Fake News
Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal
The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – all with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.
“I honestly had no idea what was going on” said Agatha, one of the donkeys that has found herself unwittingly at the heart of the scandal. “I thought I saw those kids quite a lot, I’d remember them anywhere after Kyle was sick on me that time, but I am a simple artiste dedicated to serving my public – I don’t concern myself with the grubby finances of the business.”
However, Mr Entwhistle has denied that he has done anything wrong. “It’s all perfectly legal” he said. “If a donkey owner worried about the renewal of their licence wishes to offer my grandchildren a free ride, for example once every Saturday and every weekday afternoon in the school holidays, who am I to suspect anything untoward? Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I are hoping to purchase a beach hut for our retirement, and our estate agents Blair and Blair tell us there’s a lot of paperwork we need to complete.”
Categories: Fake News
Police offer advice to women on what to do while being murdered by police
Women have been told to ask for a police officer’s warrant card and if possible use a mobile phone to photograph it and send it to a local police station or their MP while being murdered by the policeman. The police have also suggested that while being unlawfully killed women should take a note of the officer’s number and jot down any physical characteristics that might later identify him.
In related news, it is understood police will also later publish guidance on how to spot undercover police officers, particularly those who turn out to be a woman’s husband or co-habitee.
A spokesman said that occurrences like the recent murder, failure to deal with warning signs, the Stephen Lawrence case, the cover up of the Stephen Lawrence case, the cover up over the Daniel Morgan case, and multiple cases of undercover officers committing sexual offences as well as yet-to-be disclosed cases of police crimes are ‘flashes in the pan’.
‘We think the public should sleep easy in their beds, but we do advise they check the loved one with whom they are sharing that bed is who he says he is, so make an identity check part of your bedtime routine.’
Categories: Fake News
Man wildly optimistic ahead of flat pack assembly
A man with no DIY experience has set aside around 15 minutes to assemble a 300 piece cabin bed this weekend.
Having glanced through the 36-page instruction booklet, 40-year-old Nick Ferguson plans to start the job at around 6pm on Saturday and will definitely be done by quarter past if not slightly before.
‘I’ll simultaneously be making a vegetarian chilli,’ he said. ‘And I’m going to complete both tasks in a cool and fun way that involves my three young children.’
Meanwhile Mrs Ferguson was hastily making plans to take the kids to her mothers.
‘DIY with Nick is what you might call a journey,’ she said.
‘One that begins relatively calmly, progresses to high strength alcohol and ends with him screaming Rudyard Kiplings ‘If’ into the mirror at around 1.30am.
‘Usually with a serious injury to his face or hands.’
Matt Ward
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit’s ’15 Years of Typos’ – now available in hardback
Having hit your shelves a year ago and selling all of 2 copies, ’15 Years of Typos’ is finally available in hardback. The perfect draft excluder for this Christmas. This humble collection of stories is the culmination of years of frantic scribbling and at least three minutes of careful editing.
‘Five stars? I thought I was reviewing a toaster’ – Amazon Reviewer
‘Although NewsBiscuit remains proud to have been Britain’s first daily news satire website, I am forced to admit that in the years that followed, others may have come along. Yeah, those bastards totally copied my idea of copying The Onion.’ John O’Farrell
‘All true’ – D.Trump
Launched 2006 by John O’Farrell, with the noble aims of eradicating global poverty, creating a lasting peace in the Middle East and providing a daily dose of humour to bored people at work. Since then, after many cups of tea and plenty of biscuits, we are confident that George. W. Bush would agree – ‘Mission Accomplished’.
All profits from the book go directly to charity. We are delighted to support ‘Arts Emergency’ the award-winning mentoring charity and support network (https://www.arts-emergency.org/) helping young people get a fair start in arts and humanities. And ‘English Pen’ – one of the world’s oldest human rights organisations, championing the freedom to write and read around the word (https://www.englishpen.org/)
Hundreds of writers have contributed to the making of this irreverent book – which Mr. O’Farrell’s lawyers were keen to make very clear.
Categories: Fake News
Man shocked to learn he is tall after stranger points it out
A man has been left stunned after finding out he is tall.
‘Big Mike’, 39, had never thought of himself as tall until a complete stranger pointed it out: ‘Suddenly the pieces fell into place. I often wondered why my trousers finished at my ankles, why I was always banging my head on doorways, why everyone else was so short. It was only when this bloke in the pub went ‘blimey you’re tall’ I thought ‘am I? …yes, actually he might be on to something’…then it all made sense.
Everyone has been amazing, if I ever forget that I am tall, there is always a friendly stranger to ask me what the weather is like up there, it never gets old.
I finally understand why they call me ‘Big Mike’ – I can’t believe I never realised before. Now I just need to work out why my other nickname is ‘Sarcastic Mike’, maybe I’ll ask that friendly stranger to help me out with that one too’.
Categories: Fake News
Quantum physicists excited to learn that string theory also works with elastic bands
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Jack Yates
Categories: Fake News
Pepys’ Diary: Famine by Christmas
To the coffee house behind the Exchange. There, much talk of the likelihood of a famine across the land. The fields are full of produce yet there are none to pick it. If picked there is no means to transport it, as all the carters, wherryman, and pack horse drivers where expelled to Bohemia, Silesia,and Hungary in the great Purge last year.
Milord Raab is being petitioned to despatch the felons from the Hulks off Woolwich to the fields to work the fields. The stronger types will be chained to great wagons and pull them loaded with food and goods to the Towns. This will be a Great Undertaking and if it fails, it is feared plenty of persons will starve by the Winter.
There has been much disorder at the news and many Ruffians have fought with each other in the roads for what scraps they can find. Other scoundrels have been seen stealing fuel from depots and carrying it away in flimsy nets. Would that there were covered in tar and set aflame as an example to others.
And so home to fashion a hiding place for our drinks and victuals in readiness for the Mobbe.
Categories: Fake News
‘Rejoice, the era of gruel is over’ announces workhouse treasurer
Britain’s huddled masses of urchins, scullions and paupers are today rejoicing at the news that their years of a diet of gruel are over, thanks to the goodwill of their government. ‘Kind Old Phil’ Hammond, Workhouse of Commons treasurer, has been saving up copper coins all this time, and is now able to lay on a much improved regime of crumbs purchased from the tables of some of his colleagues in the Workhouse of Lords.
Nevertheless, some professional ne’er-do-wells are still discontented, demanding a richer diet and even saying that living on gruel hadn’t been necessary. ‘Nonsense, nonsense’ remarked Kind Old Phil, ‘you see, financiers used to dine on three banquets a day and that led to the financial crash ten years ago. Naturally we had to keep them on this diet to avoid a shock to their systems – and that didn’t come cheap! But it would not do for the general populace; they would suffer indigestion.’
In response, a Mr A. Dodger of London remarked that it wasn’t rich food but double standards that made him sick, and Phil had better watch out if he didn’t want a large saveloy inserted ‘where the sun don’t shine’.
Categories: Fake News
Fuel Crisis Petrol Station Etiquette: government issues advice
HM Government has today issued the following guidelines for motorists queuing for petrol in the current fuel crisis:
1. If you know you are going to be queuing for fuel the following morning, it is recommended you put yourself in the right frame of mind the night before. Try kicking back with a beer and watching one of the following movies:
a. Falling Down
b. Bullitt
c. The Purge
2. Ensure you choose the most appropriate vehicle before going for fuel. Choose the biggest, thirstiest car in your collection and fill its boot with jerry cans.
3. Before leaving the house make sure you are properly equipped. Remember the Police currently have an amnesty on the use of hand weapons in petrol stations during the fuel crisis, and it’s not as if there are CCTV cameras that will see you anyway.
4. Driving instructors should plan their lessons carefully, ensuring there are plenty of petrol stations on the route. After all, learner drivers need plenty of practice with clutch control and braking.
5. Nipping in a long queue to a fuel station is recommended. The drivers behind you will appreciate your ingenuity and resourcefulness.
6. The old “I only need to pump up my tyres – well, actually while I’m here…” trick is a much-admired queue-jumping dodge, which will illicit much admiration from your fellow road users.
7. The following persons are permitted to jump petrol station queues:
a. People with big German cars and important jobs to do who are late for a meeting.
b. People who fought for you in the war.
c. People who have lived in the area for years and accordingly have priority.
d. People who spot a gap.
The following persons have no authority to jump petrol queues and should wind their necks in and wait patiently:
a. The elderly
b. Disabled drivers
c. NHS and emergency services keyworkers
d. Fuel tankers
8. When arriving on the forecourt, be selective over the pump you use. Choose your favourite position / pump number and only consider pumps that have nozzles on the same side as your petrol cap. Only the most gauche of drivers would stretch a fuel line across their rear windscreen.
9. If you are refuelling a 1 litre bubble car you only use twice a week to drive to the WI and back, ensure you fill the tank to the financial limit set by that petrol station. Government scientists are still trying to establish whether petrol or diesel can actually go off in a fuel tank.
10. It is important to keep the emergency services on their toes, especially the 4th emergency service – the AA. If you have time, put the wrong fuel in your tank and see how long it takes them to get to you to change it over.
11. If your local garage has a convenience store in it, don’t waste the opportunity. Knock yourself out and do a full weekly shop while you are in there.
JackYates
Categories: Fake News
Parklife Gutlord gets revenge on fat-shaming Blur
The walker criticised in Blur’s Parklife song for being a gutlord and told to “get some exercise” says he has finally got his own back on the band.
Benedict Beetlebum has shed six stone since being fat-shamed by the Britpop stars more than a quarter of a century ago.
The 63-year-old says he is in the best shape of his life and is now demanding an apology from the foursome for causing 27 years of embarrassment.
“To be criticised by someone who gets up when he wants except on Wednesdays – and then merely thinks about leaving the house – is ridiculous,” said the former gutlord.
“My friend John – he’s still got brewer’s droop, sadly – wants to try to lose weight too.
“I told him it’s got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Technik: just follow simple dietary advice.”
Mr Beetlebum had hoped to hold a vigil in the park in support of obese people, but the home secretary, Priti Patel, refused permission.
A Home Office spokeswoman said: “We don’t want a bunch of fatties parading in public – that’s what the Conservative Party conference is for.”
Categories: Fake News
Three held on charges of historic crimes against music
Following a raid at an address in Manchester, it’s understood three men have been arrested by police and are being questioned regarding historic crimes against music. The investigation dates back to the mid-1980s.
Greater Manchester Police has not named the men but its widely believed that they are Mike Stock, Matt Aitken, and Pete Waterman, the three shadowy masterminds behind PWL. A record label that saw Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan and Bananarama rise to fame, all singing the same bloody song over and over and over again.
Professor of Contemporary Music at Imperial College, Martin Emerson, explains: ‘Nearly every one of these songs consisted of the same chords, in the same key, at the same tempo, and all used the same instrumentation and an effing drum machine playing an identical pattern. Quite honestly, the repetitive nature of their output made Status Quo sound groundbreaking and innovative.’
It’s believed that one act signed to the label, Rick Astley, who only managed to escape their clutches by pretending to go and make some tea during a marathon 72 hour recording session, has now decided to blow the whistle and will be instrumental in providing evidence in any forthcoming action to be brought against the three.
When approached by BBC’s Panorama, former antipodean heartthrob, Jason Donovan, was remaining tight-lipped, but pop princess, Minogue, did make a brief statement. ‘You’d like me to tell you about what it was like working for PWL? Yeah right. You should be so lucky!’
Categories: Fake News
B*st@#d wants meeting at lunchtime
Some kind of execrable office-b*st@#d has scheduled an ‘event’ during the lunch hour, it has been alleged.
Middle manager Matt Haynes has booked a ‘Learn and Lunch’ session for staff at a local firm, despite the disgust-laden wave of silence that barrelled over his initial proposal at Monday’s Team Cuddle.
‘Matt is new and stupid’ explains resident cynic, John. ‘He needs to learn that people here don’t want any meetings at all, never mind some non-mandatory bollocks on how to save someone from a heart attack’ he added candidly.
‘And scheduling it during unpaid hours demonstrates a lack of basic planning not seen since 52% of the voters and some clown-haired idiot put us on a collision course with tinned meals and no paracetamol for 5 years’.
‘There’s no way in sufferi….oh they’re putting sandwiches on? I’m having some of that that then. Doctor in the house, Nee-Nah!, Nee-Nah!’
Categories: Fake News
Government planning to delay Covid enquiry ‘because we’re still screwing up’
Sources close to Downing Street have confirmed that the ‘smug start date’ for the Covid enquiry, originally scheduled for early 2022 on the basis that the mistakes, cock-ups and sheer blatant awarding of worthless contracts to chums would be a distant memory amid a pandemic that nobody could really recall, would need to be postponed ‘at least a year’.
Acknowledging that by the planned start date of the enquiry the country will be in lockdown four, having screwed up lockdown three by waiting just three weeks longer than the experts suggested, again, and will probably be in full swing with worthless (to the country) contracts being awarded to ministers’ neighbours, friends and pets for eye watering amounts for stuff nobody will ever use.
A spokesman claimed there was a ‘real supply problem’ in that they were running out of chums to supply contracts to. ‘If this goes on for much longer we’ll have to start giving contracts to people we don’t even know,’ he admitted today.
Categories: Fake News
‘I’m definitely honest – trust me on that,’ says Starmer with a cheeky wink.
Having gone on TV to explain that he would ditch any promise he made, in order to get elected, voters might be forgiven for thinking that Sir Keir has only a passing relationship with the truth. Delegates at the recent Labour conference were offput by the sight of Sir Keir making further pledges, with his fingers crossed. Said one delegate: ‘I don’t know who to trust? He says his name is Keir, but everyone else calls him Keith’.
Promising McDonalds’ workers £15 an hour, than instructing Andy McDonald to forbid it, was confusing – partly because of the broken commitment but mainly because everyone in the story was called McDonald.
A psychologist explained: ‘The odd thing is that no one asks him to make these pledges in the first place, he just seems to like breaking them – it’s sort of kinky. It’s like cheating on your spouse at the dinner table. He seems to get a thrill from being caught’.
An aide defended the beleaguered leader: ‘Keir is as honest as the day is long. Which is why Labour is proposing to help workers, with a new one-hour week’.
Categories: Fake News
‘Look, petrol is still 0.1p cheaper than next penny up’, notes optimist
The petrol crisis isn’t as bad as it could be, as the price per litre is still a tenth of a penny below the next penny up, thanks to the benevolence of profit-making oil companies, noted a man today.
‘People should look on the bright side’, said Pete McBride, looking out of the window of his Ford Focus in a queue on the lead up to his local Esso garage. ‘The price per litre is still only 136.9, no wait, 137.9. People should thank their lucky stars that ‘big oil’ isn’t taking everyone for a ride by rounding the price up to the next penny every time they increase it. Look, 139.9.’
‘They’ve held the line for us, throughout, the big multinationals with their 0.9 thing’, continued McBride. ‘Even now that we’re facing the prospect of only being able to afford an eggcup of unleaded once a fortnight, you have to take your hat off to these oligopolists. They could easily just cream in the profits by nudging the price up another 0.1p but they never do. See, it’s 141.9 now. Still looking out for the little guy. Respect to them. ’
‘The only problem is the time it takes people to pay. People are always fumbling around in their car seat wells for some 0.9 coins to pay with – they’re in such short supply’, said McBride. ‘Luckily I’ve perfected my forecourt technique so I manage to dispense to a full pence unit every time, I’ve actually never once ended up with 0.9 to pay’.
Categories: Fake News
No one in any doubt Westminster can assist with Northern Ireland clown shortage
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Categories: Fake News
Hedgehogs prepared for yet another winter lockdown
With autumn now upon us, hedgehogs across the UK are being asked to self-isolate for up to six months. Hedgehog Professor Giles Sonic said: ‘No doubt there’s a bumpy road ahead, but we need to flatten the curve and avoid another spike.’
Lake District housewife Mrs Tiggy-Winkle said that her family had faced this sort of lockdown many times before and were used to self isolating. On the prickly subject of stockpiling, she had been gathering material for some time. ‘I’ve been making a pile which leaves me comfortable. There’s enough grub on the table, and I can curl up with a discarded Chris Packham paperback. I think we need an exit strategy, though. It’s a wake-up call.’
Professor Sonic conceded this point, but concluded: ‘We’ll go under that bridge when we come to it.’
Categories: Fake News
