News Biscuit
Chris Witty loses his shit and puts two men in hospital
‘It was amazing,’ said an eye-witness. ‘One minute they were taunting him: pushing him around and taking selfies as they held him in choke holds. The next, he let out a bullish roar and punched them in the chest. One clown ended up in a skip and the other hit the side of a bus. Respect due.’
But what can have caused this response from erstwhile mild-mannered, soft-spoken Chief Medical Officer? A Dept of Health insider confided that he was accidentally scratched on the hand by Priti Patel a couple of weeks ago. He believes some of her nanobots entered his bloodstream and have now reproduced to a concentration that he is developing superpowers.
‘I saw him photoshopping his face onto a picture of the Hulk the other day. We’re now calling him Two Jabs round the office … when he is out of earshot, obviously.’
Categories: Fake News
Emergency picnic hampers ‘really could save lives’ claim French traffic police
The Ministry of Transport in Paris confirmed yesterday that anyone driving in France must carry an ‘emergency hamper’, designed to ‘minimise risk of hunger in event of mechanical failure at lunch time, more than 2.4 kilometres from a brasserie’.
The new rule was immediately dismissed as a ruse to collect fines from unsuspecting foreign motorists, particularly after it was revealed traffic cops have undergone training in ‘checking that what they’ve got in the basket looks like the kind of meal Juliet Binoche would throw together for a few friends on a hillside’.
‘If you want to drive in our country you should respect our laws,’ said a spokesman, ‘and the law requires you to carry two fresh baguettes, some perfectly ripe brie, a half carafe of appellation controllee red wine or better, and a gingham picnic blanket with the checks no bigger than 10 cm. Even you Rosbifs should be able to manage that’.
The ministry pointed out that original plans, which required the wicker hamper to double up as an emergency shelter/life raft/undercarriage of a hot air balloon should you need romantically rescuing from a ravine, had already been watered down considerably.
Other European countries are looking at the scheme with interest, with the Swiss ‘fairly certain motorists could benefit in a crisis from a large dog with a brandy barrel around its neck’, and the Greeks pondering the possible roadside uses of ‘an inflatable Orthodox cathedral to seat at least 20 people, or pay a 1000 Euro fine’.
‘Personally I’ve no objection to all this stuff,’ said an English motorist interviewed at Calais. ‘The last time I drove across the continent, by the time I’d got the compulsory Flugelhorn, raffia donkey, Polish plumber called Yacob and fully operational spy satellite in the car there was no room for the wife and kids. Best holiday I ever had. I bloody love Europe.’
Categories: Fake News
HSE to investigate ‘Jack and Jill case’ once ‘Dumpy investigation’ concluded
Following a number of media stories about an accident involving a young boy named only as ‘Jack’ for legal reasons and his young female ‘partner’ Jill, the Health and Safety Executive have launched an investigation.
‘It is understood a young man was employed to fetch water from a remote location adjacent to a steep hill, with a metal can provided to convey the water. In the execution of his said duties,’ said a HSE spokesman, ‘he lost his footing, fell down the hill and sustained serious, potentially life changing, head injuries. It is understood that his partner attempted to dress his injuries with brown paper laced with malt vinegar,’ added the spokesman.
The HSE inquiry is understood to be wide ranging, including the apparent exploitation of minors in the workplace, insufficient risk assessments, the carriage of excessive loads, insufficient manual handling training, inadequate stairs with handrails and ‘very poor first aid training.’
‘Our inspectors will be carrying out a complete report into the accident once resources become available,’ continued the spokesman. ‘Currently they are investigating a serious fall from an elevated position also resulting in head injuries that appears to have all the hallmarks of a cover up from the royal family as soldiers assigned to the royal family have seemingly colluded to carry out “repairs” to the injured person without recourse to calling 999 or at the very least 111. Instead there is some evidence they’ve allowed equine resources to assist, which is unusual to say the least.
A spokesperson for the royal household confirmed there was an ongoing investigation, but insisted some of the injuries reported were ‘eggsagerated, or at least scrambled.’
Categories: Fake News
War Office denies Crimea plans jeopardised by secrets leak
A spokesperson briefing on behalf of Lord Cardigan said today that the discovery of top secret plans at a Hansom Cab rank would not affect the forthcoming military operations in Crimea. The documents, titled ‘Operation Valley of Death’ apparently described a cunning plan on how to neutralise Russian defences.
Reconnaissance has allegedly determined that there would be cannon to the left and and cannon to the right. The obvious solution was therefore to despatch a crack elite squadron (which reliable sources have identified as the Light Brigade) straight down the middle.
Asked about the possible impact on trooper morale as a result of this leak, the spokesperson added ‘Theirs not to reason why’
Robowurzel
Categories: Fake News
Politics to be kept out of England v Germany tie
‘When England players take the knee, it’s Marxist.’ said a white England fan who has the St George’s Cross and Union Jack on his social media, despite not understanding the difference.
‘Raheem Sterling banging on about a proletariat uprising to throw off the capitalist yoke. Marcus Rashford feeding kids! You shouldn’t mix sport and politics that I don’t like. Now, shall we sing “Two World Wars and one World Cup” or “Ten German bombers”?’
‘Anyway, 1966 and all that. What have Germany ever won… apart from the 1954 World Cup, 1972 Euros, 1974 World Cup, 1980 Euros, 1990 World Cup, 1996 Euros and 2014 World Cup. Scheisse.’
English tabloids won’t mention the war. They might mention it once, but they’ll probably get away with it.
Categories: Fake News
FIFA brings in Kirstie Allsop to makeover ‘austere’ pitch technical areas
After complaints from team managers about a woeful lack of facilities and comfort in the technical areas at this year’s competition, FIFA has said it will make some changes once the group stage of the World Cup is completed.
FIFA spokesman, Jan Williams, says: ‘We agree, the current technical areas won’t do. They’re just two painted oblongs on the grass but with no technical facilities whatsoever. Hopeless really.’
‘So we’re remedying that immediately and have commissioned Kirstie Allsop to make them over. She already suggested we install a desk, chair and laptop to enable something more ‘technical’ to happen.’
‘Also,’ continues Williams, ‘there will be a side table and fridge with some basic provisions so coaches can maybe knock up a sandwich if they get a bit peckish as the game progresses.’
Speaking at a press conference in Moscow an excited Allsop explained: ‘The current TAs smack of salt mines and cold grey Russian austerity so I’m introducing additional soft furnishings.’
‘We’re fitting some curtains across the width of each one for some privacy and we’re matching these with a nice three-seater sofa should the coaches wish to entertain guests during the game.’
England Gaffer, Gareth Southgate, is said to be delighted by the proposed changes. He told Gary Lineker: ‘I’ve spoken to Kirstie and asked specifically for a leather armchair, mahogany desk, hat stand and velvet smoking jacket to be provided for our games to completely Anglicise my area and to make me and the lads feel more at home.’
Categories: Fake News
PM rallies nation and rescues culture with epic Cabaret reworking
Instead of running the country and making decisions which would have saved tens of thousands of lives, the Prime Minister has been busy tending to his true passion of remaking the classic hit musical ‘Cabaret’
“It has been my lifelong ambition to bring the tried and tested ideological ideals of 1932 Germany to stage, screen and British politics,” oozed a glassy-eyed Boris Johnson with a thousand yard stare, arms crossed behind his back and unconsciously clicking his heels together
“My glorious reinterpretation will be called ‘Cabinet’, written by me, directed by me, starring me, and reviewed in the press by me as a world-beating all-round world-beater, with me as King. And the genius of it is that it does away with characters who are foreign, foreign sounding, or even a teensy bit foreign looking”
“The plot opens with a tribute to the First Realm of British Empire, transitioning into the celebrated Second Realm with a matriarchal leader called Margaret Thatcher, and climaxing splendidly with a thousand year Third Realm led by – well – me“
“The song ‘Money, Money’ will feature throughout as a leitmotiv, reminding everyone what it’s all about”
“The part of the Emcee in the rather erotic number ‘Two Ladies’ will be played by a reclining Jacob Rees-Mogg, heavily made up in false eyelashes, ruby lipstick, and sexily clad in stockings and suspenders, closely accompanied by the 2 literally strapping young ladies Dildo Hardin and Loose Truss. But then, he springs up into a high-kicking goose-stepping routine of song and dance, which brings us right into my glorious Third Realm – Huzzaaaah!”
“The closing scene and grand finale of ‘Tomorrow Belongs To Us’ being taught to school children is so powerful that it will be retained, and indeed made law in schools throughout England”
This somewhat too realistic film “Cabinet” will be released soon, rather sooner than you think
Sinnick & SteveB
Categories: Fake News
Man with huge collection of 12 inch rulers denies having foot fetish. More soon.
Categories: Fake News
‘Hancock genius’ remark signals Rees-Mogg’s return to frontline politics
Jacob Rees-Mogg’s assessment of how Matt Hancock handled the pandemic, has reportedly convinced Boris Johnson to encourage the leader of the house to play a bigger part in frontline politics once more. Despite Mr Hancock’s spectacular fall from grace since.
The part-time Gussie Fink-Nottle impersonator, once an almost daily source of comedy entertainment on our screens, disappeared from public life quite some time ago giving considerable cause for concern to absolutely no one at all.
On hearing the news, Billericay whelk stall holder, Barry Shite said: ‘If this is true then I’m well made-up, cos Jacob’s my guy. Look mate, just like him, I never had fack all until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps.’
‘See, we’re cut from the same cloff, innit? And now he’s back on the scene, the man in the street’s gonna get a fair crack of the whip. It ain’t no sin to be borassic, and Jacob, more than most, knows that only too well.’
Categories: Fake News
Probe into false Amazon reviews given six stars
Regulators have been analysing reviews on Amazon to determine whether the internet giant is allowing false product claims to exist on its website or is just avoiding paying any tax. ‘We found that Amazon did a fair job – five stars,’ said one (verified) investigator. ‘Too good to be true – five stars and thanks for the bonus’ said another.
The EU has been checking into the financial affairs of Amazon for some time. ‘Cheeky, unorthodox, great Tesla btw,’ was the final report headline.
Categories: Fake News
CO2 shortage proves there’s no global warming, say morons
Angry people across the UK have lifted their knuckles from the ground and demanded answers as to why there is apparently a shortage of carbon dioxide for drinks plants, when scientists and other lefties have been telling them for years that the world is getting hotter because there is too much of it.
‘It’s a bloody disgrace,’ said Nigel Walker, two arms and a penis from Chelmsford. ‘The barman at the Fox & Geese tells us last night they’re going to run out of lager by the weekend if they don’t get some more of this CO-whatsit stuff delivered. Then all these ‘so-called experts’ are saying there’s more in the air than ever before. Someone’s got to be lying – stands to sense, dunnit?’
Manufacturers have warned that both beer and lemonade could be in short supply, leading to panic buying among World Cup watchers who fear that they may otherwise be reduced to drinking real ale and forcing the kids to have water. Many are angry that this is happening on the hottest day of the year so far, when carbon dioxide levels should be the highest if those ivory tower boffins had any common sense.
Professor Geoffrey Roberts of the University of York said: ‘Let’s do this slowly. Atmospheric carbon dioxide is completely separate from pressurised carbon dioxide, which is currently in short supply because of factory maintenance shutdowns and a peak in demand, which has … no, actually let’s not bother. Life’s too short.’
‘Tell you what, if you want to make your own, put a hose on the end of your car exhaust and sit inside it with the engine running. It smells lovely too. Strictly speaking that’s carbon monoxide but there’s only one oxygen atom’s difference and let’s face it, most people in Britain are oxygen thieves anyway.’
Categories: Fake News
Complete banker now in charge of the NHS
Categories: Fake News
Government credibility found in a Kent bus shelter
A member of the public has found the government’s remaining small shred of credibility in a bus shelter in Kent.
‘I almost didn’t see it, but somehow it caught my eye,’ Joyce Robinson said. ‘It was a small, unpleasant looking thing on the seat, so my first instinct was to brush it off. Something made me take a closer look though.’
After taking it home and looking at it under a microscope, Mrs Robinson realised what she had found.
A government spokesperson confirmed that the credibility had been reported as missing shortly after the government was formed.
‘I am just glad it was found,’ they said. ‘I mean it could easily have been missed as it is so small, y’know after it has suffered so much – the post-Brexit Northern Ireland situation, the way contracts have been awarded, the ignoring of Priti Patel’s bullying, not shutting the border to India early enough.’
‘The Cummings/Barnard Castle fiasco, the ‘totally f-ing useless’ text, Boris boasting of having shaken hands with Covid patients and then going into intensive care with the virus, the way care homes have been treated in the pandemic, not taking any steps to ease the broader social care problems, Jennifer Arcuri – and now, the final straw, Hancock being caught snogging his mistress.’
‘Anyway, I’m just glad we’ve got it back. It is now perfectly safe here on my desk. Wait a minute, where’s it gone? It’s completely disappeared! Oh god, what has one of the clowns done now?’
Categories: Fake News