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Tom Daley wins Gold in Synchronized Tube Station Diving
Tom Daley has added to his medal haul with an exceptional performance in London’s
submerged, rat-infested tube stations.
The British aquatic sport’s poster boy excelled in the brand new event that was introduced to take full advantage of Climate Change induced flash-flooding wherever it occurs.
Despite a packed station at Elephant and Castle, Daley saw off a late surge from the Chinese divers and dazzled judges with his trademark pike, which he managed to execute from a potentially dangerous static escalator.
However, the young diving wonder was left distraught after discovering that his Oyster Card was completely soggy and is no longer recognised by the purpose-built scanning devices.
“Naturally, I’m delighted to come first, especially after finding that jumping into water in a graceful fashion was having an adverse effect on my modelling career,” Daley told reporters as excess rainwater dripped from his muscular torso and the wind from a passing storm tossed his lustrous head of hair.
“My reverse tailspin off the roof of temporarily closed Pret a Manger had the judges salivating, not that you could tell due to the sheer volume of floodwater.”
“But to receive a perfect score of ten from the buskers was a career highlight. That said, they did do a pretty shit cover of Wonder Wall and I wasn’t going to part with my hard-won change for any fucker.”
“I just hope I can repeat this amazing feat when anthropogenic global warming exceeds two degrees C, the Hammersmith Line reaches saturation point and Londoners’ commutes are regularly interrupted by taciturn floating corpses.”
On what was widely touted as a fantastic day for Team GB, Daley and partner Matty Lee’s success was not without a sour note.
The super-tanned, lithe embodiment of all that is wholesome about water added:
“Sadly, I’ve been fined £250 for performing a triple forward splash without a valid ticket to Tottenham Court Road.”
Categories: Fake News
Protest at ban of shitty fingered “anti-hand washers” from finger-food buffet
People who refuse to wash their hands after shitting are protesting for being denied access to finger-food buffets, in countries fortunate enough to offer free hand washing.
Finger-food buffet organisers note that while different hand washing detergents offer different risks and benefits, all options are better than eating with shitty fingers.
One protester said “of course we should have the choice to not wash our hands after shitting, my hands my choice, but how dare people not make us welcome to share finger foods with them at their private functions, it’s like sticking two shitty fingers up to freedom”
Sunner
Image: drfuenteshernandez/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Met Police officer ‘shamed’ for having committed no crime
PC Josh Frost, 31, has been suspended from duties pending an enquiry into his lack of illicit behaviour and his reluctance to beat up students. His line manager commented: ‘It would be at this point that any normal officer would offer a bribe or try to blackmail me into releasing him. Let’s just see if PC Frost has what it takes?’
The scandal that has rocked the Metropolitan Police, has shown that Frost has had years of normal policing and has not once stalked or murdered anyone. He has steadfastly refused to turn a blind eye to local gangsters or even vote for Nick Clegg.
He even flunked joining the armed police, SCO19, as he refused to shoot the wrong person. A colleague remarked: ‘Josh has been a nightmare to work with, he speaks to witnesses, he diligently gathers evidence – and that’s just as likely to end up with one us in gaol’.
However, there is one crime they hope to pin on him – impersonating a police officer.
Categories: Fake News
Employees who murder their boss ‘more likely to be promoted’
Killing your boss may be a better career move than sucking up to him, a new study by a leading recruitment think tank claims. ‘Anyone seriously interested in advancing their career should be investing in a meat cleaver or a length of lead piping,’ said Glen Pattison of Recruitment Strategies Institute. An ounce of blunt instrument is worth a ton of hard work and sycophancy.’
Office manager Greg Linney, 38, of Northampton, agrees as his career is flying and his obnoxious ex-team leader is now encased in concrete under his patio. ‘Laughing at his jokes and letting him win at golf just wasn’t working out,’ said Linney ‘so I invited him back to my place ‘for a few cans’ and I haven’t looked back since. Before I knew it I’d got his job and his nice office, away from that annoying hum of the printer.’
Meanwhile, Rob Peasley of Leicester considers himself ‘the Ted Bundy of career advancement’. Having killed and dismembered two of his superiors in the NHS trust where he worked, he was later snapped up by a leading IT company. However, he warned that getting to the top is much harder in the private sector. ‘I had to hold my new boss’s head under water for a lot longer – they have that survival instinct you’d don’t find in the pampered nationalised industries,’ he explained.
For people who feel squeamish about committing homicide for the sake of a salary increase, Pattison advised them to spend four to six hours per day playing bloodthirsty video games to desensitise themselves. ‘When I started work here, I was barely able to swat a fly. But after staying up all night playing Decapitation Derby in my basement for six months, I soon made short work of my annoying prat of a supervisor. I still use his left testicle as a paperweight.’
Categories: Fake News
Snow leopard loses top spot. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Record Met Police officers pinged off work. Abductions, rapes, murders plunge. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Witch King of Angmar condemned by orc rank and file
The Witch King of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul, has been condemned by Lugburz Grishnakh – leader of the Orc Federation as “Useless and not representing the interests of our members” Mr Grishnakh, representing orc and cave troll rank and file said “He has lost the confidence of the federation. The proposed increase in man-flesh allowance to seven kilos a day is nothing less than an insult”
Speaking from his office in Barad-Dur yesterday, the Mouth of Sauron asserted that “The Witch King has demonstrated time and time again his commitment to the orc force but he can’t give what he doesn’t have. Seven kilos of man-flesh is more than most people are getting. Don’t forget Mordor has just faced the biggest crisis in unliving memory. We don’t have a magic man-tree you know”
The Witch King, widely seen as a divisive, bullying, tyrant with no moral compass, no inter-personal skills and very little understanding of anything at all, responded to reporters, saying “Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss”, before mounting his government-issue giant reptile type thing and flying off.
ArthurPyke
Categories: Fake News
Study reveals difference between self-absorbed narcissist and slackers
A study carried out by Nottingham University has revealed that people who spend hours and hours in front of a mirror working on their body image look marginally better than those who couldn’t give a toss.
A survey of 30-40 year old men who spent over an hour each morning showering, applying oil and charcoal cleanser to their skin, preening their facial hair and working on the perfect fade tended to look slightly better than those who had a quick shower, dragged a comb through their hair, applied some Lynx roll-on deodorant and gargled with a bit of Listerine.
Likewise women who spend hours getting their eye liner and blush just right looked better than those who simply used a wet wipe or a damp cloth to freshen up in the morning.
‘For men body shape is everything….but not all men can work on a building site or want to become a farm labourer….some of them are system analysts or software engineers or work at Subway ….so for them it’s all about working out at the gym and getting the right steroid regime.
It’s very important that they look like the cool guy off Love Island ….even if they do send their working day plastering mayo and beetroot on a tuna melt …..for them there’s nothing like having the whitest teeth on the dance floor at Legend’s nightclub or the most buffed guy buying grouting mix in B&Q.
And they might just be up a ladder cleaning the gutters or fishing a dead bird out of the drainpipe….but which singlet do you wear…..all these things matter to the fashion conscious and self aware.
And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want their dentists assistant to look like she just walked off the set at a Paris fashion shoot or was auditioning to be the love interest in the next Bond movie’.
Astonishing results.
Our next study will be trying to find out why attractive young men and women always seem to fall for older partners with pots of money.
We think the findings might astonish some people’.
Categories: Fake News
Couple who booked a holiday of a lifetime in Leicester still waiting for refund
Bill and Margaret Evans were really looking forward to their ‘once in a lifetime’ holiday to Leicester, but were gutted when Leicester was locked down again just as they were planning to catch the bus after a roller-coaster few months of worry. Now their holiday is ruined and there’s no sign of a refund in sight.
‘We re-mortgaged the house, cut back on Dominos Pizzas and even renegotiated our Sky package to afford the holiday,’ said Bill, while acknowledging the Sky deal had ‘backfired a little’ as he ended up paying £30 a month more. ‘But I did get Sky Sports added,’ he said.
‘We normally make sound decisions – we backed the winning side in the Brexit vote and feel we were instrumental in ensuring the best team possible was in charge for the coronavirus pandemic. This was such an unexpected situation especially as we book this once in a lifetime holiday every year,’ he said.
When asked about insurance, Bill shrugged. ‘Like I say, we make sound decisions and generally leave that one until the night before – no point spending money on something you’ll never need,’ he said.
Categories: Fake News
Woman posting about being too busy not too busy to post about how busy she is
Modern day hero Laura Smith, dubbed ‘Britain’s busiest woman’, has posted a series of social media updates explaining in detail how incredibly busy she is. Her latest post read ‘OMG sorry if I’m slow replying to msgs I’m CRAZY busy – send help & wine LOL!!’ before going on to explain she has to attend a lunch with a friend, a hot yoga class, book her BMW in for an MOT and get her eyebrows waxed. She finished up the post with #sleepisfortheweak #cantstopwontstop.
Many have called her a ‘martyr’ and a ‘role model’. Her oldest friend Cara explains: ‘She’s always been like this. Never too busy to stop and tell us how busy she is. Even at primary school I remember her making this speech about how busy she was with PE, English and Maths that day. Of course, we all were, but coming from Laura it was inspirational. We gave her a round of applause.’
Laura is planning to start a blog detailing how busy she is in even greater depth, with updates to include how many unread emails she has and how many items are on her to-do list.
Laura’s partner Paul is in awe of her resilience and strength: ‘She’s amazing, every day when I get back from a twelve hour shift at the hospital, she finds the time to talk to me about how busy she is. I try to stay awake for those three or four hours but often succumb to sleep which I feel terrible about. Occasionally I do try and tell her how busy I’ve been at work, with the dangerous staff shortages and overwhelming number of critically ill patients, but she’s understandably too busy.
Categories: Fake News
Pop world rocked by revelation that Dawn Butler was 6th Spice Girl
The music industry and pop fans all over the world have been stunned by the sensationalist news that Dawn Butler, the Member of Parliament for Brent, was the sixth Spice Girl.
Dawn B, codename Truthy Spice, was in the original Spice Girls line-up, but band manager Richard E Grant threw her out for being too honest and sincere. “She displayed levels of integrity we had never encountered before and was just too damn dependable. I told her to stop being factually correct all of the time or she was out. No one likes to hear that their middle name doesn’t begin with E. We just couldn’t take her being right and honourable any more, so I made her pack her bags and go and be an MP.”
“It was such a shame she had to go,” said a tearful Geri Halliwell recalling her close friendship with Truthy Spice. “Dawn B was the only one I ever really trusted. She had so much talent and could actually sing. She even wore that skimpy Union Jack dress better.”
Former Posh Spice Victoria Beckham said, *pout*.
Scary Spice Mel B recalled, “Truthy Spice said that it would have been funnier if we had called that song Beaver Forever. And you know what? She was right. That’s real girl power.”
Categories: Fake News
Husband’s ‘Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone’ vow upsets double negative pedant
A seemingly innocuous attempt to participate in the popular ‘7 day song challenge’ went badly wrong for Telford hand-drier sales rep Steve Vickers yesterday, after his wife, Samantha, stumbled across his musical choices whilst catching up on her Facebook feed.
A stickler for the correct use of grammar, English teacher Samantha was aghast when she saw the Bill Withers classic “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone” as Steve’s choice for Monday accompanied by the words ‘Samantha – this is how I feel every time you walk out the door’.
‘If that’s how happy he feels, I’m surprised he doesn’t do a little dance as I head off for work each day’, said Samantha angrily. Tuesday’s entry served only to make things worse, however, with Steve pledging: ‘If me and Sam are ever apart, I couldn’t put it better than Diana Ross: “Ain’t no Mountain High Enough… To Keep Me From You”’. ‘Fan-bloody-tastic,’ posted Samantha in a private message to her best mate Nicola. ‘Valleys, rivers, mountains. Seemingly, the little shit would not be arsed to get over ANY of them to reach me.’
Wednesday’s entry proved no less upsetting however, with Steve posting: ‘Thanks to Sarah, my old college pal for suggesting this one. Every Thursday for 3 years at the Poly Bop…. “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction!”’. ‘Well, yes, as if I really needed another reminder that Sarah very clearly kept you happy throughout Uni’, texted Samantha to Steve. ‘Your best man Pete ‘accidentally’ drops it into the conversation whenever we see him. But every week…in a disco? Classy.’ Thursday and Friday’s entries provided little solace either, with Vickers opting for McFadden and Whitehead’s “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now”, and Marvin Gaye’s “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing”.
‘Pictures inside a frame, letters, memories. ALL of them just as much the real thing as our love, apparently’, said Samantha to a group of friends over a large glass of wine. ‘Out of his 7 songs, it was only his Saturday and Sunday choices that I actually liked – nice tunes, good upbeat tempos and both with the simple comment ‘From me to Samantha’. He’d gone for Queen’s “I Want to Break Free”, and “I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe. Not sure of their exact significance or meaning though. Maybe they were the soundtrack to our Paxos trip in 2010 or something??’.
Categories: Fake News
New nanoparticle still not small enough for Tommy Robinson violin
Following the news that true Brit, son of Irish Immigrants Stephen Yaxley-Lennon – better known to his puce-faced supporters as Tommy Robinson – has lost a £100,000 libel case brought by a Syrian Refugee, Materials Scientists at the Diamond Light Synchrotron in Oxfordshire have admitted defeat in developing a material capable of building a violin small enough to play in sympathy.
“After months of attempt to knit atoms together through manipulation via electrons, we cannot go any further,” said Professor Kiaan Mukerjee, project leader. “We developed a new fibre, which we called PolyEDLer, and made it into a string one-millionth the thickness of a human hair that could vibrate at a perfect A-note. It was so quiet, even when connected to our first prototype instrument, that we had to send it to CERN in Switzerland to even determine it was generating sound. Even that was too loud to express the levels of sorrow we have for the worst thing to come out of Luton since the Vauxhall Cavalier.”
Undaunted by their setback, Professor Muckerjee’s team still hope there is a future for their new material. Work has already begun on forming the fibres into a weave that, it is hoped, could make a new fabric suitable for a variety of uses, least of which could be creating tiny pairs of socks, so that the former head of the EDL could finally buy a pair that fit. Unfortunately, with the likely cost of a pair to be in the range of thousands of pounds, it’s not likely the diminutive bigot will be able to afford a pair any time soon.
Categories: Fake News
Met Office warns it could be hotter than the surface of the sun by Friday
Extreme temperatures are expected to reach the UK later this week forcing forecasters to issue an amber alert for parts of Margate and the remote Irish village of Ballyageddon.
‘5600 degrees is nothing we can’t handle’, said Kevin Fullicks, a resident of Margate. ‘It’s about time we had a decent summer’.
‘I was a desert rat so I’m used to the heat. Admittedly this will be a different kind of heat, the kind that can vaporise your face off if you don’t take precautions. I’ve invested in 96 bottles of factor two million sun cream for the kids so they should be alright’.
The government has urged people to behave responsibly, not to venture outside under any circumstances and try to spend as much time as they can sitting in a bath of ice water.
Categories: Fake News
Prince Harry publishing memoirs, in case we’ve forgotten about his stuff
After releasing a string of interviews, documentaries and filmed psychotherapy sessions about himself over the past year, Prince Harry has announced he will shortly be publishing his memoirs, entitled “Flogging A Dead Horse”.
“The book will tell the public, for the tenth time over, how I went from being a confused, mixed-up kid to finding true purpose and happiness in my life, thanks to Meghan,” said Harry at a press conference in Montecito as he cast terrified glances at his wife.
“I realise this takes quite a bit of explaining,” he continued, “because up until a few years ago I was a happy, outgoing young guy and many people’s favourite royal whereas now I am a miserable, self-obsessed shadow of my former self who is seemingly eaten up by anger and resentment. That all goes to show you the benefits of top-dollar psychotherapy, and having the love of a woman like Meghan.”
Prince Harry is not the only man in the news to be writing his memoirs. Dominic Cummings will shortly be releasing an autobiography called “Flogging A Dead Boris” in which he tells us, for the tenth time over, that the prime minister is a vacuous, dead-brained puppet and that Carrie had no right to stop him pulling the strings.
Categories: Fake News
“U N whose army?” More soon.
Categories: Fake News
London zoo pangolins panged
Categories: Fake News
