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BBC Thought Police order all staff to stop thinking nasty things about Boris
Right Wing Tory acolyte & Director General of the BBC, Tim Davie, has issued detailed orders in a last ditch attempt to adjust the left leaning bias of the corporation. He’s been politely told by Government advisors to realign its current radical anarchist approach, to a more totalitarian, North Korean style regime.
Davie admitted that all journalists, newsreaders and presenters will be fitted with electrodes attached to their genitals.
’This will administer a severe electric shock whenever someone thinks of something beastly and unpleasant about Boris’, he thundered, ‘or all my other Conservative mates who I went to Cambridge with.’
So if you see dear, dear Laura Kuenssberg, standing outside Parliament with her hair burning and standing on end, you know she’s taking the consequences for all those evil, unbalanced, Pro-Marxist, Anti-Brexit, Anti-incompetence thoughts she’s been hiding down her bra.’
Categories: Fake News
Brits stockpiling their own breath in empty pickle jars
The UK government has told the public not to rush out and buy petrol. Which is code for ‘selfish BoJo apologists: panic and get down to your petrol station immediately, or be a total loser who missed out’.
The combination of previously stockpiled toilet paper gathering breezeblock dust in garages alongside rusty Jerry cans sploshed with hastily squirted petrol dribbles, does suggest that there might be an explosive flurry of eruptions in your road if you select the correct bedroom window vantage point and give it a short while. OOh and aah.
But it’s not just what Americans call gas which is a looming threat to British society. It has been roundly refuted that there is a shortage of pretty much every gas GCSE science holders can name. Somehow there is at the same time both an oversupply and undersupply of carbon dioxide, which is a testament to just how fast and how impressively this government can completely bollocks up the country.
Clever sausages up and down the land, however, have been breathing into empty gherkin jars. They are at the same time engaging in carbon capture, and providing a future stockpile of their own carbon dioxide which will soon be worth a bomb.
In an unfortunate mix-up at number 47, Jeremy Howard unscrewed the lid of an unlabelled jar to expel his held breath into. But it turned out to be a jar previously used for personal methane collection. Jeremy is said to be in a stable but sour-faced condition.
Categories: Fake News
OED announces that the Collective Noun for Lorry Drivers is “A Lack”. More soon
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Categories: Fake News
Netflix buy Roald Dahl’s books so rich corporations can get a happy ending
The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.
‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’
With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.
Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted… BFG… Big F$ckin Greed’
Categories: Fake News
Studios in bidding war for movie rights to Starmer’s ‘essay’
Leaked copies of Sir Keir’s conference speech have ignited interest in Hollywood, with producers desperate to tell the powerful story of one man’s struggle against popularity, trapped inside Tony Blair’s an$s. The tag line is – ‘They asked for policies. He gave them Brylcreem’.
Titled ‘The road ahead – asleep at the wheel’, the essay is taken from a conversation Keir had with his SUV’s satnav. The sweeping narrative of one man going round in circles because he only turns right. One man, one vision, one man, 000.1% of one vote.
His agent confirmed that Keir is set to be played anyone, as long as they are not called Keith. There were concerns that Starmer had plagiarised David Cameron’s manifesto but transpires Cameron had copied his from a fortune cookie. Already a sequel is planned, with the working title ‘Starmer: My life in the House of Lords’.
Categories: Fake News
Husband awarded MBE for twice-annual laundry service
A married man from Richmond-Upon-Thames is reported to be ‘overjoyed’ with the news that his biannual laundry contribution towards the household chores is to be recognised in the New Years Honours List.
‘After years of my wife asking if I want a medal for putting my own laundry in the machine, it is a privilege to finally have my efforts acknowledged in this way,’ said Mark Slade MBE. ‘But I feel I share this award with every man who has ever actually ironed his own shirt, occasionally cleaned the ring off the bath or made it home in time to put the kids to bed for the first time in months. Here’s to you, guys.’
Mr Slade’s wife Alison was quick to commend her husband’s achievements, although accepts that talk of a third laundry load in the Spring when she goes to hospital for scheduled knee surgery may be the excited hyperbole of a giddy winner.
Categories: Fake News
‘Tears of hungry children will help fill my swimming pool’ Chancellor promises parents
Chancellor Rishi Sunak has assured worried parents of hungry children that their bedtime tears will not be shed in vain. A Treasury spokesman explained: ‘When children go to bed hungry it inevitably ends in tears, what child wouldn’t cry if it hadn’t eaten a proper meal for over 24 hours. But what better way could there be than to put those hunger tears to good use, then topping up the Chancellor’s pool?
‘And with the proposed £20 cut in benefits we will undoubtedly see even more tears in future. We’ve also asset stripped the companies their parents used to work for, so it’s a huge saving for the tax-payer, and Mr. Sunak’s water bill.
‘So, if parents will simply gather their children’s tears in a bottle and send to RISHI’S POOL, Kirby Sigston Manor, Northallerton, second class post will be adequate. First class post would be 85p and that’s probably all you have to spend each day on food for the kiddies, we might be many things but we’re not monsters.
‘I know lots of parents will be shedding tears too, but please, can you keep it to just your children’s tears, apparently the fatty oils contained in a child’s teardrop are good for your skin’.
Categories: Fake News
Chicken-runners smuggling KFC into Auckland caught licky-fingered
Strict laws regarding access to takeaways in New Zealand have led to organised gangs running illegal KFC hot rods into Auckland. But in a successful police swoop, flutter and cluck, 12 herbs and spices with a street value of not all that much really have been seized.
The Serious Crimes Squad Chief based at Old Zealand Yard said, ‘The criminals were highly organised and very clever. They evaded detection by not shipping the food in buckets. But a tip off pointed to illicit activity, and when one of our investigators licked the index finger of that point, we knew we were hot on the trail of something tasty.
‘We conducted an operation codenamed Zinger Stinger, which employed the use of highly untrained sniffer cats. We found a lot of dodgy fish in a lot of dodgy bins, and there was a setback when the sniffer squad dispersed and couldn’t be rounded up. But eventually we had a breakthrough and were back on the trail. Literally a trail of discarded hot wings bones.
‘An officer operating undercover informed us that a particular vehicle he was tracking smelled gorgeous. We put a tail on it – an actual tail, so that we wouldn’t lose it in heavy traffic. That vehicle led us straight to the gang leader who we believe was operating under an alias as The Colonel. After removing her white beard, there was no doubt that this was our biggest ever bust. She denied everything of course, but there were too many sauces on her.’
Police are now said to be intensively investigating an unspecified number of fries.
Categories: Fake News
Librarian of the Year Award in chaos after winner asks noisy audience to leave
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Categories: Fake News
Nationwide candle shortage after Government assurance of no power cuts
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Categories: Fake News
HS2 has ‘no end in sight’? Surely some sort of platform would work?
The never-ending railway development, is set to last longer than re-runs of ‘Friends’. Tracks continue to be laid for no other reason than they were there, a bit like Uni students at Fresher’s Week.
An oversight by planners have seen the project overrun, literally, with tracks now covering three fifths of the Earth’s surface. Confessed one contractor: ‘We were supposed to terminate at Euston Station but instead we kept going. Currently we are somewhere near the Suez Canal and not one buffet cart in sight.
‘At the other end, skipping Birmingham proved popular with our focus groups, but now we don’t know where to stop. Wales is too wet and the Irish sea is…well, too wet.’ Asked if she thought the project would be delayed further: ‘The upside of a track that never ends, is there aren’t enough leaves to cover it’.
Categories: Fake News
‘I own the van and my mum washes the kit,’ Rooney reminds team-mates
Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.
‘Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend?’ Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. ‘Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether I’m actually playing.’
‘I guess little Marcus Rashford could take you all,’ continued Rooney. ‘Oh, except he hasn’t taken his driving test yet, has he? Zlatan could drive you in his Volvo, but it’ll mean a few trips. A real selection dilemma for the boss, isn’t it? Oh and Chris, give my love to your granny won’t you? … Never mind why, just do it.’
‘Might as well take your dirty kit home with you too today,’ added Rooney, pursing his lips. ‘My mum won’t be able to wash it anymore, if I’m not involved. I love those Summer Fresh conditioner tablets she’s been using recently, don’t you? Won’t matter so much for you Pogba, as you don’t make any tackles, but for everyone else – well, I’m sure you’ll sort something out.’
Rooney also announced that a number of other team activities could be under threat if he wasn’t playing. These include his popular annual trip to Chessington Wold of Adventure, regular sleepovers and playdates at his house and his legendary funded trips to the sweet shop near their Carrington training ground, nicknamed ‘Wagon Wheels with Wayne’ by fellow players.
Jose Mourinho responded by suggesting that Rooney needs to adapt to the inexorable passage of years and expand his portfolio of activities. ‘If he wants to continue to pull in a big salary he needs to take on more media work, perhaps?’ suggested the Special One. ‘A legend from Merseyside, interested in dough and making a decent crust, still good in short bursts for an hour a week during the Autumn season? I hear the Great British Bake Off may have some opportunities.’
Categories: Fake News
CO2 Shortage: Government urges people to breathe out more and breathe in less
The fizzy drinks industry can breathe more easily thanks to the latest plans to solve the carbon dioxide crisis, which has meant millions have gone without their fizzy pop thanks to a shortage of nose-tickling bubbles.
Dr A Pepper, an expert in fizzy-ology explained: ‘The current shortage is due to people breathing unfairly. If people would only breathe out at least double the amount they breathed in, then we could squirt more CO2 into bags containing limp salad and make your Cherry Cola (*sings C-O-L-A COLA) as burp-worthy as it was in the good old days. Trouble is breathing in feels good, but everyone knows breathing out causes marital strife due to garlic, onions and curry, so people do it less.’
C02 is also used in the meat industry to stun animals before slaughter. The animals are told that trees breathe out oxygen and breathe in CO2. Animals that understand this surprising apparent reversal of nature are so stunned they don’t notice the sudden appearance of a bloody great bolt gun and go to their maker wondering if they could take GCSE biology.
In an unconnected development famers in Denmark have invented the self-barbecuing cow. The methane connected at the entrance and exit of the bovine alimentary canal is stored in a basic BBQ set up under the cow itself. Once enough gas has been collected the apparatus ignites automatically and the cow is cooked in its own emissions.
Categories: Fake News
Clerical error leads to Labour Party suspending ‘disbelief’
Having suspended thousands of party members, many in error, the Labour Party has targeted the abstract concept of ‘Disbelief’. This means being banned from the annual conference, despite other attendees including Boredom, Hypocrisy and Dumbf$ckery.
Unconfirmed reports that even suspenders have been suspended; said one member: ‘We have had to remove a set of bright red bracers for their support of trousers and of Palestinian rights’.
Party leaders have worked out that their best route to electoral success, is getting rid of all the membership, polices and the whiff of democracy. Said one executive: ‘And if only we can work out a way to ban all the voters as well…’
Categories: Fake News
Afghan translators concerned about spam emails
With the release of 250 email addresses of former Afghan translators by the MoD, many are living in fear of being targeted by spammers, phisheres and other nefarious abusers of online abuse. ‘I’ve emailed the Taliban to see if they can’t do something about it,’ said one one former translator who wished to remain anonymous (number forty-one on the list). ‘It was bad enough when the MoD issued us with mobile phones and published the numbers – I don’t even know what PPI is, let alone think I’ve been mis-sold it,’ said another un-named translator (number two hundred and two on the list, just below Ahmed Khali, who also asked to for his identity to be kept secret).
The MoD has apologised for ‘a slightly inconvenient release of data’ but has stressed it has kept most of the information pertinent to the translators secret – such as if and when they will be repatriated and where they can redeem their Nectar points if they don’t get to leave Afghanistan.
Categories: Fake News
