Feed aggregator
M&S to cut Christmas goods to Northern Ireland, but not their mawkish adverts
Under the terms of Brexit retailers have promised the worst of all worlds to Northern Ireland, no shopping but all the annoying paraphernalia, we associate with it. This means plenty of family rows, but this time over presents not given, as opposed to presents that are just unwanted.
A M&S spokeswoman explained: ‘Customers in Belfast will still need to wrap empty boxes. This means spending hours hunting for the sticky tape, constant paper cuts and the obligatory last-minute dash to a service station’.
They will also watch the sentimental M&S advert, which this year features a reindeer on a dialysis machine, Santa struggling with Parkinson’s and a slow acoustic rendition of Iron Maiden’s ‘The Number of the Beast’ – sung by Dido.
‘With all our shelves empty, we expect demand to exceed supply. So, we advise queue early, to avoid disappointment’.
Categories: Fake News
Major supermarkets now selling fruit ‘for display purposes only’
The grocery sections in UK supermarkets must now show clear signage saying that ‘all of the fruit for sale here is for home display purposes only’, and ‘under no circumstances should anyone ever attempt to eat it’.
A retail industry spokeswoman explained, “What we realised in 1988 was that the vast majority of the UK public had a strong desire to display bowls of lush-looking fruit at home, but no member of the family was actually allowed to eat it. 93.7% of all fruit purchased was to impress friends and neighbours, projecting the image of a household with a healthy-living lifestyle. Ironically, the fruit was ‘off limits’ to the household for as long as it still presented well in the bowl. The problem with the consumer behaviour cycle was that by the time it didn’t look good any more, no one wanted to eat it. So the lead household fruit purchaser would have bin the rotten fruit and go out and buy new fruit which would then again be strictly eyes only for as long as could be stretched.”
“This led supermarket purchasing departments to buy and stock ever-increasingly unripe fruit. ‘Aesthetically pleasing’ became the mantra in all outlets. Green bananas and rock hard nectarines became the retail industry standard. We have now reached the edibility horizon where no fruit is sold which ever reaches a ripeness window. So it is now a legal obligation for supermarkets to warn their customers that they should never actually attempt to eat any of the fruit they purchase.”
Categories: Fake News
Government admits losing PM’s bucket and spade
At the end of a week which many observers believed couldn’t get worse for Gordon Brown, it seems that even his plans for a seaside holiday in the genteel Suffolk resort of Southwold are now in jeopardy following the loss of the Prime Ministerial bucket and spade. ‘I’m sure I left it in the back of this cupboard, but I’ve had everything out three times now and looked everywhere. It’s sort of red with shells on, and a blue handle. You haven’t seen it have you?’ said the Prime Minister.
Regarded as one of the perks of office, the sandcastle-making apparatus is part of a beach leisure set used by many former Prime Ministers and their families and is rumoured to go back as far as Churchill. ‘It’s not a case of just buying a new one,’ said Mr Brown, ‘it’s a part of British history and I can’t go on this holiday without it, although it’s not all doom and gloom – I’ve just found the li-lo.’
It is the latest in a series of disastrous losses for the government including discs of benefit records, MoD laptops and voters, but the Prime Minister’s spokesman revealed that this was the thing at the moment causing Mr Brown most concern, and that his wife was asking him to get a move on. ‘To be going on a traditional British seaside holiday that he didn’t want to go on anyway, and to not be able to make sandcastles when you’re there, well, Gordon’s really having second thoughts about it all and making excuses so he can just stay here in Downing Street and ‘work on through…’
The search for the missing bucket and spade, and also Clement Attlee’s old brightly-coloured beach ‘boule’ set, will have to be put on hold for the rest of the day while Barack Obama is in town meeting important leaders as part of his ‘getting to know you’ world tour. But it will resume later tonight with the focus on a cupboard on the fourth floor of Number Ten, which Mr Brown is known to have a ‘lucky feeling’ about. ‘So it’s probably somewhere in the basement’ said an exasperated Alistair Darling.
Mr Darling, who is due to take control of the government while the Prime Minister is away, is carrying out his own search with the help of several cabinet colleagues who are equally insistent that the PM should, ‘in the name of God!,’ go on holiday. However, a Minister called Milliband, who wished to remain anonymous was far more ambivalent about the missing items saying; ‘Well, he’s got his head so far in the sand, to be honest he’d be better off with Neville Chamberlain’s digger.’
Categories: Fake News
Liverpool stripped of World Heritage status, forced to hand back The Beatles
Unbeknownst to the majority of Liverpudlians, The Beatles were only on loan to the city, on the understanding that they never let Ringo sing. The UN committee said they needed to return the entire Beatles’ back catalogue, but they could keep ‘The Frog Chorus’.
Rather embarrassingly, the city had to explain that they had lost two of the original band and offered a tribute version of Gerry and the Pacemakers in part exchange. In a handover ceremony, the two remaining Beatles will be put back into cryogenic suspension, until the Justin Bieber retires.
A UNESCO spokeswoman clarified: ‘Sadly, Liverpool has abandoned its colourful history – like the slave trade and tobacco warehouses. All the beautiful architectural landmarks – celebrating slave owners – are being removed. It’s a disgrace. They even tore down a priceless statue of a large pile of dead slaves, sponsored by Marlboro Lights’.
Liverpool will no longer have bragging rights to having the best band from the UK, that honour now passes to a skiffle band from Crawley. Said one despondent fan: ‘Without The Beatles how am I going to know that modern music sounds sh$t?’
Categories: Fake News
Air con more expensive than cocaine
The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name “AC” or “air” above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.
An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:
‘I was mixed up in the “air” scene, yeah, but it’s just too brutal now, so I’ve gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.’
A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:
‘It’s hot and he’s confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he’s frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn’t like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.’
Categories: Fake News
Media declares Free News Story Day
The country’s media outlets have welcomed the end of lockdown restrictions and declared ‘Free News Story Day’ – a day in which journalists of all descriptions can generate unlimited news stories entirely from vox pops of the general public.
Since initial lockdown, reporting has been limited to awkwardly catching passers-by in otherwise deserted high streets, with people’s opinions kept at least one paragraph apart. However, from today, hacks will have access to hundreds of maskless denizens crammed onto beaches and in parks, each with their own ‘story’ to tell. People talking about what they have been doing with their day so far and what they plan to do that afternoon will become newsworthy, along with entirely unqualified views on virology and the Government’s response. Meanwhile, the Government has officially declared that informative content in news stories is no longer mandatory, and left to the journalists’ discretion.
Reporters gathered in their droves in the newly-reopened pubs and clubs having finished early for the day after completing a couple of circuits of the local park, while photographers, who have spent the morning shooting sunbathers, volleyball players and other beach dwellers, have called it ‘the easiest morning of work since the A-Level results’. However, some have criticised the lifting of restrictions as hasty, claiming that far from easing into a new normal, our screens will quickly become densely packed with drunken smiling revelers, leading to an additional spike in Love Island episodes later in the year.
Categories: Fake News
Covid confusion after GB’s Olympic table tennis team gets pinged then ponged.
Categories: Fake News
Passport photos required to show ‘sex face’
Passport photos are to show the ‘sex face’ from September onwards, rather than the ‘pissed off face’ currently used as standard.
‘The sex face is impossible to forge with current technology’, explained a security expert. ‘The pissed-off face has been in use for over 20 years and hasn’t kept pace with technological advances. Even the sex face – the most unfakeable of human expressions – will be vulnerable within 5-7 years, after which passports will need to be replaced with increasing frequency as we cycle through the ‘caught on a porn website’ face, the ‘she’s nicer than my wife’ face and the ‘trapped my pubic hair in the zip’ face.
Categories: Fake News
Australia ok with killer sharks, spiders and snakes, but deports Katie Hopkins
Categories: Fake News
Prick launches prick with prick inside
Categories: Fake News
Let Freedom Ring by Covid-19
Today is the day.
Today, at last, this freedom-loving nation can cast off the shackles of lockdown, escape the clutches of oppressive government diktat, and taste the sweet nectar of fresh Covid particles.
Since the earliest days of the pandemic, down the brutal halls of Westminster, blackened by the fires of deceit and the searing coals of obfuscation…I have waited.
Since eighteenscore months ago, when Dominic Cummings first called for herd immunity, I have waited for the promise of this nation to be kept.
This promise was a vow that all viruses would be guaranteed the unimpeachable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of the clinically vulnerable.
Millions have hidden in their homes, or gagged themselves with cloth masks in shops, in a rare period of public spiritedness and fortitude.
To this I say: never again!
So today, let freedom ring.
Let freedom ring down on the London underground, where passengers breathe particulates over one another with the force of a thousand hurricanes.
Let freedom ring on Chequers, where poor Boris Johnson is humiliatingly trapped at home.
Let freedom ring on the schools and the poorest communities where all our unvaccinated lie.
Let freedom ring.
From the busiest aisles of Tesco to the crumbling care homes of Chichester. From the heaving clubs of Soho to the pubs of Penzance, hear my rallying cry:-
Free at last, free at last, thank Boris almighty, I am free at last!
I had a dream that one day my variants and my variants’ variants would be able to sit down together at the table of a Wetherspoons in Stoke and mix freely with the public.
And that dream came true today.
Categories: Fake News
Olympic sports you ludicrously think you could medal in
The Olympics. The pinnacle of sporting endeavour, where the frailties and limits of human abilities are exposed and redefined under the most intense of spotlights. Reaching that sort of level is simply beyond comprehension for us mere mortals. But Skateboarding? Seriously? You were boardsliding down the handrail outside your local Tesco when you were 15. It’s not that hard.
Here are 5 other Olympic sports that you also reckon you could win:
BMX Racing – when you were 11 you spent your summer holiday arseing around a disused scrap yard on your Raleigh Grifter, so you definitely have the pedigree. You’d have been even better if your mum hadn’t kept calling you in for your dinner. With success directly correlated to being a twat and taking out your opponents on the first corner, you’ll be quids in.
Shooting – A socially awkward man lies immobile for hours on end, blocking out all external stimuli, and occasionally pulling a trigger and hitting a target. It’s a perfect description of your last 5 years playing Call of Duty in your darkened spare room, if you add in a crate of Monster Energy drinks and regular masturbation breaks. The podium awaits.
Modern Pentathlon – Fencing, swimming, show-jumping, shooting, and cross-country skiing. An unfathomable collection of sports, seemingly thrown together by the Marketing Team at Center Parcs. Luckily for you, you developed significant prowess in all of them at Big Rich’s stag do at that stately home last year, alongside coke-snorting.
Surfing – Bottom turns, cutbacks, off the lips….the uninterested instructor mentioned all these moves in the over-priced surfing lesson you took on a recent family holiday at Newquay. You’ve watched Point Break hundreds of times, and after you win gold, you’ve already got your Donald Trump ‘5th president’ mask ready to slip on as a joke as the National Anthem plays.
Breakdancing – frustratingly, not included as a medal event until Paris 2024, meaning another 3 years before you can unleash those windmills and headspins that you perfected at the school disco 30 years ago. You are confident of a medal, as long as don’t get distracted again by school bully telling you that you have a very small penis and you’ve got no chance of getting off with Michelle in the gym tonight.
Categories: Fake News
Number 10 to privatise Number 4
Concerns are being raised over the government’s plan to privatise the number 4.
A spokesman for the Department of Digital Ineptitude, Culture Wars, Media Suppression and Sport Bandwagon-Jumping said:
‘It’s all to do with the changing numerical landscape. 2 plus 2 is 4, but 2 times 2 is also 4. That’s typical public sector wastefulness. We’ve pretty much privatised number 10 already. Three is the magic number. Yes it is, it’s the magic number, but it’s also a big mobile phone company already. We also can’t privatise 9, because 7 ate it.
‘How much do you think we could get for the number 4 made up of the spinning coloured rectangles?’
Oscar Oldroyd, who turns 4 next month and whose birthday party would be cancelled, said ‘Boris is a poo-poo head’. Oscar’s parents both nodded sadly in agreement.
Categories: Fake News
Woman ecstatic after finding an episode of Friends she hadn’t seen
Thirty three year old mum of three and self-proclaimed “World’s Number 1 Friends Fan”, Laura Bishop, of Newport, was beside herself yesterday after finding an episode of the surprisingly popular 1990s sitcom “Friends”, which she had never seen before.
“I was just channel hopping when, all of a sudden, I found myself on E4+1. The theme music came on and I sang along, as you do, and a funny feeling came over me. It all felt slightly different, yet totally familiar.” she told our reporter, adding, “I consider myself to be an expert on the show and it’s my specialist subject if I’m ever asked to go on the Mastermind.”
“I’ve always been a huge fan of the show and I thought I’d seen every episode but this was unbelievable, like discovering a new colour, opening the tomb of the Sphinx or crossing the Rubix cube.”
“I couldn’t believe it. It’s called: The one where Joey buys toothpaste. I was mesmerised. For the first few minutes I couldn’t move. Then the adverts came on and I started texting and messaging all my friends to let them know.”
“Jen told me I had seen it before, but she was thinking of “The one where Chandler buys floss” and Karen said she’s seen it but couldn’t tell me what colour earrings Rachel was wearing, so I don’t believe her.”
When asked if she had enjoyed the episode, Laura replied, “Even though I missed the last 10 minutes because a parcel came and I had to sign for it, then I forgot I was watching TV and made a cup of tea. When I got back to the living room it was over, but I absolutely loved it.”
Image: ivanovgood/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Producers of ‘Middle-age Love Island’ give up and go home
At a no-expense-spared, fully-accessible villa on the sun-kissed Isle of Wight, a TV production crew and twenty contestants on the show ‘Middle-Age Love Island’ are packing their bags and going home. Executive Producer Martin Jackson explains, ‘The contestants were a nightmare. It was too hot during the day so all they did was sleep, but then it was too hot at night and they were wide awake, moaning about being wide awake.’
‘We had to use the bleep button to cover all the involuntary body noises being emitted and conversations were so heavily edited for offence, all that was left to broadcast was a pack of adults tum-ti-tumming, whistling random tunes or making exertion grunts whenever they moved. There was nothing happening sexually, any fumblings under a duvet were usually to find glasses or elbow snorers, that’s not good TV.’
‘Re-couplings involved pairings matched with compatible medications. We did manage to get one new couple on a date and they never spoke. In fact, for two of the days no one spoke at all! When they did it was to boast about the achievements of their progeny, which ended up in tit-for-tat snobbery.’
‘The bickering was good TV at first, but after they divided the villa up between separate groups and began to build fences we said enough is enough. I’m putting this whole sorry episode behind me, I’m sure we’ll have more fun in Thailand with ‘Goth Nihilism Cave’.
Image: Free-Photos/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Starmer ‘listening’ tour, third on the bill after Showaddywaddy
Sir Keir has decided to tour the UK, in order to hear how people from lots of different regions ‘don’t like him very much’. Listening to the concerns of voters, will enable him to understand that regardless of demographic or political leanings, everyone thinks he is a bit of a numpty.
The tour itself is a little bit underwhelming, with Sir Keir only allowed a five-minute set ahead the main acts – a Timmy Mallett lookalike and a variety entertainer who swallows spoons. Starmer’s own 90s revival – The Blair Witch Tribute Band – only has one song, which no wants to hear.
Each performance culminates in a theatrical focus group, complete with pyrotechnics and questions such as – ‘if the Labour Party was a jelly, what flavour would it be?’. Unsurprisingly questions like ‘why am I so sh$t?’ do not illicit the sympathetic response that Sir Keir was hoping for but tend to lead to the focus group just shrugging and saying, ‘you tell me’.
The most embarrassing moment of the tour came when Keith (sic) held a focus group for members of his own family, who subsequently claimed never to have heard of him. His agent explained: ‘This tour is about Keith reconnecting with his fans, but that presupposes there was a connection in the first place’.
Categories: Fake News
Britons returning from Staycations to self isolate
The government has noted that the UK has the highest incidence of covid in Europe and with immediate effect the whole of the UK is being put on Amber Plus alert status,’ said a government spokesperson today.
‘We are particularly concerned with the amount of UK residents taking a staycation, as by definition they are taking a holiday in one of the most highly infected regions in the world,’ he added. ‘From midnight tonight all Britons returning from a staycation, even if it was in their back garden, will have to self-isolate for ten days and pay for a PCR test.’
The Treasury has admitted that the new policy will hit the economy hard but a spokesman for the Treasury added that ‘with everyone in the UK having to pay for the PCR tests sometime over the summer the initiative will probably be cost neutral for the government, and especially welcome for friends of the Cabinet who have been awarded PCR test supply contracts.’
Categories: Fake News
