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All work and no pension makes Therese a dull girl
Work and Pensions Secretary Therese Coffey has unwittingly revealed a strikingly socialist agenda, following her intentionally bungled comment that 2 hours extra work cancels out the impending £20-a-week Universal Credit cut.
With just a nod, Coffey implicitly confirmed that the minimum wage will increase from £8.91/hour to £10/hour. Additionally those on minimum wage will pay zero tax (intriguing Jeff Bezos), pay zero National Insurance (intriguing Rishi Sunak), make zero pension contributions (intriguing herself) and pay zero childcare costs (intriguing Boris Johnson many times over).
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said: ‘Why don’t people on Universal Credit just get a second job on the board of a FTSE-100 company? My uncle says they usually pay hundreds of thousands a year for a few hours work. It’s all done via the Caymans, so tax is at Amazonian levels. I blame the lazy working poor, or maybe the EU somehow?’
Categories: Fake News
Man downs three-course lunch by 10:30am
A Norfolk man had face-binned his breakfast, brunch and a three-course luncheon at his desk by 10:27am it has been confirmed.
Spreadsheet-shuffler Rod Flannigan foolishly placed his transparent lunch box within the viewing angle of his laptop screen when starting work and was subsequently seen chowing down in anger before anyone had even made tea, according to witnesses.
‘I made the classic mistake of thinking I’d just have a bite of flapjack whilst firing up Outlook, which of course was bound to escalate! Before I knew what was happening I had grapes and Dairylea in my gob at the same time and my own hands force-fed me peanuts relentlessly like some Hadean punishment for gluttony’ Rod admitted of the feeding frenzy that would have made a Great White Shark look like a fussy eater.
‘It was like a starving lion neck deep in a zebra’s ribcage’ recounted a shaken colleague. ‘When I looked up there were crumbs and organic debris flying across the table as his substantial rations disintegrated into that howling maw in a matter of seconds. I got a crisp shard in my eye, McCoy’s Beef Flavour I think’.
Flannigan was later hosed down and put back to work in a dazed state before being spotted queuing at the chip van at 11:45, eating a sausage roll.
‘It’s something about work, I don’t eat like this at home’ he added. ‘We don’t have a chip van’.
Categories: Fake News
Parents threaten to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised
Just a week into the new term, parents are threatening to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised.
The ultimatum follows the leak of a report that showed the amount spent on uniforms this year exceeded NASA’s annual budget.
The proposed strike would affect essential services provided by mums and dads such as creating a World Book Day costume with 30 minutes notice, explaining why algebra will be useful in later life and liaising with the Tooth Fairy.
“If we don’t put school uniforms into public ownership, they’ll soon cost more than replica football kits. And I don’t mean Arsenal or Newcastle kits; I’m talking about kits for big teams” explained Bob Vine, a spokesman for the Coalition of Really Annoyed Parents (CRAP).
“It’s not just the cost, it’s the quality too. My son’s jumper already looks like a string-vest and his jacket is apparently water soluble.”
Parents are also demanding a public inquiry into allegations that school dinners are being seasoned with growth hormones after it emerged that thousands of children have already outgrown their new blazers, trousers and shoes.
Mr Vine is sceptical about the government’s plan to mitigate the effects of any strike by using army personnel.
“Just because you can diffuse a bomb in Iraq while under enemy fire doesn’t mean you’ve got the nerves of steel required to take a hyperactive five year-old to a birthday party at a soft-play.”
Categories: Fake News
Lorry driver penalised after doing a double light flash to a regular car
A Sheffield lorry driver is facing years in the wilderness, after having all forms of camaraderie removed by the HGV community. The extreme punishment was served after Michael McGuire, an Asda truck driver mistakenly flashed a Fiat 500 car back into the first lane of the motorway after it had overtaken his truck between Junction 18 and 19 of the M6.
‘The helpful double flash of the headlights, to indicate that it is safe to move back into lane 1 can only be offered by lorry drivers to similarly weighted vehicles over 7.5 tonnes, everyone knows that’, said Peter Smith of the Haulage Association, following a hearing of fellow HGV drivers at Lymm truck stop. ‘That warm feeling and compulsory obligation to thank them back with a quick ‘left-right-left’ of your indicators is only available to the lorry driving fraternity. It has to be, otherwise all social conventions of the road might as well be ripped up.’
In his defence, McGuire’s lawyer argued it was a genuine mistake. McGuire had been at the wheel for hours and an earlier glance in the mirror had revealed a Homesense truck pulling out rather than a Fiat overtaking. Unknown to McGuire, the Homesense driver had decided in the end to stay in the inside lane and get right up the arse of an elderly couple in a Micra. ‘My client has 10 years of unblemished truck driving’ , said his lawyer. ‘ He always pulls out into the second lane automaticallynafter 6 seconds of his indicator being on, and the neon signage behind his driving seat is second to none’.
Lorry drivers have been told to not acknowledge McGuire on major carriageways. He will also be barred for 2 years from doing that thing that lorry drivers do when a lane is closing on the motorway, where they straddle the 2 lanes and drive really slow with their hazards on.
Categories: Fake News
Things Prince Andrew is sweatier than
An elephant seal in a Turkish bath
A tin of Spam in an airing cupboard
Sir Philip Green at the BHS social club
A worm in a willywarmer
A bomb disposal expert with the hiccups
A ladybird in a field of venus flytraps
A tethered goat in Jurassic Park
A hedgehog in closet full of balloons
Boris Johnson on father’s day
A zebra on a leopard crossing
A pervert in a bin full of tits
An ewok on Tatooine
A caber-tosser’s jock strap
A morning after kebab
Chris Grayling on Mastermind.
A bomb disposal officer faced with a choice between cutting a green or a blue wire.
Boris Johnson surrendering his laptop for an Internet search history check
A wonky whelk at a woke Woking wake
A sausage on a sultry day
SteveB, Dagular, Chipchase, camz, Sinnick, Joanne Starkie
Categories: Fake News
Neil & GB News split. Neil to get custody of Brexit
Andrew Neil, veteran broadcaster and answer to the question ‘what if corned beef had a face?’, has finally called an end to his brief marriage to GB News. Both parties put out a statement saying no other individuals were involved ‘…particularly viewers, as we have none’.
Under the custody agreement, Neil gets to keep all erroneous facts about Brexit but GB News gets weekend visitation rights to any racist dog whistles.
Since its launch GB News has been heavily criticised for its lack of accuracy, to which it responded by saying: ‘We are pleased to announce Andrew Neil is joining GB News’.
Categories: Fake News
Smoke alarms on Space Station triggered by alien bacon
Concerns have been raised that Astronauts may have been sneakily eating evidence of life from other planets, specifically turning ET into a bacon butty. The International Space Station (ISS) has claimed smoke detectors were set off by faulty batteries but were unable to explain the smell of crispy bacon and the discarded alien clothing.
Rumours exist that First Contact with an alien race was disrupted, when the ISS crew discovered that this new race shared 99% of their DNA with pigs. Commented one astronaut: ‘They came in peace but they were so goddamn tasty!’
Being stuck on a space station with months of powdered food creates a certain hunger, a hunger that soon took over, when the inhabitants of Porcus V raised their trotters in friendship. Explained another astronaut, wiping ketchup from his chin: ‘They were saying something about discovery and knowledge but all I heard was the sound of sizzling’
Categories: Fake News
‘Covid passports would be unfair’ says smug b*’tard who already has Covid Pass
A total bastard who gets off on causing bitter division between other people at every opportunity is going around saying that Covid passports in England would cause division between people and would be unfair.
‘Covid passports are a great idea and we are definitely doing that,’ said the utter bastard, not even pausing for breath before immediately following those words with, ‘Covid passports are unnecessary and would be unfair, so that’s not happening.’
Asked if the existing NHS Covid Pass – which anyone who has been double jabbed can request online and have posted to them – happens to be everything a Covid passport is except in name, the complete bastard said, ‘Absolutely not,’ tucking his very own NHS Covid Pass document into his blazer pocket.
Further pushed on the point that regardless of whether Covid passports would be a good thing or a bad thing, people arguing about whether England should have them or not is somewhat futile if anyone can get an NHS Covid Pass whenever they want, the uberbastard added, ‘As long as the whole country is arguing about it, then they are not noticing me embezzling billions of taxpayer money, are they?’
Categories: Fake News
Majority of lottery winners still can’t cash the cheque
‘I won £1.2 million in June last year, had to get the train to Watford to pose for the photo with the cheque,’ said William today. ‘Then the trouble started. You try getting on a Virgin Pendilino with an oversize cheque. I didn’t want to crease it, obviously, but then the ticket collector insisted I paid for the seat it was occupying. That was the end of the $43.50 I’d set aside for an egg sandwich.
‘But the real problems come when I tried to cash the cheque. You have to feed them into a scanning device at your local branch – the one forty miles from where you live – and they don’t have an opening wide enough for the Camelot cheques. I’d given my job up as soon as I realised I’d won, now the cheque’s stopping a draught in the living room and I’m flipping burgers in McDonalds.
Camelot admitted that a lot of lottery winners didn’t cash their cheques. ‘We’ve just assumed they don’t want to lose that “just won” feeling. If they prefer, we’ll pay them in cash instead. We’ve only got ten pence pieces but if they return with their cheques and a wheelbarrow we’ll happily do the deal,’ said a spokesman today.
Categories: Fake News
Proof of not being Michael Gove now required for entry to Scottish nightclubs
From 1st October anyone who wishes to go to a nightclub in Scotland will be refused entry unless they can provide compelling evidence that there isn’t the slightest risk of them being Michael Gove.
This new regulation will grant nightclub staff the power to prevent anyone from trying to barge in for free under the guise of being the Chancellor of Duchy of Lancaster or other such made up sounding jobs. As an added safety precaution, bouncers will also be required to immediately eject any high-risk revellers, preferably by force, from the premises who are seen dad dancing in an ill-fitting suit to hardcore Jungle music.
If these measures are strictly implemented by all nightclubs in Scotland, the SNP are reportedly hopeful that staff and customers will not be subjected to any future outbreaks of Govid on the dancefloor.
Categories: Fake News
Gross incompetence saves UK from catastrophic implosion
The UK government has been busily demonstrating ill intent towards its own country and most of its people. Especially the diligent ones who actually get things done and flog their own guts out keeping everything just about afloat in the face of Tory-led cocking it right up.
There is, however, rather good news. Despite the wide-eyed appetite for causing as much unnecessary suffering as possible, gross incompetence and an unparalleled level of negligence by government mean that fumbling attempts to dismantle the whole show have not been as widespread as intended.
Categories: Fake News
Fear that ‘Operation Yellowhammer’ intends to bring back Timmy Mallet
The public and armed services are on high alert, after a leaked memo suggests that a No-Deal Brexit will lead to re-runs of ‘Mallet’s Mallet’. The Operation Yellowhammer contingency plan also references the stockpiling of colourful glasses, rationing Michaela Strachan and using Tommy Boyd as flood defence.
This paints a bleak future for UK citizens, who will forced to join a Wide Awake Club, to combat the exhaustion of living in a low-wage gig-economy. More terrifying still, in the event of a hard Brexit, the new national anthem will be ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ – but with less of a dystopian feel to the original.
Mr. Mallet rose to prominence in the 80’s with his ill-matched clothing and catch-phrases ‘utterly brilliant!’ and ‘blaaah’ – all of which Boris Johnson would later copy. He would then beat people with a giant foam phallus; a technique that many of Mr. Johnson’s ex-wives would find familiar.
Mallet’s Yellowhammer will also be used to quell public unrest, with repeated blows to the head – like having a conversation with Jacob Rees Mogg. A Government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Nobody wants to see queues of people leaving the country, food shortages or general panic – but that’s what you get with Timmy Mallet’.
Categories: Fake News
Told you so, say Aztec priests
Priests from the temple of the Aztec night god Tezcatlipoca at Tenochtitlan have been gloating at the discomfiture of the British public as another cloudy and drizzly summer fizzles out to its inevitable end. They now feel vindicated in their view that at least 2,000 human sacrifices are needed every day to make the sun rise.
‘Life is because of the gods, with their sacrifice they gave us life. Everything – sun, crops, moon, stars, Lisa Stansfied, tinned ravioli, everything – comes from that,’ said the discarnate soul of Ixaccihuatl, former Aztec chief priest, who was channelled by Derek Acorah. ‘We told the Spanish conquistadors as much in 1519 too, but none of you would listen. Well, serves you right.’
Under the Aztec Empire, constant wars were fought against neighbouring tribes to provide sacrifices to Tezcatlipoca and the sun god Huitzilopochtl to ensure that the sun continued to circle the Earth. Some have observed that Londoners could probably capture and sacrifice the requisite number from East Anglia to ensure a rather pleasant Indian Summer weekend later this month without anyone noticing.
‘When we sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli, the victim would be placed on a sacrificial stone, then the priest would cut through the abdomen with an obsidian blade. The heart would be torn out still beating and held towards the sky and the body would be either cremated or given to the warrior responsible for the capture of the victim, who would either send the parts to other important men as an offering or eat them,’ explained Ixaccihuatl. ‘A bit like Friday night in Croydon, then.’
Without a constant supply of victims, the Aztecs believed, the 52-year cycle of life on Earth could come to an end or Arsenal might win a game, whichever is the earlier. The Daily Express is believed to be planning a three-page feature article on the subject next week, unless house prices change in the interim.
Categories: Fake News
Johnson defends Isle of Skye withdrawal
Boris Johnson has today defended the UK’s military withdrawal from the Isle of Skye. The occupation, the UK’s longest overseas deployment, comes after peace talks with the indigenous ‘Essenpee’ tribe last year, which were held in Cockermouth.
The Essenpee, who practice an ultra-devout form of fried Mars bar-eating washed down with Frosty Jack, gave assurances last year that the withdrawal would be ‘Nae bother, hen’ but local residents have already complained that the peace talks and assurances from the group were ‘bollocks’.
Mr Johnson, speaking from the depths of an inflatable sex doll, stated: ‘We should be proud of the sacrifices made – indeed they have not been in vain – but Skye is an awful long way away and people will hopefully forget about it tout suite’.
ArthurPyke
Categories: Fake News
American teens see no reason to enter haunted house
A group of good-looking American teenagers have refused point-blank to enter a reputedly haunted house on the outskirts of their town. Despite their self-confessed stupidity and the lack of better things to do on a hot summer night in Clarksville, Tennessee, all seven said that they had no interest in exploring the derelict mansion at 2300 Hullsport Road.
‘I’m like, what would be the point of that?’ handsome 19-year-old high school quarterback Josh McGiffin told reporters. ‘There’s nothing to see in there, right?’ McGiffin added that he does not believe in ghosts or stuff, not even those of the three young drifters who were brutally gunned down by the deranged householder at the house exactly 50 years ago today and who are said to scream plaintively through the night on every anniversary. More to the point, he said, the house must be extremely dirty and possibly dangerous after so many years of neglect.
Tammy Johnson, 18, the former cheerleader who is the prettiest of the three girls in the group, said that she personally believes the ghost stories and would never go into the house. ‘It’s really creepy. Like, I know I’m blonde but I’m not that stupid,’ she said. ‘And even if I did go in, I definitely wouldn’t do it in diaphanous underwear.’
The daring prospect of pushing open the creaky cobweb covered door, did briefly attract them, but a mad old local told them to keep well away from that old place, and the teenagers agreed that it would be wise to follow the advice of someone more experienced than themselves. They eventually decided to drive aimlessly around town all night instead. Added Dwayne Beasley: ‘I’m the only black guy in the group, so no way man, I’d be toast the moment we got in that place.’
Categories: Fake News
