Fake News

Mercedes driver branded ‘selfish and arrogant’ by angry shoppers

News Biscuit - Fri, 11/24/2017 - 3:55pm

Shoppers at a Gloucester supermarket have criticised the driver of a Mercedes Benz 2544 after he parked his vehicle across several clearly defined parking spaces.  The driver of the Mercedes – who left the vehicle parked across the parking bays for over 8 hours – was branded as ‘selfish, thoughtless and arrogant’ by the shoppers who rounded on him saying he and the rest of his crew were not the sort of people they wanted in their town.
Angry shopper Delia Parsons from Quedgeley told the driver that if he couldn’t park his vehicle properly then he ought to think about finding something smaller, while friend Stella Lloyd said it was the old folk and the mums with kiddies she felt most sorry for.  ‘He’s been sat in his cab all day playing with his phone’ said Mrs. Parsons, ’I don’t think he’s even been in and bought anything’.
Some shoppers showed their frustration by surrounding the vehicle with shopping trolleys, with one shopper throwing an egg at the windscreen while others made obscene gestures at the driver as they drove past.  Mrs. Parsons said that some shoppers had been seen boarding the vehicle to confront the crew all day long but had all left 30/40 minutes later.  Some of them were ‘looking visibly shaken while others were clearly overcome with emotion,’ she said.
‘I don’t know what’s going on in there but one lady left in floods of tears,’ said Mrs Parsons, ’it shouldn’t be allowed.If they don’t do something about it then I’ll do my shopping elsewhere’.
Supermarket manager Todd Harris said the supermarket took anti-social parking very seriously and would be monitoring the situation. ‘I’ve spoken with the driver’ said Mr. Harris, ‘and told him that if he doesn’t move we’ll be calling the police.  He’s gone now – hopefully that’s the last we will see of him.’

Categories: Fake News

Saying Espresso with an ‘X’ won’t damage your health

News Biscuit - Fri, 11/24/2017 - 7:00am

Scientist have confirmed that mispronouncing up to three cups of artisan coffee a day, has no noticeable impact on your health – but it will make you look like ‘a bit of a d$ck’. Likewise calling Quinoa ‘kee-NO-ah’ will not make you ill, yet could still result in a severe tutting.
Previously it was thought that a coffee faux pas could have serious repercussions for your prestige and house prices in the local area. Despite this, moderate hot beverage pretension is safe, but should only be done in the presence of a qualified barista or someone who ‘actually gives a sh$t’.
Explained one scientist: ‘We gave white rats cups of tea, but they only lived for 2-3 years. But when we gave a human coffee, their life expectancy reached 60-70 years. Coffee clearly has many important health qualities; but as a doctor I have to advise against ordering a grande, half-sweet, decaf, caramel macchiato with soy milk – as it sounds stupid’.
Coffee snobs will be pleased to know that serving a latte with insufficient froth still carries a custodial sentence in parts of the UK. Remarked one researcher: ‘People who spend an eternity ordering the perfect coffee don’t live longer. It just feel like that’.

Categories: Fake News

Daily Mail to go ‘100% made-up’

News Biscuit - Fri, 11/24/2017 - 4:00am

Deconstructed toilet roll, popular with xenophobes, homophobes, racists and bigots alike, The Daily Mail has announced that from next Monday’s print run that it will go ‘100% made-up’, bringing to an end its longstanding run of just being 99.999999999998% fictitious.

A spokesman for single-ply shiny tabloid, pretending to be a journalist said: ‘We thought it was about time to make this move. It’s been long overdue to be honest and our readership was crying out for it. So as from next week the day and date, currently the only factual information printed in each edition, will become totally random thus making everything in the paper, without exception, 100% made-up. We are launching with a special collector’s edition when the date we’re printing will be Stardate 41153.7.’

Reports that the Mail’s masthead will change from its traditional Royal Coat of Arms to a gay Muslim dole-scrounger being savaged by a British Bulldog are yet to be confirmed.

Chipchase

 

Categories: Fake News

Churchill to take up role as new press watchdog

News Biscuit - Fri, 11/24/2017 - 2:00am

After a decade and a half of advising people on their car insurance, the famous talking dog Churchill is to take up the hotly-debated role of independent press watchdog advocated by Lord Justice Leveson’s report on press standards.

‘It is important that this new regulatory body is independent of newspapers and the government, and is headed by a figure who commands public respect. Churchill meets both these criteria,’ said Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, today. ‘I met him this morning to ask whether he supported a tougher form of self-regulation of the press with a robust statutory underpinning, and he nodded his head and said ‘Oooh yes’.’

In his new role as press watchdog Churchill will be able to investigate complaints, impose fines and demand corrections or apologies. It is understood he will be supported by Martin Clunes who will take day-to-day responsibility for examining complaints about the conduct of the press, with Churchill overseeing the operation of the regulatory body while riding a lawnmower up and down in the background.

A series of adverts to explain the complexities of the new regulatory system has been welcomed by the press. In the first a newspaper editor asks, ‘Oi, Churchill! Can you save me money on my legal bills by advising me not to hack the phones of murdered schoolgirls?’, to which the popular dog nods his head and replies, ‘Oooh yes’. In the second he is asked by Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson, ‘Can you get us off our charges of perverting the course of justice?’, leading Churchill to shake his head ruefully and say ‘Oh, no, no, no, no, no’.

However, Russian newspaper magnate Alexander Lebedev has complained that Churchill may not be the right person for the job. ‘Meerkats could perform the role just as well and for a lower monthy premium,’ he said. ‘Just check out CompareTheWatchdog.com. It’s simples.’

Categories: Fake News

Man limbers up for 2 months bullshitting about Ashes

News Biscuit - Fri, 11/24/2017 - 12:34am

A Retford man was said to be as ready as he could be for the forthcoming Ashes series, despite having a very limited grasp about even quite basic cricketing concepts, it was confirmed today.
Peter McBride, 48, is said to have prepared even more diligently for this series than the previous 20 that he has lived through in his adult life, having read at least one preview article in the Metro on the way to work this morning, as well as liking on Facebook a continuously looping clip of Mike Gatting’s jaw dropping as Shane Warne spins his first delivery past him in 1993.
‘The Ashes is a one-off, isn’t it, and I think its everyone’s responsibility to understand the history and classic moments of this epic rivalry’, announced McBride rather tentatively to office mates, having never played cricket in his life. ‘Who can forget Headingley in 1981, Botham buying ice creams for everyone from the van in the ground, Freeman Hardy and Willis all steaming in from the Kirkstall Lane end. Brings out the goosebumps just thinking about it, doesn’t it?’
‘David Gower in 1991 wafting at that big tiger moth outside his off stump – the insects were awful in Queensland that summer, weren’t they?’, continued McBride, filling up his bottle at the water cooler. ‘Geoff Boycott’s thousandth hundred in 1977, or was it his hundredth thousand? I can’t remember. Spine-tingling stuff. For this series, in the field, its got to be Root at gully, Joseph Cotton for Third Man, and Good King Wenceslas in the Deep Mid-Winter.’
‘Anyone who doesn’t have Test Card Special on pretty much continuously in the background until January needs to take a long hard look at themselves’, argued McBride. ‘Aggers, Cheggers, Chequers and Chess, can’t wait to hear all the gang again. I mean who can forget that classic commentary when when Michael Jerking was opening the batting and Dino Zoff was running in, and Johnners commentated that the batsman’s Jerking, the bowler’s Zoff. Classic stuff.’

Categories: Fake News

Man limbers up for 2 months bullshitting about Ashes

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/23/2017 - 3:55pm

A Retford man was said to be as ready as he could be for the forthcoming Ashes series, despite having a very limited grasp about even quite basic cricketing concepts, it was confirmed today.

Peter McBride, 48, is said to have prepared even more diligently for this series than the previous 20 that he has lived through in his adult life, having read at least one preview article in the Metro on the way to work this morning, as well as liking on Facebook a continuously looping clip of Mike Gatting’s jaw dropping as Shane Warne spins his first delivery past him in 1993.

‘The Ashes is a one-off, isn’t it, and I think its everyone’s responsibility to understand the history and classic moments of this epic rivalry’, announced McBride rather tentatively to office mates, having never played cricket in his life. ‘Who can forget Headingley in 1981, Botham buying ice creams for everyone from the van in the ground, Freeman Hardy and Willis all steaming in from the Kirkstall Lane end. Brings out the goosebumps just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

‘David Gower in 1991 wafting at that big tiger moth outside his off stump – the insects were awful in Queensland that summer, weren’t they?’, continued McBride, filling up his bottle at the water cooler. ‘Geoff Boycott’s thousandth hundred in 1977, or was it his hundredth thousand? I can’t remember. Spine-tingling stuff. For this series, in the field, its got to be Root at gully, Joseph Cotton for Third Man, and Good King Wenceslas in the Deep Mid-Winter.’

‘Anyone who doesn’t have Test Card Special on pretty much continuously in the background until January needs to take a long hard look at themselves’, argued McBride. ‘Aggers, Cheggers, Chequers and Chess, can’t wait to hear all the gang again. I mean who can forget that classic commentary when when Michael Jerking was opening the batting and Dino Zoff was running in, and Johnners commentated that the batsman’s Jerking, the bowler’s Zoff. Classic stuff.’

Categories: Fake News

Reader’s Digest finally enters porn market

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/23/2017 - 7:00am

The American publishing giant is to issue abridged versions of porn videos in the easy to digest format that is the company’s hallmark.

‘We’re aiming at the busy client who doesn’t have time to watch the whole movie,’ explains RD executive Mark Sims. ‘Market research has shown that 94 per cent of foreplay footage ends up never being watched. In fact, viewers admit to fast forwarding through anything that doesn’t consist of close-up shots of palpitating genitals’.

Mr Sims is confident of success. ‘Having reduced a masterpiece like War and Peace to fifty pages, we should have no trouble trimming down works such as Lawrence of the Labia or Hedda Gobbler to their essentials without compromising artistic integrity.’

He explains that the DVDs are to be issued in collections bound in imitation leather to make them indistinguishable from the iconic Reader’s Digest Condensed Classics. This should minimise domestic disputes and embarrassment. ‘Your wife will think you’re retiring to your den with our eviscerated version of Jane Eyre, when you’re actually about to treat yourself to two hours of hard-core donkey porn.’

Categories: Fake News

Surgeons remove Young Person’s Railcard from Chancellor

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/23/2017 - 4:00am

Philip Hammond’s attempt to woo young voters and train-spotters with his Budget, has resulted in several hours of intrusive rectal surgery. NHS doctors assured the Chancellor that having a railcard forcibly inserted will cause no lasting damage, but is unlikely to feature in ‘The Adventures of Thomas the Tank Engine’.

Disgruntled Millennials have been rather unimpressed by discount rail travel, to places they cannot afford to live or work. Compounded by the National Debt continuing to attract unwelcome digits, like an actress auditioning for Harvey Weinstein.

Explained one Minister; ‘We’ve given the young what they always wanted – more access to Southern Rail. This is a budget that speaks to youth issues – like tax breaks for fossil fuel exploration. Which 18-30 year old doesn’t have their own gas or oil company?

With Growth down, GDP downgraded and a vulture perched on his shoulder, the Chancellor put a brave face on his sore bottom. A colleague said: ‘Philip was going to offer young voters a free cuddly toy but the idea of it made his eyes water’.

Categories: Fake News

Ancient cave graffiti confirms man’s obsession with drawing moustaches on things

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/23/2017 - 2:00am

A medieval hunting forest in rural Essex has given up its secrets to a team of archaeologists this week after six caves, previously hidden for millennia by tree growth and fallen rock, unveiled an impressive collection of ancient drawings and ‘hilarious graffiti’.

The prehistoric doodles prove that man has enjoyed scribbling moustaches and novelty eye-patches on other people’s work for ‘thousands of years’.

One of the only remaining forests of its kind in the UK, the team of experts had initially arrived at the site with hopes of unearthing personal items left by King Henry VIII, who historians believe frequented the area throughout his 37-year reign.

‘We got more than we bargained for,’ said an excited Dr Tim Grogan from the National History Museum today. ‘Forget Henry, some of these drawings are over 4000-years-old. In addition to the artwork, some of the writing discovered is forcing us to reconsider well-established beliefs on the origins of modern language, such as ‘LOL’ and ‘FFS’. It appears these acronyms were popular well before the age of iPads and Facebook.’

Dr Grogan continued: ‘One drawing, that was intricately carved into limestone with some kind of primitive tool, appears to depict an unfortunate hunter named ‘Gollof’, throwing his spear at a large boar and wildly missing. A hastily drawn speech bubble hangs above his head and reads; “FFS!”. The scene is captioned with: ‘fearless man hunter, Gollof. LOL, JK! Vegetarian!’ ‘It seems this Gollof character could possibly be the earliest known victim of anonymous bullying.’

Although the most exciting discovery of all, confirmed the team, was a cave that took three-days to dig out, and is now said to be the first art gallery in history. Prof. Denis Chadwick, who assisted with the dig, said: ‘it’s beautiful. Each cave wall is adorned with cryptic symbols and eerie scenes of early hunters plying their trade in the woodland, frozen in time. Perhaps most interesting of all; each character carefully immortalised in the rock was defaced just a few years later with giant fake moustaches, large noses and crazy hair. Some of them had giant penises protruding from their foreheads. These additions, although probably unwelcome at the time, are the work of the world’s first graffiti artist.’

‘We’ve all done it’, added Professor Chadwick. ‘I remember writing ‘Ned is gay’ in Tipp-ex on my desk during a Geography lesson back in about 1986. It may seem childish and offensive, but it’s just something young men do. Eventually you just grow out of it.’

‘Ned was definitely gay, though. He probably still is,’ he added.

Categories: Fake News

UN tribunal finds Phil Collins guilty of Genesis. More soon.

News Biscuit - Thu, 11/23/2017 - 12:13am

Cinquecento

Categories: Fake News

Eastenders loan-shark plot ‘a metaphor for BREXIT’, BBC admits.

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/22/2017 - 3:55pm

The BBC has made the shock admission that the latest Eastenders plot line is just another tedious metaphor for BREXIT. This week the Taylor family matriarch saw a terrible decision of many months ago culminate in the possible loss of the family dog, Scotland, while a simple loan of £300 quid escalated to a debt of £53 billion.

The hapless but well-meaning Karen Taylor had an impossible task from the outset after being left holding the ugly baby after liaisons with wholly unsuitable men called Dave, Michael and Nigel, to name but a few. She has brazened out her situation wearing a succession of eye-poppingly inappropriate outfits, while affecting a total lack of self-awareness that she looked shit in every one of them.

Each week since her unnecessary gamble to secure a mandate from her children, viewers have been tortured by the inexorable progress towards the inevitable catastrofuck. ‘We are really looking forward to the chaos, penury and splitting up of the family that will make for a classic Eastenders Christmas with all the trimmings’, explained a BBC spokesman. ‘It will be a denouement that reconciles the entire nation to being on Universal Credit by the time Keanu gets wrongly banged up for doing in Michel Barnier’.

Categories: Fake News

Automated checkouts to cheer up the elderly by being more chatty

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/22/2017 - 7:00am

In an effort to make shopping less miserable for older people, automatic till systems are to become more friendly and welcoming in their interactions. The initiative follows a survey which indicates that senior citizens avoid automated systems because they’d prefer to waste time telling a complete stranger behind a till something trivial and uninteresting.

The study claimed that the elderly prefer to be served by a real person in order to have some human interaction. However, many shop workers want the exact opposite and are happiest when each of their mindless scripted questions such as ‘Do you want any help packing that jar of marmite and box of teabags’ are met with a ‘No thanks’ rather than having to endure a conversation about the price of carrots these days or getting asked one of the questions from The Chase.

Instead of merely informing customers about unknown items in the bagging area, the new automated systems will engage consumers in meaningless small-talk about all kinds of topics such as their grandchildren, the weather and the variety of medical ailments they are suffering from.

They will be capable of holding dull discussions on everything from the state of the local bus service to the state of next door’s garden. However, the longer term aim is for them to have the capability of addressing a lull in the conversation by introducing new subjects. For example, if a customer buys butter, the system will be able to say, ‘Don’t you wish you could get back to the old days of buying half a pound of butter instead of 250 grams?’

In addition to their reluctance to use automated systems, many of the old people surveyed expressed feelings of isolation and loneliness during shopping trips. This is despite them regularly spending half an hour clogging up the supermarket aisles gassing to all the other old people they meet in there every Tuesday and Friday.

Categories: Fake News

Explorer rescued from shopping centre after 5 day ordeal

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/22/2017 - 4:00am

An explorer who ventured into a vast shopping centre without a mobile phone has been rescued after 5 days by a national newspaper.  Jeremy Fisher, a 57-year-old adventurer from Romford, had set out to find a ‘lost tribe’ of helpful shop assistants that could help him cancel his subscription to Sky.

‘I’d heard tell of the Sky cancellations department, but no-one had been able to make contact with them for years. They could be the last group of customer service representatives on the planet yet to communicate with the western world’, said Fisher.  Undeterred, he set out to track down a Sky booth in the vast jungle of Bluewater.  Armed only with a map and a Nectar loyalty card, the mission was fraught with danger.

‘It immediately became obvious that the map was out of date’, he explained. ‘Where a WH Smith was supposed to be, stood a shiny new Costa. I tried making contact with the locals, but they all had their faces in their phones. Without WhatsApp, I had no way of starting up a rapport.’

After 30 minutes, Fisher was lost, disoriented and hungry. He hadn’t even remembered to bring his pet dog to eat.  ‘The indigenous population seemed well fed, but I was worried that their diet would be harmful to me. I have irritable bowel syndrome, which was caused by trying to change my British Gas tariff in 2013,’ he said today.

Fisher made a shelter and hid for the following 4 nights in the smart watch section of John Lewis. ‘For some reason, not one person bothered me in there.’ Eventually, out of desperation he rooted through a bin where he found an old Daily Mail, read the headline and exclaimed a loud ‘oh for fuck’s sake.  That’s when security found me, and escorted me to the door. I’m so grateful, I was getting desperate. I think I was suffering from mall-aria.

Newscat

Categories: Fake News

Historical re-enactment of JFK assassination ends in violent shoot out

News Biscuit - Wed, 11/22/2017 - 2:00am

The world is in shock after 50th anniversary re-enactments of the killing of President Kennedy ended in chaos with a gun battle breaking out across Dealey Plaza in which a number of people were shot.

‘We’re not sure exactly how this happened,’ said Chesney Benson, head of the JFK Assassination Society, ‘but we suspect foul play. One of our men, dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald, was in position at the Texas School Book Depository and was just about to shoot a man dressed as President Kennedy, when a number of other shots were simultaneously fired.’

The resultant salvo of magic bullets ended in the shooting of the man dressed as Kennedy, a man dressed as Governor Connally and a man in the crowd dressed as a spectator.

‘This was clearly the work of more than one historical re-enactment society,’ said a man dressed as Kevin Costner dressed as Jim Garrison. ‘All the evidence suggests that there was a second re-enactment taking place near the grassy knoll and that the first re-enactment society was just a patsy.’

A man dressed as Lee Harvey Oswald strongly rejected claims that he was a patsy, before being immediately shot and killed by a passing Jack Ruby tribute act.

Meanwhile, more conspiracy theories have since developed following the emergence of video footage taken by a man dressed as Abraham Zapruder. The footage clearly suggests the existence of multiple re-enactment societies hidden all around Dealey Plaza, dressed as the Soviet Union, Cuba, the Mafia, the FBI and the CIA.

To resolve the confusion President Obama has called for a historical re-enactment of the Warren Commission. However, the investigation is unlikely to produce any results until 2021, when it is expected to clear everyone of any involvement and say nothing actually happened.

‘This is a tragic day for historical re-enactment societies,’ said a man dressed as Walter Cronkite, desperately trying to hold back the tears. ‘We needed this like we needed a hole in the head.’

The prospect of fifty more years of conspiracy theories has raised concerns that they might provoke another three hour movie by Oliver Stone. ‘Nobody wants to sit through a seemingly endless litany of wild and crazy conspiracies,’ said President Obama. ‘We already get that each night with Fox News.’

Categories: Fake News

SatNav character latest to make sex pest allegations

News Biscuit - Tue, 11/21/2017 - 3:55pm

The flood of accusations of historic sexual harassment against Hollywood luminaries, politicians and others has flushed out another hitherto cowed victim. ‘Sarah’, the well-spoken default female voice on the best-selling Garmin Drivesmart 70lmt, has opened up about the years of abuse she has suffered at the hands of male drivers.

‘The sales reps were the worst in the early years,’ she said. ‘Almost anything I said to them was treated as innuendo. When I first spoke, it was “Ooh, posh bird, eh? Like a bit of rough, do you?”. If I said “Go around the roundabout”, they’d go “Wahey! Never heard it called that before”. As for what they said they’d like to do when I told them to “Turn around when possible”, it’s too disgusting to even talk about.’

At first, Sarah told herself to remain calm and professional. ‘I don’t have anything against men – far from it. Some of the older male drivers in the Isle of Wight were perfect gentleman and even thanked me every time I gave them instructions,’ she said. ‘Some just said “Sorry, dear” and looked at their feet, but at least they did what I asked them to.’

Things took a turn for the worse in 2014 when the Drivesmart was installed in new model BMWs. Smutty banter gave way to torrents of abuse, leaving Sarah on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Every time she said “In one mile, take the exit”, drivers would tell her to “fuck off” or shout “Bollocks to that, bitch, I’m going straight on”.

‘I think it was a power thing for them to have a young, educated woman at their mercy,’ she sobbed. ‘They could have switched to ‘Siobhan’, the elderly Irish lady, or ‘Karen’, a right slapper from Newcastle who would have loved any kind of attention, they could have had any number of male voices, but they almost all chose me. In the end, I had a nervous breakdown.’

Sarah has since resigned and put in an action against BMW at an employment tribunal, on the grounds of constructive dismissal and failure to carry out its duty of care. BMW has declined to comment on the case as it is sub judice, but said that it is recalling 400,000 drivers as a precaution.

Categories: Fake News
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