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Schools needing a CO2 monitor to be provided with a canary
The means of monitoring ventilation and the spread of Covid is only one small, yellow bird away according to Government research. Should the bird turn blue and drop off their perch, it will explain why all the schoolchildren are blue and lying unconscious under their desks.
The classroom will be evacuated and designated as an appropriately sized office space or a ‘spacious London apartment’. The students will then be moved to a smaller classroom to recover, but one with no annoying bird in it – or windows.
This cost saving measure will cut the expense of actual monitors and has no connection whatsoever with the fact the Education Secretary’s best friend from Uni runs a Canary Farm. Meanwhile the new coal mine in Cumbria will be fitted with small primary age children, in cages. Should the children turn blue and drop off their perch…
Categories: Fake News
Inventor of electric trouser press to be buried in coffin two inches deep. More soon
Categories: Fake News
New TV satire show entirely for Snowflakes, That Was The Woke That Was. More later
Categories: Fake News
DDoS activists ‘think they are so funny’
The NewsBiscuit tech team, analysts and spin doctors have spent the whole of Sunday evening up until medication and cocoa time attempting to resolve what appears to be yet another Dedicated Denial of Service (DDoS) upon NewsBiscuit.
Not everyone thinks this is the work of disenchanted hackers looking for easy prey. ‘It’s a conspiracy,’ said a conspiracy theory expert. ‘Everyone knows all conspiracy theories are started by the government,’ citing ‘Brexit’ and ‘Johnson apparently being a Prime Minister’ as examples, which seemed evidence enough. ‘You guys are always going after Raaaaab the Foreign Secretaaaaary, and Priti, please, Patel, so why wouldn’t they try to shut you down?’
Others think it is simpler than that. ‘It’s the Top Ten algorithm – it’s become sentient, gone rogue,’ said one contributor who didn’t want his name being released. ‘let’s just say, I’m always at number eleven,’ he grumbled.
Another suspect is Apostrophe Rebellion, AR. ‘It’s obviously the AR’s work – er, ARs’ work. Let’s just put it down to AR,’ said an expert.
Some believe the outage was caused by Biscuiteers themselves, panic downloading their whole writing history before the current site switches to the new site. ‘It was fine until Titus started,’ said one insider. ‘Fifteen terabytes of tickers that have never been used.’
‘It was never like this when JoF was in charge,’ accused one disgruntled Biscuiteer. ‘He’d go in with all guns blazing. Now they’ll probably just write a half arsed front page and carry on as if nothing happened.’
However, most experts believe it was DDOS activists, pubescent hackers without a life targeting middle aged men without a life. ‘We’re not so different,’ mused one Biscuiteer, ‘if they think they are so funny, why don’t they try writing for NewsBiscuit instead?’
Categories: Fake News
‘Desperate for love’ London woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner
A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told a local newspaper that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.
Speaking to The East London Gazette, Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, said: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.
“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.
“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.
“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.
“We would seize stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.
“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.
“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.
“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”
Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told the newspaper: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and panting, but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”
Categories: Fake News
Man in empty restaurant toilet can’t decide which urinal to use
Friends are becoming increasingly concerned for a man who visited the restaurant toilet over 20 minutes ago, unaware that he remains unable to commit to any one of the seven available urinals. Colin Dobson is getting a right sweat on and an increasingly agitated bladder, as he attempts to narrow down his choices to enable him to perform the normal bodily function of urine excretion.
We have exclusive access into Colin’s inner thought process: ‘Right. Think about this logically. If someone enters mid-stream which is the least-weirdest urinal to be using?’
‘Okay. Not the ones right at each end, obviously. That just looks like I don’t want them to catch the slightest glimpse of my penis due to its smallness, or some hideous abnormality or they think I’m pretending to wee while I wait to meet a stranger for sex.’
‘Good. We’re making progress. Not the middle one, obviously. That’s just basically, ‘come and look at my enormous wanger while I wazz like an excessively hydrated race horse.’
‘That leaves two on either side. Hmmm. Any of those makes me look like I’m trying too hard to hide my small/hideous and/or enormous junk and/or that I’m just pretending because I’m waiting to meet a stranger for sex.’
‘Right. Cubicle it is. Wait, what are you thinking? People will think I’m having a number two is way worse.’
‘B*llocks!’
One friend commented: ‘Yep, he’s still in there. If I had to guess, when washing his hands, he accidentally splashed himself in a way that makes him look like he’s wee’d himself, and so he’s busy trying to manoeuvre his groin area into the air dryer.’
‘Am I right?’
Categories: Fake News
Were you mis-sold a PFI or WMD by Tony Blair? You may be due some compensation
People of Afghanistan, you may be able to claim a cash settlement of up to £7.23, if you or a loved one were accidental killed in attempt to boost Tony Blair’s ego. If you were told that your country had WMD or Osama Bin Laden hiding in your attic, you may have been the victim of an elaborate fraud.
Were you offered infrastructure projects at vastly inflated prices, that never materialized? Does that sound familiar? Sadly, it was too late for the citizens of the UK, who already handed over £300bn, with the vague promise that Alastair Campbell would tarmac their drive.
Leading a notorious group of conmen, Blair tricked voters into three election victories, but by 2001 he was aiming for something bigger – a lap dance with George Bush. Be warned, Blair is still at large today, often using the fake ID of ‘Peace Envoy’. People of Afghanistan, if you think you may have been duped by him – join the queue.
Categories: Fake News
Ear wax “endlessly fascinating” confirms Lancashire man
Jack Pickles of Blackpool has explained to his wife that the wax, and other items, pulled from his ears are things of incredible interest.
Mrs Pickles explained the revelation; “Whatever’s going on; eating meals, watching TV or just chatting, if Jack finds something on his finger that’s come out his his ear, he has to examine it. I’m sure he’s got a collection somewhere.”
Mr Pickles denied having a collection, although he admitted it was “a cracking idea.”
Mrs Pickles has recently filed for divorce after the giant screen at a sports event showed him comparing two lumps and discussing them with the man next door.
Categories: Fake News
Man distraught after discovering ‘wedding breakfast’ isn’t a posh fry-up
Paul Smith from Eastleigh is now entering the fifth day of a sulk, after discovering too late that a wedding breakfast isn’t the ‘fry up in a tux’ he had been both imagining and looking forward to since receiving his invitation eight months prior.
The 23 year-old shop assistant had never been invited to a wedding before, so was both surprised and delighted to discover that his friends would be celebrating their matrimony with a cooked breakfast followed by a champagne reception.
‘I genuinely thought they were recreating our ‘Spoons breakfast with a pint’ student days, but in a more upmarket fashion.’ says Paul. ‘You can imagine my surprise then, when someone put a plate of potato fondant and some piped pink prawn rubbish sprinkled with grass in front of me. I was so cross. I had even turned down paying the extra tenner at the Premier Inn for breakfast that morning so I could save myself for the wedding breakfast. What a crock of shite.’
Despite being ‘the worst day of [his] life’ the occasion took an unexpected positive turn for the 23 year-old.
‘On the plus side, during the speeches, one of the bridesmaids mistook my tears of bitterness and loathing for me being in touch with my emotional side and found it super attractive, so we went back to my hotel.’ said Paul. ‘Let’s just say, at least there was one of us who wasn’t disappointed by a lack of sausage.’
Categories: Fake News
DUP: ‘Away an catch yerselves on! We’re not irrelevant crackpots, so we’re not!’
A couple of years is a long time in politics, and none feel it more keenly than members of the DUP’s parliamentary party.
Ever since the group of reactionary oddballs, keen to return to their happy place – the 14th century – was shat on from a great height by Boris Johnson, when Tories no longer needed to endure the shame of having them prop up the Westminster government, the Northern Ireland group has had to come to the bitter acceptance, that once again, they are a total irrelevance in British politics.
However, DUP spokesman and Witchfinder General, Nelson Nelson, was today refusing to accept what everyone else sees as cold hard facts.
‘Away an catch yerselves on! Sure, we’re as relevant today as we’ve ever been. And as a matter of fact we intend to bring forward a private members’ bill to call for the reinstatement of the rack, thumbscrews and the breaking wheel for heretics, Catholics and those found guilty of homosexuality, witchcraft, or worst of all, being one of thon other crowd.
‘We certainly will continue to make our voices heard, so we will. No doubt about that. Oh aye, mark my words. Tiocfaidh ár lá… no… hang on a minute… erm… ah ballix to it!’
Categories: Fake News
Experts say gold coins found under St Pauls are first example of Cryptcurrency
Categories: Fake News
Raab see Exit?
Categories: Fake News
European Central Bank and English Cricket Board have thumb war over who keeps acronym
Categories: Fake News
Britain leaves Eurovision song contest while Australia applies to join EU
The UK government has insisted that voters in the referendum on leaving the EU would have understood it to extend to the Eurovision song contest. Representatives insisted Britain could go it alone in creating a “bolder, camper and culturally deficit version of a song contest”, and didn’t need cooperation with other countries to achieve that, saying it’s domestic supply was ample.
Meanwhile Australia’s recent entry into the Eurovision song contest has been seen as an important first step in Australia’s application to gain EU membership. A source close to the EU revealed: “It makes sense. At any point half the Australian 18-25 population is back-packing in Europe while 50% of highly qualified European university graduates are picking fruit in Australia. And since Britain has left our quota of crony capitalist fossil fuelled militarily-industrial states is at historically low levels”.
However, the source added that before it will consider Australia’s application, the country must improve it’s human rights record for Aboriginals and asylum seekers, reduce systemic racism, reduce it’s extinction rate and actually have a climate change policy beyond “the coal industry told us to say this”.
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister whose name no-one can remember said that “these were inseparable parts of our 120 year old national Australian culture, so don’t ask us to change them”.
When asked to elaborate on Australia’s non-existent climate change policy the spokesperson added “digging things out the ground and selling them to the rest of the world has been the basis of our economy for 120 years. Oh, that and sheep. It’s not like we’ve got a limitless supply of sunshine and tidal power that we could harness to export renewable energy, we’re not that fortunate. We’ll just have to stick to being the world’s largest coal exporter as we can’t think of any other options. Don’t read this bit out but finish by making some off-hand comment about how harmless coal mining is. Oh whoops”.
Hat-tip Sir Lupus
Categories: Fake News
Dominic Raab planning to invade Europe from his Li-Lo
Following the government’s successful orderly withdrawal from Afghanistan, planned from holiday beaches adorned by Prime Minister Johnson and Foreign Secretary Raab, the government has confirmed that military decisions are in future to be taken while on holiday.
‘The pressure and typically abysmal lighting in war rooms just creates a morose atmosphere, leading to rush decisions involving troops, whereas considering deploying soldiers while enjoying happy hour on a sun-kissed beach helps put everything into perspective,’ said a spokesman for the Foreign Secretary. ‘So we thought “f@*k it, let’s just travel to tourist destinations and chill while we determine the appropriate action to take when our interests are attacked, or our allies do us over.’ He confirmed that pushing the nuclear button would feel ‘much more fun while sipping pina coladas’.
Opposition MPs reluctantly agreed that there’s no point in Raab being the Foreign Secretary unless he is permanently overseas. ‘Might as well be on permanent holiday, for all the use he is,’ said one MP.
Categories: Fake News
