News Biscuit
BBC pundits forlorn after realising current England players better than them
If you had missed the quarter final and only turned on the TV in time to see the grim line-up of the BBC’s football pundits, you would have been forgiven for thinking that England had just been thrashed 8-0 by Germany, rather than achieving an emphatic victory over the Ukraine to reach the semi-finals of Euro 2020.
The sullen and sombre air in the studio as former England players Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer, Rio Ferdinand and Frank Lampard tried to absorb the result was almost palpable. It was clear that the terrible truth had gradually dawned on each one of them: England are now much better than any of us ever were. In fact, they’ve made us look like we were a bit shit.
Shearer’s face expressed the same level of enthusiasm as an Easter Island statue that has just seen a wrecking ball coming towards it upon hearing the news that Harry Kane has now equalled his England goal scoring record at major tournaments. Lineker was fighting back tears, knowing that it is only a matter of time before Kane topples him from the top spot. Ferdinand managed to grudgingly growl something about their defence not being too bad these days and Lampard seemed to have been rendered mute by Jadon Sancho’s impressive performance in midfield.
Gone are the glory days of Euro 2016 when England suffered the wonderful humiliation of getting knocked out by Iceland in the last 16, making Lineker and Co. look like footballing gods by comparison. The creeping realisation across the panel that the current England team could go all the way and even win the whole thing risks putting their egos permanently on the bench.
A source close to the BBC has hinted that Lineker is already considering stepping down to dedicate more time to eating crisps for money. Lampard, having done so well as Chelsea Manager, may accept a role coaching the under-4s at his daughter’s nursery school, while Ferdinand has implied that he might take a break from football punditry so he can finally focus on rearranging his sock drawer. Shearer, on the other hand, remains stony-faced about his future at the BBC.
Categories: Fake News
Extra-marital affairs to become ‘personal choice’ on 19th July, says Government. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Woman emigrates after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind her
A woman has been forced to leave the country after mistakenly waving at someone who was actually waving at the person behind her.
‘It all happened so fast’ explains a tearful Lucy ‘I was just making my way through the pub when I saw someone waving from the other side of the room. I thought it was my friend Jenny so I enthusiastically waved back. Then I realised I had made a terrible mistake. It wasn’t Jenny at all, it was just a woman with similar hair.’
‘Then everything happened in slow motion; I turned around to confirm what I already knew – the woman was actually waving at the person behind me. I tried to pass off my raised hand as a casual head scratch but it was pointless. The game was up and I had to face the truth – that I would have to live with the shame for the rest of my life.’
‘Later that night I booked myself on the next available flight out of the UK. I plan to travel to a remote convent, become a nun and never speak of that terrible day again.’
None of Lucy’s friends or family have heard from her since this time. They are desperate for her to get in touch, as it turns out the woman in the pub WAS waving at her after all. ‘Apparently they were at school together,’ explains Lucy’s friend Jenny ‘I would have thought Lucy would remember her, she has such distinctive, awful hair.’
Categories: Fake News
Legal problems mounting for George Galloway
Renowned pot stirrer and Iraq “expert” George Galloway has launched a legal challenge against himself for being a total tool. Legal experts, including Clementine Carruthers have dismissed the suit as frivolous.
‘He’s definitely a tool. Case closed.’ she shouted, venomously hammering a gavel.
Separately, Dumfries and Galloway Council will sue for bringing the name Galloway into disrepute. Tourism chiefs are considering a name-change out of sheer embarrassment, Local official Eleanor Erskine added:
‘All our eggs are now in the basket of Netherlands and PSV right back Denzel Dumfries. I hope he’s never pretended to be a cat to slurp pretend milk from Rula Lenska’s cupped hands. Excuse me, I need to vomit again.’
Galloway also lost his case against expulsion from the Fedora Association of Britain. A FAB spokesman said ‘The NDA means the amount of compensation we received has to stay under our hat.’
Categories: Fake News
Mrs Brown’s Boys repeats ‘could continue beyond 31 October’ if no Brexit deal agreed
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has admitted that, despite promises to put an end to Brexit gridlock, unfunny sitcom Mrs Brown’s Boys may yet continue to as a fixture of TV schedules in place of anything with vaguely satirical content.
The BBC has insisted it is forced to comply with broadcasting regulations, which ensure that during periods of political upheaval all shows must remain impartial and based on entirely predictable clownish behaviour and cross-dressing. If the Brexit process outruns further deadlines, Miranda and Still Open All Hours may be brought back into commission to reduce the risk of any topical thought within the viewers. However, some have declared the policy a ‘collective punishment’ forced upon Britain by Ireland and its EU allies to ‘send a message’ to any other members who might wish to attempt an exit from the European project.
Meanwhile, negotiators have revealed talks on the Irish Backstop, commonly identified as the main sticking point in Brexit talks, now largely centre on responsibility for Brendon O’Carroll’s matriarchal housewife, with groups on both sides of the border saying it ‘just isn’t funny’. Many have expressed fears that without a formal agreement, the character could continue to cross the border at will, randomly saying ‘feck’, calling attention to the fact that ‘her’ breasts are fake and unleashing unrest among the comedy wings of various paramilitary groups. The two communities have up until now maintained an uneasy truce as part of the Northern Irish Peace Process, with only the occasional lobbing of a ‘Murphy’ joke.
Negotiations are set to resume in Brussels to try and forge a new deal after the EU rejected earlier plans to export the character to France on holiday for a second movie sequel, in exchange for accepting several French farces and hundreds of former Soviet circus clowns currently camped across the channel. Other EU members have cited the need for a ‘consistent set of rules for all comedy and tomfoolery’.
A government spokesperson told us: ‘We must work together for an agreement to restrict the free movement of Irish-set sitcoms so that catchphrases can not be allowed to traverse the border unchecked. Our proposals would ensure that. Drink. Feck. Arse. Girls.’
Categories: Fake News
Tolerance ‘getting out of hand’ say angry men
Britain’s angry men are in distress, say psychologists. ‘Kindness towards strangers, tolerance of difference, a generally calmer society – this all sounds positive,’ said Professor Watson of the University of West Huddersfield. “But angry men need an outlet. If they can’t abuse a neighbour for the colour of his skin or shout sexual threats at passing women, where’s all that energy supposed to go?’
Angry men aren’t really joiners so there are no ‘official’ societies for them, though any political movement connected with Nigel Farage seems to be a good place to look. We spoke to Bill (not his real name), an angry man in Stafford.
‘I just want to know – when do we get a parade? The world has changed beyond all recognition. Even my local chippy now has a . . . bloke, do I call him that? . . . anyway, some days he’s in a dress, some days trousers. The chips are as good as ever and I always chat to him, her – fuck me, this is complicated.’
‘In the good old days I’d throw some good-natured banter about and if anybody didn’t like it we could get into a ruck. Nowadays, beat somebody to a pulp because they’ve got foreign skin or whatever and it’s a hate crime. Was it a friendship crime before? Cause we don’t mean nothing by it, it’s how we bond.’
Government policies have contributed to the problem. PE teaching vacancies are down and the police only take graduates. Nightclub door staff have to be registered. There’s always the French Foreign Legion, but it’s both French and Foreign, two words guaranteed to trigger an angry Brit.
Bill is pacing up and down Stafford High Street, twitching every time a schoolgirl with large breasts walks past. He punches himself in the face repeatedly, his tension almost palpable.
‘I don’t know what I’ll do next. Thank God for the Euros. Booing the Kraut anthem was great, and we all laughed at that silly girl crying because her team got thrashed. Get used to it love, there’s loads more where that came from. One world cup and two world wars, doo dah, doo dah.’
Categories: Fake News
Kensington Statue Wins Not Looking Like Diana Contest
A newly installed and finally unveiled statue at Kensington Palace has won the Not Looking Like Diana award against strong competition which included a house brick and a pile of sand.
The sculptor expressed his delight at recognition of his achievement. He explained that the head of the statue was achieved by doing an electronic morph-merge of the heads of all of the members of Duran Duran, that the torso was based on that of Aretha Franklin as seen in the movie Blues Brothers, and the legs were based on those of Angela Rippon.
Categories: Fake News
Boris, Gove & Hancock pen new England anthem: Three Liars On My Shirt
Massive England footie fans & world-leading purveyors of misleading facts and figures to the public, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and all round fondling disgrace Matt Hancock, have gone all sporty, literally all of a sudden.
‘Absolutely bloody love footie,’ said Boris, ‘particularly when we thrash Merkel and her evil henchmen at das oik ball. This is exactly why I let three thousand Spanish Johnnie chappies over here last year to boost the atmosphere at Anfield, give them a damn good thrashing and give the virus an almighty boost for good measure.’
‘Absolutely bloody love bloody footie,’ enthused Michael Gove (aged nine and a half). ‘I’ve been an almighty big fan of Arsenal Hotspur for years, and I love the booing, especially from Sarah when I’m out for a jog. I can’t get enough of it, frankly.’
‘Bloody well absolutely bloody love bloody footie,’ said Matt ‘gigolo’ Hancock. Having us three liars on an England shirt and writing a song about it is an almighty dream come true.’
‘Let’s see. How does it go now? Oh yes – three liars on my shirt, footballs coming home…er…but not the wife, obvs.’
Categories: Fake News
Various Artists – the world’s biggest selling album band – to split
Dave, Dee Dozy Beaky Mick Titch Stills Crosby, Hall, Oates, Emerson, Lake, Palmer, McGuiness Flint, Ernst, Young Gifted and Black and White Minstrels are to split, closely followed by the Isley Brothers, the Pointer Sisters, the Carter Family and Bachman Turner Overdrive.
Known in the music business simply as ‘The Various’, the supergroup boasts more album releases than any other band. Some members will fragment to form solicitors practices, while others will retire all together.
‘We just became too big’ said band leader Dave of Dave Dee Dozy etc. ‘It became increasingly hard to define our style. At one point we tried to decide on a single name, but the Jackson Five insisted it should be the Jackson Five, and as there were 327 of us at that time, we couldn’t agree. We only toured once, in the seventies, and even back then we routinely outnumbered our audiences. At the end of each gig the bit where each artist got a namecheck and took a bow went on till the following day.’
Categories: Fake News
Only those that can’t afford to quarantine will have to quarantine
If you can easily afford the extra costs of quarantining when entering the UK from abroad then you will no longer be required to quarantine under new government rules.
‘The exception is extremely limited,” a government spokesperson said. “If you are a millionaire who can afford to fly first class to the UK, the costs of a five-star hotel to quarantine in and your own Covid tests, as well as be having enough in the bank not to worry about needing to get to work for ten days, then – and only then – you are welcome to enter the country without quarantining. Oh, or if you are football VIP then it is OK too.’
Those who are not able to afford these extra costs will be required to quarantine, in rules which the government described as being all about “the economy and generating wealth”.
‘These very wealthy people are very good at generating wealth and it is important for our political donations… I mean the economy, that we allow them to continue to accumulate their riches,’ the spokesperson added. ‘That is to say that if you already don’t have enough to cover quarantine costs then it is highly unlikely that you will become super-wealthy any time soon, so aren’t really able to help with urgent economic costs, such as the redecoration of 10 Downing Street.’
Multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak is said to have wholeheartedly backed the idea and said it will help everybody he could think of. ‘I can’t imagine not being able to afford these costs,’ he said.
Categories: Fake News
Raab’s mobile number online for decade, but no-one’s called it
Over-promoted traffic cone, Dominic Raab, has admitted that his mobile number has been freely available on several websites. Despite that, no-one’s ever chosen to call it.
‘I do get some calls,’ insisted the Foreign Secretary, ‘and they’re not all wrong numbers. Only the other day someone called to enquire whether I’d ever been mis-sold PPI. During the following 30 minutes, I explained that it had indeed happened but as I’d insisted on buying it even though they told me I didn’t need it, that didn’t count. Still, it was an enjoyable conversation until he begged me to hang-up.’
Categories: Fake News
Furlough scheme to be replaced with ‘hopes and prayers’
More than a million workers are expected to lose their subsidized pay and instead be expected to be renumerated with gold coins, found at the end of a rainbow. Employers have been told they need to make up any shortfall, using unicorn tears and parts of The Maltese Falcon.
A spokeswoman for Works & Pensions explained: ‘Applicants just need to track down King Pellinore’s Questing Beast for the form, get it counter-signed by the Loch Ness Monster and Amelia Earhart’. All correspondence should be addressed to Narnia.
‘Over the years we have found that hopes and prayers are more effective than any meaningful action. Those on low pay can apply to receive the circles, that you find, in the windmills of your mind.’
One worker said: ‘I was told there was good news and bad news. The bad news was, I was being paid with thin air. The good news was, there was lots of it’.
Categories: Fake News
Prisoners to be released through new HMP Gift Shops
In a new effort to rebalance the public finances, Home Secretary Theresa May has announced that prisoners reaching the end of their sentence in UK jails will no longer be released straight onto the streets, but will instead leave prison through a new HM Prisons Gift Shop.
‘The idea came to us during a Cabinet teambuilding trip to Alton Towers,’ May said. ‘We were all waiting for Nick Clegg to get off the teacups when Ken Clarke noticed that the exit took you straight through the gift shop, where you were pretty much guaranteed to spend money on overpriced tat. Cleggers came out with three teddy bears, a t-shirt that proclaimed ‘I took on the teacups – and won!’ and an oversized Alton Towers pencil.’
The scheme uses the principles of the captive market that have been used by entertainment venues for some time. Phil Taylor, the governor of Wormwood Scrubs, insisted that this is the perfect model for a prison. ‘You don’t get much more captive than jail,’ he explained. ‘Well, apart from Pentonville. Anyway, the only issue we had during trials was the lack of available cash the inmates have, so we do accept prison currency as well. Last week we took some tobacco, a Playstation, and half a kilo of cocaine.’
However, critics of the scheme have likened the HMP Gift Shop scheme to ‘extortion’. Human rights campaigner Shami Chakrabarti complained: ‘Selling overpriced gifts to remind people of their extended visits is one thing, but selling souvenir photos from the showers for £10.50 is an expensive way to breach their human rights. It may be the only ride they have, but that doesn’t make it right.’
Criticism has also come from former prisoners. Robert Goods, who has just served six months for shoplifting, described his experience. ‘I was given my belongings in a bag in one hand, and an empty shopping basket in the other. The prices of the items was so expensive it was criminal. I don’t know how they sleep at night, they should be locked up. That said, as a persistent offender, I am glad they started giving Nectar points. Three more stretches and I’ll have enough points for a weekend at Center Parcs.’
Prime Minister David Cameron has backed the plans and said he thinks the experience for prisoners will be a positive one. ‘Not only are they being released from prison, but they also get the chance to spend money and help the economy,’ he told a press conference. ‘And as someone with close friends from News International and the banking sector, I know they’ll welcome the chance to remember their sentences.’
Categories: Fake News