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Taliban ban Matalan; Matalan bans Taliban
The Taliban and Matalan have increased the distance between each other in an act of mutual banning. ‘The Taliban-Matalan ban pre-dated the Matalan Taliban ban’ claimed Mohammed Smythe, the Taliban’s head of Retail Acquisition. Meanwhile a man from Matalan said Matalan’s Taliban ban had come first.
Irrespective of who banned whom when, the mutual banning has left high street watchers and middle east correspondents scratching their heads. ‘The fashion and homeware retailer offers attire and household goods at prices that are hard to resist, even by a hardline quasi-political group known for colourful fabrics and unorthodox views about womenswear,’ said one insider.
Meanwhile a Matalan spokesman has declared that staff have repeatedly had to ask members of the Taliban to leave Matalan or surrender assault rifles, whips and swords with G4 security guards while they browse mattress toppers, garden furniture and non-stick cookware at unrepeatable prices. The chain has decided to end the to and fro arguments with the shopping-mad militia. To and fro arguments that canny Matalaniacs refer to as a ‘Taliban-a-ding dong’.
In a separate development Australian movie maker George Miller has inked a deal for an all action yarn that combines mass discount retail with high octane thrills, to be called TK Mad Max.
Categories: Fake News
Back teeth fed up with being fed up to
Molars and premolars have lashed out with frustration at being labelled the metaphorical high watermark of frustration.
‘When we are in use crushing your difficult-to-chew food into convenient boli so you can swallow it, then you don’t give us a thought,’ said an amalgum filled tooth from a Bournemouth mouth. ‘But you’re all to ready to reach for us when you want to express impatience with climate change, inconsistencies in Midsomer Murders and that woman in the chiropodist’s waiting room.’
The molar went on to moan about front teeth. ‘These are identified with cutesy six year olds at Christmas, John Bishop or the fucking Goofey joke. All very fine but useless without us sturdy backroom boys who do all the heavy lifting and barely see any floss. To tell you the truth I’m fed up to the back….Oh bollocks I’m doing it now.’
We approached bollocks for a response to being the go-to gonads for expression of vehement disagreement but they declined to comment.
Categories: Fake News
Russian Government denies involvement in the Opal Fruits/Starburst name change
A spokesman for Vladimir Putin has categorically refuted the claim that it was Russian interference which resulted in Opal Fruits changing their name to Starburst in 1998. Despite evidence uncovered by UN investigators and the CIA, the bare-chested, horse-riding, journalist-culling, yet democratically-elected dictator denies any State involvement.
“Russia has always denied being involved in this tragedy” our reporter was told. “It is more western propaganda designed to make the Russian State look bad, and believe me, we don’t need any help on that front.”
Western researchers have discovered that two KGB agents were operating in Slough in the late ’90s, disguised as tourists. The men involved claim they were just tourists and proved this by showing photographs of them outside the Queensmere Observatory Shopping Centre, the Slough Ice Arena and admiring the tower of the historic St Ethelbert’s Church.
This is not the first time a foreign power has been accused of such underhand dealings. The Israeli government still denies any MOSSAD involvement in Marathon becoming Snickers in 1990.
Categories: Fake News
Big Dick Energy latest utility company in trouble
Big Dick Energy is one of several smaller energy companies struggling with high wholesale gas prices.
A spokesman with BDE read a statement, whilst swaggering: ‘At this rate we’re going to have to start diversifying into gaslighting. I would say I have a lengthy penis, when the only lengthy things about me are my list of failed relationships and my criminal record.’
Business Secretary Kwasi Kwartengergy was allegedly seen rolling a gas canister into his house, shouting ‘Don’t get high on your own supply bitches… mentioning no Goves.’
Other utility companies who may be in trouble include Hi NRG, The Gas Man Cometh, Knowing Methane Knowing Youthane, Rock the Gasbah, Lil Gas X and Gas You Like It.
Hat tip Lockjaw54
Categories: Fake News
Government refuses to help energy companies, but if any banks are in trouble….
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Categories: Fake News
Pfizer jab safe for kids from 5 to 11. Any later than that is anyone’s guess
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Categories: Fake News
Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension
People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.
Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: ‘Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It’s brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.’
Luke Lyle from Manchester added ‘Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month’s salary. On average it’s 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.’
Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged ‘I mean it’s on the Northern Line, that’s close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?’
Categories: Fake News
iPhone user has ‘out-of-phone experience’ in-between operating systems
iPhone dependent Michael Potter has spoken of a bizarre ‘human-like experience’ today, when a delay in his download of iOS 7 to his iPhone 5 left him perilously exposed to the real world, with no operating system, for nearly 24-hours.
‘Normally I just stare at a wall from two-inches away with a blank expression in-between operating systems, but this time something different happened’, explained the now half-man, half-phone. ‘I discovered a world free of digital assistance, where friends are a physical reality. Although it turns out I don’t have nearly as many as my Facebook app suggests. I also discovered my mum passed away a couple of years ago. If only I had my bereavement app’.
Professor Robert Winston, who has based his latest studies around the dependency modern humans have on technology, said: ‘Out-of-phone experiences are very rare and can be extremely distressing and confusing. To find yourself in a tangible, 3D environment with no widgets available for assistance can be daunting, but, as in Michael’s case, it can sometimes prove quite enlightening’.
‘I feel free. Isn’t this sunset just beautiful?’, added Michael, who went for a long, inspiring walk along the seafront with a dog he didn’t realise he owned. ‘I don’t need an app to tell me when I need a shit anymore, I can just go whenever and wherever I want; like right now, if I want to. I don’t want my friends and family to worry; I’m adapting really well. Now, can anybody tell me how I charge this dog up?’
Categories: Fake News
Threat of third world war less feared than threat of ancient Greek poetry
Brits are pretty OK with the threat of a third world war, nuclear exchange, and the inevitability of mutually assured destruction. The important thing is that they have taken back control of their borders and whatever the other two were.
However, according to a poll conducted by leading finger-on-the-pulse polling organisation Polly McPollface, Brits are more concerned that they might be subjected to ancient Greek poetry than blinding flashes of light, million degree heat, and searing radioactive sickness.
One respondent told us, ‘Nuclear armageddon? Naah, won’t even wear a mask for that one, mate. What scares the crap out of me is that Boris might start reciting verses from ancient Greek poems. I mean, I like him and everything, and I’d vote for him no matter what, but you know what he’s like. He’s been waiting for this all of his life.
‘He’ll whip out a fat cigar quicker than you can say ‘oven ready’, exaggerate his hunch and utter the words we’ve all been longing for. You know the ones, ‘It is my great regret to inform you that we are at war…’ How brilliant would that be? That’s all we’ve ever wanted to hear, and why I pretended to support Millwall and organised a few Barneys in the 80s.
‘Now if I thought it would be that and a few lines about fighting on the beaches then, like him, I would be in hog heaven. But you just know that he won’t be able to help himself trot out the odd verse of ancient Greek. And that stuff don’t even rhyme. We didn’t take back control of our borders only to have that old foreign muck thrown at us.’
Categories: Fake News
Surplus UK vaccine to be loaded into super soakers
Although the majority of the third world is being devastated by the Covid pandemic, the UK government has decided that the people of Britain would rather we kept the shitload we over ordered for ourselves. Even the dodgy one that doesn’t work as well.
Some spokestwat for the government explained, ‘As poor foreign people die unnecessary agonising deaths across the globe, Boris and his chums felt that the only right and decent course of action was to not let them have one drop of vaccine.
‘Our finger right on the pulse of absolutely the entire peoplethings of Britain told us that what you all want is for the UK to stick two fingers up to everyone else and rub it in their faces.
‘Given that unshakeable truth, all of the excess vaccine we have will be poured into super soakers and we’re going to have a Great British end of summer epic water pistol battle down the park.’
Categories: Fake News
Lawyers to serve Prince Andrew papers, by hiding them on teenage girl
Frustrated by his attempts to avoid their couriers, a US law firm has decided the best way to lure Prince Andrew is to use bait – specifically 25% off at Pizza Express. They have also considered dressing the papers up as a young blonde or writing them in braille on the buttocks of a lingerie model.
Ninth-in-line to the throne, Prince Andrew is first-in-line to get sued in New York. Explained one lawyer: ‘We considered turning the papers into an edible bra for a Playboy model – but we hear he prefers pizza’.
The Prince lists his titles as KG, GCVO, CD, ADC but the court just lists him as AWOL. They may have to try Habeas Corpus, which literally means ‘you shall have the body’ – which allegedly is what got the Prince into trouble in the first place.
Categories: Fake News
Man washes neighbour’s car after being jokily asked to
The play book of social norms was ripped up into pieces today after a man washing his car took up his neighbour on the jokey aside that ‘you can wash mine after you’ve finished yours’.
Peter McBride made the throwaway comment after coming out of his front door, seeing Mike next door waxing his Nissan Qashqai, and realising he had little else to say to him.
‘Next thing I know he was knocking at the door saying he had a spare half hour, asking for the keys to my Astra and did I want the interiors vacuuming too’, said a flustered McBride. ‘I don’t want him anywhere near my pride and joy. It was just weird.’
‘The ‘you can do mine after you’ve finished yours’ is a timeless bit of small talk, simultaneously designed to close off further conversation whilst acknowledging the effort being undertaken to keep their property in better nick than your own’ , said David Davidson, Professor of Social Niceties. ‘It works particularly well with creosoting fences, trimming hedges and of course cleaning windows, the latter inevitably preceded by the quip ‘you’ve missed a bit’.
McBride is said to be looking forward to the clocks going back next month so he can revert to his ‘the nights are drawing in, aren’t they’, one-liner for the next few months.
Categories: Fake News
British TV British Legally British Required to be British
The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.
Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.
New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.
Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.
BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.
Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’
Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’
Categories: Fake News
Duolingo’s demand for Somali surges on International Talk Like A Pirate Day
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Categories: Fake News
‘Windows 11? I’ve barely mastered Windows 95′ complains man.
News that Microsoft plan to update their operating system, has caused widespread panic among those who struggle to tell the difference between a PC and gramophone. Particularly those who think the ‘Start Menu’ is what you order from before your Main arrives.
Jake Kalpar (49) has been particularly tense since the announcement: ‘I phoned my sister and she said Windows in the area were upgrading and I just assumed she meant double-glazing. 64-bit? I don’t even know what the other 63 bits are. And DirectX sounds like a hyperlink to a p$rn site’.
‘When did we start calling everything an App? Why is everything in tiles? What’s wrong with a list, a normal list? I’ve got a OneDrive? But it’s in a cloud? What? A cloud? For the love of God, I just want to copy some clip art – is that too much to ask? Where is spellcheck now?’
‘Can I help you?’ asked Cortana.
‘Who the f$ck said that?!?’ replied Jake.
Categories: Fake News
‘Windows 11? I’ve barely mastered Windows 95′ complains man.
News that Microsoft plan to update their operating system, has caused widespread panic among those who struggle to tell the difference between a PC and gramophone. Particularly those who think the ‘Start Menu’ is what you order from before your Main arrives.
Jake Kalpar (49) has been particularly tense since the announcement: ‘I phoned my sister and she said Windows in the area were upgrading and I just assumed she meant double-glazing. 64-bit? I don’t even know what the other 63 bits are. And DirectX sounds like a hyperlink to a p$rn site’.
‘When did we start calling everything an App? Why is everything in tiles? What’s wrong with a list, a normal list? I’ve got a OneDrive? But it’s in a cloud? What? A cloud? For the love of God, I just want to copy some clip art – is that too much to ask? Where is spellcheck now?’
‘Can I help you?’ asked Cortana.
‘Who the f$ck said that?!?’ replied Jake.
Categories: Fake News
Man who was never mis-sold PPI demands compensation
‘My neighbour claimed for PPI, and he got £13000. His cousin got £12000. Me – I didn’t get a penny,’ complained Bruce Aldridge today. ‘I never fell for that PPI shit – first they tried pre ticking the box, I always spotted that, then they did the dirty little trick where they left the box empty, but you had to tick it to opt out. Sneaky, but it never caught me out,’ he added.
Bruce is fuming that he’s being penalised for being aware of the scams banks were playing. ‘I could have let them mis-sell to me and I’d be loaded now, but because I’ve been careful I’m the only person in my group who can’t afford to go on holiday next year. Bruce is campaigning for compensation for those who didn’t get mis-sold PPI. ‘There must be dozens like me,’ he said today.
Categories: Fake News
Drug dealers concerned customers are unsure of imperial measurements
A spokesman for the National Union of Drug Dealers has expressed concerns that customers and pushers will not understand imperial measurements when changes come into force.
“We’ve always dealt in grams”, Spider Harris told our reporter. “The customers will have no idea how much to buy and, to be quite honest, I’m not sure many of my members will either.”
“It’ll be the ruin of us. A one gram wrap for £20 will now be a 0.035 ounce wrap. We’re gonna need new scales. My employees won’t be able to quickly work out grams to ounces by dividing current wraps by 28.364. Most of them didn’t go to school, if they’d got maths GCSE, they wouldn’t be working for me, would they?”
A spokesman for Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, released a statement saying the PM was concerned for the future of the trade and that the Department for Work and Pensions is looking into an advertising campaign, credit card sized conversion charts, new scales and extra training for dealers at this difficult time.
Categories: Fake News
