Fake News
NewsBiscuit Podcast 5 now available
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Comedy news from NewsBiscuit.
Host: Wrenfoe
Featuring Guests: Kit Caboodle, Chipchase, Bernard Castle & Al OâPecia.
August 2021
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Categories: Fake News
Raab Asks Everybody To Stop Speculating About His Resignation
In a public statement issued through the FCDO on Friday, Mr Raab has asked the Press and public to stop speculating about his resignation as he is currently on holiday and does not have time to address the questions and pressure. “As a keen paddle-boarder I like to spend as much on-board time as possible whilst vacationing and I need to focus on by board technique for the next couple of weeks not spend time finding excuses for what I’m really doing”.
Categories: Fake News
Amazon forest fires could devastate Bake Off warn Channel 4
The forest fires currently raging across parts of the Amazon could have a devastating effect on the new series of Bake Off, the head of Channel 4 entertainment warned today. Fires in the Amazon rainforest have been burning out of control for several weeks, putting supplies of dried cassava, tucupi and red cochineal in short supply.
âSome essential ingredients used by the Bake Off chefs could dry up completely if the fires continue to rage out of controlâ, warned a spokesperson for show maker Love Productions.
Creative director Jason Beesley said that some of the chefs lined up for the new series have already considering pulling out of the event. âOne chef said that if he canât get his hands on a brace of macaweira hog plums then his signature dish would simply be ruined and appearing on the show would be pointless’, noted Beasley.
Some Bake Off chefs are blaming the Brazilian people, calling them selfish and lazy saying they are not doing enough to safeguard the sort of essential baking ingredients needed to put on a top TV show like Bake Off.
âI donât think they realise how much hard work and effort goes into producing a show like Bake Offâ. said contestant Jay Tranter. âThis is importantâŚsurely they can get a couple of fires under control.’
‘They need to sort those fires out soon or the Christmas and New Year specials could be ruined’ continued Tranter. ‘Those Brazilian farmers should not be allowed to stand by and watch their crops burn down. Not when it puts something as important as Bake Off at riskâ.
BBC producers also warned that the rainforest fires could affect the new series of Strictly.
âMost of the sequins we use on our ballgowns are made in Brazil’, said one producer. ‘Some of the chalk we use on the dance floors also comes from the region. Strictly contestants canât really be expected to dance an authentic Carimbo Capoeia if the sequins are made outside Brazil. These things matterâ.
Fans of the show say they will be devastated if silly little forest fires are allowed to ruin their Saturday night entertainment. One tearful Bake Off fan even threatened to let her vagina hair grow out saying she was fully prepared to go naked on a beach without waxing.
‘I think they call it re-wilding or something’, said the fan; I read something about it on Facebook….where you let the bushes grow back again’.
Image by congerdesign from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Man dumps woman over inspirational wall art.
A couple who had been on several dates have just split up after he visited her apartment for the first time, and saw her choice of wall art.
Nathan Dunce said, âThings had been going well with Natalie, but that all changed when she invited me round to her place for a romantic meal. As soon as I walked in I saw a massive framed poster saying, âMay All Who Enter Leave As Friendsâ. I mean, really? Even the bloke who comes to read the gas meter?
“Above the sofa in the living room there was a big sign saying, âLive Every Moment Like Itâs Your Lastâ. That felt like too much pressure to me – when Iâm sitting on a sofa I mainly just want to watch Netflix and eat Doritos. In the kitchen she had a sign saying, âThis Kitchen Is For Dancingâ, which struck me as being a recipe for indigestion, not to mention downright dangerous – you shouldnât leave a chip pan unattended while you go tangoing round the kitchen!
“Even in the bathroom there was a sign saying, âWash Away Your Troubles With Some Bubblesâ. I donât like bubble baths. Most of my time in the bathroom is spent sitting on the toilet scrolling through my phone while I have a crap. I had thought Natalie seemed really easy going, but when I saw all those signs everywhere telling me what to do, I started to think that sheâs actually quite bossy. The final straw came when I saw a sign above the bed saying, âSleep, Sweet Dreamsâ. No mention of sex at all – not even a little sign saying, âJust A Quickie, Iâve Got An Early Start Tomorrowâ. So as soon as weâd eaten the meal, I gave her the old, âItâs Not You, Itâs Meâ spiel, and legged it out of there.â
When asked how she was feeling after the break-up, Natalie said, âTo be honest, Iâm not too upset. Nathan was a nice guy, but his dress sense was terrible. All he ever wears are t-shirts with slogans on them like âJust Do Itâ, and âLove Footballâ, which made me think heâs a bit immature. I texted my best friend to tell her Nathan and I had split up, and she sent me a meme which says, âBe Strong Enough To Let Go, And Wise Enough To Wait For What You Deserve.â Thatâs quite inspiring. I wonder if I can get that on a poster?â
Image by Igor Ovsyannykov from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Patients who need blood tests asked to bring a bottle
As hospitals and GPs in England are being forced to ration blood tests while the NHS struggles to cope with a shortage of plastic sample bottles, one GP surgery in Walsall has asked patients who require a blood test to bring their own bottle.
The surgeryâs Practice Manager said, âWe decided to ask patients to bring a bottle along if they need a blood test, as we didnât want to turn away anyone who may be ill. There are several bottles that patients may already have at home that are suitable for blood tests, such as the little bottles that food flavourings like vanilla extract come in. However, we do advise patients to wash the bottle thoroughly before bringing it to the surgery, as food flavourings can have a high sugar content, and an unclean bottle could lead to a false diagnosis of diabetes. Food colourings also come in similar small bottles, but again we do ask patients to make sure the bottle is clean, as bright green blood is always a worry. Miniature whiskey bottles can also be used, although if not properly washed beforehand they could lead to a false diagnosis of cirrhosis of the liver. And as one of our GPs is rather fond of a tipple, if we leave any of those lying around there is a strong chance those samples might not even make it to the lab.
âTo be honest, with the risk of catching Covid at the surgery, extremely long NHS waiting lists, and shortages of essential medical supplies, the best advice we can give to patients at the moment is – donât get ill!â
Categories: Fake News
UN to insist Channel Islands are British
The UNâs maritime law tribunal has ruled that Mauritius has no sovereignty over the Channel Islands and criticised Mauritius for its failure to hand the territory back to the UK. This confirms an International Court of Justice ruling and UN General Assembly vote.
The Channel Islands include a variety of tax havens, although not a US military base. Mauritius has said it will return the islands when they’re no longer needed for financial skulduggery and tax avoidance. In a weirdly petty development, Channel Island postal stamps are to be banned, although British courts will still use rubber stamps to approve the wishes of the bankers who own them.
A small and isolated island nation, largely dependent on tourist income, the UK is led by electrocuted scarecrow Boris Johnson. Britain is also famous for its beaches which are covered in exotic shell companies.
Captains Ahab, Birdseye, Blackbeard and Pugwash issued a rare joint statement, dismissive of the UN ruling, saying ‘Shiver me timbers, if a cutlass, an aircraft carrier and a centre for offshore finance can be beaten by the rule of law, where can a pirate go? Apart from the British Virgin Islands that is. Nowhere near Britain and nowhere near virgins. Arrr.’
[big hat tip to Sir Lupus]
Categories: Fake News
UK hesitates after evidence reveals al-Assad is probably a meerkat
There was disarray in the UK Parliament last night on the question of whether or not to intervene in Syria as evidence emerged that President Bashar Al-Assad may actually be a meerkat.
Despite some suggestion that he may be a tyrannical despot involved in the murder of his people through high explosives and, latterly, chemical weapons, a majority of the British parliament remains convinced that he is a small furry mammal far more interested in selling insurance products than slaughtering innocent civilians.
Opposition politicians and several Tory MPs, including a couple of forgetful government ministers, dismissed evidence that Assad was actually and dementedly human, and produced evidence of pamphlets that he had distributed which offered great deals for couples with a home, or cars, or even landlords which they could pass for scrutiny under the eyes of inspectors from trading standards, before even thinking about taking appropriate action.
The vote on whether in principle British forces should be used to fire missiles at Syrian government assets to prevent any more attacks on civilians was further scuppered by alternative views that it might be better to humanely leave a trail of peanuts all the way to the bushes and get rid of him that way instead.
‘Part of NATO’s role is to bring stability in crisis zones where civilians are in danger,’ said Anders Fogh Rasmussen, head of NATO, ‘but imagine the public horror if we launched a load of missiles at the House of Meerkovo on prime-time television and showed the results. That tattered and torn smoking jacket. Those soft toys strewn everywhere away from the dignity of their packaging. We lose the battle for hearts and minds, right there.”
However, the situation remains tense and in stalemate after a ten-hour debate in the House of Commons failed to agree whether Assad looks more like ‘Sergei’ or ‘Aleksandr’.
The US government dismissed the need to wait, citing the fact that all the meerkats they’ve come across appear to have implausible Russian accents which they claim only strengthens their suspicions that Al-Assad is probably human after all. ‘And if anyone in the Syrian regime dares to say ‘Simples’,’ said US secretary of Defence, Chuck Hagel, ‘We’ll nuke ’em all to hell.’
Image by Ian Lindsay from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Disgusting marine life found in ocean of beautiful plastic
Refuse conservationists have warned that marine life is finding its way into the planet’s oceans of plastic. “This is a concerning development,” said Professor Clive Collins from the Institute of Secretly Getting Paid Shitoalds By Fossil Fuel Interest Groups. “At this stage we can’t say whether marine life entering our delicate and fragile microplastic ecosystems could be harmful to humans, or ineed the entire planet.
“More research is needed. And by that I mean more funding so that my colleagues and I can live ever more plastic-based lavish lifestyles, while we pretend to do important things by holding up conical flasks of coloured liquids, and looking serious while stroking our chins.
“One thing is for sure, it is a disgusting and unsightly development, and the governments of the world need to act urgently to prevent this marine life situation spiralling out of control. If we don’t see a significant change in our behaviour, we could be overrun with dolphins and shit, and everyone needs to come together and work hard to prevent that.
“This is the bit where I use words like ‘catastrophic disaster’ and phrases like ‘imagine turning your tap on at home and finding a blue whale in your glass’. Our PR guy insists it will get us a lot more coverage for our cause and scare people into immediate action. But seriously, this could cause severe harm to the non-biodegradable thermo-setting microplastic ecology we have spent decades cultivating.”
Image by Mikes-Photography from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Man shaves after concluding his lockdown beard is more Lineker than Clooney
A manâs attempt to grow designer stubble during lockdown has ended in defeat after he was forced to admit that it made him look more like a scruffy football pundit than a Hollywood actor.
Mr James Lloyd of Basingstoke had not allowed his facial hair to grow since failing dismally in the sixth form grow a moustache competition several decades earlier, but thought lockdown brought the ideal opportunity to develop a new cool and stylish image, only 30 years after it became fashionable.
But after four months of ensuring his face was blurry and poorly lit during Zoom meetings while he grew and trimmed and shaped his new look, Mr Lloyd has given up and shaved it all off. However, he is not at all downhearted. âMy wife said getting rid of the beard took ten years off me so Iâm going to grow it and shave it all off again at least twice more,â he explained.
Image by Hands off my tags! Michael Gaida from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Man who closed the sea defends Dominic Raab
‘You’re all being very unfair to Mr Raab,’ said the man who declared the sea closed last week. ‘I could see the sea was full already, with fish, water and stuff – lots of plastic stuff, and poo – lots of poo – have you ever seen a fish get out to go? Or a holidaymaker come to that? I decided that unless the fish got out, Raab couldn’t go in. He was very disappointed, said something about phone calls to make, had a waterproof mobile phone, and needing to get a bit of paddle-boarding in, but I said no. There’s a lovely ocean over there if you likes, Mr Raab, I said. It’s a bit full of water too, lots of plastic and quite a bit of poo, but not as many fish thanks to the plastic and the poo.’
The man admitted that he did take some sympathy with the Foreign Secretary. ‘I said he could take a widdle if he liked, but no bloody paddle boarding.’
Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
NetFlix blamed for âemptyâ enclosures at troubled monkey attraction
The âGo Bananasâ monkey sanctuary in Dorset is at the centre of criticism from both animal welfare experts and visitors, after it was revealed that an initiative to provide cutting-edge, 21st century facilities for resident primates encountered a series of problems.
As Peter Cooper, Head Keeper, explained, âMonkeys are sophisticated and complex higher primates who love life and have a passion for adventure and new experiences. Unfortunately, we donât really have the staff, or the money to give them that, so earlier this year we thought, âF*ck it, we could just get them the latest 4K televisions, take advantage of 6 month discount subscription to Netflix and let them binge-watch some mind-rotting TV like their human equivalents. What could go wrong?â
To begin with, feedback from both keepers and the parkâs guests to the initiative were positive, despite the odd riot or two over the ownership of the remote control. However, by the beginning of July the situation had changed for the worse.
âWe were starting to get complaints about some of the animals’ behaviour in front of the guests, particularly if the guests were discussing anything television-related’, noted Simon Lewis-Briggs, duty manager. âFor example, Bobo the gorilla, ‘overheard’ two girls discussing some American reality TV show and he started covering his ears and grunting something that sounded very much like, âNo spoilers, no spoilers!â, and begun baring his teeth and banging on the glass of the enclosure.
âNow the primates won’t leave their inner enclosures at all, unless to feed or shit. And sometimes not even then – when they got hold of the last series of The Crown, we didn’t see them for days.
Amidst falling ticket sales, the attractionâs management team have worked hard to make the best of the situation. ‘We’ve installed interactive booths at every enclosure so the kids can watch what is not happening and then vote on whether they think the monkeys are still alive’, continued Lewis-Briggs. âDead or Escaped: You Decideâ is bringing it home!
Not all visitors have been positive about the changes, however. As one indicated, âLike the majority of people who come here I donât give a shit about monkeys, today Iâve spent all my time, smoking, drinking coffee and shouting at kids.â Whilst another, Judy Little, said. âI donât know what the fuss is all about. Staring mindlessly for hours at an enclosure waiting expectedly for some animals to do something isnât much different from watching Love Island.â
DGreen
Image by Vinson Tan ( ćĽ çĽ ćŚ ) from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Charlie Watts âdrove London busâ throughout Stones career.
âGet on a 270 bus at Wandsworth and it wouldnât be surprising to see Charlie at the wheelâ, revealed a childhood pal after the news of the Stones famously down-to-earth drummerâs passing. âHe never forgot his bus routes, despite the fame and wealth. Even in the middle of a UK tour heâd sneak off to go down Lambeth Garage and climb aboard.â
âEven when Mick and Murray Unfaithful were getting in deep in the interplanetary confectionery business, Charlieâs preference was for a small portion of whelks. Even when Keef joined the Taliban cos he liked the funny clobber and their prices for smack were reasonable if you bought in bulk, Charlie preferred a shandy and a three piece worsted from Cecil Gee. And while other drummers needed local authority planning permission to set up their drum kits, Charlie was perfectly at home with a family-size Quality Street tin and some chop sticks, hence his inimitable pared down style and his fondness for hard centres. And he was married to his Mrs throughout their time together as man and wife, even when the rest of the band succumbed to the charms of âgropiesâ and one night music stands and all spent the night together.â
Now Watts will take his place in the Repercussion Hall of Fame alongside Keith Moo, Bloody Rich, Ginger âBiscuitsâ and that one from the Police who isnât even dead yet.
Image by Jordan Holiday from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Prince Andrew appointed trade envoy to Love Island
Liz Truss insisted that Andrew could bring a wealth of experience about private islands, inappropriate love and pizza related alibis. One aide commented: âThey both seemed so excited, we didnât have the heart to tell them that Love Island is not a real countryâ.
Prince Andrew is said to have been ready to leave in an instant, having had his bags packed for a hasty exit months ago. He did insist that his new role would be covered by diplomatic immunity, anonymity on Tinder and an untraceable Search History.
Meanwhile, the International Trade Secretary has made her mark by appointing a string of inappropriate envoys; including Oliver Cromwell to Ireland, Henry V to France and Kate Hoey to anywhere. Many have sarcastically commented that Truss was just pulling names out of a hat, while her aide explained: âItâs not that that strategicâ.
Andrew will be solely responsible for the import and export of love to the UK, with his primary focus on emerging markets â ânothing too oldâ he demanded. Unlike other Royals who have been accused of not working hard, Andrew promised to be very hands on.
Image by adamkontor from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Premier League refs to allow more physical play.
Amongst those delighted with this decision is Sandy Ballsover â Artistic Director for FADA â the Football Academy for the Dramatic Arts.
âThis is great newsâ gushed Sandy. âIt means that the methods we teach for conning the ref â sorry I meant appealing for the obviously correct decision â are more important than ever. We can offer a whole range of training classes for the Sunday morning pub team clogger right up to the English International clogger. Amongst the many skills we can develop are:-
â˘Falling like a ton of bricks if an opponentâs boot gets anywhere near a leg, rolling around on the ground as if the leg has been remove just below the hip. Subsequently getting up and running the length of the pitch in just under 10 seconds.
â˘If fouled â and following the above performance, the opponent gets red / yellow carded, adopting a rueful grin and trying to shake his hand.
â˘Having finally been red-carded for a series of tackles which anywhere else would result in a jail sentence, leaving the pitch with eyes downcast and sadly shaking the head â think Mother Teresa.
â˘Utilising the Larry Olivier thespian techniques whilst having a measured, philosophical discussion with the ref â eyes widened, mouth open (and ideally spittle flecked) and both arms held in the John McEnroe pose. Also undertaking rigorous research beforehand to uncover a swear word not used previously.
â˘Practicing spitting accuracy to ensure a well developed gob lands millimetres away from the refâs / linemenâs boot.
â˘Generous applauding the home supporters after yet another home loss. Ironically applauding the away supporters after an unprecedented away win.â
Asked if the Academy taught any actual football skills, Sandy giggled and said âdonât be silly darling!â
Image by Phillip Kofler from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Dating app user freaks out after receiving normal message
Sarah Paulley, a beauty therapist from Chester, has finally recovered from the shock of receiving a normal message from a man on a dating app.
The 22-year old was browsing the app one evening after work in the vague hope that her prince charming would appear when she least expected it.
âI was scrolling through all of my messages like I usually do of an evening: Unsolicited dick pic, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me if Iâm up for no-strings fun, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me for a picture of my feet, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me if I will birth his children from my ample hips, dick pic, dick pic, someone who has a picture of himself with his mum, dick pic, and so on and so forthâ said Sarah, âYâknow, the norm.â
âThen, there it was! A regular message from a nice-looking chap called Connor. He didnât have any serial killer vibes, mentions of dealing weed, or photos of him passed out with âprickâ written on his head, and the message itself was charming, witty, and ended with a question about my music taste. I was so shocked that I closed my account and deleted the app.â
âMaybe I should re-establish my profile and reply to him like a normal human being, without using the laughing emoji accompanied by the subtext of please don’t find out where I live‘ said Sarah.
‘Although to be honest, Iâll probably just wait until Iâm confident heâs moved on so I can return to my comfort zone of weirdos and sexually frustrated mechanics.â
Categories: Fake News
