Fake News

Corbyn says Hodge is acting like judge and jewry. More soon

News Biscuit - Mon, 07/23/2018 - 6:33am

dominic_mcg

Categories: Fake News

Shock as Barry Hearn lined up to promote reformed Oasis tour

News Biscuit - Mon, 07/23/2018 - 4:00am

A tweet by Liam Gallagher to his brother, Noel, saying Britpop icons Oasis should reform years after their acrimonious break-up has had the music business in a complete spin and experts are suggesting if the reunion does take place, demand will be the hottest and most likely to kick off in the history of live entertainment. Consequently boxing promoter Barry Hearn has been lined up to promote it.

‘I’m perfectly placed to handle this,’ Hearn said. ‘These lads detest one another and if each show makes it to even a second song on every gig I’ll be astounded. I’m used to the fight game and I can handle it better than anyone else. They’d be mad not to pick me and roll with it.’

Meanwhile former Hearn protégé, snooker genius turned Rave DJ Steve Davis, said the idea of Hearn promoting the tour might just have legs. In a break between bustin’ out some bangin’ beats and wicked grooves at an all-nighter and using his talent for understatement he commented: ‘You know, I think it could be rather interesting.’

Categories: Fake News

Husband fails to conceal adoration for University Challenge contestant

News Biscuit - Mon, 07/23/2018 - 2:00am

Quiz fanatic Douglas Poulter was in hot water last night after an attractive female University Challenge contestant left him dumb-struck for several starters for ten. The usually vocal know-it-all was conspicuously slack-jawed for at least five rounds of questions while he indulged in a silent reverie that featured the young history student in a translucent summer dress, a steamy Athenian grove, and a hastily devoured picnic of oysters and figs.

It was only when Douglas’ increasingly suspicious wife Janice eventually deployed a sharp elbow to his ribs that the 46-year-old loss adjuster noticed there was a map on the TV screen, and that area C was ‘oh … errrm … Lake Superior … no, Michigan.’ The atmosphere of suspicion lingered in the Poulters’ sitting room for the remainder of the programme. Afterwards, when Douglas asked Janice if she fancied a cup of tea just as Victoria Coren began her weekly flirt to camera, and then also loaded the dishwasher without being reminded to, his guilty conscience was confirmed beyond any doubt.

However, since then Douglas has reasserted his own sense of authority with his regular method of telling anyone he can corner all about his 14 year reign over the village quiz team and their dominance of the local quiz league. He claims that this achievement is largely thanks to his early adoption of internet access technology in 1993, and his subsequent passion for the complete works of Wikipedia; although most psychiatrists would probably say that Douglas’ mastery of all things trivial is due to his wife’s unilateral decision not to have children.

Unfortunately for Douglas, he is expected to miss the sultry undergraduate’s next appearance on the show as, under instruction from Janice, he’ll be in the attic for at least half an hour looking for an old pressure cooker that she threw out fifteen years ago.

Categories: Fake News

Rees-Mogg ready to face world after total makeover

News Biscuit - Sun, 07/22/2018 - 3:55pm

Conservative curiosity Jacob Rees-Mogg is reported to be ready to face the word under his new identity of Jake ‘The Geezer’ Moggster, after spending a week at an exclusive boot camp in an attempt to reinvent himself as a right tough-nut. The move comes as a prelude to making an attempt at grabbing the party leadership from beleaguered Theresa May and giving her a good hard slap on the way out.

The bespectacled oddity is said to have dropped his ultra upper class Wodehousian persona along with his double-barrelled surname, and is instead now modelling himself more on Danny Dyer than Gussie Fink-Nottle. A photograph is circulating on Twitter showing the now heavily tattooed North-East Somerset MP stripped to the waist and mugging to the camera with his fists raised, challenging any Remainers to come and have a go if they think they’re hard enough.

His constituency agent told reporters: ‘All will be revealed shortly, but there is some truth in the current speculation. Jake Mogg will be holding a press conference at Westminster and will be also making an important announcement. Now fark orf and write something proper cushty if you know what’s good for you, you muppets.’

Meanwhile supporters of the Moggester are said to be delighted. Darren Clapp, from Peckham whose parents, during the Thatcher years, bought the dilapidated flat in the tower block where he now lives said: ‘Great news. I think that Mr Rees-Mogg really connects with me and my kind. Some say he’s a bit stuck-up but I won’t have it. Empathy with the scum of the earth like me is his real skill.’

‘He knows what the poor and disadvantaged have to endure and now he’s going to be a well proper geezer in Parliament too and that, then I can’t wait for him to right all those wrongs. I’m hoping we can welcome him down the pub shortly and, if he could glass me and call a nonce, then I can die happy. Sorted.’

Categories: Fake News

Elon Musk to rescue May from Brexit hole

News Biscuit - Sun, 07/22/2018 - 4:00am

Having been trapped for many weeks between a rock and a hard Brexit, hope was starting to fade for Theresa May.  However entrepreneur, Elon Musk, has said he can pull her out of the dark, piss-smelling cave that is Jacob Rees-Mogg’s mind.

Mrs May has been stuck in a hole of her own making for over a year, alongside David Davis, a DUP IOU and a small Thai boy.  Nobody knows why the small boy was there, but it might explain why David Davis has been so distracted of late.

Mr. Musk is confident he has the technology to navigate the u-bend that Mrs May’s White Paper has been flushed down.  The submersible will first be sent 10 feet into Boris Johnson’s rectum – nobody is actually trapped there, but everyone agrees that it would be a funny thing to do.

Rumours persist that Mrs May has had to eat her own excrement to survive – but only when it comes to the North Irish border.  One of the rescuers said: ‘We expect her to exit unscathed – which is more than can be said for the UK’.

Categories: Fake News

Tech support companies slam school-leavers’ lack of sarcasm skills

News Biscuit - Sun, 07/22/2018 - 2:00am

A consortium of IT support call centres and high-street computer and telephone retailers today called on the government to radically improve the smirking, sneering, eye-rolling and ironic intonation abilities of Britain’s young people.

‘The number of youngsters we are seeing with helpful, constructive attitudes to customer services is frankly disgraceful,’ said an industry spokesman. ‘The education system just isn’t equipping young people with the passive-aggressive uncooperativeness they need to patronise customers properly.’

A manager of an O2 store on Oxford Street agrees. ‘God knows it’s not rocket science. If a customer asks for a piece of equipment, just tell him we don’t have it and can’t get it in. Too often these kids are trying to offer an alternative product or give helpful advice. It’s damaging our reputation.’

Education secretary Michael Gove was quick to acknowledge there was a problem and promised to give the industry whatever support it needed. ‘You see what we’re up against,’ sighed the O2 manager.

the coarse whisperer

Categories: Fake News

Brexit Trousers – by Madness

News Biscuit - Sat, 07/21/2018 - 3:55pm

Wealthy boys from public schools
Leavers breaking all the rules
Turning red and being fools
Acting like a bunch of tools
All the ministers in the bars
Whizzing round in posh black cars
Trying not to think of when
The Brexit Bill comes up again

Oh what fun they had
When Brexit went and turned out bad
All they ever learned
Was sitting there while Britain burned
Oh what fun they had
Doing something that was mad
Trying different ways
To make a difference to their pay

Theresa’s had enough today
Dave and Boris went away
Gone to hatch another plan
To send the country down the pan
Jacob makes a Latin pun
Liam thinks it’s all such fun
And they always pass the buck
For this massive clusterf*ck

Oh what fun we had
And at the time we were so glad
Labour did sod all
And now they’re heading for a fall
Oh what fun we had
The promises were iron-clad
Will they now confess
They want to kill the NHS?

Fifty girls, six hundred boys
Lots of bribes and lots of noise
Michael tries to make his mark
Keeping people in the dark
Fresh-pressed trousers, Harrod’s shirt
On the telly dishing dirt
But they sold us all a pup
And Britain will be breaking up

Brexit trousers
Profits trousered
Brexit trousers

[Repeat to fade into poverty and obscurity]

Categories: Fake News

Spitfire ace death causes Ryanair to encounter turbulence

News Biscuit - Sat, 07/21/2018 - 4:00am

Ryanair Chief Executive Michael O’Leary has expressed his deep regret over the death of Battle of Britain ace Squadron Leader Geoffrey Wellum.

‘He was meant to be taking over the reins on 16 flights between Ireland and the UK on Tuesday if the pilots’ strike is on. We’d even stripped the roof off the cockpit of an Airbus A380 because Geoffrey liked to feel the wind rushing through his hair’ commented a panic-stricken O’Leary.

The youngest of all the Battle of Britain pilots, Geoffrey flew virtually continuously during the war and admitted the Ryanair job would be a ‘veritable doddle’, but was a little disappointed when told although there would be ‘enemy’ aircraft visible he was not to shoot them down.

A number of other restrictions were placed on the RAF ace: gin and tonics were strictly for the passengers, flight attendants were forbidden to sit on his lap during the flight and he was to be limited to one, possibly two victory rolls.

Michael O’Leary added, ‘Does anyone have Harrison Ford’s Number?’

Categories: Fake News

Middle urinals officially confirmed as ‘for emergencies only’

News Biscuit - Sat, 07/21/2018 - 2:00am

Male toilet-goers have welcomed confirmation from public toilet architects that any urinal which forces another man to stand directly beside you is to be used only in case of extreme emergencies.

The announcement comes on the heels of a government study that reveals a steady increase in awkward restroom related behaviour. ‘Look we’ve all been in that position, when your willy feels like it’s about to pop like a water balloon. If that’s the case no one will judge you. Otherwise, follow the rules and keep your distance, couldn’t be clearer than that,’ said Dave.

A left-handed urinater added, ‘it’s worse for us but no one seems to care. Nine times out of ten the guy next to you is right handed, and if he stands on your left there is a good chance the arm you use to hold your tackle will brush the arm he is holding his with. It’s a horrible, sex charged brush.’

It is thought the biggest perpetrators are simply unaware of the damage they cause. Some men find they become unable to go at all and are forced to pretend to be relieving themselves before bolting for a free cubicle when no one is watching.

Further guidelines recommend that tall men should retain their dignity by keeping all their business to a cubicle, while those with an enormous penis should ‘do the decent thing’ and ‘piss off somewhere else’.

Hooch

Categories: Fake News

From Bonko Records: Classic hits for the Trump generation

News Biscuit - Sat, 07/21/2018 - 12:30am

On LP and cassette from Monday all of Donnie’s Favourite hits.

Including:

Woman, Cry by Bob Marley

Yes, Yes, Yes by Dawn Penn

Would It Be Nice? by The Beach Boys

Aint not no stopping us now

Mountain high enough

Aint no no sunshine in my life

I can’t not get no satisfaction

With such timeless classics as:

Wouldn’t Heart by Elvis Presley

Sister Sledge with We Aren’t Family

Ol’ Blue Eyes himself with They Can Take That Away From Me

and The Beatles with Wouldn’t You Like To Know a Secret, She Doesn’t Love You No, No, No

Who couldn’t forget the 80s classics…

Would It Be Good? by Nik Kershaw

Bros with I Owe You £24.77

We’re Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister

and who wouldn’t not love Madonna’s Papa Preach?

There’s something for everyone on this new compilation from the 50s right up to the modern day.

The Police with De don’t don’t don’t, De da da da

Knock off Woodn’t by Amii Stewart

With classics like Ariana Grande’s Dream It’s Over and Band Aid’s Don’t They Know It’s Not Christmas? who wouldn’t not want to enjoy this wall of sound and have Mexico pay for it?

As Donald himself said, “The quality of my presidency cannot not be overestimated. To be blunt, people wouldn’t not buy these songs chosen by and for me. They just would. Or wouldn’t not. Why not? Maybe because I’m so good looking.”

What better recommendation wouldn’t you have not possibly not wanted?

 

dominic_mcg hat-tips to chrisf, DavidH, Skylarking, tamoshanter

Categories: Fake News

Angry viewers slam Sky Sports over its Open Golf coverage

News Biscuit - Fri, 07/20/2018 - 3:55pm

Satellite broadcaster, Sky, has come under fire today from angry viewers incandescent with rage over its coverage of this year’s Open golf championship.

One subscriber called a radio phone-in show, on nutters’ favourite network, LBC, to complain. Richard Black, a xenophobic bigot from Canvey Island told Nick Ferrari: ‘I have become accustomed to Sky’s coverage and really like the way they do things. Their golf coverage is normally so much better than when that BBC loony lefty lot used to show it.’

‘But today has really annoyed me. There’s far too much golf being mixed into the normal wall-to-wall gambling, money-lending and insurance adverts. If I wanted to see that amount of golf then I’d have gone to Carnoustie and stood there gawping at it myself. I’m missing Ray Winstone’s over the top Cockney rasp. The wife loves them little Muskrats even though they ain’t British.’

And roulette enthusiast Arthur Meadowes agrees: ‘It’s been awful. I have been trying to see what odds I can get on two flies climbing up a wall and it’s just golf golf effing golf! Potentially I’ve gone and saved myself a fortune now. It’s a bloody disgrace. ‘

Meanwhile bookies, Paddy Power, is offering to pay Sky an undisclosed sum if they ‘tone down’ the golf content for the remainder of the tournament and go back to its usual sports to adverts ratio; normally 98%-2%

Categories: Fake News

Piers Morgan’s ‘snail trail’ cured my verruca claims ITV cleaner

News Biscuit - Fri, 07/20/2018 - 7:00am

A 54-year-old cleaner who works in the Good Morning Britain studio is claiming that stepping in the trail of slime left by presenter, Piers Morgan, cleared up a stubborn verruca on her right foot just hours after the incident occurred.

Mrs Tracy Dell, from Whitechapel in East London, told newsmen: “It happened last Monday lunchtime. I was mopping up Piers Morgan’s slime, or his snail trail as we call it, when I accidentally stepped in a bit that I’d missed.

“It was a very hot day and I was working barefoot at the time so I ended up with a fair bit of slime on the underside of my foot. Some even oozed up between my toes

“I was horrified and dunked my foot in my bucket to rinse it off straight away, but what I didn’t realise was that his slime was getting to work on my verruca and that a cure was just hours away.

“When I took my shoes off at home later it was gone. I couldn’t believe my luck to be honest, and if Piers wasn’t such an ocean-going dickwad, I’d thank him personally”

Mrs Dell’s revelation comes just 2 weeks after a 35-year-old ardent Remain voter who had a furious face-to-face slanging match in the street with Conservative backbencher and Brexit hardliner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, told The Sunday Times that flecks of Rees-Mogg’s spittle had cleared up his blackheads.

Jonny Shlep

Categories: Fake News

Elon Musk claims exclusive rights to all future disaster victims

News Biscuit - Fri, 07/20/2018 - 4:00am

Having been cheated out of the credit for the Thai cave rescue, the Tesla CEO has drawn up legal agreements to give him property rights over all victims of earthquakes, tsunamis and other disasters from now on. There are further plans afoot for the coming geothermal apocalypse expected in East Asia to be branded as the “Tesla Volcano© ”

The billionaire has warned that “misery piracy” by people who don’t run big tech companies is ruining competitive philanthropy for people like him and George Soros. “Photogenic victims are being snapped up by absolute nobodies”, he complained. “Proper handling of a natural disaster requires the sort of skill that can only be acquired by someone who has had to cope with situations where a self-drive car broadsides a 50-ton truck or bursts into flames in downtown LA”.

Meanwhile, regarding the incipient famine in Sudan, Mr Musk has warned Bill Gates: “Stay away, I saw it first!”

Categories: Fake News

Parliamentary debates to get Hawkeye

News Biscuit - Fri, 07/20/2018 - 2:00am

New technology based on the Hawkeye system is being introduced to the House of Commons which will show instantly whether or not insults thrown during debates have hit the target. Observers believe it could have a significant effect on the outcome of parliamentary votes.

Obvious big hits will not need to be challenged but now, for more nuanced and subtle digs, MPs will be able to ‘go upstairs’ for a decision from the third umpire. Further ‘Hotspot’ technology will be able to tell whether or not there is a flush on the cheeks of an embarrassed MP, or even previously hidden trouser incidents, which will now allow votes to be taken with confidence and avoid any bad feeling or hindsight regrets.

As with all such systems however, the time limits on debates means the number of challenges permitted on both sides of the house will be restricted. ‘It may lead to a situation where someone, say it’s someone important, like David Cameron, says something so wrong that he should have the grace to accept his fate and walk out of the chamber, but with no challenges remaining he could conceivably just stay there and brazen it out,’ said BBC political editor Geoffrey Boycott, ‘It’s just not cricket, is that.’

Categories: Fake News

Interflora: say it with margarine

News Biscuit - Fri, 07/20/2018 - 12:53am
Categories: Fake News
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