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ITV commentator Sam Matterface in training for full meltdown tonight
After his two-hour stint of channelling Alan Partridge during Wednesday’s semi-final match between England and Denmark, ITV football commentator Sam Matterface is in the final stages of training for a full-on patriotic meltdown during tonight’s Euro 2021 final. Perched on a stool in a sound-proofed bunker underneath ITV’s broadcasting centre, clutching a lip mike and surrounded by life-size photos of the Queen, Alf Ramsey and Geoff Hurst, Blatherface described his training regime.
‘On Wednesday, I pretty much aced the last minute of the England-Denmark match for TV viewers with a hysterical and possibly psycho-sexual gush of verbal diarrhoea, which went “Call your boss, you ain’t coming in in the morning. You deserve this. England deserve this. Feel it, ride it.”
‘But that was just a semi-final. Now I must up the ante for the final so that I can really stick it to our Scottish, Welsh and Irish viewers with a truly monumental tirade of English jingoism. I have been reading Shakespearean soliloquies and the poetry of Rudyard Kipling for inspiration and I have decided that in the event of victory my immortal words will be: “England have won! Very much so! Albion Gloriana!”
‘After that, the synapses in my brain will fuse together and I will run off at the mouth uncontrollably, urging the world’s population to kiss Gareth Southgate’s ring. That will be my crowning moment, coming after 90 minutes in which Lee Dixon and I will castigate every dive in the penalty area by an Italian player as a cynical act of gamesmanship while describing every dive in the penalty area by Raheem Sterling as the cruel fate of a doughty British bloke brought low by the wiles of an evil foreigner.’
Viewers have the option of watching this match on the BBC instead, but they will probably have to put up with similarly idiotic drivel from its team of commentators. Otherwise, they can just watch the match with the sound turned off. It’s probably Antiques Roadshow on BBC2, by the way.
Categories: Fake News
Faulty bikes ‘causing teenagers to ride dangerously’
Bicycle manufacturers have recalled over 10,000 bikes after learning of a design fault that causes riders to veer into traffic and do wheelies. This occurs mainly when a group of teenage boy are riding together. For reasons that are not yet clear, the presence of teenage girls in the vicinity increases the chances of the fault occurring by a whopping 50%.
Tests also showed that as the teenagers get older the less frequently the fault happens. ‘We believe this to be down to accumulation of life experience – an unfulfilling job or broken dream weighs upon the rider, pinning the bike down, and somehow bypassing the fault,’ said a spokesman. ‘However, adult men with their tops off are also vulnerable. Although we did sometimes find these men hanging out with teenagers, we quickly discovered their behaviour had nothing to do with the fault. And so under no circumstances do we advise approaching these men and attempting to recall their bikes.’
Categories: Fake News
Football punditry actually a live group therapy session
The National Association of Football Pundits has admitted that they are only allowed on television in order. to release dangerous levels of pent-up angst.’When you see me discussing the details of the half of football you’ve just watched, I am actually leading a group therapy session,’ said leading expert in psychological care for pundits, Professor Ian Wright. ‘If you see me and Dr Gabby Logan there at the same time, you know we’ve reached a critical level of support requirement.’
‘If we didn’t let Roy Keane get it out of his system, then he’d be standing on a street corner in piss-stained trousers shouting at passers-by that Holland don’t know what they’re doing and should switch to a double-pivot system. And Alan Shearer would be in a constant vegetative state. That said, there’s no excuse for Gary Lineker, but there is an emergency plan in place to convince him that he doesn’t need to put the ‘pun’ in pundit.’
Categories: Fake News
Pope invites Gok Wan to Vatican to ‘camp-up’ the clergy
After surprising the world with his relaxed views on homosexuality, Pope Francis has stepped-up his attempts to modernise the Catholic Church by enlisting the services of style guru Gok Wan in a bid to ‘makeover’ the Church’s hierarchy.
‘There’s absolutely no reason why a bishop or a priest can’t look divine and fine’, said Gok as he arrived at the Vatican today. ‘These guys have been in some kind of fashion coma for about five centuries, so I’m here to wake them up and tell them that religion can be sexy. They’ll be preaching the word of Gok in no time.’
In his first lesson to the Pope and his cardinals, Gok asked them to form a large circle, strip naked and stare into full-length mirrors until they ‘accepted their body shapes’. ‘If you can’t even love yourselves,’ explained Gok, wagging his finger theatrically, ‘don’t expect God to.’
One bishop was delighted with the new form of instruction. ‘I’m finally getting in touch with my true self,’ he said. ‘Gok has taught me that long and drab garments are all well and good in a prayer-room setting, but if I want to make a real splash on the weekends I should try a lime-coloured suit and a Burberry baseball jacket with my clerical collar. I finally have the confidence to look religious and sexy. Thank Gok.’
The Pope, who has ditched his ‘cumbersome’ ceremonial headdress and replaced it with a camouflaged beanie, is thrilled that his followers have really taken to the wisdom of Gok. ‘The guys are looking fab,’ said the leader of the Catholic faith.
He then sashayed away from the camera, strode confidently down the aisle of St Peter’s Basilica to cheers of ‘Work that catwalk, sister!’, before becoming the first pontiff to deliver mass in a leopard-print loincloth.
Jesus H
Categories: Fake News
Government orders England to lose as it can’t afford to pay import duty on the trophy. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Militias form as PM says protecting Afghanistan is now ‘personal responsibility’
Militias are being formed across the country after Boris Johnson said UK troops are withdrawing from Afghanistan as the UK is once again moving from ‘government diktat to personal responsibility’. The Prime Minister confirmed that the final troops are returning home, saying it would be up to individuals if they wanted to take action to protect the Afghanistan people from a resurgent Taliban.
‘I expect the British people to act in a sensible way as it true to say that the danger is far from over in Afghanistan,’ Johnson said, ignoring suggestions that if the British people were capable of acting in a sensible way, he wouldn’t be the f*cking Prime Minister. ‘Some even say the Taliban is spreading faster and gaining more ground, but it is this government’s policy to put the onus on individuals for everything so that we can’t be blamed when it all goes wrong.’
Some members of the public are forming militias in their local pubs and workplaces in order to protect the troubled Central Asian nation from sliding into civil war again. ‘It’s just common sense, really,’ said an office worker from Yorkshire who once participated in a reenactment of the English Civil War battle of Marston Moor. ‘Besides, I’ve got annual leave to use up and I haven’t been on holiday for a couple of years so it’ll be nice to see a bit of sun! I’m double jabbed so I won’t have to quarantine when I’m back either.’
Others were against the government measures in the first place, saying that being forced to protect freedom is a violation of their freedom. ‘Throughout the past 20 years, I haven’t served in the British Army at all,’ one said. ‘And yet, I’m not under the rule of the Taliban and neother are any of my mates down the pub. It was all a ploy by the government to control us. Wake up, sheeple!’
Categories: Fake News
Trump sues NewsBiscuit for not writing about him
Donald Trump has included popular ‘news’ site NewsBiscuit in his lawsuit against Facebook, Twitter and Google, who he has accused of violating his freedom of speech. ‘Those guys, they used to write about a lot, I mean lot, pretty much daily,’ Trump told reporters. ‘It was great to see my name, I didn’t get the jokes but it was great, so great. But now, they don’t, they don’t ever write about me. And it’s bad, very bad. It’s so sad. Why aren’t they writing about me?’
A spokesperson for NewsBiscuit said: ‘We’ll write probably do a news in brief about the shit-flinging orange gibbon when he does something we can take the piss out of – oh wait a minute, you mean he’s opened his mouth again? Alright, give us ten minutes – one of us will come up with something.’
Categories: Fake News
Shapps wants hauliers to join government in being asleep at the wheel
A shortage in lorry drivers has kicked the world-beating UK government ideas engine into overdrive. The Grant Shapps blinky light going at two to the dozen knee-jerked: ‘If there are not enough lorry drivers, then we will just do what we are doing with doctors, nurses, teachers and everyone else: just make them work longer hours. Snoozy hauliers playing lamppost slalom dodgems on their way back from France is just the sort of thing Great Britain needs. Without that sense of danger on our British roads, the people just don’t enjoy driving. Not like they used to when all of us drunkards ruled the highways.’
‘With all of the deaths and maiming, at some point people will become too afraid to use the roads. Eventually, all drivers, cyclists and pedestrians will be dead, and the roads will be so quiet that we will be the world leaders in road safety. And at that point, we could do away with roads altogether and save the taxpayer billions. Now that’s why they pay me and Michael the big bucks.’
Categories: Fake News
Man who wiped his arse with Daily Mail claims he ‘caught’ xenophobia
A man from Reading who wiped his bum with the Daily Mail claims he has caught xenophobia as a result. Dave Phelps says he contracted the debilitating condition after wiping his arse on squares cut from the ‘newspaper’, that he’d hung from a bulldog clip in his toilet for an ironic dinner party joke.
‘We had some friends coming round,’ a rueful Dave explained ‘and for a lark I thought it might be fun. But next morning, feeling the worse for wear after three bottles of Chablis, I went to the loo and only realised I’d forgotten to change the paper back to our regular Waitrose triple-ply with Aloe Vera.
‘But of course by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and next door neighbour Bogdan, for no good whatsoever.’
‘Look, anyone thinking of doing what I did, don’t! Exposed bodily contact with The Daily Mail is so dangerous it makes Chernobyl fallout look like strawberries dusted with icing sugar.’
Professor Craig Lennox who is working to find a cure for Dave explained: ‘This was the perfect storm waiting to happen. After examining squares from the edition of the paper he used we found them to be particularly toxic.’
‘The front page was a story about a group of Eastern European plumbers working on the black economy, yet still claiming state benefits of over £50,000 pounds a week to help fund their ten-bedroomed mansions in Knightsbridge.’
‘Whilst another prominent article detailed how the two million illegal Muslim immigrants pouring into the country every week, plan to gain power then make it compulsory for every school in the land to ban the teaching of Christianity.’
‘I’m making every effort to find a cure for Mr. Phelps’ condition and I’ve put him on a course of wiping his arse with various periodicals in the hope of reversing his symptoms. We’re starting with The Express then moving through to the Telegraph and Sun until hopefully he is using Socialist Monthly like all normal people.’
hat tip to Tonymc81
Categories: Fake News
Calls for emergency Bank Holiday on Monday – Government to decide on Tuesday. More soon
Ragmans Trumpet
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Sweet Caroline quits England role after evidence emerges of hands touching hands. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Secret meetings frantically discuss Southgate tribute
Although Wednesday night’s plans to mint a special commemorative £2 coin have been put on hold until Sunday’s result is known, a more urgent decision is currently awaited regarding the proposed ennoblement of Gareth (or possibly Sir Gareth, if not Lord, Viscount or Baron Southgate, or perhaps even the Duke of Wembley) and whether that would be an adequate testament to his contribution to the wellbeing of the human race.
Sanctification, beatification or canonisation are felt by many to be a more fitting degree of elevation to a status above that of a mere human being for their hero. Clearly in the case of exceptional candidates like this, irksome requirements like being dead should be waived, at least until the England team have won a hat-trick of Euro as well as of World Cup wins. His performing of miracles, however, is obviously a simple matter of record, despite the tribulations of spending what felt like 40 days and 40 nights failing to score against Scotland.
Whilst not quite sitting on the right hand side of God – at least, not yet – Southgate would be ideally placed to act as team manager for Our Heavenly Father, advising on the best formation for His servants on Earth to play in, and what formation his saints should adopt. That way, with any luck, when it eventually comes to the Final Armageddon, Satan will be able to be defeated without the Lord’s Creation having to withstand a penalty shoot-out or even endure an eternity of extra time.
However, until England triumphs resoundingly on Sunday, Purgatory prevails. And if we lose, we can breathe a huge sigh of relief and get straight back to calling for the useless pile of donkey’s faeces to be sacked.
Categories: Fake News
Football’s coming Rome. More soon
Categories: Fake News
