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Man on bus really looking forward to coughing all over you again come July 19th
A man on the bus is reportedly ‘very excited’ to cough in your face on the commute to work again, starting from July 19th.
The man, who will insist on sitting right next to you despite the presence of two empty seats across the aisle, has no plans to wear a face covering and will splutter in your direction throughout the journey to your workplace.
He told journalists he cannot contain his emotions, or his phlegm, after Boris gave the go-ahead to dropping public health recommendations yesterday. The man’s freedom, along with his hacking cough and profusely runny nose, shall no longer be shackled by central government diktats, he confirmed.
“Finally, the chance I’ve been waiting for,” enthused the man, sneezing profusely. “I’ve been spreading germs all over my fellow passengers for years, and am so glad to get back to what I do best.”
Other disgusting people are also rubbing their hands, amongst other things, at the prospect of so-called ‘Freedom Day’.
A pervy man on the tube is planning to invade your personal space again as soon as social distancing measures are eased, he announced.
“I have my shiny trousers all ready to go and my phone prepped to record.”
“The ‘stay at home’ orders of the last year have been tough for me because there have been far fewer women to ogle on the train. So, as soon as July 19th ticks around, I’ll be there leering on the Central Line, hand suspiciously in pocket.”
At the time this went to press, you were begging your boss to let you keep working from home.
Categories: Fake News
Turd emoji quivers as Clippy returns
Microsoft has decided to replace the ubiquitous and functional paperclip emoji with a 3D representation of the hyperactive clippy, last seen patronising word processor users with the observation ‘you look like you’re typing something’, to which most writers typed ‘no f@cking sh!t, Sherlock’.
Other emojis are surprised, with one raising a single eyebrow, and another frowned; however the the emoji most concerned is the turd emoji. ‘If you think I’m shit – wait until Clippy returns,’ it said today.
Categories: Fake News
Arms Manufacturers Recommend Keeping Foreign Aid At 0.75% Of GDP
‘The smart thing to do would be to keep this aid at the promised level’ said the chairman of of one multi-squillion pounds arms manufacturing company ‘Even if that necessitated an 0.00002% decrease in British defence spending to make good the financial cost.’
‘Overseas aid provides a valuable boost to Britain’s corporate image and such virtue-signalling enables us to preach patronisingly to other countries’ he continued. ‘And such a shift in government spending wouldn’t hurt our bottom line in the slightest.’
‘The only difference would be that companies owned by myself and the other chums of government ministers would simply sell our weapon systems to the countries receiving this aid, instead of to the British Ministry of Defence.’
Image: 1681551/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Office weather banter due to reach peak banality this afternoon
Forecasters are warning that annoying weather-talk will reach a new high this afternoon at around 3pm. Office bores and bosses without imagination are due to mention the heat and refer to their iPhone temperature apps as often as every 10 minutes in some UK cities.
Met Office spokesperson Gillian McMillan said: “Office workers need to brace themselves for banter that includes phrases like ‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity’, ‘It’s hotter than Ibiza’ and ‘Maybe we should invest in air conditioning one day’. All of which will sap the already limp office atmosphere.”
To take shelter from poor quality chat, people are advised to wear headphones, steer clear of elevators where possible and to avoid calling the IT Helpdesk.
Gary Harris from the Unite union says workers should also be aware that bosses often use poor quality weather talk as an excuse to manipulate workers. “On days like today, many workers are bought things like free ice creams in order to distract them from the fact their boss is a dick. We’d like to remind workers that although you may now have a free ice cream, your boss is still a dick.
“You will be able to tell how much a dick your boss is by the number of times he says phrases like ‘there is no maximum temperature before we have to send you home’ and ‘the heat really IS on now, eh team?’.
Lloydie
Image: 12019/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man only booked holiday to cause scene at airport about having to wear mask
Serial complainer and seasoned scene causer Darren Bates, aged 43 from Preston, achieved what he claimed to be a personal best yesterday after being forcibly removed from Manchester Airport by security following a tedious two-hour stand-off with staff over his refusal to put a mask on.
As soon as Bates heard on the news that the airport will be continuing to ask people to wear masks even after the legal requirement to do so ends, he knew it was an opportunity to make a public nuisance of himself that he couldn’t afford to miss. Bates randomly booked a last-minute deal without even bothering to check the destination, and eagerly set off for the airport with a self-righteous grin spread across his fully exposed face.
Bates explained later that he tries to “choose his battles wisely” and usually only exercises his fundamental human right to be an awkward, petty gobshite with the most puny and inexperienced looking customer service personnel, and strategically picks fights with people whose jobs depend on them resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the head. On this occasion, his strategy backfired with the arrival of several large and formidable members of airport security who intervened after his refusal to don a face covering before boarding his flight was about to enter its third hour. The situation escalated into a very short-lived physical confrontation, which resulted in Bates being tasered by security staff and falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, soiling himself in the process.
The self-proclaimed ‘defender of civil liberties’ regained consciousness in a pool of his own urine outside the airport, just in time to see his plane taking off without him, almost three hours behind schedule, which Bates takes full credit for. Although he will be missing his holiday, he won’t be getting a refund and he may face criminal charges, Bates said he has “no regrets” about his actions. Bolstered by what he described as a “huge victory”, Bates revealed that, after nipping home to change his underpants, he is planning to go to London, a city he has never visited before, to protest about having to wear a mask on the tube.
Categories: Fake News
‘Racism not okay on social media but fine in my newspaper column’, PM explains
The crude use of emojis on social media is not an acceptable form of racism in our society, but lording Britain’s former colonial rule over African nations in his newspaper column is absolutely fine, Boris Johnson explained during the latest PMQs.
After being pressed to elaborate further, Johnson was reported by a spokesperson as saying, “Prejudiced plebs who can’t even speak Latin repeatedly bashing a button on their dimwit devices” was in no way comparable to him “merely highlighting the obvious fact that the English always have and always will be vastly superior to any other people on the planet.”
When it was pointed out that the Prime Minister’s comments were slightly contradictory to say the least, Johnson is said to have said that the truth “is jolly well there for all to see in black and white”, an assertion which none of his opponents could argue with.
Categories: Fake News
Police chief warns that there is a critical shortage of trouser inspectors
Chief of Trouser Inspection, Superintendent Clive Johnson-Johnson has warned that there is a severe shortage of inspectors in the Trouser Police. “The situation is critical and we are facing a trouser collapse. There are just not enough young trainees in the trouser service recruitment system and our aging workforce means that we are approaching a retirement cliff edge. Retirement trouser levels are going up and up, and nobody wants to see that.”
“There is a particular problem in the area of hotel snobbery dining, where attire regulation is, quite rightly, unjustifiably strict. Sometimes we have to provide up to two inspectors per venue during the peak summer season, when there is an increased threat of chancers turning up in long shorts, knee-length stockings and loafers. Those who engage in that kind of disgraceful law-breaking behaviour really should know by now that they are not going to get past our finest on the thin brown line.”
“We had already taken a belt and braces approach to what everyone could see coming. Our world-pioneering exchange agreement with Bermuda, where they have significantly lower trouser inspection requirement, has been completely exhausted. This coupled with some worrying trends we are seeing, particularly with a sharp growth in flyless fashions like onesies, could leave us with nowhere to go.”
“And I would just like to dispel any myths which might be discouraging young perverts from joining the service. We are under strict orders from the Home Office to enforce policies some have called controversial and discriminatory. No one should be under any illusions. Stop and reach around really does work.”
Image: Free-Photos/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Cyclists demand the right to weave erratically through traffic
Cyclists have expressed their disappointment at the Government’s plans for more cycle lanes to be installed in Britain’s towns and cities, as it will discourage them from being irresponsible mounted menaces. They argue that the plans will prevent them from zigzagging unpredictably between lanes of slow-moving traffic, zooming along between stationary vehicles and the kerb, and forming up into convoys to wind up motorists.
‘The government needs to recognise that donning multi-coloured Lycra and a cycling helmet with little flashing lights on it makes me invincible and entitles me to act as if I own the road,’ explained Robert Keith, a keen cyclist and member of no cycling organisations whatsoever. ‘Even though I pay no road tax, unlike all other road users’, he added.
Traditionally, cyclists have always had little regard for their own safety or the safety of others. They often argue that their healthy lifestyle choice allows them to ignore traffic lights, proceed the wrong way along one-way streets and cut across pavements full of pedestrians at high speed. Relegating cyclists to separate tracks away from everyone else will curtail such customary recklessness immeasurably it is claimed.
The government are determined to press ahead with the scheme, however. They argue that more cycle lanes will increase air quality and lower noise pollution in the nation’s urban areas, most noticeably through a reduction in other road users shouting abuse at thoughtless, careless cyclists.
Image: kennG/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
