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Taxi Drivers Furious at Being Compared to the RNLI
Cabbies across the UK have reacted with fury to Nigel Farage’s suggestion that the RNLI is like a taxi service, delivering shipwrecked asylum seekers to safety on British shores.
“He’s bang out of order this time,” said Keith, licence number 4425631 from Gravesend. “If I was on a taxi rank five miles off the coast of Kent, I’d put my foot on their heads and push them under. I wrote that in the comments section of the Daily Mail, and so did five hundred of my mates.”
Clive, a black cab driver from Stockwell and area secretary for the EDL said: “Normally, I’m Nigel’s greatest fan and when he comes on GB News I sometimes cream my pants. But he’s got us all wrong. I wouldn’t get out of the driver’s seat to save one of them people – or even swerve to avoid them.
“Where did you want to get to, guv? I ain’t going south of the Channel at this time of night.”
Categories: Fake News
Olympic Committee set to invent ever more ludicrous cycling events
With record levels of spectators watching ridiculously-clad cyclists performing a variety of weird and wonderful so-called races, Olympic bosses are meeting regularly to discuss future ways of making track cycling even sillier.
From the ‘formation taking it in turns’ competition, which sees the race leader cycling up the banking and then joining in again at the back of the queue for no apparent reason, to the ‘dick about for a lap or two and then pedal like you’re trying to set your lycra codpiece on fire’ contests, the popularity of watching outrageously daft Olympic cycling events has never been higher.
Although part of the attraction for the viewers is the hilarious garb that gullible cyclists have been persuaded to wear by unscrupulous aerodynamicists, it is the absurdity of the events themselves that has caught the public’s attention.
The highlight of the velodrome’s exhibition of preposterousness is currently the mysterious Keirin, in which cyclists follow a prospective cab driver doing ‘The Knowledge’ on a strange moped for several laps and then decide to go off on their own when he refuses to go south of the river. A more incongruous event is difficult to envisage but the Olympic experts are undaunted.
‘Our vision is to have a track cycling event that transfixes the entire world with its silliness’, explained a spokesman for the Olympic Cycling Committee. ‘Mind you,’ he admitted, ‘We’ll never be able to compete with dressage.’
Categories: Fake News
Alf Garnett too late to stop Brexit
Frustratingly the BBC’s re-boot of ‘Till Death Us Do Part’ has missed its chance to spread a message of brotherly love to wavering Referendum voters. Alf’s sage commentary on multi-culturalism and the need for an integrated Europe, could so easily have tipped the balance in favour of the ‘bloody foreigners’.
Explained one critic: ‘Its nonsense to suggest that this is the sitcom equivalent of an UKIP poster. Clearly a it’s clever play within a play. At a time when the UK is seeing a spike in hate crimes, it makes perfect sense to return to ambiguous comic xenophobia’. Said one smug BBC executive: ‘The wonderful thing about Alf is he could be enjoyed by everyone – liberals could see him as an ‘ironic’ racist figure, while the rest of us could just take him on face value’.
Later this year the BBC plans to re-shooting several missing black and white episodes – although so far they have found only the white ones. Sadly David Cameron must now be kicking himself that he did not have Alf Garnett by his side to make the case for Europe. Although Theresa May has said it is not too late for a 70’s bigot to join her Cabinet, but she may have been referencing Liam Fox.
Categories: Fake News
Traffic lights on UK roads to have 50 shades of amber
The once elegant system of stop and go has been deconstructed by a very clever kerfuffle of men who know what is best for the people of Britain.
In happier, simpler times, a chap could be trained to do the highly skilled job of standing in a sunny country lane, armed with one of the most powerful tools ever created. The tool could literally halt traffic, including heavy goods vehicles and Austin Maestros with faulty brakes. But with a deft flip, that very same tool could grant freedom to those who had waited patiently for passage beyond roadworks.
Some say that it all went wrong when the red stop, green go system was upgraded by Ambrose Rudd, the great, great, no really great grandfather of former Home Secretary Amber Rudd. A man of well concealed wisdom, Ambrose Rudd invented a yellowy colour with no name which could be squished between stop and go. The genius of it was that it meant neither stop nor go, which was precisely what everyone hadn’t realised they didn’t need.
But that wasn’t enough. The doubt and hesitation caused by a sort of yellowy-orange light needed improvement. A devious spiv who hung out on shadowy street corners by the name of Flash ‘Arry made his fortune by adding a complex sequence to the light which followed the pattern: on, off, on, off… Where ‘Arry got his idea from has never been indicated.
A dubious acquaintance of Flash ‘Arry with the street name Mad Jez Avenue later suggested that sometimes the orange light could be on, sometimes off, and sometimes follow the nutty sequence proposed by ‘Arry. It was agreed that this was the ultimate thinking on the subject, and all traffic lights everywhere followed this convention for many years. Except ones in Bulgaria which did away with red and green altogether.
But following a global test during the past year, a trusted authority on all subjects called Grant Shapps has developed an innovative concept. Joyously, the concept enables the current system of traffic lights to be replaced with an even simpler fiasco. There will be no consultation, and all traffic lights will be replaced with immediate effect, the contract for the upgrades rightly awarded without oversight to a company called Not Grant Shapps Ltd.
Road users will be required to instantly distinguish and know the meaning of massive boards of 50 lights, each lamp a slightly different shade of amber. Sometimes some of them will be on, sometimes others, sometimes some will blink, sometimes some will come on, and then immediately go off again the moment drivers have proceeded. Most importantly, anyone finding themselves stranded in a mangled wreck of twisted steel in the middle of a road junction will be deported to Bulgaria.
Categories: Fake News
Man admits object is ‘heavy’ and not ‘just awkward’
Gary Grimthwaite had initially claimed the reason he was struggling to move a chest of drawers was that it was an awkward shape.
Grimthwaite commented ‘I watched Joe Wicks PE for the first few days and I always eat at least 4,000 calories per day, because that’s what Olympic athletes do. Plus I’ve read everything by Andy McNab, so I just assumed I’d be able to move these drawers. Do they have rocks in or something?’
Grimthwaite’s girlfriend Rachel Rutherford visibly rolled her eyes, adding
‘They have socks in. Plus pants, maybe a few towels? To be fair, they are quite heavy but when I tried to help, he said he didn’t need me. So instead I got some custard creams, curled up on an armchair and watched 45 minutes of solid gold entertainment.’
Categories: Fake News
Dulux to name a new paint colour in honour of Sky Brown.
It is better applied with four rollers, and is ideal for decks, boards and rails.
However, it is better when you only use it on half pipes.
If you have any problems applying it, switch stance. Also be careful not to get any on the nose, or backside, and remember to open the window when you use it, as you need plenty of air.
The use of some grip tape will help you to get nice straight lines.
Categories: Fake News
‘Being shaken by the lapels has damaged my health’ says Eastenders’ Ian Beale
Eastenders stalwart, Adam Woodyatt, who plays Ian Beale in the long-running soap, has revealed that he has been diagnosed with early-stage dementia due to having been regularly seized by the lapels and shaken violently by various co-stars throughout his 70 years playing the divisive character.
It is estimated that Woodyatt, 87, has been shaken by the lapels more than 3000 times by over 50 characters, including, Dirty Den, both Mitchell brothers, Nasty Nick, and even, on one memorable occasion, by Dot Cotton after he attempted to avoid paying for a service wash in the launderette.
Woodyatt told the Radio Times: ‘I noticed that I’d been forgetting my lines recently and was having trouble remembering where I’d parked the car. On the advice of friends, I visited my GP who broke the news that I have early-stage dementia due to being shaken all the time. I suppose it’s a bit like Shaken Baby Syndrome for older people. I haven’t started wandering off during the night in my dressing gown and slippers just yet, but it won’t be long before I do I don’t suppose’.
An Eastenders insider said last night: ‘I’m sorry to hear that Adam’s in shit state, but that’s the price you can expect to pay for playing an irritating fucknut like Beale.
Categories: Fake News
Terry Pratchett ‘never liked fantasy’ says journalist who never read his books
Despite his words, actions, testimony of friends and family, many now believe that the author of 41 Discworld novels, had nothing to do with the SciFi/Fantasy genre. Said one journalist: ‘I’ve researched him thoroughly and can confirm he never wrote The Lord of the Rings.
‘I’ll go further. I don’t believe there is any evidence that he knew how to write or that his name was Pratchett. And if I’m wrong why doesn’t he say so. And don’t use the excuse that he’s been dead since 2015. That means nothing’.
An alarming number of journalists and commentators have been co-opting dead people to support their spurious arguments. Said one: ‘Oscar Wilde was anti-LGBTQ+. How do I know? Ouija board’.
Meanwhile Pratchett most famous work ‘The Colour of Magic’ was dismissed as containing no reference to fantasy whatsoever. Remarked one smug journalist: ‘It’s not as if it has magic in the title.’
Categories: Fake News
Olympic weightlifting: Laurel Hubbard fails to control her snatch
youngwithane
Categories: Fake News
Sacked high jumper clears his desk
Categories: Fake News
‘Desperate’ World Health Boffins Seek Guidance From Facebook Headbanger
The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a Facebook page who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the ability to send and receive Bluetooth.
A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: “We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.
“With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from Facebook.
“Hopefully, he’ll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G lamppost-based transmitters, and urging people to attend mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe.”
This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Sajid Javid, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other’s bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody’s Aunty Beryl on Twitter.
Danny Soz
Categories: Fake News
Tories Launch Their Latest Sizzling Summer of Sleaze
To mark the start of August’s ‘silly season’, the Conservative Party has unveiled its annual Super Summer Sleaze Spectacular to entertain the news-starved public.
“They’re a bit like Christmas pantomimes,” said party chairman and fundraising mogul Ben Elliot, “except they’re not that funny and they never have a happy ending.
“As usual, the anti-hero is Prince Charmless. Quintessentially, he is a sneering, money-minded toff who thinks that the common rules of behaviour shouldn’t apply to chaps like him. I’m playing that part after a superb run by Lord Michael Ashcroft.
“Then there’s the comedy villain Thurrilibad – a super-rich Middle Eastern businessman with a history of dubious financial deals and an iffy dress sense. This character is always under the hilarious delusion that meeting Prince Charles or having a question asked in parliament will somehow double his fortune. Mohamed Amersi is making his debut in this role after a magnificent series of performances by Mohamed al Fayed.”
In keeping with an age-old tradition, this year’s Summer Sleaze plot revolves around the Conservative Party raising millions of pounds for its coffers by connecting squillionaires with government ministers at its secret masked balls and no one getting prosecuted for it afterwards.
“Look out for the show’s sad sack, Boris Hardup of Chequers Hall,” continued Elliot. “He’s the one who comes on and says: ‘Where’s my cut? Hang it all, I’m the one who’s going to be getting the blame for all this! Why didn’t I get any squillions?’
“The Tory Summer of Sleaze is a sop we like to throw to the taxpaying plebs,” sneered Elliot. “It gives them the chance to boo and hiss the ruling party to their hearts’ delight and then forget all about it until the next scandal erupts, which will be some time before Christmas.”
Categories: Fake News
New series of ‘I’m a Celebrity’ will be set in Calais
Sources from ITV have confirmed rumours that the channel’s new series of ‘I’m a Celebrity get me out of here!’ is to be set on the outskirts of Calais. ‘This is a variation on a theme; usually we send our celebs to Australia but this new jungle that has sprung up in Calais provides our stars with plenty of challenges’ said a spokesman.
The contestants will be placed in an abandoned building about 3 miles from the town’s centre and will face the usual endurance tests only with a twist.
‘The celebs will face the usual deprivations but instead of sleeping bags, our usually pampered celebs will have to sleep on mouldy old mattresses and use old carrier bags to collect water.’ said the spokesman.
The viewers will vote which star they wish to vote out of the hell hole every couple of nights and they will get the opportunity to escape by attempting to get back into the UK by any means possible. Part-time glamour model Linzi Chambers has today revealed that she had been approached for the series but had refused claiming that clinging onto the underside of a lorry for dear life for six hours would ‘ruin her nails’.
‘It’s this aspect that may need a rethink’ said critics of the new show. ‘Perhaps they’ll take some desperate but hard-working migrant and deport the celeb who’s only famous only for sleeping with a Premiership footballer. Now that might be worth watching.’
S J Roe
Categories: Fake News
Post-event interviews with Olympians to include general knowledge round
Interviews with Olympic competitors conducted immediately after they’ve finished their race, swim, row or any other event will now include general knowledge, science and geography questions, the BBC announced today, in an attempt to make the excruciating encounters less predictable.
The news comes after concerns were raised that interviewees were increasingly able to anticipate the questions they were going to be asked by trackside reporters, and were able to rely on a stock bank of answers about how they were feeling, what the Olympics meant to them, or whether they could have done anything differently.
‘Some of the answers given by breathless and emotional GB athletes less then a minute after they’ve either just fulfilled their lifetime dream or had their expectations cruelly crushed in front of millions are remarkably similar’, said a BBC spokesperson. ‘Gave it everything I had, hasn’t sunk in yet, I just blew it, thanks for all the support back home. It’s as if they’re all copying each other. The format needs a total overhaul’.
‘Duncan Scott may have just become the most decorated GB Olympian at a single games, but can he tell us what’s the second highest mountain in the Andes, whilst still dripping wet, exhausted and unable to string a sentence together?’ said the spokesperson. ‘360 degree backflips on a BMX are all well and good but does Charlotte Worthington know what the longest running musical theatre show is in the West End? The nation needs to know.’
Richard Osman has been brought in as a consultant to turn things into a workable quiz format. Rumours that former Going for Gold host Henry Kelly will soon be taking over from Matthew Pinsent, Sharon Davies and others in shoving a microphone in front of peoples faces are said to be unfounded.
Categories: Fake News
‘Crime levels down for fourth consecutive month’ boasts Priti Patel
The daily number of crimes committed by people across the UK has fallen for the fourth month in a row revealed Home Secretary Priti Patel. Both petty crime and organised crime are now at their lowest level since records began.
Figures show that since emergency switchboard operators were told not to answer any incoming calls the number of reported crimes has fallen dramatically. Other initiatives have also helped in seeing crime levels fall.
Police officers have been told they must not leave the police station at any time and all squad cars must be immobilised as a precaution against attending a crime scene.
But PM Boris Johnson has urged people to remain cautious saying that despite the encouraging statistics the fight against crime is not over. The latest figures do not include the days since lockdown restrictions were lifted but the PM did not think this would make the slightest bit of difference.
‘We have asked all police officers to cover their ears and sing lalalalala very loudly. This should prevent any chance of them hearing such things as a burglar or car alarm or screams for help from a stab victim’ said the PM
By ignoring reports of criminal activity the UK is now the safest place in the world.
Not one crime has been recorded since mid July which shows our policy of putting our fingers in our ears is working.
And at no extra cost to the taxpayer.
Those who try to report crimes are “selfish” and would be barred from some future events like shopping, leaving the house or visiting loved ones.
Plans to introduce a crime passport to show that a person has not reported a crime for over seven consecutive days have been criticised by Labour who say it will lead to a two-tier justice system and would hit the poorest in society the hardest.
Boris Johnson – using a comedy umbrella as yet another another blindingly obvious distraction technique – simply raised his thumbs and smirked.
Categories: Fake News
‘We won’t let our kids have i-pads’ and other hilarious plans of parents-to-be
Deluded parents-to-be are making hilarious plans, blissfully unaware of the absolute sh*t-show awaiting them – here are our favourites:
1. “We won’t let our kids have i-pads, it’s so sad to see kids glued to screens all the time”
WRONG: Screens are fuc*king brilliant and if you want any chance of doing anything without your child being a total tw*t you need to get them one.
2. “Our child won’t have sweets, they’ll eat organic raisins instead”
NOPE: Like crack addicts, kids will sell their soul for a hit of the Haribo. Only a fool would stand in their way.
3. “We will discipline our kids through open dialogue setting expectations, boundaries and consequences”
NOT A CHANCE: The only discipline related dialogue you need is ‘If you do X you can have a biscuit’ and ‘If you don’t stop Y I’m telling Father Christmas”.
4. “Our little one won’t sleep in our bed, I need my eight hours!”
NEWSFLASH: Kids give zero shits about your needs, least of all any sleep-related ones. It will rapidly become apparent that getting kicked in the head in your own bed in marginally preferable to sleeping on your child’s bedroom floor like an abuse victim cowering at the hands of your captor. Which is sort of what you are.
5. “We will make time for date nights, our relationship won’t change when the baby arrives”
THINK AGAIN: The only way a hot date will compare to pre-kids is the presence of bodily fluids – only now it’ll be baby vomit and steaming nappies. If you’re lucky there’ll be time for a quick argument and ten minutes of falling asleep on the sofa before the baby wakes up.
6. “My children will learn to tidy up their own mess”
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Categories: Fake News
Williamson insists ‘rumpy pumpy’ must be in Latin
The Education Secretary has demanded that Latin be taught in all schools to describe all carnal acts and order from the wine menu. Coitus and cunnilingus will make a return to the curriculum, although for Eton they never left the entrance exam.
An Education spokesman explained: ‘It’s vitally important that school children learn the correct terminology for the sexual acts Ministers will one day be paying them to do. No matter how depraved, the Romans and Bullingdon club have a name for it’.
The three ‘R’s’ will be replaced with their Latin equivalents – Reach Arounds, Rimming and Rhinoceros f$cking. Mr. Williamson insisted that traditional Romans vocab would break down social barriers and spice up the bedroom. His spokesman said: ‘Veni, vidi, vici translated from the Latin means ‘premature ejaculation’.’
Categories: Fake News
