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Bank robbers and highwaymen confirm they will continue to wear masks after 19th of July
Categories: Fake News
Bolsonaro chronic hiccups is just his soul trying to escape
Reports that the Brazilian President is in hospital for hiccups, have been confused with the fact, that what little remains of his good conscience is leaving by the nearest available exit. Frustrated by residing in the body of crypto fascist, his remaining scruples were hoping to jump into the body of someone more kindly – like Ted Bundy.
Bolsonaro has been unable to stop hiccupping for the past ten days and has been unable to feel compassion for the last sixty years. The last twinge of guilt he experienced was when a talking cricket leapt on his shoulder to offer him moral advice, after which Bolsonaro demanded that his guards shoot the creature in the back of the head.
In fact, he is the first politician whose hiccups have lasted longer than his commitment to the environment. The President warned his soul that it would only leave over his dead body, to which the soul replied: ‘That was kind of the point’.
Categories: Fake News
Estimate concludes that Wembley Stadium “about the size of a football pitch”
Following a £37 billion project commissioned by Downing Street, it has been discovered that Wembley Stadium is about the size of a football pitch.
Number 10 were uncertain about what football is or how big it might be, so commissioned Deloitte, the nation’s leading experts in spaffification to look closely into the issue. Following 16 months of intense investigation, newly appointed Wembley Stadium Size Tsar Dido Harding concluded, “We have provided a definitive answer which the whole country can get behind.”
Questions have been raised about whether Harding was the right person for the job given that the subject area was not her field of expertise. Spokesman for pun-based sense, Gary Lineker pointed out, “It’s not a field of expertise, it’s a pitch of expertise.”
It is believed that those who built Wembley Stadium had offered their services for free, but were overlooked for the private contract. “We contacted the government immediately, and indicated that we could provide the precise dimensions, capacity and average queue times for the women’s toilets. But the government repeatedly ignored us and never responded to our offers.”
It is understood that the Football Association, a group who are vaguely aware of the beautiful game, but who choose to batter it with the ugly stick of gross monetisation, have suggested that Wembley Stadium might actually be a bit bigger than the size of a football pitch. But they won’t comment officially until the government provides adequate documentation in the form of multiple request forms bearing the Queen’s head, stuffed inside fat brown envelopes.
Questions have also arisen from people who know what football is, many of them including, “Seriously? Even my six-year-old daughter could have told you that.” But Prime Minister Boris Johnson has insisted that this was the correct and only course of action, adding, “Can someone tell me how big that is in cricket pitches?”
Categories: Fake News
‘There’s no room for football in racism’, bigots confirm
Following widespread condemnation of the online abuse hurled at three England players after their Euro 2020 final defeat, the nation’s bigots have hit back by renouncing football as the primary platform for their racist rhetoric.
In response to scathing criticism from the FA and England Manager Gareth Southgate, and a slightly vague, non-committal ticking off from the Prime Minister, racists across the country have now united against football. A statement issued by the newly formed group, Racism Against Football, asserted that, “football will no longer be tolerated in any form” as an outlet for attacking people “who don’t look like they’re from round here”.
The group were unable to issue any further updates on their plans, however, as their Facebook and Twitter accounts were permanently blocked two minutes after their initial statement was published.
Categories: Fake News
Children as young as four using adverbs, report warns
Local councils are being asked to do more following a damning new survey that claims children as young as four are regularly using adverbs in general conversation.
And far from having no understanding of their meaning or grammatical usage, experts now fear that children have a pretty good understanding of when to use them.
“It’s shocking really,” one parent, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “You talk to them like a child for years, and then – bang – they’re using words even you can’t understand.”
Some claim they are picking up this language from older siblings, or from playground chatter, others fear that the internet is responsible for this rapid growth in descriptive vocabulary. Concerned parents are advised to install an adverb-blocker in their web browser.
Sally, 28, with her five year old daughter Emily, repeated the frustrations of many. “My Emily is an Angel, but I really get upset when she starts using words that are really beyond her years. For example, the other day she started asking about what would happen to her pet rabbit Fluffy since the whole universe was decaying into an orderless state due to entropy.”
“Mummy, don’t be upset.”, Emily chimes in, ” – and it’s ‘disordered state’, not orderless,”
“Fortunately, I have still not caught her using adverbs. “, Sally continues, ” I’m very careful to make sure she doesn’t pick up anything from me – I’d never knowingly use one in front of her.”
Categories: Fake News
Woman Successfully Buys Bra Online
Experienced bosom owner Sally Jones achieved the once in a lifetime triumph this week of buying a bra online which fitted her actual form, the actual shape she is now, rather than a shape she has been in the past, or may be in future, or might belong to a hypothetical woman that is not her.
Her day began as usual, with her putting on her old faithful pink T-shirt bra which has gone a bit tatty and which she finds the straps slip down on a bit more often than they used to. In the back of her mind she was aware she’d ordered some up top smalls from M&S but she never hoped for one moment that this would be a successful transaction. She was fully expecting to be in the Post Office queue returning the tit pants on Saturday morning.
When the package arrived she ignored it for an hour, knowing that never in all her years of having lady bumps to dress and a computer have the two aligned usefully. Bras bought online are always too tight, too loose or too lumpy, leading to a sort of slightly rude Goldilocks type scenario but without disgruntled bears.
Eventually Sally Jones thought she may as well either cram her coconuts into something too small or let her sin cushions dangle as unsupported as a female MP who wants decent maternity leave. Sally carefully opened the package, ready for re-sealing it when her new bra had failed her, and was pleased by the lovely pistachio colour which had looked a bit different on the internet because they do, don’t they?
She took off old faithful and noticed that the old guard and the new recruit seemed on the face of it to be of similar dimensions. She could still breathe after doing up new bra and when she looked in the mirror was astounded to see that her jubblies were well contained, with no pinching, overhang or spare space. “It’s a titty bonanza!” exclaimed Sally.
Categories: Fake News
“Ideal moment to end measures is when transmission rate is highest” confirms PM
Categories: Fake News
‘No, not that kind of racism’ say Tories
Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.
A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can’t just say you don’t like black people. That’s racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That’s populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’
‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.
‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’
Categories: Fake News
‘Who could have predicted trouble from this drunken, angry mob?’ says Met Police
“We were shocked by the scenes of mayhem in central London and outside Wembley on Sunday evening,” a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told reporters.
“How were we to know that large groups of football fans, who had been drinking solidly since early morning, might turn rowdy after England lost and take out their rage on opposition supporters? We are not clairvoyants.
“And how were we to know that mobs of chavs without match tickets might decide to swarm past security into Wembley stadium?
“I stress that the Met’s policy is to send large numbers of officers only to locations where we predict there will be disorder. And our officers told us that they didn’t expect any disorder in London on match day – on the grounds that they all wanted to sit and watch the game at home rather than to battle hundreds of drunken, angry thugs on a rainy Sunday evening.
“The Met finds it far easier in these dreadful cases to wait until all the trouble has died down and afterwards to issue pious lectures to the general public.
“However, all of us in the police have to accept that we, like Mr Southgate and his squad, have found our limits. From now on, we will give up any attempt to keep order at mass events or to stop central London from descending into anarchy. Instead, we will concentrate on the kind of thing we did so well during the lockdowns, such as arresting grieving women attending a vigil on Clapham Common.”
Categories: Fake News
Virgin Galactic Flight Delay Leads To Expensive KitKat Purchase
Viewing the departure board at his space rocket station Richard Branson’s heart sank as he saw it was delayed. A man stood next to him, said: ‘This is typical mate, better make yourself comfortable, and even when it does turn up don’t expect to get a seat, and the buffet will probably be shut for your leg of the journey too’.
Branson sat on the cold metal bench and stared listlessly at the board. He looked around for a reliable source of information about the cause of the delay but there were just some pigeons. His stomach rumbled. He overheard a man on the next bench phoning a friend to say he’d be late because Virgin can’t get from Reading to Coventry on time.
The friend replied that Virgin Trains stopped operating in 2019, but there were lots of passengers still standing at stations who hadn’t realised yet and thought it was just the standard delays.
Branson went to the vending machine and spent £1 on a chunky KitKat, leading him to reflect he could have had a pack of four from B&M for that price but since he made £306 million from his trains he wasn’t bothered by his costly chocolate purchase.
Photo: hpgruesen/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Worst performing motorway services to trial prostitution
In a bid to improve customer satisfaction ratings the lowest performing motorway services have been given the green light to turn on the red light.
A minister in the Department for Transport’s back office explained: ‘A recent survey highlighted disparities in the level of service provided by motorway services. We’ve created special ‘comfort’ zones at services that aren’t subject to regular trading laws. It’s similar to being served alcohol at 6am at the airport, only instead of a Harvey, it’ll be a Heston Wallbanger.’
It’s hoped that by providing executive relief to drivers, the knock-on effect of a relaxed state of mind will reduce instances of aggressive driving behaviour and provide a safer and more courteous motorway experience. Services have also been given permission to utilise matrix signs to entice customers, with these messages due to be displayed: ‘Fantasising whilst driving puts imaginary lives in danger. Pull in after next junction’, ‘Long journey and partner asleep? Keep your motor running until next exit’ and ‘Clockweights like cantaloupes? Servicing in 4 miles’.
Categories: Fake News
