Feed aggregator
Waitrose will unpack your ‘smug’ while you’re out
Waitrose is to test a delivery service which will allow customers to experience all their innate superiority over their neighbours, without any of the tiresome waving of artisan cheese under their nose. Instead, the driver will unpack your priggishness and gnocchi, while you can enjoy a night at the theatre or an introductory lute-making class.
Drivers will gain access to your property (via the servant’s entrance) and carefully unload your over-priced snobbishness, from bags made from recycled conceit. Just in case your neighbours are away, the driver will nail your shopping list to their door, using vintage cast iron nail and a gluten-free baguette.
The driver will wear a body camera, allowing envious locals to view your wondrous array of halloumi, charcuterie and ricotta – which are coincidently the names of your children. Even neighbour’s pets will be left impressed by your dog’s tinned tofu treats, accompanied by doggy crudités and avocado flavoured chorizo.
One shopper explained: ‘I’m obviously a better person, but I need you to know that as well. It’s not enough that I voted Remain and can name more than one type of mustard. Everyone needs to know their place – in my case, it’s plaice with pea purée, served asparagus and not a nectar point in sight’.
Categories: Fake News
Scrapping traffic light system will cause carnage, warns AA
Abandoning the UK’s traffic light travel system, in place since 1868, could put drivers at risk, says the leading motoring organisation.
Under the new rules, motorists won’t be required to stop anywhere. It means that fully vaccinated drivers will no longer have to pull over in red list cities such as Birmingham and risk being infected by a virulent local dialect.
Audi drivers such as Nigel Palmer, 43, from Bromley, broadly welcomed the move: ‘I’ll miss running red lights, of course, but it means we can still carry on not stopping at pelican crossings, even when there are kiddies about, which is great news.’
A government spokesman explained that the old system was not fit for purpose and was in dire need of an overhaul. ‘It was a highly confusing system. All that red, red and amber, amber, green nonsense just stopped hard-working people going about their business. It can now go back to Brussels, where it belongs.’
The President of the National Association of Cyclists didn’t see what all the fuss was about, simply asking: ‘What on earth are traffic lights?’
Categories: Fake News
“Celebrity HGV Driver” programme may solve government crisis
Major broadcasters plan to come to the aid of the government by tapping into an endless supply of celebs that will do simply anything to have their faces on TV again, by helping solve the country’s HGV driver shortage.
A plethora of has-beens have been taking the simplified HGV test, before showing their skills behind the wheel.
Producers of the programme have been tight lipped about the content, but have revealed that there were a few issues while filming. One hopeless celeb laughed as they delivered a tipper load of topsoil to a filling station on the M4. Another walked off the set after dropping some Toyota radiators at a Nissan factory. There was even a case of 20 tons of prime beef being delivered to a vegan wholesaler.
‘Some of the celebs seemed to struggle with the bastard gear changes of a Foden S20′, said one lorry driver, brought in as a consultant expert on the programme. ‘But those who got the Scania R420 just had a smug look on their faces – understandably so, its a dream of a ride.’
An ex model/reality star, who broke several of her nails fixing the sewerage extraction pipes to the pump of her clapped out Volvo F86, said the last straw came after she had not been supplied with pink protective gloves with a feathery trim. The unnamed star was last heard shouting the soon to be famous programme catchphrase: “I’m a celebrity, get me out of the layby on the A404!” .
Categories: Fake News
Leaves on line to be removed by dry ice and Legs & Co
Evoking a feel of 1970’s pyrotechnics, National Rail will be using dry ice to remove obstructions and introduce a song by Slade. It will also help conceal any rises in fares, through a mystical display of light, sound and share dividends.
The dry ice will make any leaves brittle but also cover up the transition between bands and the worst excesses of platform shoes. Rail firms had considered using other elements from Top of the Pops to clear the lines, but trials of DJ Jimmy Saville ended up clearing all the younger commuters, instead.
One driver explained: ‘It’s very exciting. As I approach the platform through the swirling mist, you don’t know if I’m the 7.52 from Paddington or Suzi Quatro’.
Categories: Fake News
Your new boss is too much to bear after just two weeks
After having given him the benefit of the doubt for a fortnight you have come to the conclusion that your new boss is definitely a moron and that now you will have to look for a new job.
You were hoping that he wouldn’t be, especially as he seemed to be ‘not a bad sort’ when he interviewed you along with that pointlessly bland HR woman who constantly referred to herself as the HR person. Sadly now your hopes have been dashed as you’d trust (call me) Andy’s judgment about as much as you’d trust a particularly intellectually challenged amoeba as your phone a friend on Millionaire.
Why? Well it’s mostly down to the endless stream of emails he sends out to you and the others in the team. He can’t form a cohesive sentence, his punctuation is dire and as for his spelling… does he ever check his spelling before hitting the send button?
The final straw came today when he sent this – ‘so from Monday and in line with our new lets all eat healthy policy the works’ canteen will no longer be serving sausage’s, chicken nugget’s or hash browns, as they have been pacifically identified as nonproductive foodstuff’s in the workplace.‘
The apostrophe abuse in that alone made you want to cry for mankind. For Jesus sake! This man earns three times what you do and he is obviously an idiot. How can you respect him?
Well it’s simple, you just can’t. So you’re tendering your resignation today.
Sausage’s? SAUSAGE’S??? Gaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
Categories: Fake News
Dinosaurs: asteroid “was good for them in the long-run”
The Dinosaurs eventually recovered and thrived after their culture was interrupted by “a large rock’s completely unnecessary decision to leave space and crash into Earth”, a government spokesperson claimed today.
“Sure, the dinos faced a temporary adjustment to less food, less sunlight and less being alive, » said the spokesperson, « but look at them now! They’ve never been more economically active! Have you seen how much Jurassic Park merch goes for?”
Thé spokesperson cited other examples of short term pain for long term gain, including Brexit, the hundred years’ war, the Black Death, and his mate Dave having to sit through a short speech by Grant Shapps before spending the rest of the evening in the Brew Dog.
Categories: Fake News
Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal
The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – all with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.
“I honestly had no idea what was going on” said Agatha, one of the donkeys that has found herself unwittingly at the heart of the scandal. “I thought I saw those kids quite a lot, I’d remember them anywhere after Kyle was sick on me that time, but I am a simple artiste dedicated to serving my public – I don’t concern myself with the grubby finances of the business.”
However, Mr Entwhistle has denied that he has done anything wrong. “It’s all perfectly legal” he said. “If a donkey owner worried about the renewal of their licence wishes to offer my grandchildren a free ride, for example once every Saturday and every weekday afternoon in the school holidays, who am I to suspect anything untoward? Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I are hoping to purchase a beach hut for our retirement, and our estate agents Blair and Blair tell us there’s a lot of paperwork we need to complete.”
Categories: Fake News
Police offer advice to women on what to do while being murdered by police
Women have been told to ask for a police officer’s warrant card and if possible use a mobile phone to photograph it and send it to a local police station or their MP while being murdered by the policeman. The police have also suggested that while being unlawfully killed women should take a note of the officer’s number and jot down any physical characteristics that might later identify him.
In related news, it is understood police will also later publish guidance on how to spot undercover police officers, particularly those who turn out to be a woman’s husband or co-habitee.
A spokesman said that occurrences like the recent murder, failure to deal with warning signs, the Stephen Lawrence case, the cover up of the Stephen Lawrence case, the cover up over the Daniel Morgan case, and multiple cases of undercover officers committing sexual offences as well as yet-to-be disclosed cases of police crimes are ‘flashes in the pan’.
‘We think the public should sleep easy in their beds, but we do advise they check the loved one with whom they are sharing that bed is who he says he is, so make an identity check part of your bedtime routine.’
Categories: Fake News
Man wildly optimistic ahead of flat pack assembly
A man with no DIY experience has set aside around 15 minutes to assemble a 300 piece cabin bed this weekend.
Having glanced through the 36-page instruction booklet, 40-year-old Nick Ferguson plans to start the job at around 6pm on Saturday and will definitely be done by quarter past if not slightly before.
‘I’ll simultaneously be making a vegetarian chilli,’ he said. ‘And I’m going to complete both tasks in a cool and fun way that involves my three young children.’
Meanwhile Mrs Ferguson was hastily making plans to take the kids to her mothers.
‘DIY with Nick is what you might call a journey,’ she said.
‘One that begins relatively calmly, progresses to high strength alcohol and ends with him screaming Rudyard Kiplings ‘If’ into the mirror at around 1.30am.
‘Usually with a serious injury to his face or hands.’
Matt Ward
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit’s ’15 Years of Typos’ – now available in hardback
Having hit your shelves a year ago and selling all of 2 copies, ’15 Years of Typos’ is finally available in hardback. The perfect draft excluder for this Christmas. This humble collection of stories is the culmination of years of frantic scribbling and at least three minutes of careful editing.
‘Five stars? I thought I was reviewing a toaster’ – Amazon Reviewer
‘Although NewsBiscuit remains proud to have been Britain’s first daily news satire website, I am forced to admit that in the years that followed, others may have come along. Yeah, those bastards totally copied my idea of copying The Onion.’ John O’Farrell
‘All true’ – D.Trump
Launched 2006 by John O’Farrell, with the noble aims of eradicating global poverty, creating a lasting peace in the Middle East and providing a daily dose of humour to bored people at work. Since then, after many cups of tea and plenty of biscuits, we are confident that George. W. Bush would agree – ‘Mission Accomplished’.
All profits from the book go directly to charity. We are delighted to support ‘Arts Emergency’ the award-winning mentoring charity and support network (https://www.arts-emergency.org/) helping young people get a fair start in arts and humanities. And ‘English Pen’ – one of the world’s oldest human rights organisations, championing the freedom to write and read around the word (https://www.englishpen.org/)
Hundreds of writers have contributed to the making of this irreverent book – which Mr. O’Farrell’s lawyers were keen to make very clear.
Categories: Fake News
Man shocked to learn he is tall after stranger points it out
A man has been left stunned after finding out he is tall.
‘Big Mike’, 39, had never thought of himself as tall until a complete stranger pointed it out: ‘Suddenly the pieces fell into place. I often wondered why my trousers finished at my ankles, why I was always banging my head on doorways, why everyone else was so short. It was only when this bloke in the pub went ‘blimey you’re tall’ I thought ‘am I? …yes, actually he might be on to something’…then it all made sense.
Everyone has been amazing, if I ever forget that I am tall, there is always a friendly stranger to ask me what the weather is like up there, it never gets old.
I finally understand why they call me ‘Big Mike’ – I can’t believe I never realised before. Now I just need to work out why my other nickname is ‘Sarcastic Mike’, maybe I’ll ask that friendly stranger to help me out with that one too’.
Categories: Fake News
Quantum physicists excited to learn that string theory also works with elastic bands
.
Jack Yates
Categories: Fake News
Pepys’ Diary: Famine by Christmas
To the coffee house behind the Exchange. There, much talk of the likelihood of a famine across the land. The fields are full of produce yet there are none to pick it. If picked there is no means to transport it, as all the carters, wherryman, and pack horse drivers where expelled to Bohemia, Silesia,and Hungary in the great Purge last year.
Milord Raab is being petitioned to despatch the felons from the Hulks off Woolwich to the fields to work the fields. The stronger types will be chained to great wagons and pull them loaded with food and goods to the Towns. This will be a Great Undertaking and if it fails, it is feared plenty of persons will starve by the Winter.
There has been much disorder at the news and many Ruffians have fought with each other in the roads for what scraps they can find. Other scoundrels have been seen stealing fuel from depots and carrying it away in flimsy nets. Would that there were covered in tar and set aflame as an example to others.
And so home to fashion a hiding place for our drinks and victuals in readiness for the Mobbe.
Categories: Fake News
‘Rejoice, the era of gruel is over’ announces workhouse treasurer
Britain’s huddled masses of urchins, scullions and paupers are today rejoicing at the news that their years of a diet of gruel are over, thanks to the goodwill of their government. ‘Kind Old Phil’ Hammond, Workhouse of Commons treasurer, has been saving up copper coins all this time, and is now able to lay on a much improved regime of crumbs purchased from the tables of some of his colleagues in the Workhouse of Lords.
Nevertheless, some professional ne’er-do-wells are still discontented, demanding a richer diet and even saying that living on gruel hadn’t been necessary. ‘Nonsense, nonsense’ remarked Kind Old Phil, ‘you see, financiers used to dine on three banquets a day and that led to the financial crash ten years ago. Naturally we had to keep them on this diet to avoid a shock to their systems – and that didn’t come cheap! But it would not do for the general populace; they would suffer indigestion.’
In response, a Mr A. Dodger of London remarked that it wasn’t rich food but double standards that made him sick, and Phil had better watch out if he didn’t want a large saveloy inserted ‘where the sun don’t shine’.
Categories: Fake News
Fuel Crisis Petrol Station Etiquette: government issues advice
HM Government has today issued the following guidelines for motorists queuing for petrol in the current fuel crisis:
1. If you know you are going to be queuing for fuel the following morning, it is recommended you put yourself in the right frame of mind the night before. Try kicking back with a beer and watching one of the following movies:
a. Falling Down
b. Bullitt
c. The Purge
2. Ensure you choose the most appropriate vehicle before going for fuel. Choose the biggest, thirstiest car in your collection and fill its boot with jerry cans.
3. Before leaving the house make sure you are properly equipped. Remember the Police currently have an amnesty on the use of hand weapons in petrol stations during the fuel crisis, and it’s not as if there are CCTV cameras that will see you anyway.
4. Driving instructors should plan their lessons carefully, ensuring there are plenty of petrol stations on the route. After all, learner drivers need plenty of practice with clutch control and braking.
5. Nipping in a long queue to a fuel station is recommended. The drivers behind you will appreciate your ingenuity and resourcefulness.
6. The old “I only need to pump up my tyres – well, actually while I’m here…” trick is a much-admired queue-jumping dodge, which will illicit much admiration from your fellow road users.
7. The following persons are permitted to jump petrol station queues:
a. People with big German cars and important jobs to do who are late for a meeting.
b. People who fought for you in the war.
c. People who have lived in the area for years and accordingly have priority.
d. People who spot a gap.
The following persons have no authority to jump petrol queues and should wind their necks in and wait patiently:
a. The elderly
b. Disabled drivers
c. NHS and emergency services keyworkers
d. Fuel tankers
8. When arriving on the forecourt, be selective over the pump you use. Choose your favourite position / pump number and only consider pumps that have nozzles on the same side as your petrol cap. Only the most gauche of drivers would stretch a fuel line across their rear windscreen.
9. If you are refuelling a 1 litre bubble car you only use twice a week to drive to the WI and back, ensure you fill the tank to the financial limit set by that petrol station. Government scientists are still trying to establish whether petrol or diesel can actually go off in a fuel tank.
10. It is important to keep the emergency services on their toes, especially the 4th emergency service – the AA. If you have time, put the wrong fuel in your tank and see how long it takes them to get to you to change it over.
11. If your local garage has a convenience store in it, don’t waste the opportunity. Knock yourself out and do a full weekly shop while you are in there.
JackYates
Categories: Fake News
Parklife Gutlord gets revenge on fat-shaming Blur
The walker criticised in Blur’s Parklife song for being a gutlord and told to “get some exercise” says he has finally got his own back on the band.
Benedict Beetlebum has shed six stone since being fat-shamed by the Britpop stars more than a quarter of a century ago.
The 63-year-old says he is in the best shape of his life and is now demanding an apology from the foursome for causing 27 years of embarrassment.
“To be criticised by someone who gets up when he wants except on Wednesdays – and then merely thinks about leaving the house – is ridiculous,” said the former gutlord.
“My friend John – he’s still got brewer’s droop, sadly – wants to try to lose weight too.
“I told him it’s got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Technik: just follow simple dietary advice.”
Mr Beetlebum had hoped to hold a vigil in the park in support of obese people, but the home secretary, Priti Patel, refused permission.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: “We don’t want a bunch of fatties parading in public – that’s what the Conservative Party conference is for.”
Categories: Fake News
Three held on charges of historic crimes against music
Following a raid at an address in Manchester, it’s understood three men have been arrested by police and are being questioned regarding historic crimes against music. The investigation dates back to the mid-1980s.
Greater Manchester Police has not named the men but its widely believed that they are Mike Stock, Matt Aitken, and Pete Waterman, the three shadowy masterminds behind PWL. A record label that saw Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan and Bananarama rise to fame, all singing the same bloody song over and over and over again.
Professor of Contemporary Music at Imperial College, Martin Emerson, explains: ‘Nearly every one of these songs consisted of the same chords, in the same key, at the same tempo, and all used the same instrumentation and an effing drum machine playing an identical pattern. Quite honestly, the repetitive nature of their output made Status Quo sound groundbreaking and innovative.’
It’s believed that one act signed to the label, Rick Astley, who only managed to escape their clutches by pretending to go and make some tea during a marathon 72 hour recording session, has now decided to blow the whistle and will be instrumental in providing evidence in any forthcoming action to be brought against the three.
When approached by BBC’s Panorama, former antipodean heartthrob, Jason Donovan, was remaining tight-lipped, but pop princess, Minogue, did make a brief statement. ‘You’d like me to tell you about what it was like working for PWL? Yeah right. You should be so lucky!’
Categories: Fake News
B*st@#d wants meeting at lunchtime
Some kind of execrable office-b*st@#d has scheduled an ‘event’ during the lunch hour, it has been alleged.
Middle manager Matt Haynes has booked a ‘Learn and Lunch’ session for staff at a local firm, despite the disgust-laden wave of silence that barrelled over his initial proposal at Monday’s Team Cuddle.
‘Matt is new and stupid’ explains resident cynic, John. ‘He needs to learn that people here don’t want any meetings at all, never mind some non-mandatory bollocks on how to save someone from a heart attack’ he added candidly.
‘And scheduling it during unpaid hours demonstrates a lack of basic planning not seen since 52% of the voters and some clown-haired idiot put us on a collision course with tinned meals and no paracetamol for 5 years’.
‘There’s no way in sufferi….oh they’re putting sandwiches on? I’m having some of that that then. Doctor in the house, Nee-Nah!, Nee-Nah!’
Categories: Fake News
