Feed aggregator
‘Real people answering phones is the future’ claims communications company
It’s being claimed that some time in the not too distant future whenever we telephone a major corporation, the phone will not be answered by an automated robot, but in fact the voice we hear on the other end of the line will be a real human being!
This may sound like something straight out of some crazy sci-fi film and yet one Winchester communications company insists that it may be coming sooner than we think.
Phone Sensical’s Barney Lingholm says: ‘Just imagine a scenario if you will. Your gas bill says that you have used £3,400,000 in one quarter, nearly double what you might expect, so you call up and a robot answers: ‘For billing queries press-1, for… yaddada-yaddada… and so on. You press the relevant number, the robot puts you on hold and you listen to a tone-deaf Stylophone player murdering Vivaldi’s Four Seasons for the next thirty minutes, before being inexplicably cut-off just as you get connected to a real person at the call centre in Mumbai.’
‘However, once a company installs our new technology’, enthuses Lingholm, ‘The number will either ring out briefly then be answered by a real person, or else you’ll get an engaged tone in which case you can go and make a cup of tea and try again later. When you do get through the person answering will ask which department you require and then transfer you to another human being who will deal promptly with your query.’
However big-business has been quick to pour cold water on the idea. A spokesperson for the gas sector commented: ‘That has to be the craziest idea I’ve ever heard in my life and it would never work in a million years. For decades customers have called premium-rate numbers and been put on hold for interminably long periods of time before being thwarted in their purpose at every turn. And anyway, we’d have to pay real people. Robots cost nothing.’
An undaunted Lingholm remains adamant that the days of the phone robot are numbered, but concedes there will have to be one notable exception. ‘Jobcentre Plus is protected by a charter stating that at all times it must provide its callers with the most soul-destroying, unhelpful and life-sapping experience imaginable, so obviously it will not be employing real people in its call centre… ever.’
Categories: Fake News
HGV test will scrap reversing, braking and steering
To artificially boost the number of learner drivers passing, the government has made a series of sweeping changes to Heavy Goods Vehicle driving examinations. A government spokesmoog blithered on at a press conference purely for the benefit of the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail:
‘The critical shortage of lorry drivers, which has nothing to do with Brexit or the billions of pounds we squandered on creating hostile environments for those operating in the haulage sector, means we now have to panic and do silly things which make no sense, but which play well to the fluffbrains somehow still backing the Conservative Party despite our best lack of efforts.
‘We learned a lot from a focus group of Boris-positive hairy gibbons we rounded up in the Whipsnade area. So, going forwards, HGV learner drivers will not be required to reverse their rigs. Instead, loading docks will be replaced with gangs of highway pirates who can strip the cargo out of an 18-wheeler in under two minutes.
‘Drivers will not be required to brake for roundabouts, zebra crossings, school zones, or red lights. Unless those red lights are in the windows of brothels on the really dodgy side of Luton.
‘Of course, accurately urinating into empty bottles of Jack Daniels is a critical skill, and that will remain on the HGV test. Along with cooly oozing words into a CB radio like: Breaker, breaker, this is Bigrig calling Bandit – Cowgirl in denim hotpants stranded on the A2 just outside Gillingham.
‘And the public can rest assured that the construction of pornography collages for their cabs and the double-flashing of hotties with massive norks will still be compulsory.’
Categories: Fake News
All work and no pension makes Therese a dull girl
Work and Pensions Secretary Therese Coffey has unwittingly revealed a strikingly socialist agenda, following her intentionally bungled comment that 2 hours extra work cancels out the impending £20-a-week Universal Credit cut.
With just a nod, Coffey implicitly confirmed that the minimum wage will increase from £8.91/hour to £10/hour. Additionally those on minimum wage will pay zero tax (intriguing Jeff Bezos), pay zero National Insurance (intriguing Rishi Sunak), make zero pension contributions (intriguing herself) and pay zero childcare costs (intriguing Boris Johnson many times over).
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said: ‘Why don’t people on Universal Credit just get a second job on the board of a FTSE-100 company? My uncle says they usually pay hundreds of thousands a year for a few hours work. It’s all done via the Caymans, so tax is at Amazonian levels. I blame the lazy working poor, or maybe the EU somehow?’
Categories: Fake News
Man downs three-course lunch by 10:30am
A Norfolk man had face-binned his breakfast, brunch and a three-course luncheon at his desk by 10:27am it has been confirmed.
Spreadsheet-shuffler Rod Flannigan foolishly placed his transparent lunch box within the viewing angle of his laptop screen when starting work and was subsequently seen chowing down in anger before anyone had even made tea, according to witnesses.
‘I made the classic mistake of thinking I’d just have a bite of flapjack whilst firing up Outlook, which of course was bound to escalate! Before I knew what was happening I had grapes and Dairylea in my gob at the same time and my own hands force-fed me peanuts relentlessly like some Hadean punishment for gluttony’ Rod admitted of the feeding frenzy that would have made a Great White Shark look like a fussy eater.
‘It was like a starving lion neck deep in a zebra’s ribcage’ recounted a shaken colleague. ‘When I looked up there were crumbs and organic debris flying across the table as his substantial rations disintegrated into that howling maw in a matter of seconds. I got a crisp shard in my eye, McCoy’s Beef Flavour I think’.
Flannigan was later hosed down and put back to work in a dazed state before being spotted queuing at the chip van at 11:45, eating a sausage roll.
‘It’s something about work, I don’t eat like this at home’ he added. ‘We don’t have a chip van’.
Categories: Fake News
Parents threaten to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised
Just a week into the new term, parents are threatening to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised.
The ultimatum follows the leak of a report that showed the amount spent on uniforms this year exceeded NASA’s annual budget.
The proposed strike would affect essential services provided by mums and dads such as creating a World Book Day costume with 30 minutes notice, explaining why algebra will be useful in later life and liaising with the Tooth Fairy.
“If we don’t put school uniforms into public ownership, they’ll soon cost more than replica football kits. And I don’t mean Arsenal or Newcastle kits; I’m talking about kits for big teams” explained Bob Vine, a spokesman for the Coalition of Really Annoyed Parents (CRAP).
“It’s not just the cost, it’s the quality too. My son’s jumper already looks like a string-vest and his jacket is apparently water soluble.”
Parents are also demanding a public inquiry into allegations that school dinners are being seasoned with growth hormones after it emerged that thousands of children have already outgrown their new blazers, trousers and shoes.
Mr Vine is sceptical about the government’s plan to mitigate the effects of any strike by using army personnel.
“Just because you can diffuse a bomb in Iraq while under enemy fire doesn’t mean you’ve got the nerves of steel required to take a hyperactive five year-old to a birthday party at a soft-play.”
Categories: Fake News
Lorry driver penalised after doing a double light flash to a regular car
A Sheffield lorry driver is facing years in the wilderness, after having all forms of camaraderie removed by the HGV community. The extreme punishment was served after Michael McGuire, an Asda truck driver mistakenly flashed a Fiat 500 car back into the first lane of the motorway after it had overtaken his truck between Junction 18 and 19 of the M6.
‘The helpful double flash of the headlights, to indicate that it is safe to move back into lane 1 can only be offered by lorry drivers to similarly weighted vehicles over 7.5 tonnes, everyone knows that’, said Peter Smith of the Haulage Association, following a hearing of fellow HGV drivers at Lymm truck stop. ‘That warm feeling and compulsory obligation to thank them back with a quick ‘left-right-left’ of your indicators is only available to the lorry driving fraternity. It has to be, otherwise all social conventions of the road might as well be ripped up.’
In his defence, McGuire’s lawyer argued it was a genuine mistake. McGuire had been at the wheel for hours and an earlier glance in the mirror had revealed a Homesense truck pulling out rather than a Fiat overtaking. Unknown to McGuire, the Homesense driver had decided in the end to stay in the inside lane and get right up the arse of an elderly couple in a Micra. ‘My client has 10 years of unblemished truck driving’ , said his lawyer. ‘ He always pulls out into the second lane automaticallynafter 6 seconds of his indicator being on, and the neon signage behind his driving seat is second to none’.
Lorry drivers have been told to not acknowledge McGuire on major carriageways. He will also be barred for 2 years from doing that thing that lorry drivers do when a lane is closing on the motorway, where they straddle the 2 lanes and drive really slow with their hazards on.
Categories: Fake News
Things Prince Andrew is sweatier than
An elephant seal in a Turkish bath
A tin of Spam in an airing cupboard
Sir Philip Green at the BHS social club
A worm in a willywarmer
A bomb disposal expert with the hiccups
A ladybird in a field of venus flytraps
A tethered goat in Jurassic Park
A hedgehog in closet full of balloons
Boris Johnson on father’s day
A zebra on a leopard crossing
A pervert in a bin full of tits
An ewok on Tatooine
A caber-tosser’s jock strap
A morning after kebab
Chris Grayling on Mastermind.
A bomb disposal officer faced with a choice between cutting a green or a blue wire.
Boris Johnson surrendering his laptop for an Internet search history check
A wonky whelk at a woke Woking wake
A sausage on a sultry day
SteveB, Dagular, Chipchase, camz, Sinnick, Joanne Starkie
Categories: Fake News
Neil & GB News split. Neil to get custody of Brexit
Andrew Neil, veteran broadcaster and answer to the question ‘what if corned beef had a face?’, has finally called an end to his brief marriage to GB News. Both parties put out a statement saying no other individuals were involved ‘…particularly viewers, as we have none’.
Under the custody agreement, Neil gets to keep all erroneous facts about Brexit but GB News gets weekend visitation rights to any racist dog whistles.
Since its launch GB News has been heavily criticised for its lack of accuracy, to which it responded by saying: ‘We are pleased to announce Andrew Neil is joining GB News’.
Categories: Fake News
Smoke alarms on Space Station triggered by alien bacon
Concerns have been raised that Astronauts may have been sneakily eating evidence of life from other planets, specifically turning ET into a bacon butty. The International Space Station (ISS) has claimed smoke detectors were set off by faulty batteries but were unable to explain the smell of crispy bacon and the discarded alien clothing.
Rumours exist that First Contact with an alien race was disrupted, when the ISS crew discovered that this new race shared 99% of their DNA with pigs. Commented one astronaut: ‘They came in peace but they were so goddamn tasty!’
Being stuck on a space station with months of powdered food creates a certain hunger, a hunger that soon took over, when the inhabitants of Porcus V raised their trotters in friendship. Explained another astronaut, wiping ketchup from his chin: ‘They were saying something about discovery and knowledge but all I heard was the sound of sizzling’
Categories: Fake News
‘Covid passports would be unfair’ says smug b*’tard who already has Covid Pass
A total bastard who gets off on causing bitter division between other people at every opportunity is going around saying that Covid passports in England would cause division between people and would be unfair.
‘Covid passports are a great idea and we are definitely doing that,’ said the utter bastard, not even pausing for breath before immediately following those words with, ‘Covid passports are unnecessary and would be unfair, so that’s not happening.’
Asked if the existing NHS Covid Pass – which anyone who has been double jabbed can request online and have posted to them – happens to be everything a Covid passport is except in name, the complete bastard said, ‘Absolutely not,’ tucking his very own NHS Covid Pass document into his blazer pocket.
Further pushed on the point that regardless of whether Covid passports would be a good thing or a bad thing, people arguing about whether England should have them or not is somewhat futile if anyone can get an NHS Covid Pass whenever they want, the uberbastard added, ‘As long as the whole country is arguing about it, then they are not noticing me embezzling billions of taxpayer money, are they?’
Categories: Fake News
Majority of lottery winners still can’t cash the cheque
‘I won £1.2 million in June last year, had to get the train to Watford to pose for the photo with the cheque,’ said William today. ‘Then the trouble started. You try getting on a Virgin Pendilino with an oversize cheque. I didn’t want to crease it, obviously, but then the ticket collector insisted I paid for the seat it was occupying. That was the end of the $43.50 I’d set aside for an egg sandwich.
‘But the real problems come when I tried to cash the cheque. You have to feed them into a scanning device at your local branch – the one forty miles from where you live – and they don’t have an opening wide enough for the Camelot cheques. I’d given my job up as soon as I realised I’d won, now the cheque’s stopping a draught in the living room and I’m flipping burgers in McDonalds.
Camelot admitted that a lot of lottery winners didn’t cash their cheques. ‘We’ve just assumed they don’t want to lose that “just won” feeling. If they prefer, we’ll pay them in cash instead. We’ve only got ten pence pieces but if they return with their cheques and a wheelbarrow we’ll happily do the deal,’ said a spokesman today.
Categories: Fake News
Proof of not being Michael Gove now required for entry to Scottish nightclubs
From 1st October anyone who wishes to go to a nightclub in Scotland will be refused entry unless they can provide compelling evidence that there isn’t the slightest risk of them being Michael Gove.
This new regulation will grant nightclub staff the power to prevent anyone from trying to barge in for free under the guise of being the Chancellor of Duchy of Lancaster or other such made up sounding jobs. As an added safety precaution, bouncers will also be required to immediately eject any high-risk revellers, preferably by force, from the premises who are seen dad dancing in an ill-fitting suit to hardcore Jungle music.
If these measures are strictly implemented by all nightclubs in Scotland, the SNP are reportedly hopeful that staff and customers will not be subjected to any future outbreaks of Govid on the dancefloor.
Categories: Fake News
Gross incompetence saves UK from catastrophic implosion
The UK government has been busily demonstrating ill intent towards its own country and most of its people. Especially the diligent ones who actually get things done and flog their own guts out keeping everything just about afloat in the face of Tory-led cocking it right up.
There is, however, rather good news. Despite the wide-eyed appetite for causing as much unnecessary suffering as possible, gross incompetence and an unparalleled level of negligence by government mean that fumbling attempts to dismantle the whole show have not been as widespread as intended.
Categories: Fake News
Fear that ‘Operation Yellowhammer’ intends to bring back Timmy Mallet
The public and armed services are on high alert, after a leaked memo suggests that a No-Deal Brexit will lead to re-runs of ‘Mallet’s Mallet’. The Operation Yellowhammer contingency plan also references the stockpiling of colourful glasses, rationing Michaela Strachan and using Tommy Boyd as flood defence.
This paints a bleak future for UK citizens, who will forced to join a Wide Awake Club, to combat the exhaustion of living in a low-wage gig-economy. More terrifying still, in the event of a hard Brexit, the new national anthem will be ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ – but with less of a dystopian feel to the original.
Mr. Mallet rose to prominence in the 80’s with his ill-matched clothing and catch-phrases ‘utterly brilliant!’ and ‘blaaah’ – all of which Boris Johnson would later copy. He would then beat people with a giant foam phallus; a technique that many of Mr. Johnson’s ex-wives would find familiar.
Mallet’s Yellowhammer will also be used to quell public unrest, with repeated blows to the head – like having a conversation with Jacob Rees Mogg. A Government spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Nobody wants to see queues of people leaving the country, food shortages or general panic – but that’s what you get with Timmy Mallet’.
Categories: Fake News
