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Snooker game ‘fixed to make it interesting’
Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting.
The head of The World Snooker Federation, Barry Lynton, said: ‘We have taken disciplinary action against Stephen ‘The Bore from Saddlemore’ Dee and Stephen ‘Less exciting than Sidcup’ Mee, after we found overwhelming evidence that they had been paid a considerable amount of money by a mysterious gang, known only as The Audience, to make their recent match interesting.
‘We were first made aware of this situation when we had complaints from viewers that they were unable to sleep through a match which was being broadcast at 10.30 pm. Having watched a recording of it, we found our attention rivetted by the clever play, the unusual tactics and the unexpected twists and turns in the match. We therefore have no choice but to ban these played from playing snooker for the rest of their lives.’
A spokesman for the players, Stephen ‘The Doze from Montrose’ Tee, said: ‘Wake me up when it’s all over.’
Categories: Fake News
Split in fabric of time causes ABBA to reappear
Scientists have been left bewildered by the sudden cosmic reappearance of skinny scarves and IKEA themed platform shoes. Through a wormhole in the fabric of an all-in-one flamenco suit, Abba have returned – proving that the fabric of the Spacetime continuum is really made from sequinned double denim.
Explained a bemused physicist: ‘It’s tied up with chaos theory, if a butterfly flaps in Tokyo, then Paul McCartney & Wings will reform. This sort of thing is happening all the time. Who can forget the season finale of Quantum Leap, when Sam Beckett jumped into the body of Donna Summer? Which begs the question, can we send Ed Sheeran back the other way?
A similar anomaly occurred when a joke from 1956 found its way through a wormhole into all three seasons of Mrs Brown’s Boys. Who knows if Abba will be able to adjust to life in the 21st century, with all our exotic new music like the soundtrack to Mamma Mia or Mamma Mia 2?
Meanwhile a spokesman for the 70s supergroup commented: ‘This is certainly not a cynical cash grab. It’s real properly serious artistic project. The band is really excited and looking forward to the release of the first single from the album. Thank you for the money money money will be available to download from iTunes at midnight.’
Hat-tip stewartbarclay
Categories: Fake News
£2 billion drop in exports and other head scratchers – Daily Express
The UK has been struck by several completely inexplicable events in the last 8 months, the latest of which is a two billion pound drop in exports.
“This is a real mystery”, said foreign secretary Dominic Raab, “And it’s not the only really odd thing; did you know that my mobile phone bill shot up when I was on a lovely holiday in Crete recently? And when I got back, a lot of people were quite cross with me for no reason; perhaps it’s because of the unexplained empty shelves in the supermarkets.”
One former government minister claimed that he could explain everything, but as soon as he opened his mouth he turned into a pillar of salt.
photo: Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Joe Rogan to fight Covid MMA style
Mr. Rogan, has agreed to do battle with the coronavirus in a caged ICU, with nothing but bare knuckles and a fist full of paracetamol. Initially the podcaster was reluctant to fight, as he felt that MMA sounded a bit too much like the MMR jab.
The bout, of sickness, will be held over three rounds, with points for a KO or a DOA. Both fighters will be allowed to use any part of their bodies, although Covid is likely to focus on the lungs.
Explained a virologist: ‘Joe’s theory that fit and healthy people are statistically less likely to die from Covid is technically true but by the same measure, so is jumping out of a plane without a parachute’.
Rogan is said to be confident of beating the virus, although he had lost his previous 10 fights to baldness.
photo: Claudio_Scott @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United
In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.
Many in Westminster think Miliband should be more focused on national issues but Labour supporters have said solving the crisis at Old Trafford was a more pressing concern. One Shadow Cabinet member commented: ‘With Chelsea resurgent and Arsenal looking more balanced, Ed can’t afford to be complacent. Yes, we have a battling midfield presence like Ed Balls, but we’ve also got Ed Balls as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer. Frankly I’d rather leave him on the pitch, he’ll cause less damage there.’
Unveiling his vision of the future, Miliband’s spokesman made it very clear that it was ‘jam tomorrow, if by tomorrow you mean 3,650 days later’. However, many commentators are curious as to why Miliband needs such an inordinate amount of time to do his job properly.
A spokesman explained: ‘Ed’s not the fastest learner. He sees himself more as the Special Needs Prime Minister – deserving all the opportunities as any normal Prime Minister, but just with 25% extra time in exams.’ By contrast the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has claimed that should he become PM he will require only half the usual time to screw things up.
Louis Van Gaal has already given a cautious welcome to the offer of six national goals, but said it would make no difference if Miliband continued to ship more own goals. In other promises, meanwhile, Miliband has offered to sort out your plumbing, resolve the problems in the Middle East and combat the causes of ennui within a ten-year window.
However, fixing United will definitely be his primary electioneering issue. A spokesman said: ‘Ed knows what it can be like being Phil Neville, living in the shadow of a more talented brother. Equally he knows more than most how hard it is to follow a pugnacious Scot, who hangs on to power one season too long.’
Categories: Fake News
Raab says Afghan refugee talks in Ibiza are ‘not another holiday’
Dominic Raab has denied that his current trip to discuss the Afghan refugee crisis is in fact a disguised holiday.
The Foreign Secretary was spotted downing pints and acting raucously at the airport before his flight to Qatar. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops, a straw hat and sunglasses. It is said he only packed one suit for the entire trip.
Mr Raab told reporters that his kite surfing trip after meeting the Qatari government was “an importance piece of diplomacy”, but he couldn’t explain why it was.
The itinerary for the trip will see Mr Raab visit other major governments in the region which have “great beaches and/or hotels”, but it now emerges it also includes visits to the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amsterdam and other top holiday hot spots.
‘I need to understand the role the night clubs in Ibiza, the beaches in the Bahamas and the cannabis cafés in Amsterdam can play in all this,’ Mr Raab said. ‘The fact Michael Gove is joining me in Ibiza doesn’t make it a “lad’s weekend away” at all and it is not to make up for cutting my other holiday short. It is a tough job but somebody has to do it.
‘Now if you will excuse me as I am running late for my massage.’
Categories: Fake News
Kwasi Kwarteng woos overseas investment with “idlest workers in the world” pitch
Categories: Fake News
Britain Withdraws From Isle of Wight
Driven out by the Telly Ban, geriatric fundamentalists who ‘Don’t hold with them funny modern things like leccertricity and other sinister witchcraft’, British armed forces were defeated after suffering many years catastrophic losses as servicemen were, for the most part, hideously bored to death.
Just months after the last occupying forces were slowly ferried ashore to the mainland, the Telly Ban swept – well, slowly ambled and shuffled – into power, and before long were filling post office queues (both of them) across the length and breadth of the island.
‘We knew they wouldn’t last’ said one resident. ‘They only been here since – when was it Mrs Taylor lost her cat? – can only be a few hundred years ago. Bringing complicated things like clocks, mysterious magic things like wireless sets and dangerous machines like bicycles. And their fancy ways, like educating girls, and boys, and even teaching them to read and write. We’ll soon put a stop to all that nonsense.’
Hat-tip ArthurPyke
photo: obsidianphotography @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Afghans can stay says Home Office. Check the small print say Windrush generation
Afghans who worked for the British military will be able to move to the UK permanently, claimed a spokeswoman – while crossing her fingers. One PPI lawyer said the promise was not worth the paper it was written on, while another, who we spoke to, never got over his giggling fit.
Said one refugee: ‘I’m not saying I don’t trust Priti Patel but she did seem to be smirking when she said it. By the way, how legally binding is a contract written on the back of a beer coaster, in lipstick?’
The spokeswoman clarified: ‘The UK is known the world over for keeping its promises, you only have to look at how we’ve brought peace to the Middle East. We always honour our agreements, right up until there is no longer a profit in it’.
One Windrush deportee commented: ‘Don’t bother unpacking’.
Categories: Fake News
‘Trump ripped-off my hairstyle’ claims Flock of Seagulls frontman
Donald Trump’s hairdo has provoked a sensational and scathing attack from, Mike Score, frontman of 80s techno-pop band, A Flock of Seagulls. in a Vlog released last night he unleashed a foul-mouthed tirade against Mr Trump.
‘Trump is nothing but a plagiarist,’ declared the visibly rattled vocalist and multi-instrumentalist, ‘Compared to my original hairdo his is nothing more outrageous than a short back and sides or crew-cut. My hair back then was pure bloody mental and was the talk of the music industry and that creosote-coloured tosser has simply ripped me off’.’
‘I ought to be POTUS and leader off the free world, not that twenty-four carat knobber! How can the world trust anyone who rates Ted Nugent! For f*cks sake,’ fumed the Wishing (If I had a photograph of you) singer.
It is believed that top celebrity lawyer, Artie Klempsteine, has been lined up by Score and a lawsuit worth $24,000,000 is about to be brought against the already beleaguered Trump, citing theft of image and intellectual property. Dave Shabdowski, entertainment reporter for Channel XYZ says, ‘When this baby comes to court it’s gonna be the biggest global media event ever; even bigger than the OJ trial. Yessirs!’
Trump was unavailable for comment. However, sources close to the president admitted that A Flock of Seagulls had helped improve the President’s notoriously shaky knowledge of world geography, as he could often be heard muttering repeatedly ‘I-Ran. So Far Away’.
Chipchase, Hat-Tip to Rootin Tootin
Categories: Fake News
Man completing daft Facebook games shocked to be hacked
A man who responds to every single Facebook post that pops up asking him to reminisce about a well loved pet that is no longer with us or to tell the world which city he was born in has expressed incredulity after his bank account was coincidentally hacked into.
‘Facebook is great, isn’t it, for bringing back those memories and sharing them with everyone’, said Mike Jones, 54, today. ‘Love it when those posts pop up asking you to work out your pornstar name by combining your favourite holiday destination with the surname of your first teacher at primary school. Nerja McAndrew was mine. Brilliant. I added mine in the comments along with the years I was there in case any of my old mates were on there.’
‘I was on this one the other day telling me it would give me my Batman butler identity just by telling them my favourite football team and my mums’ maiden name. ‘Everton Richardson at your service’, I typed in the comments – got loads of likes. I don’t know how they think all these wacky ideas up – I imagine there is some group of people somewhere sitting there thinking ‘right, what can we do to entertain everyone on Facebook and give them a laugh’. They could do with employing an artist and proof reader though. The fonts are always really babyish and they’re riddled with spelling mistakes’.
‘I’ve had to take a few days off playing these games though as my my mind has been on other things. The bank got in touch saying there had been loads of unusual transactions recently and all my savings had been taken out’, said Jones. ‘They asked whether I had revealed any passwords or personal information online and I told them of course I hadn’t. I’m not bloody stupid. I guess these criminals must have exploited some kind of loophole in the bank’s online encryption. They should really make sure their customers are protected’.
‘I’m hoping to get back on Facebook later to cheer myself up’ admitted Jones. ‘But I’ve got to pick up a parcel first – something from Hermes, apparently. Just had a text through from them. Don’t know what it is but I’ve had to click through on a link and pay a small fee to get it. Hopefully it will be something good’.
photo: LoboStudioHamburg @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
