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What to do in a ‘bag for life or death’ situation
Shopper Karolina Krychowiak has accidentally used a Sainsbury’s bag for life at a branch of Tesco, breaking the supermarket honour code. ‘As a Polish woman, I’m depressingly familiar with getting looks from racists, but when I got that orange bag out for my meal deal, it was like when the masked gunslinger bursts through the saloon doors and the piano player stops. Luckily I used the self-service till otherwise things might have got tasty, unlike my meal deal,’ she confirmed.
A Tesco source said ‘This kind of provocation will not stand. We will find her and we will cut her food bills by 5%.’
Youssef Younis said ‘As a British Asian I’m depressingly familiar with getting looks from racists but pulling out a Waitrose bag in Aldi felt like I’d deliberately attracted the attention of a crowd of zombies to tear me limb from limb.’
Aldi’s middle aisle sometimes sells an undead uprising survival kit. An Aldi spokesman shuffled forward, murmuring ‘Braaaaiins’.
Categories: Fake News
Covid welcomes relaxation of restrictions on Covid
In a prepared statement, coronavirus has spoke of his relief to be getting out and about after the restrictions on movement were lifted: ‘It’s been a long tough summer. And I haven’t been able to attend as many festivals as I hoped. Vaccines? Well, I’d be lying if I said they made me feel a bit unwelcome. But clearly the relaxed protections mean you missed me all along.’
‘I’m pleased they’ve removed Covid precautions at schools. It’s just great to see all those smiling – maskless – faces. Next, let’s get rid of all that boring hand-washing, okay? I’m particularly grateful to all those businesses that insisted their staff should be onsite – you’ve definitely got your priorities right. I’m just happy to be visiting relatives … your relatives, their relatives, anyone’s relatives really. I’m just a people person.’
Categories: Fake News
Premier League to become giant game of table football
Preparing for the possibility of a second wave of COVID 19, the Premier League has drawn up plans to allow players to remain socially distant on the pitch, by lining them up in rows of three and four, skewering them with a metal pole, and then having them repeatedly spun through 360 degrees towards the ball from the sidelines.
‘It will also be a completely immersive experience for the fans’ explained Premier League chief Richard Masters ‘In the grand tradition of table football, each team will be controlled by a drunken, deluded student who earnestly believes that winning the game will gain him unlimited access to the pants of any girl watching.’
It’s understood that the Premier League evaluated a number of possible options. One official explained ‘Our initial idea was to create a giant game of blow football, but the sheer volume of spittle generated would have been inappropriate in the current climate.’
‘Then we thought about glueing each player to a semi circular base and have fans flick them towards the ball. Unfortunately during a trial run, Harry Kane got trodden on and someone’s dog ate Jamie Vardy so we went with the table football plan instead’
Other sports are also understood to be following suit. Contractors are believed to be digging two enormous grooves into the track at Monza in advance of next week’s Italian Grand Prix. The cars can then be controlled from the pitlane with a sort of mini hairdryer shaped thing before flying off the track and falling to bits at the very first corner.
Categories: Fake News
Afghans call in US airlift for colicky Labrador as Taliban mortar rounds land
Afghan villagers, surrounded and under heavy fire from Taliban extremists, were delighted to hear the steady thrumb of a US Apache helicopter growing ever louder. The noise meant their desperate calls for help had been heard; that someone out there cared, and a heroic rescue mission was in place. The village chief hurried to the cellar of the one stone building, the safest place now that mortar shells were detonating and blasting shrapnel through huddles of women and children.
He dragged the sandbags aside to enter the dark cellar, calling to those gathered within to prepare Snoop for evacuation. Snoop heard his voice, his understanding of the situation evident as he beat the floor with his tail, ears pricked with joy. It had been a tough few days for Snoop; whatever he’d scavenged from the bins behind the school clearly hadn’t agreed with him in a big way – first the retching, then the vomiting, and for the last two days some really evil smelling diarrhoea had left him feeling right off his usual dog biscuits and seriously reluctant to go on anything like his normal walks.
Obviously the whole village were desperately anxious as his motions stubbornly refused to normalise, and he even turned his nose up at some dilute Bovril. Tummy upsets like this became much harder to shake off once Labradors reached advanced years, like the 15-year-old Snoop.
Sturdy, brave tribesmen gathered, resolute and determined, to raise Snoop’s dog crate on a stretcher and race through the falling heavy ordnance to the dusty clearing where the US chopper was screaming in to land. Barely had the landing skids touched the floor they sprinted out with Snoop and bundled his crate aboard into its hold (where, of course, people cannot go). Mere seconds after landing, it lifted off again, the rescue complete; the Afghan villagers all followed its path towards the horizon with tear stained eyes – though they knew that their chances of survival at the hands of the brutal Taliban warlords were negligible, at least Snoop would be in safe hands and that, of course, was the main thing.
Categories: Fake News
Convicted terrorist takes precaution of being white
A Nazi sympathiser who has been convicted of possessing bomb-making instructions and a wealth of racist literature has been sentenced to a severe tutting at Leicester Crown Court. In a savage gesture, the judge was seen to wag his finger at the defendant for several seconds, while sucking on his teeth before suggesting that the defendant engaged in some light reading to think about the naughty things he had done.
Among the suggested classics he may have to read are Dickens, Austen, Hardy and Trollope, who are are all known for including characters of colour and themes of racial reconciliation. One local student said: ‘I have to read Dickens and Austen for my English GCSE. Are you saying I could have got the same punishment for promoting racial hatred and building IEDs?’
Categories: Fake News
Chanel gives up Number 5 for Cristiano Ronaldo
Manchester United forward Edinson Cavani has relinquished the number 7 on the back of his football shirt so that people can recognise the otherwise unrecognisable Cristiano Ronaldo. Without the number 7 beneath the name Ronaldo on his back, many feared they might mistake the world famous Portuguese international footballer for someone else. Thanks to the selfless and heroic gesture by Cavani, any possibility of CR7 brand recognition failure is now limited to Thornton Heath near Croydon.
Inspired by Cavani’s generosity and Boots offering to give up number 7 as well, smelly women-maskers Chanel have now offered the prestigious number 5 to Ronaldo. This has led to a domino effect of numbers being given to the sporting superstar, who many assumed to be suffering from a dangerous digit deficiency. An unnamed mobile phone network has offered the number 3, and toddlers going potty have said that Cristiano can have as many number 2s as he likes. A bitter dispute has escalated between sudoku and the emergency services telephone number over who gets to gift the number 9. But the Redhill to Guildford bus route is certain that Ronaldo will be more impressed with the number 32 than any other digits being handed to him.
Categories: Fake News
Government to introduce new quarantine randomiser
In an attempt to simplify the current quarantine shambles, Westminster has taken the step of abandoning the national definitions, replacing it with an arbitrarily applied quarantine “sentence” at point of entry into the UK. Each individual arriving in the country will be required to spin the Wheel of Misfortune to determine what – if any – isolation action they should undertake, regardless of where their journey started, tell-tale symptoms or CV test results.
“It makes all the administration so much easier” said a government spokesman “We no longer have to track all those troublesome statistics or face the damaging effect on our approval rating of cancelling yet another air-bridge at ridiculously short notice”. When queried about the arbitrary nature of this new policy, he indicated that ‘extensive research’ from the PMs advisors showed that in the long term, the nett effect on the country would be ‘more or less’ minimal, probably.
Under the new scheme, there will be winners and losers : Ahmed, a 31 year old teenage refugee from Libya, freshly arrived at Wittering Sands, was ‘gutted’ to find that he would be facing two weeks isolation in a sea-front hotel in Rhyl : whereas Dave Oldham celebrated wife Karen’s ten-day quarantine in a migrant reception centre with a fist pump and cries of “back on the lash!”
Owners of the Wheel of Fortune game-show franchise are to sue HMG for breach of format and loss of earnings.
Categories: Fake News
Craft brewer comes full circle with beer-flavoured beer
Colin Anderson, craft brewer and head of product development at the ArtisanAle Brewery, has highlighted the constant pressure he and his team have been under to remain on the cutting edge of the ever-expanding craft beer boom. The veritable explosion of craft beers has meant that dark chocolate, coffee, jaffa cakes, oatmeal, peanut butter, creme eggs and flavoured crisps have all had their moments in the spotlight – and, with lagers masquerading as porters, porters pretending to to be dessert toppings and the Wonka-ish ‘roast dinner in a glass’, there is a constant search to provide the next ‘flavour bomb’.
‘When we first looked at the market, fruit decoctions, derivatives and infusions were pretty much played out,’ Anderson said. ‘The Belgians have ploughed through most of the common ones, and anything remotely citrus is a no-brainer. We then starting using herbs and vegetables, including our award-winning Cavolo Nero IPA ‘Kal-El’, but still the wheels keep turning.’
In a desperate bid to remain ahead of the game, he had started randomly grabbing items out of his kitchen cupboards in the hope of generate new flavour combinations – ArtisanAle’s new Marmite and Tamarind Cloudy Pale Ale and Granola Stout both arose from this approach – but this still did not seem to be enough. Unable to rest on his laurels (‘Bay IPA? Been there, got the tee-shirt’), he started to investigate various extreme botanicals, resulting in clashes with the Board over his proposed development of foxglove and hemlock infused sours.
‘This was when I was at my lowest ebb – my pursuit of cutting-edge flavour had overtaken me like a mania,’ Anderson said. ‘Everything I looked at I examined as a potential new taste sensation. Flowers, spices, fabric, furniture, all we’re fair game. It’s only when I found myself pitching a gingham and waxed pine stout to my horrified team that I realised I needed therapy.’
Ten months on and he back with a vengeance – and a new angle. ‘We’ve had citrussy beers, beers for people who don’t like beers, the growth in lambics, gueuze, Mars and faro appealing to a wider audience, but the the largely untouched market is the ‘traditional’ drinkers in this country: the Bass aficionado, the Timothy Taylor toper, the Harveys guzzler and so on. To this end we will be looking at creating a series of classic beer-flavoured beers to tempt this sector. Exciting times…’
Categories: Fake News
Quantum mechanics only for the small minded
Categories: Fake News
Entire UK placed on suicide watch after ABBA release new album
NHS chiefs have raised concerns as the health risk posed by the release of the Swedish pop legends new album reached unprecedented levels.
The government is now scrambling to issue key NHS workers with thousands of tight-fitting spandex face masks.
It’s been over 45 years since the Waterloo virus ran riot through Europe and the S number (Sequin) rose to a record 3.7. It was thought to have been entirely suppressed by 1982, although the Dancing Queen mutation is still occasionally active, with outbreaks mostly confined to wedding receptions.
Pant-suited Professor Hans Andersson, a member of the government’s SPI-M modelling group, said the outlook was terrifyingly bleak. ‘Many people still suffer from “Long Abba” years after being exposed to its many mutations. The particularly infectious Mama Mia musical strain of the virus, for example, hospitalised thousands. All our data suggests that the unfortunate release of this new virus could, I’m afraid, be an extinction-level event.’
Categories: Fake News
iPhone5s buyers directed straight to queue for iPhone6
Excited buyers of Apple’s flagship new iPhone5S in Oxford Street were delighted to be directed straight to an exclusive queue for the iPhone 6 immediately after their purchase.
‘The new iPhone 5S isn’t just the greatest smartphone of all time. It’s also your ticket to get first in line for the new iPhone 6,’ said store manager Damian Walsh, ushering new owners of the £549 gadget to the start of a five-mile obstacle course of tensile barriers on a circuitous route back to the front of the store, which will be their home for the next year. ‘Sure, the queue has no food, shelter, or toilet facilities. But did Steve Jobs stop to worry about those things when he was creating the legend that is Apple?’
Clutching his still-boxed iPhone5S, which cost him half of his month’s salary, Apple devotee Craig Flack commented: ‘Wow! I spent four days queuing in the pouring rain to get my hands on the iPhone5S, but I never dreamed that I’d get the added bonus of being one of the first to queue up to purchase the iPhone 6! Come to think of it, I’m a little embarrassed to be seen with this now outdated model.’ Flack was later seen holding his head in his hands and tossing an unopened white package into a nearby bin, before hurrying off to join the rapidly growing queue, which industry analysts believe will remain in situ for at least the next year while Apple design and manufacture the device.
Asked what he thought about customers who declined the offer to queue up immediately after their purchase for the sixth edition of the iPhone, Walsh commented: ‘Whatever. They’ll be sorry in two months’ time when the screen on their iPhone5S has cracked, their apps are no longer supported and the battery life has reduced to half an hour. Then we’ll see how cool they look with their so called ‘smartphones’. Dickheads.’
Categories: Fake News
ITV 2 in highbrow archaeology show shock
Media experts have been left reeling today after ITV 2 announced it is to commission and broadcast a new show that will examine famous archaeological sites and what we learnt from them.
A channel spokesman said: ‘We thought we’d try something a little different as an experiment. Some say it’s time to spread our wings and grow up as a broadcaster.’
But twenty something couple Jayden and Shaneece Reece from Tooting aren’t happy at the prospect of watching a programme that’s neither a docusoap nor “reality” show on their channel of choice.
‘We like fings like TOWIE and Made in Chelsea, yeah? We don’t know naffink about Egyptian mummies and old Romans ruins, and that,’ said Shaneece. ‘Although if the show’s makers could guarantee lots of tits and bums somehow and maybe introduce a phone-in voting system I’d be up for giving it a go,’ added Jayden.
However ITV 2 has been quick to reassure its core audience the normal torrent of tasteless and tawdry shite will still make up 99.99% of the channels output.
‘I can assure our viewers that we are not about to go all arty-farty and highbrow on them. This is something we are trying, just to ring the changes and maybe help keep Ofcom at bay,’ said the spokesman.
‘In addition to the new archaeology show we have commissioned a new 8-part series in the Autumn called, When Cock Enlargements and Arse Implants Go Wrong, scheduled to hit the screens in the run up to Christmas.’
Categories: Fake News
Now that’s what I call dancing… gov, vol 1.
Get Down ‘n’ Load the new app NOW THATS WHAT I CALL DANCING…GOV! Vol 1. From K-Tel, dedicated to the Grand Master Duchy of Dance..the Aberdeen Ace himself, Michael the Move Gove… featuring all the grooves to get you moving shapes like the maestro himself featuring.
Gove on a Mountain Top, Goving on Up Goving on Down, Hot Gove, A Whole Lotta of Gove, Crazy Little Thing Called Gove, Radar Gove and I Want to Know What Gove Is?
And featuring Michael’s very own personal favourite, the fabulous Chi Lites disco classic ‘Stoned out of My Mind’ and many more attributed to the suited and booted love god, soon to be new face of M&S Menswear.
Although it looks as if the album’s not going to be hit with everyone. A spokesman for No. 10 commented: ‘Well Michael’s attempts to get down with the kids are all very fine, but he looks rather sad. Some colleagues have suggested it’s a pity he didn’t choose to include the Robert Knight classic, Gove on a Mountain Top, as pretty much to a man, they regarded it might be the best place for him for the next few weeks.’
Categories: Fake News
Snooker game ‘fixed to make it interesting’
Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting.
The head of The World Snooker Federation, Barry Lynton, said: ‘We have taken disciplinary action against Stephen ‘The Bore from Saddlemore’ Dee and Stephen ‘Less exciting than Sidcup’ Mee, after we found overwhelming evidence that they had been paid a considerable amount of money by a mysterious gang, known only as The Audience, to make their recent match interesting.
‘We were first made aware of this situation when we had complaints from viewers that they were unable to sleep through a match which was being broadcast at 10.30 pm. Having watched a recording of it, we found our attention rivetted by the clever play, the unusual tactics and the unexpected twists and turns in the match. We therefore have no choice but to ban these played from playing snooker for the rest of their lives.’
A spokesman for the players, Stephen ‘The Doze from Montrose’ Tee, said: ‘Wake me up when it’s all over.’
Categories: Fake News
