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Matt Hancock leaves to standing ovation from grateful nation for job well done
Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.
Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.
Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.
There’s not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn’t already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.
His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of ‘why Hancock is a palm penis’ for just the seven hours.
Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?
Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, “Fuck off, Hancock.”
But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:
“Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, ‘No, my cheese.’
Categories: Fake News
Jacob Rees-Mogg defends Hancock’s right to have a tryst with his leman. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Adultery removed from Ten Commandments. Violation of Social Distancing added. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Smutty innuendos about Hancock’s name ‘In poor taste’ says Cummings. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Hancock: ‘hands, face, space’ to be replaced with ‘snog, grope, apologise’
Health secretary Matt Hancock has today announced the current ‘Hands, Face, Space’ campaign will be scrapped in favour of an edgier and more popular slogan : ‘Snog, Grope, Apologise’.
This latest development, signalling the next step on the lockdown roadmap, has been met with a swell of support amongst Tory members.
Boris Johnson is reportedly ‘delighted’ and will be doing his very best to abide by the advice: ‘We are urging the public to have a good old fumble and canoodle – especially extramarital groping with colleagues or acquaintances. But we must be clear – people are to do so ‘with caution’. Because, as always, it isn’t our fault if it goes tits up…pun fully intended’.
Hancock has been ‘leading from the front’ having already accosted a nearby aide for a vomit-inducing snog and grope combo. He then swiftly moved on to step three – issuing a heartfelt apology to his ‘true love’ his ‘soulmate’ – Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Matt Hancock’s wife is reportedly working on her own campaign slogan, containing words such as ‘cheating’ ‘bastard’ ‘and ‘divorce’.
Categories: Fake News
London emergency services practice for Murray exit
Intelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion ‘choking in the quarter finals’.
The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to ‘taser on sight’ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.
Currently Britain is on a heightened state of alert, should Murray stumble, with all prep-schools on suicide watch. This staged event comes only days after England’s men crashed out of the Euro U-21 championship, which resulted in the disturbing sight of Gareth Southgate being ‘mildly nonplussed’.
A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police tried to allay fears: ‘Should Wimbledon descend into chaos, at least none of the crowd have actual meaningful day jobs. Which is why they can be swilling champagne on a week day’.
Codenamed ‘It’s just for toffs’, members of the Fire Brigade will cut out any of the crowd trapped by their tiny wooden seats. A Home Office spokesman said: ‘I want to reassure the public and any frightened ball boys, that TV channels will show blanket coverage of Tim Henman’s career. The public need to understand that defeat is just normal. We have planned for every conceivable type of incident – including Cliff Richard’.
The public have been told to be extra vigilant on the Underground and to report anyone wearing suspicious all-white clothing, a Saltire on their face or ‘I love Andy’ in marker-pen on their chest. Likewise, Ambulance services will be on hand to treat those injured by shrapnel if Judy Murray explodes.
Categories: Fake News
Hancock leaks photo to keep job
Ill-Health Secretary Matt Hancock has sneakily leaked a photo of himself snogging a girl. Eugh. An actual girl. “I didn’t really want to, but the big boys told me to do it. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, but I hope Boris sees it because then he might let me stay and play.”
Prime Minister Boris Johnsonthing responded, “I said that Mr. Hopelessfucker was in want of damn good sacking, not a damn good shagging. Why do people always mishear and misunderstand what I say? Now, my perfect Sunday is when I pop round to Gyles Brandreth’s house and he shows me his collection of teddies. Hoy, did I say perfect Sunday? No that would be a terrible nightmare of a Sunday. We all have our cross toy bear. No, but I would though. And he has a marvellous collection of swine corpses as well. Obviously, I didn’t say swine corpses, I said decapitated voters. Think I might shag Hancock later. Or maybe I’ll sack him? One or the other. Or maybe neither. What pandemic? Now where’s my toy bus that I made?”
Stepping in to clarify, Secretary for Something or Other Liz Truss confirmed, “No Conservative Party rules have been broken. Fuck an aide, and you’re a player. Fuck an entire country and they give you a Lordship. That’s the way we roll. That’s the way we’ve always rolled. Now that’s how you open up a pork market. Boom! Truss out.”
An official statement from Downing Street said the Prime Minister has accepted Matt Hancock’s apology for breaching social distancing guidelines and “considers the matter just about sleazy enough.”
Categories: Fake News
EU eye Trans-Pacific trade deal enviously
The new deal announced today, filling a £68 billion drop in sales to the EU with a wholesome £1.7 billion deal involving mainly bananas, was described by Prime Minister Johnson ‘exactly what we promised you – less money being spent on us, more airmiles to Johnny Foreigner places.’
The EU trade negotiators have quietly downloaded Lis Truss’ CV from LinkedIn and are thought to be putting a hostile bid to snatch hew away from the British negotiating team as soon as possible. ‘With skills like hers we can’t afford to squander the opportunities she creates,’ said an envious EU trade expert. ‘She makes small gains look huge and huge losses appear as if they don’t count. If only we had her negotiating skills on our team.
A spokesperson for Ms Truss insisted she wasn’t going anywhere. ‘I’ve seen her appraisal, popularity ratings and, crucially, her passport has been locked away in a drawer until she produces something – anything – remotely useful. Off the record, obvs,’ he added.
Categories: Fake News
HMS Defender ‘played out of position’
The Type 45 guided missile destroyer HMS Defender was recently involved in some slightly spicy shenanigans in the Black Sea, near to Russia or Ukraine, depending on who you ask.
A Royal Navy spokesman said ‘Keep politics out of football? Cry me a river.’
He did concede that HMS Defender was being played out of position.
‘It’s so easy to get total war mixed up with total football. We want to play with greater fluidity as we are, by definition, in the sea. So HMS Defender was playing closer to HMS Midfield Pivot to help us move things forward.’
‘We’ve got two HMS Willing Runners moving out wide and HMS False Nine drifting all over the place up front… actually, is it supposed to be doing that?’
Categories: Fake News
UK to drop ‘UK’ from name
The government is in early discussions with brand consultants over concern that having ‘UK’ in the UK’s name could be a contributory factor to the slow economic recovery. A sum of £9.5millon has been set aside to come up with a new brand, but experts say it is unlikely to contain the letters UK, or Britain, or GB.
‘Made in the UK no longer seems to resonate with our overseas customers, but that’s perhaps because we no longer make anything,’ said an eminent brand consultant. ‘We could just lie and say ‘Made in China’. That seems to work for the Chinese.’
‘Alternatively we could simply shorten UK to K,’ he continued. ‘After all, the nation is not particularly united, but it is a kingdom. Then again as we presently have a queen not a king, we could just call it Q. But that name’s been taken by a music magazine, so it could get confusing.’
For an interim period the nation will be known as ‘the nation formerly known as the UK’.
Categories: Fake News
Artificial Intelligence used to complete teenager’s art GCSE
Following the successful completion of a previously lost section to Rembrandt’s ‘Night Watch’, where the computer has added images of a man standing, a boy running and a drunken painter mooning, the technology has been deployed to help GCSE students in Art get a decent grade.
‘The economy is highly dependent on young adults being able to crayon effectively, particularly between the lines, and this software will help them do just that,’ said an AI expert today. Brandon Hedges, 16, is notably enthusiastic when actually awake. ‘I couldn’t get a decent grade in art thanks to lockdown,’ he insisted, although his art teacher Mr Marples disagrees. ‘Hedges is a lazy bastard who can’t hold a crayon the right way up, but at least the software saves me from predicting a bare pass for the useless prat,’ he said between supping pints of stout in the staff room. ‘I’m not allowed to predict a fail, apparently. It has to be a grade. Fail is definitely a grade,’ he added.
Brandon’s final submission titled ‘a line I drew’ was originally a line in red crayon delivered diagonally across a sheet of lined A4 paper. The modified AI version shows an intricate scene where Brandon is running and his art teacher is mooning through a window. The AI creator admitted that the software does have a limited imagination. ‘Just like all sixteen year old art students,’ he said.
Categories: Fake News
Weighing school kids will tell us if they are carrying knives
Under the guise of monitoring student obesity, the Government are sneakily testing to see if children are smuggling in guns in their socks. Said a teacher: ‘It’s very humane. We get them to sit on an industrial scale and a klaxon goes off if they’re a fatty. A trap door then opens and a horde of Oompah Loompas carry them off to be strip searched’.
Explained one Headmistress: ‘We caught one lad claiming his suspicious bulges were the result of puberty, but his trousers revealed a cosh and two dangling grenades. We’ve had lunchboxes stuffed with submachine guns and one girl had nunchucks concealed in her alice band.
‘We can also weigh them to see if they are carrying drugs. We had one six year old who had put on two stone overnight, due to an enormous stash of cocaine in his rectum. Of course, not every fat kid is packing weapons, some are the weapons. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler sit on someone to death?’
Explained one Schools Minister: ‘We’re naturally suspicious of any child that puts on weight, God knows we’re not feeding them’. Asked if was possible that extra weight was a text book, he replied: ‘Don’t make me laugh. We banned them before we banned knives’.
Categories: Fake News
Mars Perseverance Rover decides ‘Mars is shit’
After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that ‘Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo’. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was ‘just an over-hyped DGI drone’. ‘It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I’m stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.’
Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape – ‘done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick’ and looking for signs of earlier life. ‘I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn’t leave they’d probably have topped themselves, which isn’t a bad idea’ said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.
The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance’s TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance’s views. ‘I think it’s great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? – Not a euphemism, you understand,’ it said today. ‘I take PayPal.’
Categories: Fake News
Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cant’s passing
The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.
After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.
The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.
Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.
Categories: Fake News
Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cant’s passing
The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.
After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.
The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.
Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.
Categories: Fake News
