News Biscuit
Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cantâs passing
The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.
After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.
The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.
Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.
Categories: Fake News
Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cantâs passing
The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.
After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.
The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.
Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.
Categories: Fake News
Government insists all children hum the tune of The Dam Busters
On the 25th of June, the government has issued a dictate that all children sing ‘Strong Britain, Great nation, No ironyâ but to a medley of nationalistic tunes; including the tune from âAntiques Roadshowâ, âCoronation Streetâ and the sound of a deflating space hopper. Drawing influences from Grime (Darren Grimes that is), this stirring song will crescendo with Vera Lynn singing the theme music from the 70s TV show ‘Minder’
Teachers will be expected to use a state approved lesson about Britain’s colonial past, which conveniently forgets to mention we had one. In a stirring playground ceremony, children will salute the Union Jack and then promptly declare ownership of the school, while enslaving half their classmates.
In a haunting madrigal, children as young as five will re-enact the UK’s proudest movements, from the 1966 World Cup to Del Boy falling through the cocktail bar. These will be accompanied by a marching band playing The Prodigy’s âFirestarterâ and âRemember you’re a Womble’.
A spokeswoman for North Korea was critical of Boris Johnson’s crude propaganda tool: ‘At least our glorious leader has a plausible haircut’. Despite UK ministers insisted: ‘Small children singing patriotic songs, what’s not to like? It worked for Hitlerâ.
Categories: Fake News
Governmentâs Woke Department demolishes Somerset House as itâs not in Somerset
An official government LGBTQ person has announced that a famous neoclassical non-descript building overlooking the River Thames is to be torn down. It will be replaced by a farmers’ market and a large car park, exclusively for green EV tractors.
Activists have been lobbying the government for years, campaigning for an official apology from the Prime Minister and the payment of substantial reparations to Somerset.
âWe canât have a building named after Somerset when according to all known records and ordnance survey maps, itâs not even located in Somerset. It doesnât make any sense.’
‘We found it by accident when Frank’s Sat Nav on his Toyota Diesel Landcruiser started playing up as we drove through central London. He made the startling discovery that we were not Somerset, and not only that, nowhere near its borders. Apparently, itâs been this way since at least 1776. So the sooner we have this monstrously socially unjust Dickensian edifice torn down, the better.’
Asked where all the tenants of the building complex would be located, He/She/They/His/Her/Its/WTF, suggested Wokingham might not be a bad idea as they were pushing Boris to have the town replace London as the nations capital city.
Categories: Fake News
Tory planning system change will lead to new homes in flood zones
A radical blueprint put forward as a “once-in-a-generation reform” from the government has the aim of sweeping away “slow and complex” planning laws.
The shake-up, a central part of the prime minister’s “build, build, build” agenda, includes automatic planning approval for new homes on land earmarked for growth, however low-lying.
The revolution is published in a government consultation paper, Planning For The Future, pushed by Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick just weeks after he became embroiled in a planning row.
The changes come after record donations from housebuilders to Conservative Party funds. House building companies wil make up a large portion of the representatives on the planning boards. There are no plans to include climate scientists in those decisions.
A spokesman for a green campaign group said “We fear the plans will lead to new builds that have to be abandoned in just a few decades due to sea level rise. Some of the likely build zones are in extremely dangerous coastal areas, like for example Norfolk or London.”
The Labour Party have said they intend to sink this bill at the earliest opportunity.
Categories: Fake News
Dolphins âstop smiling the moment our back is turnedâ
New evidence from unmanned underwater cameras has proved that dolphins are only pretending to be friendly to humans and that the moment that our backs are turned, a sour and indignant expression returns to their faces.
The discovery, which will traumatise animal lovers the world over, was made when Californian marine biologist Mike Varney sensed that the smiling, chattering manner of dolphins and porpoises was somehow a little insincere. He set up a series of remote controlled underwater cameras to record ceteceans interacting with swimmers and divers and then filmed the same dolphins as they left their human companions.
âItâs fascinating,â said Varney. âAs the excited eco-tourists climb onto the boat, still thrilled at their real-life encounter with wild bottlenose dolphins, you can see the dolphins turn away and their cheerful expression suddenly changes. They looked really pissed off, and were sort of tutting and looking skywards. Itâs like they were saying âI AM SO BORED OF THIS!â
Varneyâs research has also demonstrated that their high-pitched animated chattering is also contrived and phoney. Amongst themselves, dolphins manage little more than an occasional indignant grunt, and often canât even bothered to reply to other family members.
This is the second major discovery by maverick naturalist Varney. Last year his remote controlled cameras discovered that gorillas are actually really smiley when they are left to themselves.
Categories: Fake News
Spain cancels annual balcony jumping championship
One of the worlds most popular Spanish speaking countries, Spain, has been forced to cancel one of its most lucrative and popular sporting events, due to covid reasons.
‘We need the imbecilic English to come back in their self-destructive droves’, said Alberto De Cosa, Assistant Manager at the main hosting stadium, the prestigious half-star Golden Palm hotel, next to the recycling incinerator plant in Marbella.’
‘There is a smattering of French, Italian and German contestants here, but a tournament without the current world champions is a bit pointless.’
Darren Fincher, the UK’s No.1, who took over from his brother Reggie following a dramatic pool miss incident last year, said he was absolutely gutted.
‘I’m absolutely gutted,’ said Darren. I’ve perfected the fifth-floor plunge into the main WC shaped swimming pool. So I was hoping to go one better with a sixth-floor triple somersault and synchronised belly flop through the glass roof of the restaurant and into a bucket of cold sick left over from the afternoon buffet.’
A spokesperson for UK sport said the government regretted imposing travel restrictions, even to this sporting event. ‘We deeply regret stopping people attending a world-renowned event which basically has no health and no safety. We completely understand that this makes it a popular event for elite English athletes. However, we’ve followed the science as always and concluded that balcony jumping is slightly more risky than the Covid Delta variant.
Categories: Fake News
WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead
Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their âGlobal Alcohol Action Planâ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandraâs local Wetherspoon.
A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine womenâs rights, just Sandraâs: âThe alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, itâs close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.â
Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: âWe were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn’t breedâ.
Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: âIâm just like Emily Pankhurst, Iâm fighting the patriarchy. Now, if youâll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing âNi**as in Parisâ.
Categories: Fake News
Law states people cannot be insulted if insult followed by smiley emoji
It is now illegal to take insult at anything which someone writes as long as it is immediately followed by a smiley face emoji.
The law has been introduced to allow individuals the freedom to be explicitly rude or nasty without the added drawback of someone taking insult.
Mike has been an online troll for years and has recently started sending unpleasant work emails too: ‘I love it, it makes me feel so big and powerful. But it’s always such a pain when there are repercussions, it’s not like the good old days where you could slag people off no end and you were held up as a hero. The woke brigade are on my back all the time, even for a bit of light hearted racism or sexism. But since the introduction of the Smiley Law it’s been a doddle. I sent Susan from finance an email this morning saying ‘shove it up your arse you pathetic witch âșïž’ but because I included the smiley emoji there is nothing she can do about it. It’s clearly meant in a nice way’.
Mike’s employer have said they plan to text him later to tell him he’s sacked followed by a laughing emoji to ensure he finds it hilariously funny.
Categories: Fake News
Man told to return to work despite losing ability to iron his own shirt
An angry office worker has been left speechless after his manager told him to return to work despite not being able to iron a shirt.
âThey told me to go back in this morning after only giving me a weeks notice. I havenât ironed a shirt, knotted a company tie or had a shave for that matter in ten weeks and theyâre not providing any training or support. Itâs appalling,” fumed Ian Duncan, 35.
“I picked up the iron last night. Itâs one of those fancy-dan anti-scale, anti-drip, multi-function jobs, but I couldnât find the stubborn creases setting on the dial. Then I completely forgot how to iron. Itâs a highly stressful situation. I mean, where do you start? Sleeves? Collar? Front or back?
I completely lost it to be honest. Iâm going to put the iron on its ‘temperature of molten lava’ setting, burn an iron shaped hole in the company shirt and send it to Malcolm. After that me and Sandra will take off for sunny Frinton.â
Categories: Fake News
Tories arrange spy swap â Bercow for Starmer
In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries â the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir âStarmerâ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.
The swap itself had many similarities to John le CarrĂ© fictionalized book âStinker Starmer Dozy Spyâ. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.
Explained one of Starmerâs handlers: âObviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.â
A friend of Bercow said: âJohn will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. heâll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of ironyâ.
Categories: Fake News
Thousand year Lib Dem reich âinevitableâ
A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.
A party spokesman said âWeâll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters⊠Lib Dem 4 life!â
Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.
âHis fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.â
All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.
Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said âIn 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose itâs the hope that kills you, unless itâs the flames, or that minibus.â
Categories: Fake News
Sarah Green bye-election win inspires kids of other TV stars
After 1980’s kids’ TV presenter, Sarah Green, won the Chesham and Amersham by election for the Lib Dems, with a resounding majority, Newsbiscuit has learned that other former children’s TV favourites are considering a career in politics.
A spokesperson for broom cupboard loiterer and squeaky hand puppet, Gordon the Gopher, told us that he intends to stand in the Scottish local elections this Autumn, while, we hear, the Krankies and Neil Buchanan are hoping to start their own Scottish independence party, The Fandabidozi Alliance.
They, of course, are not the first TV presenters to enter into a career in politics. Both Brian Waldren and Clement Freud had successful political and television careers and who can forget that time Live and Kicking funny men, Trev and Simon, tried to overthrow the fascist regime in Bolivia in the early 2000s?
Newly elected MP Sarah Green, told our reporter, “I’m not that Sarah Greene. It’s not even spelled the same way.”
Categories: Fake News
âEmergency Banter Generatorâ wheeled out for Englandâs next match
BBC Sport has revealed that they are taking the emergency measure of installing their back up ‘Banter Generator’ along with a fail safe Stereotyping machine, ahead of England’s tie with Germany.
The BBC’s technology infrastructure manager, Matthew Haddock, described the system in detail. âFor the past 44 years we’ve been archiving cliches, stereotypes and facts about Germany to be used at such events, although the project was started much earlier as an off-shoot of Bletchley Park. The Generators will ensure that when Lawro needs to say something about the Germans he won’t be lost for words. For example, by typing in the command ‘Steven Gerrard, Penalty box’ a phrase of âOh my, Steven Gerrard’s spending more time in the Germans’ box than Steve McQueen in The Great Escape. That film where we beat the Germans in the War that also ended with us beating the Germansâ.
The Generator famously broke down during the Euro ’96 match-up leaving John Motson completely stranded. He tried a few improvised lines such as âThe Germans are pushing through the Midfield like…like…like a tank of some sort. Probably a German one.â, and âThe German defence here just like it was in Iwo Jima back in 1957â. You can understand why we’re employing a backup this year.â
Categories: Fake News
Brits now stockpiling holidays in the UK
The cost of a good old British holiday is now so expensive that a house swap with the De Whistles at number 37 is the only economically viable option remaining.
Fuchsia Lipton from Guildford complained, “We really wanted to fly from Gatwick to Torquay with EasyJet. But a cockroach infested B&B with a shared toilet is now going for ÂŁ2,046 a night, and there’s a 2-week waiting list for cancellations. What the actual fuch? Are the cockroaches extra?”
Josh Lipton added, “We are convinced some people are stockpiling holidays just to stop others from getting in on the act. I mean, how can it be possible that the station hostelry in Crewe is fully booked right through the summer? No one in their right mind would actually want to stay there. Not even trainspotters like uncle Wilf.”
“So we started eyeing up our neighbours’ houses. The De Whistles have the only south-facing back garden in the close with a lean-to, so it was a no-brainer. We’re going to do a house swap with them in July.”
Leaning in, Fuchsia whispered, “They don’t actually know that, of course, so don’t tell anyone. They trusted us with their key to feed their kitties while they’re swanning off to the Travelodge at Reading services on the M4. But they kept referring to it as going on their holibobs, and you can’t let that shit slide. We’re just going to move in while they’re away.”
It was not made clear if the Liptons were husband and wife, or brother and sister.
Categories: Fake News
Driving test to include âdriving up motorway in wrong directionâ part
In an effort to bring the driving test up to date with life in the 21st century, it is to include a knuckle-whitening five miles up a major motorway against the traffic at rush hour.
“Let’s face it, it happens to us all some day”, a Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency spokesman announced. “The candidate will be expected to negotiate an average motorway with moderate to heavy traffic swerving out of their way in a blind panic. This will be followed by the standard three point turn”.
“I think I handled that part pretty well”, says 17-year-old Gareth Minster of Surrey, who took his test on Friday. “I just kept it cool, checking my rear view mirror every 20 seconds as you’re told to do. There was one scary moment when a 40-ton truck was coming straight at me with the driver too absorbed in his smartphone to see me. But I gave one polite tap on the horn and he swerved out of the way and ploughed into the median barrier at the last minute”.
“The worst part was when my mum came driving up the motorway just to wave at me”, he adds. “I wish she wouldn’t do that”.
Categories: Fake News
British travellers feeling compelled to tell everyone they meet they didnât vote for Brexit
A British family driving through Europe have had to extend their holiday to allow sufficient time to inform every single person they meet that they are not one of the xenophobic anti-European bigots who voted to leave the EU.
John Whitesmith, 43 from Reading said that he had explained to every waiter, hotel receptionist and petrol station attendant that although a majority of British voters may have opted to leave the EU, he certainly wasn’t one of them.
‘It’s been very awkward’ said the father of two. ‘The man who takes the tolls on the auto-route really didn’t seem to want to chat about it at all. He barely made eye-contact – he just took our change and raised the barrier. I felt like I had to make sure he wasn’t being offish with me because he thought I might have voted Leave. Then the cars behind started angrily tooting their horns, and I wondered if this was because they saw the GB sticker on our car and felt insulted that we no longer wanted to be part of their political and economic union. But none of them seemed to appreciate me walking along the line to explain to them either…’
The family’s journey through Belgium, Holland, France and Germany was originally scheduled for two weeks, but has been extended for another fortnight, to allow time for them to flag down fellow motorists to explain that they were not racists or xenophobes. ‘We told them everyone we met that we love Europe and the Europeans, and that we are tolerant and open-minded. I mean obviously we did it all in English. I don’t know why some of these bloody dagos can’t be bothered to learn the language.’
Categories: Fake News
In space, it turns out, everyone can hear you scream
“ARGHHHH! Which one of you bitches left a chocolate brownie finger smudge on my kale samples?”
Astronauts working at 320 miles above the Earth’s surface in oxygen controlled environments can hear each other perfectly clearly, it turns out. They can even hear the farty sounds emerging from ‘Pooh Corner’.
“Shit on it! I’ve just turned the release valve the wrong way.”
Even on a space walk, everyone is well mic’d up, and the rest of the crew are all too aware that you’ve just buggered up the mission, and possibly just ended their lives.
“Will you stop bouncing that powerball off the ceiling you annoying little shite.”
And the advanced radio systems beam back every last swear word, curse and ‘domestic’ spat to hundreds of people listening in at mission control.
“NOOOO! Not the red lever…”
But it doesn’t end there. TV broadcasts and live streams all over the world wide web ensure that potentially millions of people are listening in to your spacey soap opera expletives. The young children of Wheelock County Primary School just heard mission Commander Rogers scream his last breath as he was thwooped out of the spacelab hatch.
Now, finally, peace and quiet. No one has to listen to him bang on about how untidy the sleeping area is. Even though you can’t actually leave mess lying around in zero gravity.
Categories: Fake News
GB News becomes a credible alternative to NewsBiscuit
The competitive market of fake news has been blown wide open by the launch of GB News, under the slogan ‘If no one has heard of it, it must be trueâ. The gammon equivalent of âTISWASâ, GB sets out to prove once and for all, that the Earth is flat.
With an editorial slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, GB prides itself on maverick journalists, for whom a spell check is more vital than a fact check. It will be fronted Andrew Neil, who was turned down by The Onion for being too implausible and by The Beano, for having ridiculously drawn hair.
NewsBiscuit and GB will be competing for the same market share of gullible readers; with both media outlets unconcerned by their poor production value, ill-educated staff or lack of shame. Said our Editor: ‘We use more d$ck jokes, whereas they employ a more laughable collection of d$ckheads.’
Hat tip Sir Lupus
Categories: Fake News
Met Police behind rigged Eurovision voting system
After yet another enquiry finds the Metropolitan police institutionally corrupt/racist/violent (delete as applicable), it is feared they may have had a hand in other corruption; such as Las Vegas slot machines, Trumpâs tax returns and the reason your dish washer breaks down the day after its insurance has lapsed. It is hard to tell how widespread the malfeasance is, but what is clear is that âMrs Brownâs Boysâ could not have got three seasons, without significant police interference.
Commissioner Cressida Dick has come under fire and not just for having a name that sounds like a venereal disease from a Greek tragedy. In fact, complaints against the Met have become institutionally predictable, while the public have become institutionally jaded by the whole affair.
When not covering up murders, the Met Police like to unwind by bashing female protestors, kettling children or the odd extrajudicial shooting. Asked if the Met had been involved in the bank system or election rigging, a spokeswoman said: âWeâre crooked but not that crookedâ.
Categories: Fake News