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‘There are going to be deaths’ to become flagship government policy. More soon
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Categories: Fake News
Oops I did Gove again, admits Britney Spears
Pop sensation and skimpy outfit aficionado Britney Spears has tacitly confessed to a long-standing, steamy affair with blancmange-faced cabinet minister Michael Gove. Long-time Britney fan Amy Armstrong said: ‘The whole reason Britney wants to end her conservatorship is so she can begin her conservativeship with Michael. She knows he’s toxic, but she’s just a slave 4 him.’
Armstrong added that she was furious about Gove’s ex-wife Sarah Vine’s eye-wateringly hypocritical request for privacy. ‘I’m Team Meghan as well as Team Britney,’ she said. ‘I’ll give her sorrow, sorrow sorrow sorrow…. hey Vine, if U seek Amy, I’m right here and I will fight you. Do you want a piece of me?’
In response to developments, the UK Government is to sharply increase funding for mental health as this makes it two separate women found to be sexually attracted to Michael Gove. ‘It just isn’t plausible.’ said psychiatrist Jodie Johnstone. ‘I know it’s Britney’s prerogative, but Gove is 100% the kind of guy who yawns just to sneak his arm around you. You wouldn’t even friend-zone him, just hit him baby one more time, right in his stupid face.’
Luke Lawrence, a nightclub bouncer near where Gove lives, said: ‘In the before times, when MG arrived at the club, he’d step out of his Benz dripping in diamonds and snow – straight from the Colombian mountain tops, if you know what I mean. I remember his purple fur cloak and emerald encrusted cane. Once enthroned in his VIP booth, he would settle down with a Peach Schnapps and make it rain PPE contracts. Those Gove Groupies – girls and boys – just lost their minds.’
‘Since Britney came in to his life, he’s different. It’s as if he was born to make her happy.’
Categories: Fake News
Football fan caught trespassing on Durham estate claims: ‘It’s Cummings’ home’. More soon
Categories: Fake News
New tasty fluoride snacks mean no one has to brush their teeth any more
Sugar-free, yet delicious little bites containing fluoride are coming to market this year, meaning the need to brush teeth or gargle mouthwash will be eliminated. Concerns that the food will have a minty flavour have been dismissed as immature, as fluoride itself doesn’t taste of anything. In addition, fluoride can be ingested with no harm to the body.
‘There are many different flavours with a wide range of mouthfeels,’ said Professor Amy Cardling, the developer of the fluoride treats. ‘We’ve got chocolate bars, biscuits, crisps and cakes, and next year, we’ll be launching ranges of drinks, including alcohol. This will bring an end to tooth decay for anyone who consumes our products regularly.’
Rival Professor, Laura Daintree from the Institute of Not Buggering About, responded: ‘Wonderful as all that sounds, the real Holy Grail of long-term tooth protection is getting our salivary glands to produce fluoride. Clinical trials have been very successful, and we are only 18 months away from being able to offer the minor, inexpensive medical procedure. And next we’re working on spunk which doesn’t taste salty.’
Categories: Fake News
We’re full now, insist fridges
Fridges don’t have room for any more cans or bottles, they have confirmed. Having been stocked up this morning to allow the beverages a chance to get cold, and then looked at every half hour to see if 20 x 275ml of liquid, plus 15 x 440ml of liquid, plus 4 x 750ml of liquid will be adequate for four adults, one of whom only drinks hot drinks anyway, for a two-hour time period on Wednesday.
Enthusiastic fridge stocker Dave Smith has been assessing the temperature of the under stairs cupboard and considering nipping to the supermarket for more supplies. Meanwhile in the fridge, the cottage cheese is squashed right at the back and thinking of leaking or freezing in protest, the half jar of gherkins is complaining about being overlooked for months and the lemon curd is looking sourly at the smug green Kronenburg 1664 interlopers.
Categories: Fake News
We’re going on a bar hunt
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! This bus looks busy. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to get on it! Scuse me Missis! Scuse me Mister! Scuse me, Scuse Me!
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! A queue outside the pub And it’s only 9am. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to wait in it! Stand and chatter. Stand and chatter. Stand and chatter
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! Contact details for trace and trace. We can’t go over it, We can’t go under it. Oh no! We’ve got to comply with it! Name and phone! Name and phone! Name and phone!
.We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! You have to use an app.We can’t get round it. We can’t avoid it. Oh no! We’ve got to go try and use it! Three bitters and a lager top! Three bitters and a lager top! Three bitters and a lager top!
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! A plastic screen and social distancing. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh no! We can only look through it! Speak up I can’t hear you. Speak up I can’t hear you. Speak up I can’t hear you
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! A barman has appeared. Dressed tip to toe in PPE. We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. We’ve got to put up with it! Thanks mate, we’ll sort em out. Thanks mate we’ll sort em out. Thanks Mate we’ll sort em out
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! Someone wanted nibbles too.Crisps, pork scratchings and dry roasted nuts.
We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. We’ve got to forget about it. I’ll remember next round. I’ll remember next round. I’ll remember next round
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Uh-uh! The beers warm. Warm and flat after three months in the cellar. And how do you drink it through a face mask anyway? And how do you drink it through a face mask anyway? And how do you drink it through a face mask anyway?
We’re going on a bar hunt. We’re going to find an open one. What a beautiful day! We’re not scared.
Quick! Leave the drink on the table. Ignore social distancing. Delete the app. Tear up your contact details. Abuse the queue. Get a kebab on the way home
Get to our front door. Open the door. Up the stairs Uh-uh!
We forgot to shut the door. Back down stairs. Back upstairs. Into the bedroom Into the bed Under the covers. And before you go to sleep you promise yourself I’m never going on a bar hunt again.
theboyinthebubble
Categories: Fake News
BBC pundits forlorn after realising current England players better than them
If you had missed the quarter final and only turned on the TV in time to see the grim line-up of the BBC’s football pundits, you would have been forgiven for thinking that England had just been thrashed 8-0 by Germany, rather than achieving an emphatic victory over the Ukraine to reach the semi-finals of Euro 2020.
The sullen and sombre air in the studio as former England players Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer, Rio Ferdinand and Frank Lampard tried to absorb the result was almost palpable. It was clear that the terrible truth had gradually dawned on each one of them: England are now much better than any of us ever were. In fact, they’ve made us look like we were a bit shit.
Shearer’s face expressed the same level of enthusiasm as an Easter Island statue that has just seen a wrecking ball coming towards it upon hearing the news that Harry Kane has now equalled his England goal scoring record at major tournaments. Lineker was fighting back tears, knowing that it is only a matter of time before Kane topples him from the top spot. Ferdinand managed to grudgingly growl something about their defence not being too bad these days and Lampard seemed to have been rendered mute by Jadon Sancho’s impressive performance in midfield.
Gone are the glory days of Euro 2016 when England suffered the wonderful humiliation of getting knocked out by Iceland in the last 16, making Lineker and Co. look like footballing gods by comparison. The creeping realisation across the panel that the current England team could go all the way and even win the whole thing risks putting their egos permanently on the bench.
A source close to the BBC has hinted that Lineker is already considering stepping down to dedicate more time to eating crisps for money. Lampard, having done so well as Chelsea Manager, may accept a role coaching the under-4s at his daughter’s nursery school, while Ferdinand has implied that he might take a break from football punditry so he can finally focus on rearranging his sock drawer. Shearer, on the other hand, remains stony-faced about his future at the BBC.
Categories: Fake News
Extra-marital affairs to become ‘personal choice’ on 19th July, says Government. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Woman emigrates after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind her
A woman has been forced to leave the country after mistakenly waving at someone who was actually waving at the person behind her.
‘It all happened so fast’ explains a tearful Lucy ‘I was just making my way through the pub when I saw someone waving from the other side of the room. I thought it was my friend Jenny so I enthusiastically waved back. Then I realised I had made a terrible mistake. It wasn’t Jenny at all, it was just a woman with similar hair.’
‘Then everything happened in slow motion; I turned around to confirm what I already knew – the woman was actually waving at the person behind me. I tried to pass off my raised hand as a casual head scratch but it was pointless. The game was up and I had to face the truth – that I would have to live with the shame for the rest of my life.’
‘Later that night I booked myself on the next available flight out of the UK. I plan to travel to a remote convent, become a nun and never speak of that terrible day again.’
None of Lucy’s friends or family have heard from her since this time. They are desperate for her to get in touch, as it turns out the woman in the pub WAS waving at her after all. ‘Apparently they were at school together,’ explains Lucy’s friend Jenny ‘I would have thought Lucy would remember her, she has such distinctive, awful hair.’
Categories: Fake News
Legal problems mounting for George Galloway
Renowned pot stirrer and Iraq “expert” George Galloway has launched a legal challenge against himself for being a total tool. Legal experts, including Clementine Carruthers have dismissed the suit as frivolous.
‘He’s definitely a tool. Case closed.’ she shouted, venomously hammering a gavel.
Separately, Dumfries and Galloway Council will sue for bringing the name Galloway into disrepute. Tourism chiefs are considering a name-change out of sheer embarrassment, Local official Eleanor Erskine added:
‘All our eggs are now in the basket of Netherlands and PSV right back Denzel Dumfries. I hope he’s never pretended to be a cat to slurp pretend milk from Rula Lenska’s cupped hands. Excuse me, I need to vomit again.’
Galloway also lost his case against expulsion from the Fedora Association of Britain. A FAB spokesman said ‘The NDA means the amount of compensation we received has to stay under our hat.’
Categories: Fake News
Mrs Brown’s Boys repeats ‘could continue beyond 31 October’ if no Brexit deal agreed
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has admitted that, despite promises to put an end to Brexit gridlock, unfunny sitcom Mrs Brown’s Boys may yet continue to as a fixture of TV schedules in place of anything with vaguely satirical content.
The BBC has insisted it is forced to comply with broadcasting regulations, which ensure that during periods of political upheaval all shows must remain impartial and based on entirely predictable clownish behaviour and cross-dressing. If the Brexit process outruns further deadlines, Miranda and Still Open All Hours may be brought back into commission to reduce the risk of any topical thought within the viewers. However, some have declared the policy a ‘collective punishment’ forced upon Britain by Ireland and its EU allies to ‘send a message’ to any other members who might wish to attempt an exit from the European project.
Meanwhile, negotiators have revealed talks on the Irish Backstop, commonly identified as the main sticking point in Brexit talks, now largely centre on responsibility for Brendon O’Carroll’s matriarchal housewife, with groups on both sides of the border saying it ‘just isn’t funny’. Many have expressed fears that without a formal agreement, the character could continue to cross the border at will, randomly saying ‘feck’, calling attention to the fact that ‘her’ breasts are fake and unleashing unrest among the comedy wings of various paramilitary groups. The two communities have up until now maintained an uneasy truce as part of the Northern Irish Peace Process, with only the occasional lobbing of a ‘Murphy’ joke.
Negotiations are set to resume in Brussels to try and forge a new deal after the EU rejected earlier plans to export the character to France on holiday for a second movie sequel, in exchange for accepting several French farces and hundreds of former Soviet circus clowns currently camped across the channel. Other EU members have cited the need for a ‘consistent set of rules for all comedy and tomfoolery’.
A government spokesperson told us: ‘We must work together for an agreement to restrict the free movement of Irish-set sitcoms so that catchphrases can not be allowed to traverse the border unchecked. Our proposals would ensure that. Drink. Feck. Arse. Girls.’
Categories: Fake News
Tolerance ‘getting out of hand’ say angry men
Britain’s angry men are in distress, say psychologists. ‘Kindness towards strangers, tolerance of difference, a generally calmer society – this all sounds positive,’ said Professor Watson of the University of West Huddersfield. “But angry men need an outlet. If they can’t abuse a neighbour for the colour of his skin or shout sexual threats at passing women, where’s all that energy supposed to go?’
Angry men aren’t really joiners so there are no ‘official’ societies for them, though any political movement connected with Nigel Farage seems to be a good place to look. We spoke to Bill (not his real name), an angry man in Stafford.
‘I just want to know – when do we get a parade? The world has changed beyond all recognition. Even my local chippy now has a . . . bloke, do I call him that? . . . anyway, some days he’s in a dress, some days trousers. The chips are as good as ever and I always chat to him, her – fuck me, this is complicated.’
‘In the good old days I’d throw some good-natured banter about and if anybody didn’t like it we could get into a ruck. Nowadays, beat somebody to a pulp because they’ve got foreign skin or whatever and it’s a hate crime. Was it a friendship crime before? Cause we don’t mean nothing by it, it’s how we bond.’
Government policies have contributed to the problem. PE teaching vacancies are down and the police only take graduates. Nightclub door staff have to be registered. There’s always the French Foreign Legion, but it’s both French and Foreign, two words guaranteed to trigger an angry Brit.
Bill is pacing up and down Stafford High Street, twitching every time a schoolgirl with large breasts walks past. He punches himself in the face repeatedly, his tension almost palpable.
‘I don’t know what I’ll do next. Thank God for the Euros. Booing the Kraut anthem was great, and we all laughed at that silly girl crying because her team got thrashed. Get used to it love, there’s loads more where that came from. One world cup and two world wars, doo dah, doo dah.’
Categories: Fake News
Kensington Statue Wins Not Looking Like Diana Contest
A newly installed and finally unveiled statue at Kensington Palace has won the Not Looking Like Diana award against strong competition which included a house brick and a pile of sand.
The sculptor expressed his delight at recognition of his achievement. He explained that the head of the statue was achieved by doing an electronic morph-merge of the heads of all of the members of Duran Duran, that the torso was based on that of Aretha Franklin as seen in the movie Blues Brothers, and the legs were based on those of Angela Rippon.
Categories: Fake News
