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City resigned as United re-sign Ronaldo
Categories: Fake News
Men welcome morning-after pill for things you wish you hadn’t said
There was a cautious welcome yesterday for news that over-the-counter sales of a new morning-after pill will go ahead. The pill, which reverses the effects of misconceived comments before they grow and eventually acquire a life of their own, is mainly aged at men aged 25 to 55 and is said to be almost completely effective.
The pill works by making the patient do whatever is necessary to counteract what he said the night before in a passionate moment of unprotected speech. It can even work before the first giveaway twinges of embarrassment are felt or reproachful texts start to come in.
Les Freitag, Sales Director at manufacturers Wizer, said, ‘Take Steve from Marketing, who after a few drinks on Friday night declares his undying love to Wendy from Compliance. When he gets home to face his angry wife, he insults her looks and breeding before saying he is leaving her for Wendy. When he eventually wakes up on the sofa and also recalls abusing his boss, he realises it’s too late for precautions, the seeds have all been planted.’
Freitag explained how Steve would take one of the new pills before phoning a relieved Wendy to apologise for his appalling behaviour. Instead of ineffective tongue-tied regret he withdraws his lovelorn declarations but agrees to satisfy all her compliance demands in future, exchanging a doomed fling for a long-term, casual relationship of cold, mechanical and blissful sex. This pill would taste sweet, as would the one making him text his boss to say his remark had only been a clumsy opener to what he really wanted to say, which was that the new branding initiatives were terrific and how about a bonus.
The third pill would be very bitter and hard to swallow, even after Steve had removed his foot from his mouth, but would stop him making things even worse by joking he’d been so drunk he thought she was her mother, instead committing to a Champneys membership and a week in Dubai accompanied by said mother.
While the normally reactionary Mail welcomed the development, Cosmopolitan said it would discourage men from taking sensible precautions and they should learn to say ‘no’, a view supported by pro-wife campaigners who said that the ability to reverse misspeaking episodes deprived women of the satisfaction of revenge using conventional means such as scissors and an expensive divorce.
The pill is even thought to be effective for politicians, with Freitag saying a certain cyclist would still be in a job had he taken his pill instead of throwing it at a passing pleb in a fit of arrogance when he thought nobody was looking.
Categories: Fake News
Coldplay documentary shelved after background music segments hit 12 hour mark
A much anticipated fly on the wall TV programme about the life and works of Coldplay has had to be controversially shelved, after it became impossible to distinguish the short soundbites of music that fade in and out to provide gravitas and meaning to key moments in a documentary from the actual greatest hits of the band.
‘We had a nice 2 hour documentary, covering the early years, the big stadium tours, the move to ‘art rock” noted producer Phil Jones. ‘The problem was when we handed it over to the editing team. Layering any sad moment, tough decision or resolution of a problem with a 30 second piece of Coldplay music has become the default in documentary making over the last fifteen years.’
‘We had a segment with Chris Martin struggling to complete the complex lyrics and melody in ‘Clocks’ and the music the editors placed over the top was Clocks,’ sighed Jones. ‘Footage of Jonny Buckland being wearily optimistic with the other members of the band about needing to add an extra track to A Rush of Blood to the Head: they suggested 30 seconds of ‘In My Place’ in the background. The band’s drum kit falling over and needing to be Fixed Up…well you can guess the rest.’
‘Segment music self-circularity is sadly increasingly common in pop’, noted musicologist Peter McVeigh. ‘For example, it is a little known fact that Keane have tried to split up a number of times due to falling royalties, only to be propped back up by the increased royalties from the segments of their ‘Everybody’s Changing’ anthem that are inevitably played in montages where they announce they are splitting up.’
‘Producers need to find ways to reduce the opportunities for music editors to gratuitously insert segments of Coldplay music into their documentaries’, noted McVeigh. ‘To be honest though, that really is The Hardest Part. My advice is Don’t Panic. And if you aren’t happy with the results, you really need to go back to Square One.’
image: fradellafra @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Desperate journalists stampede Wapping to denounce Biden
There were scenes of chaos outside the headquarters of News International and other newspapers in London as thousands of columnists descended on their offices, desperate to get space on their pages to denounce US president Joe Biden.
“I’ve never liked the Democrat Party,” said one right-wing pundit who had joined the swarm outside the doors of the Daily Mail and was clutching a piece of copy entitled ‘This shambling old peacenik is a disgrace’.
“I absolutely must persuade them to put this out so I can cash in on this orgy of hatred and derision for Sleepy Joe.”
“It’s nearly as pitiful as the scenes at Kabul airport,” said an exhausted sub-editor for the Daily Telegraph. “They’re screaming and hollering to get their pieces in but we’ve been overwhelmed by all the paperwork, and there’s no way we’ll be able to find space for them all before we pull out of this story.
“Some of the most ardently conservative columnists in Britain – our staunch allies over the past few years – have clearly been driven to distraction and are now completely hysterical. Look at this piece from Charles Moore. ‘America has lost its power and we’re all going to die’.
“It will take weeks to process all their submissions and tragically, there are thousands that we will have to consign to oblivion.”
Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
God Endorses Kanye West, Refuses to Comment on Biden/Trump
Despite facing a busy day deciding which children in Africa will live past 12, God has decided to chime in on American politics and give his full endorsement to Kanye West.
The all mighty lord and saviour initially refused to comment on the Biden vs Trump race and proclaimed Kayne West is the only man capable of running the United States. This comes as no surprise as Kayne has previously stated ‘I’m like a vessel, and God has chosen me to be the voice and the connector’.
West previously announced his campaign for presidency on July 4th. He stated he will run for the Birthday Party, because ‘when we win, it’s everybody’s birthday’. West’s campaign has been described as having a ‘Republican leaning, pro-black religious platform’, which is a perfect platform for the lord.
God said ‘Kanye is the perfect man for the job because he doesn’t think too well and does what I say’. God refused to comment on the Biden and Trump campaigns. Sources are saying God saw both of them doing unmentionable acts to women.
West, who is most famous for being a musical genius with lyrics like ‘In a French ass restaurant, Hurry up with my damn croissants’ and ‘Brrat-tat-da-da-da-da Ga-ga-ga-ga’ will have a difficult time securing the nations top spot after failing to get the required number of signature for several states.
Anything is possible in this election and with the backing of God the Kanye campaign just might stand a chance. When asked what he thought of Gods endorsement Kayne stated ‘I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle’.
Image by Henryk Niestrój from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Camels welcome straw ban. More soon.
Categories: Fake News
Biden sends clear message to Taliban: ‘If you’re short of anything, just ask.’ More soon.
Categories: Fake News
Sunak reminds everyone it’s important to be rich already
As Chancellor Rishi Sunak prepares to cut Universal Credit, whilst building a swimming pool, gym and tennis court in the grounds of his grade II listed manor house, he was anxious to stress how important it is to remember to be rich. Not necessarily Scrooge McDuck rich, Grand Designs rich will do.
One of Sunak’s butlers said: ‘If you’re already rich, slashing benefits and social care spending doesn’t affect you. Rishi always says that people will have better lives if they are already incredibly rich. In order to level up, it really is important to be rich.’
Revoking the £20-a-week boost to Universal Credit will leave many lower income families struggling to make ends meet. However, Boris Johnson’s focus is on large scale infrastructure projects that he can put his name on, as opposed to actually helping people.
Another Sunak butler added: ‘The way to get Boris to pay attention is to throw in a bridge or two. He just loves a bridge, almost as much as he loves a bouncy Tory blonde half his age, and avoiding child support payments. Recently I’ve heard tell of bridges to Sodor, Arendelle, the Isle of Wight, Terebithia and one over the River Kwai.’
A social worker, who has worked in some of Britain’s poorest areas for many years looked intrigued: ‘A bridge to enable the poorest, most disadvantaged in society to access better benefits and social care? That would be fantastic! I would welcome that. You mean a metaphorical bridge, right? Right?’
Image by moneycortex from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit Podcast 5 now available
For free to download on Spotify and other podcast platforms. Or you can view it on YouTube at https://youtu.be/KwHTnm9lifE
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit.
Host: Wrenfoe
Featuring Guests: Kit Caboodle, Chipchase, Bernard Castle & Al O’Pecia.
August 2021
https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit
https://twitter.com/NewsBiscuit
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/
Our book: https://tinyurl.com/ure669ss
Categories: Fake News
Raab Asks Everybody To Stop Speculating About His Resignation
In a public statement issued through the FCDO on Friday, Mr Raab has asked the Press and public to stop speculating about his resignation as he is currently on holiday and does not have time to address the questions and pressure. “As a keen paddle-boarder I like to spend as much on-board time as possible whilst vacationing and I need to focus on by board technique for the next couple of weeks not spend time finding excuses for what I’m really doing”.
Categories: Fake News
Amazon forest fires could devastate Bake Off warn Channel 4
The forest fires currently raging across parts of the Amazon could have a devastating effect on the new series of Bake Off, the head of Channel 4 entertainment warned today. Fires in the Amazon rainforest have been burning out of control for several weeks, putting supplies of dried cassava, tucupi and red cochineal in short supply.
‘Some essential ingredients used by the Bake Off chefs could dry up completely if the fires continue to rage out of control’, warned a spokesperson for show maker Love Productions.
Creative director Jason Beesley said that some of the chefs lined up for the new series have already considering pulling out of the event. ‘One chef said that if he can’t get his hands on a brace of macaweira hog plums then his signature dish would simply be ruined and appearing on the show would be pointless’, noted Beasley.
Some Bake Off chefs are blaming the Brazilian people, calling them selfish and lazy saying they are not doing enough to safeguard the sort of essential baking ingredients needed to put on a top TV show like Bake Off.
‘I don’t think they realise how much hard work and effort goes into producing a show like Bake Off’. said contestant Jay Tranter. ‘This is important…surely they can get a couple of fires under control.’
‘They need to sort those fires out soon or the Christmas and New Year specials could be ruined’ continued Tranter. ‘Those Brazilian farmers should not be allowed to stand by and watch their crops burn down. Not when it puts something as important as Bake Off at risk’.
BBC producers also warned that the rainforest fires could affect the new series of Strictly.
‘Most of the sequins we use on our ballgowns are made in Brazil’, said one producer. ‘Some of the chalk we use on the dance floors also comes from the region. Strictly contestants can’t really be expected to dance an authentic Carimbo Capoeia if the sequins are made outside Brazil. These things matter’.
Fans of the show say they will be devastated if silly little forest fires are allowed to ruin their Saturday night entertainment. One tearful Bake Off fan even threatened to let her vagina hair grow out saying she was fully prepared to go naked on a beach without waxing.
‘I think they call it re-wilding or something’, said the fan; I read something about it on Facebook….where you let the bushes grow back again’.
Image by congerdesign from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man dumps woman over inspirational wall art.
A couple who had been on several dates have just split up after he visited her apartment for the first time, and saw her choice of wall art.
Nathan Dunce said, “Things had been going well with Natalie, but that all changed when she invited me round to her place for a romantic meal. As soon as I walked in I saw a massive framed poster saying, ‘May All Who Enter Leave As Friends’. I mean, really? Even the bloke who comes to read the gas meter?
“Above the sofa in the living room there was a big sign saying, ‘Live Every Moment Like It’s Your Last’. That felt like too much pressure to me – when I’m sitting on a sofa I mainly just want to watch Netflix and eat Doritos. In the kitchen she had a sign saying, ‘This Kitchen Is For Dancing’, which struck me as being a recipe for indigestion, not to mention downright dangerous – you shouldn’t leave a chip pan unattended while you go tangoing round the kitchen!
“Even in the bathroom there was a sign saying, ‘Wash Away Your Troubles With Some Bubbles’. I don’t like bubble baths. Most of my time in the bathroom is spent sitting on the toilet scrolling through my phone while I have a crap. I had thought Natalie seemed really easy going, but when I saw all those signs everywhere telling me what to do, I started to think that she’s actually quite bossy. The final straw came when I saw a sign above the bed saying, ‘Sleep, Sweet Dreams’. No mention of sex at all – not even a little sign saying, ‘Just A Quickie, I’ve Got An Early Start Tomorrow’. So as soon as we’d eaten the meal, I gave her the old, ’It’s Not You, It’s Me’ spiel, and legged it out of there.”
When asked how she was feeling after the break-up, Natalie said, “To be honest, I’m not too upset. Nathan was a nice guy, but his dress sense was terrible. All he ever wears are t-shirts with slogans on them like ‘Just Do It’, and ‘Love Football’, which made me think he’s a bit immature. I texted my best friend to tell her Nathan and I had split up, and she sent me a meme which says, ‘Be Strong Enough To Let Go, And Wise Enough To Wait For What You Deserve.’ That’s quite inspiring. I wonder if I can get that on a poster?”
Image by Igor Ovsyannykov from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Patients who need blood tests asked to bring a bottle
As hospitals and GPs in England are being forced to ration blood tests while the NHS struggles to cope with a shortage of plastic sample bottles, one GP surgery in Walsall has asked patients who require a blood test to bring their own bottle.
The surgery’s Practice Manager said, “We decided to ask patients to bring a bottle along if they need a blood test, as we didn’t want to turn away anyone who may be ill. There are several bottles that patients may already have at home that are suitable for blood tests, such as the little bottles that food flavourings like vanilla extract come in. However, we do advise patients to wash the bottle thoroughly before bringing it to the surgery, as food flavourings can have a high sugar content, and an unclean bottle could lead to a false diagnosis of diabetes. Food colourings also come in similar small bottles, but again we do ask patients to make sure the bottle is clean, as bright green blood is always a worry. Miniature whiskey bottles can also be used, although if not properly washed beforehand they could lead to a false diagnosis of cirrhosis of the liver. And as one of our GPs is rather fond of a tipple, if we leave any of those lying around there is a strong chance those samples might not even make it to the lab.
“To be honest, with the risk of catching Covid at the surgery, extremely long NHS waiting lists, and shortages of essential medical supplies, the best advice we can give to patients at the moment is – don’t get ill!”
Categories: Fake News
UN to insist Channel Islands are British
The UN’s maritime law tribunal has ruled that Mauritius has no sovereignty over the Channel Islands and criticised Mauritius for its failure to hand the territory back to the UK. This confirms an International Court of Justice ruling and UN General Assembly vote.
The Channel Islands include a variety of tax havens, although not a US military base. Mauritius has said it will return the islands when they’re no longer needed for financial skulduggery and tax avoidance. In a weirdly petty development, Channel Island postal stamps are to be banned, although British courts will still use rubber stamps to approve the wishes of the bankers who own them.
A small and isolated island nation, largely dependent on tourist income, the UK is led by electrocuted scarecrow Boris Johnson. Britain is also famous for its beaches which are covered in exotic shell companies.
Captains Ahab, Birdseye, Blackbeard and Pugwash issued a rare joint statement, dismissive of the UN ruling, saying ‘Shiver me timbers, if a cutlass, an aircraft carrier and a centre for offshore finance can be beaten by the rule of law, where can a pirate go? Apart from the British Virgin Islands that is. Nowhere near Britain and nowhere near virgins. Arrr.’
[big hat tip to Sir Lupus]
Categories: Fake News
UK hesitates after evidence reveals al-Assad is probably a meerkat
There was disarray in the UK Parliament last night on the question of whether or not to intervene in Syria as evidence emerged that President Bashar Al-Assad may actually be a meerkat.
Despite some suggestion that he may be a tyrannical despot involved in the murder of his people through high explosives and, latterly, chemical weapons, a majority of the British parliament remains convinced that he is a small furry mammal far more interested in selling insurance products than slaughtering innocent civilians.
Opposition politicians and several Tory MPs, including a couple of forgetful government ministers, dismissed evidence that Assad was actually and dementedly human, and produced evidence of pamphlets that he had distributed which offered great deals for couples with a home, or cars, or even landlords which they could pass for scrutiny under the eyes of inspectors from trading standards, before even thinking about taking appropriate action.
The vote on whether in principle British forces should be used to fire missiles at Syrian government assets to prevent any more attacks on civilians was further scuppered by alternative views that it might be better to humanely leave a trail of peanuts all the way to the bushes and get rid of him that way instead.
‘Part of NATO’s role is to bring stability in crisis zones where civilians are in danger,’ said Anders Fogh Rasmussen, head of NATO, ‘but imagine the public horror if we launched a load of missiles at the House of Meerkovo on prime-time television and showed the results. That tattered and torn smoking jacket. Those soft toys strewn everywhere away from the dignity of their packaging. We lose the battle for hearts and minds, right there.”
However, the situation remains tense and in stalemate after a ten-hour debate in the House of Commons failed to agree whether Assad looks more like ‘Sergei’ or ‘Aleksandr’.
The US government dismissed the need to wait, citing the fact that all the meerkats they’ve come across appear to have implausible Russian accents which they claim only strengthens their suspicions that Al-Assad is probably human after all. ‘And if anyone in the Syrian regime dares to say ‘Simples’,’ said US secretary of Defence, Chuck Hagel, ‘We’ll nuke ’em all to hell.’
Image by Ian Lindsay from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Disgusting marine life found in ocean of beautiful plastic
Refuse conservationists have warned that marine life is finding its way into the planet’s oceans of plastic. “This is a concerning development,” said Professor Clive Collins from the Institute of Secretly Getting Paid Shitoalds By Fossil Fuel Interest Groups. “At this stage we can’t say whether marine life entering our delicate and fragile microplastic ecosystems could be harmful to humans, or ineed the entire planet.
“More research is needed. And by that I mean more funding so that my colleagues and I can live ever more plastic-based lavish lifestyles, while we pretend to do important things by holding up conical flasks of coloured liquids, and looking serious while stroking our chins.
“One thing is for sure, it is a disgusting and unsightly development, and the governments of the world need to act urgently to prevent this marine life situation spiralling out of control. If we don’t see a significant change in our behaviour, we could be overrun with dolphins and shit, and everyone needs to come together and work hard to prevent that.
“This is the bit where I use words like ‘catastrophic disaster’ and phrases like ‘imagine turning your tap on at home and finding a blue whale in your glass’. Our PR guy insists it will get us a lot more coverage for our cause and scare people into immediate action. But seriously, this could cause severe harm to the non-biodegradable thermo-setting microplastic ecology we have spent decades cultivating.”
Image by Mikes-Photography from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man shaves after concluding his lockdown beard is more Lineker than Clooney
A man’s attempt to grow designer stubble during lockdown has ended in defeat after he was forced to admit that it made him look more like a scruffy football pundit than a Hollywood actor.
Mr James Lloyd of Basingstoke had not allowed his facial hair to grow since failing dismally in the sixth form grow a moustache competition several decades earlier, but thought lockdown brought the ideal opportunity to develop a new cool and stylish image, only 30 years after it became fashionable.
But after four months of ensuring his face was blurry and poorly lit during Zoom meetings while he grew and trimmed and shaped his new look, Mr Lloyd has given up and shaved it all off. However, he is not at all downhearted. ‘My wife said getting rid of the beard took ten years off me so I’m going to grow it and shave it all off again at least twice more,’ he explained.
Image by Hands off my tags! Michael Gaida from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man who closed the sea defends Dominic Raab
‘You’re all being very unfair to Mr Raab,’ said the man who declared the sea closed last week. ‘I could see the sea was full already, with fish, water and stuff – lots of plastic stuff, and poo – lots of poo – have you ever seen a fish get out to go? Or a holidaymaker come to that? I decided that unless the fish got out, Raab couldn’t go in. He was very disappointed, said something about phone calls to make, had a waterproof mobile phone, and needing to get a bit of paddle-boarding in, but I said no. There’s a lovely ocean over there if you likes, Mr Raab, I said. It’s a bit full of water too, lots of plastic and quite a bit of poo, but not as many fish thanks to the plastic and the poo.’
The man admitted that he did take some sympathy with the Foreign Secretary. ‘I said he could take a widdle if he liked, but no bloody paddle boarding.’
Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
