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Government planning to delay Covid enquiry ‘because we’re still screwing up’
Sources close to Downing Street have confirmed that the ‘smug start date’ for the Covid enquiry, originally scheduled for early 2022 on the basis that the mistakes, cock-ups and sheer blatant awarding of worthless contracts to chums would be a distant memory amid a pandemic that nobody could really recall, would need to be postponed ‘at least a year’.
Acknowledging that by the planned start date of the enquiry the country will be in lockdown four, having screwed up lockdown three by waiting just three weeks longer than the experts suggested, again, and will probably be in full swing with worthless (to the country) contracts being awarded to ministers’ neighbours, friends and pets for eye watering amounts for stuff nobody will ever use.
A spokesman claimed there was a ‘real supply problem’ in that they were running out of chums to supply contracts to. ‘If this goes on for much longer we’ll have to start giving contracts to people we don’t even know,’ he admitted today.
Categories: Fake News
‘I’m definitely honest – trust me on that,’ says Starmer with a cheeky wink.
Having gone on TV to explain that he would ditch any promise he made, in order to get elected, voters might be forgiven for thinking that Sir Keir has only a passing relationship with the truth. Delegates at the recent Labour conference were offput by the sight of Sir Keir making further pledges, with his fingers crossed. Said one delegate: ‘I don’t know who to trust? He says his name is Keir, but everyone else calls him Keith’.
Promising McDonalds’ workers £15 an hour, than instructing Andy McDonald to forbid it, was confusing – partly because of the broken commitment but mainly because everyone in the story was called McDonald.
A psychologist explained: ‘The odd thing is that no one asks him to make these pledges in the first place, he just seems to like breaking them – it’s sort of kinky. It’s like cheating on your spouse at the dinner table. He seems to get a thrill from being caught’.
An aide defended the beleaguered leader: ‘Keir is as honest as the day is long. Which is why Labour is proposing to help workers, with a new one-hour week’.
Categories: Fake News
‘Look, petrol is still 0.1p cheaper than next penny up’, notes optimist
The petrol crisis isn’t as bad as it could be, as the price per litre is still a tenth of a penny below the next penny up, thanks to the benevolence of profit-making oil companies, noted a man today.
‘People should look on the bright side’, said Pete McBride, looking out of the window of his Ford Focus in a queue on the lead up to his local Esso garage. ‘The price per litre is still only 136.9, no wait, 137.9. People should thank their lucky stars that ‘big oil’ isn’t taking everyone for a ride by rounding the price up to the next penny every time they increase it. Look, 139.9.’
‘They’ve held the line for us, throughout, the big multinationals with their 0.9 thing’, continued McBride. ‘Even now that we’re facing the prospect of only being able to afford an eggcup of unleaded once a fortnight, you have to take your hat off to these oligopolists. They could easily just cream in the profits by nudging the price up another 0.1p but they never do. See, it’s 141.9 now. Still looking out for the little guy. Respect to them. ’
‘The only problem is the time it takes people to pay. People are always fumbling around in their car seat wells for some 0.9 coins to pay with – they’re in such short supply’, said McBride. ‘Luckily I’ve perfected my forecourt technique so I manage to dispense to a full pence unit every time, I’ve actually never once ended up with 0.9 to pay’.
Categories: Fake News
No one in any doubt Westminster can assist with Northern Ireland clown shortage
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Categories: Fake News
Hedgehogs prepared for yet another winter lockdown
With autumn now upon us, hedgehogs across the UK are being asked to self-isolate for up to six months. Hedgehog Professor Giles Sonic said: ‘No doubt there’s a bumpy road ahead, but we need to flatten the curve and avoid another spike.’
Lake District housewife Mrs Tiggy-Winkle said that her family had faced this sort of lockdown many times before and were used to self isolating. On the prickly subject of stockpiling, she had been gathering material for some time. ‘I’ve been making a pile which leaves me comfortable. There’s enough grub on the table, and I can curl up with a discarded Chris Packham paperback. I think we need an exit strategy, though. It’s a wake-up call.’
Professor Sonic conceded this point, but concluded: ‘We’ll go under that bridge when we come to it.’
Categories: Fake News
Cast of It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum to take charge of petrol crisis.
After announcing that the army is to help resolve the fuel crisis, Grant Shapps, has confirmed that the concert party from 1970s BBC sitcom It Ain’t Half hot, Mum will be taking an active role.
The fact that most of the cast have now died does not seem to be of any concern to Mr Shapps, who is convinced that they are the best men for the job. The Royal Artillery Concert Party, will be responsible for the logistical planning and delivery of fuel to service stations all over the country, whilst simultaneously providing entertainment for queueing motorists.
A new version of the song “Meet the Gang” will be played on giant screens on the forecourts. La De Dah Gunner Graham will play piano while Melvyn Hayes, dressed as Greta Garbo, will soothe angry customers by dancing seductively around them with a feather boa and winking seductively.
Holograms of Don Estelle and Windsor Davies will sing a new version of their 1975 hit, “Whispering Grass”, now titled “Rationing Gas”, with Davies occasionally asking motorists “to show them lovely shoulders”.
A Labour spokesman claims the idea was stolen from them, citing the successful scheme last year when the cast of Are You Being Served delivered truckloads of pasta and toilet rolls to most of the UK’s major supermarkets.
Categories: Fake News
You can return to the office- you just won’t have the petrol to get home
Reports suggest that fuel shortages are part of a wider strategy to ensure the UK’s workers remain at their desks. Other policies to ensure you stay at work include hiding your shoes, locking all the doors and putting superglue on your keyboard.
A government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Petrol rationing will allow you to get into the office, but no further. Once you’ve arrived, large elastic bands will be tied to the back of your vehicle. Your tires will be let down. And we’ll be hurling your car keys into a nearby canal.’
To stop workers demanding flexible working hours, the government is bringing in inflexible travel conditions: ‘Ever wondered why offices have their lights on at night, it’s to fool you into thinking it’s still daytime. A shortage of petrol? After sleeping in office for a week, I’d be more worried about a shortage of socks’.
Categories: Fake News
Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw
As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.
“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”
The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.
“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”
Categories: Fake News
Army to machine-gun turkeys to help avert Christmas shortage
Following news that the army has been drafted in to deliver fuel to resolve supply issues at UK forecourts, it has emerged that the army will also be used to help prevent a shortage of Christmas turkeys by massacring the birds with machine-gun fire.
Farmers have warned that a turkey shortage is on the Christmas cards due to visa changes, allowing recruitment from abroad, coming too late. The idea of sending in the army to help assuage problem came to the Prime Minister when actioning a memo to deliver another raft of swingeing cuts to the military.
Head of the British Army, General Ignatius Fortesque-Smythe said the ideas was, “Top drawer.”
“My boys will attend poultry farms up and down the country and give each of the birds five rounds-rapid. That’ll show the feathery blighters.” Enthused the General. “We could even set up specialist platoons known as the Turkhas who will help us save Christmas this year but can then be treated appallingly for many years to come.
“We also have the option of calling in air strikes from the RAF, a nice dose of napalm would cater for all those lazy oiks who like their Turkey pre-cooked. Or alternatively, using modern methods, they could kill two birds with one drone, thought that might take longer.”
Labour have warned that the move could put unnecessary strain on dentists over the festive period with bullets found in turkey breasts damaging revellers’ teeth. The profession already struggles with Christmas workloads, mainly due to the toffee penny in boxes of Quality Street.
The government are also said to be giving thought to supplying each UK household with a festive sledgehammer for help with cracking their Christmas nuts…
Categories: Fake News
Ventnor man fails to acknowledge acknowledgement of traffic courtesy
Isle of Wight police were last night trying to track down a motorist who failed to acknowledge a local man’s acknowledgement of the other driver’s previous acknowledgement of his thoughtful act whilst driving.
The incident took place at around 3pm in St Martin’s Way, Ventnor. Local driver Trevor Blake, who had been heading east in his Kia Picanto when he saw a large saloon approaching from the opposite direction, said: ‘There was a removal van parked on my side, so I pulled to a brief stop in order to let the other driver pass. It was nothing really, it just made sense at the time. The other driver raised his hand in acknowledgement – I believe we also made eye contact – and I lifted I think four fingers off the steering wheel to indicate that I’d seen and appreciated his acknowledgement.’
And that’s when the trouble started. ‘I kept an eye out for the response to my expression of thanks for his gratitude, which was heartfelt and genuine, but there was nothing. He effectively blanked me. Even when we were side by side, when he had plenty of opportunity to give a friendly wave or even wind down the window to convey his appreciation verbally, perhaps with a cheery admonition to enjoy my day, he just stared resolutely ahead. I was shaking with rage. At the next safe stopping place I used my mobile telephone to contact the police.’
At a hastily convened press conference, Chief Superintendent Nick Hampton of the Isle of Wight police said that, while acknowledgements of acknowledgements of acknowledgements of driving courtesies weren’t a legal requirement in most of the UK, the law was different in the Isle of Wight. ‘The process of giving thanks for thanks can continue for many hours in the polite roads and avenues around the island. We completely understand Mr Blake’s sense of loss and we have officers with him now assuring him that our search for the culprit will continue for as long as it takes. Mr Blake thanked us for our efforts, and our officers in turn thanked him for drawing the matter to our attention. Mr Blake then kindly acknowledged our response, and I believe the officers are currently expressing their appreciation of Mr Blake’s recognition of our efforts.’
With that, the press conference drew to a close. The Chief Inspector thanked the members of the press for turning up at such short notice. ‘No, thank YOU,’ said one.
Categories: Fake News
Every Christmas to be ‘saved’ by Boris ad infinitum
Downing Street insiders have confirmed that Britain is to be subjected to an avoidable crisis every Autumn so that Boris can continue to ‘save’ Christmas for the nation.
“It’s a new Christmas tradition”, explained a Conservative spokesman. “The Victorians gave us trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution. The modern Conservative Party has added Boris Rescue to the traditions, while continuing with trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution.
“Boris and Father Christmas are already confused in people’s minds. We’ve developed artwork for a Santa with unruly blond hair and an erection. Instead of leaving mince pies and carrots by the fireplace we’re asking people to leave their teenage daughters. Could Boris impregnate them all in one night? Possibly – it’s only be a slight increase on his usual pace”.
Children will continue to write letters to Santa, though instead of toys they should ask for food.
Next year’s crisis is still at the planning stage. Civil servants are drawing up plans to have all the turkeys abducted, though they would welcome suggestions from the public.
“The ideal crisis is something entirely foreseeable and manageable, which we can somehow make 1,000% worse through a combination of poor communication and ministerial cretinism”, the spokesman explained. “It’s an inversion of the traditional role of government, which hitherto has been to make things better for the nation”.
News editors have welcomed the plan, as it will relieve the tedium of having to make up a headline once a year.
Categories: Fake News
Traumatised shopper forced to use Lidl
A customer was left distraught after trying to complete their weekly grocery shop in a discount retailer instead of their usual supermarket due to the hordes of people waiting to fill up their cars. Mrs Hart decided that, rather than wait patiently in the queue to get into Sainsbury’s, she would shop in Lidl in order to give herself enough time to get to her pilates class later that morning. She now regrets that decision.
‘Before going in, I tried to make myself look working class by putting on the hi-vis waistcoat that I always carry in my Yaris in case of a breakdown’, explained Mrs Hart. ‘But I stood out a mile amongst all the horrid women in leggings that really shouldn’t be wearing leggings with their figures’.
Even accepting that she would probably be unable to get her usual superfood salads and kale-flavoured couscous, Mrs Hart was nevertheless disappointed that she was unable to discuss the relative merits of Iberico ham and prosciutto di Parma with the deli counter staff, primarily because there wasn’t a deli counter.
‘I saved quite a lot of money compared to my usual household bill but only because I couldn’t lower myself to buying pies instead of chicken and ham en croute, or pasta in tomato sauce instead of penne con pomodoro e basilico’, said Mrs Hart. ‘Some people might think they’re the same thing but my usual food emporium assures me that I’d be able to taste the difference’.
Categories: Fake News
NASA rover discovers Starbucks on Mars
NASA’s Perseverance rover has discovered a Starbucks coffee shop on the surface of Mars, in the clearest indication yet that the red planet has been home to life willing to pay ridiculous prices for hot drinks.
“This is a startling discovery that proves Mars has hosted life. And not just any life, but life intelligent enough to take a cup of coffee, give it a fancy name and charge an extortionate price for it in order to exploit less intelligent life.” said Ken Farley, chief scientist for the project.
“Unfortunately this may well be where our mission ends, as Perseverance, in an attempt to secure samples, purchased a Venti caramel java chip frappuccino and a small chocolate brownie, pushing us massively over budget.”
A spokesman for Starbucks explained that, while they were not personally aware of the company having locations on other planets, the news was not a surprise.
“Perseverance landed on Mars around seven months ago. In line with our aggressive expansion policy I would expect at least one or two new stores to have opened up there in that time. The only real shock is that it has taken this long for it to find one.”
Shortly after discovering Starbucks the rover also sent back images of a Costa, McDonald’s and four separate Subway stores.
Categories: Fake News
Gym advertises for fat bloke to talk b*@locks in the sauna
An Edinburgh gym and spa club is looking to recruit an over-opinionated morbidly obese man to talk complete shit in the sauna, steam room and Jacuzzi after the previous incumbent retired.
The post is being advertised with an annual salary of £25K though the successful candidate will be expected to tell fellow sauna users that he earns at least 10 times that amount and lives in a big house in the same street as JK Rowling.
‘Ideally we’re looking for someone with previous experience of sitting in a high-temperature environment wearing only a towel or a pair of Speedos pontificating loudly about Brexit, Trump, Nicola Sturgeon and whatever else comes to mind’ says Aquarius Gym & Spa manager Fenton Barnes.
‘The chap that held the post previously, ‘Big Davie’, was with us for 15 years and retired last month because he wanted to spend more time talking bollocks to his family. He’s left behind some pretty big trunks to fill’.
Club member Frank Hughes says ‘Big Davie’ is being sorely missed.
‘It’s just not the same going into the sauna and Davie not being there taking up half the bench and talking loudly about how we’ve got our country back before loudly slamming the door behind him’, says Hughes.
‘I don’t mind telling you that there were grown men with tears rolling down their cheeks. Though it could just have been sweat, it gets quite hot in there’.
Categories: Fake News
Panicked Kier Starmer stockpiling Labour members
Sir Kier Starmer is stockpiling Labour members after fears of a leadership shortage in the party.
Reports of a lack of leadership in the party have circulated for a couple of years, but the shortage is said to have reached crisis point, with sources suggesting that the Labour leader has turned to storing his own supplies in a large venue in Brighton.
However, sceptics have suggested that the crisis is manufactured. “In fact, there is plenty of leadership in the Labour Party”, said one insider. “Leaders of the hard left faction, the moderate left faction, the centrist faction, the neo-Blairite faction, Momentum, the moderate right faction and loads of trade union leaders.”
“People also talk about there being a shortage of an effective opposition at the moment and that is nonsense as well,” the party insider added. “Most of these factions oppose each other – in fact, many of them actually oppose Sir Kier’s leadership”.
The news comes as a blow, on the back of widely publicised shortages of policies within the Labour Party. Whilst many brilliant, revolutionary policies are reported to exist, they frustratingly remain sealed and locked securely in air-tight containers, stacked up in a far-distant warehouse in La-La Land.
“It’s all about blockages in the supply chain”, said one insider. ” Policies keep getting stuck in the party bureaucratic machinery, and there’s no-one competent enough to present them to to an enraptured public at conference anyway, in order for us to inevitably complete a massive landslide victory in the next general election”.
Political experts urged members of the public to remain calm, and that they expect the supply of Labour members around the UK and policies to normalise somewhat over the coming days, as Starmer’s leadership continues to stagger slowly along.
StanleyMizaru and Titus
Categories: Fake News
First rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don’t talk about Labour Party Conference
Someone found out there was a thing called a Labour Party Conference taking place. But it was completely accidental and only when their usual Brighton hotel shagpit was double booked as a storage room for sixty boxes of hard-hitting misspelled leaflets.
Hot on the case of what this mysterious event was all about, we sent an undercover investigative journalist to infiltrate the conference. Using a secret code developed at Luton College of Strings and Things, this report was filed hidden in a series of beautifully crafted but highly inedible angel cakes. Many Bothans completely survived unscathed to bring us this information:
Apparently, the first rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don’t talk about Labour Party Conference. The second rule of Labour Party Conference is that it’s probably OK to talk about Labour Party Conference because most people zone out the moment they hear the word Labour. The third rule of Labour Party Conference is that you wedge an axe through the handles of the double doors, and ignore the very existence of the general voting public outside and everything they think.
It appears to be profoundly important that Labour people have this massive pointless slagging match, until there is just one husk of a person left standing. It is then the job of that one bedraggled person to oppose government, get the last feeble Labour message out to the entire UK public, and somehow convince voters that Labour still exist as a political entity come the next election.
But rather than use their last remaining energy to hold the Conservative Party to account, the eighty third rule of Labour Party Conference is that the last person standing has to argue against themselves about whether they should argue against themselves.
On the face of it, it seems like an awful lot of effort for no gain whatsoever. But leading left wing strategists have strokeybeard hypothesised that this might be an extremely clever way of absolutely ensuring that the Labour Party always takes an insignificant position on anything voters might be interested in.
Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone this. Or do. Makes no odds either way.
Categories: Fake News
“I’m not panic buying, I’m filling up while I can” says panic buyer
A motorist queueing to fill his already three quarters full tank has slammed panic buyers, while insisting he is simply taking the sensible precaution of filling up while he can, because of all the panic buying.
“With all of this panic buying going on I don’t know when my local fuel station will have diesel again, so thought I should top up now.” said Wayne Riley, without a trace of irony.
“Sure I’m not planning on doing any long journeys, I work from home, have Tesco deliver my shopping and travel an average of fifteen miles per week, but you never know do you?” continued Riley, who is definitely not one of these selfish people needlessly rushing out to buy fuel.
“It really knocks your faith in humanity when you see how everybody is just ‘me, me, me’ at the first sign of a problem.” he concluded, while filling a third jerry can and putting it in the boot alongside the hundred toilet rolls that are still there from last spring.
Categories: Fake News
