Fake News

Sultans of Swing arrested for blowing dixie

News Biscuit - Tue, 10/16/2018 - 6:00am

The Sultans of Swing, a group of balding dads with ponytails, have disbanded after their lead trumpeter was arrested by police for ‘blowing Dixie live on stage’ in a pub way on down south in London Town. Harry, a fellow band member, was also arrested for playing with his honkytonk but was later released on bail pending further investigation. He said he was upset, but doesn’t mind of he doesn’t make the scene as he is doing all right in his daytime job as a quantity surveyor.

Lead guitarist George narrowly escaped a similar fate when he got up under the lights to play his thing. He insisted it was a case of mistaken identity due to poor lighting and the lewd act was actually performed by a mysterious character known only as ‘Jazz’. ‘Well, now you step inside but you don’t see too many faces,’ explained Guitar George. ‘Coming in out of the rain to hear Jazz go down.’ Privately, however, the band’s manager said: ‘When I get hold of Harry I’m going to make him cry and sing with a left-handed old guitar.’

Categories: Fake News

Melania says she did care about ‘I don’t care’ jacket

News Biscuit - Tue, 10/16/2018 - 3:00am

Melania Trump has clarified that she did deliberately choose to wear a jacket saying ‘I don’t care’ on an official engagement earlier this year, and therefore it was true that she didn’t care and not true when her spokesperson had earlier claimed that she didn’t care about the not caring statement. She added that she did care about the children she visited while wearing the ‘I don’t care’ jacket, and it was whether anybody cared about whether she cared that she didn’t care about, but that she did care to let everyone know.

Further confusion arose when it was revealed that the jacket she wore to the interview had ‘I’m lying’ emblazoned on the inside, which she later clarified was not true. Donald Trump added that the truth was he didn’t care either, especially about the truth, but no one cared to listen as that at least was already perfectly clear.

Categories: Fake News

Crimewatch finale ‘to answer all fans’ questions’

News Biscuit - Tue, 10/16/2018 - 1:00am

After a 33 year run, the BBC’s Crimewatch is to come to an end, with an extended 5 hour episode which will, according to the show’s creator, ‘resolve all plot threads left hanging over the years’.

Though writers have insisted there was always a 45-year story arc planned from the start, some viewers complained the show gave up on its original plans in order to elongate its run by settling into a crime-of-the-week pattern. Many of the plots seemed to be left without resolution, leading critics to claim they were ‘making it up as they went along’. Others have suggested the show ‘jumped the shark’ when the ‘will-they-won’t-they’ romantic tension between the Jeremy Vine and Sophie Rayworth characters came to nothing, and when popular character Jill Dando was written out of the show in Season 15. Reviewers also criticised the show for bad acting, a reliance on stock villains and the tendency for the characters to repeatedly explain the plot points to the viewers. However, the show has also been highly praised for its innovative use of audience participation, in which the viewers are encouraged to call the show to predict which characters were responsible for the hold-ups and murders.

Head writer and showrunner Andrew Parry told us: ‘It’s been an amazing 33 years and we appreciate the time our fans have invested in the show. Although the end has come sooner than we had anticipated, we’re determined to make this finale a fitting one. Needless to say, there’s a lot of strands there to wrap up, but we believe viewers won’t be disappointed with what we have in mind. We’ll be revisiting villains last seen in 1984 and revealing which crimes were real and which were side flashes in the alternate meta-universe Crimewatch studio established in Season 8.’

With its sprawling plot and literally hundreds of characters, internet forums have been buzzing with predictions of what the finale is to reveal. Fan theories are mainly centred on the role of the Nick Ross, who is very much the linchpin of the show, tying the myriad storylines together. However, opinions are split on whether Ross, who’s unsettling catch phrase ‘don’t have nightmares’ became a national obsession, is the shadowy mastermind behind the crimewave or merely a pawn – many believe Ross is only a bit player in the shadowy group known as ‘The Corporation’.

The episode will coincide with a release of a box set of all 858 episodes containing 1,500 hours of material with cast commentary. Ratings are expected to be high; however, many fans remain cautious after the similarly-themed ‘Police Five’ show resulted in a final episode with few questions answered and the main character breaking out of the television studio to find himself stranded on a remote lion-infested island.

Categories: Fake News

Rees-Mogg suggests EU join UK

News Biscuit - Mon, 10/15/2018 - 2:55pm

Colonial throwback and prince among thieves Jacob Rees-Mogg has suggested that any Brexit border issues can so easily be resolved if every nation state within the European Union would simply agree to become part of the recently renamed United Kingdom of Great Britain and North East Somerset.

‘Those Euro-bullies really must learn how to compromise. The sensible solution is for them to forget about whatever sovereignty they think they have left and just accept that Judaeo-Christian geopolitics have always been on England’s side,’ said Rees-Mogg, while simultaneously relieving a semi-conscious stoat of its winter coat.

‘Clearly it would be in all of Europe’s best interest to have ever closer union with our great kingdom. They would then gain all of the advantages enjoyed by the British subjects in our Irish colony, and hopefully with only half of the troubles – although without the need to pay that frightful Arlene Foster baggage a billion pounds. Really, it is high time that the DUP entered the 18th century like the rest of us.’

‘And because this idea is all mine, it is only reasonable that I should be made first monarch of the European Kingdom, as appointed by God and anointed by the Pope, naturally”, explained the mutant offspring of Bertie Wooster and Olive from On the Buses. ‘I already have my own ermine, if that would help to speed things along?’

When asked if his wife Helena is willing to be his Queen of Europe, Mr Rees-Mogg revealed that he may have to reign alone. ‘Sadly, since our restorative visit to Bath & Wells on Saint Swithin’s Day, I suspect that some Anglican sorcery has endowed my wife with a supernatural power to float in water. If she survives the ducking stool, then I cannot reasonably ask Rome to grant an annulment, so burning or beheading her are the only rational options. And amen to that, eh fellows?’

hat-tip Titus

Categories: Fake News

Kanye West declares independence

News Biscuit - Mon, 10/15/2018 - 6:00am

Kanye West, has declared independence from the rest of Kanye. In what is believed to be a bloodless coup, he took over the computers, TV and radios in his many houses and his bodyguards won’t let anyone near him without a visa. He also disconnected the electricity supply to the Kardashians. West, who also declared himself to be a sovereign state known as Ye, has applied to join the UN. Donald Trump has said that the US will recognise Ye and set up an embassy in his Chicago mansion.

Ye and Kardashian’s daughter North West is said to be monitoring the situation but is believed to think her father is now pointless. In a warning that not everything will be smooth going, Kim Kardashian has had ‘All hope abandon, Ye who enter here’ tattooed on her nether regions.

Categories: Fake News

Soyuzexit cosmonauts criticised for leaving safety of rocket

News Biscuit - Mon, 10/15/2018 - 3:00am

Cosmonauts Nick Hague and Alexey Ovchinin have been slated for recklessly abandoning the security of their Soyuz launch rocket after a minor incident and heading off in an unknown direction, with no clear plan of which country or countries they might have to deal with. After negotiations that dragged on for nearly two microseconds, they left the security and stability of the massive launch vehicle and hurtled off on their own.

‘It was madness,’ said one ‘expert’. ‘It will leave them far worse off, as they won’t get paid any overtime if they are no longer on the mission. We must assume that they were just dumb racists, who didn’t want to risk meeting alien beings if they had ever reached space. Or that they had been brainwashed by a slogan written on the side of one of the launch site’s ground transport vehicles, claiming that more medical resources would be available to them if they were to remain Earthbound.’

Categories: Fake News

Oxbridge to admit more students with ‘thick’ West Country accents

News Biscuit - Mon, 10/15/2018 - 1:00am

Oxford and Cambridge Universities are being encouraged to accept increased numbers of academically able teenagers from Somerset, Devon and Cornwall, even though their West Country drawl makes them sound rather stupid.  The initiative follows a report which shows that Oxford and Cambridge Universities have a disproportionately high percentage of students from the Home Counties. A small minority of crackpot educationalists reportedly believe that it is physically possible to have both a brain and a regional accent.

The universities themselves admit that they receive fewer degree applications from the West Country, and those who speak incredibly slowly at interview, use personal pronouns for inanimate objects and place prepositions at the end of sentences are less likely to be offered a place.

Asked to give an example, an Oxford University spokesman described the interview of a prospective Mathematics student from Yeovil in which he was given a complicated formula and asked to describe the process of finding x. The gifted lad correctly solved the equation but was marked down for beginning the response with ‘Aaaaarrrrrrr, oi seeeees wherrrre heeeee’s toooooo.’

Ultimately, the West Country accent, together with the region’s slow pace of life and the widely-held perception that Weymouth is a big city (and pronounced ‘Wayyyyyyymerrrff’), could become the subject of positive discrimination. Oxford and Cambridge would be expected to accept their quota of yokels who appear not to understand the concept of verb tenses, and Admissions Staff would no longer be able to reject applicants purely because they say ‘Taaaaa frrr invoite meee ere’ at interviews.

The Oxford University spokesman said, ‘We pride ourselves on embracing diversity and we look forward to receiving increased numbers of applications from the West Country in the light of this new initiative. As long as we don’t have to have students from the West Midlands, who insist on using the greeting “owamya?” and terminating the interviews with “Tara-abit.”’ he continued. ‘Now they really do sound thick.’

Categories: Fake News

Judges’ pay to be decided by premium line phone vote

News Biscuit - Sun, 10/14/2018 - 2:55pm

A public consultation is to take place regarding pay rises for senior judges in England and Wales to bring earnings in line with talent show judges. The move addresses low morale among judges stemming from dissatisfaction of pay and conditions in comparison with their celebrity cousins. If passed, a High Court judge would receive an extra £60,000 per year, be chauffeur-driven to work in a limo once a week and get filmed backstage in chambers sitting on the corner of their desk sipping coffee, nodding and pointing at mugshots of defendants with other judges.

Currently Judge Judy is the only member of the judiciary qualified to appear on her own show and has a take-home salary comparable to Jason Gardiner from Dancing On Ice. A High Court judge who wished remain anonymous, commented: ‘Jude’s a maverick, a one-off. Not all of us can have our courtroom dealings broadcast to the nation, but that doesn’t mean our work isn’t as valid or we don’t want to arrive an hour early to go through hair and make-up.’

Head of talent show judiciary, Simon Cowell was typically derisive, saying: ‘Aah look, darlings. You don’t work Saturdays, you have an audience of dozens, not thousands. You don’t hear pleas from the accused at your lavish villas. I’m not saying what you do isn’t valuable, just is it good enough for prime-time telly? I think not. So, I’m gonna say no.’

Strictly’s Shirley Ballas was equally defiant, saying:’ I’m livid. They have one outfit. I have to buy a new frock every week. Two out of ten, for cheek.’ However, balancing the scales was X-Factor veteran Louis Walsh. ‘Don’t listen to Simon!,’ he told the bewigged hopefuls. ‘He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You guys have got the talent and the whole Georgian wig thing going on. Golden buzzer from me all the way.’

Should High Court judges receive a salary comparable to talent show judges? YOU decide. Voting opens via the app from midnight. Calls cost 45p from landlines, of which 95% will go to Simon Cowell as usual. Terms and conditions apply but that would involve reading the small print, so don’t bother eh?

Categories: Fake News

‘That’ll be a Chinook’ office guy finally gets it right

News Biscuit - Sun, 10/14/2018 - 6:00am

London shipping clerk Darren Ross was celebrating today when his assertion that the helicopter he could hear was ‘definitely a Chinook’ turned out to be correct.

According to colleagues, the chopper fan had previously got it wrong on 17 occasions, ascribing the distinctive twin-rotor noise generated by the American ‘workhorse of the sky’ to an Apache, a Black Hawk, a UH-72 Lakota, an AA breakdown truck and a man blowing through his lips.

Categories: Fake News

Baker refuses to make Christian cake

News Biscuit - Sun, 10/14/2018 - 3:00am

A baker in N.Ireland has flatly refused to bake a cake for a Christian couple saying the whole concept behind the cake was totally abhorrent and against everything he stood for.
Baker Jason Beesley said the couple had asked him to bake a cake made from unleavened bread and red wine but 43 year old Jason argued that the ingredients were meant to represent the flesh and blood of a man brutally murdered over 2000 years ago and was simply an attempt by the couple to legitimise cannibalism

‘Why anybody would want to pretend they were eating the flesh of a man who had been left to die in agony on a cross for days on end is beyond me’, said Beesley.
‘I tried explaining the Eucharist to my toddler’, continued Beesley. ‘He asked if it was like what the zombies do in The Walking Dead and I said, well, basically, yes it was.  He said ‘cool’. Now I think he wants to become a Christian so he can eat people’.
‘Dress it up as you wish, but eating the flesh and drinking the blood of another human being is just creepy.; concluded Beesley. ‘It might only be symbolic….but then so is marrying the person you love. Sorry….I just can’t do it.’

Categories: Fake News

Conkers crap, middle-aged man is reminded

News Biscuit - Sun, 10/14/2018 - 1:00am

Roger Martindale, a 48-year-old chartered surveyor from Bromsgrove, has returned from a trip down memory lane by playing conkers in the back garden with his 12-year-old son Nigel in the evening mist.  Unfortunately the memories that were revived were all awful, given that the experience served mainly to confirm that his childhood games were basically pants.

‘Nigel kept on at me to collect conkers with him, then drill holes through them and play,’ Martindale said. ‘I thought it might be a fun, quality time experience for us to share but after about 100 goes each and only dealing a glancing blow to each other’s conker twice each, I started to wonder how much longer I’d have to – AHHHH! Dammit, Nigel, mind my bloody knuckles will you?’

Martindale had had fond memories of playing conkers with his own dad some 35 autumns ago, until he remembered that the only reason for this was that his friends refused to, calling him a speccy loser for not having an Atari.

‘To compound the overwhelming sense of ennui and futility inherent in the situation, the dog, who regards everything else I have ever done as wonderful looked on as disdainfully as my pet cat from childhood did in 1980, while my wife started on about how lovely it was to see boys still enjoying all the old-fashioned games.  Exactly like my mother did in 1980, safe in the knowledge that, as a girl, she would never have this inflicted on her.’

Nonetheless, he conceded, it would be nice if one day, Nigel got to play conkers in the autumn twilight with his own son, ‘if only because the thought of being wheeled out at the age of 75 to do this shit again with a third generation of nerdy kid is too painful to think about it.  Come on mate, it’s France v Romania in a minute. And that was NEVER a windmill, you can fuck right off you can…’

Categories: Fake News

Hard hitting Countryfile special to feature Matt chainsawing a pig, confirm Beeb

News Biscuit - Sat, 10/13/2018 - 2:55pm

The BBC have confirmed that next weeks edition of Countryfile will come from an unlicensed abattoir in mid Devon. The producer of the show has said it is an opportunity to highlight the other side of life in the Shires, and to get a glimpse behind those dry-brick walls.
Critics have long argued that Countryfile only offers viewers a sanitised, rose-tinted version of country life. But programme runners say the hard-hitting two hour special will pull no punches and promises to lift the lid on what really takes place behind closed doors at an off-grid UK slaughterhouse.
Viewers will get a chance to see Countryfile presenters up to their elbows in offal and intestines, skinning sheep, electrocuting chickens and wrestling with barely stunned animals as they desperately cling on to life. Presenter Matt Baker is filmed taking a chainsaw to a recently slaughtered pig, while Anita Rani will be seen passing an electric current through the head of a 35 week old lamb.

See what happens in an hilarious sequence when Anita tried to cut the little lamb’s throat only to find the poor creature wasn’t actually dead.  ‘Yes…that Anita…what is she like’, explained one of the abbatoir workers. ‘We did explain that in order to kill the lamb she needed to cut both carotid arteries and let the thing bleed out for at least 20 seconds, otherwise it just ends up getting skinned alive. It’s hilarious watching poor Anita getting showered in sheep blood while she struggles to put it out of its misery…..pure slapstick.’
Veteran presenter John Craven is then seen immersing chickens in an electrified water bath before passing them through an automatic neck cutter. ‘It took a while before we found a live chicken to electrocute’, quipped John. Most of them were already dead on arrival. Those that hadn’t had their heads crushed in the transporter had died from heart failure, but we found one in the end’.
Follow the life cycle of Buttercup, a happy three year old Hereford as she makes the journey from green pasture to butchers hook, from free roaming animal to pallid, grey stewing steak in a supermarket chiller. Watch Tom Heap scrape shredded meat from the abattoir wall, and see him feed lips and ears through a mincer to make dog food and cat food and own-brand supermarket burgers. And watch Helen Skelton struggle with her ear-defenders as she tries to block out the sound of screaming, panic stricken sheep as they realise what’s about to happen.
‘Viewers have often asked what happens when the cameras stop rolling, the film crews pack all their stuff away and the shows presenters are all tucked up in bed.’, said producer Jason Beesley. ‘Well….this is what happens. Happy now?

The following week, why not join Matt and the rest of the Countryfile team in Monaco as they watch a billionaire land owner blow his entire annual EU subsidy on a single turn of the roulette wheel.

Categories: Fake News

Yellow Pages rebrands as Yellow Page

News Biscuit - Sat, 10/13/2018 - 6:00am

Yellow Pages has decided that the time has come for a rebranding, to fit in with its contemporary slimline look – and will henceforth be known as “Yellow Page”. Once a breezeblock sized tome and the chief source of information on local business phone numbers, the publication has been steadily shrinking ever since the dawn of the internet, along with the use of phone numbers and local businesses.

As well as cheaper production costs, the new Yellow Page will be much easier to fit through a letterbox, and also much easier to tear up, allowing 95% of the UK population to be able to claim that they are incredibly strong.

“Inevitably with our move to one side of A4 we have to sacrifice some of the text”, says Yellow Page’s CEO Ruth Jones, “so the plan is simply to put the address of our website in 36 point and leave it at that.”

Categories: Fake News
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