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HS2 has ‘no end in sight’? Surely some sort of platform would work?
The never-ending railway development, is set to last longer than re-runs of ‘Friends’. Tracks continue to be laid for no other reason than they were there, a bit like Uni students at Fresher’s Week.
An oversight by planners have seen the project overrun, literally, with tracks now covering three fifths of the Earth’s surface. Confessed one contractor: ‘We were supposed to terminate at Euston Station but instead we kept going. Currently we are somewhere near the Suez Canal and not one buffet cart in sight.
‘At the other end, skipping Birmingham proved popular with our focus groups, but now we don’t know where to stop. Wales is too wet and the Irish sea is…well, too wet.’ Asked if she thought the project would be delayed further: ‘The upside of a track that never ends, is there aren’t enough leaves to cover it’.
Categories: Fake News
‘I own the van and my mum washes the kit,’ Rooney reminds team-mates
Wayne Rooney has provided a timely reminder to fellow Manchester United players of his value to the team, following his appearance on the subs bench last weekend and ongoing speculation that he is out of favour with new manager Jose Mourinho.
‘Out of interest, how are you guys getting to Stoke next weekend?’ Rooney asked a crowded dressing room after Saturday comfortable win over Leicester City. ‘Obviously, I usually take us in my Ford Transit. Nice and warm in there with the underseat heating, we can crank up the tunes on the stereo, but it does kinda depend on whether I’m actually playing.’
‘I guess little Marcus Rashford could take you all,’ continued Rooney. ‘Oh, except he hasn’t taken his driving test yet, has he? Zlatan could drive you in his Volvo, but it’ll mean a few trips. A real selection dilemma for the boss, isn’t it? Oh and Chris, give my love to your granny won’t you? … Never mind why, just do it.’
‘Might as well take your dirty kit home with you too today,’ added Rooney, pursing his lips. ‘My mum won’t be able to wash it anymore, if I’m not involved. I love those Summer Fresh conditioner tablets she’s been using recently, don’t you? Won’t matter so much for you Pogba, as you don’t make any tackles, but for everyone else – well, I’m sure you’ll sort something out.’
Rooney also announced that a number of other team activities could be under threat if he wasn’t playing. These include his popular annual trip to Chessington Wold of Adventure, regular sleepovers and playdates at his house and his legendary funded trips to the sweet shop near their Carrington training ground, nicknamed ‘Wagon Wheels with Wayne’ by fellow players.
Jose Mourinho responded by suggesting that Rooney needs to adapt to the inexorable passage of years and expand his portfolio of activities. ‘If he wants to continue to pull in a big salary he needs to take on more media work, perhaps?’ suggested the Special One. ‘A legend from Merseyside, interested in dough and making a decent crust, still good in short bursts for an hour a week during the Autumn season? I hear the Great British Bake Off may have some opportunities.’
Categories: Fake News
CO2 Shortage: Government urges people to breathe out more and breathe in less
The fizzy drinks industry can breathe more easily thanks to the latest plans to solve the carbon dioxide crisis, which has meant millions have gone without their fizzy pop thanks to a shortage of nose-tickling bubbles.
Dr A Pepper, an expert in fizzy-ology explained: ‘The current shortage is due to people breathing unfairly. If people would only breathe out at least double the amount they breathed in, then we could squirt more CO2 into bags containing limp salad and make your Cherry Cola (*sings C-O-L-A COLA) as burp-worthy as it was in the good old days. Trouble is breathing in feels good, but everyone knows breathing out causes marital strife due to garlic, onions and curry, so people do it less.’
C02 is also used in the meat industry to stun animals before slaughter. The animals are told that trees breathe out oxygen and breathe in CO2. Animals that understand this surprising apparent reversal of nature are so stunned they don’t notice the sudden appearance of a bloody great bolt gun and go to their maker wondering if they could take GCSE biology.
In an unconnected development famers in Denmark have invented the self-barbecuing cow. The methane connected at the entrance and exit of the bovine alimentary canal is stored in a basic BBQ set up under the cow itself. Once enough gas has been collected the apparatus ignites automatically and the cow is cooked in its own emissions.
Categories: Fake News
Clerical error leads to Labour Party suspending ‘disbelief’
Having suspended thousands of party members, many in error, the Labour Party has targeted the abstract concept of ‘Disbelief’. This means being banned from the annual conference, despite other attendees including Boredom, Hypocrisy and Dumbf$ckery.
Unconfirmed reports that even suspenders have been suspended; said one member: ‘We have had to remove a set of bright red bracers for their support of trousers and of Palestinian rights’.
Party leaders have worked out that their best route to electoral success, is getting rid of all the membership, polices and the whiff of democracy. Said one executive: ‘And if only we can work out a way to ban all the voters as well…’
Categories: Fake News
Afghan translators concerned about spam emails
With the release of 250 email addresses of former Afghan translators by the MoD, many are living in fear of being targeted by spammers, phisheres and other nefarious abusers of online abuse. ‘I’ve emailed the Taliban to see if they can’t do something about it,’ said one one former translator who wished to remain anonymous (number forty-one on the list). ‘It was bad enough when the MoD issued us with mobile phones and published the numbers – I don’t even know what PPI is, let alone think I’ve been mis-sold it,’ said another un-named translator (number two hundred and two on the list, just below Ahmed Khali, who also asked to for his identity to be kept secret).
The MoD has apologised for ‘a slightly inconvenient release of data’ but has stressed it has kept most of the information pertinent to the translators secret – such as if and when they will be repatriated and where they can redeem their Nectar points if they don’t get to leave Afghanistan.
Categories: Fake News
Taliban ban Matalan; Matalan bans Taliban
The Taliban and Matalan have increased the distance between each other in an act of mutual banning. ‘The Taliban-Matalan ban pre-dated the Matalan Taliban ban’ claimed Mohammed Smythe, the Taliban’s head of Retail Acquisition. Meanwhile a man from Matalan said Matalan’s Taliban ban had come first.
Irrespective of who banned whom when, the mutual banning has left high street watchers and middle east correspondents scratching their heads. ‘The fashion and homeware retailer offers attire and household goods at prices that are hard to resist, even by a hardline quasi-political group known for colourful fabrics and unorthodox views about womenswear,’ said one insider.
Meanwhile a Matalan spokesman has declared that staff have repeatedly had to ask members of the Taliban to leave Matalan or surrender assault rifles, whips and swords with G4 security guards while they browse mattress toppers, garden furniture and non-stick cookware at unrepeatable prices. The chain has decided to end the to and fro arguments with the shopping-mad militia. To and fro arguments that canny Matalaniacs refer to as a ‘Taliban-a-ding dong’.
In a separate development Australian movie maker George Miller has inked a deal for an all action yarn that combines mass discount retail with high octane thrills, to be called TK Mad Max.
Categories: Fake News
Back teeth fed up with being fed up to
Molars and premolars have lashed out with frustration at being labelled the metaphorical high watermark of frustration.
‘When we are in use crushing your difficult-to-chew food into convenient boli so you can swallow it, then you don’t give us a thought,’ said an amalgum filled tooth from a Bournemouth mouth. ‘But you’re all to ready to reach for us when you want to express impatience with climate change, inconsistencies in Midsomer Murders and that woman in the chiropodist’s waiting room.’
The molar went on to moan about front teeth. ‘These are identified with cutesy six year olds at Christmas, John Bishop or the fucking Goofey joke. All very fine but useless without us sturdy backroom boys who do all the heavy lifting and barely see any floss. To tell you the truth I’m fed up to the back….Oh bollocks I’m doing it now.’
We approached bollocks for a response to being the go-to gonads for expression of vehement disagreement but they declined to comment.
Categories: Fake News
Russian Government denies involvement in the Opal Fruits/Starburst name change
A spokesman for Vladimir Putin has categorically refuted the claim that it was Russian interference which resulted in Opal Fruits changing their name to Starburst in 1998. Despite evidence uncovered by UN investigators and the CIA, the bare-chested, horse-riding, journalist-culling, yet democratically-elected dictator denies any State involvement.
“Russia has always denied being involved in this tragedy” our reporter was told. “It is more western propaganda designed to make the Russian State look bad, and believe me, we don’t need any help on that front.”
Western researchers have discovered that two KGB agents were operating in Slough in the late ’90s, disguised as tourists. The men involved claim they were just tourists and proved this by showing photographs of them outside the Queensmere Observatory Shopping Centre, the Slough Ice Arena and admiring the tower of the historic St Ethelbert’s Church.
This is not the first time a foreign power has been accused of such underhand dealings. The Israeli government still denies any MOSSAD involvement in Marathon becoming Snickers in 1990.
Categories: Fake News
Big Dick Energy latest utility company in trouble
Big Dick Energy is one of several smaller energy companies struggling with high wholesale gas prices.
A spokesman with BDE read a statement, whilst swaggering: ‘At this rate we’re going to have to start diversifying into gaslighting. I would say I have a lengthy penis, when the only lengthy things about me are my list of failed relationships and my criminal record.’
Business Secretary Kwasi Kwartengergy was allegedly seen rolling a gas canister into his house, shouting ‘Don’t get high on your own supply bitches… mentioning no Goves.’
Other utility companies who may be in trouble include Hi NRG, The Gas Man Cometh, Knowing Methane Knowing Youthane, Rock the Gasbah, Lil Gas X and Gas You Like It.
Hat tip Lockjaw54
Categories: Fake News
Government refuses to help energy companies, but if any banks are in trouble….
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Categories: Fake News
Pfizer jab safe for kids from 5 to 11. Any later than that is anyone’s guess
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Categories: Fake News
Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension
People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.
Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: ‘Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It’s brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.’
Luke Lyle from Manchester added ‘Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month’s salary. On average it’s 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.’
Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged ‘I mean it’s on the Northern Line, that’s close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?’
Categories: Fake News
iPhone user has ‘out-of-phone experience’ in-between operating systems
iPhone dependent Michael Potter has spoken of a bizarre ‘human-like experience’ today, when a delay in his download of iOS 7 to his iPhone 5 left him perilously exposed to the real world, with no operating system, for nearly 24-hours.
‘Normally I just stare at a wall from two-inches away with a blank expression in-between operating systems, but this time something different happened’, explained the now half-man, half-phone. ‘I discovered a world free of digital assistance, where friends are a physical reality. Although it turns out I don’t have nearly as many as my Facebook app suggests. I also discovered my mum passed away a couple of years ago. If only I had my bereavement app’.
Professor Robert Winston, who has based his latest studies around the dependency modern humans have on technology, said: ‘Out-of-phone experiences are very rare and can be extremely distressing and confusing. To find yourself in a tangible, 3D environment with no widgets available for assistance can be daunting, but, as in Michael’s case, it can sometimes prove quite enlightening’.
‘I feel free. Isn’t this sunset just beautiful?’, added Michael, who went for a long, inspiring walk along the seafront with a dog he didn’t realise he owned. ‘I don’t need an app to tell me when I need a shit anymore, I can just go whenever and wherever I want; like right now, if I want to. I don’t want my friends and family to worry; I’m adapting really well. Now, can anybody tell me how I charge this dog up?’
Categories: Fake News
Threat of third world war less feared than threat of ancient Greek poetry
Brits are pretty OK with the threat of a third world war, nuclear exchange, and the inevitability of mutually assured destruction. The important thing is that they have taken back control of their borders and whatever the other two were.
However, according to a poll conducted by leading finger-on-the-pulse polling organisation Polly McPollface, Brits are more concerned that they might be subjected to ancient Greek poetry than blinding flashes of light, million degree heat, and searing radioactive sickness.
One respondent told us, ‘Nuclear armageddon? Naah, won’t even wear a mask for that one, mate. What scares the crap out of me is that Boris might start reciting verses from ancient Greek poems. I mean, I like him and everything, and I’d vote for him no matter what, but you know what he’s like. He’s been waiting for this all of his life.
‘He’ll whip out a fat cigar quicker than you can say ‘oven ready’, exaggerate his hunch and utter the words we’ve all been longing for. You know the ones, ‘It is my great regret to inform you that we are at war…’ How brilliant would that be? That’s all we’ve ever wanted to hear, and why I pretended to support Millwall and organised a few Barneys in the 80s.
‘Now if I thought it would be that and a few lines about fighting on the beaches then, like him, I would be in hog heaven. But you just know that he won’t be able to help himself trot out the odd verse of ancient Greek. And that stuff don’t even rhyme. We didn’t take back control of our borders only to have that old foreign muck thrown at us.’
Categories: Fake News
Surplus UK vaccine to be loaded into super soakers
Although the majority of the third world is being devastated by the Covid pandemic, the UK government has decided that the people of Britain would rather we kept the shitload we over ordered for ourselves. Even the dodgy one that doesn’t work as well.
Some spokestwat for the government explained, ‘As poor foreign people die unnecessary agonising deaths across the globe, Boris and his chums felt that the only right and decent course of action was to not let them have one drop of vaccine.
‘Our finger right on the pulse of absolutely the entire peoplethings of Britain told us that what you all want is for the UK to stick two fingers up to everyone else and rub it in their faces.
‘Given that unshakeable truth, all of the excess vaccine we have will be poured into super soakers and we’re going to have a Great British end of summer epic water pistol battle down the park.’
Categories: Fake News
Lawyers to serve Prince Andrew papers, by hiding them on teenage girl
Frustrated by his attempts to avoid their couriers, a US law firm has decided the best way to lure Prince Andrew is to use bait – specifically 25% off at Pizza Express. They have also considered dressing the papers up as a young blonde or writing them in braille on the buttocks of a lingerie model.
Ninth-in-line to the throne, Prince Andrew is first-in-line to get sued in New York. Explained one lawyer: ‘We considered turning the papers into an edible bra for a Playboy model – but we hear he prefers pizza’.
The Prince lists his titles as KG, GCVO, CD, ADC but the court just lists him as AWOL. They may have to try Habeas Corpus, which literally means ‘you shall have the body’ – which allegedly is what got the Prince into trouble in the first place.
Categories: Fake News
Man washes neighbour’s car after being jokily asked to
The play book of social norms was ripped up into pieces today after a man washing his car took up his neighbour on the jokey aside that ‘you can wash mine after you’ve finished yours’.
Peter McBride made the throwaway comment after coming out of his front door, seeing Mike next door waxing his Nissan Qashqai, and realising he had little else to say to him.
‘Next thing I know he was knocking at the door saying he had a spare half hour, asking for the keys to my Astra and did I want the interiors vacuuming too’, said a flustered McBride. ‘I don’t want him anywhere near my pride and joy. It was just weird.’
‘The ‘you can do mine after you’ve finished yours’ is a timeless bit of small talk, simultaneously designed to close off further conversation whilst acknowledging the effort being undertaken to keep their property in better nick than your own’ , said David Davidson, Professor of Social Niceties. ‘It works particularly well with creosoting fences, trimming hedges and of course cleaning windows, the latter inevitably preceded by the quip ‘you’ve missed a bit’.
McBride is said to be looking forward to the clocks going back next month so he can revert to his ‘the nights are drawing in, aren’t they’, one-liner for the next few months.
Categories: Fake News
