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Told you so, say Aztec priests
Priests from the temple of the Aztec night god Tezcatlipoca at Tenochtitlan have been gloating at the discomfiture of the British public as another cloudy and drizzly summer fizzles out to its inevitable end. They now feel vindicated in their view that at least 2,000 human sacrifices are needed every day to make the sun rise.
‘Life is because of the gods, with their sacrifice they gave us life. Everything – sun, crops, moon, stars, Lisa Stansfied, tinned ravioli, everything – comes from that,’ said the discarnate soul of Ixaccihuatl, former Aztec chief priest, who was channelled by Derek Acorah. ‘We told the Spanish conquistadors as much in 1519 too, but none of you would listen. Well, serves you right.’
Under the Aztec Empire, constant wars were fought against neighbouring tribes to provide sacrifices to Tezcatlipoca and the sun god Huitzilopochtl to ensure that the sun continued to circle the Earth. Some have observed that Londoners could probably capture and sacrifice the requisite number from East Anglia to ensure a rather pleasant Indian Summer weekend later this month without anyone noticing.
‘When we sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli, the victim would be placed on a sacrificial stone, then the priest would cut through the abdomen with an obsidian blade. The heart would be torn out still beating and held towards the sky and the body would be either cremated or given to the warrior responsible for the capture of the victim, who would either send the parts to other important men as an offering or eat them,’ explained Ixaccihuatl. ‘A bit like Friday night in Croydon, then.’
Without a constant supply of victims, the Aztecs believed, the 52-year cycle of life on Earth could come to an end or Arsenal might win a game, whichever is the earlier. The Daily Express is believed to be planning a three-page feature article on the subject next week, unless house prices change in the interim.
Categories: Fake News
Johnson defends Isle of Skye withdrawal
Boris Johnson has today defended the UK’s military withdrawal from the Isle of Skye. The occupation, the UK’s longest overseas deployment, comes after peace talks with the indigenous ‘Essenpee’ tribe last year, which were held in Cockermouth.
The Essenpee, who practice an ultra-devout form of fried Mars bar-eating washed down with Frosty Jack, gave assurances last year that the withdrawal would be ‘Nae bother, hen’ but local residents have already complained that the peace talks and assurances from the group were ‘bollocks’.
Mr Johnson, speaking from the depths of an inflatable sex doll, stated: ‘We should be proud of the sacrifices made – indeed they have not been in vain – but Skye is an awful long way away and people will hopefully forget about it tout suite’.
ArthurPyke
Categories: Fake News
American teens see no reason to enter haunted house
A group of good-looking American teenagers have refused point-blank to enter a reputedly haunted house on the outskirts of their town. Despite their self-confessed stupidity and the lack of better things to do on a hot summer night in Clarksville, Tennessee, all seven said that they had no interest in exploring the derelict mansion at 2300 Hullsport Road.
‘I’m like, what would be the point of that?’ handsome 19-year-old high school quarterback Josh McGiffin told reporters. ‘There’s nothing to see in there, right?’ McGiffin added that he does not believe in ghosts or stuff, not even those of the three young drifters who were brutally gunned down by the deranged householder at the house exactly 50 years ago today and who are said to scream plaintively through the night on every anniversary. More to the point, he said, the house must be extremely dirty and possibly dangerous after so many years of neglect.
Tammy Johnson, 18, the former cheerleader who is the prettiest of the three girls in the group, said that she personally believes the ghost stories and would never go into the house. ‘It’s really creepy. Like, I know I’m blonde but I’m not that stupid,’ she said. ‘And even if I did go in, I definitely wouldn’t do it in diaphanous underwear.’
The daring prospect of pushing open the creaky cobweb covered door, did briefly attract them, but a mad old local told them to keep well away from that old place, and the teenagers agreed that it would be wise to follow the advice of someone more experienced than themselves. They eventually decided to drive aimlessly around town all night instead. Added Dwayne Beasley: ‘I’m the only black guy in the group, so no way man, I’d be toast the moment we got in that place.’
Categories: Fake News
Emma Raducanu’s success ‘all down to Piers Morgan’
Good Morning Britain’s former gammon-in-chief Piers Morgan has taken full credit for teenage tennis sensation Emma Raducanu’s stellar performances at the US Open in New York, despite making a string of derogatory remarks after she retired at Wimbledon with breathing difficulties.
A spokesman clarified ‘Piers was happy to mansplain tennis, sports psychology and athleticism to Emma and now look at her. It’s only women’s sport, which Piers says is scientifically not as good as men’s, but he’s always happy to watch short-skirted teenage girls sweating, screaming and grunting.’
A former GMB insider commented ‘Ironically, Piers used to get breathing difficulties every time he pretended to storm off the GMB set. He wouldn’t come back on immediately because he needed a sit down and a biscuit.’ Raducanu’s coach unofficially confirmed that his last piece of advice before the qualifying rounds started was about Morgan. To be precise, he said she should imagine the tennis ball was Morgan’s face.
Born in Canada to Romanian and Chinese parents, Raducanu has lived in the UK since she was two years old, presenting traditional tennis-loving racists with a dilemma. Two Daily Express headlines have been prepared for the morning after the final depending on the result: ‘Queen Emma takes New York – how Meghan tried to stop nation’s sweetheart’s triumph’ and ‘Did taxpayers fund teenage immigrant’s New York tennis-losing jaunt?’
A Daily Telegraph photographer sleazed ‘Never mind where she’s from. She’s 18, just done her A-levels, she’s wearing a tiny skirt and she jumps a lot. Jackpot.’
Categories: Fake News
Patel insists that Emma Raducanu be replaced by out of work teenager from Hull
Categories: Fake News
Secret agent who stole 27 underpants from a washing line hauled in for a debrief
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Categories: Fake News
Boxers to require both jabs
Categories: Fake News
Indian team admits: ‘We just didn’t fancy a week in Manchester’
The Indian cricket board has ‘regretfully’ announced that they cannot field a team for the final Test Match at Old Trafford, because they are 2-1 up in the series, and their players want to get home to somewhere with decent weather, perhaps a beach, and put their feet up before the highly lucrative Indian Premier League starts in two weeks’ time.
It is understood that the England and Wales Cricket Board stands to lose £20 million, while the IPL is worth £300m to the Bank of Credit and Commerce International – whoops, Board of Control of Cricket India. Or rather, it is now worth £280 million after the ECB changed the status of the match from ‘forfeited by India, series drawn 2-2′ to ‘cancelled, India win the series 2-1′ in the early hours of this morning.
Meanwhile, some of the backroom staff have unfortunately tested positive for COVID, none of the actual players have, but as a spokesperson shouted from a taxi on the way to the airport. ‘You can’t be too careful eh?’
Categories: Fake News
Priti Patel – the face that sank a thousand ships
Boats in the English Channel carrying refugees can now be turned around on the whim of Home Secretary and third rate Bond villain Priti Patel, who is said to have bought an evil white cat to celebrate.
One junior Home Office flunky twitched nervously as they whispered: ‘She might use the power of her smirk to summon up high winds and favourable tides for washing the refugee rafts back to the French coast. There’s another theory that she wants to use the new Royal Yacht so that she can sink their dinghies of despair, literally in her wake, all whilst sipping champagne on the deck and wearing a fleece with her name on.’
French officials say Britain would be breaking international maritime law, but have in turn been criticised for expecting the Tories to abide by any law that doesn’t pander to their base or directly enrich their friends and colleagues.
Categories: Fake News
Canine Genital Mutilation: Britain’s hidden scandal
In what is thought to be the first case of its kind, a Cocker Spaniel called Rusty is suing a couple from Hampshire in the High Court for subjecting him to canine genital mutilation (CGM) without his consent. The case has highlighted the little known practice of CGM, which is believed to have involved millions of adoptive parents in an appalling betrayal of trust.
‘When Mr and Mrs Smart bought Rusty from a breeder in 2015, all his reproductive parts were in perfect working order,’ said Gerald McQuillan, a lawyer acting on Rusty’s behalf. ‘Being a young and virile dog, like all Cocker Spaniels of his age, he was looking forward to the company of bitches of many different breeds and had in theory, many years of sexual pleasure ahead of him.’
However, soon after being taken into the couple’s home, it is alleged that Rusty was bundled into the back of a BMW Estate and driven to a private clinic, where he was drugged and subjected to an extremely evasive surgery, a surgery that has changed his life completely. Records have shown that at no time did Rusty agree or give his consent to the operation verbally or in writing.
‘Although he is unsure of an exact time frame, when Rusty later regained consciousness he found himself in a wicker basket, back in the home of his abusers and that a large cardboard cylinder or cone had been forced down over his head, presumably to stop Rusty seeing the damage that the clinic had inflicted on his private parts,’ McQuillan said. ‘As well as obscuring his view, it will be argued that the cone also prevented Rusty from enjoying his favourite pastime of licking his own nuts.’
Since the visit to the clinic, it is claimed, Rusty’s personality no longer seeks the company of female dog. Indeed, this once lovable, excitable rogue is now just a shadow of his former self, who spend most of his time on a window sill, sadly looking out into the street and watching other dogs taking their balls to the park. He has also been seen dry-humping table legs in a vain pursuit of the sexual pleasure that was his birthright, hinting at the psychiatric trauma inflicted on him by this vile practice.
Categories: Fake News
TV first as pathologist gives precise time of death
A pathologist in a TV detective series has, for the first time ever, given an absolutely precise time of death for a victim when asked at the crime scene by a pushy detective, it emerged today. The news come after nearly 10,000 episodes of dramas in which the pathologist, busying himself looking over a body, and obviously irritated by people contaminating his crime scene, has, when asked the question ‘Do we know the time of death yet?’, responded with ‘It’s far too early to tell, I’ll know more back at the lab.’
‘Dead easy this one’, said Richard McBride, a chirpy pathologist, within three minutes of the opening episode of Waking Vera’s Witness on ITV. ‘Checked body temperature, compared to norms for someone this size and age, factored in the outside temperature. Oh and he was watching the football on his phone and when he fell over after being hit on the head by someone, his body must have accidentally pressed a screenshot saying 8.26 p.m. So, time of death was 8.26 p.m.’
When asked about the cause of death, McBride was equally emphatic. ‘Definitely that hammer over there’, he said, triumphantly pointing at the blunt-ended instrument protruding from some undergrowth. ‘Look, there’s a big hammer type wound on his head, and, well, the hammer is right there with some blood on it, so I’m calling it, ok. Anything else you guys need?’
McBride confirmed that no, he didn’t need to run toxicology reports that would take two days to come back and reveal some anomalies, nor did he need to look under fingernails for signs of a fight, or check for any pre-existing conditions that might cause the victim to fall over after being dizzy and cast some doubt on the obvious explanation about 40 minutes into the show.
‘Right, if you pick him up by the legs, I’ll get his arms and we can take him back in your Landrover to save time’, said McBride to the DCI. ‘Pick up that hammer and chuck it in your boot too, will you? I’ve pinged over my report to you already. God, let’s get out of here, I’m going to throw up otherwise. I hate the sight of blood, don’t you?’.
Categories: Fake News
Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired using Lorraine Kelly’s discarded knickers
There was an early Christmas present for the long-suffering residents of Hammersmith and Fulham earlier today, when the council announced that the stricken Hammersmith Bridge, which has been closed to all traffic due to structural compromises since 2018, is to be restored to its former glory by shoring up the huge cracks that have appeared in the structure with over a thousand pairs of knickers discarded into the Thames by morning TV legend and Hammersmith resident, Lorraine Kelly.
A recent dredging of the Thames at nearby Putney uncovered over a tonne of Kelly’s undergarments which she has been throwing from the bridge on a daily basis since the late 1990s rather than having to go through the process of washing them and putting them in the tumble dryer.
An enterprising civil engineer has hit upon the idea of forcing the sodden knickers into the cracks on Hammersmith Bridge before drying them off with a hairdryer until they take on the structural properties of reinforced concrete.
A delighted Kelly told newsmen: ‘This is wonderful news for the people of Hammersmith and a real boost for me and my dog, Archie, to know that my worn undercrackers are being used to improve the lives of the local people who have suffered for so long, the puir wee things. And my dog, Archie, is very happy about that. Did I mention I’ve got a dog called Archie?’
Just three years ago a pair of outsize Y-Front Jockey underpants donated by roly-poly TV presenter, Eammon Holmes were used to provide a temporary road bridge across the River Severn during construction work on the supports of the iconic bridge structure.
Categories: Fake News
Cost of knighthood ‘way beyond means of average crook on the make’
The Bank of England has expressed concern that cost of knighthoods has risen beyond the reach of the ordinary corrupt, egotistical, rich bastard in the street. The Governor, Sir Sir Sir Sir Sir Andrew Bailey, explained: ‘Forty years ago, being an MP was enough to be guaranteed a knighthood; 30 years ago, 300k would get it, but nowadays, being a rich, stupid person isn’t enough. You have to be a stupidly rich, rich person and donate a couple of million.’
Asked asked why he hadn’t received a knighthood, Prime Minister Boris Johnson (no, really) replied: ‘Ah, well, when I was told how much it cost, I asked a donor to pay for it, then he ended getting it.’
Categories: Fake News
Urgent recall announced due to electrical fault in 8.2 million deadly Cheerios
Owners of Cheerios have been urged to contact their Weetabix dealers as soon as possible, due to a serious fault discovered across the entire range of models manufactured by Nestle. A faulty electrical component key to Cheerio functionality has been discovered which can cause individual rings to explode. Owners are strongly advised to check all of the locations where they may have a Weetabix parked, and return even very old models from many years ago.
Supermarket own brand knock-offs are not affected, although customers might have trouble spotting the differences. Those who need to use their Cheerios urgently, even in emergency situations, are advised to switch to full-sized Shredded Wheat where possible, though on no account should they try to eat three. Those concerned that they are hearing snaps, crackles and pops should not be alarmed, as that is normal for other Weetabix alternatives.
Categories: Fake News
Don’t trigger Article 50 on my account, says Trigger
Trigger, the affable roadsweeper and Nags Head regular from Only Fools and Horses, has distanced himself from the Brexit negotiations after expressing his frustration with the almost incessant media references to Article 50 being ‘triggered’.
‘I’m fed up with it, Dave,’ Trigger told Times journalist Rodney Williams. ‘If they think the whole Brexit agenda is a busted flush, they should say so. Article 50 and constitutional crises are the only things I’m compared to. It’s offensive and I’m not trigger-happy.’
The idea of Article 50 being triggered was initially designed to conjure up an image of David Cameron and George Osborne standing at the Commons bar on the eve of the Brexit vote, with Cameron whispering ‘Play it cool son, I think we’re in here’, before falling away into oblivion. However, the outcome is now said to be more reminiscent of the chandelier scene.
chrisf
Categories: Fake News
Union Jack ‘must fly outside every house in the UK’
As its inexorable skew to the Right intensifies at breakneck speed, news has emerged that, should he be returned as Prime Minister following the much-touted imminent general election, one of the first steps a new Boris Johnson administration will take will be to pass a law making it mandatory for the erection of a flagpole and Union Jack at every household across the land.
Details are sketchy at the moment but it’s understood that each morning at sunrise, and then again at sunset, a new Government Broadcasting Corporation, formed to replace the BBC, will play a medley of The Dambusters March, Rule Britannia and Land of Hope and Glory through a newly constructed national network of street klaxons.
During the broadcast the householder and his or her family will conduct “a solemn and respectful ceremony to honour our most glorious Empire.” Failure to comply will see the entire family rounded up and deported to one of six large internment camps to be constructed just outside Scunthorpe.
Billericay costermonger and staunch Brexit supporter, Barry Shite, a man with an IQ of less than 70 welcomes the move. ‘This is facking great nooze and long overdue too, mate. It’s about time we stood up and was counted.’
‘We once ruled the world and we are going to rule it again. Here, pal… would you like a bendy banana before you go?’
Categories: Fake News
Rashford not sure which white cabinet minister he spoke to
Footballer Marcus Rashford has allegedly revealed to friends that he’s no longer sure if he had a Zoom meeting with Gavin Williamson or Dominic Raab. A spokesperson for the England international said ‘It’s pretty weird that guaranteeing poor kids have enough food to eat is such a long conversation. The problem is Marcus can’t remember which white middle-aged Dickensian villain masquerading as a cabinet minister, that he spoke to.’
Political commentator Marianne Morrison attempted to solve the conundrum, saying: ‘It probably wasn’t Raab, he doesn’t really do phone calls. The talent vacuum that is Gavin Williamson? His energy is ex-TA and constantly going on about it. Williamson becoming Secretary of State for Education gives hope to all the divorced dads out there, desperately trying to impress the children of their new, younger partner. There’s a limited number of times that making your thumb disappear is going to cut it, best get that tarantula back in the game.’
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the embattled Education Secretary confirmed that all ‘bleeding heart liberals’ looked the same to him. ‘Besides, football, rugby, what’s the difference? Neither is cricket, correct?’
The awkwardness of the moment was not dispelled when Williamson also claimed that Gandalf and Dumbledore were one and the same, while Jedward was only one guy. He went on to say over-weight women were just pregnant and that Samuel L Jackson was in The Matrix. The aide explained: ‘The important thing is that all starving school children look the same to Mr Williamson – expendable’.
Hat tip Wrenfoe
Categories: Fake News
Tories: ‘Burn down country, claim National Insurance money’
National Insurance contributions are being increased, in a move likely to be popular with Conservatives, as it disproportionately targets the young and lower earners, two groups least able to pay and who would be insufficiently targeted by tax rises. Tax rises are triggering for Tories as they can lead to wealthier people paying more and even election defeats. Cries of ‘Oh yeah, stick it in my veins’ could clearly be heard emerging from 1922 Committee types all over Westminster.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst snorted: ‘An essential piece of Johnsonian disaster capitalism is that you need to cause as many disasters as possible. This Tory government is doing its best to burn the country to the ground so that we can claim National Insurance money. That’s how it works, right? Increased social care? No, that doesn’t sound very ‘on-brand’ for us.’
Categories: Fake News
City of London promises to re-wild itself
Jeremy Bayer, leader of the City of London Council, has declared to a shocked Zoom audience (some of whom were awake) that in order to achieve net zero it will be necessary to stop all flood defence activity. With the aid of rising sea levels he expected the whole area to regenerate very quickly providing a colossal bonus in salary for himself as government carbon reduction targets were exceeded.
‘No one lives here anymore anyway’ he said. ‘The city is like a doughnut, all the best bits are on the outside’. Other benefits include a huge reduction in road rage incidents due to the new mud and peat bogs, elimination of knife crime as the blades rust away and wailing sirens replaced by the haunting cry of the curlew above the windswept moor.
Image:Â PhoenixRisingStock/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
