Feed aggregator
German court fines woman for ‘from the river to the sea’ chant
Defence lawyer calls the $655 fine against 22-year-old protester a 'dark day for freedom of expression'.
Categories: South Asia
Tim Walz, favoured by progressives, selected as Harris’s running mate
Kamala Harris selected Minnesota Governor and former teacher Tim Walz as her running mate in the 2024 US election.
Categories: South Asia
Venezuela defence minister pledges ‘absolute loyalty’ to Maduro
Country's defence chief pledges to stand by Maduro's side following calls by opposition to join 'side of the people'.
Categories: South Asia
Musk declares ‘war’ on advertisers as X sues ad alliance, companies
In its lawsuit, X said an advertisers alliance conspired to withhold 'billions of dollars' in ad revenue from it.
Categories: South Asia
Nobel laureate Muhammad Yunus to lead Bangladesh interim government
The microfinance pioneer has been tapped to lead an interim government after the ouster of PM Sheikh Hasina.
Categories: South Asia
Bangladeshis dream of a better future after Hasina ousted
Hope for a new start and idealism for a better future as the country celebrates the removal of longtime leader.
Categories: South Asia
Hamas names Yahya Sinwar as new leader after Ismail Haniyeh’s killing
The selection of Sinwar follows the assassination of Ismail Haniyeh and signals centrality of Gaza within the group.
Categories: South Asia
Israeli jets set off sonic booms over Beirut as Nasrallah warns of response
Israeli jets fly low over Beirut, with sonic booms rattling windows throughout the Lebanese capital.
Categories: South Asia
Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science’
The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.
Johnson and Hancock’s valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’
A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s ‘doing the exact opposite’ research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:
– The ‘delay in taking any action whatsoever’ strategy
– The ‘not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy
– The ‘Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group’ strategy
– The ‘let’s go for herd immunity’ strategy
– The ‘don’t bother with facemasks’ strategy
– The ‘we’re not listening to the WHO’ strategy
– The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it’ strategy
– The ‘abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown’ strategy
– The ‘let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead’ strategy
The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn’t have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.
‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject’, said the spokseperson. ‘However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’
Categories: Fake News
Fears for life expectancy in Scotland triggered by Scottish Widows getting so much younger
Population forecasters are tinkling in their tighty whities. The clearest indication yet that life expectancy in Scotland is plummeting has sent shockwaves through the back of a fag packet totter community.
Experts in looking at women and assessing their relative ages examined Scottish Widows adverts over the past few decades and have declared that they are definitely getting younger. Professor Iain James explained, ‘We went back all of the way to the the 1980s and had a stab at guessing the ages of each Scottish Widow smirking knowingly in her black hooded cape.
‘What we found was shocking. Firstly, there was not one wrinkly old Scottish Widow with missing teeth in her 70s. There was one who might have been in her late forties, but her skin was as smooth as a plump haggis and her perfect white teeth glistened in the Glasgow rain.
‘But I’m afraid it gets much sexier. You can see that every few years each one is replaced with a younger model: Early forties; then late thirties; and by the 2010s she is early thirties, tops.
‘In the latest Scottish Widows advert she looks about 23. That can’t mean anything else other than the men they were married to are dying much, much younger than we had previously dared consider.
‘At these rates, we estimate the population of Scotland will be -17 in 2041.’
Categories: Fake News
Random story generator deployed at The Sun
It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse. Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:
A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.
Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].
[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”
We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.
Categories: Fake News
Alan Sugar under fire for bogus apprenticeship scheme
The employment practices of an Essex businessman were under the spotlight today, after investigators uncovered an elaborate scam being run from his Brentwood offices. Luring up to 18 recruits a year with the promise of £250,000, Alan Sugar, also known by the sinister sobriquet ‘Lord’, had been running a sham training programme for over 12 years. Newcomers worked unpaid for up to 3 months, forced to perform a series of demeaning tasks for Sugar’s personal gratification.
‘We first contacted Sugar after hearing that the search for his apprentice was continuing,’ reported David Peters, from the national fraud unit. ‘We suggested a 4-year Modern Apprenticeship to meet his needs. He seemed to have no idea about the new national qualifications framework and standards. He asked whether we were talking about a new public sector task planned for week 4, and whether our apprentice could ‘smell what sells’. He also assured us his training was accredited by the school of hard knocks and the University of Life, before hanging up.’
Suspicions aroused, Peters started to track Sugar using covert surveillance, 30 cameras, and a full symphony orchestra playing that well known bit from Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights.
Sugar proved elusive however, cleverly rotating his ‘apprentices’ around London townhouses, transporting them in separate chauffeur-driven black cars, and, in one notable episode, moving them to an antique shop in Northern France to avoid detection.
However, undercover police were able to gather slo-mo images of the workers striding purposefully across Millenium Bridge in business suits at 9 p.m. every Thursday on prime-time television. Together with surprisingly clear recordings of conversations about work tasks, shouted by the workers into a cell phone on speaker mode, a case against Sugar’s scam scheme was gradually built up.
‘This was no apprenticeship, just ritual humiliation, the effects of which will last a lifetime,’ noted Peters. ‘Spot checks at 5 a.m., required to parade for Sugar in tight-fitting Calvin Klein and Agent Provocateur underwear. That footage was, I have to say, tantalisingly brief. One particular worker was ordered to dress as a receptionist, and forced to repeat the phrase ‘Lord Sugar will see you now’, whilst the businessman pleasured himself behind a frosted glass screen. His henchmen, called simply ‘Claude’ and ‘Karen’, would stand guard, looking on impassively. Truly horrific.’
‘Self-centred, power hungry, a despicable individual,’ concluded Peters. ‘Enough about Katie Hopkins, though, this is about naming and shaming Sugar. Unfortunately, lowlife chancers like him inevitably turn up again, typically in professions where standards and ethics are much lower. Just look at Donald Trump.’
Categories: Fake News
Channel 4 apologizes as Grand Designs couple don’t overspend or get pregnant
A spokesman for Channel 4 has apologised profusely after thousands of viewers complained about the content of this week’s Grand Designs. Presenter Kevin McCloud, could be seen seething on camera as this week’s couple, Tarquin and Philomena Farquar-Slowly were seen to have planned everything down to the last detail and even had a contingency plan and emergency funds.
Their “grand design” a former railway water tower with the added twist of being rebuilt in a tree on the side of a former slag heap, using only reclaimed materials and local labour, and powered by their own urine, was a huge success.
One viewer told us, “I was devastated! They didn’t even have one blazing row where the man kicks something over and disappears for three weeks. The woman wasn’t even pregnant for the whole show and about to give birth any second, yet still managing to carry concrete slabs up a ladder. They even had the correct planning permission, FFS!!!! I feel cheated!”
Tarquin and Philomena did not have to spend the winter in a leaky caravan nor did they max out fifteen credit cards or have to give false details at B&Q. They did not go cap in hand to Philomena’s aunt, who hates Tarquin, or sell any of their family heirlooms, vehicles or bodily organs.
Kevin McCloud was unavailable for comment and is believed to be staying with friends.
Categories: Fake News
Wave down aeroplanes if you feel unsafe, Met tells women
Women should flag down an aeroplane if they feel unsafe during an arrest, according to the Metropolitan Police.
New guidance issued today suggests that any woman with doubts about the credentials of an arresting officer would be perfectly entitled to radio control “Mayday! Mayday!” into the cockpit of a passing Boeing 747 and await assistance.
Alternatively, every woman could carry equipment for a makeshift runway on their person at all times – including large cat’s eyes for the landing stage and two red flags. Any normal police officer would be more than happy to wait for them to set these up, rather than completing the arrest and/or assault.
“We’re close enough in London to two major airports that this idea is perfectly feasible,” said a source, “and not at all the panicked response of an organisation desperate to shift responsibility onto others.”
The Met has faced criticism for placing the onus on women to adapt their behaviour in the wake of male violence, rather than men. But, sources inside the most senior police body in the land insisted that any pilot diverting the course of their flight by 40,000ft to help a woman on the ground would clearly be adapting their behaviour significantly, and to please stop asking difficult questions.
“Yes, protecting women and excising police misconduct should be the role of the Met,” continued the source. “But, on the other hand, if women can keep themselves safe by gesticulating to an aircraft captain as he sets out on a long haul flight to New York, then who are we to stop them? It’s just common sense.”
Confirmed one woman, “When I have a jumbo jet bearing down on me from out of the clear blue sky, I’ll still feel safer than I would alone with a policeman.”
Categories: Fake News
Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist
A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.
Professor Tobias Dell said that within the next few years all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms where they will continue to exist in the primordial soup.
“Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located,” he told assembled scientists at an international geography conference.
“It’s a bit like the behaviour of, The Skeksis out of The Dark Crystal when they all felt some strange inexorable force drawing them back to the place of their creation.
“It’s my view, that by 2024, pretty much all of them will have been reduced to floating on the surface of the water gazing sightlessly at the sky, with absolutely no cognisance of the world around them.
“A bit like Young Conservatives in the hotel pool when they’re on holiday.”
A spokesman for the fiercely pro-Brexit, United Kingdom Independence Party, hit back furiously at the professor’s remarks.
“Primordial soup? Never! We only have good old proper British soup like oxtail or cockaleekie in my house!”
Categories: Fake News
Wind from Johnson’s arse will power every home in the UK
Addressing the Tory Party Conference, Boris Johnson has announced an ambitious plan that will see the endless flow of hot air and wind emanating from his bum-hole harnessed in a bid to supply the UK’s entire domestic electricity supply within ten years.
As ever when it comes to Mr Johnson’s sensational promises, hard details are in short supply, but it’s understood that from today onward he will eat only baked beans and hot spicy foods in a bid to build up initial reserves. One insider commenting off the record said, ‘The PM generates phenomenal amounts of wind wherever he goes so we hope he can deliver on his promise for once.’
Boffins are currently working on a sophisticated valve and detachable pipework system that will be inserted into Boris’s anus sometime next year. One wind expert commented, ‘With Mr Johnson undoubtedly being the nation’s biggest windbag it would be a shame to let this opportunity simply go to waste and disappear, as it were, on the breeze.’
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit is getting a face lift…and a tummy tuck
In the next few weeks, you will hopefully notice that NewsBiscuit has had a big makeover. This is partly out of necessity but mainly due to a mid-life crisis on the part of our editors.
For our loyal and undiscerning readers, you will find daily stories exactly where you expect them – at NewsBiscuit.com. However, we are launching a range of extra features – such as podcasts, caption competitions, annuals, etc. None of which, will be impacted by fuel shortages.
NewsBiscuit remains written by you, uncensored, non-profit and free to read.
Categories: Fake News
Levelling up: Boris moves entire North offshore
The whole North of England has been moved to a PO Box in the British Virgin Islands, it was confirmed today.
‘It’s the simplest way of levelling up’, said a government spokesman. ‘All northerner wages will cross the Atlantic, do the double Irish and circumnavigate the Channel Islands before hitting pockets. The only tax they’ll pay will be on Wetherspoons beer, pies and whippet insurance. Hardly any loss to the treasury, according to my mate Piers.’
However, some Conservatives expressed concern that the cost of public services for Redcar, Ribblesdale and Rotherham would fall on southern shoulders.
‘There’s an easy solution to that’, said a spokesperson for Jacob Rees-Mogg MP. ‘Stash the South in the Cayman Islands in a multilayered fund structure. Beyond that, Jacob reckons that if a wage-earner in Wokingham is stupid enough to lose his money to a Turkmen jumble sale scam that’s his lookout. He should have gone to a better school.’
Categories: Fake News
