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Taliban forbid all forms of music apart from the Stones
“We love the Stones, rolling or otherwise”, said top Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar.
“Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are just like us. Prancing long hair and massive drug users. We played ‘Not Fade Away’ when we drove through the gates of Kabul, ‘Tumbling Lice’ when we get around to having our haircuts and of course ‘Street Fighting Man’ is our all time favourite.
“All other forms of music are now officially shit and strictly forbidden. You can keep all that rubbish like the Beatles and their terrible sixties songs about western military imperialism, such as Yellow Submarine and that Sergeant Pepper chap”.
“In fact my brother Ron always preferred David Bowie. He’d go around all day singing ‘Rubble Rubble’ while shooting at women until we stoned the little bastard to death for being a rock heretic”.
Categories: Fake News
PornHub to ban porn
In a move that has shocked the world of sweaty-palmed men the popular adult website PornHub has announced it will be banning all forms of pornography at the end of the month in the hopes it will encourage people to use the site more.
“It’s something we’ve been thinking of doing for a while” said CEO Max Hardon. “We think the idea of logging onto a computer, making sure your wife has left to visit her mother and then finding a video of that fetish she won’t let you do is so cliche. We want to embrace new forms of explicit media, like full-on gardening videos or erotic needlework. It is our belief that we will thrive in this new world, and it’ll only be a matter or time before all those other sites follow.”
This news was welcomed with dismay by users of the site. Regular visitor David Malcolm of Kidderminster Road in Truro (who requested not to be identified) said “This is ridiculous, how am I meant to get myself off now. My girlfriend left me two years ago and I can’t afford an escort. I’ll have to go back to buying FHM and… wait, that doesn’t exist anymore either?! F**K!”
WatcherMark
Categories: Fake News
‘Trump’ season finale set to be explosive
It has been hailed as the greatest drama in the Fox Network’s history: a flawed genius unravelling before our very eyes.
“The writing is exquisite” said 50s throwback Mark Kermode. “His decline from uber-demanding chief to senile, petulant weakling is something we’ve never seen before. Maybe ‘Downfall’ came close but this has been a multimedia experience. The tweets, the bitchy press conferences, it’s been immersive. Trump’s performances have been impeccable”.
The show was the brainchild of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, previously best known for the creation of ‘Blair’, a show which seems parochial by comparison. Also, Trump’s on-screen wife is hotter than Cherie and might actually make a good hate character for Season 2, assuming Murdoch commissions another season.
“There’s certainly enough material”, said Kermode. “All the people he’s thrown under the bus, any one of them might come after him now he’s weak. There’s the whole ‘did he pay Russian prostitutes to pee on him in bed?’ storyline. Stormy Daniels. The fake Covid cures. If America’s victims turn into zombies, what a spectacle that would be – 170,000 zombies – even CGI would struggle with that”.
Season 1 has seen a steady decline in Trump’s faculties and his growing paranoia about voter fraud. What does the season finale hold? With an uncertain election in November followed by two more months in the White House, maybe we should look to one of Trump’s catchphrases:
“You always knew I had these nukes”.
Categories: Fake News
Airline under fire for duct taping a passenger, switches to Pritt Stick policy
A major airline has suffered the harrowing indignation of an online backlash for duct taping an unruly passenger to restrain them. Mindful of the bad PR, unprofessional look, and sticky situation of the circumstances, they have rewritten their onboard policy for handling extreme in-flight situations.
The airline in question has opted for a lighter touch by advising staff to use a zero tolerance Pritt Stick protocol, with additional Blu Tack if needed. In very serious cases, an escalation to a thorough plastering of troublemakers with Post-it Notes might be required.
This flies in the face of what decent, law-of-the-skies-abiding passengers actually want. One regular flier with more Air Miles than sense said, “If I am on a flight and some nitwit tries to open an emergency exit, then blunt plastic cutlery ain’t going to cut it. I want the crew to pile right in on them immediately and use a Jason Statham level of force. They can lash them with ‘for demonstration purposes only’ seat belts, and stuff stale inflight buns in their mouths – whatever it takes get ’em under control and shut them up. If a ‘not to be inflated in the cabin’ life vest needs to be blown up with the top-up tube while it is inserted in their bunghole, then so be it.”
An unnamed budget Airline which rarely deposits passengers anywhere near where they actually want to go has confirmed that any customer requiring restraint will incur an £80 surcharge for the duct tape.
Categories: Fake News
Wedding guests bullied into giving cash not gifts with angry poem in invitation
Guests attending the wedding of lovebirds Anna and Jamie have been explicitly instructed to supply cash to the happy couple NOT physical gifts – with a charming but angry poem in the invitation.
Rebecca is an old friend of Anna’s and went to a cash point as soon as she got her invite through despite the actual wedding being several months away: ‘I already have the money in an envelope ready to go. I’m terrified I’ll forget it. I’m not sure what the penalty is for late payment and I don’t want want to find out. Normally I would find it a bit rude if a friend demanded money from me but because they put it in a cute semi-rhyming poem on high quality embossed card I can’t hold it against them. It reads as follows:
We can’t wait to spend our special day with you,
But please let us give you a little tip or two,
Having you there on our wedding day,
Is all we really need, but please let us say:
We don’t want your shite gifts
We want cold hard CASH you can shove all those b*llocks wedding gifts up your arse we don’t want them if you’re coming to eat and drink in 5* luxury at our expense the least you can do is give us £100 for the privilege you tight b*stards.
Carriages at midnight. RSVP to wewantcash@hotmail.com‘.
The happy couple are planning a honeymoon in Barbados with their winnings where they want to thank their benefactors by posting a series of smug pictures on Instagram followed with #blessed. When they return they are considering buying their first house so are already planning an extravagant anniversary party with a similar money extortion sub-plot.
Categories: Fake News
Schools needing a CO2 monitor to be provided with a canary
The means of monitoring ventilation and the spread of Covid is only one small, yellow bird away according to Government research. Should the bird turn blue and drop off their perch, it will explain why all the schoolchildren are blue and lying unconscious under their desks.
The classroom will be evacuated and designated as an appropriately sized office space or a ‘spacious London apartment’. The students will then be moved to a smaller classroom to recover, but one with no annoying bird in it – or windows.
This cost saving measure will cut the expense of actual monitors and has no connection whatsoever with the fact the Education Secretary’s best friend from Uni runs a Canary Farm. Meanwhile the new coal mine in Cumbria will be fitted with small primary age children, in cages. Should the children turn blue and drop off their perch…
Categories: Fake News
Inventor of electric trouser press to be buried in coffin two inches deep. More soon
Categories: Fake News
New TV satire show entirely for Snowflakes, That Was The Woke That Was. More later
Categories: Fake News
DDoS activists ‘think they are so funny’
The NewsBiscuit tech team, analysts and spin doctors have spent the whole of Sunday evening up until medication and cocoa time attempting to resolve what appears to be yet another Dedicated Denial of Service (DDoS) upon NewsBiscuit.
Not everyone thinks this is the work of disenchanted hackers looking for easy prey. ‘It’s a conspiracy,’ said a conspiracy theory expert. ‘Everyone knows all conspiracy theories are started by the government,’ citing ‘Brexit’ and ‘Johnson apparently being a Prime Minister’ as examples, which seemed evidence enough. ‘You guys are always going after Raaaaab the Foreign Secretaaaaary, and Priti, please, Patel, so why wouldn’t they try to shut you down?’
Others think it is simpler than that. ‘It’s the Top Ten algorithm – it’s become sentient, gone rogue,’ said one contributor who didn’t want his name being released. ‘let’s just say, I’m always at number eleven,’ he grumbled.
Another suspect is Apostrophe Rebellion, AR. ‘It’s obviously the AR’s work – er, ARs’ work. Let’s just put it down to AR,’ said an expert.
Some believe the outage was caused by Biscuiteers themselves, panic downloading their whole writing history before the current site switches to the new site. ‘It was fine until Titus started,’ said one insider. ‘Fifteen terabytes of tickers that have never been used.’
‘It was never like this when JoF was in charge,’ accused one disgruntled Biscuiteer. ‘He’d go in with all guns blazing. Now they’ll probably just write a half arsed front page and carry on as if nothing happened.’
However, most experts believe it was DDOS activists, pubescent hackers without a life targeting middle aged men without a life. ‘We’re not so different,’ mused one Biscuiteer, ‘if they think they are so funny, why don’t they try writing for NewsBiscuit instead?’
Categories: Fake News
‘Desperate for love’ London woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner
A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told a local newspaper that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.
Speaking to The East London Gazette, Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, said: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.
“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.
“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.
“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.
“We would seize stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.
“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.
“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.
“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”
Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told the newspaper: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and panting, but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”
Categories: Fake News
Man in empty restaurant toilet can’t decide which urinal to use
Friends are becoming increasingly concerned for a man who visited the restaurant toilet over 20 minutes ago, unaware that he remains unable to commit to any one of the seven available urinals. Colin Dobson is getting a right sweat on and an increasingly agitated bladder, as he attempts to narrow down his choices to enable him to perform the normal bodily function of urine excretion.
We have exclusive access into Colin’s inner thought process: ‘Right. Think about this logically. If someone enters mid-stream which is the least-weirdest urinal to be using?’
‘Okay. Not the ones right at each end, obviously. That just looks like I don’t want them to catch the slightest glimpse of my penis due to its smallness, or some hideous abnormality or they think I’m pretending to wee while I wait to meet a stranger for sex.’
‘Good. We’re making progress. Not the middle one, obviously. That’s just basically, ‘come and look at my enormous wanger while I wazz like an excessively hydrated race horse.’
‘That leaves two on either side. Hmmm. Any of those makes me look like I’m trying too hard to hide my small/hideous and/or enormous junk and/or that I’m just pretending because I’m waiting to meet a stranger for sex.’
‘Right. Cubicle it is. Wait, what are you thinking? People will think I’m having a number two is way worse.’
‘B*llocks!’
One friend commented: ‘Yep, he’s still in there. If I had to guess, when washing his hands, he accidentally splashed himself in a way that makes him look like he’s wee’d himself, and so he’s busy trying to manoeuvre his groin area into the air dryer.’
‘Am I right?’
Categories: Fake News
Were you mis-sold a PFI or WMD by Tony Blair? You may be due some compensation
People of Afghanistan, you may be able to claim a cash settlement of up to £7.23, if you or a loved one were accidental killed in attempt to boost Tony Blair’s ego. If you were told that your country had WMD or Osama Bin Laden hiding in your attic, you may have been the victim of an elaborate fraud.
Were you offered infrastructure projects at vastly inflated prices, that never materialized? Does that sound familiar? Sadly, it was too late for the citizens of the UK, who already handed over £300bn, with the vague promise that Alastair Campbell would tarmac their drive.
Leading a notorious group of conmen, Blair tricked voters into three election victories, but by 2001 he was aiming for something bigger – a lap dance with George Bush. Be warned, Blair is still at large today, often using the fake ID of ‘Peace Envoy’. People of Afghanistan, if you think you may have been duped by him – join the queue.
Categories: Fake News
Ear wax “endlessly fascinating” confirms Lancashire man
Jack Pickles of Blackpool has explained to his wife that the wax, and other items, pulled from his ears are things of incredible interest.
Mrs Pickles explained the revelation; “Whatever’s going on; eating meals, watching TV or just chatting, if Jack finds something on his finger that’s come out his his ear, he has to examine it. I’m sure he’s got a collection somewhere.”
Mr Pickles denied having a collection, although he admitted it was “a cracking idea.”
Mrs Pickles has recently filed for divorce after the giant screen at a sports event showed him comparing two lumps and discussing them with the man next door.
Categories: Fake News
Man distraught after discovering ‘wedding breakfast’ isn’t a posh fry-up
Paul Smith from Eastleigh is now entering the fifth day of a sulk, after discovering too late that a wedding breakfast isn’t the ‘fry up in a tux’ he had been both imagining and looking forward to since receiving his invitation eight months prior.
The 23 year-old shop assistant had never been invited to a wedding before, so was both surprised and delighted to discover that his friends would be celebrating their matrimony with a cooked breakfast followed by a champagne reception.
‘I genuinely thought they were recreating our ‘Spoons breakfast with a pint’ student days, but in a more upmarket fashion.’ says Paul. ‘You can imagine my surprise then, when someone put a plate of potato fondant and some piped pink prawn rubbish sprinkled with grass in front of me. I was so cross. I had even turned down paying the extra tenner at the Premier Inn for breakfast that morning so I could save myself for the wedding breakfast. What a crock of shite.’
Despite being ‘the worst day of [his] life’ the occasion took an unexpected positive turn for the 23 year-old.
‘On the plus side, during the speeches, one of the bridesmaids mistook my tears of bitterness and loathing for me being in touch with my emotional side and found it super attractive, so we went back to my hotel.’ said Paul. ‘Let’s just say, at least there was one of us who wasn’t disappointed by a lack of sausage.’
Categories: Fake News
DUP: ‘Away an catch yerselves on! We’re not irrelevant crackpots, so we’re not!’
A couple of years is a long time in politics, and none feel it more keenly than members of the DUP’s parliamentary party.
Ever since the group of reactionary oddballs, keen to return to their happy place – the 14th century – was shat on from a great height by Boris Johnson, when Tories no longer needed to endure the shame of having them prop up the Westminster government, the Northern Ireland group has had to come to the bitter acceptance, that once again, they are a total irrelevance in British politics.
However, DUP spokesman and Witchfinder General, Nelson Nelson, was today refusing to accept what everyone else sees as cold hard facts.
‘Away an catch yerselves on! Sure, we’re as relevant today as we’ve ever been. And as a matter of fact we intend to bring forward a private members’ bill to call for the reinstatement of the rack, thumbscrews and the breaking wheel for heretics, Catholics and those found guilty of homosexuality, witchcraft, or worst of all, being one of thon other crowd.
‘We certainly will continue to make our voices heard, so we will. No doubt about that. Oh aye, mark my words. Tiocfaidh ár lá… no… hang on a minute… erm… ah ballix to it!’
Categories: Fake News
