News Biscuit
Man ‘stable’ after draining cooked pasta water down the sink
A Retford man is expected to make a full recovery, after accidentally draining his starchy cooked pasta water straight down the sink, instead of retaining it to mix in with his pasta sauce, it has been confirmed.
The incident occurred whilst Pete McBride, 45, was doing some ‘theatre cooking’, rustling up a cheeky penne with arrabiatta sauce, for himself, his wife and 2 daughters, whilst they sat at the kitchen table.
‘I don’t know how it happened’, confessed an upset McBride, after enduring a tense meal, punctuated only by quiet sobs from his 10 year old daughter and complaints that the sauce was ‘scarily bland’ and just hadn’t bound together at all.
‘Its advice in every pasta recipe in every book. In fact I could hear Ainsley Harriet’s chirpy tones stressing that ‘YOU MUST KEEP THE WATER, YOU MUST KEEP THE STARCHY WATER, YOU CAN ADD IT TO YOUR SAUCE’ as I drained it down the sink through a colander’.
‘It seemed to happen in slow motion’, continued McBride. ‘I could see my wife’s mouth drop in horror. I panicked and quickly tried to add a bit of cornflour into the pasta sauce, and a few capers, but the sauce started congealing and lumping up before my eyes.’
McBride has agreed to undertake a process of rehabilitation, including basic refresher training in how to place an empty pan under the colander to collect water, as well as watching repeats of every episode of Saturday Kitchen ever.
Image: Ulleo/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
GB News has ‘minus zero viewing figures’ as presenters reduced to watching audience
GB News audience stats have plummeted into negative figures as their presenters resort to watching viewers in order to maintain contact. On Saturday, the viewing figures dipped below -14 as broadcasters from the station desperately zoom called viewers to beg them to tune in.
Former newscaster Alastair Stewart said he watched the Smythe family explain why they weren’t going to tune in to the new station. ‘He didn’t realise that viewing the Smythe family would count against us in the stats and he’s deeply sorry,’ said a GB News source.
And finally, one potentially audience winning feature has been postponed while Andrew Neil has a ‘well-earned break’ from throwing tantrums about the channel’s failures. GB News’s ‘Meatiest face in Britain’ final between Neil (T Bone Angus) and Jeremy Clarkson (chump chop) will take place in the Autumn.
Categories: Fake News
Home cinema reaches new levels of realism with revolutionary ‘obtrusive head’ technology
In the latest move in the technology battle to bring the full cinematic experience to the comfort of consumers’ sofas, TV manufacturer Samsung has upped the ante by launching a home cinema system that comes complete with a large head that remains strategically positioned in the centre of the viewer’s eye-line throughout the movie experience.
The obtrusive head, which comes with a range of settings including ‘large hat’, ‘unfeasibly voluminous hair’, and ‘interminably snogging teenagers’ also features a motion-sensor that ensures it moves whenever the home viewer does, and actually increases in diameter when triggered by audio commands such as deep sighing, or a frustrated tut.
But the automated heads are just one of a range of features boasted by the new Samsung Multiplex, which was described in a ‘Which DVD?’ review as ‘gloriously capturing the soulless, overpriced banality of today’s big-chain cinema.’ State-of-the art sub-woofers, strategically placed behind the sofa, release randomly-timed high-intensity sonic blasts to recreate the experience of being in the proximity a highly-strung back of the seat kicker, and high-specification tweeters provide crystal clear sweet unwrapping and breathy nose-whistling noises, while the mid-range audio channels artfully blend the film’s dialogue with several different conversations about the going rate for babysitters, mundane family gossip, and debates about what other films the supporting actors have appeared in. Samsung also highlighted the environmental credentials of the new product, with all protective packaging made up of stale popcorn and discarded pick ‘n’ mix that can be liberally distributed over the purchaser’s carpet after unboxing.
While consumers have flocked to be the first to own the latest cutting edge audio-visual technology, rivals have been as quick to launch competing products. First to the market was the Amstrad FleaPit, which has been heavily criticised for featuring a slightly seedy torch-wielding pensioner in a bellhop outfit who guides you through a darkened living room to your own sofa while making suggestive remarks about jumbo hot dogs, but won rave reviews for the self-installed Wurlitzer organ that rises majestically through the living room floorboards whenever the system goes on standby.
Image: mohamed_hassan/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man on bus really looking forward to coughing all over you again come July 19th
A man on the bus is reportedly ‘very excited’ to cough in your face on the commute to work again, starting from July 19th.
The man, who will insist on sitting right next to you despite the presence of two empty seats across the aisle, has no plans to wear a face covering and will splutter in your direction throughout the journey to your workplace.
He told journalists he cannot contain his emotions, or his phlegm, after Boris gave the go-ahead to dropping public health recommendations yesterday. The man’s freedom, along with his hacking cough and profusely runny nose, shall no longer be shackled by central government diktats, he confirmed.
“Finally, the chance I’ve been waiting for,” enthused the man, sneezing profusely. “I’ve been spreading germs all over my fellow passengers for years, and am so glad to get back to what I do best.”
Other disgusting people are also rubbing their hands, amongst other things, at the prospect of so-called ‘Freedom Day’.
A pervy man on the tube is planning to invade your personal space again as soon as social distancing measures are eased, he announced.
“I have my shiny trousers all ready to go and my phone prepped to record.”
“The ‘stay at home’ orders of the last year have been tough for me because there have been far fewer women to ogle on the train. So, as soon as July 19th ticks around, I’ll be there leering on the Central Line, hand suspiciously in pocket.”
At the time this went to press, you were begging your boss to let you keep working from home.
Categories: Fake News
Turd emoji quivers as Clippy returns
Microsoft has decided to replace the ubiquitous and functional paperclip emoji with a 3D representation of the hyperactive clippy, last seen patronising word processor users with the observation ‘you look like you’re typing something’, to which most writers typed ‘no f@cking sh!t, Sherlock’.
Other emojis are surprised, with one raising a single eyebrow, and another frowned; however the the emoji most concerned is the turd emoji. ‘If you think I’m shit – wait until Clippy returns,’ it said today.
Categories: Fake News
Arms Manufacturers Recommend Keeping Foreign Aid At 0.75% Of GDP
‘The smart thing to do would be to keep this aid at the promised level’ said the chairman of of one multi-squillion pounds arms manufacturing company ‘Even if that necessitated an 0.00002% decrease in British defence spending to make good the financial cost.’
‘Overseas aid provides a valuable boost to Britain’s corporate image and such virtue-signalling enables us to preach patronisingly to other countries’ he continued. ‘And such a shift in government spending wouldn’t hurt our bottom line in the slightest.’
‘The only difference would be that companies owned by myself and the other chums of government ministers would simply sell our weapon systems to the countries receiving this aid, instead of to the British Ministry of Defence.’
Image: 1681551/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Office weather banter due to reach peak banality this afternoon
Forecasters are warning that annoying weather-talk will reach a new high this afternoon at around 3pm. Office bores and bosses without imagination are due to mention the heat and refer to their iPhone temperature apps as often as every 10 minutes in some UK cities.
Met Office spokesperson Gillian McMillan said: “Office workers need to brace themselves for banter that includes phrases like ‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity’, ‘It’s hotter than Ibiza’ and ‘Maybe we should invest in air conditioning one day’. All of which will sap the already limp office atmosphere.”
To take shelter from poor quality chat, people are advised to wear headphones, steer clear of elevators where possible and to avoid calling the IT Helpdesk.
Gary Harris from the Unite union says workers should also be aware that bosses often use poor quality weather talk as an excuse to manipulate workers. “On days like today, many workers are bought things like free ice creams in order to distract them from the fact their boss is a dick. We’d like to remind workers that although you may now have a free ice cream, your boss is still a dick.
“You will be able to tell how much a dick your boss is by the number of times he says phrases like ‘there is no maximum temperature before we have to send you home’ and ‘the heat really IS on now, eh team?’.
Lloydie
Image: 12019/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man only booked holiday to cause scene at airport about having to wear mask
Serial complainer and seasoned scene causer Darren Bates, aged 43 from Preston, achieved what he claimed to be a personal best yesterday after being forcibly removed from Manchester Airport by security following a tedious two-hour stand-off with staff over his refusal to put a mask on.
As soon as Bates heard on the news that the airport will be continuing to ask people to wear masks even after the legal requirement to do so ends, he knew it was an opportunity to make a public nuisance of himself that he couldn’t afford to miss. Bates randomly booked a last-minute deal without even bothering to check the destination, and eagerly set off for the airport with a self-righteous grin spread across his fully exposed face.
Bates explained later that he tries to “choose his battles wisely” and usually only exercises his fundamental human right to be an awkward, petty gobshite with the most puny and inexperienced looking customer service personnel, and strategically picks fights with people whose jobs depend on them resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the head. On this occasion, his strategy backfired with the arrival of several large and formidable members of airport security who intervened after his refusal to don a face covering before boarding his flight was about to enter its third hour. The situation escalated into a very short-lived physical confrontation, which resulted in Bates being tasered by security staff and falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, soiling himself in the process.
The self-proclaimed ‘defender of civil liberties’ regained consciousness in a pool of his own urine outside the airport, just in time to see his plane taking off without him, almost three hours behind schedule, which Bates takes full credit for. Although he will be missing his holiday, he won’t be getting a refund and he may face criminal charges, Bates said he has “no regrets” about his actions. Bolstered by what he described as a “huge victory”, Bates revealed that, after nipping home to change his underpants, he is planning to go to London, a city he has never visited before, to protest about having to wear a mask on the tube.
Categories: Fake News
‘Racism not okay on social media but fine in my newspaper column’, PM explains
The crude use of emojis on social media is not an acceptable form of racism in our society, but lording Britain’s former colonial rule over African nations in his newspaper column is absolutely fine, Boris Johnson explained during the latest PMQs.
After being pressed to elaborate further, Johnson was reported by a spokesperson as saying, “Prejudiced plebs who can’t even speak Latin repeatedly bashing a button on their dimwit devices” was in no way comparable to him “merely highlighting the obvious fact that the English always have and always will be vastly superior to any other people on the planet.”
When it was pointed out that the Prime Minister’s comments were slightly contradictory to say the least, Johnson is said to have said that the truth “is jolly well there for all to see in black and white”, an assertion which none of his opponents could argue with.
Categories: Fake News