Fake News
TV first as pathologist gives precise time of death
A pathologist in a TV detective series has, for the first time ever, given an absolutely precise time of death for a victim when asked at the crime scene by a pushy detective, it emerged today. The news come after nearly 10,000 episodes of dramas in which the pathologist, busying himself looking over a body, and obviously irritated by people contaminating his crime scene, has, when asked the question ‘Do we know the time of death yet?’, responded with ‘It’s far too early to tell, I’ll know more back at the lab.’
‘Dead easy this one’, said Richard McBride, a chirpy pathologist, within three minutes of the opening episode of Waking Vera’s Witness on ITV. ‘Checked body temperature, compared to norms for someone this size and age, factored in the outside temperature. Oh and he was watching the football on his phone and when he fell over after being hit on the head by someone, his body must have accidentally pressed a screenshot saying 8.26 p.m. So, time of death was 8.26 p.m.’
When asked about the cause of death, McBride was equally emphatic. ‘Definitely that hammer over there’, he said, triumphantly pointing at the blunt-ended instrument protruding from some undergrowth. ‘Look, there’s a big hammer type wound on his head, and, well, the hammer is right there with some blood on it, so I’m calling it, ok. Anything else you guys need?’
McBride confirmed that no, he didn’t need to run toxicology reports that would take two days to come back and reveal some anomalies, nor did he need to look under fingernails for signs of a fight, or check for any pre-existing conditions that might cause the victim to fall over after being dizzy and cast some doubt on the obvious explanation about 40 minutes into the show.
‘Right, if you pick him up by the legs, I’ll get his arms and we can take him back in your Landrover to save time’, said McBride to the DCI. ‘Pick up that hammer and chuck it in your boot too, will you? I’ve pinged over my report to you already. God, let’s get out of here, I’m going to throw up otherwise. I hate the sight of blood, don’t you?’.
Categories: Fake News
Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired using Lorraine Kelly’s discarded knickers
There was an early Christmas present for the long-suffering residents of Hammersmith and Fulham earlier today, when the council announced that the stricken Hammersmith Bridge, which has been closed to all traffic due to structural compromises since 2018, is to be restored to its former glory by shoring up the huge cracks that have appeared in the structure with over a thousand pairs of knickers discarded into the Thames by morning TV legend and Hammersmith resident, Lorraine Kelly.
A recent dredging of the Thames at nearby Putney uncovered over a tonne of Kelly’s undergarments which she has been throwing from the bridge on a daily basis since the late 1990s rather than having to go through the process of washing them and putting them in the tumble dryer.
An enterprising civil engineer has hit upon the idea of forcing the sodden knickers into the cracks on Hammersmith Bridge before drying them off with a hairdryer until they take on the structural properties of reinforced concrete.
A delighted Kelly told newsmen: ‘This is wonderful news for the people of Hammersmith and a real boost for me and my dog, Archie, to know that my worn undercrackers are being used to improve the lives of the local people who have suffered for so long, the puir wee things. And my dog, Archie, is very happy about that. Did I mention I’ve got a dog called Archie?’
Just three years ago a pair of outsize Y-Front Jockey underpants donated by roly-poly TV presenter, Eammon Holmes were used to provide a temporary road bridge across the River Severn during construction work on the supports of the iconic bridge structure.
Categories: Fake News
Cost of knighthood ‘way beyond means of average crook on the make’
The Bank of England has expressed concern that cost of knighthoods has risen beyond the reach of the ordinary corrupt, egotistical, rich bastard in the street. The Governor, Sir Sir Sir Sir Sir Andrew Bailey, explained: ‘Forty years ago, being an MP was enough to be guaranteed a knighthood; 30 years ago, 300k would get it, but nowadays, being a rich, stupid person isn’t enough. You have to be a stupidly rich, rich person and donate a couple of million.’
Asked asked why he hadn’t received a knighthood, Prime Minister Boris Johnson (no, really) replied: ‘Ah, well, when I was told how much it cost, I asked a donor to pay for it, then he ended getting it.’
Categories: Fake News
Urgent recall announced due to electrical fault in 8.2 million deadly Cheerios
Owners of Cheerios have been urged to contact their Weetabix dealers as soon as possible, due to a serious fault discovered across the entire range of models manufactured by Nestle. A faulty electrical component key to Cheerio functionality has been discovered which can cause individual rings to explode. Owners are strongly advised to check all of the locations where they may have a Weetabix parked, and return even very old models from many years ago.
Supermarket own brand knock-offs are not affected, although customers might have trouble spotting the differences. Those who need to use their Cheerios urgently, even in emergency situations, are advised to switch to full-sized Shredded Wheat where possible, though on no account should they try to eat three. Those concerned that they are hearing snaps, crackles and pops should not be alarmed, as that is normal for other Weetabix alternatives.
Categories: Fake News
Don’t trigger Article 50 on my account, says Trigger
Trigger, the affable roadsweeper and Nags Head regular from Only Fools and Horses, has distanced himself from the Brexit negotiations after expressing his frustration with the almost incessant media references to Article 50 being ‘triggered’.
‘I’m fed up with it, Dave,’ Trigger told Times journalist Rodney Williams. ‘If they think the whole Brexit agenda is a busted flush, they should say so. Article 50 and constitutional crises are the only things I’m compared to. It’s offensive and I’m not trigger-happy.’
The idea of Article 50 being triggered was initially designed to conjure up an image of David Cameron and George Osborne standing at the Commons bar on the eve of the Brexit vote, with Cameron whispering ‘Play it cool son, I think we’re in here’, before falling away into oblivion. However, the outcome is now said to be more reminiscent of the chandelier scene.
chrisf
Categories: Fake News
Union Jack ‘must fly outside every house in the UK’
As its inexorable skew to the Right intensifies at breakneck speed, news has emerged that, should he be returned as Prime Minister following the much-touted imminent general election, one of the first steps a new Boris Johnson administration will take will be to pass a law making it mandatory for the erection of a flagpole and Union Jack at every household across the land.
Details are sketchy at the moment but it’s understood that each morning at sunrise, and then again at sunset, a new Government Broadcasting Corporation, formed to replace the BBC, will play a medley of The Dambusters March, Rule Britannia and Land of Hope and Glory through a newly constructed national network of street klaxons.
During the broadcast the householder and his or her family will conduct “a solemn and respectful ceremony to honour our most glorious Empire.” Failure to comply will see the entire family rounded up and deported to one of six large internment camps to be constructed just outside Scunthorpe.
Billericay costermonger and staunch Brexit supporter, Barry Shite, a man with an IQ of less than 70 welcomes the move. ‘This is facking great nooze and long overdue too, mate. It’s about time we stood up and was counted.’
‘We once ruled the world and we are going to rule it again. Here, pal… would you like a bendy banana before you go?’
Categories: Fake News
Rashford not sure which white cabinet minister he spoke to
Footballer Marcus Rashford has allegedly revealed to friends that he’s no longer sure if he had a Zoom meeting with Gavin Williamson or Dominic Raab. A spokesperson for the England international said ‘It’s pretty weird that guaranteeing poor kids have enough food to eat is such a long conversation. The problem is Marcus can’t remember which white middle-aged Dickensian villain masquerading as a cabinet minister, that he spoke to.’
Political commentator Marianne Morrison attempted to solve the conundrum, saying: ‘It probably wasn’t Raab, he doesn’t really do phone calls. The talent vacuum that is Gavin Williamson? His energy is ex-TA and constantly going on about it. Williamson becoming Secretary of State for Education gives hope to all the divorced dads out there, desperately trying to impress the children of their new, younger partner. There’s a limited number of times that making your thumb disappear is going to cut it, best get that tarantula back in the game.’
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the embattled Education Secretary confirmed that all ‘bleeding heart liberals’ looked the same to him. ‘Besides, football, rugby, what’s the difference? Neither is cricket, correct?’
The awkwardness of the moment was not dispelled when Williamson also claimed that Gandalf and Dumbledore were one and the same, while Jedward was only one guy. He went on to say over-weight women were just pregnant and that Samuel L Jackson was in The Matrix. The aide explained: ‘The important thing is that all starving school children look the same to Mr Williamson – expendable’.
Hat tip Wrenfoe
Categories: Fake News
Tories: ‘Burn down country, claim National Insurance money’
National Insurance contributions are being increased, in a move likely to be popular with Conservatives, as it disproportionately targets the young and lower earners, two groups least able to pay and who would be insufficiently targeted by tax rises. Tax rises are triggering for Tories as they can lead to wealthier people paying more and even election defeats. Cries of ‘Oh yeah, stick it in my veins’ could clearly be heard emerging from 1922 Committee types all over Westminster.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst snorted: ‘An essential piece of Johnsonian disaster capitalism is that you need to cause as many disasters as possible. This Tory government is doing its best to burn the country to the ground so that we can claim National Insurance money. That’s how it works, right? Increased social care? No, that doesn’t sound very ‘on-brand’ for us.’
Categories: Fake News
City of London promises to re-wild itself
Jeremy Bayer, leader of the City of London Council, has declared to a shocked Zoom audience (some of whom were awake) that in order to achieve net zero it will be necessary to stop all flood defence activity. With the aid of rising sea levels he expected the whole area to regenerate very quickly providing a colossal bonus in salary for himself as government carbon reduction targets were exceeded.
‘No one lives here anymore anyway’ he said. ‘The city is like a doughnut, all the best bits are on the outside’. Other benefits include a huge reduction in road rage incidents due to the new mud and peat bogs, elimination of knife crime as the blades rust away and wailing sirens replaced by the haunting cry of the curlew above the windswept moor.
Image:Â PhoenixRisingStock/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
NATO allies agree to tut and shake heads at Russia
After Germany said that there was “unequivocal proof” that Alexei Navalny was poisoned with Novichok the members of NATO have unanimously agreed to tut and shake their heads at Russia in response.
The use of a military grade nerve agent in the poisoning of an opposition politician points strongly toward the involvement of the Russian state, and the tutting and shaking of heads of NATO countries represents the strongest action yet taken against Vladimir Putin’s regime.
A motion for even more drastic measures, that would have involved members rolling their eyes and muttering under their breath, was defeated in a second vote after being deemed too confrontational.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson condemned the latest attack as “outrageous”, before adding “The Russian government must now explain what happened to Mr Navalny. Once we receive that explanation, no matter how far-fetched it may be, we will accept it without question and apologise profusely to Mr Putin for wasting his time.”
“Maybe the German doctors have mistaken an allergic reaction for Novichok poisoning? Maybe it was them who poisoned him? Or maybe it was all the work of a mutant algorithm. You can have that one for free Vlad.”
While all of the NATO members have been united in their condemnation of the poisoning and their resolve to show mild disapproval toward Russia, Donald Trump has so far been very quiet on the issue.
It is understood this is because he has been checking with Pentagon chiefs whether the US has any Novichok of their own, has been searching on Google for “how to poison political opponents and get away with it”, and also looking into Joe Biden’s upcoming schedule.
Categories: Fake News
Channel 4 smashes world record for getting interviewees to blub
Channel 4 presenters and broadcasters have been honing their skills during the Paralympics and have perfected the rapid interviewee emotional collapse. Regardless of the circumstances and whether the person being interviewed is elated or suffering extreme distress, Channel 4 producers push their talent to the limits and refuse to cut away until those tears come a-flooding. Their tenacity has earned them a world beating 14 in a row, a total haul of 83 during the month, and a sub-two-second face melt, even accounting for the video link time delay to Japan.
Tear-inducing specialist anchor Cathy Newman has years of experience in getting people to well up, even if there is no apparent reason for them to do so.
‘I was speaking live on Channel 4 News to a middle-aged man from Lincoln who had grown the biggest carrot you have ever seen,’ she said. ‘He seemed in control and showed no overt signs of emotion, but I sensed there was a cry button I could press. I pushed him on the fact that a gardener in Cheshire had just grown a whopping parsnip that made his carrot look pathetic, and then repeatedly hit him with rapid-fire statements about his feeble prowess and obvious inadequacy. He folded like a popped bouncy castle and crumbled into a shoulder-shaking mess. 46 seconds flat. Get in. Cost Krishnan Guru-Murthy a monkey that did.’
Following her success in this field, Newman was put in charge of training the Channel 4 sports journalists on how to get Paralympians bawling within moments.
‘It’s been a punishing schedule, but Clare Balding mastered the art of picking up on the slightest voice crack. She’s a natural. She could pull it off regardless of whether it was an imperious victory or a crushing defeat. Add to that the pressure heaped on athletes that we might spring their families on them via a live link at any moment … well that meant even the lovely Lee McKenzie managed to get the most emotionally stable Paralympians to bawl like fountains. And no one had to threaten anyone with having Jon Snow shriek “Cry, you bitch!” at them.’
Categories: Fake News
What to do in a ‘bag for life or death’ situation
Shopper Karolina Krychowiak has accidentally used a Sainsbury’s bag for life at a branch of Tesco, breaking the supermarket honour code. ‘As a Polish woman, I’m depressingly familiar with getting looks from racists, but when I got that orange bag out for my meal deal, it was like when the masked gunslinger bursts through the saloon doors and the piano player stops. Luckily I used the self-service till otherwise things might have got tasty, unlike my meal deal,’ she confirmed.
A Tesco source said ‘This kind of provocation will not stand. We will find her and we will cut her food bills by 5%.’
Youssef Younis said ‘As a British Asian I’m depressingly familiar with getting looks from racists but pulling out a Waitrose bag in Aldi felt like I’d deliberately attracted the attention of a crowd of zombies to tear me limb from limb.’
Aldi’s middle aisle sometimes sells an undead uprising survival kit. An Aldi spokesman shuffled forward, murmuring ‘Braaaaiins’.
Categories: Fake News
Covid welcomes relaxation of restrictions on Covid
In a prepared statement, coronavirus has spoke of his relief to be getting out and about after the restrictions on movement were lifted: ‘It’s been a long tough summer. And I haven’t been able to attend as many festivals as I hoped. Vaccines? Well, I’d be lying if I said they made me feel a bit unwelcome. But clearly the relaxed protections mean you missed me all along.’
‘I’m pleased they’ve removed Covid precautions at schools. It’s just great to see all those smiling – maskless – faces. Next, let’s get rid of all that boring hand-washing, okay? I’m particularly grateful to all those businesses that insisted their staff should be onsite – you’ve definitely got your priorities right. I’m just happy to be visiting relatives … your relatives, their relatives, anyone’s relatives really. I’m just a people person.’
Categories: Fake News
Premier League to become giant game of table football
Preparing for the possibility of a second wave of COVID 19, the Premier League has drawn up plans to allow players to remain socially distant on the pitch, by lining them up in rows of three and four, skewering them with a metal pole, and then having them repeatedly spun through 360 degrees towards the ball from the sidelines.
‘It will also be a completely immersive experience for the fans’ explained Premier League chief Richard Masters ‘In the grand tradition of table football, each team will be controlled by a drunken, deluded student who earnestly believes that winning the game will gain him unlimited access to the pants of any girl watching.’
It’s understood that the Premier League evaluated a number of possible options. One official explained ‘Our initial idea was to create a giant game of blow football, but the sheer volume of spittle generated would have been inappropriate in the current climate.’
‘Then we thought about glueing each player to a semi circular base and have fans flick them towards the ball. Unfortunately during a trial run, Harry Kane got trodden on and someone’s dog ate Jamie Vardy so we went with the table football plan instead’
Other sports are also understood to be following suit. Contractors are believed to be digging two enormous grooves into the track at Monza in advance of next week’s Italian Grand Prix. The cars can then be controlled from the pitlane with a sort of mini hairdryer shaped thing before flying off the track and falling to bits at the very first corner.
Categories: Fake News
Afghans call in US airlift for colicky Labrador as Taliban mortar rounds land
Afghan villagers, surrounded and under heavy fire from Taliban extremists, were delighted to hear the steady thrumb of a US Apache helicopter growing ever louder. The noise meant their desperate calls for help had been heard; that someone out there cared, and a heroic rescue mission was in place. The village chief hurried to the cellar of the one stone building, the safest place now that mortar shells were detonating and blasting shrapnel through huddles of women and children.
He dragged the sandbags aside to enter the dark cellar, calling to those gathered within to prepare Snoop for evacuation. Snoop heard his voice, his understanding of the situation evident as he beat the floor with his tail, ears pricked with joy. It had been a tough few days for Snoop; whatever he’d scavenged from the bins behind the school clearly hadn’t agreed with him in a big way – first the retching, then the vomiting, and for the last two days some really evil smelling diarrhoea had left him feeling right off his usual dog biscuits and seriously reluctant to go on anything like his normal walks.
Obviously the whole village were desperately anxious as his motions stubbornly refused to normalise, and he even turned his nose up at some dilute Bovril. Tummy upsets like this became much harder to shake off once Labradors reached advanced years, like the 15-year-old Snoop.
Sturdy, brave tribesmen gathered, resolute and determined, to raise Snoop’s dog crate on a stretcher and race through the falling heavy ordnance to the dusty clearing where the US chopper was screaming in to land. Barely had the landing skids touched the floor they sprinted out with Snoop and bundled his crate aboard into its hold (where, of course, people cannot go). Mere seconds after landing, it lifted off again, the rescue complete; the Afghan villagers all followed its path towards the horizon with tear stained eyes – though they knew that their chances of survival at the hands of the brutal Taliban warlords were negligible, at least Snoop would be in safe hands and that, of course, was the main thing.
Categories: Fake News
Convicted terrorist takes precaution of being white
A Nazi sympathiser who has been convicted of possessing bomb-making instructions and a wealth of racist literature has been sentenced to a severe tutting at Leicester Crown Court. In a savage gesture, the judge was seen to wag his finger at the defendant for several seconds, while sucking on his teeth before suggesting that the defendant engaged in some light reading to think about the naughty things he had done.
Among the suggested classics he may have to read are Dickens, Austen, Hardy and Trollope, who are are all known for including characters of colour and themes of racial reconciliation. One local student said: ‘I have to read Dickens and Austen for my English GCSE. Are you saying I could have got the same punishment for promoting racial hatred and building IEDs?’
Categories: Fake News
Chanel gives up Number 5 for Cristiano Ronaldo
Manchester United forward Edinson Cavani has relinquished the number 7 on the back of his football shirt so that people can recognise the otherwise unrecognisable Cristiano Ronaldo. Without the number 7 beneath the name Ronaldo on his back, many feared they might mistake the world famous Portuguese international footballer for someone else. Thanks to the selfless and heroic gesture by Cavani, any possibility of CR7 brand recognition failure is now limited to Thornton Heath near Croydon.
Inspired by Cavani’s generosity and Boots offering to give up number 7 as well, smelly women-maskers Chanel have now offered the prestigious number 5 to Ronaldo. This has led to a domino effect of numbers being given to the sporting superstar, who many assumed to be suffering from a dangerous digit deficiency. An unnamed mobile phone network has offered the number 3, and toddlers going potty have said that Cristiano can have as many number 2s as he likes. A bitter dispute has escalated between sudoku and the emergency services telephone number over who gets to gift the number 9. But the Redhill to Guildford bus route is certain that Ronaldo will be more impressed with the number 32 than any other digits being handed to him.
Categories: Fake News
Government to introduce new quarantine randomiser
In an attempt to simplify the current quarantine shambles, Westminster has taken the step of abandoning the national definitions, replacing it with an arbitrarily applied quarantine “sentence” at point of entry into the UK. Each individual arriving in the country will be required to spin the Wheel of Misfortune to determine what – if any – isolation action they should undertake, regardless of where their journey started, tell-tale symptoms or CV test results.
“It makes all the administration so much easier” said a government spokesman “We no longer have to track all those troublesome statistics or face the damaging effect on our approval rating of cancelling yet another air-bridge at ridiculously short notice”. When queried about the arbitrary nature of this new policy, he indicated that ‘extensive research’ from the PMs advisors showed that in the long term, the nett effect on the country would be ‘more or less’ minimal, probably.
Under the new scheme, there will be winners and losers : Ahmed, a 31 year old teenage refugee from Libya, freshly arrived at Wittering Sands, was ‘gutted’ to find that he would be facing two weeks isolation in a sea-front hotel in Rhyl : whereas Dave Oldham celebrated wife Karen’s ten-day quarantine in a migrant reception centre with a fist pump and cries of “back on the lash!”
Owners of the Wheel of Fortune game-show franchise are to sue HMG for breach of format and loss of earnings.
Categories: Fake News
