Fake News

Markle Debarkle

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/17/2018 - 4:44am
Categories: Fake News

East Coast Railway franchise found on Ebay

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/17/2018 - 4:00am

Listed as having several ‘not so careful’ owners, rail services on the East Coast Main Line have been discovered in a job lot of broken capitalism; alongside Carillion, RBS and a wax-work Peter Stringfellow.

The seller, a Mr. Grayling, admits that there is ‘some wear’ around the Edinburgh seams, but generally there are no rips, stains or untoward signs of profitability.

Size: Tight
Fabric: Threadbare
Lining: Richard Branson’s pocketThe lot is described as suitable for any rail enthusiast or fan of printing money. The starting bid of 99p has already got three watchers – The Department for Transport, the Island of Sodor and Gordon Gekko.

Postage tracking comes to £38bn and a signature in blood is required. The listing says that this railway set is: ‘a perfect example of Tory privatization…sold as seen’.

Categories: Fake News

UKIP bounce back with ‘Experience Days’ for the public

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/17/2018 - 3:00am

 With recent local elections all but wiping UKIP from the political map, to boost flagging funds the party’s policy gurus have started offering ‘Experience Days’.

Plans have now been approved to roll the purple and gold carpet out to the general public looking hone their skills, polish their public persona or just pay to make inappropriate statements and have a laugh. One real UKIP member added, ‘When you’re at rock bottom and calling yourself Black Death, what do you have to lose?’

An advert on UKIP’s website reveals the following packages are currently available:

Telephone Marketing Party Worker @0.20p : Dispel unpopular Party facts and conjure improbable new ones. Stay connected for longer than 3 minutes to beat the record.

Door-To-Door Canvasser@ £1.05: Clipboards, rosettes and unrelenting optimism. Ideal for the chirpy masochist.

Adviser At Party Meetings  @£2.40: explore ways for the pseudo-electable to say what the Party’s thinking, without saying what the Party’s thinking.

Departmental Spokespersons and Faux-Ministerial Positions: Available on a sliding fee scale ranging from £2.00 for Junior Environment Minister right up to £4.50  Shadow Chancellor.

Party Leader Platinum Package (PLPP) @ £15.00: Involves a week-long full-board immersion into the most ‘challenging’ of political roles. Not for the faint-hearted.

Give rousing speeches of your own creation with green-screen crowds cheering your every delusion. Have ‘Dinner with The Donald Trump-a-like’, fumble through your contradictions under the scrutiny of a political interviewer on ‘live’ TV. Create your own scandal, resign and fade back to the real world having had the thrill of your life.

It is understood that group pacakes are to be offered too with the ‘Black Death Battle Bus Package’ featuring prominently and entailing: One week travelling in a hi-vis coach. Encompassing all the UKIP ‘Experience’ roles, this package is ideal for stag-dos and hen-parties, where clothing, self-respect and debris from low-bridge collisions are strewn daily across seven towns in the county of your choice.

One satisfied customer responded: ‘I did PLPP incognito, and rather enjoyed it. Some of the ideologies appear to have rubbed-off, thanks UKIP!’ JC, Islington North.

POSTED 1 DAY AGO #
Categories: Fake News

Markle family set to star in Beverly Hillbillies reboot

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/17/2018 - 2:22am

Nowherefast

Categories: Fake News

Clichés in crisis as flea phones in sick

News Biscuit - Thu, 05/17/2018 - 2:00am

The global network of clichés has been plunged into chaos today following the news that a flea, previously considered to be the fittest of all creatures, phoned in sick today.

‘It’s true’ admitted a mangy dog that the flea has been working on for the last six months. ‘I got a call from him yesterday morning shortly after nine o’clock saying that he was feeling terrible and wouldn’t be in today. He did sound rough, although maybe just a little too rough, if you know what I mean.’

The revelation casts serious doubt on the validity of the saying ‘as fit as a flea’, with critics claiming that the insect should never have been held up as a model of fitness in the first place. ‘This is a creature that’s killed millions of people over the years through its filthy bloodsucking and spread of plague’ said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley. ‘Plague! I ask you – is that the actions of a fit and healthy individual?’

However, the news was welcomed by fiddles, the flea’s long-term rival for supremacy in the comparative fitness stakes. ‘This just goes to prove what we’ve said all along’ said a Stradivarius from Manchester. ‘At long last the flea’s been exposed as a charlatan. I’m as happy as Larry (assuming that Larry is actually happy of course).’

Supporters of the flea maintain though that he was in fact still fit, and that he had simply been pulling a sickie. ‘He was on Facebook all day saying how he was enjoying his day off’ confirmed a close friend. ‘I’m not sure his boss will be happy, but it does mean we can carry on using the phrase ‘as fit as a flea” he said.

This isn’t the first time cliches have been in the news for all the wrong reasons. In 2006 a parrot from Rochdale hit the headlines when he revealed in an interview with Piers Morgan that despite repeated claims by footballers across the country, he was in no shape or form ‘sick’, and had in fact just received a clean bill of health in his annual BUPA health-check. Then in 2009 a protracted legal battle rocked the nation as a baby attempted to take an injunction out against a log to prevent it from claiming that it was the epitomy of a good night’s sleep, with the judge eventually throwing the case out after four months of bitter evidence and legal wrangling on the grounds that there was nothing to suggest that either was in the slightest bit good at sleeping.

The flea was unavailable for comment, either in person or on Facebook, with many speculating that he was in fact ‘down the pub with his mates, drunk as a skunk.’

Categories: Fake News

If Isaac Newton Was Such a Genius, Then Why Didn`t He Invent The Internet?

News Biscuit - Wed, 05/16/2018 - 3:55pm

Sir Isaac Newton`s achievements in the diverse fields of Mathematics, Astronomy and Physics, had irrevocably assured his place in history as a genius. Or so one would have thought.

Not according to a survey undertaken by the not so red brick, University of Bedfordshire. Professor Brian Ramsbottom has revealed that 3 out of 5 people have actually queried the work of the famous English Scientist and his claim to fame.

‘If he was so ahead of his time, then why didn`t he invent the internet?’ one contributor asked.

‘It`s a moot point. But an interesting one,’ explained the Professor. ‘At first, we thought, to be fair, there was no electricity. But then, my star student suggested that he could have invented that as well… if he had the nous. It was a pin drop moment. Brilliant.’

Another interviewee questioned the validity of the great man supposedly discovering gravity. ‘Pretty sure the Dinosaurs got on to that first when the asteroids started banging the earth. I mean, that sounds more feasible than an apple falling from a tree,’ claimed an anonymous middle-aged man.

Cambridge University, where Newton once held the esteemed post as Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, has dismissed the amateurish and outlandish findings. Accusing the University of Bedfordshire of Luddite Science, they have requested details of where and how the survey was conducted.

Professor Ramsbottom has since conceded the limitations of his research. ‘Maybe Millwall is not a representative cross section of the U.K.’, he said, ‘We`re in Newcastle next week though.’

 

Macattack1964

Categories: Fake News

Gareth Southgate to ask England fans for silence to help players concentrate

News Biscuit - Wed, 05/16/2018 - 7:00am

In an effort to propel the England football team into the later stages of the World Cup in Russia, the FA and Gareth Southgate are asking travelling fans to remain quiet during games to allow players to concentrate.

The request marks a departure from previous tournaments where encouragement of the team by the fans was seen as beneficial. The FA have also taken the rather extreme measure of not commissioning or endorsing a song for fans and players to identify with.

England manager Gareth Southgate explains, ‘In every World Cup tournament we have an army of travelling fans, singing and shouting encouragement, willing the team on with every ounce of body and soul, and we haven’t come anywhere near winning since 1966. It doesn’t take a genius to see where the problem lies.’

‘I was on the bench in 2002 where the fans were doing the conga around the stadium, even though we won 3-0 all I could think of was: would I be missed if I joined the back of the line? Now, there’s drummers and trumpeters blasting away, the players can’t hear themselves think and they can’t hear my instructions unless I raise my voice a little.

‘I’m doing my bit, I’m taking the other team managers in our group to Nando’s when we get there, to ask them to ensure their fans are quiet and respectful too. I don’t think that’s out of order, they’ll be paying for their own drinks.’

 

Categories: Fake News

Embarrassing Family Member Role ‘Now Vacant’ for Royal Wedding

News Biscuit - Wed, 05/16/2018 - 4:00am

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were left scrambling today to find a last-minute stand-in to fill the all-important ‘Embarrassing Family Member’ role. The role has traditionally been filled by HRH the Duke of Edinburgh, and was due to be filled this Saturday by Meghan’s Dad, Thomas Markle.

However, although Mr Markle has done a great job of embarrassing them before the wedding, it appears he won’t be able to fulfil his duties on the big day itself. Meghan and Harry are said to be scouring their family trees for a suitable drunken long-lost cousin or the more traditional pervy Uncle, but have so far come up short.

As a last resort Harry is considering pleading with Prince Phillip to come out of retirement as a professional ‘gaffe-maker supreme’ and has promised him a free-rein if he agrees. Royal watchers feel that, with an international TV audience of billions watching on, and a generous sprinkling of foreign guests due to be present, the Duke may be unable to resist.

Categories: Fake News

Ecclestone announces ‘Wacky’ shake up of Formula 1

News Biscuit - Wed, 05/16/2018 - 2:00am

Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone has unveiled his full vision for this year’s racing season which builds upon his recent suggestion that drivers should be able to take shortcuts during a race. In a lengthy press statement he outlined the following proposals:

– Traction control to be outlawed, although cars will be allowed to have wings and take-off during a race.
– Offensive weaponry to be permitted so that rival cars may be shot at, but only if a direct hit is non-lethal: merely rendering the car and its driver black faced and smoky.
– Engine specifications to be relaxed so that Jet propulsion units may be fitted to vehicles.
– Chassis modifications that enable a car to rise on stilts and pass over another car will now be acceptable to the FIA.
– Vehicles may accommodate passengers ranging from dogs to whole families.

Under scrutiny from the assembled journalists Ecclestone admitted that his ideas may seem extreme but was quick to point out that the constructors had already signed up to the changes. Ferrari are developing a completely new car codenamed Arkansas Chugabug, McLarens new Mean Machine concept will be powered by an Acme sourced Jet Engine and Force India are adopting the Bouldermobile, a low-cost vehicle carved out of stone and powered by the legs of driver Adrian Sutil and new co-driver Captain Caveman.

The changes are taking place in celebration of the return of Michael Schumacher, or Dick Dastardly as he’s known to other drivers.

TerribleTim (One line Basil_B)

Categories: Fake News

Scandal hits porn industry as star refuses to make sexual advances

News Biscuit - Tue, 05/15/2018 - 3:55pm

Millions of porn fans are in shock today, as it was revealed that actors are afraid to make ‘inappropriate’ moves without the written consent of their moaning and perspiring co-stars.

Producers first noticed a problem on the set of Plumber Roast a month ago, when the leading male Brad Silvers made his entrance. ‘All he would do was talk about how those U-bend blockages were a very common problem these days’, says co-star Sonya Chinn, ‘even when I was draped over the counter top half naked sucking my finger. I tried purring a few hints about ball cocks and flexible versus rigid piping, but he just replied that he couldn’t possibly comment. Worst of all was when I discovered the guy with him was not a plumber’s mate but his lawyer’.

The frustrated Ms Chinn immediately started her #meneither campaign on Twitter and soon had thousands of followers from the adult film industry with the same problem. Garage hands are looking on stony-faced when hit with a barrage of innuendo about getting rear-ended, and delivery boys are shoving pizzas into the letter box and making off before the bored housewife even has time to answer the door in her negligee.

Fans are getting increasingly angry with the hypocrisy of actors who parade their impeccable horndog reputations before the media and then act like monks when surrounded by sex-mad women in private. One recently retired movie expert has generously offered his services for free in the battle to end ‘the insidious culture of celibacy’ that is taking over the porn industry. However, one female star who has met him says, ‘Uh, I don’t think so. His name is Harvey and he looks like a slug’.

Categories: Fake News

Nick Clegg, Nicky Morgan & David Miliband – Avengers Assemble!

News Biscuit - Tue, 05/15/2018 - 7:00am

In Britain’s hour of need a crack team of super-powered politicians have assembled to fight injustice, UKIP’s Thanos and the evils of direct voting by the electorate. Faced with imminent destruction, the UK has turned to the superhero team who brought you student fees, academization and a reason to vote for Ed Miliband.

Responding to the Bat Signal and a PPI enquiry, this triumvirate of geniuses have promised in true Hulk-style: ‘Brexit smash!’. Clegg/Morgan/Miliband or ‘Clorgand’ for short or ‘Clusterf$ck’ for shorter.

Despite Clegg, Morgan and Miliband being more commonly known to their colleagues as Bungle, George and Zippy; to the public they are inspiringly called ‘Iron Lung’, ‘The Black Spot’ and ‘Captain American Tax-haven’

In hushed tones, one MP explained: ‘Today, unwanted by any government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them ….maybe you can hire them for a children’s party?’

Categories: Fake News
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