News Biscuit
Government orders England to lose as it can’t afford to pay import duty on the trophy. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Militias form as PM says protecting Afghanistan is now ‘personal responsibility’
Militias are being formed across the country after Boris Johnson said UK troops are withdrawing from Afghanistan as the UK is once again moving from ‘government diktat to personal responsibility’. The Prime Minister confirmed that the final troops are returning home, saying it would be up to individuals if they wanted to take action to protect the Afghanistan people from a resurgent Taliban.
‘I expect the British people to act in a sensible way as it true to say that the danger is far from over in Afghanistan,’ Johnson said, ignoring suggestions that if the British people were capable of acting in a sensible way, he wouldn’t be the f*cking Prime Minister. ‘Some even say the Taliban is spreading faster and gaining more ground, but it is this government’s policy to put the onus on individuals for everything so that we can’t be blamed when it all goes wrong.’
Some members of the public are forming militias in their local pubs and workplaces in order to protect the troubled Central Asian nation from sliding into civil war again. ‘It’s just common sense, really,’ said an office worker from Yorkshire who once participated in a reenactment of the English Civil War battle of Marston Moor. ‘Besides, I’ve got annual leave to use up and I haven’t been on holiday for a couple of years so it’ll be nice to see a bit of sun! I’m double jabbed so I won’t have to quarantine when I’m back either.’
Others were against the government measures in the first place, saying that being forced to protect freedom is a violation of their freedom. ‘Throughout the past 20 years, I haven’t served in the British Army at all,’ one said. ‘And yet, I’m not under the rule of the Taliban and neother are any of my mates down the pub. It was all a ploy by the government to control us. Wake up, sheeple!’
Categories: Fake News
Trump sues NewsBiscuit for not writing about him
Donald Trump has included popular ‘news’ site NewsBiscuit in his lawsuit against Facebook, Twitter and Google, who he has accused of violating his freedom of speech. ‘Those guys, they used to write about a lot, I mean lot, pretty much daily,’ Trump told reporters. ‘It was great to see my name, I didn’t get the jokes but it was great, so great. But now, they don’t, they don’t ever write about me. And it’s bad, very bad. It’s so sad. Why aren’t they writing about me?’
A spokesperson for NewsBiscuit said: ‘We’ll write probably do a news in brief about the shit-flinging orange gibbon when he does something we can take the piss out of – oh wait a minute, you mean he’s opened his mouth again? Alright, give us ten minutes – one of us will come up with something.’
Categories: Fake News
Shapps wants hauliers to join government in being asleep at the wheel
A shortage in lorry drivers has kicked the world-beating UK government ideas engine into overdrive. The Grant Shapps blinky light going at two to the dozen knee-jerked: ‘If there are not enough lorry drivers, then we will just do what we are doing with doctors, nurses, teachers and everyone else: just make them work longer hours. Snoozy hauliers playing lamppost slalom dodgems on their way back from France is just the sort of thing Great Britain needs. Without that sense of danger on our British roads, the people just don’t enjoy driving. Not like they used to when all of us drunkards ruled the highways.’
‘With all of the deaths and maiming, at some point people will become too afraid to use the roads. Eventually, all drivers, cyclists and pedestrians will be dead, and the roads will be so quiet that we will be the world leaders in road safety. And at that point, we could do away with roads altogether and save the taxpayer billions. Now that’s why they pay me and Michael the big bucks.’
Categories: Fake News
Man who wiped his arse with Daily Mail claims he ‘caught’ xenophobia
A man from Reading who wiped his bum with the Daily Mail claims he has caught xenophobia as a result. Dave Phelps says he contracted the debilitating condition after wiping his arse on squares cut from the ‘newspaper’, that he’d hung from a bulldog clip in his toilet for an ironic dinner party joke.
‘We had some friends coming round,’ a rueful Dave explained ‘and for a lark I thought it might be fun. But next morning, feeling the worse for wear after three bottles of Chablis, I went to the loo and only realised I’d forgotten to change the paper back to our regular Waitrose triple-ply with Aloe Vera.
‘But of course by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and next door neighbour Bogdan, for no good whatsoever.’
‘Look, anyone thinking of doing what I did, don’t! Exposed bodily contact with The Daily Mail is so dangerous it makes Chernobyl fallout look like strawberries dusted with icing sugar.’
Professor Craig Lennox who is working to find a cure for Dave explained: ‘This was the perfect storm waiting to happen. After examining squares from the edition of the paper he used we found them to be particularly toxic.’
‘The front page was a story about a group of Eastern European plumbers working on the black economy, yet still claiming state benefits of over £50,000 pounds a week to help fund their ten-bedroomed mansions in Knightsbridge.’
‘Whilst another prominent article detailed how the two million illegal Muslim immigrants pouring into the country every week, plan to gain power then make it compulsory for every school in the land to ban the teaching of Christianity.’
‘I’m making every effort to find a cure for Mr. Phelps’ condition and I’ve put him on a course of wiping his arse with various periodicals in the hope of reversing his symptoms. We’re starting with The Express then moving through to the Telegraph and Sun until hopefully he is using Socialist Monthly like all normal people.’
hat tip to Tonymc81
Categories: Fake News
Calls for emergency Bank Holiday on Monday – Government to decide on Tuesday. More soon
Ragmans Trumpet
Categories: Fake News
Sweet Caroline quits England role after evidence emerges of hands touching hands. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Secret meetings frantically discuss Southgate tribute
Although Wednesday night’s plans to mint a special commemorative £2 coin have been put on hold until Sunday’s result is known, a more urgent decision is currently awaited regarding the proposed ennoblement of Gareth (or possibly Sir Gareth, if not Lord, Viscount or Baron Southgate, or perhaps even the Duke of Wembley) and whether that would be an adequate testament to his contribution to the wellbeing of the human race.
Sanctification, beatification or canonisation are felt by many to be a more fitting degree of elevation to a status above that of a mere human being for their hero. Clearly in the case of exceptional candidates like this, irksome requirements like being dead should be waived, at least until the England team have won a hat-trick of Euro as well as of World Cup wins. His performing of miracles, however, is obviously a simple matter of record, despite the tribulations of spending what felt like 40 days and 40 nights failing to score against Scotland.
Whilst not quite sitting on the right hand side of God – at least, not yet – Southgate would be ideally placed to act as team manager for Our Heavenly Father, advising on the best formation for His servants on Earth to play in, and what formation his saints should adopt. That way, with any luck, when it eventually comes to the Final Armageddon, Satan will be able to be defeated without the Lord’s Creation having to withstand a penalty shoot-out or even endure an eternity of extra time.
However, until England triumphs resoundingly on Sunday, Purgatory prevails. And if we lose, we can breathe a huge sigh of relief and get straight back to calling for the useless pile of donkey’s faeces to be sacked.
Categories: Fake News
Football’s coming Rome. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Matt Hancock: ‘I was already coming in the office twice a week’. More soon
Categories: Fake News
‘Literally’ apparently now means, literally, the exact opposite of ‘literally’. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Brewdog ‘made of actual dogs’
In a run of bad PR that would make Lucrezia Borgia blanch, independent brewer Brewdog has had to rebuff claims of false advertising, abusive work conditions and putting puppies into a cider press. It has been one bad news story after another, culminating in the allegation that they knowingly revealed the ending to ‘Game of Thrones’. Their catalogue of faux pas included killing Bambi’s mother, being mean to Stephen Fry and disrespecting a baby penguin.
One particular drink, ‘National Treasures’, is made from the alcoholic remains of some of the UKs most beloved citizens. Dame Judi Dench has been reduced to a light ale, while Alan Bennett is now a craft beer, flavoured with cream crackers and scones. A spokeswoman for the firm said: ‘We’ve had some challenging headlines, but I’m hoping we can put that all behind us, with our new range of Nazi Nonce beers.’
Categories: Fake News
Lamda variant ‘not an 80s dance craze’, WHO says
The World Health Organisation has responded to reports that people are confusing the Lamda Covid variant with the 1980s dance craze, the Lambada. A WHO spokesman said: ‘Lamda is a Covid mutation which originated in Peru, which may develop into something more serious. The Lambada is a harmless dance craze from the 1980s that originated in Brazil.’
When contacted for his opinion, Bruce Forsyth/Rob Brydon hybrid and Strictly shoe shuffler Anton Du Beke said: ‘I think it’s very irresponsible to say the Lambada is harmless. The music is very infectious and I caught a nasty case of Lambada fever in 1989, which made me strain my back very badly. I still get twinges even now when I have to bend down to tie my shoelaces.’
Reports that a new Covid variant called the Macarena has been discovered are unconfirmed.
Ragmans Trumpet
Categories: Fake News
Government recognises Cod War syndrome
After decades of campaigning from the former combatants in fisheries dispute with Iceland, the government has finally recognised the existence of Cod War Syndrome, and will pay compensation to those suffering from the condition.
For years neither the Ministry of Defence nor the Department of Fisheries and Food were willing to accept responsibility for the sense of apathy, depression and the vague fishy smell that surrounded those British trawlermen who had been involved in the 1970s fishing crisis. But medical opinion continued to harden about the symptoms having a direct connection to involvement in the brief stand-off over fishing quotas.
‘We are the forgotten warriors,’ said former fisherman Mike McLeish from Grimsby. ‘Sure the Battle of Britain pilots are all heroes, and the Falklands veterans have their medals and memorials. But when it comes to the Cod War, people imply it wasn’t so important or dangerous. It’s almost as if it they are saying it wasn’t a proper war.’
‘That’s exactly what we are saying’ said Defence minister Des Browne. ‘And we are only recognizing Cod War Syndrome to shut up this one nutter from Grimsby who has been badgering us for years. He’s a complete loser and he apparently blames it all on the trauma of a 1970s fishing crisis, so we thought we’d go along with it in the hope that he might just go away.’
Mr McLeish said he was not satisfied with his compensation payment of £25 and would be taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights. ‘I am also seeking an official apology on behalf of all the fish,’ he added. ‘They too have no memorial.’
Categories: Fake News
Whitty and Vallance jump ship to Saturday night on ITV
Following the lead of countless stars of light entertainment down the years, from Morecambe and Wise to Bruce Forsyth, Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance have left the BBC and signed a lucrative deal to host a new Saturday night prime-time entertain show for ITV. The pair have made their name co-hosting the government briefings on the BBC but, with Covid restrictions coming to an end, the commercial rival saw a chance to snap up the famous boffins.
‘Chris and Pat have been the real breakout stars of the whole pandemic,’ a spokesperson for ITV said. “They’ve captured the nation’s heart with their ability to deliver absolutely dreadful news and horrifying data but maintain a twinkle in their eye. They are undoubtedly TV’s top double act of the day.â€
One source at the channel said the scientific double act was being seen as the new Ant and Dec. ‘Those briefings were kind of their Byker Grove,’ he said. ‘Although, living through the pandemic wasn’t as terrible as having to watch an episode of that.’
BBC sources said that Aunty Been was not that concerned about losing two of its biggest stars. ‘Very few people have successfully made the switch from BBC to ITV,’ one said. ‘Besides we still own the copyright to their hugely popular ‘Next slide please’ catchphrase which is basically their entire act. And it was only a matter of time before Boris ditched them to go solo anyway.’
Categories: Fake News