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Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad
A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.
Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event (‘he pulled out of that planche to handstand there’) to tae-kwon do (‘that’s surely got to be a gam-jeon’?.’
‘I think the family likes to know what’s going on – the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight’, said McBride, with one eye on the Men’s triathlon. ‘I see my role as a kind of public information service….oh, that’s a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there – that’s going to cost him’.
‘Lots of splash on entry there’, continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. ‘The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds’.
‘By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is ‘definitely top drawer’, said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete’s wife. ‘I don’t think we can take any more’.
‘The family look to be ‘in the red’ already in terms of stamina’, summarised McBride excitedly. ‘They’ll need to dig deep if they’ve any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they’ll unfortunately go into the repecharge’
Categories: Fake News
RNLI ignoring fishing quotas, says Farage
The ex-UKIPer, face like a kipper, has accused the Royal National Lifeboat Institution of rescuing too many refugees, instead of throwing them back in. A spokeswoman asked: ‘What else is Nigel going to eat with his chip supper, if no dead refugees are available?’
The French and British have long held a maritime agreement that for every cod caught, they have to drop a Syrian child into the sea. Mr. Farage said the actions of the RNLI made a mockery of this, claiming that soon, fish will outnumber drowned migrants.
Explained one migrant, who was really an international drugs warlord: ‘We cunningly take ourselves top the point of death and then sneakily get a lift back to the mainland’. Asked why, if he was an international drug lord, did he not just get a fake passport and pop over on the ferry, he replied: ‘Um…er…’.
The UK Government has agreed to send gunboats to sink the RNLI vessels. To further protect the dwindling stocks, Mr Farage suggested that the UK be flooded, thus removing the land to land on. Claimed the spokeswoman: ‘By being submerged under water, Brexit will be complete’.
Categories: Fake News
Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter
Manufacturers have dismissed claims that confectionery favourites have shrunk, explaining that anything would look small in our ‘big fat, sausage fingers’. The Office for National Statistics concluded that 2,500 products that were previously thought to be subject to shrinkflation, were simply ‘further away’ than first thought.
Said one food scientist: ‘It’s all about perspective. This packet of Maltesers looks relatively small next to the UK’s diabetic crisis. Now lets compare it to the clown’s pocket that is Boris Johnson’s mouth – see, it now looks as teensy as the UK’s economic growth.’
Some insist that Toblerone’s mountains have shrunk by 12%, but others attribute that to strip-mining and rising sea levels. Likewise, underpants which were thought to be shrinking, have in fact remained constant in girth; while the average UK waist has expanded faster than a case of botulism at Glastonbury
True enough, squeezing six fun-size Mars Bars into your bloated face will make them look miniscule, while also providing years of Freudian analysis. The ONS suggests: ‘If you can measure the distance between your sofa and fridge in inches rather than feet, then your chocolate bars are not small enough.’
Categories: Fake News
Coldplay acquisition of Mr. Whippy in meltdown
Sources in the City of London have indicated the multi-million pound takeover of ice-cream purveyors Mr. Whippy by dinner-party pop princes Coldplay, is in full meltdown.
After responsibly ending touring to reduce their impact on the planet’s mental health, the band, well singer/songwriter Chris Martin, is now witnessing society open-up to allow live performances in front of large crowds and is feeling a bit left out. It is believed this yearning for a return to mass exposure was the catalyst for the band, well Chris, to launch a ferocious buyout bid to secure Whippy and its extensive fleet of ice-cream vans.
Spokesperson for the band, Tom Goldsmith, explained: ‘Ice cream sellers have traditionally attracted customers to their vans with catchy tunes, like: Colonel Bogey, Greensleeves, and the Captain Pugwash sea shanty everyone tries to jig to when pissed. The band, well Chris, thought they could broadcast their music from Whippy’s vans, albeit in a non-lyrical jingle form, to hundreds of thousands of people who would otherwise choose not to listen, but are forced to because they want an ice-cream.”
Music wasn’t the only thing Coldplay wanted to give the public a taste of; Maurice Barr, publicist for Mr. Whippy, added: “It further transpired, the band, well Chris; being in competition with ex-wife, Gwyneth, wanted to sell his own brand of vegan ice cream, with flavours like: ‘This Tastes Like My Vagina But With A Flake In It’ and ‘This Ice-Cream Is Organic And Green, But Not As Green As My All-Consuming Envy’. The board at Whippy were none too pleased, the takeover was off.
According to sources in the City: the band, well Chris: despite biting-off more Whippy than he can chew, suffering financial brain-freeze, and having rejection sauce dripping off his chin, is next planning a buyout of Royal Mail. Subject to the ability of posties to whistle a dreary tune, of course.
Categories: Fake News
British public completely baffled over what exactly JPN stands for
‘We haven’t a clue’, said Pauline Tennant, a 43-year-old grandmother from Romford. ‘We were up all night but couldn’t work it out. The nearest we could get was Jalapeno pepper, although Kylie, my eldest, thought it might be Japonica’.
The BBC switchboard has been inundated with calls from viewers demanding to know what exactly JPN stands for. Deputy Diversity Switchboard Chief, Nigel Mugford, admitted they’d been caught out.
‘Our £3.6bn viewer modelling contraption predicted a small surge in calls during a large pointless sporting event, but nothing on this scale. We’ve had to recruit hundreds more switchboard operators to cope with the demand. I can only apologise to all our viewers, and I’ve promised our new Director General that there will be a full internal investigation’.
‘JPN is certainly something of a mystery and has caught people’s imagination. Interestingly we’ve had no problems with people working out what BRA stands for.’
Categories: Fake News
Parents remortgage house to pay for child’s Sylvanian Families habit
Sara and Tom are parents to seven year old Ava and in May this year were forced to remortgage their house in order to fund Ava’s new-found hobby of collecting Sylvanian Families.
‘The problems started around her birthday’ explains Sara between sobs ‘she wanted the Adventure Treehouse and Walnut Squirrel Family…we agreed before we even checked the price – what idiots we were – but there was no going back, we couldn’t disappoint her on her birthday. So we ordered them from the Argos catalogue after securing a small bank loan. It all just escalated from there…before we knew it, she wanted the Log Cabin, the Caravan Playset with working oven and air con – then the Red Roof Country House with it’s its own lighting, plumbing and central heating system. By this point, we had maxed-out on all the payday loans we could get our hands on and fell into crippling debt. That’s when we knew we would have to remortgage the house’.
It is estimated that raising a child to 18 costs £150,000 with around £110,000 of that going on Sylvanian Families sets. A Deluxe Three Story Otter’s Town House will set parents back in the region of £100k. This is a large outlay for a single item, especially when you consider Otters don’t need a house, so you are roped into also buying a Canal Boat for their added comfort which they also don’t need because they are inanimate objects.
Seven year old Ava has a level headed approach to the situation: ‘Sylvanian Families were ok but I’m nearly eight now, so to be honest, I think Sylvanian Families are a bit babyish for me. I’m going to start collecting rare, vintage Barbies instead. So I need to let Mum and Dad know they will need to put the car on eBay and sell my younger brother on the dark web’.
Categories: Fake News
Public raise government threat level to “Omni-cluster-shambles-fuck”. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Government to target victims of violent crime
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised to target victims of violent crime in an effort to make UK neighbourhoods a safer place to live. The government has said that victims of knife crime and gunshot wounds will be tagged once they are discharged from hospital and anyone who has suffered physical violence will be ordered to stay at home so that local police officers can monitor their location at all times. Victims of burglary will have their remaining possessions confiscated so that they cannot be burgled again and anyone involved in an alcohol-related crime will have their Nectar points taken away.
‘The easiest way to tackle crime is to take potential victims off the street’ said the PM ‘this means anyone walking the street is clearly up to no good…..whether they be a career criminal, an opportunist thief or a member of an organised crime gang…they will be easier to identify by their freedom to come and go as they please. We are aiming for a 100% anti-victim tolerance levels….no victim of crime will be safe on our streets.’
Drug dealers will be forced to make home deliveries, making it easier for police to identify and prosecute drug users. Social behaviour will not be tolerated. All future bus shelters would come pre-vandalised, councils would be asked to scatter used syringes and broken glass around playgrounds to deter kiddies from playing on the swings and any remaining youth club would be forced to close although this last initiative has probably already happened.
Victims of on-line fraud and confidence tricksters would also be targeted by new legislation now going through parliament with some having their computers and mobile phones confiscated so that it could not happen again.
However, the PM was quick to assure close friends and family that the awarding of eye-watering contracts for doing nothing in return would largely be unaffected as it was not actually a crime.
‘Schoolchildren are particularly vulnerable to criminal activity and bullying on their way to school every day. So the answer to that particular problem is obvious……..I don’t think I need explain it to you do I?
I have already notified our developer friends in the building industry about what will happen next.
They have already donated millions to party coffers and we haven’t even closed our first playgroup yet’.
Categories: Fake News
School to start selling random shit in retaliation for Aldi selling uniforms
A school is to start selling the weird, random shit that’s usually found in Aldi’s middle aisle in retaliation for the German supermarket giant’s decision to sell cut-pice uniforms.
From the beginning of next term, Rick Wakeman Academy in Romford will start selling hundreds of products – including mineral polishing kits, Bluetooth fax machines and gazebos – from their tuck shop.
“Woolworths, BHS and Blockbuster Video all tried to sell uniforms on my patch and look what happened to them. If Aldi wants a turf war, they’ve got one” said headmaster Nev Burke.
“Originally, I was going to sue them or, at the very least, take them on Judge Rinder”.
“However, although the jumpers and blazers Aldi are selling are almost identical to the academy’s, there’s no copyright infringement because they replaced the school badge with an embroidery of Cuthbert the Caterpillar. Bastards”.
Mr Burke added that he also intends to launch a loyalty scheme to encourage parents to continue to buy uniforms directly from the school. Perks of the scheme will include early access to exam questions, a meet-and-greet with the lollipop man and complimentary airbrushing of school photos.
Categories: Fake News
Crimestoppers hit by gobstoppers
Crimestoppers’ campaign to attract younger informants by offering free gobstoppers has ‘bockfried’ according to its CEO Mike Smythe. ‘Wore delsuhed wish gogshoppers an ish haulding bock our walk,’ he commented. ‘The pobom is theshe kids ahre phobing in to roport crimesh boct thore onintelligible ccosh they have got mauves foll of gogshockers we our shelves has hambid oup.’
It’s understood that Mr Smythe and his team have tried to diminish their pile of donated gobstoppers held at Crimestoppers HQ with a concentrated sucking campaign, which has led to call centre workers and those that call them having conversations neither can understand.
Mr Smythe said: ‘This hash memp a pershect shtorn, cobbubications wives, wiv urshent crimesh mishreforted.’ The problem has been compounded by the fact that the 480 kilos of gobstoppers that Crimestoppers thought were a charitable donation were actually stolen with, say Crimestoppers, ‘the intention of pervorting the cosh of juss pish’. This has led to the organisation launching a nationwide helpline to catch the confectionery thieves. Mr Smythe said ‘anygun wish informashoh shoub call ush om: oh aitch humbled aitch fibe nibe five. I’ll repeach that oh aitch humbled aitch fye nibe fibe’.
Categories: Fake News
May completes Brexit deal by agreeing to stay in EU
Prime Minister Theresa May has successfully concluded Brexit negotiations on the first day that she took over them – but accidentally committed to remaining in the EU. ‘At first we were all slightly confused because she just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ and ‘strong and stable’ at us,’ said Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiating officer. ‘But eventually we had a rigorous debate. She was as tough with us as she is at Prime Minister’s Question Time – so it was quite easy.’
Hours went by and the deal while the deal was thrashed out behind closed doors. Recently appointed – and even more recently deputised – Brexit secretary Dominic Rabb said the negotiations were ‘fierce’ before adding: ‘Well, they sounded like it through the keyhole I was listening at. But I didn’t like to pry too much because Mrs May said it wasn’t any of my business.’
After just three hours Barnier and a confused looking May appeared before the press to announce the details of the deal. ‘We spent the last few hours listening to Mrs May’s demands and looking at the Chequers White Paper,” Barnier said. “We still have no idea of what her Government wants. There seemed to be no common ground and then we had a breakthrough and found areas we agreed upon, which was to piss Boris off.’
‘We laughed a lot, far more than we ever did with David Davies,’ Barnier continued. ‘Mrs May was willing to make quite a few concessions to get at Boris. She conceded on the issue of blue passports, the need to leave the EU and the future of her political career.’ May was led away whilst mumbling ‘Brexit means Boris’. Meanwhile, Home Secretary Sajid Javid said the deal meant the UK would not object if the EU wanted to bring the death penalty for Nigel Farage.
Categories: Fake News
Six year old violinist happy with progress as neighbour suggests studying abroad. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Passport Control officials to re-train as nightclub bouncers
Following the news that nightclub attendees will need to show vaccine passports from the end of September onwards, immigration control workers are preparing to adapt their skills at refusing entry to people they don’t like the look of.
With fewer flights arriving in the UK than is customary in August, there was a real prospect of airports having sufficient staff in Passport Control to deal with demand. However, the re-training and subsequent redeployment of the majority of the department to nightclubs around the country will see a return to the customary inadequate provision and the usual delays of up to three hours.
These staff will be re-trained to scrutinise a different set of passport documentation than they are used to and then use their powers of discretion to admit attractive groups of girls out on a hen night, attractive girls with barely anything on, girls that may be less attractive but could be up for it, and maybe some young, weedy lads that they could punch into the middle of next week if they felt like it. They will also be trained to feel like it.
Queue mismanagement is one aspect of the job that will be very familiar to former passport control personnel. Many are used to having one official dealing slowly and painstakingly with the longest queue while four others are on duty in the fast-track route having a brief sociable chat with people as they breeze past. This will simply be replicated for the public entrance compared to the VIP and Mates of Doormen entrance.
Acting as bouncers is likely to come naturally to some officials already experienced at turning away disappointed applicants based on questionable motives. Others may need reassurance that wearing trainers is sufficient grounds for saying, ‘I don’t care what you say or who you are, it’s up to me and I say you’re not coming in.’
Categories: Fake News
Family shocked: ‘We’ve got a bread maker?!?’
Despite the evidence to the contrary, the Begum family have denied all knowledge of the bread maker they have found at the back of one of their kitchen cupboards. The object in question, was discovered next to a series of other discarded items; a spiralizer, a waffle maker, a TARDIS centre console full of fruit and the NHS track & trace App.
Gathering dust, no one could remember purchasing said item, let alone using it. ‘When did we buy that?’ asked Dad. ‘Was it a deeply unromantic anniversary gift?’ quizzed Mum ‘Is it an old mobile phone?’ said one of the kids.
The Begums from Manchester, are not alone in wondering why they have an electric pepper grinder and what the hell is an avocado holder? What started as an attempt to clear out a cupboard, has now revealed enough space to a fit a spare bedroom, with an ensuite, which probably explains the TARDIS console, if not the fruit.
Remarked Mum: ‘It’s just another unwanted thing, taking up space in the kitchen’. ‘Just like me,’ agreed Dad. ‘Where do you put the SIM card?’ asked the kids, who had not been paying attention to any of this.
Categories: Fake News
Northerners believed to be targeted by Pegasus pieware
Pegasus pieware is a pieware that can be covertly installed in pies to detect who exactly has eaten them. The pieware is capable of collecting passwords and location tracking.
It was discovered three weeks ago by Eddie Fazackerley, a furloughed organic hobnailed boot designer from Wigan. Mr Fazackerley noticed a failed installation attempt on his beef and potato iPie.
‘If that pieware had fully exploited my security vulnerabilities and obtained unrestricted access to the filling, there’s no telling the havoc it would wreak.
Luckily I managed to pour on my gravy in the nick of time, which seemed to neutralise its operational parameters and stop it infecting my pie’.
A spokesperson for Mi6 said it was the most sophisticated remote pie attack ever, and that in-depth analysis confirmed that the pieware was being widely used against Northerners.
‘Clearly, whoever is behind all this wants to find out who has eaten all the pies, and we’d recommend that all Northerners protect themselves by also eating all the gravy’.
Categories: Fake News
Middle class meltdown as Waitrose closes stores
Many of Britain’s middle class have been placed on suicide watch following yesterday’s news that Waitrose is to close seven of its supermarkets. Conchita Marquez-Pommeroy, a devotee of the Waitrose brand who lives in Kensington and does all of her shopping with the retailer said: ‘This is very concerning development and although thankfully our local store is safe for now.’
‘Roger my husband told me he doesn’t want to have to source his Duchy Original product ranges online, as he is perfectly happy for me to pay ridiculously over the odds just to retain the convenience of being able to pop them, ever so easy-peasy into my trolley in-store.’
Already there have been reports of panic buying and widespread hoarding from customers whose local branches are closing, with stocks of Quail eggs, Shiitake mushrooms, Iberico ham and Nduja sausage said to be running perilously low.
One tearful shopper, speaking this morning from behind the wheel of her BMW X6 as she waited for the doomed Marlow branch to open sobbed: ‘What a betrayal, what a kick in the teeth this is. And talk about rubbing our noses in the dirt! As if it’s not bad enough that they’re closing our store… I have found out that it’s being sold to… L-L-L-L Lidl.’
However, not all are despondent at the news. One estate agent, who asked for his name to be withheld, said that business has boomed since the news emerged. ‘Affected people are desperate to move to the catchment area of a Waitrose that is saying open,’ said Colin Purple-Bricks. ‘People whose branches are being closed or worse are really panicking. House prices have fallen by over 15% in some areas.’
Hat tip Mick Turate
Categories: Fake News
