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Tories arrange spy swap – Bercow for Starmer
In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries – the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir ‘Starmer’ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.
The swap itself had many similarities to John le Carré fictionalized book ‘Stinker Starmer Dozy Spy’. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.
Explained one of Starmer’s handlers: ‘Obviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.’
A friend of Bercow said: ‘John will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. he’ll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of irony’.
Categories: Fake News
Thousand year Lib Dem reich ‘inevitable’
A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.
A party spokesman said ‘We’ll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters… Lib Dem 4 life!’
Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.
‘His fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.’
All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.
Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said ‘In 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose it’s the hope that kills you, unless it’s the flames, or that minibus.’
Categories: Fake News
Sarah Green bye-election win inspires kids of other TV stars
After 1980’s kids’ TV presenter, Sarah Green, won the Chesham and Amersham by election for the Lib Dems, with a resounding majority, Newsbiscuit has learned that other former children’s TV favourites are considering a career in politics.
A spokesperson for broom cupboard loiterer and squeaky hand puppet, Gordon the Gopher, told us that he intends to stand in the Scottish local elections this Autumn, while, we hear, the Krankies and Neil Buchanan are hoping to start their own Scottish independence party, The Fandabidozi Alliance.
They, of course, are not the first TV presenters to enter into a career in politics. Both Brian Waldren and Clement Freud had successful political and television careers and who can forget that time Live and Kicking funny men, Trev and Simon, tried to overthrow the fascist regime in Bolivia in the early 2000s?
Newly elected MP Sarah Green, told our reporter, “I’m not that Sarah Greene. It’s not even spelled the same way.”
Categories: Fake News
‘Emergency Banter Generator’ wheeled out for England’s next match
BBC Sport has revealed that they are taking the emergency measure of installing their back up ‘Banter Generator’ along with a fail safe Stereotyping machine, ahead of England’s tie with Germany.
The BBC’s technology infrastructure manager, Matthew Haddock, described the system in detail. ‘For the past 44 years we’ve been archiving cliches, stereotypes and facts about Germany to be used at such events, although the project was started much earlier as an off-shoot of Bletchley Park. The Generators will ensure that when Lawro needs to say something about the Germans he won’t be lost for words. For example, by typing in the command ‘Steven Gerrard, Penalty box’ a phrase of ‘Oh my, Steven Gerrard’s spending more time in the Germans’ box than Steve McQueen in The Great Escape. That film where we beat the Germans in the War that also ended with us beating the Germans’.
The Generator famously broke down during the Euro ’96 match-up leaving John Motson completely stranded. He tried a few improvised lines such as ‘The Germans are pushing through the Midfield like…like…like a tank of some sort. Probably a German one.’, and ‘The German defence here just like it was in Iwo Jima back in 1957’. You can understand why we’re employing a backup this year.’
Categories: Fake News
Brits now stockpiling holidays in the UK
The cost of a good old British holiday is now so expensive that a house swap with the De Whistles at number 37 is the only economically viable option remaining.
Fuchsia Lipton from Guildford complained, “We really wanted to fly from Gatwick to Torquay with EasyJet. But a cockroach infested B&B with a shared toilet is now going for £2,046 a night, and there’s a 2-week waiting list for cancellations. What the actual fuch? Are the cockroaches extra?”
Josh Lipton added, “We are convinced some people are stockpiling holidays just to stop others from getting in on the act. I mean, how can it be possible that the station hostelry in Crewe is fully booked right through the summer? No one in their right mind would actually want to stay there. Not even trainspotters like uncle Wilf.”
“So we started eyeing up our neighbours’ houses. The De Whistles have the only south-facing back garden in the close with a lean-to, so it was a no-brainer. We’re going to do a house swap with them in July.”
Leaning in, Fuchsia whispered, “They don’t actually know that, of course, so don’t tell anyone. They trusted us with their key to feed their kitties while they’re swanning off to the Travelodge at Reading services on the M4. But they kept referring to it as going on their holibobs, and you can’t let that shit slide. We’re just going to move in while they’re away.”
It was not made clear if the Liptons were husband and wife, or brother and sister.
Categories: Fake News
Driving test to include “driving up motorway in wrong direction” part
In an effort to bring the driving test up to date with life in the 21st century, it is to include a knuckle-whitening five miles up a major motorway against the traffic at rush hour.
“Let’s face it, it happens to us all some day”, a Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency spokesman announced. “The candidate will be expected to negotiate an average motorway with moderate to heavy traffic swerving out of their way in a blind panic. This will be followed by the standard three point turn”.
“I think I handled that part pretty well”, says 17-year-old Gareth Minster of Surrey, who took his test on Friday. “I just kept it cool, checking my rear view mirror every 20 seconds as you’re told to do. There was one scary moment when a 40-ton truck was coming straight at me with the driver too absorbed in his smartphone to see me. But I gave one polite tap on the horn and he swerved out of the way and ploughed into the median barrier at the last minute”.
“The worst part was when my mum came driving up the motorway just to wave at me”, he adds. “I wish she wouldn’t do that”.
Categories: Fake News
British travellers feeling compelled to tell everyone they meet they didn’t vote for Brexit
A British family driving through Europe have had to extend their holiday to allow sufficient time to inform every single person they meet that they are not one of the xenophobic anti-European bigots who voted to leave the EU.
John Whitesmith, 43 from Reading said that he had explained to every waiter, hotel receptionist and petrol station attendant that although a majority of British voters may have opted to leave the EU, he certainly wasn’t one of them.
‘It’s been very awkward’ said the father of two. ‘The man who takes the tolls on the auto-route really didn’t seem to want to chat about it at all. He barely made eye-contact – he just took our change and raised the barrier. I felt like I had to make sure he wasn’t being offish with me because he thought I might have voted Leave. Then the cars behind started angrily tooting their horns, and I wondered if this was because they saw the GB sticker on our car and felt insulted that we no longer wanted to be part of their political and economic union. But none of them seemed to appreciate me walking along the line to explain to them either…’
The family’s journey through Belgium, Holland, France and Germany was originally scheduled for two weeks, but has been extended for another fortnight, to allow time for them to flag down fellow motorists to explain that they were not racists or xenophobes. ‘We told them everyone we met that we love Europe and the Europeans, and that we are tolerant and open-minded. I mean obviously we did it all in English. I don’t know why some of these bloody dagos can’t be bothered to learn the language.’
Categories: Fake News
In space, it turns out, everyone can hear you scream
“ARGHHHH! Which one of you bitches left a chocolate brownie finger smudge on my kale samples?”
Astronauts working at 320 miles above the Earth’s surface in oxygen controlled environments can hear each other perfectly clearly, it turns out. They can even hear the farty sounds emerging from ‘Pooh Corner’.
“Shit on it! I’ve just turned the release valve the wrong way.”
Even on a space walk, everyone is well mic’d up, and the rest of the crew are all too aware that you’ve just buggered up the mission, and possibly just ended their lives.
“Will you stop bouncing that powerball off the ceiling you annoying little shite.”
And the advanced radio systems beam back every last swear word, curse and ‘domestic’ spat to hundreds of people listening in at mission control.
“NOOOO! Not the red lever…”
But it doesn’t end there. TV broadcasts and live streams all over the world wide web ensure that potentially millions of people are listening in to your spacey soap opera expletives. The young children of Wheelock County Primary School just heard mission Commander Rogers scream his last breath as he was thwooped out of the spacelab hatch.
Now, finally, peace and quiet. No one has to listen to him bang on about how untidy the sleeping area is. Even though you can’t actually leave mess lying around in zero gravity.
Categories: Fake News
GB News becomes a credible alternative to NewsBiscuit
The competitive market of fake news has been blown wide open by the launch of GB News, under the slogan ‘If no one has heard of it, it must be true’. The gammon equivalent of ‘TISWAS’, GB sets out to prove once and for all, that the Earth is flat.
With an editorial slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, GB prides itself on maverick journalists, for whom a spell check is more vital than a fact check. It will be fronted Andrew Neil, who was turned down by The Onion for being too implausible and by The Beano, for having ridiculously drawn hair.
NewsBiscuit and GB will be competing for the same market share of gullible readers; with both media outlets unconcerned by their poor production value, ill-educated staff or lack of shame. Said our Editor: ‘We use more d$ck jokes, whereas they employ a more laughable collection of d$ckheads.’
Hat tip Sir Lupus
Categories: Fake News
Met Police behind rigged Eurovision voting system
After yet another enquiry finds the Metropolitan police institutionally corrupt/racist/violent (delete as applicable), it is feared they may have had a hand in other corruption; such as Las Vegas slot machines, Trump’s tax returns and the reason your dish washer breaks down the day after its insurance has lapsed. It is hard to tell how widespread the malfeasance is, but what is clear is that ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ could not have got three seasons, without significant police interference.
Commissioner Cressida Dick has come under fire and not just for having a name that sounds like a venereal disease from a Greek tragedy. In fact, complaints against the Met have become institutionally predictable, while the public have become institutionally jaded by the whole affair.
When not covering up murders, the Met Police like to unwind by bashing female protestors, kettling children or the odd extrajudicial shooting. Asked if the Met had been involved in the bank system or election rigging, a spokeswoman said: ‘We’re crooked but not that crooked’.
Categories: Fake News
EU employ French Brexit negotiator to shrug and pretend not to understand English
The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesn’t speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.
‘The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid’ he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations. ‘Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three o’clock.’
Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.
‘We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU’ he told reporters. ‘Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say ‘Ce n’est pas possible.’ And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say ‘Je ne comprends pas!’
‘In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.’
Categories: Fake News
IN-PERSON THIRD SUNDAY ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA IN LOS ANGELES
Start: 05/16/2021 - 1:30pm
End: 05/16/2021 - 5:30pm
THIRD SUNDAY ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA MAY 16TH AT 1:30-5:30 PM
MASKS REQUIRED – PROOF OF COVID VACCINATION REQUIRED–TEMP TAKEN ON SITE
Please join us at English Regency Dancing and Tea celebrating the World of Jane Austen and the English Regency Period.
SILVER PARK ARTS * 2030 GLENDALE BLVD [150 FEET OFF THE CA-2] * LOS ANGELES CA 90039
PARK EITHER ALONG GLENDALE BLVD OR IN LOT OFF BAXTER ST. BEHIND THE CHURCH
Doors open at 1 pm * Dancing from 1:30 - 5:30 pm * Social Tea from 3-4 pm
Categories: Mass Historia
IN-PERSON THIRD SUNDAY ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA IN LOS ANGELES
Start: 05/16/2021 - 1:30pm
End: 05/16/2021 - 5:30pm
THIRD SUNDAY ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA MAY 16TH AT 1:30-5:30 PM
MASKS REQUIRED – PROOF OF COVID VACCINATION REQUIRED–TEMP TAKEN ON SITE
Please join us at English Regency Dancing and Tea celebrating the World of Jane Austen and the English Regency Period.
SILVER PARK ARTS * 2030 GLENDALE BLVD [150 FEET OFF THE CA-2] * LOS ANGELES CA 90039
PARK EITHER ALONG GLENDALE BLVD OR IN LOT OFF BAXTER ST. BEHIND THE CHURCH
Doors open at 1 pm * Dancing from 1:30 - 5:30 pm * Social Tea from 3-4 pm
Categories: Events
In-Person Third Sunday English Regency Dancing & Tea in Los Angeles.
Start: 06/20/2021 - 1:30pm
End: 06/20/2021 - 5:30pm
In-Person Third Sunday English Regency Dancing & Tea in Los Angeles.
If you're within driving distance of Los Angeles, please join us on Sunday, May 16, 2021 at
Silver Park Arts
2030 Glendale Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90039
Parking on Glendale Blvd, and in parking lot off Baxter Street
Doors open at 1pm,
Dancing from 1:30 - 5: 30 pm with
Afternoon Tea at from 3-4 pm.
Light refreshments provided, donation of food gratefully accepted.
No special costume, partner, or experience required
All dances taught & prompted.
Admission: $10.00
Categories: Events
Zoom English Regency Dancing with the Beraha's
Start: 05/23/2021 - 2:00pm
End: 05/23/2021 - 4:30pm
"There's any number of reasons to come to an on-line dance, from having background music and voices in an otherwise-empty house to chatting, visiting, listening, and (yes) dancing. "
Sip, chat, and Dance Like Jane Austen. Let's party like it's 1799!
COVID-19 update: Our in-person Third Sunday English Regency Dances and Teas IN LOS ANGELES have resumed on Third Sundays.
IN ADDITION:
We are holding English Regency dancing and tea online on 2nd and 4th Sundays at 3 pm Pacific Time.
General information:
The dances shall be adapted to one or two dancers.
Categories: Mass Historia
Zoom English Regency Dancing with the Beraha's
Start: 05/23/2021 - 2:00pm
End: 05/23/2021 - 4:30pm
"There's any number of reasons to come to an on-line dance, from having background music and voices in an otherwise-empty house to chatting, visiting, listening, and (yes) dancing. "
Sip, chat, and Dance Like Jane Austen. Let's party like it's 1799!
COVID-19 update: Our in-person Third Sunday English Regency Dances and Teas IN LOS ANGELES have resumed on Third Sundays.
IN ADDITION:
We are holding English Regency dancing and tea online on 2nd and 4th Sundays at 3 pm Pacific Time.
General information:
The dances shall be adapted to one or two dancers.
Categories: Events
ZOOM ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA WITH THE BERAHAS
Start: 06/13/2021 - 3:00pm
End: 06/13/2021 - 4:30pm
"There's any number of reasons to come to an on-line dance, from having background music and voices in an otherwise-empty house to chatting, visiting, listening, and (yes) dancing. "
Sip, chat, and Dance Like Jane Austen. Let's party like it's 1799!
COVID-19 update: Our Zoom Third Sunday English Regency Dances and Teas shall continue on the 2nd and 4th Sundays.
[In-Person Third Sunday dances & Teas in Los Angeles have resumed.]
General information:
The dances shall be adapted to one or two dancers.
Period clothing is optional.
Categories: Mass Historia
ZOOM ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA WITH THE BERAHAS
Start: 06/13/2021 - 3:00pm
End: 06/13/2021 - 4:30pm
"There's any number of reasons to come to an on-line dance, from having background music and voices in an otherwise-empty house to chatting, visiting, listening, and (yes) dancing. "
Sip, chat, and Dance Like Jane Austen. Let's party like it's 1799!
COVID-19 update: Our Zoom Third Sunday English Regency Dances and Teas shall continue on the 2nd and 4th Sundays.
[In-Person Third Sunday dances & Teas in Los Angeles have resumed.]
General information:
The dances shall be adapted to one or two dancers.
Period clothing is optional.
Categories: Events
In-Person THIRD SUNDAY ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA In Los Angeles Resumes on May 16, 2021
Start: 05/16/2021 - 1:30pm
End: 05/16/2021 - 5:30pm
Announcing the resumption of In-Person Third Sunday English Regency Dancing & Tea in Los Angeles.
If you're within driving distance of Los Angeles, please join us on Sunday, May 16, 2021 at
Silver Park Arts
2030 Glendale Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90039
Parking on Glendale Blvd, and in parking lot off Baxter Street
Doors open at 1pm,
Dancing from 1:30 - 5: 30 pm with
Afternoon Tea at from 3-4 pm.
Light refreshments provided, donation of food gratefully accepted.
No special costume, partner, or experience required
All dances taught & prompted.
Admission: $10.00
Categories: Mass Historia
In-Person THIRD SUNDAY ENGLISH REGENCY DANCING AND TEA In Los Angeles Resumes on May 16, 2021
Start: 05/16/2021 - 1:30pm
End: 05/16/2021 - 5:30pm
Announcing the resumption of In-Person Third Sunday English Regency Dancing & Tea in Los Angeles.
If you're within driving distance of Los Angeles, please join us on Sunday, May 16, 2021 at
Silver Park Arts
2030 Glendale Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90039
Parking on Glendale Blvd, and in parking lot off Baxter Street
Doors open at 1pm,
Dancing from 1:30 - 5: 30 pm with
Afternoon Tea at from 3-4 pm.
Light refreshments provided, donation of food gratefully accepted.
No special costume, partner, or experience required
All dances taught & prompted.
Admission: $10.00
Categories: Events
