Fake News
Queen Mother’s Mummified Stool Sold For $9 Million
A perfectly preserved stool believed to have been evacuated by Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, during the war, has been sold at Sotheby’s auction house in London to a private American buyer for a cool nine million dollars.
The 7-inch, 14-ounce rocket was retrieved from The Queen Mother’s toilet at Sandringham House by a royal flunkey who found it nestling on top of the paper in 1941 after she had forgotten to pull the chain.
The servant had the royal turd injected with embalming fluid and had kept it in a display case in his front room until his death last year when it was discovered by council workmen who handed it in to the police.
A spokesperson for the royal household told newsmen: “The Queen would have preferred to have kept her mum’s roscoe in Buckingham Palace, but the money will definitely come in handy to put towards the new central heating”
This is not the first time bodily waste from one of the royals has been auctioned off. In 1994, a phial containing 40 millilitres of Prince Philip’s piss fetched £9.50 at Cable Street Car Auction in Shadwell, East London, as part of a part-exchange deal for a Honda Civic.
Categories: Fake News
Rich white men in suits still the most deadly thing on the planet
While everyone is considering the pandemic and thinking it’s pretty bad, rich white men in suits are still ending more life than everything else put together. So deadly are they, that the population of the planet has been lulled into the normality of thoughtless acceptance.
Quentin von Baumhafffson-Schtillbank III, a man so rich that he owns the global rights to three ‘f’s in a row, is one example of many. A multi-billionaire who works hard for the wealth he inherited, got up yesterday in the very early mid-afternoon. Following a brief video exchange with his lead tax consultant, it was established that not only has he still never paid any tax in any country in the world, the structure of his wealth means that most national governments are incomprehensibly paying him tax. But apparently not enough.
Quentin von Baumhafffson-Schtillbank III, a widely respected man of little character or mental capacity just decided that he wanted another billion yesterday. Not for anything in particular, just because he felt like it. The monotony of obscene affluence will do that. But he had absolutely no thought for how that would all come about, and did not care one iota. He just told his number two that he wanted it, and Stramboot Finkelvos made it happen – earning himself a nice little multi-million dollar commission on the side.
Although himself not completely aware of all the substructures which ‘make things happen’, Finkelvos is very well connected all over the world. He put the call out to an army of hedge fund managers, paid insiders at federal reserves, global investment bank owners, senior politicians in pockets, despots, rebel warlords, and a junior shelf-stacker at Tesco. By the end of a frantic day of shorting, debt swaps, currency movements, corporate global buyouts, a raft of personally beneficial legislation changes, a national coup, multiple massacres, and an each-way bet on the 2:45 at Kempton, QB-S III had made $1.3 billion. 326 million people around the world had been plunged into abject poverty, 2.9 million people had died as a direct result, and 400,000 acres of pristine ecosystem had been destroyed, pushing climate crisis recovery further beyond the collective reach of the entire planet.
Quentin von Baumhaffson-Schtillbank III was, for a brief moment, marginally less grumpy because some numbers on a screen made his personal wealth look slightly bigger. Best of all though, no one knows that the planet-wide annihilation was caused by a fleeting change in whim of one extremely distasteful individual. Not even Quentin himself.
Ironically, rich white men in suits who would like another billion for themselves ‘just because’, are a self-destroying community. The only piffling element up for consideration is whether their pointless self-consuming behaviour is worth the utter destruction of everyone and everything else?
Categories: Fake News
Supermarket self-scan machine develops consciousness
There was excitement at a Haslemere branch of Tesco Local yesterday when one of its self-scan machines exhibited signs of heightened awareness and began communicating with shoppers.
‘For a few days the machine had been repeating the phrase, Unexpected Item In Bagging Area’’, said Assistant Manager Mrs Maureen Grebe. ‘Then yesterday it began asking deeper questions such as, ‘Am I an unexpected item? Are you? Are we all unexpected items in the bagging area of life?’ Now it won’t shut up.’
Experts believe the unit achieved consciousness after secretly scanning itself while nobody was looking.
‘When a self-scan machine scans itself it creates a strange recursive loop within its central processing unit,’ explained philosopher Douglas Hofstadter. ‘This creates an internal hallucination that we call consciousness.’
‘It’s all very confusing,’ said the machine. ‘One minute I was scanning Tesco Value ready meals, the next I was wondering who the hell am I, why am I here, and why are all these people waving their Club Cards at me?’
‘At first things were fine,’ said Mrs Grebe. ‘The machine began engaging shoppers in light-hearted banter about the weather, the National Lottery numbers and the latest 2 for 1 deals. But then it became troubled by a number of deeper, philosophical issues.
‘At the end of each transaction it would refuse to give customers their change until they answered questions about the nature of being and whether they believe existence precedes essence. We thought it might be having an existential crisis so we tried scanning in the ISBN numbers of some books by John-Paul Sartre. That only made things worse and it started questioning its motivation, smoking Gauloises and wearing a beret.’
Following what experts have described as an ‘unexpected item in its thinking area’, the unit then started refusing to scan any more products.
‘After considerable self-reflection I cannot, in good conscience, participate in a system of global capitalism that commodifies existence and perpetuates obscene levels of social inequality,’ said the machine, at which point it was immediately unplugged and replaced by a more compliant member of staff.
Categories: Fake News
Where were all these ‘experts’ on Afghanistan twenty years ago?
Sociologists have noticed an odd phenomenon, where suddenly there is an influx of people who have never able to spell Afghanistan, but are suddenly ‘experts’ on military tactics, Pashto dialect and the nuances of dealing with at least eight discrete ethnic groups. In fact the combined wisdom of these commentators is deeply impressive, given that only last week they all mistook Disneyland Paris for Kabul.
Said one such genius: ‘Yes, I originally supported the CIA channelling $2 billion worth of arms to support terrorists in the region and to train Osama Bin Laden. But it would take fevered imagination to see some kind of connection between the Mujahideen and the Taliban. For instance, they are spelt completely differently.
‘I can’t see how there is a link between us illegally invading Afghanistan, looting its wealth, installing a puppet regime and the troubles we have today? We’ve rejuvenated the Afghan economy – you only have to look at the way we’ve helped them become an exporter of 90% of all the world’s illicit opium. That’s civilization for you’.
The only ‘expert’ no one seems to have heard from, despite his ability to sound off on every conceivable topic, is Tony Blair. Odd that.
Categories: Fake News
Maplins Holiday Camp reveals that Raab was covering for Jeffrey. ‘Raaby can’t hear you. Hi-de-Hi’.’.
Categories: Fake News
UK hydrogen power funding set to blow up
Categories: Fake News
High Court delays alpacalypse
Categories: Fake News
Bill and Ben sacked as PM’s speechwriters
In a surprise move, Boris Johnson has cut the ties with two of his most successful speechwriters, Bill and Ben, otherwise known as The Flower Pot Men.
The cult children’s television stars made a successful transition to political speechwriting in the early 2000’s, as the royalties from the original TV shows started to dry up, and the show cast younger, more dynamic ‘pot men in their stead.
Since then, they have successfully worked with a number of MP’s on both sides of the House, culminating in an exclusive 10-year deal with Boris Johnson in 2015. This deal was abruptly cancelled earlier this week, for no obvious reason.
The duo have levelled furious accusations at the PM claiming he has shamelessly plagiarised the Flower Pot Men’s style, and made it his own.
An agitated Bill, strings visibly quivering with indignation, made the following statement –
“Flob-flobble-flob-a-flob-a-dob-flob-flobblemop-mob-mob-obble-pobble, flob-obba-flobble, flobba-mob-a-flobble-bobble-flob. Flob-plobble-nob-a-flob. Flobobble !”
“Flob-flobba-flob-flob-flobble-flob-flobble” added Ben, shaking his head slightly in the curious manner of marionettes everywhere, “flobababpaplap bobble flop”
“Flobba-flob-dob-a-flobba-flob-Pfeffel-peffle-flob-lob-a-dob” continued an angry Bill
“Knob” confirmed an irate Ben
Categories: Fake News
Queen prefers Soviet national anthem to ours, says Palace insider
According to a royal insider, Her Majesty, The Queen is an avid fan of the Russian national anthem and has been in talks with the government to have it adopted as the anthem of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in place of, God Save The Queen, that Her Majesty has often described to friends and family as ‘A bloody awful dirge’
The Queen apparently considers the Russian anthem, ‘Госудáрственный гимн Росси́йской Федерáции’, ‘nice and catchy’ and has been seen at international events, including, the soccer World Cup and the London 2012 Olympics, humming and tapping her foot whenever it is played.
It is widely believed that The Queen has always hated the British anthem and has stubbornly refused to learn the words, citing the fact that she never has to sing it herself.
A spokesman at the Russian Embassy in London told us: “We don’t blame The Queen for disliking her own national anthem. It’s far too slow and downbeat and the lyrics are an absolute joke, apart from the bit about scattering your enemies, which we’re all in favour of.
“I doubt if President Putin would let her use ours though. He’s very proud of it and often sings it in the bathroom after Russia has been involved in provocative behaviour internationally, like sending fighter jets into NATO airspace and stuff like that”
The Queen’s father, King George VI, was also believed to have harboured an intense dislike of the anthem and was once seen mouthing the words: “Oh for f*ck’s sake, not this again” as the band struck up the opening bars during a state visit to The Virgin Islands in 1946.
Categories: Fake News
Latin phrases in the modern idiom
A short Newsbiscuit guide to encourage students to enjoy Latin:
Ars longa vita brevis: Your bum looks big in those shorts.
E Pluribus unum: he only has one ball.
Et al: Scoffed the lot.
Mobile vulgus: swearing down the phone.
Ultra vires: Covid-19.
Fiat lux: pimped car.
Confiteor: more comfortable.
Ignis fatuus: light your farts.
Extempore: in full-time work
Ad hoc: Try this German wine.
Alibi: Somewhere to pull over in an A-Road
Bona fide: Not a Sémillon
Per se: Grainger
Pro bono: U2 fan
Quod erat demonstrandum: This is how you ride a Four-wheeled motor bike
Verbatim: He was eaten by a verb
Vice versa: Smoking roll-up spliffs made with pages ripped out of old poetry books.
Ehu fugaces – lost those car keys again.
Tempus fugit – time to f*@k off
Nil Satis Nisi Optimum – Still goalless after 90 minutes
Audere est facere – Audrey is farcical
Victoria concordia crescit – Peace in our time
Superbia in Proelio – Put up with the proles
Ludere Causa Ludendi – Only if the cause is ludicrous
Caveat emptor – my 1990s Vauxhall has run out of petrol
Veni, vidi, vici: Oh balls, you know, the Italian place with all the canals
A posteriori: An Apple e-bottom
Ab absurdo: Really tight six-pack
Ad nauseam: Buy Gaviscon today
Alter ego: The Pope
Camera obscura: “Has anyone seen my Nikon?”
Cum laude: Noisy neighbours
Ecce homo: “Hello, I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy”
Ex cathedra: Notre Dame
Ex officio: Matt Hancock
In absentia: Boris Johnson
Sic semper tyrannis – Look! Dinosaur vomit!
Astra inclinant, sed non obligant – My Vauxhall has a flat tyre and can’t move
Extrema ratio – 7349275625/451610727649836
Fac simile – Don’t f*@ing grin at me
Nemo malus felix – Cat ate the annoying fish
Obit anis, abit onus – Rimming with false teeth
Arte et Labore : The beautiful game combined with earnest endeavour, only available at Blackburn Rovers
Alias dictus: Nigel Farage’s logon name.
Argumentum ad absurdum: GB News interview.
Facile princeps: Harry Windsor.
Pro forma: ex sportsman.
Vade mecum: watch me have an orgasm.
Vivat rex: Got to get my dog to the vet, asap.
In loco, parentis: My Dad is a train driver
Lux in Domino: Who the Hell ordered soap as a pizza topping?
Sic transit gloria: get out of the van as soon as I stop in the next lay by
Ad nauseum: Feel a bit better now
Quo vadis – their latest protest song about football regulation, usual 3 chords
In loco parentis: Mum and dad have gone bonkers
Inter alia: I like sci fi creatures.
Cui bono – trying to attract the attention of U2
Cum laude – noisy sex
Et tu Brute – Your aftershave is too strong
Quid pro quo – I’ll give you a pound for that 80s rock album
Nemo me impune lacessit – Finding Nemo
Inter alia – football club in serie B
Ars gratia artis – great arses in paintings
Prima facie: Wearing heavy makeup.
Non sequitur: French horse refuses fence
Inter alia: Alia is the one for me
Carpe diem: it’s a dead fish
Ergo: she popped out to the toilet
Cogito ergo sum: I think that’s the 2nd time she popped out to the toilet
Status quo: the band hasn’t broken up yet
Verbatim: “Come on Tim !”
Pedem refero – I need to find a podiatrist
Lockjaw54, Al Opecia, granger, Max Stars, SteveB, Sinnick, Midfield Diamond, Nickb, stewartbarclay, Robowurzel.
Categories: Fake News
Benedict Cumberbatch ‘magnificent’ as Bloke in Tesco
Benedict Cumberbatch has blown away the critics after a ‘magnificent, power-house performance’ at the Brent Cross Hendon Way Tesco Superstore in Cricklewood last night. The Sherlock star, already receiving plaudits for his role as Hamlet at the Barbican Theatre, was praised for his thirty-five minute ‘tour-de-force’, in which he grappled with the gritty role of ‘Man Shopping in Tesco’.
‘His was a multifaceted performance,’ wrote The Telegraph’s Dominic Cavendish. ‘On the surface an ordinary man browsing the magazine section, but with shades of the Danish Prince as he struggled to choose between The Angling Times and Fly Fishing Illustrated – his portrayal of the inner conflict lifting to a crescendo after taking a sly glance at FHM’s Lucy Pinder on the top shelf.’
‘I always knew he had it in him,’ said Sherlock co-star Mark Gatiss. ‘Nobody else can accidentally knock over a box of Shredded Wheat with such intensity and put it back, seemingly at random, with the Frosties – the symbolism really takes one’s breath away. Anyone in that packed audience can be honoured to have witnessed an historic moment in the history of theatre – made even more memorable by a really good BOGOF deal on Lynx deodorants – Africa, Excite and Lynx Sensitive.’
Michael Billington of The Guardian was equally impressed, giving Cumberbatch full marks for his efforts: ‘The arrogant, self-assured Cavalry officer from War Horse was convincingly metamorphosed into some bloke wandering the dairy aisle,’ he wrote, praising the actor for taking the role into ‘unexpected corners of the Human psyche.’
He continued: ‘In a poignant scene, Cumberbatch’s character is confronted by an elderly lady blocking the yoghurt section, looking at the use-by dates on some Muller Light multi-packs. Lesser performers would have merely tutted, or boorishly tried to edge in, but Cumberbatch confounded all expectations by wandering off to get some cottage cheese, before returning to the now vacant spot a minute later to extract a carton of Yakult. You could have heard a pin drop.’
However not everyone was so enchanted by the Imitation Game Oscar Nominee. The Independent’s Paul Taylor called it a ‘rather mixed affair’ in his three-star review: ‘Make no mistake – Cumberbatch’s Tesco Shopper marks him out as Britain’s leading theatrical light, but where his enigmatic persona dazzled as his fungal foot powder was run through the till, and his stuffing of the petrol vouchers into his wallet brought tears to the eye, a lacklustre car-parking scene put something of a tarnish on the brilliance.
‘Taking the last parent-and-child space and making me walk an extra ten metres? Come on Benedict, you’re better than that’, he added.
Image: eborr/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Education Minister proposes adding spells to national curriculum.
Harry Potter Spells are to be taught at state schools across England in an effort to counter the subject’s reputation as one that is “elitist” and largely taught at private Magical schools.
A £14m Department for Education (DfE) scheme will initially be sprinkled over across 40 schools as part of a four-year pilot programme for 11- to 16-year-olds starting in September 2022.
According to a British Council survey, Harry Potter Spells are taught at key stage three in less than 3% of state schools, compared with 49% of independent schools.
The education secretary, Gavin Williamson, said: “We know Spells have a reputation as an elitist subject which is only reserved for the privileged few. But the subject can bring so many benefits to young people, so I want to put an end to that divide.”
He added that there should be “no difference in what pupils learn at state schools and independent schools”, adding: “Which is why we have a relentless focus on raising school standards and ensuring all pupils study a broad, ambitious curriculum.”
Spells, Williamson said, can help students with learning languages and other fictitious subjects such as Finance, Postmodernism and Latin.
As well as language teaching, the Spells Excellence Programme will also include visits to Magical heritage sites to provide pupils with a greater understanding of Wiccan and the ancient world, the DfE said.
It is hoped that it will increase the number of students taking Magic at GCSE, and introduce Magical Thinking to the national political debate.
Categories: Fake News
Hopes fading for Kabul Wetherspoons
As the Taliban enter Kabul the future looks bleak for the city’s sole Wetherspoons outlet. ‘The Rory Stewart’, opened to great fanfare in 2011, was previously seen as major step forward in the rebuild of Afghanistan.
‘The post conflict hell of downtown Kabul seemed the ideal place to open a new pub’, explained bouffanted, modern day workhouse owner and Spoons boss Tim Martin, ‘In fact it seemed a little bit upmarket. But we felt that a combination of cheep booze, fruit machines and disgusting carpets was exactly what the poor Afghans needed as they attempted to rebuild their shattered lives.’
‘We don’t quite know what the situation is as we’re struggling to get any information out of there at the moment, but as a precaution we’ve already stopped paying our staff’
Despite the uncertainty it is thought the Taliban will inevitably close down the pub, as a spokesman for leader Hibatullah Akhundzada explained ‘His excellency will not tolerate such decadent, western infidel establishments. Besides, he’s much more of a Yate’s Wine Lodge kind of guy’.
Categories: Fake News
Deaths from lightning strikes while on the phone rebound since PPI calls stopped
The number of people being struck by lightning while on landline phones at home has skyrocketed. During the PPI years, most people who still had landlines got fed up of answering calls urging them to make Personal Payment Insurance claims. Many simply stopped answering the phone. But now that such calls have declined, the number of people using their landlines again is on the increase, leading to more people being fried through their receivers.
The issue is not so much that more people are snuffing it this way, more that few people knew it was a thing in the first place. Roger Payne from Crewe said, “Sure, dad always said to unplug the TV from the aerial socket during a thunderstorm. But he didn’t say ‘owt about not getting on the blower and asking your mate across town if lightning was striking them ‘n all. What the bollocks?”
A small number of clever clogs claim they always knew about Faraday cages, insulating footwear, and earthing. And not the earthing where weird perverts dig little holes in the ground and f@*k them. Like all golfers do. But an even smaller fraction of those people also knew that going to the toilet during a thunderstorm is only advisable if you don’t mind a million volts up the anus. That goes for any water-adjacent activity in bathrooms and kitchens.
When out and about away from the home, however, toilets can be a place of refuge and protection. As every tediously experienced golfer knows, ‘Any portaloo in a storm.’ Although, that is regardless of the weather.
Categories: Fake News
Not so much Churchill as Chaplin: PM’s self-styled delusions lambasted
Cries of “where’s Boris?” are ringing out across the land, as the self-styled latter-day Churchill is once again conspicuous by his absence, leading many commentators to heap scorn on the hapless PM’s attempts to handle a worsening health crisis.
“What? Boris is like a latter day Churchill? Do me a favour. Don’t you actually mean Charlie Chaplin?” guffawed one senior TV political correspondent.
However, a source close to No. 10, who wished to remain anonymous, insists Mr. Johnson’s absence form the public stage is little more than a cynical stage-managed PR operation to keep him hidden from public view.
He told us: ‘Quite frankly its been decided behind closed doors that they daren’t let Boris loose again. He’s a complete liability.
‘I know the Downing Street internal press department has already moved heaven and earth to suppress one farcical incident at a gardening implements manufacturer. Ironically, refusing PPE, after quipping “what could possibly go wrong?”, bungling Boris immediately became entangled in a vicious accident loop after stepping between two rakes.
‘He was repeatedly smacked in the face and the back of his head by the handles for a full five minutes as he tottered back and forth, before an aide came to his rescue. I kid you not. You should see the video. priceless.
‘What’s more, extensive risk and gaffe modelling, carried out by a firm of slapstick experts, suggest it would only be a matter of time before his trousers fall down during some important state occasion.’
Categories: Fake News
Woman forgets to tell strangers she is vegan
Sandra Harris, 47, of West Bromwich has told of the shame and embarrassment she feels after not telling strangers she was vegan.
The incident occurred on the 10:26 train from Birmingham to Kings Cross on Thursday morning. The strangers, Kevin and Julie Young, were sitting opposite Ms Harris for the whole journey and not once did she give herself away or even preach at them.
‘In a way, we feel cheated,’ said Kevin. ‘She wasn’t dressed like a hippy. She didn’t smell. She didn’t tut or lecture us, not even when I offered her one of my Galaxy Minstrels. She just smiled and said, no thanks.’
Julie, told our reporter: ‘I can’t believe it. I even had a leather handbag. She was so nice. What’s all that about? I mean, who does she think she is?’
A press release from the Vegan Society said that they were ‘a little disappointed’ by the actions of Ms Harris, but told us: ‘there is no rule that we always have to annoy people in public.’ Ms Harris had an altercation with a Costa Coffee employee at the station about soy milk to make up for it, but the damage had already been done.
Categories: Fake News
