Feed aggregator
Europe prepares for war
With the Russia-Ukraine war on its doorstep, Europe promises to increase spending on rearmament despite some scepticism.
Categories: South Asia
Ceasefire agreement “harder” to reach as Israel strikes Syria
“I don't think that Israel and Syria are going to reach an agreement any time soon.”
Categories: South Asia
Russia monitoring Western weapons deliveries to Ukraine, Kremlin says
Moscow also confirms that no phone call is currently planned between Presidents Trump and Putin.
Categories: South Asia
What retaliatory action is the EU planning over Trump’s tariffs?
Europe's trade commissioner insists ‘we want to use every minute until 1 August to find a negotiated solution’.
Categories: South Asia
Iraq reopens Mosul airport 11 years after ISIL conflict, destruction
Airport, which has not been operational since the group seized Mosul in 2014, will have a main terminal and VIP lounge.
Categories: South Asia
Gaza’s vulnerable suffer war’s toll: Malnourished, maimed and displaced
Conditions worsen with widespread hunger, life-altering injuries and near-total displacement and destruction.
Categories: South Asia
Ceasefire collapses as fighting escalates in southern Syria
A ceasefire in Suwayda, Syria, has collapsed, as fighting between Druze groups and Syrian forces continues.
Categories: South Asia
Could Trump’s tariff threats force Putin into Ukraine peace deal?
Russia's approach is to 'keep calm and carry on' in the face of Trump's threats over Ukraine war, experts say.
Categories: South Asia
UK lifts restrictions on Pakistan airlines after five-year ban
The move comes just months after the EU lifted its own ban amid Pakistan's efforts to privatise national carrier PIA.
Categories: South Asia
Zohran Mamdani cannot be boxed in
Attempts to weaponise his identity are a classic example of the colonial divide-and-rule tactic.
Categories: South Asia
At least 21 people killed in stampede, suffocation at GHF site in Gaza
Gaza's Health Ministry says tear gas was fired on Wednesday at crowds of Palestinians at aid facility in Khan Younis.
Categories: South Asia
ICC prosecutor warned to drop Netanyahu case or be ‘destroyed’: Report
British-Israeli defence lawyer at International Criminal Court linked to a Netanyahu adviser delivered message to Khan.
Categories: South Asia
Trump’s funding for ICE will rank it among world’s richest forces
ICE is more well-funded than most of the world’s militaries, thanks to Trump's new budget.
Categories: South Asia
Why is Europe facing record-breaking heatwaves?
Western Europe has recorded its hottest June, and the continent is the fastest-warming in the world.
Categories: South Asia
Johnson & Hancock awarded Nobel prize for work on ‘not following the science’
The thorny question of whether or not the UK government was really following the science has been solved by this year’s Nobel Laureates.
Johnson and Hancock’s valuable research over the last 18 months hypothesised what would happen if senior members of a government told everyone they were following the science but, in fact, were ‘not following the science at all.’
A spokesperson for the Nobel medicine Committee said the UK team’s ‘doing the exact opposite’ research project allowed us to make sense for the first time the government thinking behind such policies as:
– The ‘delay in taking any action whatsoever’ strategy
– The ‘not stopping flights coming to the UK from Wuhan until the day before the Chinese locked down the city; strategy
– The ‘Boris Johnson still shaking hands despite warnings from the Spi-behavioural group’ strategy
– The ‘let’s go for herd immunity’ strategy
– The ‘don’t bother with facemasks’ strategy
– The ‘we’re not listening to the WHO’ strategy
– The ;send PPE to China even though we might need it’ strategy
– The ‘abandoning the idea of a circuit-break lockdown’ strategy
– The ‘let massive sporting events with massive crowds go ahead’ strategy
The spokesperson also praised the Johnson & Hancock team for investigating what caused some cabinet ministers such as Rishi Sunak to go completely rogue, although they didn’t have time to come to any firm conclusions. He set up his EAT OUT TO HELP OUT strategy without asking any scientists or any advice whatsoever.
‘This is understandable as it would have detracted from the already excellent hypothesis that the team had on their main subject’, said the spokseperson. ‘However, they’ve not ruled out further explorations into the ‘I’m a minister, I’ll do what I f*cking well want if it means getting the cash tills of business ringing,’ strategy.’
Categories: Fake News
Fears for life expectancy in Scotland triggered by Scottish Widows getting so much younger
Population forecasters are tinkling in their tighty whities. The clearest indication yet that life expectancy in Scotland is plummeting has sent shockwaves through the back of a fag packet totter community.
Experts in looking at women and assessing their relative ages examined Scottish Widows adverts over the past few decades and have declared that they are definitely getting younger. Professor Iain James explained, ‘We went back all of the way to the the 1980s and had a stab at guessing the ages of each Scottish Widow smirking knowingly in her black hooded cape.
‘What we found was shocking. Firstly, there was not one wrinkly old Scottish Widow with missing teeth in her 70s. There was one who might have been in her late forties, but her skin was as smooth as a plump haggis and her perfect white teeth glistened in the Glasgow rain.
‘But I’m afraid it gets much sexier. You can see that every few years each one is replaced with a younger model: Early forties; then late thirties; and by the 2010s she is early thirties, tops.
‘In the latest Scottish Widows advert she looks about 23. That can’t mean anything else other than the men they were married to are dying much, much younger than we had previously dared consider.
‘At these rates, we estimate the population of Scotland will be -17 in 2041.’
Categories: Fake News
Random story generator deployed at The Sun
It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse. Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:
A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.
Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].
[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”
We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.
Categories: Fake News
Alan Sugar under fire for bogus apprenticeship scheme
The employment practices of an Essex businessman were under the spotlight today, after investigators uncovered an elaborate scam being run from his Brentwood offices. Luring up to 18 recruits a year with the promise of £250,000, Alan Sugar, also known by the sinister sobriquet ‘Lord’, had been running a sham training programme for over 12 years. Newcomers worked unpaid for up to 3 months, forced to perform a series of demeaning tasks for Sugar’s personal gratification.
‘We first contacted Sugar after hearing that the search for his apprentice was continuing,’ reported David Peters, from the national fraud unit. ‘We suggested a 4-year Modern Apprenticeship to meet his needs. He seemed to have no idea about the new national qualifications framework and standards. He asked whether we were talking about a new public sector task planned for week 4, and whether our apprentice could ‘smell what sells’. He also assured us his training was accredited by the school of hard knocks and the University of Life, before hanging up.’
Suspicions aroused, Peters started to track Sugar using covert surveillance, 30 cameras, and a full symphony orchestra playing that well known bit from Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights.
Sugar proved elusive however, cleverly rotating his ‘apprentices’ around London townhouses, transporting them in separate chauffeur-driven black cars, and, in one notable episode, moving them to an antique shop in Northern France to avoid detection.
However, undercover police were able to gather slo-mo images of the workers striding purposefully across Millenium Bridge in business suits at 9 p.m. every Thursday on prime-time television. Together with surprisingly clear recordings of conversations about work tasks, shouted by the workers into a cell phone on speaker mode, a case against Sugar’s scam scheme was gradually built up.
‘This was no apprenticeship, just ritual humiliation, the effects of which will last a lifetime,’ noted Peters. ‘Spot checks at 5 a.m., required to parade for Sugar in tight-fitting Calvin Klein and Agent Provocateur underwear. That footage was, I have to say, tantalisingly brief. One particular worker was ordered to dress as a receptionist, and forced to repeat the phrase ‘Lord Sugar will see you now’, whilst the businessman pleasured himself behind a frosted glass screen. His henchmen, called simply ‘Claude’ and ‘Karen’, would stand guard, looking on impassively. Truly horrific.’
‘Self-centred, power hungry, a despicable individual,’ concluded Peters. ‘Enough about Katie Hopkins, though, this is about naming and shaming Sugar. Unfortunately, lowlife chancers like him inevitably turn up again, typically in professions where standards and ethics are much lower. Just look at Donald Trump.’
Categories: Fake News
