Fake News

Chicken on KFC’s bucket list. More soon.

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/21/2018 - 2:01am
Categories: Fake News

Coq o’Van. Less soon.

News Biscuit - Wed, 02/21/2018 - 2:00am
Categories: Fake News

Naked fries ‘essentially chips’ admits cafe owner

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/20/2018 - 4:55pm

The naked fries listed on the food board at £7.25 for a small container are, when it boils down to it, effectively chips, the manager at a hipster food outlet begrudgingly admitted today. The news was revealed by Michael O’Mahoney, ‘content creator and executive chef’ at the Tuber and Tonic on Hoxton High Street, amidst repeated questioning by hungry and confused diners, sitting on formica school chairs, admiring miles of exposed air conditioning ducts.

The ‘subtle twists on a contemporary classic’ could, yes, if you were being pedantic, also be described as salt, mayonnaise and a dollop of marmite, accepted O’Mahoney, stroking his beard whilst rolling his eyes upwards towards some dark, exposed beams. And, if you were minded to, ‘Pipers, quadruple cooked, and finished with coarse incisions designed to decant hints of peat’ could, he supposed, be taken to mean ‘potatoes, chipped’.

The concept of ‘artisan loaded skins’ was a lot more than just a jacket potato with a choice of one or two fillings, but if you really had to socially deconstruct it, then, yes, would you prefer cheddar cheese or tuna with yours?, asked O’Mahoney, to a table of 6, before collecting up menus printed on artificially yellowing paper, gratuitously clipped onto an oaky-looking clipboard.

‘Some people just don’t get what we’re aiming for here’, sighed O’Mahoney, taking a leak into a urinal reclaimed from a derelict Victorian prison in the gents toilets, before returning to standing behind his botanicals and gin bar, to make a mug of tea for a customer. ‘Could you curate 4 Old Skool Corn Syrup shots for Table 4′, O’Mahoney shouted out to Pete, his new ‘front of house gastronomic requirement scribe’, before clarifying that yes, those were made by pressing the ‘Coke’ button on the mixer gun behind the bar and adding some ice.

Categories: Fake News

Boris wins Bafta for Best Actor in a Supporting role

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/20/2018 - 8:00am

As stars of the silver screen gathered at the Albert Hall for this year’s British film awards, few in the audience of celebrities and artists could deny that Boris Johnson was a worthy winner of the Bafta for Best Actor in a Supporting role for his speech at the Policy Exchange think tank.

The Chief Executive of Bafta, Sonia Berry, said that ‘whether Johnson was on-script or whether he was improvising his own lines, in every tussle of the hair or every school-boyish smirk at the havoc he creates, Johnson is utterly and totally committed to the method performance of making everyone believe that he really does think that he deserves to lead the country’. Boris beat off heavy competition in the category from Sam Rockwell, who also (like Johnson) plays a bigoted hypocrite who is prepared to use Darius Guppy-like violence as a tactical means to an end.

Johnson also faced a stiff challenge in the voting from Christopher Plummer who also plays a mean-spirited multi-millionaire who would rather see innocent people suffer than surrender one piece of his own empire or dignity. The category was in even greater contention because Hugh Grant also plays a posh twat who is prepared to lie, steal and vandalise for his own personal aggrandisement.

Johnson, when receiving the award, thanked the people who made his performance as a statesman possible this year. He thanked Theresa May, who is herself nominated for her performance as ‘Prime minster of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland’ but is likely to be beaten by Frances McDormand who also plays a character who tries to reduce police numbers and is in a black-mail based relationship with a midget. He also thanked Gavin Williamson who is up for best new-comer and Dr Liam Fox who is up for Best Visual Effects based on his ability to remain invisible for the last twelve months.

Media sources also confirmed that Gary Oldman (who played Churchill in the Darkest Hour) is slated to play Johnson who himself is always playing Churchill. Oldman said that he sees the role as one of the pinnacle moments of his career and he plans to prepare for the role by immediately calling Daniel Kaluuya a pickaninny and seeing if Angelina Jolie fancies directing him as Johnson in a film about the ethnic cleansing in Myanmar called ‘The Man who would be Kipling’.

Milo Shame

Categories: Fake News

Physicists ‘ready to throw in the towel’ on the whole Weight vs Mass thing

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/20/2018 - 5:00am

The Institute of Physics has signalled a willingness to compromise on its previous hard-line stance regarding the kilogram. The move will be welcomed by non-physicists, many of whom have, at best, a limited interest in how their weight might vary if they lived on a different planet or relocated to the centre of the earth.

‘We were swimming against the tide’, said a spokesman. ‘We lobbied for years to get WeightWatchers to change their name to MassWatchers. If they can’t prioritise scientific accuracy over marketing and profits, then what hope do they have? And don’t get me started on the kilocalorie.

‘Eventually some of us lost our virginities, and after that we couldn’t be bothered trying to correct people’.

Many physicists are depressed by the news. ‘I suppose it’s a sign of the times’, said one. ‘It’ll be velocity next, you mark my words. Don’t blame me if you experience an unexpected force when changing direction at constant speed. Wouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, no sir. No surprise at all. A little guy called Newton could have explained it to you, but if you insist on thinking a kilogram’s a unit of weight, well, what can I say?’

Physics fundamentalists have threatened a day of protest, with synchronised jumping up and down which won’t cause a tsunami, followed by extensive explanations of why nothing much happened. ‘If we can’t explain things, in depth and at length, to anybody who can’t back away quickly enough, then what do we have left?’

Categories: Fake News

‘Friends’ reuniting, cause of website demise

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/20/2018 - 3:00am

Friend’s Reunited, the original World Wide Web darling of a middle-aged nation, has hung up its tie and satchel for the final time.

Conceived in the late nineties, the website’s aim was to reconnect old school friends so that they could judge each other mercilessly based on the size of their car engines and the SAT scores of their offspring. Although for a while the idea was great, after a while it became clear that the premise of reuniting ‘friends’ who didn’t actually need reuniting, was going to be its own downfall.

‘It was really good at first’, says Andy Greene of Basildon, Essex. ‘I’d decant a tinny into a pint glass, plug in the modem, and then spend my evenings taking the piss out of Barry Horder for the dodgy mullet he sported in 1974. Those were the days!

‘The problems started when I befriended Barry on FaceBook,’ says Greene, ‘I realised that the small amount of amusement I got from his dodgy barnet wasn’t worth the five hundred Candy Crush notifications a day.

‘I knew there was a reason we didn’t keep in touch. He used to hound me to play cat’s cradle at lunchtimes when I was more of a Subbuteo man.’

‘It died a death, and we’re all sad to see it go.’ says marketing coordinator Harry Gilliam.

‘We recognise that by reuniting ‘friends’ in the loosest sense, we’ve created a problem, but we are willing to fix it with out new site ‘Bellends Uninvited.

‘Our vision is that this is going to be a safe space for people who really don’t care what certificate Helen Bosworth’s child got in ‘golden assembly’, or whether Gregory Wong got the dog in the divorce settlement. Users will be able to delete all school ‘friends’ from their FaceBook profiles, remove themselves from chain email lists, and unsubscribe from all of those awful Christmas card round robins.’

I know it’s dubious, but the alternative is a barren online wasteland with spambots trying to sell each other hair growth boosting shampoo and lycra control pants – hey actually I think I might have hit on an idea! I shall call it e-buy.’

Categories: Fake News

Kentucky Fried Coq-up

News Biscuit - Tue, 02/20/2018 - 2:03am
Categories: Fake News

Corbyn told us where he hid the biscuits claims Czech intelligence officer

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/19/2018 - 4:55pm

A former high ranking Czech intelligence officer claims that Jeremy Corbyn once let slip where he hid the Chocolate Hob Nobs from his fellow back benchers.  Czech intelligence files from the 1980’s also revealed how Corbyn passed on other sensitive information that only a Shadow Cabinet back bench outsider would have had access to.

The spy claims that Corbyn once told him where the nearest dry cleaners were, which delicatessens stocked the best Fair Trade mung beans and which railings to chain your push-bike to if you were late for a meeting.  ‘I asked him about the dry cleaners and he just came right out with it’ said the former Czech agent ‘I didn’t even have to pay for the information. He gave it willingly…without even fixing a price. In my country information like that would have cost you 500 koruna’.

The Czech spy, who posed as a home-made jam maker to gain Corbyn’s trust also claims the Labour leader once used a Westminster photocopying machine to print private documents which he distributed amongst his friends.  ‘I remember one such document…it was called Allotment Weekly…another was on how best to compost a teabag. We had our top code breakers working around the clock to work out what secret messages were contained within the documents…but we never cracked it.
To the casual observer these documents seemed mind numbingly dull and utterly pointless.

‘We even tried blackmail with photoshopped images of him in bed with a hippo wearing a pink tutu…but then we discovered he’d had an affair with Diane Abbot in the 1970’s…so it was quite clear that wasn’t going to work.  We decided he was a double agent, playing us against the Americans…….he is still a legend in the StB.

‘With friends like Corbyn passing on sensitive information to our intelligence agencies you can see why we eventually lost the Cold War.  You Brits should be proud of him, he saved your country…he really was that good.’

hat tip to Crayon

Categories: Fake News

Oxfam shop volunteer admits giving rent boy a helping hand.

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/19/2018 - 8:00am

A shocking week for Oxfam officals was made even worse this morning following the discovery of 82 year old volunteer, Gladys Burrows in a compromising position with semi naked young man in the soft furnishing section of the Hitchin Oxfam shop.

‘It all started with a donated bag full of unwashed sports gear’ she told police. ‘The musky smell of beefy man oil got me so fired up I waited until the shop was quiet and called one of those numbers from the personal ads in the local paper’.

‘When he turned up he took me right up the China and Glass aisle. I don’t know what came over me’.

‘Well I do actually, his name was Scott,’ Gladys admitted.

Government officials are pressing Oxfam directors for a full investigation into these latest events.  Regional operations manager Michael Wilmslow told reporters, ‘It’s outrageous. I’ve worked for Oxfam for 26 years and haven’t had so much as a stinky finger’.

Unfortunately, reduced support from the public means that the sex scandal is having a massive impact on Oxfam’s finances, although applications for front line volunteer positions are said to be up by 5000%.

AmoebaReeba

Categories: Fake News

Batman accused of assaulting co-worker

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/19/2018 - 5:00am

A number of images have surfaced which appear to show well-known superhero Batman physically abusing his co-worker Robin, striking him across the face.
In many cases, the assault is accompanied by Batman interrupting something Robin is saying and correcting him, a process critics have described as “Batsplaining”.
In a bid to limit damage to their reputations, Commissioner Gordon, Chief O’Hara and Alfred the butler immediately issued statements saying they regretted working with him and would not do so again. Conversely, Superman’s popularity received an immediate boost thanks to the film in which he and Batman were enemies.
Industry insiders suggest a Batman film currently in post-production will have to be partly reshot, replacing him with Christopher Plummer. It’s thought Robin will wear black to the premiere.

Categories: Fake News

US to hold state funeral for Democracy

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/19/2018 - 3:00am

With the nation in mourning following the death of Democracy, the United States is to hold an official state funeral in its honour.

Speaking to an empty room at a White House press conference after all news outlets were barred from attending, press secretary Sean Spicer said: ‘The death of Democracy should not be viewed as a tragedy, but as a celebration. Democracy had a good life but it was getting old and decrepit, so its time had come. Nobody likes to see anyone suffering so, like this press conference, it is a happy release.’

President Trump has called on the American people not to wear black during the official mourning period but to stick to white, or else. Democracy’s casket will lie in state in the Capitol Rotunda draped in a Brietbart flag and surrounded by an armed National Guard and unhinged members of the National Rifle Association, who will fire a 2,249 gun salute, one for each US citizen killed by guns since the start of the year.

‘We are going to hold the biggest state funeral the world has ever witnessed. It’ll be the best you’ve ever seen, believe me,’ President Trump said from the eighteenth hole at the Mar-a-Lago Golf Club in Florida. ‘We’ll be rolling out nukes, cement mixers and state of the art deportation machines. It’s going to be the best funeral since the death of that black guy, what was his name? Martin Luther, I think.’

However, according to some sources, the event comes with a massive flaw as journalists and the World’s news media will be banned from covering it. ‘That’s a technicality,’ Spicer said. ‘We’ll be distributing truth leaflets on the ends of nuclear war heads if anyone denies this wasn’t the biggest turn out since President Trump’s inauguration because we’ve had enough of fake news. You can’t get bigger than that, and that’s a fact.’

Categories: Fake News

Earthquake affects area the size of Wales

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/19/2018 - 2:02am
Categories: Fake News

UKIP needs to ‘get over it’. More soon.

News Biscuit - Mon, 02/19/2018 - 2:01am
Categories: Fake News

Racism over thanks to Black Panther movie

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/18/2018 - 4:55pm

Sociologists and Caucasian film investors have joyously declared ‘Black Panther’ the solution to all racial discrimination in the United States – unless you happen to be Mexican.  Setting aside decades of disenfranchisement and the repercussions of slavery, all is now ‘right with the world’, equality is solved and popcorn sales are up.

‘Black Panther’ has helped challenge the stereo-type that African culture cannot be reduced down to a comic book format and an exploitative franchise.   In fact, the film has cured all discrimination, in the same way that ‘Wonder Woman’ solved the gender pay gap and ‘Spiderman’ confronted arachnophobia in the workplace.

One film historian explained: ‘Black Panther is this century’s first significant African American hero.  I think we can ignore Wesley Snipes as Blade in ‘Blade’, ‘Blade II’, and ‘Blade: Trinity’.  And Halle Berry in ‘X-Men’ doesn’t count because she’s a girl.  Barak Obama? Never heard of him’.

Trending under the name #BlackFilmRevenuesMatter, one movie goer said: ‘My grandfather used to bang on about forty acres and a mule but this film has fully reimbursed my family for two hundred years of inconvenience.  And the great thing about a fictional country like Wakanda, is we don’t need to feel guilty about its history, we don’t need to find it on a map and Oxfam are unlikely to find prostitutes there’.

Categories: Fake News

European Court overturns Brexit

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/18/2018 - 8:00am

The European Court of Telling Everyone What to Do, What to Think and How to Act has finally reached its verdict on Britain’s referendum regarding her continued membership of the EU.

‘Obviously, this referendum was invalid’ announced the Court ‘But not for the obvious reason that such a referendum was utterly pointless.  The greater issue was that this referendum failed to comply with the fundamental EU directive that all people voting in any kind of referendum shall – if they vote the wrong way – be entitled to be forced to vote again, and continue to vote, repeatedly, until eventually they get it right.’

A separate hearing is scheduled to be held later, to determine whether the inhabitants of an island off the north-west coast of Europe were in contempt of court when they told the court to ‘just fuck right off’.

Categories: Fake News

Britain ecstatic as man comes 3rd sliding down a hill on a tray

News Biscuit - Sun, 02/18/2018 - 5:00am

Some bloke you’ve never heard of has warmed the cockles of the nation’s heart by coming third in Olympic downhill tray-sliding in the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics.

His financial future is totally secure as he is now destined to be taken to our hearts and tread a well-worn path sure to see him win Sports Personality of the Year, be knighted in The New year Honours list and be given the freedom of his hometown, wherever that is.

Dom Parsons told reporters: ‘I’m delighted to have been able to make a name for myself in such a minority sport. My heroes have always been Steve Redgrave and Chris Foy, because look at the handy touch they’ve had for years just for paddling a boat and riding a bike.  Britain is so desperate for success in any international sport that if you can pull it off, no matter how obscure it is you’re sorted.  Made for life.’

Categories: Fake News
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