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Categories: Fake News
Islington becomes first London Borough to be powered entirely by social media smugness
Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;} The London Borough of Islington has announced plans to generate its entire power requirements entirely through its inhabitants’ use of social media and the self satisfaction that the use of it, and more importantly telling other people about your use of it, produces.
Residents will be fitted with special beanie hats, developed in partnership with Apple, which absorb the wearers sense of self satisfaction at all the tweeting and Facebook posting they have been doing, saving the power in a small organic battery which is USB compatible.
However there have been voices of dissent from many local sceptics such as retired teacher Harry Volks who has been writing to the local council for weeks now claiming that social media ‘can’t actually power a fucking thing’. ‘It’s just insane’ complained Volks, ‘you may as well try and power a local hospital through the power of prayer.’
The council has however reminded citizens that any letters they received are not read, and that any concerns should be address via postings of disappointed looking cats on the councils MySpace board.
Categories: Fake News
Government creates essential new role of Witchfinder General
Downing Street has announced that a new senior government role has been created with the innovative and catchy title of Witchfinder General. Within minutes this was aggressively denied by the same senior ministers who had just announced it. There then followed the now expected period of clarification, suspiciously in the shape of a u-turn, reiterating that there had been no u-turns and that any footage of the same ministers saying precisely the opposite of what they were now saying was all in the minds of fools and incompetents.
A renowned and highly respected leaker with a penchant for snitching explained, “Our top government minds got together to assess the greatest threats to the UK in 2021. Eventually, a cleaner happened by and pointed out that the Cabinet room double doors were pullers and not pushers, so they were finally able to take their places around the table and begin their Mega-Brains-Trust meeting.”
“Once all of the gurgling and sheep noises died down, consensus was reached that a new, progressive, forward-looking, radical overhaul of political structure was required. Vigorous nodding and high-pitched squeals confirmed that the greatest threats to the UK were goblins, witches and naughty looking goats lurking under bridges. No one could see any ongoing need for Health, Education or the Environment, so those departments have been axed with immediate effect. In their place, a colossal uber-department will be formed called the Department for the Eradication of Really Scary Stuff. Jacob Rees-Mogg couldn’t stop screaming and Michael Gove wet his pants, so it was agreed that they were both ideal candidates for the new role of Witchfinder General.”
“Gove and Rees-Mogg will undergo a series of paddle-based tests. Whichever of them maims the highest number of baby ducklings will be awarded the most highly-prized position in British politics. The victor’s most pressing priority will be to categorise all non-Conservative-Party-donors in the land as ‘a bit witchy-looking’. Following that will come the somewhat hostile environment we are calling the mass drownings phase. Whoever survives that will be automatically reclassified as proven witches and deported to Yorkshire.”
Categories: Fake News
M&S to cut Christmas goods to Northern Ireland, but not their mawkish adverts
Under the terms of Brexit retailers have promised the worst of all worlds to Northern Ireland, no shopping but all the annoying paraphernalia, we associate with it. This means plenty of family rows, but this time over presents not given, as opposed to presents that are just unwanted.
A M&S spokeswoman explained: ‘Customers in Belfast will still need to wrap empty boxes. This means spending hours hunting for the sticky tape, constant paper cuts and the obligatory last-minute dash to a service station’.
They will also watch the sentimental M&S advert, which this year features a reindeer on a dialysis machine, Santa struggling with Parkinson’s and a slow acoustic rendition of Iron Maiden’s ‘The Number of the Beast’ – sung by Dido.
‘With all our shelves empty, we expect demand to exceed supply. So, we advise queue early, to avoid disappointment’.
Categories: Fake News
Major supermarkets now selling fruit ‘for display purposes only’
The grocery sections in UK supermarkets must now show clear signage saying that ‘all of the fruit for sale here is for home display purposes only’, and ‘under no circumstances should anyone ever attempt to eat it’.
A retail industry spokeswoman explained, “What we realised in 1988 was that the vast majority of the UK public had a strong desire to display bowls of lush-looking fruit at home, but no member of the family was actually allowed to eat it. 93.7% of all fruit purchased was to impress friends and neighbours, projecting the image of a household with a healthy-living lifestyle. Ironically, the fruit was ‘off limits’ to the household for as long as it still presented well in the bowl. The problem with the consumer behaviour cycle was that by the time it didn’t look good any more, no one wanted to eat it. So the lead household fruit purchaser would have bin the rotten fruit and go out and buy new fruit which would then again be strictly eyes only for as long as could be stretched.”
“This led supermarket purchasing departments to buy and stock ever-increasingly unripe fruit. ‘Aesthetically pleasing’ became the mantra in all outlets. Green bananas and rock hard nectarines became the retail industry standard. We have now reached the edibility horizon where no fruit is sold which ever reaches a ripeness window. So it is now a legal obligation for supermarkets to warn their customers that they should never actually attempt to eat any of the fruit they purchase.”
Categories: Fake News
Government admits losing PM’s bucket and spade
At the end of a week which many observers believed couldn’t get worse for Gordon Brown, it seems that even his plans for a seaside holiday in the genteel Suffolk resort of Southwold are now in jeopardy following the loss of the Prime Ministerial bucket and spade. ‘I’m sure I left it in the back of this cupboard, but I’ve had everything out three times now and looked everywhere. It’s sort of red with shells on, and a blue handle. You haven’t seen it have you?’ said the Prime Minister.
Regarded as one of the perks of office, the sandcastle-making apparatus is part of a beach leisure set used by many former Prime Ministers and their families and is rumoured to go back as far as Churchill. ‘It’s not a case of just buying a new one,’ said Mr Brown, ‘it’s a part of British history and I can’t go on this holiday without it, although it’s not all doom and gloom – I’ve just found the li-lo.’
It is the latest in a series of disastrous losses for the government including discs of benefit records, MoD laptops and voters, but the Prime Minister’s spokesman revealed that this was the thing at the moment causing Mr Brown most concern, and that his wife was asking him to get a move on. ‘To be going on a traditional British seaside holiday that he didn’t want to go on anyway, and to not be able to make sandcastles when you’re there, well, Gordon’s really having second thoughts about it all and making excuses so he can just stay here in Downing Street and ‘work on through…’
The search for the missing bucket and spade, and also Clement Attlee’s old brightly-coloured beach ‘boule’ set, will have to be put on hold for the rest of the day while Barack Obama is in town meeting important leaders as part of his ‘getting to know you’ world tour. But it will resume later tonight with the focus on a cupboard on the fourth floor of Number Ten, which Mr Brown is known to have a ‘lucky feeling’ about. ‘So it’s probably somewhere in the basement’ said an exasperated Alistair Darling.
Mr Darling, who is due to take control of the government while the Prime Minister is away, is carrying out his own search with the help of several cabinet colleagues who are equally insistent that the PM should, ‘in the name of God!,’ go on holiday. However, a Minister called Milliband, who wished to remain anonymous was far more ambivalent about the missing items saying; ‘Well, he’s got his head so far in the sand, to be honest he’d be better off with Neville Chamberlain’s digger.’
Categories: Fake News
Liverpool stripped of World Heritage status, forced to hand back The Beatles
Unbeknownst to the majority of Liverpudlians, The Beatles were only on loan to the city, on the understanding that they never let Ringo sing. The UN committee said they needed to return the entire Beatles’ back catalogue, but they could keep ‘The Frog Chorus’.
Rather embarrassingly, the city had to explain that they had lost two of the original band and offered a tribute version of Gerry and the Pacemakers in part exchange. In a handover ceremony, the two remaining Beatles will be put back into cryogenic suspension, until the Justin Bieber retires.
A UNESCO spokeswoman clarified: ‘Sadly, Liverpool has abandoned its colourful history – like the slave trade and tobacco warehouses. All the beautiful architectural landmarks – celebrating slave owners – are being removed. It’s a disgrace. They even tore down a priceless statue of a large pile of dead slaves, sponsored by Marlboro Lights’.
Liverpool will no longer have bragging rights to having the best band from the UK, that honour now passes to a skiffle band from Crawley. Said one despondent fan: ‘Without The Beatles how am I going to know that modern music sounds sh$t?’
Categories: Fake News
Air con more expensive than cocaine
The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name “AC” or “air” above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.
An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:
‘I was mixed up in the “air” scene, yeah, but it’s just too brutal now, so I’ve gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.’
A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:
‘It’s hot and he’s confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he’s frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn’t like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.’
Categories: Fake News
Media declares Free News Story Day
The country’s media outlets have welcomed the end of lockdown restrictions and declared ‘Free News Story Day’ – a day in which journalists of all descriptions can generate unlimited news stories entirely from vox pops of the general public.
Since initial lockdown, reporting has been limited to awkwardly catching passers-by in otherwise deserted high streets, with people’s opinions kept at least one paragraph apart. However, from today, hacks will have access to hundreds of maskless denizens crammed onto beaches and in parks, each with their own ‘story’ to tell. People talking about what they have been doing with their day so far and what they plan to do that afternoon will become newsworthy, along with entirely unqualified views on virology and the Government’s response. Meanwhile, the Government has officially declared that informative content in news stories is no longer mandatory, and left to the journalists’ discretion.
Reporters gathered in their droves in the newly-reopened pubs and clubs having finished early for the day after completing a couple of circuits of the local park, while photographers, who have spent the morning shooting sunbathers, volleyball players and other beach dwellers, have called it ‘the easiest morning of work since the A-Level results’. However, some have criticised the lifting of restrictions as hasty, claiming that far from easing into a new normal, our screens will quickly become densely packed with drunken smiling revelers, leading to an additional spike in Love Island episodes later in the year.
Categories: Fake News
Covid confusion after GB’s Olympic table tennis team gets pinged then ponged.
Categories: Fake News
Passport photos required to show ‘sex face’
Passport photos are to show the ‘sex face’ from September onwards, rather than the ‘pissed off face’ currently used as standard.
‘The sex face is impossible to forge with current technology’, explained a security expert. ‘The pissed-off face has been in use for over 20 years and hasn’t kept pace with technological advances. Even the sex face – the most unfakeable of human expressions – will be vulnerable within 5-7 years, after which passports will need to be replaced with increasing frequency as we cycle through the ‘caught on a porn website’ face, the ‘she’s nicer than my wife’ face and the ‘trapped my pubic hair in the zip’ face.
Categories: Fake News
Australia ok with killer sharks, spiders and snakes, but deports Katie Hopkins
Categories: Fake News
Prick launches prick with prick inside
Categories: Fake News
