Feed aggregator
US chlorine-washed chicken least of our worries, admit Brits
A focus group has found that post Brexit, most British consumers would be perfectly happy to eat chlorine-washed chicken imported from the US. However, many have expressed concern that they will also be forced to eat a diet consisting of stringy American processed cheese, gassy beer, and ‘wussy American mustard which has less flavour than diluted bathwater’.
After the meeting, focus group member Arthur Scoggins commented, ‘Alright, so a pumpkin might be a fruit but only someone with fluff for brains would even think of putting it in a pie, and as for grits…’.
Particular scorn was directed toward Hershey bars which were described as ‘tasting, almost but not quite, totally unlike chocolate’.
Others were delighted that post Brexit German measles would become a thing of the past but were worried about missing out on other European staples such as Swiss cheese, French mustard, French fries, French kissing, French letters, and Dutch caps.
Categories: Fake News
Pepys Diary: Olympickes
Up early and by coach to the Tower at the invitaion of the British Beheading Committee to witness a gruelling day of Torture.
First, to the Racke. A number of persons of note were tested thereon, but Milord Javid came to the fore with a final length of seven feet. Well played, and he did not cower once, though the inquisitor tested him sorely.
Next to the Water Butte. A small crowd for this event. I might have said Andrew Neil came out on top. However, he did not resurface as his form fitted the barrel so well that none could pull him back out. T’was a sight to see his wig float to the surface.
On the way to the next room, saw Katie Hopkins chained to the wall wearing a Scold’s Bridle. She tried to kick out at any who passed but we rejoiced in finding that Harridan’s tongue finally quelled.
The next room contained a group of idle vagabonds in stocks. At first, one might find their Trial as naught but, as time passed we could see that Wretches were close to losing their minds. They had spent the whole day listening to one Clare Balding spouting piffle on subjects no-one had any ken of. She spoke of a Skateboard that appears to be a vehicle propelled by leg-power and ridden over obstacles. Madness!
From thence to the Mall for supper. On the way did see two youths thrown from the Tower into the Moat. Tom Daley and Matty Lee did fall as one. They rose from the waters to great acclamation from the persons assembled and were presented with ribbons for surviving their Ordeal.
Categories: Fake News
Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble upon grisly murder scene
A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while walking his new puppy at the weekend.
Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told The East London Gazette: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk and stumbling on a dead body in some dense undergrowth after he’d run in to investigate the scent of a decomposing body.
“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home with absolutely no murder scene to my name.
“I was really looking forward to stumbling across a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.
“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.
“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out in future”
Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.
Danny Soz
Categories: Fake News
Home Office to retain Covid measures “just in case”
Following the failed attempt by Government to contain the Covid virus, the Home Office led by Priti Patel has decided to extend all restrictions indefinitely
The British Army has already been successfully deployed, nominally to assist the Covid response under the guise of “Operation Rescript”. This allows fully armed soldiers to monitor transport and control the ports, and generally infiltrate the public consciousness as “a necessary evil”
Secondly, the airports have been largely shut down to prevent foreigners from arriving, and to imprison those who do, but mainly to stop British nationals from leaving as the dark forces clamp down
Next, the freedoms of news reporting are slowly being eroded. The BBC is inexplicably drifting towards supporting the Government, and Channel 4 is to be “privatised” (we know what that means)
Patel’s plan to use the military for absolute control is to be trialled in England, where it will be renamed as “The Devolutionary Guard”
Hat tip to Granger
Categories: Fake News
Chlamydia Island follow-up ‘not so popular’
Contestants on ITV’s flagship reality-show, have struggled to adjust to life without cameras but with an embarrassing itch in their nether regions. One particular hot-tub session has resulted in a virulent strain of bacteria, two unplanned pregnancies and a new form of aquatic sloth.
A biologist explained: ‘This cocktail of warm water, fake tan and, well, cocktails – made the perfect breeding ground for germs and Daily Mail headlines. Recreational water illnesses (RWIs) are particularly hard to avoid if everyone rubbing up against each other and weeing in the hot tub’.
The most common RWI is diarrhoea – an ill-smelling, shit-stained disaster, which is ironically, what the producers of the show were aiming for. They expect ‘Love Island’ to soon become ‘Baby Island’, followed by ‘Shotgun Marriage Island’, concluding with the inevitable ‘Bitterness and Regret Island’.
While the relationships are not expected to last beyond their first ‘Hello’ spread, many of the rashes acquired may last a lifetime. Said one ‘reality’ star: ‘After one DNA test, followed by three months of NCT classes with the reluctant father, is a little bit too much reality for me’.
hat tip Sinnick
Categories: Fake News
Cowell bombshell as X Factor ‘binned for good’ by ITV over sick scam claims
Purveyors of utterly mindless shite to the masses, broadcaster ITV, has announced it no longer wishes to contribute to Simon Cowell’s personal fortune, and has axed its one time flagship entertainment show, The X Factor.
A channel spokesman said: ‘It took us a while to twig what was going on but the penny finally dropped when we were having an Exec quiz night at the pub. One question was: Name five winners of the X Factor, but between us we just got one and we had the show’s commissioning editor on our team. It was only because someone happened to be playing Leona Lewis on the juke box in the public bar next door that we got her, actually.
‘When he pitched the show Simon said it was a new concept, and certainly not in the least bit like Opportunity Knocks or New Faces of bygone days. “It’s designed to make unknown wannabes into stars,” he told us. Well quite clearly that was a whopping lie, so we’re closing down the whole sick scam.’
The broadcaster was keeping its cards close to its chest today on what it might introduce to challenge the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing in the Autumn schedules. However, the spokesman refused to confirm or deny strong rumours circulating in media circles, a new game show, Ant & Dec’s Whose Arse is it Anyway? co-hosted by Holly Willoughby and Keith Lemon, is currently in production at a closed set in Elstree.
Categories: Fake News
NASA confirm Bezos & Branson are first men to reach the complete waste of space
NASA’s Senior Director of Space Stuff, Hank Schitzler, has confirmed that the billionaires recent day trip into space was nothing more than one trivial step for mankind.
‘The idiots only went 53 miles up for fucks sake, and just because they wanked around with floating piss bubbles for ten minutes doesn’t mean they are astronauts in any shape or form. Space doesn’t officially start until 62 miles from earth, and by our precise satellite computerisations, all they reached was the complete waste of space. It’s so pointless we don’t know what to do with it. I mean, you can’t plant a flag in it or even play golf, for that matter. Goddam cocksuckers’.
Director Shitzler produced various coloured charts, graphs and reams of data to show that comedians hosting launches, Cowboy hats, and ridiculously permed hair do not form part of official astronaut training.
Categories: Fake News
Angry viewers slam Sky Sports over its Open Golf coverage
Satellite broadcaster, Sky, has come under fire today from angry viewers incandescent with rage over its coverage of this year’s Open golf championship.
One subscriber called a radio phone-in show, on nutters’ favourite network, LBC, to complain. Richard Black, a xenophobic bigot from Canvey Island told Nick Ferrari: ‘I have become accustomed to Sky’s coverage and really like the way they do things. Their golf coverage is normally so much better than when that BBC loony lefty lot used to show it.’
‘But today has really annoyed me. There’s far too much golf being mixed into the normal wall-to-wall gambling, money-lending and insurance adverts. If I wanted to see that amount of golf then I’d have gone to Carnoustie and stood there gawping at it myself. I’m missing Ray Winstone’s over the top Cockney rasp. The wife loves them little Muskrats even though they ain’t British.’
And roulette enthusiast Arthur Meadowes agrees: ‘It’s been awful. I have been trying to see what odds I can get on two flies climbing up a wall and it’s just golf golf effing golf! Potentially I’ve gone and saved myself a fortune now. It’s a bloody disgrace. ‘
Meanwhile bookies, Paddy Power, is offering to pay Sky an undisclosed sum if they ‘tone down’ the golf content for the remainder of the tournament and go back to its usual sports to adverts ratio; normally 98%-2%
Categories: Fake News
Jacob Rees-Mogg asks for horseless carriages to be included in Highway Code. More soon
Categories: Fake News
UK’s most popular holiday destination 2021 revealed: the M5 southbound
It has been revealed that almost the entire population of the UK is holidaying on the M5 southbound this summer. Many families are enjoying a full two week break in queuing traffic, before briefly popping to Cornwall to enjoy some crowds and rain for twenty minutes. After this, most immediately begin their second holiday of the summer – on the M5 northbound.
Tony and Carol were originally planning to take their three children to a static caravan in Cornwall but quickly realised an M5 holiday was the best option: ‘It was a no-brainer’ explains Tony ‘firstly, the caravan was going to cost about £20k a week due to high demand. Secondly, looking at the journey time, we were going to average around 1 mile an hour on the way down. So it only made sense to turn the journey into our holiday. It’s been brilliant. We’ve had great fun pissing on the side of the road and the kids have learnt some new assertive hand gestures’.
Carol isn’t as positive about the experience: ‘I can’t believe I’m spending my summer holiday queuing on the M5. I told Tony we should holiday in a queue at Heathrow instead but he wouldn’t listen. The kids haven’t even had an ice-cream at the services yet, Tony said the queues are too long’.
Categories: Fake News
Marble Arch Mound to Get World Heritage Status, Westminster Council Claims
Stonehenge may be on the verge of getting demolished to make way for a bypass and another pile of rocks in Wales may be deemed to have greater historical significance than Liverpool’s Dockyards, but Westminster Council leaders have assured the public that it is only a matter of time before the municipal monstrosity that is the Marble Arch Mound will catch the attention of the World Heritage Committee.
There are widespread concerns, however, that UNESCO may not be quite so taken with this artificial eyesore, which resembles a half finished building that has been left abandoned for so long that moss has started to grow on it, because it looks more like something Fred Dibnah would have demolished in the 1980s rather than a ridiculously expensive urban art installation that people are actually supposed to pay money to walk up.
This has led to a barrage of complaints from the public, who object to having to fork out money for clambering up a dangerous pile of scaffolding that may collapse and kill them at any moment, a feat usually only attempted free of charge by very drunk people trying to show off to their mates.
Despite universal criticism by everyone who has had the misfortune to see it, council leaders still insist that the Marble Arch Mound will easily overtake Stonehenge as one of the most visited monuments in Britain and will soon be listed alongside the Great Pyramid of Giza as one of the wonders of the world.
When asked if this was a slightly deluded ambition given that people have been visiting Stonehenge for 5000 years and the Marble Arch Mound has already been forced to close after only two days due to it being the most offensively rubbish thing anyone has ever been duped into paying an extortionate entrance fee for, Westminster Council representatives Pointed out that unlike Stonehenge, ‘the mound is completed.’
Categories: Fake News
The Maytles to play goodbye concert on roof of Downing Street
Press Officers have announced that, prior to visiting the Queen on Wednesday to hand over the Great Seal of Office, Theresa May will take to the roof of Downing Street for one final performance of her greatest hits.
With Philip Hammond on Hammond organ, Alan ‘Slow Hand’ Duncan on lead Guitar, Charlie ‘The Lips’ Elphicke on the mouth organ and May on vocals (cough sweets at hand), the Fab Four (going under the band name of The Maytles or The Burning Injustices) will belt out a running order to remember their time in office. The song list goes as follows:
Get Back (To Where You Came From on Your Student Visa)
Hey Jew (Don’t be Afraid of Being Deselected)
Here Comes the Grenfell Tower Enquiry
While my Civil Service Gently Weeps
Happiness is a Warm Safe Conservative seat in Kent
Roll Over Brexit Withdrawal Date
Eight Days a Week (Will be the new Holiday Entitlement if Corbyn Gets in)
Take Good Care of My Baby Until my Universal Credit Payments are Sorted out
When I’m Sixty Four (I Will Still be on a Zero-Hours Contract
You’ve Got to Hide Your Husband’s Connection to Off-Shore Funds Away
All You Need is Strong and Stable
Not a Third Time
We Can Work it Out (But Not to the Satisfaction of the ERG)
Can’t Buy Me a Majority
The Wrong and Whining Toad
With a Little Help from My Friends in the Brexit Party
Baby You’re a Rich Man (Assuming Your Father Was)
The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Cash
You Always Give Me Your Money
Norwegian Model (This Bird Has Flown)
I Want to Hold Your Assets
Sanctioning the Benefits of Mr Kite
Dear Fiscal Prudence
Draft Agreement Writer
She’s Leaving (And About Bloody Time Too)
The final concert will also be filmed for posterity by BBC Panorama. Downing Street have warned spectators below to be careful of neck pain when they are looking up at the concert from ground level or when looking up at the size of Boris Johnson’s ego when he enters Downing Street the day after.
Hat tips: Ugi, Oxbridge, Chipchase
Categories: Fake News
Highway Code updated for cyclists
Following many years of debate about how cyclists should behave, and how other road users should respond, the Department of Transport has decided to revise the nation’s best read guidance on road use
The new rule changes include the following:
- To avoid confusion about whether cyclists should ride on the road or pavement, they are now allowed to cycle on both. Additionally, they can also ride on bridleways, and through shopping malls, shops, car homes and schools. So, no more confusion
- The traffic light system has also been updated. A red light for traffic now officially means cyclists can travel through without looking. Similarly, a red traffic light for pedestrians also means cyclists can cross the road without looking. This has symmetrical elegance in law, but in practice changes nothing
- A new range of hand signals is to be made official too. If a single finger is displayed by a cyclist, this means “fuck off it’s my road”. If the same signal is shown by a motorist to a cyclist, it means “please drive in front of me like a twat”. If a motorist holds his first finger to his thumb while waving, this indicates that the cyclists tyre pressure needs adjusting
- Priority at roundabouts is also to change. Basically, cyclists have priority, and fuck everyone else. This is current Government policy anyway
The latest Highway Code revision was signed off by the PM Boris Johnson, a cyclist
Hat tip nickb
Categories: Fake News
Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad
A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.
Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event (‘he pulled out of that planche to handstand there’) to tae-kwon do (‘that’s surely got to be a gam-jeon’?.’
‘I think the family likes to know what’s going on – the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight’, said McBride, with one eye on the Men’s triathlon. ‘I see my role as a kind of public information service….oh, that’s a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there – that’s going to cost him’.
‘Lots of splash on entry there’, continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. ‘The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds’.
‘By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is ‘definitely top drawer’, said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete’s wife. ‘I don’t think we can take any more’.
‘The family look to be ‘in the red’ already in terms of stamina’, summarised McBride excitedly. ‘They’ll need to dig deep if they’ve any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they’ll unfortunately go into the repecharge’
Categories: Fake News
RNLI ignoring fishing quotas, says Farage
The ex-UKIPer, face like a kipper, has accused the Royal National Lifeboat Institution of rescuing too many refugees, instead of throwing them back in. A spokeswoman asked: ‘What else is Nigel going to eat with his chip supper, if no dead refugees are available?’
The French and British have long held a maritime agreement that for every cod caught, they have to drop a Syrian child into the sea. Mr. Farage said the actions of the RNLI made a mockery of this, claiming that soon, fish will outnumber drowned migrants.
Explained one migrant, who was really an international drugs warlord: ‘We cunningly take ourselves top the point of death and then sneakily get a lift back to the mainland’. Asked why, if he was an international drug lord, did he not just get a fake passport and pop over on the ferry, he replied: ‘Um…er…’.
The UK Government has agreed to send gunboats to sink the RNLI vessels. To further protect the dwindling stocks, Mr Farage suggested that the UK be flooded, thus removing the land to land on. Claimed the spokeswoman: ‘By being submerged under water, Brexit will be complete’.
Categories: Fake News
Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter
Manufacturers have dismissed claims that confectionery favourites have shrunk, explaining that anything would look small in our ‘big fat, sausage fingers’. The Office for National Statistics concluded that 2,500 products that were previously thought to be subject to shrinkflation, were simply ‘further away’ than first thought.
Said one food scientist: ‘It’s all about perspective. This packet of Maltesers looks relatively small next to the UK’s diabetic crisis. Now lets compare it to the clown’s pocket that is Boris Johnson’s mouth – see, it now looks as teensy as the UK’s economic growth.’
Some insist that Toblerone’s mountains have shrunk by 12%, but others attribute that to strip-mining and rising sea levels. Likewise, underpants which were thought to be shrinking, have in fact remained constant in girth; while the average UK waist has expanded faster than a case of botulism at Glastonbury
True enough, squeezing six fun-size Mars Bars into your bloated face will make them look miniscule, while also providing years of Freudian analysis. The ONS suggests: ‘If you can measure the distance between your sofa and fridge in inches rather than feet, then your chocolate bars are not small enough.’
Categories: Fake News
