingly with the longest queue while four others are on duty in the fast-track route having a brief sociable chat with people as they breeze past. This will simply be replicated for the public entrance compared to the VIP and Mates of Doormen entrance.
Acting as bouncers is likely to come naturally to some officials already experienced at turning away disappointed applicants based on questionable motives. Others may need reassurance that wearing trainers is sufficient grounds for saying, ‘I don’t care what you say or who you are, it’s up to me and I say you’re not coming in.’
Categories: Fake News
Family shocked: ‘We’ve got a bread maker?!?’
Despite the evidence to the contrary, the Begum family have denied all knowledge of the bread maker they have found at the back of one of their kitchen cupboards. The object in question, was discovered next to a series of other discarded items; a spiralizer, a waffle maker, a TARDIS centre console full of fruit and the NHS track & trace App.
Gathering dust, no one could remember purchasing said item, let alone using it. ‘When did we buy that?’ asked Dad. ‘Was it a deeply unromantic anniversary gift?’ quizzed Mum ‘Is it an old mobile phone?’ said one of the kids.
The Begums from Manchester, are not alone in wondering why they have an electric pepper grinder and what the hell is an avocado holder? What started as an attempt to clear out a cupboard, has now revealed enough space to a fit a spare bedroom, with an ensuite, which probably explains the TARDIS console, if not the fruit.
Remarked Mum: ‘It’s just another unwanted thing, taking up space in the kitchen’. ‘Just like me,’ agreed Dad. ‘Where do you put the SIM card?’ asked the kids, who had not been paying attention to any of this.
Categories: Fake News
Northerners believed to be targeted by Pegasus pieware
Pegasus pieware is a pieware that can be covertly installed in pies to detect who exactly has eaten them. The pieware is capable of collecting passwords and location tracking.
It was discovered three weeks ago by Eddie Fazackerley, a furloughed organic hobnailed boot designer from Wigan. Mr Fazackerley noticed a failed installation attempt on his beef and potato iPie.
‘If that pieware had fully exploited my security vulnerabilities and obtained unrestricted access to the filling, there’s no telling the havoc it would wreak.
Luckily I managed to pour on my gravy in the nick of time, which seemed to neutralise its operational parameters and stop it infecting my pie’.
A spokesperson for Mi6 said it was the most sophisticated remote pie attack ever, and that in-depth analysis confirmed that the pieware was being widely used against Northerners.
‘Clearly, whoever is behind all this wants to find out who has eaten all the pies, and we’d recommend that all Northerners protect themselves by also eating all the gravy’.
Categories: Fake News
Middle class meltdown as Waitrose closes stores
Many of Britain’s middle class have been placed on suicide watch following yesterday’s news that Waitrose is to close seven of its supermarkets. Conchita Marquez-Pommeroy, a devotee of the Waitrose brand who lives in Kensington and does all of her shopping with the retailer said: ‘This is very concerning development and although thankfully our local store is safe for now.’
‘Roger my husband told me he doesn’t want to have to source his Duchy Original product ranges online, as he is perfectly happy for me to pay ridiculously over the odds just to retain the convenience of being able to pop them, ever so easy-peasy into my trolley in-store.’
Already there have been reports of panic buying and widespread hoarding from customers whose local branches are closing, with stocks of Quail eggs, Shiitake mushrooms, Iberico ham and Nduja sausage said to be running perilously low.
One tearful shopper, speaking this morning from behind the wheel of her BMW X6 as she waited for the doomed Marlow branch to open sobbed: ‘What a betrayal, what a kick in the teeth this is. And talk about rubbing our noses in the dirt! As if it’s not bad enough that they’re closing our store… I have found out that it’s being sold to… L-L-L-L Lidl.’
However, not all are despondent at the news. One estate agent, who asked for his name to be withheld, said that business has boomed since the news emerged. ‘Affected people are desperate to move to the catchment area of a Waitrose that is saying open,’ said Colin Purple-Bricks. ‘People whose branches are being closed or worse are really panicking. House prices have fallen by over 15% in some areas.’
Hat tip Mick Turate
Categories: Fake News
Tom Daley wins Gold in Synchronized Tube Station Diving
Tom Daley has added to his medal haul with an exceptional performance in London’s
submerged, rat-infested tube stations.
The British aquatic sport’s poster boy excelled in the brand new event that was introduced to take full advantage of Climate Change induced flash-flooding wherever it occurs.
Despite a packed station at Elephant and Castle, Daley saw off a late surge from the Chinese divers and dazzled judges with his trademark pike, which he managed to execute from a potentially dangerous static escalator.
However, the young diving wonder was left distraught after discovering that his Oyster Card was completely soggy and is no longer recognised by the purpose-built scanning devices.
“Naturally, I’m delighted to come first, especially after finding that jumping into water in a graceful fashion was having an adverse effect on my modelling career,” Daley told reporters as excess rainwater dripped from his muscular torso and the wind from a passing storm tossed his lustrous head of hair.
“My reverse tailspin off the roof of temporarily closed Pret a Manger had the judges salivating, not that you could tell due to the sheer volume of floodwater.”
“But to receive a perfect score of ten from the buskers was a career highlight. That said, they did do a pretty shit cover of Wonder Wall and I wasn’t going to part with my hard-won change for any fucker.”
“I just hope I can repeat this amazing feat when anthropogenic global warming exceeds two degrees C, the Hammersmith Line reaches saturation point and Londoners’ commutes are regularly interrupted by taciturn floating corpses.”
On what was widely touted as a fantastic day for Team GB, Daley and partner Matty Lee’s success was not without a sour note.
The super-tanned, lithe embodiment of all that is wholesome about water added:
“Sadly, I’ve been fined £250 for performing a triple forward splash without a valid ticket to Tottenham Court Road.”
Categories: Fake News
Protest at ban of shitty fingered “anti-hand washers” from finger-food buffet
People who refuse to wash their hands after shitting are protesting for being denied access to finger-food buffets, in countries fortunate enough to offer free hand washing.
Finger-food buffet organisers note that while different hand washing detergents offer different risks and benefits, all options are better than eating with shitty fingers.
One protester said “of course we should have the choice to not wash our hands after shitting, my hands my choice, but how dare people not make us welcome to share finger foods with them at their private functions, it’s like sticking two shitty fingers up to freedom”
Sunner
Image: drfuenteshernandez/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Met Police officer ‘shamed’ for having committed no crime
PC Josh Frost, 31, has been suspended from duties pending an enquiry into his lack of illicit behaviour and his reluctance to beat up students. His line manager commented: ‘It would be at this point that any normal officer would offer a bribe or try to blackmail me into releasing him. Let’s just see if PC Frost has what it takes?’
The scandal that has rocked the Metropolitan Police, has shown that Frost has had years of normal policing and has not once stalked or murdered anyone. He has steadfastly refused to turn a blind eye to local gangsters or even vote for Nick Clegg.
He even flunked joining the armed police, SCO19, as he refused to shoot the wrong person. A colleague remarked: ‘Josh has been a nightmare to work with, he speaks to witnesses, he diligently gathers evidence – and that’s just as likely to end up with one us in gaol’.
However, there is one crime they hope to pin on him – impersonating a police officer.
Categories: Fake News
Employees who murder their boss ‘more likely to be promoted’
Killing your boss may be a better career move than sucking up to him, a new study by a leading recruitment think tank claims. ‘Anyone seriously interested in advancing their career should be investing in a meat cleaver or a length of lead piping,’ said Glen Pattison of Recruitment Strategies Institute. An ounce of blunt instrument is worth a ton of hard work and sycophancy.’
Office manager Greg Linney, 38, of Northampton, agrees as his career is flying and his obnoxious ex-team leader is now encased in concrete under his patio. ‘Laughing at his jokes and letting him win at golf just wasn’t working out,’ said Linney ‘so I invited him back to my place ‘for a few cans’ and I haven’t looked back since. Before I knew it I’d got his job and his nice office, away from that annoying hum of the printer.’
Meanwhile, Rob Peasley of Leicester considers himself ‘the Ted Bundy of career advancement’. Having killed and dismembered two of his superiors in the NHS trust where he worked, he was later snapped up by a leading IT company. However, he warned that getting to the top is much harder in the private sector. ‘I had to hold my new boss’s head under water for a lot longer – they have that survival instinct you’d don’t find in the pampered nationalised industries,’ he explained.
For people who feel squeamish about committing homicide for the sake of a salary increase, Pattison advised them to spend four to six hours per day playing bloodthirsty video games to desensitise themselves. ‘When I started work here, I was barely able to swat a fly. But after staying up all night playing Decapitation Derby in my basement for six months, I soon made short work of my annoying prat of a supervisor. I still use his left testicle as a paperweight.’
Categories: Fake News
Snow leopard loses top spot. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Record Met Police officers pinged off work. Abductions, rapes, murders plunge. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Witch King of Angmar condemned by orc rank and file
The Witch King of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul, has been condemned by Lugburz Grishnakh – leader of the Orc Federation as “Useless and not representing the interests of our members” Mr Grishnakh, representing orc and cave troll rank and file said “He has lost the confidence of the federation. The proposed increase in man-flesh allowance to seven kilos a day is nothing less than an insult”
Speaking from his office in Barad-Dur yesterday, the Mouth of Sauron asserted that “The Witch King has demonstrated time and time again his commitment to the orc force but he can’t give what he doesn’t have. Seven kilos of man-flesh is more than most people are getting. Don’t forget Mordor has just faced the biggest crisis in unliving memory. We don’t have a magic man-tree you know”
The Witch King, widely seen as a divisive, bullying, tyrant with no moral compass, no inter-personal skills and very little understanding of anything at all, responded to reporters, saying “Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss”, before mounting his government-issue giant reptile type thing and flying off.
ArthurPyke
Categories: Fake News
Study reveals difference between self-absorbed narcissist and slackers
A study carried out by Nottingham University has revealed that people who spend hours and hours in front of a mirror working on their body image look marginally better than those who couldn’t give a toss.
A survey of 30-40 year old men who spent over an hour each morning showering, applying oil and charcoal cleanser to their skin, preening their facial hair and working on the perfect fade tended to look slightly better than those who had a quick shower, dragged a comb through their hair, applied some Lynx roll-on deodorant and gargled with a bit of Listerine.
Likewise women who spend hours getting their eye liner and blush just right looked better than those who simply used a wet wipe or a damp cloth to freshen up in the morning.
‘For men body shape is everything….but not all men can work on a building site or want to become a farm labourer….some of them are system analysts or software engineers or work at Subway ….so for them it’s all about working out at the gym and getting the right steroid regime.
It’s very important that they look like the cool guy off Love Island ….even if they do send their working day plastering mayo and beetroot on a tuna melt …..for them there’s nothing like having the whitest teeth on the dance floor at Legend’s nightclub or the most buffed guy buying grouting mix in B&Q.
And they might just be up a ladder cleaning the gutters or fishing a dead bird out of the drainpipe….but which singlet do you wear…..all these things matter to the fashion conscious and self aware.
And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want their dentists assistant to look like she just walked off the set at a Paris fashion shoot or was auditioning to be the love interest in the next Bond movie’.
Astonishing results.
Our next study will be trying to find out why attractive young men and women always seem to fall for older partners with pots of money.
We think the findings might astonish some people’.
Categories: Fake News
Couple who booked a holiday of a lifetime in Leicester still waiting for refund
Bill and Margaret Evans were really looking forward to their ‘once in a lifetime’ holiday to Leicester, but were gutted when Leicester was locked down again just as they were planning to catch the bus after a roller-coaster few months of worry. Now their holiday is ruined and there’s no sign of a refund in sight.
‘We re-mortgaged the house, cut back on Dominos Pizzas and even renegotiated our Sky package to afford the holiday,’ said Bill, while acknowledging the Sky deal had ‘backfired a little’ as he ended up paying £30 a month more. ‘But I did get Sky Sports added,’ he said.
‘We normally make sound decisions – we backed the winning side in the Brexit vote and feel we were instrumental in ensuring the best team possible was in charge for the coronavirus pandemic. This was such an unexpected situation especially as we book this once in a lifetime holiday every year,’ he said.
When asked about insurance, Bill shrugged. ‘Like I say, we make sound decisions and generally leave that one until the night before – no point spending money on something you’ll never need,’ he said.
Categories: Fake News
